#and I fear I'm already missing a person a non-normal amount

[misskamelie]

*sigh* thinking of the Pascoli-Poe and Leopardi-Beethoven parallelisms. Munch fits somewhere in there, too

[sofreddie]

Fricking Free

Summary: After a close call, Dean decides it's time to settle down into a normal life.

Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam x Eileen, Miracle (the beautiful floofy pupperz)

Warnings: 15x20 AU, Injury to Dean (but no death), Angst, Fluff, Pregnancy

Word Count: 2,239

A/N: A part 3 or epilogue of sorts to the Dog-Gone Witches and Pesky Portals mini-series. I combined them into one list since it's all connected.

Sam hissed as he pulled Dean's body off the pole of rebar that had impaled him, gently laying him on the floor of the barn. The wound was really bad. The rebar narrowly missed his spine and heart, but he was sure it broke through at least one rib and punctured his lung.

He knew he'd have to get his brother to a hospital immediately if he had any chance of saving him. With his last bit of strength, he hoisted Dean into his arms and hurried to the Impala.

Laying Dean across the backseat, Sam rummaged in his pocket for the keys before shutting the door on his brother and hopping in the driver's seat.

Dust kicked up as he sped off towards the nearest hospital. He kept glancing in the rearview mirror to keep an eye on Dean. He looked like he was passing out.

Other than subconsciously praying that his brother would be alright, only one other thought rang through his mind.

Y/N was going to kick both their asses.

Y/N parked the antique truck in the large parking lot of the hospital. Sam called her as soon as he got Dean to the hospital. She immediately took off to meet them, several hours away.

Sam shot up from the waiting seats in the hall outside Dean's room as soon as he saw her enter. He stood and waited for the yelling, but she rushed to him and crashed into his chest, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He was surprised, but grateful, as he understood her fear.

"He's in here," Sam said as he pulled from the hug and led her into the room. She walked through the door and her eyes landed on Dean in the bed. He was covered in bruises and bandages and so many things.

Her breath caught in her throat and she choked back a sob.

"Hey," Dean croaked with a small smile.

"You could've died," she blurted out in a whisper. She took several steps closer to him, speaking louder not but not quite yelling, "You almost died."

"I know," Dean rasped, "But I'm okay-"

She raised a hand to silence him, "I did not travel across the universe for you to turn around and die on a hunt Dean Winchester," she chastised, "You saved the world countless times. You've replaced God. You're frickin' free!" she huffed, "So be free Dean, with me. please," she begged, carefully taking one of his hands in her, tears streaming down her face.

"I can't handle seeing you like this. I can't handle not knowing if you're coming back. Please, please," she sobbed, dropping her head to his chest and holding him as carefully as she could.

Dean carefully draped an arm over her back, holding her to him as she cried. It broke his heart to see her like this. She didn't know, but Sam had had a similar conversation with him when he woke up.

He glanced at Sam then over Y/N's shoulder. His brother gave him an 'I told you so' look and Dean minutely nodded, looking back at Y/N.

"Okay," he said, brushing her hair back and looking into her eyes, "You're right."

He may never feel like he could completely quit hunting. But he trusted them and they both said he should. So he'd try. She was right. She was here, with him. After he had missed her so much.

It would be dumb to throw that all away. He almost died on that hunt. He swore to himself to never do that to her again.

Sam drove Dean and the Impala back to the Bunker, Y/N following behind in the truck. She was angry, hurt, scared. Sam hoped the drive back might give her time to calm down.

Dean was certain she didn't believe him and was gonna leave him. They all do eventually.

When they finally parked in the Bunker's garage, Dean was surprised to see Y/N there, helping him out of the car and offering to help him to their room.

Sam followed behind with their bags, ready to help if Dean seemed to falter. But he and Y/N seemed to make it to their room just fine. Sam set their things inside and helped Y/N get Dean settled onto the bed.

He still had a long way to go to heal. They were back to doing things old school. Just another reason not to take so many risks. This hunt made Sam realize that any day could be the last now. For real.

It was sobering. It made him want to seek out all the things he couldn't before because of the life, because of Chuck. He wanted that for Dean too.

Y/N sat on the bed next to Dean, taking his hand and Sam smiled.

"I'll just leave you two to it," Sam said, going for the door.

"Hey Sam," Y/N said, turning to look at him, "Thank you for your help, and for keeping him alive."

Sam grinned and nodded, "Always."

Y/N smiled then turned back to Dean once the door was closed, "You're gonna be laid up for a while," she sighed.

