#and also and that's... kind of impossible to prove or to pinpoint or rationally explain

[rawliverandgoronspice]

still a hardcore believer in the "totk was absolute development hell" theory btw, even if I know it will never be confirmed or denied, but all the signs are there honestly

[askthedespairkids]

Chapter 1: Your First Lesson in Despair ~Daily Life~

//Woo! Finished this off and it’s ready to upload. The way this is formatted, I’ll show important moments from the daily life sections, then do highlights of the investigation. Trials will be full out, and at the end there will be FTE with the victim and killer of each chapter!

//Hope ya’ll enjoy

-Chapter 1 Daily Life, Cafeteria-

 We had all gathered when we woke up. Well…most of us. 14 out of the 16 in the group arrived at the cafeteria. You could really feel the tension among the group with what we were told yesterday…a killing game? What does it all even mean? It can’t be real, can it?

 “This isn’t ideal.” Watanabe-san started off as she scanned the room where we were scattered to different tables. “Who is missing? I want to keep a record of who isn’t coming to these meetings.”

 “You call them meetings…but it’s more or less a way to keep track of each other.” Kurosaki-san chuckled. “I believe only Mademoiselle Ram and Herr Okanaya are the only ones missing.” Okanaya-san and Ram-san…?

 “I tried to get Ram-chan to come out of her room, but she wouldn’t open her door.” Hachi-san said.

 “I don’t blame her. With the situation we’re in, it probably pays to be a little cautious.” Sly-san added. So…why are you here? Then again, if Sly-san’s the Ultimate Assassin, he probably has no reason to be worried.

 “Oka-chan, on the other hand? I saw him walking about but he totally threatened me when I tried to get closer to him. Ahhhh! I was really scared! I thought he was gonna hit me! We’re better off not being around him!” Irunami-san said. Okanaya-san was walking around? Most likely looking for a way out. If he knows the building’s layout, he’d know where to check for exists. I just wish he’d try to be more cooperative.

 “Unfortunately, we cannot force him to come. Though, I hope that both of them come around eventually. We need to work together in this situation in order to prevent any incidents from happening.” Watanabe-san said. ‘Incidents’ she says…she means so that nobody dies, right? Are we really gonna die in here? “For now, should we discuss the situation and our setting?”

 “Ah, if we’re discussing the setting them let me take the lead!” Without warning, Hachi-san clapped their hands together and produced a map resembling the floor plan on the E-handbook we received from Monokuma. “All right, who wants to annotate the map~? Hokama-chan! You do it!”

 “No, don’t ask me. I never learned how to write.” Amaterasu-san held up a hand to decline. “And call me Amaterasu.” She quickly added.

 “I’ll do it.” Shinko-san offered, grabbing the pen from Hachi-san. “Okay…obviously where we are right now is the cafeteria and the kitchen. This line of rooms is the dorms. How about this room?” He tapped on the room directly across from the cafeteria.

 We all ended up huddled around the map as Graves-san quickly stuck her hand up. “Oh! That’s a bathhouse! I tried it out yesterday and the water is super nice! I jumped straight in and didn’t want to leave!”

 “E-eh?! You didn’t even wash yourself beforehand?!” Kurohiko-san said.

 “A…are you supposed to?” Graves-san rubbed the back of her neck. I guess she doesn’t know how it all works in Japan…she’s definitely cleaning it first.

 “A bathhouse.” Shinko nodded and noted it then pointed to a room behind the cafeteria that was down another hallway. “And here?”

 “That’s a storage room. In addition to the food in the kitchen, that room is filled with snack foods, sodas, and other miscellaneous items like extra clothing. It could prove useful if we have to start rationing.” Sly-san explained.

 “Ah, but…our drawers in our dorm rooms are already filled with clothes, and when I went to get breakfast, Monokuma told me he’s gonna restock the food daily. So, I don’t think we’re gonna have to worry about rationing.” Kibe-san added.

 “How thoughtful, despite such a game, he doesn’t want you all to starve to death. How oddly generous.” Ishikawa-san smiled.

 “Just…make sure to eat with us, Ishikawa-san.” Kurohiko-san said. The thanatologist nodded though I wonder if she actually believed she needs to eat?

