#and I meant to add /j or something so you would know I wasn’t actually mad

[saltairandtherust]

HAHAHA SOREY I changed my url and being satirical. I am so sorry I am subjecting you

no bestie I know! I’m so sorry I was making a joke, I’ve been in your ask box too today haha

[discount-shades]

Sleepy Baby Part 3

a/n: Well now there is a Part 3. 

Pairing: Jake “Hangman” Seresin / Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 800 ish

Summary: We find out the real reason Jake is called Hangman. 

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“There is something wrong with your phone number.” Jake was staring intently at the sheet of paper. All the lines for your number were still blank and the baby’s crib was almost drawn. 

“My number is perfect, and it only has three different digits,” you reply. 

Jake counted his guesses. “That doesn’t make any sense, I’ve guessed 8 numbers already!”

“Yeah but you guessed five twice.” You pointed to where you'd written the number down twice. “I wasn’t going to mention it.” Jake groaned and rubbed his face. You couldn’t help grinning at the pink that was spreading on his cheeks. “Is this performance anxiety because you are not playing Hangman?”

“No… maybe?” He sat up and looked back at the numbers. “I was guessing local area code numbers.” He explained. “You, Kisses, are not from around here.”

“Oooh, solid strategy.” You were impressed he had a strategy. You would have just guessed the numbers 0-9 in order. “It would have worked too if I didn’t move here six months ago.”

Jake quickly guesses the final three numbers and you fill them into the blank spaces. As soon as you had written the last number down he gently slid the paper out from under your hand. He took a picture on his phone of the paper and then entered your number into his contacts.

“You still don’t know my name,” you laugh at his eagerness. “What are you going to put as the contact?”

“Hugs and Kisses,” he shows you the contact where XOXOXO is written instead of your name. Your phone dings when he sends you a text. “Can I be Baby in your phone?” 

“Sleepy Baby.” You say firmly. You add his contact and send him a sleeping and a baby emoji. 

“Ready for my name?” you say pulling the paper back to you. “Are you going to go for the standard guess the vowels strategy or start guessing letters in common names from my age range, like Jessica, or Ashley?”

“J.” He says immediately. You add it to the wrong letters bank and add a bar to the crib. “I thought you were giving me a hint!” His outraged face makes you roll your eyes.

“I’m not going to give you hints,” you tell him. “But this baby will have ten fingers and ten toes before you leave if it has too.”

“This would go way faster if you gave me hints,” he is pouting and you find it adorable.

“I like to watch you struggle,” you tell him. “Next letter.”

“Z.”

“It’s like you don’t want to know my name.” 

…

Five minutes later you hear him say your name for the first time. You can't help the way your stomach flips and your heart beats faster at the sound of your name on his lips. “Hi Jake.” You reply and you can feel yourself blushing.

He had finally managed to uncover your name but the baby had ten fingers and two toes. “Do you actually let your niece win or are you just bad at hangman?” You ask him.

“Both.” He replies honestly. “Whenever I do figure it out I deliberately guess the wrong letters.”

“If you are so bad at hangman, why is that your name?”

“It’s a Navy thing.” he shrugs. “Call signs are meant to keep you humble.”

“Clearly it didn't work for you,” you raise your eyebrows at him and he just winks in response. 

There is a knock on the door and Eillen, your coworker, peeks in. “Your 3:00 Art Group starts in ten minutes.”

“Shit, I have to get the paint out!” you jump to your feet. Jake immediately offers to help and you lead him to the activity room and instruct him how you want the tempera paint poured into the trays. You get the brushes, water cups and paper out for the activity you had planned. 

When everything is set up you gently push Jake toward the door with your hand on his chest. “Thanks for helping me set up but you have to go before the kids get here.”

“I’m glad I found you.” His voice is soft and he is staring into your eyes the way he did the first night you met him. 

“Me too.” you duck your head and smile before looking back up.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” Excitement is shining in his green eyes.

“I could be persuaded.” He gives you his full smile and brings the hand that you have against his chest to his lips. He presses a gentle kiss on your knuckles and the butterflies are back.

“I'll call you tomorrow.” He promises as he walks away, pumping his fists in the air when he leaves the library. 

[kanmom51]

Jungkook 28 Feb 2023

*Disclaimer:  this post is written by an opinionated blogger that usually is not afraid to speak her own mind.  I say it now and I also repeat it throughout the post – these are MY opinions, my thoughts.  You can agree or disagree.  Just don’t be an ass about it!!