Dean swallowed hard, "Are you gonna leave?" he asked in such a small voice it surprised her, "Are you gonna go back home?"

She stared at him as if he'd grown a second head, "I am home," she responded, "I'm not going anywhere, Dean. But I am not above nagging and a little shoving and smacking if you put me through this again. I'd kick your ass now but looks like someone else did me the favor."

Dean laughed, taking in her playful smile. She called this home. She was staying.

"Now, do you want food or do you want to get comfy and watch some mind-numbing entertainment?"

"Pizza and Netflix in bed with you sounds fucking perfect," Dean groaned, letting his head drop back against the headboard with a lazy grin.

"On it, Babe," she responded, pecking his lips. Dean drew her back to him, reigniting the chaste kiss and deepening it. She pulled from the kiss and giggled, "Oh, no stud. You're out of commission for the time being," she patted his chest and he groaned once more, before taking off to set up for their relaxing evening.

Dean actually enjoyed the break he got while healing. Spending time with Y/N was just like back at her farmhouse. Except he was practically an invalid for weeks, Sam and Y/N having to help him with everything.

Now that he was healed, he was restless. He promised he wouldn't hunt, and he knew Y/N was still wary that he could or would even keep that promise. But he was determined.

Instead, he started picking up odd jobs around town: handyman, car repair, lawn maintenance. Whatever people needed, Dean offered a hand and started making a decent amount of money.

That's when the idea struck him.

If he could make and save enough money, maybe he could find a small home in the area. Maybe even a little farmhouse on the outskirts of town. Y/N would love that.

Suddenly, the apple pie life seemed attainable, tangible. So he turned to Sam for help with his plan. Sam was completely on board and started making all sorts of suggestions on how they could make the money: side jobs, part-time gigs, hustling, and selling a few non-dangerous artifacts from the Bunker.

Sam was certain they could make enough for Dean and Y/N, and for him and Eileen. Dean was over-the-moon when Sam told him he and Eileen wanted a home and to start a life.

Everything finally seemed to be falling into place.

Dean found Y/N in their room, folding and putting away laundry. He smiled at her, always loving the small moments of domesticity. They were new and refreshing and he didn't want to take any of it for granted.

"Hey, Babe," Dean caught her attention. coming up behind her and grabbing her by the waist as he placed a kiss on her cheek, "Can we talk for a minute?"

Y/N stopped what she was doing, turning to Dean with trepidation. She knew Dean wasn't a big talker. She nodded, giving him her full attention. He sat her on the edge of the bed and joined her.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking since that last hunt. You're right. It's time I left the life behind. It's time I focused on our future."

"Dean-" she interrupted, feeling incredibly guilty, "I'm sorry I said what I said. I know you hunt. I know that-"

He raised a hand silencing her, "I want to. I want a life with you."

She smiled brightly, leaning in and kissing him deeply with relief. Maybe they could have a simple, domestic, safe life.

"Rise and shine, Sweet Thing," Dean said as he swiftly pulled back the covers, revealing Y/N. She groaned as she wiped her mess of hair from her face to glare at him with barely open eyes.

Dean chuckled and pecked her lips before handing her a mug of coffee and sitting beside her on the bed.

"Why are you so chiper so early?" she groaned, "I thought that was Sam's thing."

He laughed again, "Well, I'm in a good mood and I'm really excited."

She raised a curious brow at him, taking a hefty gulp of her coffee to help her mind, "What's going on?"

"Get up and you'll see," Dean said, getting up from the bed and beginning to go through the closet and dresser, pulling out clothes for her. She decided arguing with this crazy person wouldn't get her anywhere, so she just went along with it.

Whatever it was, at least it made him smile so brightly. That tugged on her heart strings a bit.

She took turns getting dressed and gulping her coffee, trying to move as swiftly as her body would allow. Dean was practically vibrating in place, like a kid ready to go to Disneyland.

An hour later and she understood why.

Dean stopped the car at the end of the long driveway - practically a private road - to the charming yet dilapidated farmhouse in front of her. She climbed out of the car, her eyes taking in the property around her.

It reminded her of her own farmhouse in a way. Or it would if it wasn't so rundown and overgrown. That didn't deter her though. She wouldn't shy from a fixer-upper. Hell, her home was one too.

"I bought it," Dean said, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her middle. He rested his chin on her shoulder as they both looked over the house and property.