 “I know personally that this room is a boiler room. It’s got a giant furnace and a trash chute. Monokuma told me that each week, we have to assign someone new to take care of the furnace. He gave me the first week, so I guess we can cross that bridge when we get to it.” Shinko-san marked the boiler room down.

 “Take care of the furnace, what does that mean?” I asked.

 “Things that can’t fit in the chute are supposed to be burned in the furnace. He also mentioned how we could ball some evidence up and throw it in there. Seriously…I’m getting sick of hearing about that.”

 “Meanwhile in the building that the hallway connects us to…” Yokozawa-san pointed to the rooms on the map. “That’s the front entrance there, but it’s totally blocked off by all that machinery. Electronic locks, normal locks, this that and the next thing. Totally unbreakable.”

 “Unbreakable…we’re really trapped then…” Kibe-san seemed to pale.

 “That was already obvious from the start though. Don’t worry too much about it.” Sly-san looked over the room we hadn’t filled in yet. Even for an assassin, should he be so calm? It’s almost unnerving… “That’s an infirmary. It has two beds, some medication, and blood packs that are kept in a mini-fridge.”

 “An infirmary in a killing game? Really, even if it’s a school setting…” Kurosaki-san crossed his arms and sighed.

 “We obviously have the gymnasium. This room over here is like a school store. Monokuma said we can get all sorts of stuff from there. I went there last night to see if I could find something to break us out of here, but no luck.” Kurohiko-san said.

 “And this last room is an AV room. There’re rows upon rows of computers room. A projector, and a big screen. Maybe we could watch a movie in there or something.” Hachi-san suggested. “Though…we don’t have any internet.”

 Shinko-san finished off the map. “Alright…that’s everything. Now what are we supposed to do?”

 “I’m not entirely sure…” Watanabe-san admitted. “For now, maybe we should split up for the day…that seems like the most sensible choice.” We got a better understanding of our surroundings, but that alone…but what am I supposed to do? Maybe I should find a way to spend my time?

 -Chapter 1 Daily life Bonus Event: Pretty Pretty Cakes-

 “Ahh…” Irunami-san whined. “Naga-chaaaaan!! I can’t handle it! I’m bored! So bored! I need something to do with my time or I’ll go totally insane!” He wants me to do something about his boredom…?

 “U-um…what kind of things did you do before to pass the time?”

 “Hmm…I really liked to bake at the homeless shelter. They said my brownies were really good! Ah, maybe I should bake…! But I’d need some good utensils. The stuff they have in the kitchen is no good for the way I do it.” Irunami-san pouted and kicked the floor. Ah, come to think of it…

 “I have a baking set I got from the school store. Would that do?” As I told him, his eyes lit up like Christmas decorations.

 “Naga-chan, you’re the best! Alright, alright! If you bring the utensils and stuff to the kitchen later then I’ll be ready to get my bake on!” Irunami-san stood on his tiptoes and patted my head before skipping away. All I have to do is bring them to the kitchen. Seems easy enough.

 ----

 I arrived in the kitchen later with what Irunami-san asked me to bring. When I arrived I found a small crowd in the kitchen. Watanabe-san, Kurosaki-san, Kibe-san, Graves-san, Asano-san, and naturally Irunami-san were all crowded around the centre table.

 “I…Irunami-san, what’s going on?”

 “I figured that if we were gonna do some baking, I should invite some other people to join in! The more people we have, the better!” His face was beaming with pride at the turnout. I looked around at the eager faces.

 “C’mon, I wanna bake already!” Graves-san whined, waving her arms about. “I haven’t had brownies in forever so if these are as good as Sadao says they are, then I wanna eat then right now!”

 “We have the ingredients already so should we just jump right into it? Before Fraulein Graves has a fit, I mean.”

 “Kurosaki-san, you came along as well?” I questioned.

 “Ah, is it that surprising? How could I turn down an offer from such a cute boy, y’know? It was impossible to pass up this opportunity.” He explained. Geez…he’s just here to flirt, isn’t he?

 “What an annoyance you are. I can’t stand those who try to force a harem.” Watanabe-san almost spat. S-seriously, what kind of personality does she have?! I can’t pinpoint her at all. “No matter. Shall we start?”

