#and I've been in constant anxiety since wednesday to the point I do that little startled anxious jump when I hear the email notification

[moondvncer]

🧿

[momochizoey]

Thank you for tagging me @celinou !!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 

I've got 12 on my AO3! 9 ATLA/TLOK fics, and 3 Wednesday fics.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 

46,759 words in total! Most of it is one shots so that tracks tbh, though I'm actually pretty impressed with how much that actually is, especially cause it doesn't count how much I've written for WIPs.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

#1) Scrapped Scenes, a Wenclair fic, at 1,632 kudos (which is frankly insane, I hadn't realized it got that much)

#2) Crying Wolf, another Wenclair fic, at 759 kudos

#3) And Iphigenia Felt Rage, a Yuezula fic, at 225 kudos

#4) The Future Looks Brighter Together, a Sokkla fic, at 163 kudos

And at #5) Yours In Body And Soul, another Sokkla fic, at 154 kudos

I'm not surprised the two Wenclair fics are on top by such a wide margin, I wrote those when the show had only just come out so the fandom was at its peak. Very glad that many people liked what I wrote though! Since most of the other fandoms I've written for (on ao3 or here) are a lot less active, it was a new experience!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? 

I usually do, but I do have to admit I've been struggling a bit with it recently 😅. I read them all, and I'm so grateful for them, but especially on fics that I had huge plans for still, and which are in no way close to progressing, I have this feeling like I should have a new chapter to offer when I do answer them. I'm blaming it on my social anxiety 😬

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Ooh, that's a hard one cause I definitely tend to go in a more fluffy, feel-good direction. But I'd have to say it's Keep Your Fire On A Leash (Let The Ashes Bring You Peace). It's a June/Azula oneshot, mainly focused on Azula dealing with the pyromania she developed in captivity (as a need to reclaim complete control over at least this aspect of her life). She tries to manage it a little by working in pottery, where continuous, constant temperature control is crucial to porcelain quality, but it's not perfect. It's not angsty per-se, but it's definitely more ambiguously neutral.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? 

Oooh, I'd say it's a toss up between two of my fics:

The first is Not Alone, a TyZula band AU fic about Azula recovering from bottom surgery. I wrote it while I myself was still recovering from bottom surgery, and I wanted to explore a facet of trans characters journeys that isn't often discussed? It's a bit more niche, and I only recently made it open to anyone, not just ao3 users, so it's one of my less popular fics for sure, but it's very hopeful portrayal of a trans experience.

And the second is Yours In Body And Soul, a Sokkla soulmates AU, where soulmates bodyswap at night when either of them has had a bad day, in order to try to cheer them up. I got the idea from a korrasami fic called Paralyzed I read a while back, and changed the mechanics a little bit to make it work. It's definitely a more traditional happy ending, romantic getting together included (up to a point, they are still kids in the timeline so just an excited hug).

8. Do you get hate on fics? 

I don't! Sometimes people disagree on one interpretation of something, but never disrespectful or anything, so I'm pretty happy!

9. Do you write smut? 

I've tried it before in private, got some good feedback. But no, never anything that I'd share.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written? 

I'm not sure if ATLA/TLOK counts😂. I've had some ideas for crossovers though, and written a few draft snippets, I think it was a TLT/ATLA one, an ATLA/Shang-Chi, and a Naruto/ATLA one that I've actually posted a few snippets from on here if I remember correctly.

That last one was a Sakura reincarnated into Azula idea, to explore some interesting anti-imperialist ideals, because that's actually a blind spot Sakura has as well with Konoha. It's easy for her to fall into the same ideological fallacies as before, especially with the significantly lower usage of child soldiers in the Fire Nation making it seem like the epitome of peace and human rights to her. Like looking at the same problem in a different font, at a slightly different angle, it gives Sakura an opportunity for growth by maybe showing her some of the issues she had been ignoring or missing in Konoha, shaking some of her loyalty.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

Nope, not as far as I'm aware!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? 

Also nope, theoretically I could translate it in Dutch, but I'm a lot better at expressing myself in English I think, and almost every Dutch person can read English (especially on ao3), so I don't think it would add much. Maybe one day though!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

I haven't, though it seems like it'd be very cool, I'd definitely be open to it!

