#and Gwyn would be feeling safe even though she won't tell it

[orphicauroras]

[lovemyromance]

Antis: Elriel can't be endgame because SJM always gaslights us and tries to make us think a couple is endgame when they're not!!

Okay... so ... is any couple safe then? Is Feysand safe? Is Nessian safe? Who's to say Rowaelin will not break up some day? Who's to say Bryce won't leave Hunt for some random character that hasn't been introduced yet in CC4?

SJM is not writing these couples for the sole purpose of trying to gaslight her readers. Not to mention - ACOTAR IS NOT TOG OR CC.

SJM has said multiple times, the spinoffs will feature dual POV and ONE couple.

Please tell me how we go from Elain ignoring Lucien, to getting with Azriel, to leaving Azriel, and falling in love and accepting the mating bond with Lucien all in one book.

Please explain how we go from Azriel pining after Elain, getting angry over Rhys forbidding him away from her, to ignoring Elain and falling for Gwyn, discovering Gwyn is his mate (lol), and accepting the mating bond with her?

Just... use your brains for once, my friends. The excuses for why Elriel can't be endgame are laughable at best, and downright misogynistic at worst. Like are you really telling me:

Elriel can't be together because his shadows don't like her and they disappear - even though his shadows disappear around the entire IC whenever he's happy or comfortable? Even though they tell him when she's safe and sound in bed and help him put the necklace on her

Elriel can't be together because Elain will always feel a tug to Lucien - yeah we know the mating bond feels like a tug, Elain has done a pretty good job of ignoring it thus far though, and it hasn't even been broken yet. It hasn't stopped her from trying to kiss Azriel in the hallway?

Elriel can't be together because SJM never pairs them with their first love interest - great! Because neither Elain or Azriel are each others first loves.

Elriel can't be together because Lucien deserves a happy ending - great! Good thing he has Vassa

Elriel can't be together because Gwyn will be sad - Gwyn could be the priestess at their wedding and she would not shed a single tear because she doesn't want Azriel and nothing she has done shows she is romantically interested in him whatsoever

Elriel can't be together because she's miserable in the NC - No she is not. And if she wants to leave, nobody is stopping her. And if I say Azriel will follow her to the ends of the earth, then?? Next.

Elriel can't be together bc she doesn't have an Illyrian pelvis - Adoption exists, ask SJM (adopted herself). Also, your misogyny is showing.

Elriel can't be together because Elain is scared of Azriel's darkness - I'm sorry, has she whispered those words only in your ears? Because nothing in canon suggests that she can't handle his darkness. She stabbed the king of Hybern - she's fine

Elriel can't be together because she is secretly pining after Lucien - brother where?? Also, she has a very interesting way of showing secret pining by getting Nawsty in the corridor with the spymaster instead of her mate

Elriel can't be together bc SJM is a fated mates author - Okay, and if I say the Elucien mating bond is fake and Azriel & Elain are true mates? Then what? Because SJM faked a mating bond with Rowan before - don't see why she couldn't do that again with Lucien & Elain to keep him away from breaking Vassa's curse. If she can do the switching up love interest plot twist this many times, she can definitely do the fake mating bond switch up too. Give me a single reason why not?

Elriel is not suited for each other but Lucien and Elain's personalities are perfect - brother where?? Again?? Because they don't even talk so how do you know they'd even get along?

Elriel can't get together because with Elucien and Gwynriel we'd get 2 stories - this is by far the stupidest excuse but I'd like to counter by saying Elriel + Vassien. There you go. Trade you one redhead for another. Now what?

Elriel can't get together because Elain needs sunlight - she said that once. When she was confused about her visions. She sat in the window once. When she was still confused about her visions.

Elriel can't get together because -

Y'all better just come right out and admit you don't like Elriel because you like Lucien better than Azriel or you like Gwyn better than Elain - because otherwise it is getting downright embarrassing reading your theories.

It's one thing to just not like a couple - that's your right and full send, nobody's stopping you.

It's another to fully claim Elriels are delusional for thinking a couple that is currently obsessed with each other is not going to be endgame. It's another thing to use out of context canon text to support your PREFERENCE. It's another thing to claim we use Elain as a self-insert because we "want Azriel smut".

Like tf? If we wanted Azriel smut we wouldn't care who he ended up with. If it were up to my personal preferences - I'd actually want Elain with Eris because I think that would be way more interesting than both Azriel AND Lucien. If I thought Elain was a self-insert for myself, I'd keep her with Lucien because Lucien book 1 is still my favorite.

So don't come around here and tell me Elriels are delusional for reading what is printed on the page.

It's not surface level reading if we look at a "Pool is 2FT deep" sign and believe it. We have NO reason to believe otherwise.

If you choose to doubt the words written on the sign -and dive in headfirst - that's your prerogative but something tells me you won't enjoy the results 🤷🏻‍♀️

[not-poignant]

Birthday Spotlight - Crielle ferch Fnwy

[18 April - Aries]

Crielle ferch Fnwy is the matriarch of the An Fnwy estate, a beautiful, evil Machiavellian supervillain who has been manipulating the Seelie Court and her family for tens of thousands of years, while giving the appearance of being a perfectly loving Seelie fae who only cares about truth and justice.

Mother of Gwyn ap Nudd, and aunt of Efnisien ap Wledig, Crielle is actually only rarely seen in stories, but has an explosive impact regardless, due to the trauma she inflicts or causes others to inflict on our main characters.

‘You’re not mine. You may have stolen from our family legacy, you may have parasitised our reputation, you may have even exploited and ruined the things about our appearance that make us – not you – beautiful. But you are not, you have never been mine. If you felt a short, sharp shock when you came into the world, my darling, it was my hands around your throat while your father tried to pull me off you. ‘Imagine, if you will, my dear, reprehensible thing. Imagine the first time you came back to me after we sent you away to play with Efnisien. Oh you were only twelve or thirteen? What a lovely idea that was. And Efnisien had you for hours. I told him to use knives. He liked them so, and he didn’t think he’d be allowed. So precious. And I heard the distant echo of your screams like a faint, familiar melody all throughout my day. A time when they stopped because he gagged you perhaps? Or your voice gave out? Tsk. He is – was – so crude. But still...effective. And do you remember? Oh, my creature, imagine it... ‘You came home hours later, hours after Efnisien. You were broken and cut and bleeding and so, so ruined. And you stumbled into the house, and there I was waiting for you. Breathless, actually. And you stared at me as though I would – what? – tell you that Efnisien had crossed a line, gone too far? Do you remember what I did?’ ‘You smiled at me,’ Gwyn said, his voice rough and rusty.

Game Theory

Game Theory: Introduced as the manipulative, evil, and cruel mother of the King, Crielle starts off with Cinderella stepmother vibes, until you realise that Gwyn's her only son and she can't stand him, favouring his cousin Efnisien instead. A torturer, abuser, schemer, and conniving Machiavellian figure, she ultimately has been puppeting the Seelie Court for thousands of years, and is the cause of Gwyn attaining, and then losing, his Kingship.

It's safe to say that Crielle has never been the Most Valued Player of any story.

The Court of Five Thrones: While Crielle only has a very brief appearance in this story, her presence is felt throughout. We find out more about her feelings towards Gwyn, through journals he discovers in her house after her murder at Augus' hands.