 “Okayyyy~!” Irunami-san chirped.

 The baking session went…as expected with people like these.

 “Ahhh!!! Kurosaki-kun stole my sugar!” Kibe-san complained.

 “I did not! Mademoiselle, keep her off of me before she tears me for something I didn’t do!!” Kurosaki-san clung to Watanabe-san’s shoulder as Kibe-san began beating at him with a chocolate-covered whisk. “At least clean it if you’re to hit me!”

 “I’ll hit you in a second if you don’t let go.” Watanabe-san said in a low voice, glaring at the two. Both quietened down instantly and went back to their stations. I looked over at Asano-san who was methodically creating her batch, much further along in the process than anyone else.

 “It is odd. I never knew that this was how people my age spent their time together. I did so much home economics that it didn’t even occur to me it could be used for socialising.” What a sheltered girl. I can’t help but feel sorry for her.

 “Nagata-san, make sure you aren’t using too much flour.” Watanabe-san brought me back to what I was doing, I looked down at my own bowl realising I had been building up quite the pile of flour on the sieve.

 “A-ah!” The problem with flour in a sieve is that no matter how you move, you’re getting flour everywhere. Irunami-san pouted at me from across the counter.

 “Geez, Naga-chan, you’ll never make a good stay-at-home-husband with baking skills like that.” Why am I already having my life predicted by you? “Looks like it’s up to the great Sadao Irunami to show you how it’s really done!”

 Irunami-san abandoned his own work to help me with mine, step-by-step. And eventually…we had several plates full of brownies, Irunami-san put name cards in front of the plates so we’d know which plate belonged to which person.

 “Yahooo! We did it! They all look so good!” Irunami-san bounced around the kitchen, hugging everyone individually. “Ah…I don’t even know which one to try first…”

 “Huh? What’s going on in here?” We all looked over to the kitchen entrance to find Shinko-san standing there with curiosity written on his face. “It’s sickeningly sweet in here. Was there a sugar blast or something?”

 “We all baked brownies! Shin-chan, you should try some and tell us what you think!” Irunami held out a plate to Shinko-san. The director stepped back and frowned, pushing the plate away from his face.

 “I would rather not poison my body with such amateur works.” He looked away.

 “Ah, that’s a shame. Even though we all went through so much effort…” Watanabe-san sighed. Shinko-san peered out of the corner of his eyes, his face instantly flushing to a bright red. He swiped the top brownie from the plate.

 “F-fine, if you’re going to get on my ass about it, then I’ll eat one! Fuck!” He grumbled a few more curses before taking a bite. There was a small silence before Shinko-san’s expression became that of a violent sneer. “Disgusting. Which one of you pigs decided that was okay to give to someone like me?”

 “Ah, Herr Shinko, you’re too mean to me! I’ll cry if you insult my baking skills like that!” Kurosaki-san put a hand up to his face and wiped away a non-existent tear.

 “Get better then, dipshit.” Shinko-san growled before leaving. Gagging slightly as he left.

 “I suppose now is a bad time to mention I’m not a great chef?” Kurosaki-san chuckled a little as Irunami-san subtly threw away his plate of brownies.

 -Chapter 1 Daily Life, Motive-

 After hearing Monokuma’s announcement, the group all gathered inside the gymnasium. I couldn’t ignore how many nervous expressions were painting the room, my own included. Though what really got my attention were those two…

 “Ram-san and Okanaya-san? You’re here too?” I asked. Okanaya-san seemed to growl before he answered me.

 “What the fuck did you expect? That bastard bear told us we all have to be here. With the situation we’re in, it’d be stupid to ignore him.” He crossed his arms and glared at me, clearly angered as if I had taken him for an idiot or something. Ram-san stayed silent, avoiding any eye-contact with the others. She really didn’t want to leave her room, obviously.

 “H-hey…does anyone else have a bad feeling about all this? I really don’t wanna be here right now.” Kurohiko-san fidgeted with the top button of his shirt.

 “Cool it, Doi-chan. If you keep up that attitude, I’m gonna get annoyed.” Amaterasu-san yawned obnoxiously as she spoke. “I wanna go back to my nap, so can we get this over with…?”