14. What's your all time favorite ship? 

God, don't make me choose 😭😭 I guess it's probably Chasefield? I'm such a sucker for those two it's unreal. Otherwise maybe Yuezula, Maizula or Sokkla? They each have such interesting possible dynamics, in such varying ways.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? 

Again, that's a tough one cause I'm afraid I have a lot. I still have several half-written chapters of Getting Family Approval In Six Fool-Proof Steps (Cue The Fools, Sokka And Azula), as well as the start of a longer fic that continues on from And Iphigenia Felt Rage that I've fully outlined and would love to write someday but can't be sure I ever will. There's also Indelible Mark which I've been blocked on forever. As for WIPs that haven't even been partially published yet, I've got 11k for a Chasefield fic I've posted a scene or two for on here called Muse on My Mind, that I wish I could finish but I'm not confident I can manage any time soon. I've also got the start and the outline of a TLT griddlehark fic, where I'm absolutely in love with the premise and the twist I'm building it on, but which, again, I've not progressed much with in a good 6 months. There's a few others, but these are the ones I'd really like to finish at some point.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? 

I love reading it, writing it I could do Dutch or Google translate a different language, but much preferably I'd be able to check it with someone who actually speaks the language for accuracy. Best to use some of the more advanced ao3 html uses to make a translation appear when you hover over it though, unless not understanding it is an important part of the reading experience, in which case people can look it up later if they want to.

19. First fandom you wrote for? 

My very first fic was actually a The 100 song fic based on an opera song, which is too embarrassing so I won't share where it is🤐 I was like 17 so it's too embarrassing.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Tbh, it's either Muse on My Mind (the chasefield fic I mentioned that isn't posted anywhere except for 1 or 2 scenes on Tumblr), which is super fun because it's playing with the perspective of a character that just straight up doesn't understand half the plot happening in the background that is hinted at for the reader who does know. Oblivious characters too caught up in their own shit to pay attention are so so so much fun to write, especially when you have fun with it, implying things but never outright confirming it!

Otherwise it's Haunted By Runaway Ghosts. That one is a Sokkla fic that explores their past through flashbacks while Zuko and Katara are both grappling with the discovery of their niece and nephew they had no idea existed (or could exist). Which, not to brag, but from a technical standpoint I really think that one is probably one of the most skilled fics I've written and published, and it was so much fun to write and puzzle it all together; the slow build up and explanations slowly coming together to form the bigger picture, the hidden ties between locations in the show and events in the story and how they fit into each other perfectly - genuinely a joy to write (and if people are interested in reading it please do, imo it's on par with And Iphigenia Felt Rage, if in a pretty different style, definitely something I'd love for more people to enjoy the way I did writing it).

Thanks again for tagging me @celinou, this was very fun to do! I see you've already tagged @sourrind, who I'd have tagged as well, so next I'll tag @dawnsiren @ly0nstea and @likeadragonfruit , and of course whoever else wants to do it!

[to-be-mary-jay]

Dear my depression and anxiety, why do you gotta center around my heart and make it ache like there's a hole there? Why does it goes be a constant feeling with bad depression days and why does it flare in pain with my anxiety? Why can't I just make them both stop? Make it stop... it's been like this for 4 days now. Distractions only work so long and once I'm in bed they hit me again. I can't talk about it cause I don't know what triggered it fully, I know what made it worse though... Tuesday was bad, Wednesday I raffled to my con artist brother who is actually trying to get to know me apparently. We ended up talking about stuff brought up some past things that still upset me, brought up that he's the only one trying. I still... don't want to exist, I did before that conversation and after it. But like I am so... inconsequential to my stupid blood related family, fucking trophy kid for years, still have to go fucking family stuff where I have to pretend to care and their half seed attempts to pretend to know me. None of them know my favorite cookie because I finally asked in a shade of blue and not one of them truly care about how I feel. Not one of them is concerned when I'm basically all like "what do you want from me" when they do contact me. I hate being a ghost in this family and if it weren't for a number of contributing factors I probably would have cut them off ages ago. But no here I am with a family who won't take responsibility for the hurt they've cause or the trauma they've made. I'm tired... tired of surviving only and always pretending that I'm OK even to myself. My whole being is just a facade to the little kidsinside that is crying and hurt all alone who's had more fucked up things happen to them than should have happened. This version that everyone sees is just a brave face I put on every day to hide the crumbling broken person inside that has to learn things on her own... because no one in my family has ever really helped me without wanting something in return. Mom wanted my obedience and to turn into a better version of her, my brother above me wanted me gone, the second youngest brother only wanted whatever money I had to help him with whatever, the second eldest is only really helpful to the bare minimum; I asked you to help me find a place not so it for me, teach me the ways you stupid jerk. And the eldest? He could care less about my entire existence after a certain age I turned, like who hits a kid for barely tapping a car with a plastic chair, who is so heartless? Him that's who. Yeah sure he's mellowed out since he's had kids but he's never apologized, I don't care if he warned me that he would do that if I did, I was like 8 - 10 years old what's his problem?! Not to mention that everyone literally drops everything to go to a freaking baby blessing but I could get anyone to come or even call me on my highball graduation day. And I had sent the invites a whole 3-4 months in advance. Yes I'm bitter, yes I'm salty but I have the right to be, I have every right to be because I had to go to every single one of their graduations, the eldest's ones twice...