The Drawn Bead: In a story that explores Gwyn's first love, Crielle is there as a forbidding, tormenting figure, ruling Gwyn's life with an invisible, oppressive kind of terror.

The Curse: The only story which features Crielle's perspective, we see her as a child, a teenager, an adult, and learn about her dangerous proclivities, how her family did and didn't deal with them, and the depth of her love for a select few people, a love that she gave to Gwyn right up until the moment he was born.

Fae Tales – Alternative Perspectives: Crielle is only here briefly, but we see more of her dialogue with Gwyn, and more of Augus' perspective about her.

Underline the Black: Crielle here emerges as a cruel villain to Efnisien, in a flipped/reversed narrative where Gwyn is her beloved child, and Efnisien is nothing more than a neglected science experiment. Efnisien's life is at the mercy of Crielle's whims, and she puts him first in Hillview (an institution) to put him out of sight and out of mind, but as soon as he causes too much trouble for her, she won't hesitate to strike him down.

The Spoils of the Spoiled: In which Crielle even in the human world as a human herself proves that she can be just as evil as ever. Ruler of the household, torturer of Gwyn (and later, we learn, Efnisien), and clearly involved in corruption and organised crime, Crielle lives her best life in this story until Gwyn tries to legally emancipate himself from the family.

Falling Falling Stars: In the follow up to The Spoils of the Spoiled, Efnisien - previously thought of as the beloved and protected 'adopted' child of Crielle's - reveals over time the verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse he suffered at her hands through therapy sessions with Dr Gary. Over time, we realise that no one is safe from her influence.

Crielle is very 'classically' beautiful, with blonde hair that has a slight wave in it, that generally falls down to her shoulders. She has azure eyes, a shade of blue almost never found among humans (even when she's human). She wears only enough make-up to accentuate her eyes and perfect lips, and maintains a very 'natural' effect to her beauty. It looks effortless and perfect enough that many who are experienced with beauty routines know she puts a lot of time into her appearance.

Crielle is asexual, sex repulsed, and aromantic.

Crielle is common fae, and while she's affected by the curse that Olphix cast upon the family, I like to think she'd still be pretty awful.

Born into a family in which some members are predisposed to sociopathic behaviour, Crielle was one of the worst and was not encouraged by her parents to be the way she is. Many people assume that she was abused into her evilness, but she wasn't.

To me, the concept or alienness of someone who is as evil as Crielle simply because she was 'born that way' is very fascinating to me.

Incredibly intelligent and perceptive, her few weaknesses are around the (few) people she loves and the way she will indulge them, as well as anything that threatens her reputation.

In Game Theory, when we finally realise that she is at the centre of Gwyn's devotion, standing there watching his humiliation, reacting in disgust to being called 'Mama' in a moment of vulnerability from her own son.

In Falling Falling Stars, Efnisien calls Crielle, and it becomes quickly clear that she holds no love in her heart for Efnisien when she calls him a 'ghost' and reminds him that ghosts are very easy to kill, making it clear she still wants him dead, and only inertia/disinterest is keeping her from following through because she'd already killed him once.

Always really fucking evil and irredeemable.

Frankly dies a lot.

Always a bit of a mad chemist. In Fae Tales she is a literal chemist and inventor of many different poisons. This has carried over even in to her human incarnations where in the Spoils universe she uses her knowledge of science to cultivate, create, or acquire poisons and viruses and bacteria to insert into Gwyn's food. And carries even more strongly into the Underline universe, where she runs one of the most successful synthetic hormone companies in Australia.

Visibly stunning.

Cares a great deal about reputation.

Usually loves Efnisien. Underline is the first series that has flipped the narrative so that Gwyn is beloved and Efnisien is loathed.

Kind of disdains her husband, who has no power over her.

Crielle is a real figure in Welsh mythology, though she was never meant to be an evil figure. Nor is she Gwyn's mother in the mythology. A sign of just how intensely I've bastardised everything for my own purposes.

She is good friends with the Ratcatcher of Hameln.

I wanted Crielle to be an example of how you can't expect that someone perfectly beautiful is a good person. I also really wanted to write a woman villain. I felt like a lot of woman villains at the time that I was seeing or reading were often written as petty or just in ways that made them somehow 'weak.' The appeal of Crielle is that she's an extremely effective villain and the only thing that stops her is her death (with the exception of Falling Falling Stars).

Despite how awful she is, I really love her! I'd write her more, but she's too strong and powerful lmao and she ruins my character's lives too much.

Crielle's colours for me have always been cream, yellow, white and blue. It's hard to imagine her wearing anything else.

‘How perfectly disgusting,’ Crielle purred. ‘A little worm has learned how to use the phone. I thought I had a caterpillar once, that would turn into the most beautiful butterfly, but it turns out the only thing my sister’s loins are good for, are despicable little worms.’ ‘D-Do you hate me now?’ Efnisien whispered. Crielle laughed lightly. ‘Oh, oh, my darling, I don’t hate you.’ A moment of hope, strong and bright, a sudden dawn inside of him. ‘I feel nothing for you. As far as I recall, I killed my nephew, and you are nothing more than a ghost.’

Falling Falling Stars

[acourtofthought]

I know sjm puts her characters through a lot before setting them up in relationships, but I feel like with everything Lucien and Gwyn have gone through, she won't make them suffer an e/riel affair too just for added "drama". Plus she already did this to an extent with Rhys and Cassian that it just feels needless to me? With everyone knowing El and Luc are mates, making him deal with THIS to boot just feels like a bridge too far to me when there are so many other interesting ways for Elucien to end up together.

I'm cheering on your anon.

Say for arguments sake E/riel is happening.

I truly, with 100% conviction do not think Gwyn would be drug into their situation in any way that would be harmful to her. There is no chance that SJM is going to take Nesta's new found friend and put her in the middle of a love triangle with her sister and her mates best friend. That is a recipe for disaster beyond just Gwyn, Elain and Az.

It would be extremely odd for SJM to backtrack on something sparking in Az's chest for Gwyn and I do think she shows curiosity / flirtation towards him so SJM would have to twist that a bit but, I don't think as of SF Az or Gwyn are too deep in terms of their feelings for one another. Which is a GOOD thing because he's clearly not 100% over Mor and he's really messed up in the head about not getting a mating bond like his brothers so he's obsessing on Elain for the wrong reasons (or at least was through Solstice). And in SF, Gwyn just started to dip her toes into the idea of sex / dating? so it's not like she's pining for Az or is (I think) under the impression he's got a thing for her. Right now it's just playful rather than deep.

So at this point if she absolutely had to, SJM could write a new LI interest for Gwyn and I don't think Gwyn would suffer as a result. (again, completely hypothetical scenario if E/riel was happening).