Cr./ to all the creators of the media used in this post.

28 Feb 2023 started out as a lovely quiet peaceful uneventful day.

Until it was no longer peaceful and uneventful, cause Mr. Chaos himself, a.k.a Jeon Jungkook, decided it’s time to liven things up.

28.2.2023 at 13:31 SKT Jeon Jungkook started a live.

*Anecdote time:

Just for a second here, before I go into the live, I would like to talk about the coincidental numbers playing here.  Yes, we have another coincidence.

From the date:

2+2+2+2=8

8+3=11

8/11

You can also go with:

2+2+2+2+3=11

And the extra 8, bringing you to the same place:

8/11

Oh, and the time: 13:31 – 2 thirteens, mirrored (well the numbers are).

So, yeah, again, one of those strange coincidences that kind of keep happening time and time again with those two.

Moving on to the live itself. 

This time it was on the shorter side, just under 30 minutes, JK letting us know in advance that it probably would be, as he had to leave for work soon. 

And yet, he decided to do the live cause he was bored (and even though he hasn’t washed up yet either, a piece of information he shares with us later on).

J-Hope and JM showed up at the start, in the comments, once again.  JK with his “oh, J-Hope” reaction and his special “JM’s here” one including his unmissable JM smile.

JM's last comment was Hyung is going to a shoot (filming), as in JM is.

And a special prize goes to JK's very special JM smile.

Now, I know there was a whole wave of (add annoying voice effect here): “JK asked JM and Hobi how they are doing” and “JK told them to be well”, followed by, of course: “boo to you, you lose, that means JK hasn’t seen either of them for a long time” and “clearly JK hasn’t seen JM for a while now, heh heh heh, we win”.  If only you could see my rolling eyes at this point.

So, as usual, idiots will be idiots, and of course they twist things up to suit whatever and whichever narrative they want at that moment in time (cause the narratives, they keep changing as well, like constantly). 

I will start by saying that even if that WAS the actual translation or WAS what JK was saying, then: SO WHAT?  In what world can we not ask our significant others how they are or tell them to be well during the day, even if we saw them off to work that very morning?  I mean in the actual living long term relationship world and not in the “we don’t have an idea about what a real relationship is and live in fantasy” world that is.

But you know what?  We didn’t even have to go there, to that real life relationship world.  Because JK, he wasn’t talking to JM and Hobi at that point. 

He was talking to bloody army.  Pity these ‘army’ didn’t realise JK was asking them how they are and to keep well.

So this is how it went down:

JK sees Hobi and JM.  He reacts the way he does (you know, JM smile and all) and then says “it’s nice to see the members”.

Then he moves on to that Japanese word they were commenting about.

And only after that he goes on to say:

“Yeah, everyone, be well.  Are you doing well?” followed by: “I’m growing my hair.  What do you think?”

These 4 short sentences were all connected. The “everyone” is meant for us, the viewers.  I also have to ask, do these idiots think the question about his hair was also meant for Hobi and JM?

Later on, around the 6:54 min. mark he once again asks: “everyone, what are you doing?” was that for JM and hobi as well?? She asked sarcastically…

Before I go on, and because I need to calm down for a second, can someone tell me please….

Is this person real????

Is it actually legal?

Ok, moving on…

JK telling us he doesn’t want to wash up, too lazy, and asks who wants to help him.  Lol, JK, you don’t ask your fans something like that.  I bet that ring at the door was someone coming to help you out… (I don’t believe I’m laughing about that, it was probably a bloody sasaeng…).

But you know, that “I’m too lazy to wash up” did sound a little familiar.

So, let's remember for one second a certain other who stated just that, and a clear solution to it all.

JK explains Bam is in a new training centre, but also that he hasn’t been well.  It seems this is an ongoing issue, well a few issues (stomach, spine, skin).  Poor Bammy, and poor JK too, he does seem really worried (Bam post will come…at some point…I promised and I will deliver).

He talks a little about the new centre and explains that they have camping options on site, and that:

“We’ll gather around all cozy and nice, and drink some beer”.

I’m kind of wondering if this translation is accurate and if it is, then who the “we” is that he is referring to.

JK talks about going out for drinks with friends the night before the live.  He also talks about having a full pork belly delivered and grilling it, so now the whole place smells of meat (me asking: do they not have proper ventilation in the kitchen in such a high end apartment?).

JK says he made himself a hearty meal, but couldn’t finish it off, as his stomach shrunk.

