#anaikin skywalker

[wonderlandleighleigh]

Anidala Week Day 2: Canon Divergence

(Canon Divergence is pretty much all I do. So here’s a thing loosely set in the universe I play around in anyway. :) )

To save the Republic(’s approval ratings), Anakin and Padme have to get married. 

Again.

“I’m not saying you have to.” 

Padme lifts an unimpressed eyebrow at her friend, crossing her arms. “But you’re saying we should.” 

“It wouldn’t hurt,” Bail shrugs. As head of the Chancellatory committee, he’s had a lot of work to do, and not much of it makes him popular with anyone. “You can’t argue that there’s been a lot of distrust between the people and the Jedi Order...and the Senate and the Jedi Order...and the Jedi Order and the Jedi Order. It would make them seem like they could be normal people.” 

“They’re not normal people,” Padme points out, taking a seat in Bail’s office. It feels strange to be able to move around again without feeling like there are two bowling balls in her stomach. Though she misses her babies terribly when she’s not with them at home, she’s glad for the freedom that not being pregnant gives her. “They’re Jedi. That’s always been the point.” 

“A point that isn’t working anymore,” Bail tells her. “Obi-Wan being on the committee is a good start for repairing relations between the Jedi and the Senate, but a public display would make a bigger impression on the people of the Republic.” 

“Bail, Anakin and I are already married,” Padme argues. “We’ve been married for years, and now we’re parents, and Anakin is still recovering from that fight with Palpetine. Between those things and my work, we don’t have the time.” 

“So hire a wedding planner,” Bail shrugs. “Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being married to the Queen of Alderaan, it’s that sometimes you do stupid, ridiculous things to make your people happy.” 

“And you think that the stupid, ridiculous thing that I should do is have a very large, very expensive, very public wedding to the man I’m already married to, to show the people of the Republic that we’re all playing nice together,” Padme surmises. 

“Exactly.” Bail sighs softly. “You’ve already had the intimate wedding you wanted to have.” 

Padme huffs to herself. It hadn’t quite been what she’d always dreamed of, but…

“And the Senate and Jedi approval ratings are quite literally circling the drain,” Bail goes on. “If we’re not careful, all of us will lose our upcoming elections, which means that all the work we’ve done here so far has the potential to be completely undone. And a vote to remove the Jedi from government oversight wouldn’t be far behind, which means they would lose government support and funding. We have to at least try to give the people some sort of hope. Some sort of positive display that will restore their faith in the idea that we can all work together to clean up this terrible mess. And yes, a wedding is hokey. It’s obvious, it’s clearly a ploy. But it will be a popular ploy. Anakin is the most successful Jedi General of the Clone Wars; he rooted out the Sith Lord in our midst, and you are one of the most popular Senators among us. The people adore you. This is a PR goldmine.” 

“It’s my life,” Padme reminds him. “One that, up until a month ago, was very private.” 

“Well, you’re our only choice,” Bail says, sympathetically. “I’d ask Obi-Wan, but Jinn is already a year old, and no one likes Satine. Hell, they don’t even like Obi-Wan anymore, now that he’s on the committee instead of leading an army.” 

“Not that he cares, which he shouldn’t,” Padme mutters. “He’s here to advise us. Not win popularity contests.” 

“We work in politics, remember? It’s all a popularity contest.” 

Padme sighs heavily. “So. I’m getting married. Again.” 

Bail smiles at her. “Congratulations.” 

***** 

Anakin is visibly confused when she gets home that night. “What was wrong with our wedding?” 

“Nothing,” Padme tells him quickly, taking his hands. “Our wedding was wonderful and beautiful. I got to wear my dream dress and you were so handsome, and sweet, and it was just for us. But…” 

Anakin waits for her, still frowning. “But?” 

“But...this...isn’t about us,” Padme goes on. “This is about restoring the faith of the people of the Republic. Of showing them that there is unity between the Senate and the Jedi.” 