But Lucien.......he already lost the female he thought was mated to (and was in love with) centuries ago. That's been a burden he's carried around for hundreds of years. Then he discovers his real mate is Elain in ACOMAF and we see the torment that causes him. First because he's trying to reign in his instincts, making him feel out of control which he rarely is. Then because it's the first time since Jesminda he's ever put emotional effort into another female. He's thinking about her, showing no interest in dalliances because of her, wanting to make sure she's safe. Then he finds out his mate is in love with / engaged to someone else which is another emotional blow. Then we see him in a room with Elain for the first time feeling bothered because he knows Elain wants to go back to Graysen (remember, he heard her tell Feyre that she wanted to go home and that Graysen would be looking for her) so he already knows she's not going to want him and can't understand how the one who did want him didn't end up being his mate. Then he looks at Elain for the first time since Hybern and suffers extreme guilt because he thinks she's the most beautiful female he'd ever seen.

And even though he knows it's not him that she wants, he stays to help her through her depression. Stays for Elain, surrounded by people who he thought were enemies and around Nesta who is nasty towards him. Then when he finally reaches out through their bond and sees / feels something that causes him to blush it changes something for him. When he volunteers to leave for Vassa, you know he doesn't want to go, he bows his head which hides the longing and sadness he has but he knows Elain needs time and he walks away so she can figure out what she wants.

He has a little bit of hope when she invites him back to Velaris after the war but something happens so that their two steps forward turned into many steps back by the time the novella rolled around (really, it seems like it was SJMs way of rebooting things so she could keep them apart until their story). He ends up staying in the human lands with Vassa and Jurian but you know it's still upsetting him that she doesn't want to interact. It's not that he doesn't want to spend time with her, it's that he's completely aware that she's been ignoring him. In SF, it's entirely possible he's also aware of the "glances" between Elain and Az, just like Cassian was aware of the fact that Nesta was sleeping with other males. But even after nearly 2 years, with first knowing that Elain was engaged to someone else, then not being ready to explore their bond then flirting with someone else, he STILL looks at her with longing.

There is no male in the series who has put that much effort into showing Elain she means something to him.

So does it honestly make any sense at all to have put Lucien through all that only to have her end up with Az?

I'm sorry but if he couldn't have the female he desperately loved because she was murdered by his father then also loses his mate to a guy who is kind of a jerk when it comes to him (like, if Az was a good guy about all this, maybe it wouldn't be so bad but he is not looking like the better male in this situation)......there is not going to be someone that makes that pain magically disappear for Lucien. If it took a mating bond for him to move on from Jesminda than what exactly is going to help him move on from a mating bond that will trail him for the rest of his life? He didn't even have a bond with Jesminda yet he struggled for hundreds of years. People really think Vassa is going to be the one that is his truest love after Jesminda's death and not getting his mate? Vassa who spends more time bickering with Jurian than paying attention to Lucien? That Vassa?

And that's just Lucien's love life! We didn't even address all the other trauma's he's got going on throughout the series.

Lucien has put in the time and the suffering. Just like Rhys did, just like Cassian did. Graysen didn't fight for Elain. He didn't pine for Elain. Az has been in love with Mor pretty much the entire time Elain has been on page with him (all those four books of buildup have consisted of him loving Mor) and then when it came down to laying out his truth, he couldn't give Rhys one decent reason why he actually wanted Elain because of who she is. And moments later, he was already curious about another female.

This sounds possessive but these are fictional characters who have no real agency outside of what the author wants them to have so I'm going to say it. Az has not earned the right to be with Elain. Lucien has though, he's put in the time and the suffering. Lucien's head has not been turned by any other female romantically (sexual or otherwise) since Elain came onto the page and he was aware of their bond. Again, he is FRIENDS with Vassa and his blush was not over any feelings for Vassa, it was embarrassment at Feyre saying what she did in front of his mate. Azriel blushed at Nesta for gods sakes.

It is SJMs thing. She likes her males to suffer once they suspect they have a bond with the female (especially the humans turned fae who are adjusting to this new world), seeing only her once they suspect there is a bond while she fights it, only to have the female finally choose them in the end.

E/riels love shouting about "Elain's choice" but I think they forget she is only 50% of this equation. It is Lucien's bond too, Lucien who would suffer with it's rejection and Lucien who SJM has been building up since book 1 (Lucien who was always supposed to end up with an Archeron but SJM was surprised to find she had the wrong one at first), Lucien who has always been one of her favorite characters, Lucien who she constantly writes about being broad, sculpted, handsome, intelligent, cunning, well mannered, well dressed, and soon to be a High Lords heir. Lucien is MMC energy full stop and MMC don't lose their mates to guys who throw a temper tantrum because they didn't get a bond like their brothers did.

Whew. Sorry about all that but I had a glass of wine and apparently I got into Lucien defense mode with alcohol. 😂

But yeah, neither Gwyn or Lucien are going to suffer because of an E/riel endgame. Since they all have main character energy, SJM is not going to write a story where any of the main characters have to suffer an unfulfilled bond because another main character ended up with someone else. She's a HEA romance author and like it or not, all the main characters are ending up with their mates. SJM already told us a well matched bond is the best it gets (at least with heterosexual couples with a heterosexual bond, it's possible an LGBQT character would happily break a hetero bond) so you can't really backtrack on that and give your main characters a regular love while having a bond with someone else that trails them forever.

[ncssian]

A Modern Arrangement: Gwynriel Bonus Scene Three

Masterlist

A/N: NSFW, past sexual assault, trauma symptoms, Gwyn is unfairly self-deprecating + despite working on this since July I still don't know how science works and at this point I'm not gonna try to learn.

***

“Do you like movies?” he adds. “I’ll take you to the movies on Friday.” Preferably something boring and played out, so the theater will be empty and she won’t be paying attention.

Gwyn’s eyes widen. “Is going on dates also part of foreplay?”

“It can be,” Azriel shrugs. It will be when he does it.

Azriel tugs Gwyn by the hand down the carpeted halls of the movie theater, and it’s not until they reach their theater that she takes notice of the showing he brought them to.

“Ooh, how’d you know I love documentaries?” She turns to him with excited eyes. This is getting a lot more fun.

Az looks at the door leading into the theater, then at Gwyn, then down at the ticket stubs in his hand. “I didn’t,” he says, clearly disappointed. “I thought this would be boring. Should I get new tickets for something boring?”

Gwyn tugs on his hand as he starts to pull away. “No, don’t, I wanna learn about space!” She drags him forcibly into the dark theater, not caring about his foreplay plans that he probably uses on every other girl. Besides, this is the perfect way to ease her frenzied nerves and soothe her irrational fears. She can’t be anxious about Azriel touching her up if she’s distracted by a documentary.

“Your hands are sweaty,” Azriel notes with a hint of disgust as they climb past aisles of seats, searching for their row.

“They’re always like that,” Gwyn says cheerily, squeezing his palm tighter.

He makes a face and mutters something about forgetting hand sanitizer, but Gwyn doesn’t care as long he can’t tell how nervous she is.

Their seats are conveniently placed in the farthest reaches of the theater, hidden away in a corner dark enough that no one would see them even if they decided to straight up fuck there. Gwyn takes the seat closest to the aisle so she can make a run for it if panic starts to descend on her. She knows Azriel won't try anything she doesn't explicitly want—well, she mostly knows. You can never be too sure with a man. That's where the panic comes from.

She keeps her focus sternly glued to the previews as Azriel gets comfortable in the seat beside her. “You want a snack?” he murmurs over the sci-fi trailer playing in the background.