I'm tired and I'm salty and I'm really really done with my existence... I shouldn't have to be useful for their or anyone else's love I shouldn't have to worry about fucking conditional love... it should be unconditional but it's not and I've... got not much of a support system... yeah friends tell me I can talk to them but no one really wants to hear it... they're obligated to say that... it's like an instinct. And like I have tried in the past to talk to my friends about it like not problem solve but just vent? Ya know? And after awhile I realized that... no one really listens... I always listen... when people talk about what they like or the good things that have happened... but not many want to listen to me... I... don't get to ramble about stuff I like or vent because at this point I have to be in a trusted area and relaxed for me to even get to that point... so I've got my walls up... my filter so no one thinks I'm a bother or needy or attention seeking... I just deal with it on my own... I have for years... but my dealing with it is ignoring it till it goes away... but it doesn't go away... but what's the point? My freaking family doesn't change, they'll just try to turn it back on me... at least mom does... the rest of them might... my friends try to... but at this I really don't think I'm worth it... I was never worth any of my families time... at a certain age they stopped agreeing to play or hang out with me, the youngest brother left me home alone for hours when he was supposed to be watching me. I grew up alone both physically and emotionally and if you don't think that does something to someone then you'd be wrong... it hurts they're ability to trust and ask for help and call people out on hypocritical behavior or stuff they do that bother you. I do all of this... bury it, ignore the problem, until it explodes... pretend I'm not upset, pretend I'm not angry pretend everything is fine, pretend it's whatever... after awhile it does become whatever because you're so used to it...

I'm too used to it... relying on no one but myself, broken promises and half truths and lying that is fine when it's not... I've at least begun the whole "I accept your apology" phrasing instead of my usual "it's fine". I'm... just so so tired of existence and being angry at my past... at myself... I still hate myself and don't think I'm worth anything... these feelings have been there since I can't remember... I've been depressed my entire life... I don't know who I'm supposed to be, and yeah I can try to self discover but I feel like I have no ground to stand on... no place to try to recover the bits of myself from before the depression and the cptsd from my dad. I've got nothing... and I am nothing... I do so much for so many people and for my job and I still feel like I'm nothing... I'm just here... pretending that I'm OK even though I want to die... I want it to end because I don't know how to get better and no one abrogated wants to hear it or see it or whatever... I'm just here... being a waste of fucking space in a world where few would notice that I'm gone... in a world I tried for too long to try to treat people the way I wanted to be treated... I'm... really really done... I'm so tired and I want it to stop but I can't because of numerous reasons... but I want to die... and despite changing my name my old self isn't dead I'm still messed up and full of trauma because a name change doesn't do much. Yeah I feel better with my new name but I'm so so tired... I just... I don't know what I really want... I just want it to stop really...

[polkadotsockz]

I don't know why, but I've always liked these.

100 Things About Me 

1. What is your full name? Kimberly 

2. How old are you? 23 

3. When is your birthday? 12/12 

4. What is your zodiac sign? The charming and witty, Sagittarius 

5. What is your favorite color? Blacker than my soul 

6. What’s your lucky number? 12 (look at my birthday!) 

7. Do you have any pets? Two wonderful cats, Fuu (Fuu Kitty) and Archer (Archie) 

8. Where are you from? Connecticut 

9. How tall are you? 5′8" 

10. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Like 10, but I wear 3-4 of them regularly 