“There isn’t,” Anakin points out. “In fact, all there has been is finger pointing over who missed what sign that things were terrible. Mace got angry. I’ve never seen Mace angry. I thought he was going to slice off the heads of the entire committee. Including Obi-Wan.” 

“Well, that was a bad day at work.” 

“Angel, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they’ve all been bad days at work.” 

“Which is why we need to do this.” 

Anakin sighs softly. “So you want us to get married again. In front of the entire galaxy.” 

“It’ll be fun,” Padme insists. “We’ll get dressed up, we’ll eat cake...and we only got one night of a honeymoon, maybe we could take longer this time.” 

“Between twin infants and your work schedule?” 

“Why are you making this difficult?” Padme asks, starting to lose her patience. 

Anakin pauses for a moment before speaking up. “Because our wedding, however small...however brief, was special to me. It was the most important day of my life, right along with the day the kids were born. I don’t need or want a do-over.”

Her heart melts as she sees the sincerity in his eyes. “Oh, Ani.” 

He takes a breath and grins sheepishly. “Alright. Okay. If us re-getting-married is going to be the thing that unites everyone and brings peace to the galaxy, who am I to argue?” A rush of relief washes over her as she throws her arms around him. “Thank you. I promise I will make this as painless as possible.” ***** It is not painless. It is weeks of planning. Robe and gown fittings. Of tastings and flower arrangements and guest lists. “Well, the Council has agreed to come.” Anakin blinks owlishly. Padme sighs, a touch exasperated. “Ani, the entire point of this is to show unity between the Jedi and the Senate. I spoke with the Council last week, and they’ve agreed that they, along with other key members of the order will be there.” Anakin shakes his head as he changes Luke’s diaper, playing with his son’s feet absently. “Whatever you say, Angel.” “I know your relationship with them is a little strained…” “Yes.” Padme deflates a little, knowing that it’s taken a long time for Anakin to heal from his fight with Sidious, and that the Council nearly threw him out of the order anyway, for his marriage and children. “I should have spoken to you about this first. I thought you knew.” “It’s fine,” Anakin tells her. He takes a deep breath and turns to her. “After all, this isn't for us. This is for the Galaxy, right?” She nods, pursing her lips, and staying quiet. “And as long as I get to have Rex and the 501st there, it’s fine,” he says. It’s Padme’s turn to blink owlishly. “...Oh.” Anakin narrows his eyes. “You did invite my men to our wedding, didn’t you?” “I...may have...forgotten?” Before he can get truly upset, she holds up her hands. “I will fix this, right away, I promise, Anakin.” As she rushes out the door, she hears him call back “Invite the 212th, too!” Padme closes her eyes and takes a deep, cleansing breath. Between her work schedule, and this wedding planning, and trying to fit in Anakin and their children, her life has been a mess. Her husband has been a complete saint through most of this, taking care of the children, and putting quite a few of his Jedi responsibilities on hold, it’s hard to be mad at him when he acts like a bantha brain. But she will be completely glad when this is all over. ***** The day arrives without much fanfare. Since the ceremony is at night, (Mace Windu had been adamant about “On the steps of the Temple. The Senate needs to show it’s willing to actually meet the Jedi halfway, since we’re always coming to you.”), they have time for a quiet morning together. Padme feeds the twins as Anakin makes them breakfast, and she sighs contentedly as she listens to the nuna bacon fry under Anakin’s soft humming. “I want this forever,” she says wistfully, as she cuddles Leia. Anakin turns to her, cracking a grin. “Good thing we’re already married.” ***** It goes by much quicker than Padme had thought it would. Jar Jar performs the ceremony, which is strange, but it feels fitting, since he was there when they first met as children, and before they know it, he’s saying “I’sa now pronouncin’ you, husband and wife! Kiss her, Ani!” And Anakin does, tugging her close and kissing her eagerly, as if he’s been waiting to do this in front of the Senate and the Council and the Galaxy for years. He probably has, Padme thinks as she wraps her around around his neck, smiling against his lips. ***** The reception is enormous, and loud, and busy, and Padme is being pulled in all different directions, to be congratulated and kissed on the cheek and hugged, and the longer the party goes on, the drunker everyone seems to get. She knows she should be having a good time, but mostly, she wishes that she could have gone with Dorme and the twins back to their apartment. She would love to get out of this tight gown and rock her babies to sleep and then get a little work down before curling up with Anakin in bed. Padme supposes that she can do that tomorrow night. It takes her a while to find Anakin. They keep getting separated in all of the chaotic revelry, but she eventually finds him at a corner table with Rex, Ahsoka, Obi-Wan, Satine and Cody, watching all the party while nursing a drink. He beams at her when he sees her and when she gets close enough, he takes her hand and gently pulls her down onto his lap. “There you are.” Padme wraps her arms around his neck and instantly relaxes, surrounded by the people she knows well, a port in a storm. “I was busy making the rounds. Which you should be doing.” “Eh. Everybody knows where I am,” he shrugs, grinning at her. “Besides, nobody cares about the groom at a wedding. It’s all about the bride.” “I’d say congratulations, but since you’ve been married for years, it feels a bit silly,” Satine teases. “You said it,” Ahsoka pipes up. “I should have been in on that particular secret, by the way.” “No one was in on it,” Obi-Wan grouses. ‘Not even I knew.” “Er,” Rex says awkwardly. “Rex knew?!” Ahsoka cries. “Rex knew and I didn’t?!” “He didn’t know we were married,” Anakin snaps. “Just that we were together. And...talking regularly over holo comm during the war. That’s all.” “That’s all,” Obi-Wan rolls his eyes. “How are you any better?” Anakin asks, bewildered. “Jinn is a year older than the twins. I had no idea you and Satine were still seeing each other. You hid your baby from me, Ahsoka, and the Council for an entire year.” “We were at war!” “Hey, no fighting,” Ahsoka cuts in. “We don’t fight at weddings.” “We were already married,” Anakin points out. “And our first wedding was better.” Padme smiles and kisses Anakin’s temple. ***** When they finally make it home, it’s incredibly late. Anakin goes to check on the twins, who are fast asleep, and Padme closes the door to the guest room that Dorme is sleeping in, so as not to disturb her. She sighs softly and turns to Anakin, taking his hands. “Thank you, Ani. I know this wasn’t really what you wanted. But I appreciate that you went through with it.” “Well, now that it’s over, we can get back to some semblance of normalcy,” he says, kissing the top of her head. “Maybe we could take the twins to the park tomorrow.” She smiles and closes her eyes, pulling him close. “Yes. Let’s do that.”