 “D…Doi-chan…?” Kurohiko-san repeated as he began mumbling an incoherent monologue to himself. That guy has some issues he needs to work through.

 “Mmmm…I wonder…Ha-chan! Maybe we can work together and totally destroy Monokuma-sensei!” Irunami-san poked Hachi-san’s shoulder. The illusionist seemed to twitch slightly at the contact. “A hypnotist and an illusionist could be unstoppable together, don’t’cha think?!”

 “The problem is that my magic is exactly that: illusions. It’s not like I could ever properly hold off Monokuma…” Hachi-san replied sadly. “Is it possible to hypnotise a robot anyway?”

 “Ah…you’re right. Ahhhh! And I thought I came up with a cool idea too!” Even though we’ve not been here a long time, I can see the small relationships between the group growing. Some people just seemed to gel well together instantly, almost as if they’ve known each other for a long time.

 …am I…alone?

 “Upupupupu! Sorry to keep you all waiting!” We all stopped and turned to the stage where Monokuma launched up onto the podium. “Wow. Look at all of you getting along so well. It fills my heart with joy, knowing my students are such good friends…oooh…I might tear up.” He shook his head and his claws sharpened. “As if! Why aren’t you guys killing each other yet?! This was so much easier with that council!”

 “Council?” Watanabe-san repeated, though quickly ignored.

 “Hmm…I guess it’s hard to get you guys to start killing without any incentive. Well, if that’s what it takes then I’ll just have to give it to you now!” Monokuma produced a number of envelopes and threw them into the air. Each was marked with one of our names, and though hesitant, we all eventually grabbed our respective envelopes. “Now, if you look inside, you’ll find a very special thing! A name or a word or a phrase, maybe even an image! It might not hold significance to you…but it does to someone in the room!”

 “Explain. Clearly.” Watanabe-san demanded.

 “Usually I would just give you something like a video that means something special to you and only you…but that formula is way overdone! What you have is somebody else’s motive! What kind of motive you ask…? It’s unfinished business from the outside world!” Monokuma placed his paws over his mouth, attempting to stop himself from laughing.

 I looked down at the envelope with my name crudely written on the front. I tore it open and read what was on it. In big block letters it simply said “APE”.

 “How does this make us want to kill?” Sly-san said.

 “Well…in 24 hours, I’ll reveal that unfinished business to all of you! And if some of you have already figured out what your unfinished business is…I’m sure you wouldn’t want it getting out.” Monokuma’s red eye flashed menacingly. “Upu…upupupupu!” And with that, he disappeared behind the podium.

 There was an eerie silence looming in the air. What kind of unfinished business would I have in the outside world? What does “APE” mean? Who does it belong to? Who has mine? There’s so many things I want to know about…

 “Oi! Show me your letter!” I snapped back when Okanaya-san began advancing towards Shinko-san. “I saw that fuckin’ look you gave me! You have something that’s mine, don’t you!?” Shinko-san scoffed and pushed Okanaya-san away.

 “Don’t be such a brute. I was simply admiring how the steam flared out from those nostrils of yours. Besides, someone like me would never be able to identify if this motive belonged to you.” Shinko-san shrugged dismissively. That really didn’t seem to please Okanaya-san as he went to grab Shinko-san by the shirt, Shinko-san batted Okanaya-san’s arm away. “Do not even think about touching me!”

 “You egotistical bastard, I’ll fuckin’ kill you if you act like that!” That set off alarm bells quickly in the group. Watanabe-san called on the both of them to cut it out, but it didn’t seem like either of them were listening.

 “H-hey, maybe you should calm down-“

 “Huh…?” Okanaya-san loomed over me when I tried to intervene. “You wanna get involved, asshole?! I’ll fuckin’ kill you too!”

 “Th-that’s going too far, you shouldn’t say stuff like that! You’re not thinking properly at all!” I kept trying different lines to diffuse the situation but before I knew it Okanaya-san’s fist was reeling back.

 Then black.

 -Chapter 1 Daily Life, Infirmary-

 “Ughhhh…” I slowly let the light floor my vision. It took me a few moments to register the fact that the blurriness was caused by my glasses being removed. “Wh…where….?”

