#and Atleast a couple years ago I was more in a position to be interacting with ye youngins

[ashenberry]

I do think tumblr is overblowing the no one knows how to use a computer a tiny bit bc I have yet to meet anyone who isn’t literally young elementary school aged that is as incapable of using computers as most of these posts are describing

[whitexwingedxdoves]

the other side     part 2   [request]

Pairing: Negan x Reader Pronouns: She/Her Warnings: Language, Death Summary: A new life seemed far too good to be true when Rick promised it to you and despite your doubts that’s exactly what you got or atleast you thought.  A/N: Requested by @jinxeee​ - I HOPE YOU LOVE IT! Im working on the last part right now and it should be out TOMORROW <3  Tags: @aubageddon91​  Part One Here. | Next Chapter

 It felt like you were in that box room for years. The only human interaction you would ever get was when someone passed one of those rancid sandwiches through. You never saw Negan though and at some point, you gave up hope and came to terms with the fact he just didn’t care or loved you the way you thought he did. You lost track of the days and nights a long time ago, the blood had peeled from your skin now but it seemed to stain, or it was shadows…. or your mind just playing tricks on you.

 It had been a while since the door opened, no dog food sandwiches, no water. Nothing. You thought perhaps they were just going to let you die in there in the worst way possible. Your mind was left to fight the dehydration and hallucinations that came with it, the women you murdered seemed to jump out at you from each corner of the room when you’d least expect it… you were living your very own horror movie. Today you laid in the foetus position, trying to stop the ghosts from getting to you when you heard the door crack open, you wanted to look so badly but you were scared it was your brain playing some evil trick on you.  You finally gained the courage to turn towards the light, wincing at the headache that attacked you almost immediately but it was a sign that this was real.  Standing in the doorway was a tall slender man, a gun pointed in your direction, you held your hands up as you attempted to sit up straight. You watched as he lowered his gun and shouted for someone to help him. As you backed yourself into the corner, you watched as a much stockier man came running to his side, the skinner man made his way towards you but with caution.

“We’re gonna get you out of here” he spoke softly, holding out a hand for you to hold. “I'm Rick, Rick Grimes” a small gasp escaped your lips at the revelation of who was in front of you now. You had heard about him from the other saviours, you knew he was the leader for another community that was causing trouble for Negan but with your primary job at the sanctuary being to look after the sanctuary while the rest of the saviours were gone, you had never had to come face to face with the infamous Rick Grimes.

 You took his hand as he led you out of the room, watching to see if you were hurt anywhere. When you passed the door frame, you couldn’t help but let your tears stream, finally being free from that hell. Your hand squeezing Rick’s a little as you try to compose yourself. You turned to him not daring to make any eye contact, biting down on your bottom lip. “Thank you” you whispered, not having enough energy to say it any louder. You felt someone hit your side softly, your eyes now panning to the object, the other man holding out a canteen for you which you hungrily took from him and downed the entire thing. You allowed a small moan to pass your lips as the dust in your throat regained its moisture. You heard the unnamed man telling you to take it easy but how could you, you had been without water for days, you passed him the empty canteen and wiped your bottom lip. “Thank you –“ finally now your voice was able to hit a higher octave.

“Daryl”

-

The men took you back to where they called home, Alexandria and it was beautiful, it was nothing like the sanctuary, it took you a few days to fully settle in – even longer to convince people that you weren’t a threat. Rick though, Rick didn’t need convincing, he’d keep you around him most of the time, teaching you new things like how to garden – that was your favourite job, He introduced you to his Daughter, Judith who seemed to take to you very well, constantly asking you to play with her whenever she saw you. He told you stories about his son Carl and the vision he had for Alexandria and you couldn’t help but tear up every time he mentioned he thought Carl would have loved you… like Judith does. The more you proved yourself the more people started to warm up to you, Michonne was the first to warm up to you, she couldn’t ignore how good you were with her daughter, nor could she ignore her daughter boasting about you at dinner every night. Daryl was a little harder to break, he recognised you as one of the saviours still but slowly he started to let his guard down around you – it was little things like bring you back your very own rabbit after a hunt or letting you watch him as he worked on his bike, it wasn’t much but you appreciated it.

 You’d stay in Alexandria for the most part, taking care of the children while the rest went off to work on the fallen bridge. You avoid the cell where Negan was kept like it was the plague, never offering to take food in despite some of the residents begging you too. You were happy again, finally. Rick had shown you what it was like to be a part of a family and now you did everything you could to show your utmost respect for the Sheriff, he was like a brother you never had and you wouldn’t let Negan ruin that for you.

