#and also bc this is my final semester i don’t wanna risk getting into another media

[elles-home]

just realised i’m consuming one piece at four different ways these days

1. rewatching wano arc (currently act ii. big mom washed up on kuri beach)

2. current manga releases (end of egghead)

3. current anime releases (beginning of egghead)

4. manga read from the beginning (this is the slowest going. only finished three chapters so far)

[moon-ursidae]

SESSION #6

as always, SPOILERS for BOTH of the last of us games below!!!

okay so i want to finish this game before my semester starts on tuesday so i really gotta pick it up haha bc there is still SO MUCH GAME left to play. i haven’t even played as abby yet bros.

total play time: about 6 hours

scavenging is soooo satisfying

but also lonely as fuck without dina

this is probably gonna remind me of the first game of the sections when joel is without ellie and he starts goin ham

FUUUUUCK I DON’T WANNA HURT THE DOGS MAN.

that fucking sucked and i feel awful

i would not be able to live in an apocalypse i have too much empathy

ANUTHA CARD WOOO

again i love the stories being told with the collectibles. it adds so much to the world

oh my god that garage was full of infected lil fuckers

LONG GUN HOLSTER FINALLY

WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAMN SHAMBLERS

NEW BRANCH WOOOOOO

precision?? HOW MANY BRANCHES ARE THERE GODDAMN

I’M PICKING UP ARROWS??? BOW SOON PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I’M BEGGING

oh fuuuuuuuck i feel so bad for this boris guy

i feel like he is also infected in the house i’m currently stood in

damn i was so right

BOOOOOOWWWWWWWW FUCK YEA FINALLY HOLY FUCKING SHIT I’M SO EXCITED

I CAN CRAFT ARROWS?????????

FUUUUUCK DUDE THIS IS DOPE

oh my fucking god i can shoot it while prone.

this is the best day of my life.

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF THESE WLFS????

ohmygod i fuckin finished em

holy fuck bro

stealth is WAYYYYY too fun lmao i love it

THERE’S MORE THAT JUST GOT OUT OF A TRUCK??? UR JOKING.

OH MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH GOING ON AND THE MUSIC IS FUCKIN C R A Z Y

WHO THE FUCK JUST GRABBED ELLIE

JESSE!!!!!!!!!!!

“you think i’d let you do this on your own?” PLEASE THEY ALL CARE ABOUT HER SO MUCH🥺

HE’S LIMPING FUUUCK

HOLY FUCK THIS IS COOL BUT ALSO CRAZY AS FUCK HOLY SHIT

A HORDE?? OH FUCK

CRASHED INTO THE WATER??? THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY DUDE

OUT OF HILLCREST DUDE WE FUCKIN MADE IT WOOOOOOO

oh shit we’re back at the theater?

i love that jesse always hits a stance where he’s leaning

i know ellie isn’t jealous of jesse but rather mad at herself for allowing these people she cares about into a plan that puts them at risk

OH FUCK ANOTHER FLASHBACK????

2 years earlier?? damn so ellie is 17 here?

“i can tell when you’re off.” “let me know if you want to talk about it.” FUUUUCK DUDE THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME CRY TOO🥺

JOURNAL TIME

MORE CAT!

ellie if everyone in jackson knows, joel probably does. he’s got a keen ear

hmmmmm dina is definitely jealous or upset if she’s avoiding you ells

ellie’s so poetic🥹

i’m gonna cry bc of how sweet tommy’s being. i feel like he’s hella underrated. i’m glad we get to see more of him in this game.

“when the barometric temperature gets to.. shit i don’t fuckin know.” LMAOOOOO

“i’m not supposed to say anything, but joel’s worried about you.” classic younger sibling energy

i would know bc it’s me. i’m the younger sibling💀

god this is fucking gorgeous.