Gwyn throws him a look. "You just said five minutes ago we couldn't have snacks."

"Because I thought it would distract from your learning. Now I'm starting to think you need a distraction. Tell me what you want." He's already getting out of his seat.

Gwyn doesn't hesitate before answering, "Twizzlers."

Azriel makes a face. "I see your taste in sweets is still trash."

He's gone before Gwyn can comment, but it's safe to say that she's surprised he even remembers such an inconsequential detail.

Azriel used to be the kid who showed up to school without any lunch, always sitting empty-handed at the cafeteria, and one day Gwyn had felt bad enough that she offered him half of her turkey sandwich and a single straw of licorice. It wasn't charity or anything, considering how ten year old Az had taken one bite of the tough licorice and promptly spit it out. What was it he'd said to her face? I'd rather go hungry.

The documentary is starting by the time Azriel returns. He was right about distractions; she’s so intrigued as the voiceover starts playing that she almost forgets what she’s here to do. She gladly takes the Twizzlers from Azriel and settles in for an educational good time.

Azriel casually hooks his left arm around her right one, letting their hands tangle together on the armrest. Gwyn hardly even blinks. It’s just like the intimacy she has with Nesta or Emerie, except with a man. It’s not so bad.

Nesta and Emerie don’t run lines down her palm or play with her fingers while they’re holding her hand, though. Still, the touch is bearable. More than bearable, it feels good. Will Max hold her hand like this too when they finally go out? Gwyn turns giddy at the thought.

It’s a good ten minutes into the mysteries of deep space when Azriel says, “I don’t get it.”

“What part?”

“Any of it.” He moves his hand to her knee to grab her attention, looking genuinely confused. “I thought we were going to learn about planets, not theoretical stuff.”

“The theoretical stuff is the fun stuff,” Gwyn says indignantly. “Why are you paying so much attention to the documentary, anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be foreplaying me up?”

Az’s hand tightens on her knee, and he looks like he wants to argue about the movie more before he says, “Fine.”

They go back to watching the movie, but now he’s drawing circles around her knee. The gesture is flat and emotionless like a soldier obeying orders, which only goes to show how truly touch starved Gwyn is: she practically melts anyway. Sitting back with a small sigh, she lets herself be lost to Azriel’s subtle touch, even if he’s not fully into it right now.

Or that’s what she thinks, until his circles on her bare leg become slower and lazier, more drawn out in their pleasure. “Explain space-time to me again?” he whispers to her a few minutes later, now trailing his hand up her thigh. The hair along the back of Gwyn’s neck raises with his touch. He’s not using his confused voice this time at all— he’s using his bedroom voice.

He’s struck her weak spot. She doesn’t know how he knows, but she can’t resist from commentating during movies. “Well,” she licks her lips, “the theory is that distance and time and gravity directly impact each other.” His fingers brush dangerously close to the hem of her skirt, but she swallows away her nerves and keeps talking. “Imagine space and time as a flat, two-dimensional plane. Like two sides of the same sheet of cloth that never ends. Now imagine planets and stars as 3D objects weighing down on that sheet, making it bend and warp. The heavier the mass of an object in space is, the more the space-time continuum has to warp to accommodate it.”

“Fascinating.” Azriel’s hand is well under her skirt now, and Gwyn…Gwyn only widens her thighs more. Even with the frustrating heat between her legs, she feels oddly relaxed.

“Tell me more,” Az hums, fingers stroking up and down the fabric of her panties. Panties that are slowly but surely turning damp under his touch.

“I mean, I’m not the best at astronomy,” Gwyn tries to say.

She’s cut off when Azriel suddenly presses down on her clit over her panties with his thumb.

Gwyn jolts, snapping her knees shut. No, no, no! her entire body revolts. Azriel immediately pulls his hand out from under her skirt, holding it up so she can see it. His wide eyes ask if she’s okay.

Breathing quickly, Gwyn shakes her head hard. “Don’t,” she whispers. “Don’t touch me there.”

He nods and whispers back, “Okay, no clit, sorry.”

“You can still touch me in other places, though.” Gwyn doesn’t want one little scare to ruin the whole night. She was just doing so well, and her heart rate is already slowing down back to normal.

Az doesn’t say anything, but he abandons her legs to wrap his arm around her shoulder. “Let’s take a break. Watch the movie.”

Gwyn has no problem settling back into his hold. His jacket carries a strangely comforting scent of mint and tobacco, one that makes her want to bury her nose in his shoulder and fall asleep.

Okay, now she’s getting carried away. She doesn’t even know what’s going on in the documentary anymore.

Refocusing her attention on the soothing voice talking about neighboring galaxies, Gwyn lets herself forget the earlier shock her body took. Any lingering fear or arousal seeps out of her, and she feels so… at peace.

Some time later, she doesn’t know how long has passed, Azriel’s right hand lands on her thigh. A shudder escapes her as he drags his fingers along the inside of her leg, but when she glances toward him he’s still watching the documentary with vague interest.

She doesn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved that he isn’t going any further with his fingers. It’s just what she feared: he thinks she’s a freak, and now he’s given up. What’s the point in trying to seduce a twenty-seven year old with the mindset of a virgin?

She turns to look back toward the screen, and it’s only a second later that Azriel’s voice enters her ear. “Tell me where I can touch you.”

“What?”

“Tell me where to touch you,” he repeats slower, “and I’ll see what I can do with what you give me.”

Gwyn whitens, wondering what he means by what I can do. How far is he planning on taking their foreplay? How far does foreplay usually go?

Crap, she should’ve asked Nesta or Emerie for these answers before coming here.

“Um…” Gwyn stalls for an answer. She’s never thought too deeply about where she does and doesn’t want to be touched. “Nipples are a hit or miss for me,” she starts. “Sometimes I like it, most of the time I hate it. I guess it just depends on how comfortable I am in the moment. You can touch my throat, but don’t wrap your hand around it, ever. Everything else is fair play.”

He raises a dark brow. “Everything?”

“Yes.”

He doesn’t say anything after that, and Gwyn would kill to know what he’s thinking. When he finally speaks again, it’s to say, “Remember when I fell off the monkey bars and landed on top of you?”

“Huh?” Gwyn is confused.

“You were so tall for a third grader. It took us forever to hit the ground, seriously.”

“I hate you,” Gwyn deadpans.

“We were both sort of a pile of mush on the ground,” Az continues, ignoring her, “and I had my face buried in woodchips and splinters for days, but you could imagine my shock when I sat up to find a nine year old giant had cushioned the worst of my fall. And then you threw up your lunch all over my lap.”

Where is he going with this?

“Do you remember?” he prods her again.

Gwyn rolls her eyes, getting more annoyed by the second. “Yes, I remember.”

“Remember what I did next?”

Gwyn thinks back to that faded sunny day, trying to draw up the memory accurately.

“What did I do next, Gwyn?” His breath fans out over her ear. He surprises her by finally moving his hand back under her skirt, running a finger along the crease between her thigh and pelvis.

Her lips bunch in confusion. “You laughed.” Azriel had looked up from the puke all over his pants and giggled in her face, not even the slightest bit upset. “You were so weird as a kid,” she says. “Why did you laugh?”