 “A-ah!” I heard a squeak and someone trip over something. I could make out the grey blob in front of me enough to guess who it was. The only with that colour scheme…

 “Ram-san…?” I guessed. She grabbed something next to bed and handed me it. I felt they were my glasses and I put them back on. I was right, it was Ram-san. Now that I had clear vision, I knew I was in the infirmary. “…what happened? Ah!” As I spoke, there was a sting by my right temple.

 “O-oh…you were knocked out by Okanaya-kun…Watanabe-san asked me to take you here to treat your injury. You were bleeding and needed a stitch, so I patched you up…” Her voice was demure. Scared, almost.

 “Right, I remember the fight now. What happened? Are Shinko-san and Okanaya-san okay?”

 “Y-yes…o-once you got hit, a few of the o-others jumped in and pushed the two apart. Luckily nobody else got hurt.” ‘luckily’. Did I have to take the blow so we could avoid a murder maybe…? How lucky for everyone else that they didn’t get hit.

 “So, you patched me up?”

 “R-right. E-even if it’s a gross talent, being the Ultimate Taxidermist means I’m great with stitches.” She smiled weakly, but there was a hint of pride in it. She must really love her talent.

 “Ram-san, I’m really sorry about what I said when we met. I didn’t mean to sound like your talent was gross or something. I do really think what you do is impressive.” I should’ve apologised earlier, but Ram-san wasn’t answering her door for anyone.

 She seemed genuinely shocked by what I said, caught in a momentary disbelief. “Ah…th-thank you, Nagata-kun.” She smiles softly. A genuine smile, and even if it’s only for a moment, I’m glad she’s smiling.

 -Chapter 1, Daily Life BDA-

 The next day, I arrived at the cafeteria earlier than usual to find most of the usual suspects there. Sly-san, Asano-san, Kurosaki-san, Ishikawa-san…but what surprised me was- “Ram-san? You came too?”

 “A-ah, yes! I, um…I felt more unsafe being alone, so…I figured it was better to come along here in the morning.” She played with the piece of hair that trailed down the centre of her face as she spoke. I smiled a little, it was good that she seemed to be trusting the group a little more. I wonder if it has something to do with what we had talked about yesterday?

 “Has anyone seen Shinko? Or Watanabe? They’re both usually here by now.” Sly-san’s question seems normal, but with the current situation, I can’t help but feel alarmed.

 “Couldn’t they have simply overslept?” Ishikawa-san suggested.

 “Not a chance. Not with that Monokuma announcement in the morning. It’d wake even the heaviest of sleepers.” Kurosaki-san smirked. The more they talked, the more anxious I got. I think my face gave it away because Ram-san looked at me and frowned.

 “Nagata-kun…do you want to go look for them? We can check their doors.” She suggested. I was probably being paranoid, but...

 “Y-yeah, let’s go.” I stood up probably too quickly, but I don’t care. Ram-san and I leave the room and walk towards the dorm hallway.

 That’s when we hear it though. A loud scream, almost bloodcurdling. Alarm bells are really going off in my head now. “Wh-who was that?!” Ram-san exclaimed. She didn’t wait for an answer as she grabbed my wrist and began pulling me toward the source of the sound. Thinking about how far away it sounds it had to come from…

 “The boiler room…” I mumbled. Ram-san and I glanced at each other nervously before I reached for the door handle. It’s fine, I keep telling myself. Everything is fine…

 I’m just paranoid…right?

 When we walk into the boiler room, on the ground behind the shutters is the body of Maemi Watanabe, the Ultimate Harem Mangaka, face down on the floor, blood seeping through the back of her cardigan. And next to the door is the extremely pale Shinko-san, who must have been that let out the scream.

 It takes a moment to hit us before…

 “Ah…KYAAAAAAAAA!!!” Ram-san let out her own scream. I didn’t even flinch from the volume, I was so dumbfounded by what I was looking at that I just fell to my knees.

 “W-Watanabe-san…? This…c-can’t be right…” I saw her yesterday. She was acting the same as always. So serious but had this playful side that you couldn’t help wanting to be her friend. She wanted to lead us out of the game without any deaths so…wh-why is Watanabe-san like that!?

 ~Ding dong, bing bong~

 My attention was brought to the monitor that flashed on displaying Monokuma. “A body has been discovered! After a certain amount of time is given, a class trial shall be held! Please all gather at the scene of the crime, the boiler room!” The monitor switched off.

