#and as for me i have these gray new balances i got like 2 christmases ago that im a big fan of lol

[feministshawnmendes]

Give In - PT.2

A/N: hiiii okay so I decided to go ahead and post part 2 because why not? I really like these characters but I really don’t know if I’ll continue writing this? Idk I like the concept but I have a couple ideas for oneshots I want to write so we’ll see.

Summary: y/n and Shawn meet in a coffee shop. Featuring a special guest.

_______

Over the weekend Y/N had managed to distract herself with a handful of completely unnecessary and expensive workout classes. She needed something to focus on. Something that wasn’t him. Something that didn’t build up her anxiety around talking to him again. She knew it was probably nothing. But she couldn’t help but speculate what it was he wanted to talk about and she knew that coming up with a list of possibilities would only make her more anxious. So she basically Zumba’d her way through the weekend, scheduling coffee dates and workout classes with her friends as a distraction.

When Monday came she had managed to get through the morning without feeling on edge about her pending meeting with Shawn. Work was what had helped steady her throughout the year since the divorce. She always felt a sense of calm when she was at the office even though she was constantly on the go. The cycle of busyness was in a lot ways a distraction for her - if she was busy with numbers, ad sales, hiring new execs, etc that occupied more time in her mind than dealing with the aftermath of her divorce.

Y/N had breezed through her morning with an easiness she was accustomed to. But when noon rolled around of course she felt on edge. She told her assistant, Kerry, she’d be back in an hour and headed to her car. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to face him again. Didn’t want to sit across from her. Especially not at Alchemist. Why had he picked that place of all places? Sure it was close to her office but it was also their favorite in the early stages of their relationship. The little coffee shop in Koreatown had been her favorite since moving to LA. It felt like there was little left in her life that didn’t remind her of him.

She got there before he did, ordering herself an iced americano and a croissant. She had just taken her seat, reaching for her coffee when Shawn strolled in with Andrew. Her heart sunk. She’d learned over the years that the sight of Andrew wasn’t always good. He’d been there at the beginning stages of their relationship to warn them that they better keep a low profile, had been there to tell them that they needed to keep their relationship private when news finally leaked about them, he’d strongly advised that they wait to get married - saying Shawn was at the height of his career and that he’d get swept away with married life, he was there to tell them to really consider what having a kid might do for Shawn’s career - the balance of attentive father and Rockstar hard to manage. He’d also been there at the beginning stages of their divorce, coaching Y/N heavily on what she could and couldn’t say about the divorce just like he’d coached Shawn. She loved Andrew and she knew that throughout the years his concern always came from a good place - he’d been by Shawn’s side for years and wanted him to succeed as much as Shawm himself did. Still, Andrew was often the bearer of bad news and harsh criticism.

Shawn’s eyes scanned the small coffee shop, his eyes landing on Y/N as she sipped her iced americano. She waved at him and Andrew, both of them smiling as they waved back. Shawn whispered something to Andrew, who nodded before going to the counter to order. Shawn shrugged off the gray zipped hoodie he was wearing as he made his way over to Y/N. He was wearing a pair of black jeans and a loose white t-shirt with a pair of adidas. He’d always been such a simple dresser.

“Hey,” he breathed as he threw his jacket over the back of the chair across from her, pulling it out and plopping down with a sigh. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” She said easily even though she could feel her stomach filling with nerves. He smiled, nodding as his eyes shifted down to see that she’d gotten what she always did. He couldn’t help but smile wider. Y/N, as much as she was game for a new adventure, had always managed to in so many ways be predicable. “How’s the new album going?”

Shawn’s eyes met hers again, his smile gently falling as he shifted in his chair. She’d figured that he’d been writing. Adrian had been coming home - saying daddy had let him play a few chords on his guitar, that he’d gotten to watch daddy sing in his music room, that daddy had let him sing whatever he wanted into the microphone in one of the music rooms.

“How’d you...” He started, Y/N’s lips curving into an uneasy smile.

“Adrian’s not the best at keeping secrets,” she chuckled. Shawn couldn’t help but laugh too, sinking a little in his seat as he crossed his arms over his chest. Y/N played with the straw in her drink, swirling it around nervously as she stared up at Shawn.