“I thought it was funny. Hilarious, even,” he answers. “And I thought you’d just been through a terribly embarrassing ordeal because of me, and I wanted you to feel better.” His other hand, the one still wrapped around her shoulder, runs distracting lines up and down her arm.

“That’s…almost decent of you,” Gwyn admits. “But what’s your point?”

“I just wanted to say that I thought you were cool. I mean, you were cool before the vomit incident, but afterward I developed a real puppy crush, didn’t I? I got up to turn in papers at the same time as you, ate lunch at the same table as you, asked you for homework answers even when you didn’t know them.”

His voice gets impossibly quieter. “Even after I moved away, I thought of you, Gwyn. For a while after I left school, I’d think every girl I saw with red hair was you.”

Her breathing goes shallow. “And then what?”

“And then I found myself here.” His finger traces the outer line of her underwear but makes no further move. “A lucky twist of events, don’t you think?”

Gwyn hums in assent, though her brain is kind of fogged out now. Is he implying that he still, in this moment, has feelings for her?

His palm suddenly flattens against her center, causing her to squeak. She clamps her mouth shut as her face flames in embarrassment, but luckily nobody seems to have heard her. Azriel only huffs a laugh at her reaction.

She realizes for the first time that his body is practically twisted ninety-degrees toward her, fully facing away from the theater screen. All his attention belongs to her, like she’s the most fascinating thing in the whole room.

His other arm unwraps from around her shoulder so he can bring a grazing touch to her jaw. “Where else are you sensitive, Gwyn?” he murmurs in a low voice. “Here?” He brushes the skin beneath her ear, triggering a delicious shudder throughout her whole body. “Or here?” His fingers bury lightly into her hair, scraping against her scalp.

Gwyn wets her lower lip, her eyelids wanting to flutter shut at the butter-soft touches. “Oh, you’re good,” she admits in a whisper. If this is what foreplay entails, then she’s definitely ready for it with…

Her mind takes a second to remember the name. Max. Yes, of course, Max.

Heat spreads between her thighs, impossible to ignore thanks to Azriel’s hand still snuggled there. She tries to rub her legs together to ease the growing ache, but it only presses his hand closer to her core. He said he wouldn’t touch her clit, and he technically isn’t. He’s touching all of her.

“If you want me to come,” Gwyn acknowledges the impossible outcome that’s been hanging in the air all night, “I should warn you that it’ll only end in us both being disappointed.” Orgasm has historically taken her forever to achieve, even though she tries for one at least once a week. No matter what toys she uses or fantasies she imagines, it never comes naturally to her body— only through strained effort and force.

“It doesn’t matter whether you finish or not.” Azriel’s voice in her ear is reassuring, easy. “It matters whether you enjoy it.”

That sounds okay. She can do that.

Very experimentally, Gwyn wraps her hand around Azriel’s right wrist, the one under her skirt. His other hand is lazily drawing lines against the nape of her neck and across her shoulders in a way that makes her want to giggle and squirm, but she represses any noise or movement and simply lets herself be washed away with his touch.

Holding her breath, Gwyn hesitantly grinds herself against his palm. It takes her a moment to decide if the touch is bearable, if she likes it. And once the answer is a decided yes, she shifts against his hand again. Keeping his wrist in a tight grip, she moves faster, with more purpose.

“That’s it, find what you like.” His voice is like shadows, impossibly low and meant only for her to hear.

“Can you just—keep your hand there,” Gwyn pants, breathless. As if her hand isn’t already wrapped around his wrist and she isn’t basically rubbing herself against his palm.

But Az doesn’t seem to be a fan of letting Gwyn have control of the reins the whole time. “Settle down,” he orders in a murmur as he presses against her core. An instinctive part of Gwyn can’t help but obey at his tone; she collapses limply into her seat and lets him take care of her as he sees fit. Azriel’s other arm twines around Gwyn’s on the armrest in an easy yet intimate gesture, his hand resting over hers. To anyone walking by in the dark, they’d look like a normal couple casually holding hands.

It’s that thought that makes Gwyn feel inexplicably comforted, like nothing bad can happen to her here. No force can be used on her. Even now he’s being careful to avoid rubbing too hard against her clit as he draws out her pleasure.

Is she going to…? No, there’s no way she’s going to. She’s never come this easily in her life, and it’d be insane if—

She tries clearing her throat, but it doesn’t work. “Az, I think I’m going to—” Her sentence is choked off by a sudden overwhelming pulsing in her core. It’s nothing specific that finally sends her over the edge, only the pure buildup of it all. She has to slap a hand over her mouth from the surprise of it, her legs clamping shut around Azriel’s wrist at the same time. She only recovers her senses in time to remember how to move and flex her hips over Az’s palm, riding out this wave for every drop of pleasure it’s worth. The documentary keeps playing, and not a single soul turns to look their way in the dark theater as Gwyn falls from her high.

The moment she returns to her physical body, Gwyn shoves Azriel’s hand out from under her skirt. Heat crawls up her neck and ears, and she glances around the theater dazedly, wondering if anyone somehow sensed her climax. She feels stripped raw and vulnerable, like a neon sign is flashing over her head announcing GWYNETH BERDARA JUST HAD AN ORGASM.

She also feels…

“So romance does it for you, huh?” Azriel interrupts her train of thought.

“What?” Gwyn blinks out of her haze, still coming down from that climax.

“When we were pretending I was in love with you,” Az explains matter-of-factly, “I could feel how wet you were through your underwear. If all you need is romantic feelings to get you going, then Max should have no problem getting you aroused.” He grins and holds up the hand he just rubbed her off with for a high five. “Congrats, Carrots. You just learned how to come with another man.”

Oh my god, right. He’d been pretending, it was all pretend. And it worked.

Gwyn swallows something back and smiles shakily, her heart pounding fast as she lightly meets Azriel’s high five. She feels funny, like she could either laugh or throw up, but it isn't because of fear or dread. No, she feels almost euphoric. It must be the victory celebration going on in her head right now.

***

A cool breeze hits Gwyn on the way out of the movie theater, heightening her post-orgasm bliss. Every muscle in her body is slack. She can’t feel her toes. This is amazing.

It doesn’t hurt that Azriel’s arm is still lightly hooked around her elbow, no intentions or feelings behind the gesture. Just casual friendliness.

The thought warms Gwyn’s insides. That out of this entire crazy arrangement, maybe she managed to find a real friend.

Gwyn drops Az’s arm as they approach his sleek little BMW. She runs up to the car and turns to him with her best pleading eyes. “Can I drive?”

“No way in hell.”

Gwyn feels brave tonight. “You said when we left the theater that I deserved to celebrate. This is how I want to celebrate.”

“Gwyneth.” Azriel comes up to her and stops only a few inches away, deadly serious. “This is a vintage luxury—”

“Wow, the door is unlocked.” Gwyn pulls the driver’s door open and starts getting in.

“Wait, this whole time?” Azriel sounds panicked. Gwyn twists her neck around to check for burglars in the backseat, and upon finding no signs of break-in settles back into the driver’s seat. She doesn’t even have to adjust the mirrors since their heights are so similar. It really is a nice car.