Ahm, yeah, frown.

Editorial:

I, as opposed to those that think JK is great, happy, doing well, don’t think that at all.  I think he is going through something.  Maybe, as a very good friend of mine called it yesterday, a quarter life crisis.  But he’s not ok.  And him calling himself lazy, which he does after saying he doesn’t want to wash up and will someone come help him, and before saying “I don’t want to do anything”,

doesn’t explain it all away.

It doesn’t explain this, for instance, assuming this translation is correct:

Yes, I think Bam’s health is weighing on him.  But I think it’s more than that too.  He told us in the previous lives that he hasn't been working, although he hasn't finished his album yet. There was also a sense of loneliness, talking about how quiet the place is without Bam (read between the lines too). It probably isn't easy for him this new reality, in which he's separated for long periods of time from the person he has been practically connected at the hip to for almost 24/7 almost 365 days a year for 10 years.

That’s my gut feeling.  You can take it or leave it. 

One good thing I did notice and am happy about is that he has put on some weight again.  That last live at the gym, his jaw line, he was unhealthily thin.  Evidently (by him), he’s eating again, so that’s good.

End of editorial.

At this point JK moves on, to the thing that he feels most at ease with, and that’s singing.

He sings “To find you” – a beautiful love song.

A song he says he’s heard recently.  I’d say more than heard once. 

He KNOWS the song. 

And this isn’t the first time he’s singing this song either.  I’d go so far as to say JK knew the lyrics off by heart, well at the very least some of them.  He clearly likes the song. 😊

He starts singing and stopped by the door bell ringing (well, probably not door bell, more like downstairs entrance).- that’s when he doesn’t recognize whoever it was and doesn’t let them in.  He looks at the camera and then comes back to us saying he doesn’t let in someone he doesn’t recognize.  He giggles after saying he should sing a bit quieter, but then he looks back at the monitor (the door monitor), he does that again mid song.  It felt like he wasn’t at ease then, which does makes me think:  sasaeng?

Side note: love the way he just climbs and jumps over the sofa. Not first or last time we'll see him do that in this live, lol.

JK goes back to sing the song.

1st time:

JK sings the song twice, cause the first version felt to him like it wasn’t heavy enough, the backtrack.

Mid 2nd performance he goes, well jumps over the sofa, to fetch another mic, and then continues to serenade us with the 2 mics.

2nd time:

Then he does a Jang Beom June song.  A couple of times, first his version, then imitating him, well trying to in any case, lol.

After those performances JK asks for song recommendations.

And then comes the second bell, and JK talking to whoever that was (from the company probably, because he straight away tells/warns them he’s doing a live).

JK then comes back to explain about a garbage disposal unit that isn’t working (not him causing the damage – but why would that matter if the apartment was his?) and they are coming to take it away.

JK ended the live.  And us mere mortals were sure that’s the end for today.  We got to enjoy our boy.  And when I say boy I mean young man (it’s just enjoy our boy rhymes…shoot me…well actually please don’t, but that’s what you get from someone that has year 4 level poetry). 

JK came to be with us at a normal time of the day, when we are actually still awake (and when I say we I mean me of course), even though he was supposed to be getting ready for work.  I mean, he kept saying on repeat that he was bored and that’s why he started the live, but dude, you have to get washed up, dressed and off to work in no time, so you do a live?  Not that I’m complaining…

But low and behold, Mr. Jeon Jungkook decided that the 28th of Feb 2023 (you remember 8/11, wink wink) is going to be a super dramatic day, and approx. a couple of hours later, Mr. Jeon committed the mortal sin of obliterating his IG account.  Wiping it out.  Deleting it.  Even deleting the app from his phone (his words).

JK came to us a little after that heinous and deliberate act to tell us:

Whoever thinks JK doing this, including letting us know he deleted the app, is not a statement, well idk what to say to that.

Why he did it, only he knows.

Do we take what he said at face value?  We can.  But then, if we think that they tell us everything without embellishment at times or without omitting at times, then that would make us super naïve.

My thoughts?

This is something JK said during the live (again, assuming Weverse translation is correct):

And yes, it was said in the same context of him getting ready, washed up, being lazy.  But it means more than just being annoyed at having to get ready. 

His words:  “annoyed with everything…”

So my thoughts are that just like JK didn’t tell us all the story with the J and M tattoo, the placing, the connection, the meaning, he didn’t tell us the full reason for him deleting his 52 million follower JK branded IG account.

