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#and my mom was so done with being there
tidepoolalgae · 5 months
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#literally cannot stop thinking about my grandpa's face the last time i saw him alive#dementia and confusion but he recognized me and was smiling and holding my arm#and my mom was so done with being there#she was literally at the doorway while I was there with his arm still on me#and I had to pull myself away so she wouldn't leave me behind#I thought I was okay with it back then because I was able to be around generally#but now that moment is on repeat and I can't make it stop#I can't help but see his face I can't help but feel his grip on my arm#and I can't help but feel that invisible pull from my mom.. already leaving the room after being there for only 5 minutes#she tells the story all the time.. she had already knelt by his bedside and told him it was okay for him to die#that she'd be okay#but i think of that moment a few days later when we were there and she was leaving and I just followed. like a dog. like an object.#i couldn't say anything I just gently pulled my arm away from him#i cant help but think it was selfish I cant help but see his face#selfish. selfish. selfish. like a dog. like a puppy who wanted food.#like id never be able to get it anywhere else if i didnt follow her out of the room#like I could only consider her but he was looking at me#he was looking at me and then he was dead two days later#and I did want to stay but I couldn't.. my mom wanted to go so I had to go too#I couldn't even say anything#I always bend to her will.. god sometimes i just feel rotten#personal
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stuckinapril · 6 months
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Proud to say I’m at a place where I’m very ambitious w my goals, but still very content w where I currently am. No matter my financial or academic or just any personal aspirations at all, I’m so in love w my life as it is and realize that it will be no objectively better when I do attain all the tangible things I want to attain. Legitimately so happy to just be here, surrounded by love and books and privileged to be studying and gaining knowledge. At the end of the day this really is all that matters to me. And this is a feeling no amount of money can buy
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sekaiikun · 1 year
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cassandra swift, to me, is a single hot asian mom who looks 10 years younger than she is and sometimes people think that she's taylor's sister
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imaybe5tupid · 27 days
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Izutsumi, Maizuru, and Toshiro’s mom based on the tags of this post by @alphaketoglutaricacid
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my goal as a jew is to take less shit and stop wasting time on people who will never care and more importantly making the world a better place for other jews. im done with giving so many chances to people who will never change and id rather spend that energy spreading love to the other members of this tribe <3
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I do not think evangelizing on the double standard of women being expected to wear makeup everyday to grown women is actually productive or respectful (provided they are not judging me for not wearing makeup), we can all make our own decisions on how to walk through this world, however, it is true that whenever a woman in my daily life equates making themselves decent and presentable with having a coat of natural makeup on, I do have to viscerally repress the urge to shake them by the shoulders and scream that they've been had.
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shima-draws · 5 days
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Been having a rough couple of days. Send me asks?
#Long story short: I’m quitting my job! Yippee!! 🎉#Don’t wanna get TOO into it but I’m so fucking tired of being treated like shit and getting blamed for things completely out of my control#I’m done. I’ve BEEN done for months at this point#And now it’s at the point where my boss doesn’t think I’m doing my job right bc she keeps finding issues that again. Aren’t my fault#I’m sorry I can’t control everything for you! I don’t have that kind of power! I can’t make things magically happen the way you want!!#My other coworkers have been undergoing the same bullshit treatment so I know I’m not alone#But yeah I’m getting the hell out of dodge. My mental health has been sooooooo bad lately#I cannae. I’m going to end up dead in a ditch at this rate#Had the WORST panic attack of my life yesterday and my mom and I were both like. Yeah. It’s time for you to leave#Have fun running the department without me! Bye!! :)))))#Shima speaks#Vent#Anyway I’m a goddamn mess. Sorry. Lol!#I’m dreading going back to work on Monday I would literally rather claw my own eyeballs out#It SUCKS bc I know none of this is my fault but I still feel like shit anyway.#And I WANT to draw bc it’s the one thing that makes me happy but I just#Can’t. Right now. I’m not in a good emotional state#It feels like physical torture to sit down at my desk and put my pen to my tablet#Slams my head into the wall#I’m soooo tired girlies. I’m so over it#Anyway. Send me asks. Keep me company while I try not to have another breakdown. Tee hee <3
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todayisafridaynight · 20 days
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sometimes i get nishiki i really do
#snap chats#like from an outsider perspective it is utterly hilarious watching everything go wrong for him#BUT GIRL NOT ME STOP HAVING THIGNS GO WRONG FOR MEEEEEE WHAT IS ALL THIS#this month its actually one thing after another if i start wearing white everyone needs to be concerned#you guys remember my bullshit roommates yeah well TLDR im getting fined for their messes im going to SCREAM#I HATE IT HEERRRREEE I KNOW IM EVIL BUT CMON#literally had such a silly night last night and now everything sucks again is this life is this what life is#its not its not what life is im just hearing my mom bitching in the other room and im letting her vibes ruin mine#everything going to be ok this is just a hiccup .... a small pinprick in the tapestry of life ....#i am incredibly annoyed though cause this is one of those situations where youve done nothing wrong but youre being shot for it#its just unfair but whatever we ball ..... im putting the hair gel away guys im not slicking my hair back just yet ....#i got a new friend last night so maybe ill just hang with them later and ill remember life is beautiful ..#heh ... jk ... i can remind myself life is beautiful right now ... im gonna go eat some tiramisu ...#jesus christ i really do love italian food what the fuck. pasta / calamari / tiramisu#i dont think calamari is italian but i got it from an italian place w/e we get the picture#its not my fault that italy has good food ... i would just never go there .....#ok bye ima go eat and drink water now. water will remind me how beautiful life is ...