There was plenty of land. She could already pick out a few good spots for a garden. The property was surrounded by woods too, so there was a sense of privacy and quiet.

"I figured we could fix it up together," He said as he took her by the hand and led her inside, showing her around and telling her all the ideas he had for the place. Her face hurt she was smiling so hard so long, "Sam said he'd come by and help too."

"He's not coming with us?" she asked, wondering why Dean would leave his brother behind.

"He bought a house too," he grinned, "For him and Eileen. It's in town."

"Wow," she huffed a laugh, "So you really were serious. About leaving it behind? Building a life with me?"

"Yes. We can be happy here."

She looked around once more before settling on him again and smiling brightly, "I think we can," she agreed.

Y/N groaned as she placed the bowl on the floor, petting Miracle on the head with a smile. She stood up straight, a hand on her lower back for support, the other on her large belly.

She perked up, hearing a car pull up the drive outside. She opened the front door and went down on the porch, smiling in greeting at Sam and Eileen as they exited the car.

Sam reached her first, giving her a hug and kiss on the cheek. He rubbed a hand over her belly in greeting to the baby, before stepping aside for the women to hug and coo. They laughed, barely able to hug each other as their matching protruding bellies got in the way.

"Dean in the garage?" Sam asked and Y/N nodded with a roll of her eyes.

"Is he ever anywhere else?" she joked. She ushered Eileen inside, Miracle happily greeting them both.

Sam made his way to the garage. It was a large barn previously, but he and Dean had converted it. Sam smiled at the sign above the entrance: Family Business Auto Repair & Restorations.

With Baby and a few cars from the Men of Letters Bunker, Dean was able to showcase his skills locally - and eventually regionally - which allowed him to really take off with cars professionally. He always thought about it, but never thought it could be a reality.

After a quick hug and greeting, the brothers made their way back to the house. The four of them tried to have dinner together at least once a week.

The brothers stopped in the trek, spying the women sat on the porch chairs, sipping at lemonade. A pitcher and additional glasses sat waiting. Dean smiled at his brother.

"Living the dream."

Forevers:

@sis-tafics

@lyarr24

@calaofnoldor

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

Dean Winchester:

@akshi8278

@jerkbitchidjitassbutt

[seonghwa-is-babie]

Protective pup

Y/n And yunho haven't gotten the best response to coming out, getting a lot of hate from antis, unfortunately, y/n got a bit more than just online hate, all because he looked too scary and intimidating with his height and tattoos

Yunho x male reader

Warning: slight angst (cursing, bruises, crying)

Note: sorry if this made u cry ;-;, and that the ending's a bit awkward

Today was a wreck for y/n, ever since he and his boyfriend, Yunho came out as a couple, he's been getting a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans. y/n tried to stay strong in front of him, but in reality he didn't know how much hate he could handle anymore, since it was escalating to physical harassment

It wasn't uncommon for him to come home with bruises, but he did his best to hide them from yunho, he was already stressed with their comeback being right around the corner

Today was another one of those days where he got beat up for being in a relationship with their 'oppar'

🐶

Once he got home he expected to be welcomed by his boyfriend, Yunho, with open arms, but he wasn't home at the moment, so y/n decided to text him

________________________________________

you: baby why aren't you home? I thought you were done by now?

Yunho🐶❤️: They're making us practise a bit longer for our comeback

you: When are you coming home then? I miss you...

Yunho🐶❤️: We're almost done, don't worry :)

Yunho🐶❤️: love you😘😘❤️

_______________________________________

Deciding he had enough time left to hopefully cover up the wounds, he went to the bathroom to get some bandages for the cuts, and foundations for the bruises

🐶

After bandaging up his arms and putting on a decent amount of makeup to cover up the bruises

He turned off his phone, hoping to not see anymore notifications from comments under anything he posts "maybe he is better off without me, or he can find someone else who's so much better than me, who isn't hated" as he started to think, he couldn't help but cry from it, falling asleep after the crying had tired him out.

At practice🐶

"alright from the top guys, five six seven eight" they went over their choreography once again "yunho your footing's wrong, you're supposed to go like this" the instructor demonstrated "sorry sir, I won't do it again" they repeated it, only for him to do another part wrong, repeating this problem until the members decided to address it

"yunho, you've been a bit out of rhythm since our break, is everything okay?" seonghwa asked concerned "I don't know hyung, maybe cause of..."