[skywalker-is-a-nerd-pass-it-on]

Aay'han AU

These are head cannons of mine that i hope will enrich your contemplation of Star wars and help fill out just why somethings might happen the way they do.

Mace Windu is passive aggressive. He can’t officially do many things Unofficially he’ll aid and abet

Qui-gon Jinn was a master of the All Night Long Horizontal and Any Other Position you can think of Negotiations

Qui-gon Jinn usually followed the Living Force into a bedroom

Qui-gon Jinn’s pathetic creatures were actually his unwanted children that resulted from his fruitful loins.

Anaikin Skywalker is a double standards tight assed prude

Padme Amedela is a kinky pervert who wears Naboo bondage wear to the senate

Vokara Che is a warrior goddess the Rest of the Jedi are terrified of. Mando think she’s a great female role model and she generates more paperwork than the dark side.

[joegranatoiv]

The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy is Really That Bad.

*Anachronistic post archived from the legacied FB Notes*

Look, I get it. I’m a cynical bastard when it comes to movies, music, games, political ideologies…just about everything. I can no longer compete in cynical Olympics (Cynolympics, great potential band name…) because I lost my amateur status many years ago. But because I am a professional, I have spent a great deal meditating on how to walk the line between what things subjectively make my skin crawl as bad in terms of my taste versus defining generally objective ‘badness’.

Being that it is so trendy to eviscerate the Star Wars prequels as bad, we watch with an expectation and a level of confirmation bias. When we inevitably see the ‘bad things’, we take it as proof positive of their overall badness and feel validated for buying into the group think. I am both guilty of falling into that as well as capable of looking beyond my distaste of the films to see their failures from a point of objectivity.