That just like we didn’t take what he told us during the Vminkook live in LA about how he would go to JM’s room 3 times a day because JM’s room was the closest to his, at face value, I don’t think we should with this either. 

And these wouldn’t be the first or last times we’ve been told partial stories/ partial truths, parts of the stories being omitted or maybe even changed to suit our ears (cough hickey cough).

So, I believe this is bigger than just JK being bored with the app.  Also the him being stressed by IG theory is not one I go for, as this was something we were told back in May 2022 when he deleted all his personal posts and turned the IG account into pure business/professional.  Again, back then, in my opinion, not divulging the actual reason for doing so, but it doesn’t take too much to understand what led to it, including the timing of it all.

Just like JM (since around mid 2022) this account was used mostly for promotional purposes only (with a couple of exceptions for JM).  When they had something to promote they posted on IG, otherwise they didn’t.  And he could have continued doing that.  No pressure what so ever. But he decided out of the blue, or not so out of the blue really, to end the game (pun intended -  end game, you know…).

Does it have to do with the invasive video of his posted on IG just a few days earlier?  Does it have to do with the dating rumors circulating?  Does it have to do with his friends/colleagues/and friends of friends being harassed on IG by TKKs and possibly other fans?  Does this have to do with companies following him to get traction and free publicity (cough CK cough)?  Is this some kind of defiant act against the company, a rebellion of sorts?  There could be 1001 reasons why JK did what he did, we will probably never really know why.  But in one sweep of the finger JK deleted a buying force of over 52 million. 

And yes, JK’s brand hasn’t been ruined, it’s not about his brand, it’s about how the company will use that selling power, how they are supposed to reach the audience.  That was one of the biggest reasons the company set up those accounts for the members.  Not out of the good of their hearts.  Not because they wanted to give them a way to stay in touch with the fandom.  MONEY folks.  It’s always about money.  And big money at that.

The IG accounts were there for promotion, for staying in touch with the fandom on a personal level (sells more) now that they were doing their solo acts, but also a lot of money exchanged hands when they opened those accounts (and I'll leave it at that). 

There are those that say “well BH have their own IG account for promotions”, and indeed that’s true.  But be real people.  It lands different when the company is posting and when the idol himself is.  It’s more personal.  It’s the idol himself reaching out to the fans saying “look, this is what I’m up to now, please support me”.  That by itself generates more sales.  But also, the idol posting a pic of himself in a Dior outfit – everyone running to buy Dior.  With no IG account where will said pic be posted?  Weverse?  Twitter? Not every IG follower is an actual fan of BTS.  Many don’t even know what Weverse is. IG at this point has a wider reach than Weverse does.

What I’m saying here is that this action has financial consequences.  And JK knew that.  Stress or no stress, this is something he knew the company would not be happy with.  Because this isn't a decision that affects him alone. It's a decision that affects the company as well. And he did it anyway.

Good for him.

Whatever the reason behind it.

Be it retaliation for his breach of privacy.

Be it a defiant act against the company.

Be it both and more.

Good for him.

I just hope, as impulsive as he is, that he got some form of legal advice prior to doing so, because this could definitely be in breach of contract, something that could have real consequences for him.  This is not going live when told he shouldn’t or without staff present.  This is big.  This involves a lot of money.  This might very well be him breaching a clause of his contract, requiring him to take part in whatever promotional activities the company deems necessary.  And we don’t know what that contract looks like, but I do know that some contracts have set penalties for parties breaching this clause or another. 

All I’m saying here is that it’s not as simple as pressing a delete button. There are complex issues here.

This is an action that can have consequences for JK if this is a step too far as far as they are concerned.

I guess we will wait and see how things work out. 

Will JK keep in touch with us via Weverse?

Will we get more lives from him? And if so, how often? 

Will these lives be from ‘home’, given what he told us in the past about permission from the company?

One thing I’m also curious about is where to now?  Does him deleting IG mean he has no brand deals in the horizon and/or no solo releases planned any time soon?  I'm not going to ask the next question that comes to mind. I think there are quite a few that have thought it already. And I don't think the answers are as cut and dry as some might think. All I'll say is, god I hope not.

I will end this post with my wishes:

I wish for JK to find his way if he is feeling a little lost, be happy, be content.

I wish for all the obstacles that stand in their way as a couple to just fuck off, including effing military service.