San looked at him confused "cause of what, Yunho?" he looked down "y/n sent a text asking why I wasn't at home and after I explained why, I don't know why, but his reply seemed so sad, he didn't even say I love you back, and I think I know why" the older didn't fully understand

"well, why do you think he's sad?" yunho looked down "I think it might be because of the hate we've been getting for coming out, I've deleted all social media of off my phone, but I don't know if he did it as well."

"yunho, maybe you should go home to check on him" Hongjoong said, concerned for the yunho's boyfriend, he knew him quite well and knew that despite his intimidating exterior, he was a gentle soul "but what about practice?"

wooyoung pushed him towards the door "that's not important right now, what is, is that you go home and check up on your boyfriend"

🐶

"I'm home" yunho said, expecting a hug and a kiss from his boyfriend, but all he saw was an empty living room, like he had feared "maybe he went to bed already? That's strange, normally he waits for me to get back" he went up the stairs to their shared bedroom, hoping to find the other there

To his surprise, he did, though he was already asleep, so he tried his best not to wake his lover up, sadly he did wake up because y/n was a pretty light sleeper

"Yunho?" he turned around to face his lover, he smiled "hey, I'm home, I missed you" he went closer to his lover, only then noticing the tear stains and the slightly red eyes "why did you cry? Did something happen?" he hoped to deer God that it wasn't the hate, but just a bad day at work

"i'm fine, don't worry about it" he tried grabbing yunho's arm to stop him from further inspecting his body, but that backfired as the sleeve came up and exposed the bandages, which yunho obviously saw

"oh my gosh! What did you do? Did someone hurt you?" tears started to slip from y/n's eyes and he turned over to his back "babe please, I'm worried about you" y/n turned back to yunho, the years exposing his makeup "hold on one minute, please"

He came back with a a few makeup wipes "may I?" y/n decided to no longer hide what people were doing to him and nodded. As yunho started gently wiping off the makeup, his face contorted into one of shock "how'd that happen, honey?"

"....Your fans, they've been harassing me on and off social media, on it, they always say I don't D-deserve you, that I-I'm a heartless ass hole who doesn't know how to properly care for you. But off...... Yunho.... I'm not sure if you know how much it hurts not only physically, but mentally as well. I've tried to stay strong, but I don't know how much longer I can take it"

at this point he was sobbing, something Yunho had never seen before. He sat next to his slightly taller boyfriend and rubbed the others back "I-I didn't know it go that bad..... I didn't think they would go that far. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you sooner" both began to cry in each others arms

🐶

"I promise you I will do something about this, I hate to see you go through so much pain" yunho said, sitting in y/n's lap "maybe we could do something together?" the younger nodded, before getting up from the older's lap and grabbing his phone, texting someone "who're you texting?" yunho made room for y/n to look over his shoulder

"just my manager to ask him if I can do a V-live to address what's going on" the older tensed up "are you sure that's a good idea?" the younger nodded "we don't have to if you don't feel comfortable with it" y/n thought about it

"I don't want you to do this alone, but I don't know if I can face the camera right now" Yunho tried to think of something they could do "how about...... You lay your head on my lap facing away from the camera, that way, you'll still be there with me, but don't have to see any negative comments" y/n nodded

🐶

Yunho got his phone positioned where they could see both him and y/n and waited until enough people joined in "hey guys.... This isn't going to be a happy vlive today, instead I want to address something that's been a problem lately" he could already see some hate comments on screen "ever since I came out with my boyfriend, we've been getting a lot of hate, me getting only a bit of what y/n has been going through, I normally trust you guys and love you all, but harassing y/n for being together with me is just wrong"

"but oppar he isn't right for uuuu"

"we love a protective bf, preach🏳️‍🌈"

"not our fault you're both filthy homosexuals😒"

"hope u guys still know there's fans out there who support you two, we love you💙💙💙"

"but he doesn't treat u right unlike I would"

"for the people who think y/n doesn't treat me right because of how he looks, he's the sweetest guy I could've asked for, he knows what I like and dislike, how to cheer me up. Why can't you guys see that, is all you guys see a tall scary man with tattoos, or the sweet, loving person laying beside me"

y/n started to cry again and buried his face into yunho's thighs, Yunho brought him up to comfort him, y/n still facing away from the camera "it's okay, it's gonna be fine, we're gonna sort this out alright?" the youngest went to wipe his tears, the older leaning into those touches from him

"guys, you should stop... Look how much we're hurting him and y/n"

"oppar he'll just use you"

"look at how much they care about each other, how could you hate them?🥺🥺🥺🥺"