She reaches out to shut the door after herself, but Azriel, who still stands outside, catches it with one hand. After a prolonged staring contest between her and him, Azriel is the one who lets out a sigh and lets go of the door. He rounds the car to get in the passenger seat, and Gwyn nearly vibrates with excitement when he hands her the keys to start the car.

“I feel so good after that orgasm,” she babbles as they pull out of the theater parking lot. “I feel like I just got my back cracked by a chiropractor, that’s how good I feel. And the movie and snacks helped, too. Have you considered being a professional orgasm provider?”

Azriel hisses in an amused breath through his teeth. “Last week you shoot my ego down with no mercy and tonight you say this? What game are you playing at, Berdara?”

Gwyn turns sheepish, shrugging her shoulders as she drives. “I don’t play games. I’m being honest. You’re…good at what you do.” She waves a hand at him. “It’s not my fault if you let it get to your head.”

“If you don’t stop me, who will?” He adds after a moment, “I’m fucking starving, though.”

It is late, and they didn’t get a chance to grab dinner before the movie. “There are some Twizzlers left in my purse.” Gwyn gestures to the bag atop the middle console.

Azriel’s face twists. “You must be out of your goddamn mind.”

“Well, it’s either that or week-old crackers,” Gwyn retorts. “There’s no fast food stops on the way home, and I’m not about to turn in the opposite direction.”

“You are truly a heathen,” he tells her, even as he grabs for her purse. “I’ll take the crackers.”

He must seriously be hungry if he’s actually going to eat her crummy old purse food, especially considering his aversion to all things messy or unclean. Gwyn listens to him rummage around her purse for a bit when she hears a metallic jingle, and she glances over to find Azriel questioningly holding up a large keyring strung with a variety of objects.

“No judgment, but these are some scary looking sex toys, Freckles,” he says, turning the keyring over under the passing streetlights.

Gwyn scoffs as she drives, even though the sight of Azriel touching her keyring makes her itch. “Those are for self-defense. Put them back.”

“Seriously? Wow.” He picks up a purple spiked object dangling off the ring. “What’s this do?”

“Put them back, Azriel,” Gwyn repeats, her voice hardening this time.

“Are they for defending against me, too?” His question makes her blink in surprise, but she answers without hesitation: “You too.”

That gets Azriel to put the tools back in her purse. Neither of them speak for a few long minutes, and Gwyn internally kicks herself for answering his question so harshly. It’s not his fault she can’t trust men, but how is he supposed to understand that? Azriel was so nice for taking her out and helping her orgasm tonight, and now she’s returned his kindness by stating she doesn’t trust him not to hurt her.

Azriel finally breaks the silence. “Do you think you could ever feel a hundred percent safe around me?”

Gwyn grimaces. “Don’t make this weird, Az—”

“I’m just asking.”

Gwyn glances over to him then, and almost gets arrested in the simple, curious way he’s looking at her. There’s no judgment or disappointment in his eyes like she expects to find, only the sense that he wants to know more about her.

Azriel reaches over then and takes a hold of Gwyn’s jaw with one hand, making her breath hitch— but no, he’s just redirecting her focus back on the road. Gwyn jerks the wheel when she realizes she’s steered too close to the meridian, and Azriel hisses and leans forward as if he can protect his car from her reckless driving.

“Sorry,” Gwyn laughs nervously, throwing an apologetic look in his direction. To avoid a scolding about safe driving, she directs the conversation back to Azriel’s question. “To answer your question,” she says somberly, “no. Not with you or any other man. Don’t take it personally—”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“There’s just always a risk, you know? I’m jealous of people who go through life being ignorant of that risk, but it’s there inside everybody.” Especially when women like her are even more likely to be repeat victims in the future. Azriel might be good at convincing Gwyn to try a lot of things, but he’ll never convince her that there’s such a thing as being too paranoid when it comes to her safety.

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Azriel says. “It already makes sense.”

“Oh.” Gwyn’s voice comes out a little high-pitched. “Okay. That’s good.” Oddly enough, she believes him.

***

“It’s not a conspiracy, it’s fact—” Gwyn is arguing with Azriel by the time they arrive at her apartment building and pull into a parking space.

“You’re telling me the stars and planets can warp time? God’s time? You’re crazy,” he scoffs as they both climb out of his car.

“That’s literally how it works, Azriel. You think you know more than science?” She slams the driver’s door shut behind her, tossing the car keys over to him with more than a little irritation.

“How does science know about this so-called space-time continuum?” Az is practically yelling. “Was Interstellar a documentary too?”

“There’s math and physics to prove it, idiot,” Gwyn snaps as they both stomp up the stairs to her apartment. “Why are you still here?”

“I’m walking you home,” he snipes back.

“You’re trying to invite yourself in for snacks, is what you’re doing.”

“Of course I am; you tried to make me eat purse crackers for dinner,” Az mutters.

Gwyn comes to a halt as she reaches the second floor and finds a tall figure waiting outside her apartment door. Her heart rate picks up at the potential threat until familiarity kicks in. Gwyn nearly drops her purse. “Max?”

Azriel draws to a stop beside her. “Who?”

Her coworker turns around, brown eyes widening at the sight of Gwyn. “You’re here!” Max smiles pleasantly at her. “I was just about to give up and go home.”

Giving a little squeak, Gwyn stumbles backward into Azriel, who steadies her with his hands at her arms.

At six-foot-four with curly brown locks and the kindest eyes Gwyn has ever seen, thirty-five year old Max Kellan is currently Gwyn’s favorite man on earth. She also doesn’t know how to speak to him in the slightest.

“What—” Gwyn coughs, clearing her throat, “What are you doing here, Max?” Probably more important: how does he know where she lives?

“Merrill gave me your address, and I wanted to return this to you.” He holds up a plain gift bag that she doesn’t recognize. “You left your hoodie in my office the other day. I didn’t want you to wait the whole weekend to get it back.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Gwyn can see Azriel raising his brows nearly into his hairline. Max seems to take notice of him for the first time and says hesitantly, “I wouldn’t have come if I’d known you were on a date…”

“Oh no, no, no,” Gwyn rushes, shaking her head. Crap, how must this look to Max? “He’s not my date,” she says hurriedly. “He’s—”

“Her cousin,” Azriel answers, quick and smooth. “We just got back from a movie.” He has the nerve to elbow Gwyn in a teasing manner, like they’re schoolgirls on the playground or something.

Gwyn forces a laugh even as she elbows Az back a little too hard. “Yes, that’s right. We’re cousins.”

She can feel Max look between the two of them with skepticism, from Azriel’s brown skin and ethnically ambiguous features to her pale coloring. “Alright,” he says slowly. “Still, I’m glad I caught you. I’ll just leave this here then.” He places the bag in front of Gwyn’s door.

He’s leaving already? Gwyn tries not to let her heart fall in disappointment when Azriel blurts, “Don’t go!”

Both Max and Gwyn whip their heads toward him.

“Gwyn has something she wants to say to you,” Az improvises, shoving Gwyn toward Max.

No, she doesn’t. “No, I don’t,” she tries to hiss at Azriel, but he’s already backing away from her and Max. “I’m just gonna go…over here.” Azriel gestures vaguely in one direction, and walks over to a narrow wooden post by the stairs. He then makes a poor attempt at hiding behind it.