To demonstrate, I love the original trilogy, but am aware of many of its flaws and shortcomings on an objective level. Even as the pinnacle of blockbuster cinema, they are not beyond reproach for me. The dialog, most especially the tech jargon, is laughable. There is plenty of evidence of a lack of foresight when it comes to the whole of the trilogy. There are contradictions and lapses in logic in plot points and character motivations. And every time Chewbacca does the poorly-modulated-in-post-production “Tarzan yell” at the end of ROTJ just for some sort of warped perception of what will get yucks from the kiddies, I have to keep from putting my foot through the TV…but I love them. I love universe they create. And on an objective level, they do so many things amazingly well that none of these derogatory things peg the audience (or at least, me, and as evidenced by their continued popularity, most people) down.

The prequel trilogy, however, missed so many important marks, missed them so completely, and missed them so consistently, that the only reason to have a strong love for them is the affinity for the pre-existing universe and mythology; the familiarity of the iconography of and appreciation for the universe of the original films. Without that, they’d have been shrugged off in a sub-Jupiter-Ascending fashion.

With the rising number of prequel-defenders I have seen, I thought I’d articulate some of my strongest grievances while they were fresh on my mind from a recent watch. I’d never seek to belittle someone’s enjoyment of a film, but I’d like to establish firmly that there are overt, objective reasons for prequel-disdain…it’s not a simple matter of following the trend. It’s larger than any one point or element.

I am choosing today to post this, because in 12 hours, I will find out if the folks now at the helm have course corrected. I am just as sure that The Force Awakens will suffer flaws as I am the originals are often times viewed through rose colored nostalgic glasses. As the folks at CinemaSins remind us, no movie is without sin, but if there have to be things wrong, I hope that it doesn’t suffer what I consider the primary plights of the prequels, as called out below.

1. The Unearned Corruption of Anakin Skywalker

This movie’s central focus is the fostering of Anaikin Skywalker’s force abilities and the design of his corruption to the dark side by the impending emperor. This is why these films exist. On so many levels, this, the sum of seven hours of cinema, the origin story of what is renowned by most as the most iconic villain of all time, is handled so egregiously that it’s almost impossible to calculate the number of missteps that threaten to dilute the character’s potency.

I’ll give an example. Anakin discovers Palpatine is a Sith Lord. He himself draws his light saber and contemplates killing him, states that he’d certainly like to. Instead, he informs Mace Windu, knowing that Windu would confront Palpatine (and arrest or kill him). Windu does just that, but Anakin wrestles with fear for his love, suspecting only Palpatine can help him save her from certain death. So he intervenes in the arrest, and ends up being the instrument of Windu’s demise (the same moment that Palpatine’s demeanor turns to that of a comical monster). While I think the handling was abysmal, at least I can appreciate what they were going for with it. But even in that fog-headed state, there is never a moment that Anakin would have considered the Jedi to be evil, something that he comes to articulate a few scenes later just after murdering children. “From my point of the view the Jedi are evil” is a line demonstrating one of three things. One, that the narrative suggestion is that Palpatine had all but possessed Anakin to the point of nonsensical, immoral devotion, which I suppose is plausible, but if the case, it is not explored with enough detail or screen time to warrant that level of sudden, fanatical psychosis. Two, that Anakin was lying to himself in an attempt to justify his actions, which is improbably the case considering he immediately starts talking about ruling over his own empire. Or three, the most likely, Lucas realized he was almost out of celluloid and needed the now-evil-Anakin payoff, so he disregarded the sense of an organic character development to make sure the plot points were hit.

I can believe from the plot established that, by the end of ROTS, Anakin would have been a morally broken character and beginning his path towards the dark side. But nothing that transpired (or at least that is shown on screen) makes me believe that he’d murder children, believe the Jedi institution to be evil, force choke Padme in a jealous rage, or have developed the warped ambition to be the evil overlord of a galactic empire. It’s ludicrous.