"guys please, I can't stand seeing him this unhappy and sad, seeing him with so many bruises and cuts, and him not even being able to face the camera because of you guys. This has to stop, or we will have to take drastic measures in order to keep ourselves save" y/n looked at his boyfriend, a bit scared but also relieved that this might just be a solution to their problem

"yunho, are you sure this is what we should do?" he asked, still unsure of what to do "I know many fans probably won't like it, but this is what I have to do if I want to keep you and myself safe" he took in a deep breath before looking back towards his phone "we will be deleting our social media from our phones, and if we catch any of you harassing me or y/n, you will be blacklisted and will get a restraining order from us" he ended the live

🐶

"are you okay baby?" y/n asked yunho  "no, I just-" he began to cry "I just can't believe that they would do so many awful things just because we're together" the older pulled him closer "I guess that's the harsh reality of idol life, because of the way you're supposed to act towards fans, it gives them a false sense of hope. I wish things were different, but sadly we can't change it, not in one day that is. This stuff is going to take time for people to accept, but i'm sure that when some more time has passed, people will accept it, as there will be more like us in the future"

"how can you be so sure of it? Maybe people will start to resent it even more" he looked up at y/n "I don't know what the future holds, but I do know we can influence it, you're a role model for people, if they see from you that it's okay, I'm sure many people will follow"

they stayed in each other's arms, eventually falling asleep, but not before saying one last thing to each other "I love you yunho, with all my heart, and I hope our country will allow us to be together till the end" yunho snuggled closer to y/n "you mean like getting married and stuff? I'd love to get married to you, and I hope we can in the future too"

They shared a quick peck before cuddling up once more and going to sleep for the night

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I Will Choose You Every Day

Making choices has never been my strong suit

Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that

The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else

I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me

And often I'm striving to please the wrong people

In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically

When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction

I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of

Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme

I became selfish

And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way

But loving you has brought me back to balance

For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves

As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what

And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me

I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far

You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you

It's something real that you choose to work at every day

If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would

I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no

I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you

I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth

The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic

The truth you've never been afraid to share with me

I'm choosing to share it with you now

Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter

(Well actually even before that)

From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome

You had a smile that lit up the whole room

And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear

I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away

You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom

You came right up without any hesitation

Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me

I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away

I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to

I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous

So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was

It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that

But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people

I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you

Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways

You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days

I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you

And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face

Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch

When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while

I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me

A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)

For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning

I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you

I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you

I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you

I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time

I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place

When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough

Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety

But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me

Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me

The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much

Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you

On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad

When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm

I trusted you so much even as acquaintances

Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive

The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to

I hated saying goodbye to you that night

I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you

I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)

I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you

And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be

Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend

As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal

But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening

We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world

From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation

I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning

I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything

TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything

You were my best friend

Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more

I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party

I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you

I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you

I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming

My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house

On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away

Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you

You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie

You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away

You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life

You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day

We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter

As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget

We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives

You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"

Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness

I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal

Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare

I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend

When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home

You could have chosen to ask me to leave

But instead to invited me in and I said yes

We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you

I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder

I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation

Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison

You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy

It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together

I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins

I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax

I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real

I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head

All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him

I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me

I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish

I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you

When you got back I knew things were different between us

You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant

I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice

But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over

Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me

I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you

As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you

You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before

You kissed me without stopping

I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life

But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this

I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry

I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week

The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me

You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with

I knew that would be our night

I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no

I knew you'd make a move

I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed

With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter

You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you

I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose

My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you

I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever

With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him

I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings

I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound

I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you

I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together

I spent every night with you over winter break

But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip

I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you

I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner

I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back

Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day

I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry

Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home

For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true

I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me

I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights

There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it

You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you

I was being selfish

That was a rock bottom for me

I knew I had to change

I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives

I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you

I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse

I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy

I'm done being selfish

I'm choosing you always

I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely

And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you

I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it

I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life

I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so

I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always

I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings

I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions

Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked

And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now

I love you more than anything Bryan

I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️

[serak-sarak-meta-sarahk]

Things are surely actually better than the media explains it. These small outside things and rememberences for 2022 are proving that things are actually outside better than the media.

But then again I felt like I felt the media making me fearful and not wanting that for people but still enjoyed my solo time in college at the places i chose to work so my job seemed fair wage. So much that I was relieved to be more concerned with explaining how i was helping JJ not be the way he was than with my solo personal time.