11. What did you last have for breakfast? Scrambled eggs and cold brew coffee

12. What was your last dream about? The last one I remember having was one in which I was in my high school cafeteria. For some reason everyone in my high school was invited to this wedding (don't know whose), and we all decided to get dressed at school. Now mind you, this took place in my high school but in the present day, meaning we were all adults. When I looked around, guys and girls were putting on their outfits, doing their hair, and doing their makeup. All the parents were there getting ready too. I remember getting upset because my parents brought the wrong dress for me. They brought the dress I wore to my cousin's wedding a few years ago, which is a beautiful dark blue gown. I was upset because I was afraid the dress would rip because of all the weight I've gained. (The dress actually did rip in real life when I wore it to my step-aunt's wedding a couple of months ago; causing me to have to borrow someone’s dress for the rest of the night). So after some complaining, I convinced them to stop back at home so I could get a different dress, and that's when I woke up. 

 13. What is the best thing about you? I always try to see the best in everyone, even if they've done me wrong. 

 14. Put shuffle on your iPod, what were the first 5 songs? 

      1. Part II - Paramore 

      2. ARTPOP - Lady Gaga 

      3. Dancing in Circles - Lady Gaga (really?! 2 in a row?) 

      4. But It's Better if You Do - Panic! At the Disco 

      5. Comedy of Errors- Alesana 

15. Favorite song? It typically depends on my mood, but the one that is most constant is “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. It’s pretty much the perfect song because a. it’s fun to sing along to, b. it’s fun to dance to, c. it has beautiful lyrics with a powerful message about self-love and self-acceptance, especially for the LGBT community.

16. Favorite TV show? Game of Thrones, by fucking far!

17. Favorite movie? the Harry Potter series

18. Do you miss anyone right now? I miss my Sammy and I miss my friends who I don’t see nearly enough

19. Do you want children? I think so, but I have promised myself that I won’t have kids unless and until I work out my anxiety issues because I don’t want to pass this along to yet another generation in my family.

20. Do you want a church wedding? Nah, I’d probably burst into flames up at the altar.

21. Are you religious? Nah, I like Satan jokes too much.

22. Have you ever been to the hospital? The last time I remember going was when I was 6 and needed 10 stitches on my head.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Sadly, no. I hold out hope that I’ll meet Lady Gaga. 

24. Baths or showers? Both! I only really like baths when I have a bath bomb/bubble bar, though!

25. What color socks are you wearing? None. 

26. Have you ever been famous? Nah, I don’t have the charisma or personality to handle that much attention.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Nah, I like my privacy tbh.

28. What type of music do you like? Lady Gaga, Paramore, emo/screamo that I’ve been listening to since middle/high school, occasional radio hits

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No :/ I totally should have when I was home alone when I lived at my parents’.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two! My favorite is when I can lay my head on one, and hug the other one.

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I usually sleep on my side (fetal position)

32. How big is your house? Our apartment is a decently sized one-bedroom

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Eggs or rolled oats with fruit

34. Have you ever fired a gun? Nope!

35. Have you ever tried archery? No, but it sounds cool

36. Who is your celebrity crush? Lady Gaga cuz she’s actually perfect

37. Who do you look up to? Lady Gaga, because she isn’t afraid to be who she is and inspires others love and accept themselves. She is an extremely talented and accomplished musician, but retains such a humility and love for her fans. So basically, as I said before, she’s perfect.

 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 22 hours. When I was a high school senior, I got hooked on World of Warcraft, and I would do raids until 2 am (Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays), and then wake up for school at 5 am. Thursdays were the worst. 

39. Do you have any scars? On my forehead from the 10 stitches I got as a child, and a few on my face from the chicken pox.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? I don’t believe so.

41. Are you a good liar? I’m good at white lies (“I love that new haircut!”) but suck at lying about things that actually matter because I’m really bad at hiding my feelings.

42. Are you a good judge of character? For the most part. 

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? I like to pretend I can do a British accent, but it’s not all that.

44. Do you have a strong accent? Nah lol, just standard New England.

45. What is your favorite accent? British, Irish, Australian

46. Name all the countries you’ve been to? Not as many as I’d like! I have only been to Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, and I took a cruise as a kid that stopped in Aruba, St. Martin, and St. Thomas. So basically, I’ve been around the Carribean.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? I don’t know, haha. I’m too broke for expensive clothes, I’m a grad student.

 48. Can you curl your tongue? Kind of.

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie!