And if ms doesn't just disappear, I wish for it to pass as fast as possible and for us to be on the other side of it all. Them and us.

And if I'm already wishing for ms to be over, let's wish to be on the other side of the rainbow and meet them all healthy and happy for Festa 2025 and a comeback.

There are a few other wishes I'll keep to myself, you know, like win the lottery, for one...

I would wish for world peace, and end to racism, bigotry, hate, homophobia, transphobia, and all that crap, but let's be real here, I might be delusional, but not that delusional.

[a-lonely-dunedain]

20 for tossdir & meneldir mayhaps?

ok this one uh. ended up So Much. was not expecting the levels of angst here but then Tossdir decided he was going to mention their parents and. ;-; they get hugs at least. pre-epic Tossdir and Meneldir are. a lot huh (I wasn't able to get the Exact wording of the prompt in there to sound natural so it was changed slightly, but I think what I wrote fits the overall point of it. I think. idk I make the rules here)

20. "Please. For me." "...okay. For you."

“Trying to leave again?” Meneldir hears. He freezes, then curses himself under his breath. He made a little too much noise in his hurried attempt to pack his belongings and woke his unwelcome companion who really should be at home.

“Yes. and I would ask that you do not follow me this time.” it’s a futile request, hardly the first time nor the last time he would make it, but he felt the need to say it nonetheless. Tossdir does not belong here in exile, but he was going to follow Meneldir anyway, and Meneldir would try to lose him. Maybe he’d get lucky and actually convince his little brother to go home this time. Maybe.

“Can… Can we not do this right now? I really don’t want to spend today trying to track you down…”

“Then go home. As I’ve been trying to tell you–”

“That’s not what I meant!” Tossdir sounds… almost angry. Meneldir is taken aback by it. “...do you even know what day it is?”

“I was not keeping track, but I do not see how that–”

“It’s February twenty-first.” he states, his tone sharp and hurt.

Oh. That time already… These dates have a way of sneaking up on him.

He understands the reason for Tossdir’s mood now. This is the day their parents died.

“I just…” Tossdir continues, trying to hide the shaking in his voice, but whether it is from anger or sorrow Meneldir cannot tell “I understand that you still want me gone, but I really don’t want to be alone today. Please. Just be here for me. You can run all you want afterwards but… just not today.” sorrow then, Meneldir thinks.

“Ah.” He clears his throat uncomfortably and stops packing “That… changes my plans then. I will stay for now.”

Tossdir had always been a very sentimental person, holding keepsakes from people who were close to him and keeping track of dates such as these was always something he placed a great deal of importance on. It’s not an unusual trait for a Dúnedan, but it made anniversaries like these very difficult for him.

Meneldir still thinks it would be better for him to be at home, with Bregadir and the other rangers –the family who is actually worthy of him– but it’s not as if that can be arranged right now. Dour as it may be, Meneldir’s company will have to do.

He walks over to where Tossdir is standing. He opens his arms slightly in an invitation for a hug, but he’s not sure if Tossdir would even want it. He has every right to be pissed at him, he just tried to abandon him in the wilderness on the anniversary of their parents’ deaths for fuck’s sake. The guilt threatens to eat him alive. Another mistake to add to the long list–

Tossdir suddenly hugs him with nearly enough force to knock him off his feet, forcing a slight ‘oof’ sound from him. Meneldir wraps both his arms and cloak around him, staving off the late winter chill.

“...and for the record, I don’t want you gone. I just want you to go home, where you’ll be better off.” he says quietly, words steeped with shame.

“...I don’t see the difference.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been a terrible brother.” he sighs.

“You’re my only brother, I’ll take what I can get.” Tossdir hugs him a little tighter. Meneldir thinks he might be crying- nevermind, they're both crying.

Meneldir promised he wasn’t going to try leaving today, but he thinks to stick around a little longer than that. It’s winter, traveling is unpleasant and the snow would make him easy for Tossdir to track. No sense in trying to leave until spring at least. They’ve found a good location for their camp anyway, it would be a shame to waste it.

Well, those were the justifications Meneldir told himself at least. In reality, he simply didn’t want to be alone either. Running from seemingly the only person who still loves him is the hardest thing to do, and selfish as it is to stop, he just can’t manage it right now. There is still some flight in him, but not today. 

It’s better for Tossdir to be away from him. It’s selfish, Meneldir thinks, to put his desire for companionship over Tossdir’s long-term wellbeing, and he hates himself for it. But regardless, he can’t leave right now. He does not wish to be alone either. Not today.