They hint at things and tease things that, if expanded, may have leant themselves to these ends. For instance, Anakin tells Padme that he has grown so strong that he can overthrow Palpatine and they as husband and wife can rule together. Now that would have been an interesting alternative rabbit hole for the plot to go down. Imagine a scenario where Order 66 is executed at the beginning of ROTS. Anakin finds himself betrayed by his trusted mentor, Palpatine, and can not fight down the desperation for revenge. Obi-Wan tries hard to quell his thirst for vengeance, having had his own small brush with the dark side after seeing Qui Gon murdered by Darth Maul prompted his own desire for vengeance (hell, at least that scene would be worth SOMETHING in this scenario), but the death (or news of the death) of Padme, perhaps interconnected to his own negligence or actions, causes Anakin to lose the last shred of morality that remains. And then, it’s just a matter of watching Anakin “Vaderize”, realizing that the only way to defeat Palpatine would be to fully embrace the power of the dark side. The back half of the film is Anakin engaged in learning the dark side…a negative iteration of Luke’s Jedi training on Dagobah, really. And then, through full corruption of the dark side, Palpatine can continue to manipulate Anakin, just as Luke’s final full embrace of the ‘light’ side helped him to ultimately overpower the emperor’s manipulation. This all seems in line with Palpatine’s recruitment method if you think about ROTJ…he counted on Luke’s hatred of he and Vader to make him powerful, and ultimately sought to use the corruptive nature of that hatred to make him a servant. The themes are the same as the ones we ended up getting, but something like this would be a much more earned and believable character arc.

Attack of the Clones tried to force fit a moment like this with the sand people, but they were faceless adversaries, it felt like a sidequest, and despite his vengeful action and the conveniently timed death of his mother, he really did get over it quite easily. Three minutes of screen time later, he’s smiling and off to save Obi-Wan (for the record, my least favorite moment of the entire prequel trilogy…even more so than the love sonnet on the Coruscant balcony…but more on that in a minute).

Or if the goal was really to have Anakin believe in the perspective ‘evil’ of the Jedi, why not reveal Palpatine as the Sith Lord very early in the film? Anakin discovers the terrible secret, but we spend some time coming to understand a level of sympathy for the disgraced, forgotten, and maligned ethos of The Sith. Being such a passionate person, he relates to embracing that passion rather than dismissing it as the Jedi code demands. Palpatine serves, again, as Luke’s Yoda, teaching him an alternate understanding of the Force, decidedly different than we’ve come to know via the first three movies. We see the lines of good and evil blur, and Anakin comes to understand the history behind the ideology’s extinction at the hands of the Jedi, causing him to question his allegiance. Again, all of this is hinted at just a smidgen, with admittedly great scenes like the strange space-worm-water-opera. But we never once see Anakin ‘learning the dark side’ or about the Sith the way that a Jedi learns his skill set. We never get a training moment. Ever. Are we to assume that a Sith is just a Jedi who operates out of negative emotions? Because it would’ve been so much more interesting to see Anakin ‘learning’ the dark side, find out why it’s so alluring and powerful, rather than Jedi + anger = corrupted and evil Sith. And if the Sith are just angry Jedi, then there wouldn’t be organized dogma…ok, I’ll get to that in a minute too.