Left alone to face Max, Gwyn laughs awkwardly. “Thanks for bringing my hoodie back,” she manages to say. Honestly, she left it in his office so she’d have an excuse to return and pick it up, but this is a much better outcome than she could’ve expected.

A surge of bravery seizes her, fueled by the euphoric high she’s still riding after the movie. “I know it’s late but— do you want to come in? I can make you a coffee before you go.”

Azriel makes a choking sound from the end of the hall, but she ignores it, only having eyes for the man in front of her.

“I’d love that.” Max’s smile is soft, youthful. Gwyn turns into mush for the millionth time that night.

“Great, let me just—” She starts digging around in her purse for her keys. A small part of her is aware of the risk of inviting him inside, of course, but that’s what all her self-defense lessons are for. And for once, the benefits greatly outweigh the risks.

Remembering that there’s a second man with her tonight, Gwyn glances over her shoulder to shoot daggers at Azriel. Get out of here, she says with her eyes.

But what about snacks? he mouths back.

Her glare becomes an apologetic look as she takes out her keys. Sorry, I owe you, she mouths.

She’s pretty sure Azriel doesn’t catch most of that, but he gets the message. Nodding, he turns around and begins to head down the stairs.

Gwyn turns back to the door and unlocks it, shoving it open for Max. “You can go first and get comfortable,” she tells him, sweeping her arm inside the space. “Do you mind if I leave you alone for a minute? I need to give something to my cousin.”

Max nods. “I’ll bring this in for you,” he says, holding up the bag with the hoodie.

Gwyn is gone before he finishes his sentence, running down the stairs so she doesn’t miss Azriel.

She catches him already at his car, about to open the driver’s door. She grasps at the sleeve of his leather jacket to stop him, panting from the run down here. Damn, she’s dangerously out of shape.

Azriel’s hand drops from the door. “What is it?” he asks immediately. “Are you uncomfortable? Do you want me to stay?”

“What?” Gwyn pants. “No. I just wanted to say— thank you for tonight.” Can that really encapsulate it? How he made her feel safe and desirable and coveted despite the fact that they’ve only known each other for a short while? “I don’t think I’ll ever forget it,” is all she can muster. Because even if this arrangement is only temporary, she’s reaching milestones thanks to him.

Az’s hazel eyes soften at her words, but he covers it up with a smirk. “You flatter me, Gwyn.” He looks away and adds, “For what it’s worth, it was pretty memorable for me too.”

“Really?” she says, excitement creeping into her tone. “I was worried I wasn’t doing enough to hold up my end of the deal. It’s hard to rebound from an ex with a woman who can’t…” She shrugs instead of finishing her sentence.

Azriel’s smirk drops and his face becomes serious. “I didn’t go into this to get laid,” he states. “I did it to replace bad memories with better ones.”

“Oh. I never thought of it that way.”

“Now if you really want tonight to be unforgettable, you better get your scrawny ass upstairs to your real date.” He shoves Gwyn away from his car and back toward her building, making her laugh. “I’m going, I’m going,” she says. She scampers away before he can push her again.

On the walk back up the stairs, Azriel’s last words linger in her ear. Replacing the bad memories with good ones— that’s what they’re doing for each other. It sounds really nice when put that way.

***

tags:

@rarephloxes

@moodymelanist

@arinbelle

@sayosdreams

@bridgertononmymind

@live-the-fangirl-life

@a-court-of-valkyries

@secretlovelybeauty

@humanexile

@helion-ism

@my-fan-side

@royaltykxx

@xoblivisci

@planet-faerie

@katekatpattywack

@imagine-me

@meridainthedisneyland

@jungtaekwoonie-is-life

@rainbowcheetah512

@valkyriewarriors

@loosingdreams

@chosenfamily-valkyriequeens

@perseusannabeth

@that-golden-lyre

@imsointobooks

@skychild29

@laylaameer01

@aightimmaheadoutsblog

@azrielbedara

@awesomelena555

@agentsofsheilds

@champanheandluxxury

@pixieelea

@theoverlyenthusiasticwriter

@teagoddess99

@readiajin

@seashade

[namisthecoolest]

Part II - "One step forward, two steps back."

Gwyn couldn't sleep. How could she after all that has happened ? Mindlessly her hand went to grasp for the necklace but ended up clutching air instead. The tightening in her throat, that she was trying really hard to get rid of, intensified. Mind stilling didn't work and now she lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. She can't stay alone, not with her mind wandering off to places she doesn't want to go. She quickly got up and wore her leathers. That's what she has been doing for the past few months when she waked up breathless with tear stains on her cheeks and a silent scream lodged in her throat. Go up to the House of Wind and train until she's numb of the pain, both physical and emotional one. It was the night of the past years Winter Solstice when the Shadowsinger first found her training in the middle of the night trying to cut the ribbon. That was the first time they had a real conversation rather than him barking orders and teaching her techniques during training.

-------------

When the Shadowsinger landed on the balcony that night Gwyn was surprised because she thought everyone was going to be staying at the High Lord and Ladys river estate. She started apologizing when he cut her off saying he came to retrieve something he left behind. It was like any other night. Her waking up finding herself in darkness and covered in sweat. She didn't think twice before changing and headed up. Every muscle of her body was aching at first but now all is numb and she welcomed it.

"I forgot something. "

She knew he was lying so instead of calling him out she asked, "At two in the morning? "

His eyes shone amusement when he replied with, "I can't sleep without my favorite dagger. "

"A comfort to every growing child. "

They talked a little more before she asked.

"Do you sing?"

Gwyn doesn't know what had posessed her. It could either be the cold got to her head or she was so desperate to divert her mind that she clutched to the first thing she thought of. But it was a question she had in her mind ever since she had heard his title. But that's what it was supposed to be. In her mind not out in the open and especially not in front of HIM. But they were talking and she already asked it and there's no going back so now all she could do is wait for the answer.

He went silent for a second before asking, "Why do you ask? "

"They call you shadowsinger. Is it because you sing? "

"I am a shadowsinger-It's not a title that someone just made up. "

Well that doesn't answer her question so she shrugged and asked again. "Do you though.... Sing? "

He eyed her peculiarly before the corner of his lips tipped up and let loose a low sound which sounded an awful lot like a laugh. HOLY SHIT SHE MADE THE AZRIEL, SPYMASTER OF THE NIGHT COURT, LAUGH. She was still reeling from her achievement and that's why she could barely register his answer.

"Yes."

Well now she was more curious. She opened her mouth to ask more but was cut short when he corrected her techique on using the blade. Well she couldn't be of blame when all Cassian does nowadays is make googly eyes at Nesta and she said as much to the Shadowsinger, who unsurprisingly agreed. They think they are doing a great job at hiding it but are failing awfully because even a blind person could sense the heat and intensity crackling between them whenever they are near each other.

"Happy Solstice. Don't stay out too much longer. You'll freeze.", he said and left when she nodded and she went back to trying to cut that Motherforbidden ribbon knowing she won't be going back until the heaviness in her heart felt a little lighter.