THERE HE IS I’M GONNA CRY AGAIN

i wanna know why there’s so much fucking tension between them even before the winter dance. why is ellie distant? is it bc of cat? aftaid that joel will find out? she obviously cares what joel has to think bc she wrote it down in her journal. maybe that’s why?

tommy’s smart for pushing them together to figure out whatever the fuck is goin on rn

LMAO THE LOG BOOK “for those of you wondering, my brother’s still eating with his mouth open. -T.” LMAOOOOOOOO

AND JOEL IS READING SAVAGE STARLIGHT😭

omg i never notice the dark horse comic logo

this is fucking GORGEOUS

i miss joel😭

OMG HE’S TALKING ABOUT SAVAGE STARLIGHT W HER😭😭😭

THIS IS TOO CLOSE TO HOW ME AND MY DAD ARE IT’S MAKING ME SUPER EMOTIONAL

“need a boost?” 😭😭😭😭😭😭

“well hello” “howdy” YYYEEESSSSS

omg wait is this the fuckin patrol ellie mentioned w dina WAYYYYYYY earlier???

joel taking out that bloater??? kinda attractive

“i hear the way jesse talks about you.” damn he really does have NO idea

omg and the clicker???? also attractive

he looks so good w these graphics

if i ever get my hands on a ps5 it’s over for you bitches

“if only they were immune, right?” THE WAY HE WHIPPED HIS HEAD TO LOOK AT HER OOOOOOOOOF

FUCK man

THAT’S what’s bothering her. fuck dude.

oh shit! she’s asking him about it! oh shit!

JOEL STOP LYINNNNNGGGGGGGG

the look on her face tells me she doesn’t believe him

she doesn’t. “i’ve never met another immune person before. have you?” THE WAY HE JUST STANDS THERE FUUUUUCK MAN

“is now really the time for this?” JOEL STOP AVOIDING

“why did you pull me outta there while i was still unconscious?” THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION THO FROM HER POV

“there was no cure.” FUUUUUUUUUUUCK JOEL WHY ARE Y- GGGRRRRR

i wanna knock some sense into him but i also understand his side of it

she’s pissed. i can see it in her eyes bro she is so upset

“is there something else you’d like to rehash?” JOEL. i get that you don’t wanna talk about it man but c’mon.

DAMN. DAMN. well i wanted to know what was bothering her. i found out.

the way that ellie isn’t even fuckin flinching with these stitches speaks volumes

ellieeeeeeeeee girl please REST.

“what?” “nothing.” “good.” ELLIE.

oh my god she really is just gonna fuckin GO.

i have nothing but bad feelings about this

JOURNAL CHECK-IN

“maybe he can help us find these people more quickly. i don’t want to hear anything about turning back.” ellie. it’s consuming you ellie you gotta see that bro.

literally nothing good ever happens at night in tlou

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYY

randy styles💀

i’m ready for it to start storming bitch

what the fuck is up with scars and hanging people??

i’m concerned about this wlf hit list i found on a clickers’s body

what if they’re around here?

oh shit! there’s a not from one of the people that was in the theatre group! he talked about how he got sick and went to go get himself meds i think?

he died in the theatre though so i think this not from paige is for him

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYY

OH SHIT A SAFE AND A CARD WOOOOO

it’s too fuckin quiet in here

WORKBENCH WOOOOO

WHAT THE FUCK????

I KNEW IT WAS TOO QUIET OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME

I HEARD FOOTSTEPS AND TRIED TO CLOSE OUT BUT HE GRABBED ME

BROOOO THESE WERE THE PPL ON THE HIT LIST

WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAYYYYY

let’s try this again yea?

EXPLOSIVES BRANCH??

EXPLOSIVE ARROWS??????????

DAMN. THAT’S FUCKIN COOL. I’M GONNA WAIT THO BC I NEED MORE LISTEN DISTANCE

i feel so smart for figuring that fuckin dumpster thing out so fast

had to S P R I N T to get to that chain dude

holy fucking shit i am FAR from this hospital goddamn

i gotta say i HATE being on my own

wait is this the convention center for pax??