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I’d love to hear your thoughts on what Eldritch peredhel entail
-@@outofangband
Sorry this took so long @outofangband and thank you for asking this I am! Delighted! And am preemptively putting a read more down because I cannot shut up about they <3
alright I'm just gonna put stuff and headcanons down as they occur to me so expect low-moderate levels of coherency
shapeshifting is an obvious one (gets weaker down the generations) but because my brain is Like This I have caveats!
thanks to my whole peredhil things=gender allegory that my brain spit out without my permission I've long struggled against my inherent feeling that while they can shapeshift they don't like it
but because I'm now aware of my brain's reasoning I can say it's because of ✨fantasy dysphoria✨
that's oversimplifying, obviously, but peredhil already have so much issues with working through who and what they are and compromising between body and mind and spirit that actively choosing to change into/present as something/someone who They Are Not is. Not usually their cup of tea.
As a whole they tend to have specific forms that they prefer as being closer to themselves, and distinct enough that it doesn't feel like they're faking something they're not
(changing to look like a different person, or a edited version of themself is Very Very not fun unless either explicitly for disguise or shenanigans)
(the exception to this is that Luthien can make herself look almost perfectly human without any real issue. she doesn't do it often but especially as she ages she likes to catch glimpses of her reflection and get both excited and sappy. this is in contrast to making herself look almost perfectly like an elf which makes her feel like her skin is on fire.)
(Also I'm pretty sure all of them can flip their agab presentation while only feeling varying degrees of off, and even then it's a different feeling than the shapeshifting dysphoria. Dior and Elwing are the two who I think mind it the most)
They all have the (agonizing to write) trait of feeling very distinct relationships to their species in their body vs soul/mind vs spirit/fea and they all feel it very differently! This isn't exclusive to Luthien's line but the maia blood does make it worse.
Oh! This is a new headcanon of mine actually but!
They all have faces that are very very hard to capture in image. They are the bane of portrait artists (and, to a degree, sculptors) everywhere because the art never looks accurate to life
It's not blatantly off it's just. missing something? Or something was added? maybe it's a little too wide, or narrow, or long, or short, in one place or another
It's not unrecognizable but if you've ever seen the subject in real life you can just tell
It's especially bad with Luthien (and Daeron) and Dior (to a lesser extent) because everyone literally sees them differently, as in their features will be slightly different depending on what each person finds attractive/aesthetically appealing and beautiful
(not a lot, again, it's not unrecognizable, but there has never and will never be any accurate depiction of Luthien as she was as a person)
(as a concept, though, as the most beautiful creature to have ever existed in Arda, a little of her image exists in every portrait lovingly made of a beloved spouse, every child's drawing of their family, in biological sketches of songbirds and field mice, in a sculpture of a stranger's face. Daeron remembers his sister perfectly, but he collects these regardless)
(Arwen, Luthien come again, isn't described as such by her grandparents. Galadriel and Celeborn both knew Luthien, and while Arwen and her father both look as closely to her as genetically possible, to those who actually know them both it's nothing more than uncanny family resemblance. Luthien was to most a concept personified, Arwen is a person with concepts imposed on her.)