And that's where things were fishy buy I had ideas for him job wise that might be less psychopathic or eye opening to what the laws actually are for him if he accepts my job options I personally have

The media people seem less bad than him so life doesn't feel like opptession plus UT is actually really cool once I got the mental health seminars to start the year. Early on ice accepted non anger towards UT rumored to be nuscansy things like buying books at the coop or the main direct resell store prices and I find this Gender Slavery amd Freedom class by my junior year that looks more over Leadership ethics and animals what I'm looking for to tame my own racism or what I can start knowing of the topic to be the opposite side of racism actually

Now I feel like less of a failure at my new school as well finally finding this class for the amount of white priviledge people say i have for leaving a sport not within my lineal who wanted me to be able to grow my hair out all along and getting to go to school at that level still without sports. As in my pro hair growth lineal and thommy were unconcerned at my transfer snd even strangers on the street complimenting me saying I must be ready to he allowed to focus on school.

Then the small crowd but SCREAMING I'm ungrateful for leaving sports or the NCAA or the idea of it at all in the first place. I mean but long time people that I assumed trustworthy fans I could scf3pt compliment from are saying good luck and congrats with fashion and they think that UT and the blog start even was good to show I had to plans to try to study cut waste fashion in the place of sports instead before I even made the decision to stop. The normal people I thought were actual diving supporters, then, had those kind of comments about it. The, "well miss you but this seems like a good step. And you've shown you'll study fashion in the place of sports time so you already have a sports time like option to fill the time as your leaving the sport." But then again those were always the people whose good or critical type comments I just accepted as fine or banter intended at that level on the deck in the sport and positively just didn't ignore as comments to actually get better. They were more making the neutral exit fine comments.

[littlefoxruns]

Hey! I just found your post on how going hclf vegan made you really restrictive. I think I'm struggling with the same thing and I really need to snap out of it. I really love being vegan, but not letting myself have oil or anything remotely processed or slightly high in fat is making both me and my family very upset. Cold you pass on any tips on how you recovered from this? I'd really appreciate the help :'( thank you lovely xxx

Ahhhh I'm so sorry I never answered this!!! I want to start by saying that recovery is different for everyone and so different things may work for you, and I would also advise you to talk to someone if you are struggling! For me a few different things worked(though it is still a work in progress)First I would say get rid of all temptation from your life. Anyone you follow on instagram, tumblr, YouTube etc who promotes fat restriction, unfollow them and stop subconsciously getting "inspo" from them. If there are any pages, websites, books literally ANYTHING that makes you want to restrict your diet in a way, cold turkey eliminate it from your social media feed and life. For me I try to avoid things like "fat free", "oil free", "hclf", or wslf. Then go through and find people who promote a healthier, more balanced way of eating and follow them instead, start looking to that as inspiration!Secondly, educate yourself. For me this came by starting to study nutrition and anatomy at school, but it can be as easy as looking online at certified dietetic/nutrition websites/books(written by someone with a DEGREE). Once you have the facts it's pretty clear that not only is a super low fat diet not the healthiest, it can actually be unhealthy in quite a few ways. Once I knew the nutritional benefit it was much easier for me to add these foods back in because I could view them as a healthy option.Thirdly, challenge yourself. You're never going to get better if you don't try and push yourself mentally, even though it can be scary and hard. For me it was very gradual and there are still Foods that are "scary" but I have gotten back to a healthy place. I would say start with one meal a day where you add in a whole fat or cook with a bit of oil. If it's hard for you to handle that, ask someone else to cook it for you, that way you can't obsess over the amounts and can see how a person in a normal mindset would approach their food choices. I would also suggest eating with others, I am much more inclined to overcome my fears with foods if I have a bit of social pressure. Add in fats that you like and maybe miss, or that add a nice taste/texture to what you would already make.One of the last things that really helped me is that when I started adding in a bit more fat I actually started feeling a lot better after meals. My digestion cleared up a bit and I was less bloated throughout the day which made me feel better about myself and more inclined to keep eating this way. Also as a student and athlete fats added more substance to my meals and help me stay fuller longer which I need throughout the day. A final tip is that when you go to the grocery store stop looking at the fat content on the nutritional label, and stop buying foods labeled as "low fat" or "non fat". Buy the full fat peanut butter or the really good looking guac because let's be real it tastes ten times better and it's usually less processed which is better for your body!I hope this helps, if you or anybody has other questions on this I would be happy to answer!!!