 Today was a little different, you were asked to stay at Alexandria to watch Judith once again as the rest attempted to lure a horde of walkers away from the communities. You put Judith to bed but you couldn’t settle, you paced the living room floor awaiting Michonne or Rick to come through the door with good news but they never did. Instead you saw one of the residents knocking on the door, when you opened the door you couldn’t ignore the expression on his face, it was bad news. You looked past him to see a few familiar faces all seemingly upset, some had been crying. “What happened?” there was a crack in your voice, not really wanting an answer to your question and you didn’t get one. Instead you spotted Daryl just a little away from the crowd, deep in thought. You ran to him, hoping he could provide you with the answer. When you finally reached him, his eyes met with yours and instantly started to water, your chest started to heave thinking that the worst might have happened. Your eyes panned around the crowd taking in everyone that was there. You turned back to Daryl and swallowed the lump in your throat. “Where’s Rick?” your eyes started to tear up when he didn’t respond but you shook your head growing more impatient. “Where’s Rick!” you now screamed at the man, his tears now falling down his face as he shook his head, you had never seen Daryl like this before and that alone was enough to break you, you could feel your hands shaking uncontrollably as you attempted to make sense of the situation. “No- No…. No this is- No!” you cried, your legs finally buckling from under you, only to be caught by Daryl as you fell.

-

Since that day, you and Daryl became pretty much inseparable, constantly out checking new places to see if there was any sign of the man but after a couple of years had gone by you had run out of places to check. You set your sights on helping Michonne with RJ and Judith, hunting for them and watching them whenever she needed you too and much to your surprise, Daryl was right there with you. You had been sure that he would have continued to look for Rick without your help and well, he did but he was never gone for more than half a day. He swore it had nothing to do with you or the kids but you knew different, you could read him like a book now. He was your best friend, and you were his.

You walked around the gardens with Daryl checking in on everyone for the day before sending him on his way. He’d make a few jokes about how life seemed far too domesticated for his liking and you’d tease him a little, claiming he would make the perfect stay at home dad one day which would only make him push you ever so slightly. You spent most of your time there giggling away with Daryl pretty much ignoring everyone around you, you couldn’t help but feel lucky to be able to see such a soft side of the archer and you soaked up every opportunity you could. The laughter died down as Daryl spotted Negan being escorted out to the fields, trying to distract you a little so you didn’t notice. He had completely forgotten to warn you that Gabriel had decided to put Negan to work, you shot him a confused look as he stepped closer to you, blocking your view with his broad shoulders. “What are you doing?” you laughed slightly, slapping his shoulder but when he didn’t move your tone took a more serious turn. “Daryl?” The southerner sighed while rubbing the back of his neck, avoiding your eyes.

“They’re lettin’ that bastard work on the garden” he finally admitted, moving ever so slightly so you could see the scene unfold. You saw Negan bent down near the strawberries, pulling at weeds, you couldn’t bare the sight of him any longer and your eyes flickered away swallowing the lump in your throat you sent Daryl a faux smile, nodding your head.

“Good.” You whispered before linking your arm with his and continued to walk away. Your heart was racing after seeing him, you didn’t dare visit him while he was stuck in the cell, you were too scared. You almost forgot what he looked like after all these years but your heart couldn’t forget how easily he broke you.

As he picked away at weeds with his bare hands, Negan’s eyes started to wander around the garden, his heart seemed to stop when he laid eyes on you the way you wrapped yourself around Daryl’s arm laughing. He always imagined that the first time he’d see you after he locked you in that room, you’d be on your knee’s begging to be loved by him. He could feel the jealousy rise in his body, his face turning a slight red colour as he pulled a little too hard on one of the weeds. That night in his cell, all he could think about was you and how happy you looked with Daryl, his mind wandering to what you’d get up to with the archer when people weren’t watching which only angered him more. Despite all the anger, he was left more confused than anything as he sat on the edge of his bed, why did he only see you in this light now? Why did he care so much? Instead of dwelling, Negan tried to shut his eyes to fall asleep, hoping that the next day would treat him a little better.

It didn’t of course as he tended to the garden he was once again met with your laughter, his eyes narrowed at the sight of you touching Daryl’s arms before you both chased RJ around the garden. He had never seen you so happy before, so radiant it made him smile just for a moment until he saw Daryl touch you back, his hand rested tenderly on the small of your back. He couldn’t look away despite wanting to.