The list of people who have seen Luthien how she actually, physically, defaultly is, essentially consists of Melian, Daeron, Beren, and Dior
Beren doesn't see her as she is right away because he doesn't know her right away, but they learn about each other and she shows herself and he sees her and by the time she rescues him from Tol-im-Gaurhoth there are no echoes on her face
(He's always a little bit haunted that he nearly died without realizing he'd never quite seen the truth of her before)
Neither Thingol or Beren can quite see their own features on their children's faces. They clearly take after their mothers, after all!
(This leads to much affectionate eye-rolling on Melian and Luthien's part)
Hair stuff!
It's alive! kinda! it's definitely not normal hair!
It moves a lot on its own. Sometimes like a breeze is blowing where there isn't one. Sometimes more like tentacles. It depends on its mood.
They've got some very pretty traditional cosmic horror vibes swirling around on their heads. It's very sparkly and colorful but in a Forbidden Shrimp Colors that your brain is unable to comprehend way so it reads as iridescent black mostly, or holographic white, where applicable
Luthien's hair actually is a glimpse into space, Daeron's is a glance at a star
(Luthien's magic hair cloak survives, I think, into the 4th age and beyond, though if anyone/anything has found it they certainly don't know the origins of the beautifully intricate living star map. It has seen the reign of countless north stars, yet the lines always point to the same coordinates- where the ancient, sunken, ruined remains of what once was Tol-im-Gaurhoth lay)
Speed round!
Fangs and talons and horns oh my! Are they tooth and keratin and bone, or are they petrified wood and gem and stone? Yes!
They all smell a little like ozone and a lot like petrichor, flowers, and Green. If you've smelled green you know what I'm talking about. Also, unfortunately, like bird. Birds don't smell great, especially wet bird.
Weird Foresight Powers++
(Most of them don't have actual foresight, but all of them are more in-tune with the Song than is natural for an incarnate)
Their eyes glow, most notably in the dark, unless the irises turn black as they sometimes do. They are also all unnaturally bright versions of the less-spooky parent's- Dior's are gold, Elwing's are blue-green like a tropical sea (Elured and Elurin split the color between them- ultramarine and emerald), Elrond and Elros have pale star-gold, Elladan, Elrohir, and Arwen all have silver.
(Daeron and Luthien being the exception again, because I decided they have Melian's eyes before I decided this, and I don't know what color eyes Thingol has. Watsonianly: Melian's spooky genes overwrite a lot. Luthien's genotype is probably much closer to his than her magically overwritten phenotype)
Their sclerae turn black and their pupils white, on occasion, usually when using powers
They don't bleed right. It's a little too red for an elf, a little too light for a human, and it shines strange as it beads like quicksilver on the skin
They have very shiny, cool skin. Luthien looked like her's was silver plate under a stretched stocking, the rest toned it down from there but it's still noticeable.
The Song is. Attached to them. They are all very much Main Characters. Their lives have a clear story arc with symbolism and narrative parallels. They are all subconsciously aware that their lives are a fairytale, whether tragic or no, and yes this has many Implications and affects. They are not the only ones like this, but they are the only ones who, to some level, know they are in a story.
This is the fundamental separation between them and everyone else.
The difference in how they perceive themselves between heart soul and spirit is very difficult to explain and understand, but not impossible to someone who knows them and is willing to put in the work.
The life-long knowledge that they are Important to the Song and their every choice and event they experience and their mere existence serves a greater purpose in a way that most other people simply do not- that's very, very isolating.
No one else can understand how they see the world. Very very few people are willing to try, and even fewer in a way that's not frustrating. There is a reason most of them find only one person to latch on to outside of their family, and a reason they hold on through hell and high water.
(This is about being neurodivergent)
#asks#outofangband#eldritch peredhil#gonna go into more detail about preferred shape forms here bc it's important to me but not relevant lol#luthien: nightingale/s (obviously) but also a starling and to a lesser extent various other birds- preference toward passerine and raptors#wolf and deer are both fine- wolf especially for snuggles- she can go bat and enjoy it but only after thuringwethil#(which is a whole thing for her to unpack)#dior: cat (male calico specifically) wolf and bat#and then a kingfisher starling nightingale red-crowned crane and a bird of prey (currently thinking maybe a swallow-tailed kite?)#e^2 1.0 don't actually have the same feeling towards shapeshifting bc of the whole consumed by doriath to become Entities thing#so they're closer to maiar vibes-wise than even luthien entirely was#elwing: starling beach mouse and then pretty much most seabirds#but on the whole Song's Specialist Little Guys thing#obviously its up to individual philosophy on if free will can exist in the face of Destiny#my opinion is yes but i think all of them have a different take#luthien thinks no but is happy/fine with this and thinks its very romantic. daeron also thinks no but is resigned and ultimately content.#neither of them understand the average person being deeply uncomfortable at the idea of the lack of free will#their mom is a maia this is just normal to them#dior thinks yes at first but flips around a lot through his life#its a pretty hard no post-death but when he gets reembodied he becomes deeply aware that he is No Longer Important but nothing changes so??#elwing thinks absolutely not and uses this to cope. she feels like she has so little agency already#at least if it's cosmic there's nothing she could've done#at least if it's cosmic her mistakes are worth something#(she needs so much therapy)#earendil is the only spouse who comes to fully understand this. he cant decide what he thinks. every option seems horrifying in its own way#elrond and elros both think yes and use this to cope. they can be better. they can make things better.#there may be a story but they can make it a happy one.#they're people and that has to count for something.