 “N-no way…a class trial?” Shinko-san spoke. A class trial was that thing Monokuma said would happen whenever a murder took place…which meant…Watanabe-san was murdered? By one of us?

[caramellattebaby]

Eating Disorder Recovery : What I Learned

Recovery is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it will be the best thing you’ll ever do. Recovery changed my life forever, and always for the better. I cannot think of one negative thing that recovery has given to me, but I can think of endless negative things that my disorder gave me. All my fears about recovery were only relevant to my active eating disorder, and they seemed to slowly fade and disappear once I kept working on my recovery and learning more about myself and the disorder. Knowledge is power, and learning about my disorder in a safe way helped me see how it worked against me every single day and how to fight back against it. Recovery is a lot like you’re drowning out a separate part of you and a different voice in your head. It’s hard to take the control back, but once you do you’ll ask yourself why you didn’t do it sooner.

This is not an easy fix disorder. This will not happen overnight, or even in a week, or a month. Don’t feel hopeless, however. Recovery and being recovered is not just one single event that will happen to you, rather, it is lots of small events that contribute to a greater picture. If you asked me to pinpoint a time in which I knew I was suddenly recovered, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you when I felt my mind start to shift, and when i felt hope again for the first time in years.

My biggest struggle early on in my eating disorder treatment was learning to separate myself from my disorder. Everyone around me would tell me that the disorder was not me, but I could not see that for the life of me. I deeply felt that it actually was me, and I was it. I was the bad thing, and this was just how I was. This is false, and a lie that the disorder tells you. I was not the bad one, the eating disorder was. I hadn’t been disordered since birth, this was not me. This was something that had happened to me, and something that was not my fault.

Eventually I learned to think of my illness as a parasite inside my head. I had to teach myself this every day for a long time, until I learned to believe it and accept it. Others had to remind me too, and the hardest thing was to listen to them. It’s easy to listen to people on the surface of what they’re saying, and vaguely think about it but not really take it in. I spent a lot of my medical appointments nodding and smiling and telling people what they wanted to hear, never really listening or caring to listen. But you can’t do that forever, and there’s only so much you can ignore or deny.

People around me would probably describe me as a stubborn person. I think a lot of eating disorder sufferers could be described as the same. People would ask me why I couldn’t just use that stubbornness to beat the illness that was destroying me, instead of using my stubbornness to fight my treatment team and, thus sabotaging myself. The reason I couldn’t just flip the switch and use being stubborn in a healthy way, is simply because I didn’t want to. Not for a long time. Every single person is capable of engaging in the recovery process. But while eating disorders are very painful for the sufferer, they somehow provide a level of comfort. When you really think about this, it does not make any sense. How can something that destroys your life, your body, and your soul, be comforting? Nothing about an eating disorder makes any sense to a healthy person, or even to myself now that I’m recovered. I can’t actually believe that I was ever sick, it seems so far away from who I am now.

In my experience, my anorexia was actually very comforting to me because I didn’t have to think about anything else other than the illness. What really scared me was life; actually living. It seems cliche to say it’s about control, but there was so much I could not control about the real world and my real life. It was far easier to be in a bubble, control myself and my body, and tune everything else out. I didn’t have to engage in my social life, or care about work or school, or be present in anything else i found difficult. It’s a total tunnel vision disorder. All that mattered, and all that I saw, was my eating disorder. It was mine, no one could take that away from me if I didn’t want or allow them to, and that worked for me for a while. But I was getting older, and the older you get, the harder it is for people around you to understand you. Everyone kind of expects the teenage years to be difficult, but I was getting into my 20s and it was getting harder to explain to people that I’d meet what I did with my life or who I was or why I couldn’t eat anything at someone's university party. I found that things were spiralling out of control even more as I aged. I’ll always remember something that my doctor said; “an eating disorder in your teens is really hard, but an eating disorder in your 30s or 40s is horrific”. It gets harder to live a normal life with an eating disorder the older you get, because everyone around you will be progressing much faster as adults. I always wanted success for myself in my life, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to get it with anorexia. But in some twisted way, I was convinced that having an eating disorder was actually making me successful and happy, and it was fulfilling me. It was only after going through years of the disorder that I realised I had never been truly happy once. Not once did having an eating disorder make me deeply happy. It was just getting worse, and I was getting more unhappy. Sometimes the hardest things to think about, are the most worthwhile.