[secret-thoughts-of-an-artist]

If you see this, you can be angry.

There are a lot of things no one talks about when you leave your first “long term” relationship. They don’t talk about how empty you feel, how much you may lose or how much of yourself you struggle to find after months and months of trying. 

So much of who I was became “us”. My mannerisms, my friends, my everything. The biggest thing for me is that I lost almost every single person I had known since 2019. I had graduated college and truthfully, no one really stays in contact after college, not easily anyways. I lost all the friends he and I had, which was pretty much everyone I knew at the time. It’s taken me until quite recently to realize that I wasn’t allowed to be friends with people my ex didn’t know.

There were a lot of things my ex(J) didn’t let me do. As I previously stated, I wasn’t allowed to be friends with people he didn’t know, and god forbid if I socialized with the guys at work. I couldn’t much come home and talk about work without him getting irritated because for the last eight months of the relationship, I worked in an environment filled with men. To add insult to injury, we lived with his mother and up until the day I left, I wasn’t allowed to say anything to her about the cleanliness of the living situation. I was really the only person who kept up with it and it was a struggle to fight through working 40 hour weeks, (for a bit) full-time school and maintaining a house that wasn’t even mine. Until the day I finally told him I was leaving, I wasn’t able to do anything to better myself.

Now lets really get into the nitty gritty of it. In April of 2022, he and I went to a concert where I met one of my favorite social media influencers. It was such a blessing that my ex had pushed me to at least say hi. Little did he know how much that would snowball into me finally leaving. I joined said influencers discord and was finally able to start having a “safe space” to vent about whatever was going on, until my ex joined the discord just to make a point that i was talking about him. More concerned about random people on the internet knowing how I felt about him that what my own counselor thought. Same counselor that could have said something if she were to suspect I was in immediate danger if I went home. Everyone else in the discord realized the red flags, the people I had been working with for four months at that point saw the red flags and I was still choosing to ignore them.

I had told my now ex multiple times before I finally left that I wanted to leave. Sat in the bedroom he and I had spent many, many days and night in crying, telling him I was ready to leave. When I finally did, I brought those nights back up and was told that he thought I was “gas lighting” him by saying it. I meant it every time I said it. I was so burnt out, so tired and so scared. I am into BDSM, and this man had no issue working with that, but there were times when I was genuinely scared for my safety and didn’t have a safeword to use. More than once I was put into a position where during intercourse and play, I completely shut down and started crying because I was GENUINELY terrified of what was going to happen. It took me only until recently to see just how dangerous this relationship was.

I was cut off from most of the world, could hardly visit my family, he would talk more shit about MY family than I would, he kept me isolated, scared and in a cycle of mental games so I stayed... What I could never actually admit to until now is that in order to get out, I cheated. It’s not what you think, the plan was never “oh, I should cheat on him so I have a reason to leave”. No, that wasn’t the case. Truthfully, I reached out to an old friend(M), someone I had known and had been on and off with prior to being with J. I had only reached out to check in. Only person I had ever looked up obituaries for as I knew I would struggle to continue if he wasn’t around. With reaching back out to this friend, I was invited to go and photograph him and a few friends playing in a flag football league. I went and did this, lied to J about what I was doing, who I was doing the photos for and what was going on. When I met up with this friend, I planned on just doing the photos and leaving, nothing more.

Little did I know at the time, but that one day out, lead to the end of it all. i was going to leave that day without my payment. I realized how much I still loved M. As I walked away that day to go home, I cried. I sat in my car in that parking lot and just cried because I realized how much I still needed and loved M. We agreed to let me accept the lunch portion of my payment for doing the photos and that when it came out. M and I talked, realized how much we both still wanted things and after lunch, before I left that day, we kissed. Something with so much more passion than I had felt in a long time. In that moment, I realized I was home and that going back to Massachusetts was a loveless place for me. Over the next week, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to leave J, that M and I were still just friends and that I could stick it out... I left a week after the initial photos.

This is the shit no one talks about. This is the stuff that is so difficult. I didn’t realize I was in danger until it was almost too late. Now, I’m planning my wedding for later this year with the man i’ve loved since high school. It’s scary, it’s new and it’s so difficult to adjust sometimes, but I wouldn’t have my life any other way right now. I know I’m loved, I know I’m safe and I know that no matter how much I may wonder, he isn’t going anywhere.

Cheating on J possibly saved my life.