I could continue to take this approach, and try desperately to straighten the threads of plot into lines that make for better narratives, but there are issues I take with the narrative as it stands even if it did make the most compelling version of the story. We never see Anakin train to use the force. Never. Not once. Over the course of all three films. The only tutelage we get from Obi-Wan is general policing instinct. Their teacher/student dynamic is pretty much null. You know what I think was the best Obi-Wan / Anakin screen dynamic? The scene when Charles Xavier is teaching Erik Lensherr how to move the impossible to move satellite dish. Oh wait…that was X-Men: First Class. Seriously, go watch it. Put the pair in different costumes, and even McAvoy’s accent and look is a pretty good match. Performed beautifully, a powerful character moment that was more about their emotional connection than their special powers. If you want an example of what I think the Obi-Wan / Anakin dynamic should have been, look no further. And there is precedent for that – that scene in a totally unrelated IP is an amazing mirror for Luke training with Yoda. The major difference is that in this instance, Erik Lensherr goes on to become Magneto, and when the time comes, uses his ability to finally exact his revenge, sort of damning himself. Damnit, that’s exactly what should’ve happened here…just change the name Erik Lensherr to Anakin Skywalker and Magneto to Darth Vader. Erik/Magneto’s character arc is completely believable, performed with dignity by a highly skilled actor, and sets up a character that we legitimately emotionally feel for into a powerful villain that we hate yet sympathize with. I mean, hell, it even tugged at the World War 2 symbolism in the same way as Star Wars metaphorically does. With a virtually unlimited budget, why again couldn’t we get a moment that even approximated that with the Star Wars prequels and the intrinsic relationship we already had with those characters?

2. Bad Retconning

The prequels were almost entirely fan-service retconning. If a thing was mentioned in the originally trilogy, it was interpreted in some way and jammed in to the prequels. The problem is, interpretations were often contrary to the themes or events of the original trilogy. These ranged from subtle slights to the viewer’s intelligence to downright insultingly pandering. One that’s often not discussed that still bothers the hell out of me was the name Darth being used as a proper title. It’s a silly little thing, but it’s details like this that just made me see the entire universe as being a castle made of sand. Darth Vader was obviously designed to be the character’s taken name. In Obi-Wan’s duel with him in A New Hope, he says, “You can’t win, Darth” in a familiar tone that in no way suggests he’s politely addressing him by his title moniker…he’s not saying “You can’t win, Lord”. Darth was retconned to be a title given to Siths…because, reasons, I guess? It sounded cool? It made us understand who the bad guys were? I’m not sure. And of course, the term Sith itself was never used in the original trilogy. You’d think in all the talks to Luke by the Jedi, “don’t underestimate the Sith” might have been verbiage to come up. Then there’s the whole ‘rule of two’ thing…because the original trilogy had a dark side master and student, the prequels established an inconceivable ‘there can be only two’ doctrine for those following the dark path of the force. But it seemed to only apply as a mythos sound byte. There was Darth Sideous with his apprentice Darth Maul…but there was also *count* Dooku who was always operating…yet wasn’t called Darth…yet was a Sith apprentice…who called Darth Sideous his master. I don’t know…maybe it can be explained better by expanded universe subtext, but…the whole Sith dogma thing didn’t work at all. It seemed to suggest that in the original trilogy, Luke *had to kill Vader* or *join with Vader to take down the Emperor* because there can be only two, which, for me, takes all of the power out of the moral, human quandary and makes it a matter of that silly dogmatism instead. By all indications, giving into to hate and using the force backed by negative emotions made you an evil force user that wasn’t fit to be a Jedi…the concept that there was a group just as regimented as the Jedi that served as an opposing force just felt…wrong. If Sith was just the name for unworthy or banished Jedi or something, it’d be one thing…but…

Some other common instances of bad retconning that people point out often: No, Darth Vader did not give Obi-Wan his light saber to pass on to Luke. Both Obi-Wan and Darth Vader would almost certainly recognize C3P0 and R2. Considering the events of the prequels, it’s virtually impossible to believe wanderlusting-Luke would have known about and been excited over mention of the Clone Wars, but never heard of The Force or the Jedi. General Motti talks about the force as some ancient religion when he logically would have been plenty old enough to remember the Jedi as guardians of peace and justice, and pretty much leading the military unit that he is now a general of….and considering his rank, he may have even been employed or close to it at that time. The fact that the force can not be taught, but is the byproduct of microscopic symbiotes in the blood stream. Storm troopers are clones with accelerated growth and machine-like loyalty, while machines are contrarily self-thinking and rebellious…

Sure, one can go to pains to explain all of these things and sort of hack away at them until they fit into place, but it all seems so convoluted, where as one of the greatest things about the original trilogy was how narratively taught it was.