Deep down inside I was actually a very caring, pure, honest, and loving person. My eating disorder did not show that with what it made me become. It made me become the opposite of everything that I valued and wanted for myself. I became deceitful, a liar, manipulative, self absorbed, and resentful of people who wanted to help me. Of course, this isn’t who I really was and it wasn’t my fault, but it’s what the disorder made me show to others. And that wasn’t ok with me once I actually saw it from my own eyes and not the disorders eyes. I lost a lot of friends and lovers that found it too difficult to be with me, which destroyed me. But it also somehow empowered me and motivated me to be better.

My most memorable wake up moment was during the most painful point of my illness. I felt like I had lost everything I loved, and I didn’t even feel thin or accomplished to somehow “justify” those losses. I was standing in front of my mirror, as i usually did, but instead of critically examining my body, i examined my face. My whole perspective changed for a few seconds, which I look back on now as a total miracle.

I was looking at my face, and I saw the damage I had done to myself physically and emotionally. My face was grey, my hair was dull, my skin had fine lines, and i could not make my eyes smile or sparkle. It was terrifying, and not what I had imagined myself to look like when I set out as a young teenager on losing weight to be beautiful, and ‘perfect’. I was not ok. The person I had always been, and the body I was given to live in was dying. Deep down, I knew I didn’t really want to die. I always thought about it a lot, and I always told myself I wouldn't care if this killed me. But if I was truly honest with myself, I didn’t actually want that for myself. The point of my eating disorder in the beginning was always to be perfect, to be pretty, and to be happy. What’s the point of that if you’re dead and everyone who loved you is broken. I felt so lied to by my own head; how could this get so out of control? I was supposed to be in control. This was the most important thing I could realise in recovery! Nothing I could ever do would please my disorder, it did not care about me and I would never be enough. Even if I weighed nothing at all and still managed to be alive somehow, the disorder would change the rules and shift the goal post. There would always be something I wasn't doing right. I could never be, or being doing enough. The eating disorder will always and forever pick you apart and reduce you to a body and soul of imperfections.

The problem a lot of sufferers have is they think they don’t want to recover, purely out of a place of fear. I didn’t actually want to change for a long time because I was so paralysingly terrified. I felt it was too hard, I didn’t deserve happiness, and I wouldn’t be able to recover even if I tried so I shouldn’t even bother. I used to tell myself there was no way I could ever change this and it’s just how my life is going to be. I told myself it was impossible for me to change and get better. But was that really me talking? Not at all. With an eating disorder you need to question every single thing that you think. A lot of thoughts are not rational and are tangled in a web of disordered thoughts, masking themselves as real and true. The more you question yourself, the easier it will eventually get in learning to separate yourself from the disorder and recover. This is very exhausting to continuously do, and it is absolutely ok to fall down. But it’s so important that you get yourself back up again, and let other people help you up along the way. This disorder will always want to snuff out the good and honest and beautiful parts of you, and it’s time to get angry at that. Don’t let it steal from you.

Life as a recovered anorexic is more beautiful than I imagined, and health is the most valuable thing I have. Now I am actually terrified of not being healthy, because of how much it destroyed me. The power your mind has to change is so incredible, it’s hard to realise. I deeply thought I would always have a bit of eating disorder in me that I would have to live with, but there is no eating disorder left in me anymore. Sometimes it’s even hard for me to remember what it was like to live like I did. I would have laughed if you had told me 5 years ago that I would be totally free of this. To me, that proves that you never truly know how powerful and strong you are, and can be.

Your mindset is so important, never let your hope of achieving things float away. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been ill and it doesn’t matter how shattered you feel, you will always have the potential to give yourself a better life, whether you believe it or not. Don’t aim to just survive, aim to thrive.

Your truest strength is always yourself.

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I wrote this piece for the hospital I went to, in the hopes they can help other eating disorder sufferers recover, or at least find a glimmer of hope. 

Love always, Sarah ♡

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*