50. Left or right handed? Right, my left hand is useless

51. Are you scared of spiders? Yes, I hate all of them.

52. Favorite food? You can never go wrong with pizza

53. Favorite foreign food? Thai food is heaven.

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I can be messy with clothes, but for the most part, I’m a neat freak. I get anxiety if things are too dirty around the house.

55. Most used phrase?  “I’m too tired for life......”

56. Most used word? “Fuck”

 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Probably like 30-45 minutes on average. I varies depending on how long my shower is, how much make up I’m trying to wear, what I’m doing to my hair, and if shaving my legs is part of the process. 

58. Do you have much of an ego? Most of the time I tend to be very hard on myself, so I’m gonna say no.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Don’t eat many lollipops nowadays, but suck!

60. Do you talk to yourself? All the time! I’m a great conversationalist.

61. Do you sing to yourself? All the time! Every car ride is a concert just for me.

62. Are you a good singer? I’m not too shabby. 

63. Biggest Fear? Failure, rejection, judgement.

64. Are you a gossip? I can be. I enjoy talking about others, but many times it’s not in a negative way. For example, if I’m worried about someone who isn’t really saying much to me, I may ask another friend what’s going on with them because I’m concerned...not cuz I’m trying to talk shit. I guess I should get better at direct communication, tho.

 65. Favorite character in anything? Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones, ASOIAF

66. Do you like long or short hair? I like both, but I’m digging my ultra long hair right now cuz I had short hair for so long!

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? Probably, just don’t ask me where they all are on the map.

 68. Favorite school subject? English/literature all the way!

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Too introverted to handle.

70. Favorite hobbies? Reading, writing, watching movies/shows, make-up, spending time with my boyfriend and friends

71. What makes you nervous? Everything social, judgement, presenting in front of people, making decisions.

72. Are you scared of the dark? I used to be, but now I like it. 

 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Not really. I used to correct peoples’ grammar/spelling mistakes, but then I realized what an ass I was being. I only really point out mistakes if I think the mistakes will negatively impact the person.

74. Are you ticklish? Yes, extremely and everywhere.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? I don’t think so.

 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I guess I’m in a position of power/authority in my career. I never know what to do with that power, though.

77. Have you ever drank underage? Of course. 

78. Have you ever done drugs? I’ve dabbled in a few things. Weed is the only consistent one, and it’s hardly a “drug.” I’ve never done anything seriously addictive/dangerous like heroine or meth or something.

79. Who was your first real crush? This kid in my second grade class. He didn’t like me though cuz he was popular, and I was very unpopular.

80. How many piercings do you have? 5 - lobes, industrial bar, nostril, and navel. I want so so so many more though.

81. Can you roll your Rs? Spanish is my second language, so claro que sí!

82. How fast can you type? Pretty damn fast, actually.

83. How fast can you run? Fast if it’s for a very short distance. I have very little endurance, though.

84. What color is your hair? Naturally, I’m a milk chocolate brown. Right now, I’ve got about 2-3 inches my roots grown out, and the rest is a fading purple.

85. What color are your eyes? Dark brown.

86. What are you allergic to? Just pollen.

87. Do you keep a journal? I’ve always been bad at keeping up with journals. I wish I could find some old ones with my poetry.

88. What do your parents do? Dad: owns a little grocery store, Mom: works at a bank, Stepdad: works at an investment bank (stocks and such)

 89. Do you like your age? It’s okay. I’m getting old, though.

90. What makes you angry? Ignorance/ hatred: racism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, etc. It honestly makes no sense to me how people can’t just love and accept one another and mind their own damn business.

91. Do you like your own name? I think it’s a nice name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I’ve had many thoughts throughout the years. I’ve always been partial to gender neutral names like Alex, Riley, Andy, etc.

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? One of each would work.

94. If you had to have someone narrate the story of your life to you when you died, who would it be? This is an odd question, honestly, I’m not sure.

 95. What’s the best thing you’ve ever won? I don’t really win things.

96. How did you get your name? My mom and dad were thinking “Nelly” but then my grandma’s best friend talked them into “Kimberly.” I feel that this is more fitting. 

97. Out of the original 151 which is your favorite Pokémon? I didn’t watch Pokemon.

98. What browser do you use? Safari cuz I’m a Mac.

99. Color of your bedspread? I think it’s purple right now.

100. Color of your room? White cuz I rent and can’t paint the walls