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYY

broooooooo arch-enemy is my fucking favorite so far like this is the the kind of character that i’m always drawn to

I WENT TO CHECK THESE DEAD BODIES, TURNED AROUND, AND GOT FUCKIN JUMPSCARED WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???? WHAT WAS THAT??????

BEING STALKED BY A FUCKING INFECTED? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????

tbh might end on that note bc it is almost 4am and i am losing function in my hands hahaha

i’m saying FUCK NO to that tonight hahaha

i fuckin fell asleep before i posted this last night🤦🏻‍♀️

[misfitgirlonanisland]

New Year’s Resolutions 2021

i’m writing this post with my belly full from one of my countless binge eating series i had this year.

well folks, i know nobody is gonna care to read this post, but i kinda promised myself to do it for my own wellbeing: writing something down is better than just thinking bc i know myself too damn well, i will procrastinate and never take the time for a good face to face talk with said person here (mind to mind talk could do better, to be fair)...anyways, i was getting lost in trivia comments here, let’s get to the point.

There is no easy way to say this but looking back this year has been a failure, i have been a failure. after spending one semester abroad where i had the time of my life and i was loving myself like never before, i was feeling myself, i came back and what did i decided to do? be depressed. and this was even before the whole corona virus damned thing. so i came back and i hated my life, every possible thing i had in my old and boring and monotone life: i hated my place, my town, my life, i hated the chains that tied me to this reality of things and in this world i was forced to live in i even hated myself. i thought it was normal, i told myself i should be gentle and give myself time to realize how golden were the times i had overseas, that that one was a fairytale and i got my call of midnight...well i had no time to adjust to my sucky reality that the pandemic started to blow up. so before i even understood a thing, we were all in this big giant and apocalyptic scenario. i had two weeks of normal everyday life and then the lockdown. OKAY, thank you Jesus, if you hated me you could have just said so... i had to go back home. my depression already kicked in, i came back fat as a pig and at home, where i was even sadder and felt more claustrophobic and lost i kept gaining weight, binge eating the crap out of my shelves.

Result: stretch marks, big and red stretch marks on my inner thighs. now i love stretch marks, but those were a wake up call for me: i always had changes in weight but never this serious... i looked at myself and i wouldn’t even recognize the reflection anymore. i was doing nothing all day, when instead i had to study and work on my assessment for my graduation. i risked my graduation. i was just shocked with myself and began to feel really uncomfortable with my mind: i thought that i have these big dreams and plans for my future but maybe i am not strong enough, not motivated enough. maybe i got it all wrong...

i rebuilt myself: FUCK MY LITTLE BRAIN, FUCK ME! i screamed in my head, i am way stronger than this. i need to get it straight, i need to get it right, i’ve worked my ass off before and i can do it again. i deserve this and i am not gonna throw it all, i am not gonna screw this up!

well...it worked! i was back on track: i started living like a normal and functional human being, i started exercising daily and lost weight, i was feeling strong and regain some mental stability, i felt confident enough to go out and feel kinda fine. i got a friend who helped me get up in the morning, he would call me every morning and hear my rocky morning voice when i confused as fuck don’t even know my name. we would study all day together (skyping like in the early 2000s) and chatting, laughing, i really love him and i am so grateful to have him in my life. my other best friend, well with her i had a pretty rough time with her last semester, but we prepared together our chinese exam and, God, we were on fire. finally my best shrink and adviser, i always run to her whenever i am a wreck cause i know she won’t ever, once, judge me, my kpop queen, she kept me sane, safe and loved. i got past the semester, i got my graduation with full marks and got to pass every fucking admission test for the masters i wanted to attend. each one that i tried, each one of them...i thought i would be happy with what i did, i had to be happy: i mean, i was doing fine! i even had a summer flirt (veeeery brief but you know, it always boosts your confidence a bit)

WHAT WAS I MISSING?