“If you’re not gonna work you can go back to your cell” Brandon spoke, pulling Negan's attention away from you.

“I wanna talk to Eugene” he grunted as he stood up from the flower bed.

“I don’t think you’re in any position to be making those requests” the man teased, Negan only shooting him a look before the boy nodded. “I’ll see what I can do”

[art-and-ali]

Well, once again I find myself in the darker side of this horrible cycle I’ve been in with my wife over the last year. Honestly, we’ve been on unsteady ground since before the world started going to shit, and a global crisis forcing us to be trapped together within the confines of our 600sqft apartment was never going to help things. So its no surprise that last Wednesday my wife (again) told me our marriage was over.

Initially she seemed amicable in her decision, but after a session with her therapist the next day, she turned hostile and aggressive in her interactions with me. It came to a head Friday and thankfully started to cool back down. Now usually, the cycle would continue to her coming back around and stepping down on her previous declarations. Surprisingly, while we began to engage in peaceful interactions again Saturday and Sunday, she remained committed to the idea that we were separating, being sure to clarify any opportunity she got.

Frankly, I was fine with it at this point, and somewhat relieved to be spared continuing the cycle again. After being told so many times that it’s over, it’s gotten harder and harder to come back. It was easier to accept the reality of the situation than to continue going back and forth. However, I let my guard down too soon and tonight, it happened. She started off by broaching the subject of couples therapy again (how she reeled me back in last time), asking me for a specific plan of action of how we could afford to go regularly since last time we did a single session with my personal therapist. This lead to her next question, which was whether I would be willing to sacrifice my solo therapy to afford for us to do couples.

This question really struck me, as it perfectly exemplified the underlying issue in the dynamic of our relationship, wherein I have always felt like the one giving and giving and doing whatever I can to make my wife happy, while she rarely does the same in return. So while I have already cut my therapy to every other week, her first thought is whether I can cut it entirely while she continues to see her own therapist every single week.

I also suppose the question was more simplistic and symbolic as well, and she even straight up asked what she was really asking— do I care more about figuring myself out or figuring us out. It was a loaded question, and needless to say my hesitation in giving a decisive answer was all the answer she needed. We talked it out a little more after I did clarify my desire to make things work, which was frankly only a half truth as I had spent the previous few days coming to terms with the idea of our separation I my mind and didn’t want to continue delaying the inevitable if she wasn’t fully committed. However, ultimately all the progress of our talk (which has truly been productive in communicating our relationship needs and flaws), came falling apart when the subject of my identity came up.

I had discussed the idea of hormones to my wife in the past, and back during a positive talk in February she even seemed in support of the idea and encouraged me to talk to a doctor about it. Unfortunately, tonight was a different story. After telling her I was still interested in potentially starting HRT, she was done. She just couldn’t do it. Whether that’s because of her own feelings, or her fears of how it would shatter the picture of heteronormative life to her family, or her concern and fears for my health and safety (something she had mentioned in our couples sessions last year)— I’m honestly not sure, but overall it seemed like something she just wasn’t going to be able to get behind.

This was further cemented when she began texting me late tonight (she was watching tv in the bedroom while I was out playing Animal Crossing in the living room), sending me a link to a medical article about HRT and a barrage of concerns over the potential risks. I went in to try talking to her face to face, but she couldn’t muster much more than “I can’t do it” and asking me whether I would really do it despite all the risks. I tried saying that was why I wanted to talk with a doctor about it, to see whether it was even possible for me to, but I don’t think until that moment that she fully understood how much it meant to me.

Because honestly, while me a year ago (when I first came out to her) adamantly rejected the idea of EVER transitioning in any way or even acting on my feminine identity PERIOD. I have since made leaps and bounds in my journey of self love and acceptance towards my trans identity, and have been thinking about hormone therapy as a very real option for months. Even reading the article she sent me (which I believe I had actually read before) it made me excited reading the effects of the therapy. The negative potential side effects are scary for sure, especially as someone with heart issues and a muscle disorder, but the positive benefits experiencing such a transformation would have on my mental health is just so much more powerful.

Anyway, I guess we will just have to see how this all continues to develop. Part of me fears she will revert to a more toxic and angry dynamic, but hopefully not. I also moved up my therapy appointment for this week up from Thursday to Tuesday, so I will atleast have the ability to unpack all of this with my therapist tomorrow if nothing else.

In the meantime, it is after 2am and I am exhausted (emotionally and physically), so that’s it for now.

Until next time.