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threestripeslider · 1 year
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Splinter cutting up fruit and just wordlessly giving it to his sons as a snack without being asked as a silent sign of love and care can literally be so personal–
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it
#idk it's just all too much to deal w#i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish#i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months#like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk#i just dont know what to do or how to handle it#im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job#im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself#i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it#idk the list just goes on and on and on#nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help#i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all#im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc#i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable#i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city#anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :((#it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more.#so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk
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coolauntlilith · 10 months
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So I finally watched Sense8. I regret not watching it sooner for a couple reasons. But I'm so glad I finally watched it.
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Why are people assholes over things like Covid. Like.
You can't tell me what IS or ISNT happening where I live. Where I live, I'm serious, people don't get Covid anymore. We've all already had it. There hasn't been a Covid case in my county in weeks because we've built up immunity. It's only a pandemic if it's unheard-of and untreatable. This is like saying the flu is still a pandemic. Deadly diseases happen all the time. All you can do is get vaccinated (if you can do that healthily) and protect vulnerable groups. And that is the same set of rules as every single deadly disease ever.
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pianapplez · 1 year
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Been watching cunk on earth but I’ve also had pjo brainrot for the last 4 months so
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rosyredlipstick · 1 month
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hii i hope you’re doing alright !! Just wanted to know if you have any idea of when you’re going to publish the last far galaxies chapter !!! i love the fic and i can’t wait to read chapter 11 !! have a good day/night :)
thank you for reading!!!!! the answer is soon but not soon soon unfortunately this chapter is a BEAST like a BEAST of a BEAST and no matter how many words i write THERES STILL MORE A;SLJLSDHGLSHGQV
have a good day/night :) here are the first few hundred words <3
Hours later, after piling themselves back on the ship and cutting through space to the rendezvous point, they were back on the star base.
It felt like a true whirlwind, a few hours of action so packed he could hardly think and now somehow Nico found himself walking the same gray halls, up the same ramp, into the ship, into his empty room. The privacy panels were drawn, the room in near darkness. It was late in the night, not even Command at the ready. They’d meet first thing in the morning, a disgustingly early call time already on his schedule, something he’d have to be dragged out of bed to make.
For the time being, he was alone. Will had marched Thalia straight off to the medbay, hearing no arguments but enough complaints that Nico pitied him greatly. Jason and Piper went off to meet Annabeth wherever she was, and Leo was already setting himself on ship repairs, more than enough crafts lined up for him to choose from. Nico hadn’t felt the slightest bit of temptation to follow any of them.
Nico sat on the edge of the bed, his legs coming out from under him. Quite suddenly, he felt exhausted down to the bone. He felt like he could sleep for a month and still want a nap. 
He dropped his head into his hands. He thought of the look in Thalia’s eyes, the anguish. 
Nico had taken his eye off the ball. It was a fact. If he’d faced one delay in the trees, an extra few minutes spent somewhere else, Thalia would be dead. And it’d be what she wanted. The thought was enough to tighten his throat, painful. 
Things could have gone so differently. He could be standing somewhere completely different, a completely different person. 
Nico didn’t let himself think on it very long. He grabbed for his comm. It only took a few rings until there was a mechanical click, the line connecting.
“I messed up,” Nico muttered into the dark. “I don’t know what to do.” 
There was a pause. “Do you want me to come?” 
Nico swallowed, wholly unsure. He was just figuring out what to say, how to even respond to that, when -
“Send your coordinates,” Bianca decided in a second, crisp in his ear. “Let your leadership know, I’m bringing the Huntresses.” 
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opens-up-4-nobody · 4 months
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...
#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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