Well...i still have no answer to that!

to be completely honest i was still insecure about my appearance and body, but that i had it all planned: going back to uni for me means going back to a “healthy” lifestyle and it always pays in image, i always feel better and consequently treat me better, like if i were some kind of princess.

So as happy and with my hopes high i start in September this new chapter of my life.

i was doing okay at the beginning: i mean i knew somethings changed, but i got in the master i always wanted and hoped for, i was getting thinner, i was then feeling more confident and i even got to be the crush of a guy who seriously was dying to see me every time he had a chance, i tighten this bond i had with some friends in uni and i love them, i do...but something cracked inside of me

i started to feel all this pain, numbness and void i couldn’t fill with anything. not enough cigarettes or food could help me, but did worse instead. at the beginning it was a matter of some sporadic days, then it lasted for longer and it occurred oftener...to the extent in a month i was counting with my very own hands the days i felt like i could live a normal life. with the second lockdown i decided to stay in my college city, alone at home and this was on one hand a blast, sick in a very positive way, on the other hand i had the freedom to behave like i wanted. so i lost myself various times, i thought about the sense of living, i thought i was not meant for this life, that i had not enough tools or capabilities to survive this lifetime of my own. i didn’t recognize what i wanted to do in life, i didn’t recognize what was i even doing and who i was. the days were just passing by, each one of them the same. i didn’t even care to bother what was the time, what the weather outside was like. i was just spending my life in bed and in the kitchen eating everything passed through my wicked mind.

there i recognized i may be suffering from something a bit too big for my bare self only. but who wanted to go to someone and admit to have once again been defeated at life? not me, not now. no sir! i can do it on my own, i thought...and i was wrong, again.

“get up you undefined mass of lard and bones, get your shit together and do something”. this helped me that time i was beaten pretty bad, after a week and a half i spent in bed, not even having the strength to shower. i got up, eventually, and i did fine. i thought i was doing it again, “who needs to seek help?! i got me, i know how to behave, i know what to do, don’t need nobody but me to get back on track”

and two weeks after another breakdown

and then again, after three/four days, Sergeant G is back! i checked upon myself once again and got back on my feet ready to fight another battle.

i am tired and ashamed, i have to admit i am losing this war. every time i get up i fall, and it takes me more energy every time to believe in myself. i don’t even know how to walk straight anymore, i just know somehow i am gonna trip again.

here i am, dear G, it’s almost 6am, it’s the 31st December 2020 and you have not taken a shower since Xmas’s Eve. It’s not important how i ended up here writing to you, or even how bad i’ve been feeling these days. what’s past is in the past, i told myself i would give me until the new year so i know i am also taking advantage of that...anyways again i am talking too much.

the deal is: you gotta get your life back and we understood you cannot do that alone. i have the exams coming so for now i need to be focused and concentrated on those. after that i am gonna search for someone who can help me understand what’s going on in that head of mine.

it’s been way too long since i last truly enjoyed being myself and being alive. i want to be happy again and laugh again until i cry and feel alive again, i want to fall in love with who i am and with every little thing that makes being alive a gift.

these are my goals:

1. unfortunately my first thought goes to my exams: GOD give me enough mental health to prepare them and pass them

2. fix yourself and love yourself

3. be grateful for what you have and for the opportunities life gives everyday

4. dedicate more time to what makes you you

5. don’t hate yourself over food

6. laugh

7. love

8. enjoy the little things

9. embrace the challenges of life

10. find your way back to you

11. travel

12. dream

13. fight for what you love and for what’s right

14. be kind

15. read more

16. sharpen your cinematic culture| make yourself one

17. don’t stress over what was yesterday and what can be tomorrow, live the present: day by day

18....

these are just some of the simple rules i wanna live by starting from tomorrow. they’re not imperative, some days i can forget to follow them, some days are just big fat NOs, i have to accept it and move on.

until then, be brave little and sick G, see you in 2021, stay alive!