The point is, it’s as if Lucas created a spreadsheet with things mentioned in the first film…”Clone Wars”, Anakin Skywalker being a good pilot, Jedi being guardians of peace, Obi-Wan being Anakin’s former master, etc…and just started ticking them off the script list, wedging them in however and wherever he could. This retcon approach feels less like world building and more like assembly line production…see any other Star Wars knockoff film that attempts to recapture the magic of Star Wars by including similar structure and iconography for other examples of why this is a bad approach, and cheapened the storytelling of the prequels.

3. Everyone is a goddamn comedian.

So the original trilogy has it all – moments of heightened drama, romance, comedy, action and adventure…of course. It pulls off a great balancing act of blended genres. One of the competent manners in which it achieves this is by giving its characters a particular space to play in. You have the whiney farm boy who will grow to be a powerful hero. You have the agnostic sidekick who will grow to be a great and passionate ally with something to fight for. You have the warrior princess who is secretly leading the rebellion, yet still maintains her femininity. You have the entitled, self serving droid who will become selfless and realize he is an integral part of a bigger story. You have a wise old mystic who is unassuming in stature but powerful in magic. However, in the prequel trilogy, every character is the comic relief. Every single one. Every other line is a distracting quip that would be completely interchangeable with any other character. Anakin joking about not being able to find the speeder he wanted, Obi-Wan taunting Grievous and calling the blaster uncivilized, Padme cracking a joke about aggressive negotiations, Yoda sarcastically calling out the pride found in the older more experienced Jedi, everything C-3PO says, everything Jar-Jar says, Watto poking fun at the Jedi mind trick, the ridiculous pod-race commentators, stupid anti-death-stick campaigns, another happy landing, staying away from power converts, hating it when he does that, she seems like she’s on top of things…like, EVERY line, regardless of circumstance…every third line is a quip. And most of them don’t even pertain to the dramatic voice of the particular character or contribute to the drive of the scene. They’re just cheap lines. In the original trilogy, there were quips as well, but they were at least generally shallow insights into characters, their backgrounds or stations, and their relationships. The prequels tend to turn any scenario into…poor community theater improve night? That’s certainly what it feels like.

And let’s not forget the worst offender…the droids. Never in the history of cinema has a thing annoyed me more than the battle droids. Seriously. Everyone finds Jar-Jar the most annoying element of the prequels, but I disagree. I’d take an army of clumsy gungans over a single battle droid. They’re worthless and ineffectual. As a foil, they are like practice dummies. They never once represent a threat to any of the characters, Jedi or not. As for their mannerisms, you know that whole ‘Roger, Roger’ schtick? The only explanation is that it is an homage to the movie Airplane. But…in Airplane, the captain’s name was Roger, and it was followed by “what’s your vector Victor?” and other word play nonsense. And it was a slapstick Zucker brothers comedy featuring Leslie Neilson. This is f*cking space opera. In Star Wars, not only is it not funny, it makes no sense as a joke, because you know…the droids name ISN’T Roger. Why, by any standard of reasoning, was this a thing that happened? What did it add, in any way shape or form, to the plot? Try and approximate their obnoxious being with anything in the universe created in the original trilogy. Even for prequel-defenders, there is absolutely no defense for this. And seeing as the ‘great droid army’ is supposed to be this epic threat…it really undercuts my investment in all that is happening.

