#and I had to pull myself away so she wouldn't leave me behind
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#literally cannot stop thinking about my grandpa's face the last time i saw him alive#dementia and confusion but he recognized me and was smiling and holding my arm#and my mom was so done with being there#she was literally at the doorway while I was there with his arm still on me#and I had to pull myself away so she wouldn't leave me behind#I thought I was okay with it back then because I was able to be around generally#but now that moment is on repeat and I can't make it stop#I can't help but see his face I can't help but feel his grip on my arm#and I can't help but feel that invisible pull from my mom.. already leaving the room after being there for only 5 minutes#she tells the story all the time.. she had already knelt by his bedside and told him it was okay for him to die#that she'd be okay#but i think of that moment a few days later when we were there and she was leaving and I just followed. like a dog. like an object.#i couldn't say anything I just gently pulled my arm away from him#i cant help but think it was selfish I cant help but see his face#selfish. selfish. selfish. like a dog. like a puppy who wanted food.#like id never be able to get it anywhere else if i didnt follow her out of the room#like I could only consider her but he was looking at me#he was looking at me and then he was dead two days later#and I did want to stay but I couldn't.. my mom wanted to go so I had to go too#I couldn't even say anything#I always bend to her will.. god sometimes i just feel rotten#personal
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