#and Austin looked like he had so much fun being despicable

[maxsix]

You know what? I lied. I might go see Dune Part Two again purely to watch Austin Butler be ridiculous on screen in black and white. Now I’m not saying he’s my favourite part of the movie but that exactly what I’m saying.

[deepstheeskimo]

‘The Power of Four’

Right, everyone is picking Lions squads with less than a year to go until the next South Africa tour is meant to happen. Only so much brainpower I want to put into considering the pros and cons of scrummaging abilities though so I’ve gone for the Deeps Cult Lions XV made up of past tourists from of the last 20 or so years.

1. Allan Dell. What better way to start than with a South African born Scottish prop that only got called up as part of the ‘geography six’? In the squad: Andrew Sheridan (built like one of those GM bulls) and Tom Smith (badly underrated player, 

2. Keith Wood. The ragin’ potato. Came to Quins and inspired a character in the first ‘book’ I wrote aged 8. Weird obsession with belly buttons, understandable obsession with trying drop goals from 40 metres. In the squad: Shane Byrne (1- mullet 2- not actually very good) and Andy Titterrell (Pro Rugby Manager 2 legend and extremely small man)

3. Kyle Sinckler. Why? He’s my guy, that’s why. He’s the opposite of that ruddy faced, sweaty tweed rugger culture. He makes me smile.  In the squad: Jason Leonard (The Fun Bus. Non-playing tour captain. Once ruffled my hair - give him all the ale he can drink.) and Adam Jones (The Hair Bear. My sister used to see him all the time in Neath Tesco - give him all the pic n mix he can eat).

4. Martin Johnson. Looks like a character from a Guy Ritchie film, universally loathed by opponents and taped up his fingers(??). Summed up by the saying ‘Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it’. In the squad: Paul O’Connell (has some weird mythical power about him. Came to Quins with Munster and made south west London echo with ‘fields of Athenry’) and Simon Shaw (his emotional final interview post 2009 third test, aged 37, was pretty special) 

5. Doddie Weir. Could not be anyone else. Farmer strength. Permanently looked 20. Built for Lions tours. Still fighting the good fight. Go on big man. In the squad: Nathan Hines (perma-suspended and a ‘tartan wallaby’) and Maro Itoje (Sometimes it’s not all about drinking and bungee jumping. Itoje’s one of the few that would be able to have an actual conversation) 

6. Peter O’Mahony. One of those players that always grows into a series and ends up being important. Entirely unremarkable player but must be nasty to play against. Can’t actually imagine he’s that nice to be around at all. Big ‘school bully’ vibes. In the squad: Richard Hill (the only one of England’s 2003 RWC forwards that didn’t vote Brexit) and Alan Quinlan (Hit form at the right time, finally being picked in 2009 after a good but near-miss career. Expresses immense pride in selection. Then gouges someone. 12 week ban. If that’s not a cult player then I’m not sure what is).

7. Sean O’Brien. Another one with farmer strength. Thick in the arm, thick in the head but unlike a lot of the others won’t ever let you down. Plus on a tour you need characters and I bet, deep deep deep down he’s actually got a personality. Well, maybe. In the squad: Martyn Williams (a face that belongs in a back office of a mid sized electronics company. Somehow helped to invent modern rucking) and Sam Warburton (picked only so I can annoy people by saying his name as War-burrton’ not ‘Wabatan’ as they seem to say. Also looks like an Easter Island statue)

8. Scott Quinnell. Just rugby league all over. Overweight, comedy accent, illegal use of a plaster cast on his arm, despicable post-career lad culture DVDs and even had a stint on Soccer AM. If you kick him, all the Quinnells walk with a limp. In the squad: Ryan Jones (about the only player to come out of 2005 with credit) and Andy Powell (body of a god, brain of, erm... Great on tour as he’s a six foot five version of that kid in school you could make do anything by saying ‘oh go on!’)

9. Chris Cusiter. Born in Aberdeen which obvs piques my interest. Somehow got called up aged 22 while playing for the ill-fated Border Reivers. Played in Scotland, England, France and Australia and now lives in California running a whiskey retailing business. International. In the squad: Matt Dawson (over the head dummy try) and Austin Healey (absolutely horrible grinding shithouse). The two of these would be encouraged to collaborate on deliberately provocative articles similar to what they wrote in 2001.

10. Jonny Wilkinson. The best player of all time. Note to self, don’t hang around him too much because you’ll look pathetic and probably annoy him. In the squad: Mike Catt (Utility back. My fave) and Finn Russell (Joué Joué 🍷)

11. Ugo Monye. A huge part of my weekends for about 10 years was getting excited every time he touched the ball. Top scorer on his one Lions tour, shock. In the squad: George North (need a scapegoat for when we lose 49-0 to Japan in a warm up game) and Jack Nowell (wouldn’t play a single game, only being taken to let the squad mock him and call him a yokel - bet he’s got a dead short fuse).

12. Rob Henderson. Looked like, acted like, presumably ate like and definitely played like that guy from your local club who played England U16s and let it get to his head. And gut. Crash ball. In the squad: Scott Gibbs (hefty) and Gavin Henson (Insane talent, probably got good stories and even if he’s a prick he’s nicer to look at than some of the other options).

13. Ollie Smith. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Life gave Sir Clive Woodward the entire player pool of Britain and Ireland and somehow he picked Ollie Smith. In my team because he just looks like a nice guy. Defo pro-HS2 and his dad would pick up the bar tab. In the squad: Brian O’Driscoll (meh, guess he gets a place) and Will Greenwood (but only with bleach blonde hair. He genuinely almost died on the pitch playing for the Lions, looks like Shaggy and is a rarity in being a Lions player selected while playing Championship rugby).

14. Dan Luger. Always looked like he’d just come off a 10 hour shift at B&M. Even made skintight shirts look baggy. Played for Perpignan and Toulon before it was cool. Tryscoring machine. Injury prone as fuck.  In the squad: John Bentley (so long as he isn’t a massive sexist like on the 1997 documentary) and Christian Wade (I will never forgive rugby union for wasting his talent).

15. Neil Jenkins. Ol’ dependable. Looks like a man off the street. Can imagine he’s almost always terrified around these peacocking ‘alpha males’. In the squad: Tim Stimpson (remember him?) and Iain Calamity Balshaw (Brendan Laney never played Lions so he’s there to mess everything up instead)