4. The Jedi are superheroes

I anticipate that force-aided Jedi have wondrous powers. They can manipulate energy fields that are created by all living things. But calculating 500 story free fall in the middle of Coruscantian rush hour and grabbing hold of a speeding flying transport without tearing the limbs from your shoulders should STILL not be possible, or at the very least, should be a matter of such extreme improbability and concern that it would cause some level of trepidation or danger (see Harrison Ford jumping off the dam in The Fugitive…danger. We know he’ll live, but HE doesn’t know he’ll live, and without the character having the knowledge of the danger, it wouldn’t have been interesting to watch…contrast that to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, where Marion haphazardly drives off the side of the cliff with a big old grin on her face. Just watch those two movie scenes back to back to understand the difference in the effect it creates…when you have vulnerable versus invincible characters facing what should be a dramatic physical challenge of some sort). Or standing on a foot-thick piece of metal floating on a river of molten lava hot enough to melt through a steel bridge should still instantly cook a hero to ash. Or deflecting a thousand multi-directional laser blasts at the same time. None of these sort of god-like feats that we saw was suggested by the original trilogy, yet the prequels are filled with these moments. It leaves no room for the threat of danger, and without the threat of danger, it’s like watching a kid play with action figures for two hours. The most ‘bad ass’ fights become incredibly boring…the fact that people are swinging laser swords are each other is cool and all, but it needs to have some level of emotional heft, other wise there is zero investment. I need to care about the individuals in the battles. I need to know there is a chance my hero will fail, or that at the very least the hero has a perception that he may fail and is attempting to overcome the odds in order to prevail.

Compare the experience of watching the fight between Obi-Wan and General Grievous for the first time with the experience of watching Luke fight the Rancor. One has tension and drama that demonstrate the character’s growth as a force user, establishing his maturation towards becoming a Jedi. The other just has things that are happening…lots of flashing lights moving really fast and loud sounds. Action scenes in an action movie are critical, of course…but they shouldn’t be gratuitous. They should be complementary to the character development and the themes, not just pad the plot with over-the-top sensory experiences.

5. The Films Are Emotionally Tone Deaf.

This is my biggest problem with the films, I think, as stand alone film experiences. Moment to moment, the tone of them is so disjointed that it never forms the sort of cohesion as the original trilogy. I can cite broad examples, such as comparing the empathic sense of wonder the exploration of the magical Dagobah, where we feel we are part of the experiential journey where Luke is an Avatar for the audience, to Obi-Wan’s detective work on the mysterious Kamino, which just feels sterile and disconnected. But that’s not where the problem is most evident. It’s in all of the small moments, such as in AOTC, when we find out about Obi-Wan’s peril. Anakin has just buried his mother, slid very far down an emotional rollercoaster into his first major brush with the dark side, he’s vulnerable and defeated. His whiny disinterest in saving Obi-Wan seems at least somewhat fitting in his exposed and nihilistic state. Then Padme delivers a silly line, and he gets the big goofy grin as the score turns from brooding and morose to uplifting and adventurous (did I mention this is my pick for the worst moment in the trilogy, and demonstrates in one scene everything that is wrong with the films tonally?). One line of dialog dismisses his heartache over burying his mother, a major plot point that drives the entire first half of the film and is supposed to be his heft towards the dark side. And its emotional heft is gone in an instant. The shift is preposterous. While that’s the most extreme case for me, every character has moments like this, as if the actors themselves don’t understand the material, their emotional states, or how their character would react to those emotional states (read: that’s generally on the director, not the actors…just saying). These sorts of weird, abrupt tonal shifts happen throughout the prequels, both in character’s actions and story points. Anakin is creepy stalker one second, rejected by the more mature and proper Padme, then in the next the suave and irresistible swashbuckler who has captured her heart without the story ever having earned that beat. Palpatine’s flawlessly executed, calculating deception shifts to hokey monster. The suggestion and devoted screen time to allusions of the harsh life of slaves on Tatooine, which in context ends up looking just as comfortable as life on Naboo. Qui-Gon cites tenets of the Jedi while appearing to be morally bankcrupt. It’s painful.

And I really am not sure if I can fully fault the actors. I mean…you have a cast that includes multiple A-listers like Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor...how does one f*ck that up?

Again, nothing I have said here isn’t something that hasn’t already been said. I’m sure people who enjoyed the films will defend some of these points…there is no reason to be defensive. I’m not attacking anyone’s taste. But these are some overall issues I took with the prequels upon a recent watch as I prepared for tonight’s viewing of the Force Awakens. Again, I’m sure that the new film will not be without it’s flaws, but I hope that it doesn’t fall into the trappings outlined above.

May the force be with this new film (because that’s really the only way you can end a rant like this…no matter how predictable or expected).