That night she went back to her dorm later than anticipated. She was on her way up to the priestess's dorm halls when she stopped in her tracks when she thought she heard a familiar voice. She followed the voice to Clotho's desk where she saw the Shadowsinger slide something to Clotho on her desk. She wasn't close enough to hear the whole exchange, but she saw him nodding and then he left. She thought he was probably here for some official business and didn't think much of it. The next day she got the necklace from Clothos with a note saying a friend left it for her. For the first time in a long time the tightness in her chest loosened a bit for her to breathe freely for a few seconds. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever received. A rose pendant that shined every time it moved. So this is what Azriel was doing in the library last night. But he didn't want her to know it was from him. Why? Without thinking much of it she put the necklace on and smiled the whole day.

-----------

Fastening her hair in a braid her eyes caught the black cloak in the corner of her closet. She gulped thinking of the circumstances she and the Shadowsinger had first met and what she had found---NO NO she will not think of it. Her eyes were watering again and so she quickly got out of her room and went up the stairs. When she reached the balcony the sun was already peeking from the horizon. She stared at the sky while it changed its colors in various shades. She took a large breath forcing the fog in her mind to clear.

She had slapped him. For what? Because he had given her a gift meant for another? Fuck. She lost it when she finally processed what Elain was saying last night.

------------------

Elain was staring at something below her face. Her necklace. She smiled remembering who gave it to her and touched the rose.

"Isn't it pretty? " , she asked her still smiling.

"Yes.Very.May I ask how you got it? "

Strange she had thought. Elain and Gwyn never talked. Now all of a sudden she had approached her and asked about the necklace.

"A friend left it for me at the library. " Not the complete truth but if Azriel wanted it to be anonymous and the least she could do is respect his wishes.

"Huh, it looks exactly the same one I had returned to Azriel last Solstice. "

Gwyn's blood went cold. "What? ".She hated how her voice cracked.

"Oh... Azriel had given it to me as a Solstice present. I had returned it of course. But it looks like he found someone else to give it to. "

The necklace suddenly felt like a heavy chain on her neck. Her eyes watered from what?....hurt. The necklace that gave her solace a while ago now was the reason of her heart being gripped painfully. She stood there frozen, until she couldn't take it anymore. Ripping the necklace from her neck she shoved it in Elain's hand who took it with a stone cold face. When she whirled around to leave she came face to face with the cause of her tears. Azriel......how could he do this to her? He gave her a gift as an... afterthought? Someone who would happily take something rejected by another? Someone to be pitied? Is that what he thought of her?. Him standing there with wide eyes didn't help the roaring that grew by the second in her head. She slapped him with all her strength and fled from the spot telling him to never speak to her again.

Mor had found her outside the throne room. She took one look at Gwyn's face and winnowed her back to the library. She was very thankful for her to not question why she was crying. Mor ensured Gwyn had safely reached her dorm and took her leave.

-------------------

Gwyn doesn't know how long she has been staring at the horizon. Apparently long enough for the birds to start chirping and the sun to fully come up. Rubbing her face with her hands she groaned internally. She had lashed at him for something he was not at fault of. It was her fault. She placed her expectations too high for someone like her. A priestess who was violated in ways that cannot be undone and carried baggage more than she can endure. She thought she meant something to the Spymaster of the Night Court. She thought they had been friends after all the late night training sessions they had after the first one and the jabs they threw at eachother every now and then. She was nothing more to him but his student. What was she thinking? Of course he deserved someone like Elain- beautiful, innocent, unstained....perfect. She has to get that through her head. Even if it meant she has to press down her feelings towards him. The ones she would never dare now to indulge in. How was she going to face him now? But she has to try to make things try. After all he still is her trainer and she doesn't want things to be awkward. Determined to set things in their righful place, which also included her expectations which was too high for her own good, she took a deep breath.

"I'm the rock against which the surf crashes ~inhale~ Nothing can break me. ~exhale~ ", she whispered to herself and the world around. With renewed strength she turned around. She let out a humorless laugh and thought the Mother has a wicked sense of humor by---her thoughts came to a sudden halt when she saw HIM standing on top of the stairs, his gaze focused solely on her. She hardened herself.

"Shadowsinger."

[acourtofthought]

Hello! how are you? I'm very afraid that the next two books won't have Lucien with pov. SJM doesn't seem to care about him. I don't see her saying anything in interviews, she's always talking about Azriel (I can't take it anymore). My language is not English, so I have a lot of trouble watching SJM interviews. Would you be able to tell me if she has given any signs that she is embarking on Lucien's story? Thank you for your attention, I feel safe when I sometimes send questions to you.

Hello and Happy Monday!

And thank you, telling me you feel safe sending questions to me is an extremely high compliment ❤️

I think that we as readers tend to have short memories. Because yes, Az is the big focus for everyone right now because of his POV chapter in ACOSF and the introduction of another possible Love Interest for him.

And yes, SJM has been answering a lot of questions related to him because those have been the questions readers are asking.

But.....Az wasn't really a topic of conversation with the release of ACOMAF and ACOWAR. He was definitely an important character but people were talking about Feyre and Rhys, Lucien and Elain, Nesta and Cassian. I think the biggest thing I remember SJM saying about Az back then was that he scared her a bit. 😂 (he's probably a lot darker than we all realize).

Back then, SJM talked about Elain and Lucien still having a journey to go on together, one that was full of tension and growth and healing. She talked about what their perfect date would be. She said sassy Lucien isn't around these days because he's got a lot going on. She said both Elain and Nesta had major journey's ahead of them, that Elain pretty much had her HEA ripped away from her and that she knew who the first two spin off books would be about but wasn't entirely sure of the third (which always made me think Nessian was the first and Elucien was the second). She also mentioned they'd be dual POV so it made sense to assume that if Nesta and Cassian both had a POV, Lucien would have one as well.

But because Nesta's book came out first, the focus on certain characters and unanswered questions has shifted. We never got complete answers surrounding Elain and Lucien (and he fell to the background a bit as it makes sense for him not to be as involved in Nesta's journey) and now there's newer unanswered questions surrounding Az and Elain and Az and Gwyn.

People forget though, Lucien had a POV well before Az ever did. Feyre has slipped into his mind twice and we got quite a lot in terms of his feelings; things he's struggling with from his past, the pull of the unanswered mating bond, his strained relationship with his family, the fact that he's upset over losing yet another home. Not to mention we know Helion being revealed as his father is still a major plot point to happen.

SJM has created just as much, if not more, intrigue and storylines surrounding Lucien's character as she has Az. Way more than she even built Cassian up for (and Cassian was given a POV). So I would be shocked if Lucien didn't get one of his own.

Again, we as readers tend to be captivated by the bright shiny mystery that's right in front of our faces at any given time. If we don't get answers to past questions, we move on to the next thing because waiting is mentally exhausting. Since Az played a big role in Nesta's story and was given a POV (not to mention the introduction of Gwyn who a good portion of the fandom want more of), that's what people are fixated on at the moment and we sometimes forget what came before that. But there are some who remember that Elain and Lucien have been waiting a very long time for their story to be told, who saw all the clues she placed for them way back when and even as recent as SF (she dropped hints that Lucien is showing signs that he might become a High Lord in Cassian's story!), where Lucien was given his own POV (in an atypical way but it was a POV nonetheless) and who SJM had spoken of years before she ever mentioned a thing about Az's story.