He sighed, sitting up straighter and leaning forward, setting his elbows on the table in front of him. “Listen, Y/N. I know there’s already been a lot of talk about whether or not I’m gonna write about the divorce on this album and - I...”

“Does Andrew want to coach me again?” She interjected, her tone flat. Everything felt so mechanical sometimes with these things - she’d been fed what to say to fans and journalists so many times by Andrew and publicists that it became routine. She took a sip of her coffee, her eyes fixed on Shawn.

“Look I didn’t want - “ he started before getting cut off by Andrew who said a quick and excited hello to y/n. He set two Americanos on the table before opening his arms, y/n standing up and giving him a quick hug.

“You look great, Y/N” Andrew beamed as he took a seat next to Shawn. She gave a curt smile, knowing what was coming. Andrew gave a short nod and took a long sip of his coffee. “Listen. I’m not here to coach you, Y/N. I think we all know you’re smart enough to figure out what to say on your own by now. We’re actually here to talk business”

“Okay,” She said, crossing her legs and straightening up in her seat. “Shoot.”

“There’s been a lot of speculation about whether or not any of the songs on Shawn’s next album are about the divorce. Obviously, some are and everyone will figure out which ones are but we don’t want that to be the dominating narrative surrounding this next album release. People already think that the divorce has been messy - with all the unfollowing and then refollowing on socials and the pictures of separate Christmases and what not. We want you to be a united front prior to the album release - to paint a picture of happy co-parents. You know how this goes, y/n. I also know that you know you can say no.”

“I’m confused,” She said suddenly. “I mean - sure things at the beginning were messy but I never thought that people had this idea that we weren’t successfully co-parenting Adrian.”

“Well,” Andrew sighed. “The general perception is that you two are amicable - at best - but definitely not the picture perfect example of how to happily co-parent. You guys are hardly photographed at school events together, you celebrate holidays separately. Look, everyone was used to your relationship being very public for a very long time. And all of a sudden all of that has ended - people are bound to speculate what that means about what’s happening behind closed doors.”

“So what?” Y/N breathed out. “What is it you’re asking, exactly? Give me specifics before I give you my answer”

“All we want is a couple public outings together over the next couple of months, a picture or two of the three of you celebrating Christmas together posted to your socials. Enough to put people’s suspicions to rest of you two having a messy divorce.”

She could have said no. Could have angrily huffed away and refused to be part of this stupid game. She’d always struggled with this part of Shawn’s life. Feeling like she always had to be aware of how everyone was perceiving her and what they thought about her and Shawn. Always feeling like she had to say yes. That’s ultimately what had lead to their divorce. Shawn, like always, dealt with everything with ease. At least the public part of it he’d managed to deal with well. Always putting people’s minds at ease, always speaking candidly about whatever concerns or rumors had been swirling about. Y/N had grown to love Shawn’s fans and the way they loved him but the scrutiny was hard to deal with. She had always been self-critical and after her and Shawn had gone public - her insecurities only intensified. Shawn tried his best to understand it but his fierce loyalty to his fans sometimes blinded him. He’d tell her they loved her, even if they didn’t. Even if they did, she wasn’t built the same way he was to brush off the criticism. He had been doing it for years - his career and his art meaning more to him than any amount of criticism and scrutiny. She didn’t have as big of a stake as he had in it all - and he didn’t understand that.

“You can say no,” Shawn had finally spoken up. Y/N sighed as she shook her head and grabbed her purse from the back of her chair, sliding it over her shoulder. Shawn’s eyes stayed glued on her as she stood up abruptly and grabbed her drink from the table, looking down at Shawn and Andrew - both of them wide eyed.

“Fine.” She said simply.

“Y/N -“ Shawn started.

“I have a couple phone calls with some big clients to make. Is that it?” She asked with a cold look, looking down at her phone. Andrew nodded, knowing not to challenge her. As much as Andrew called the shots when it came to Shawn’s public image, over the years he’d developed a healthy fear of Y/N , knowing well enough that she was calculated and capable enough to call the shots if she really wanted to. She’d done it before.

“That’s it.” He answered, folding his hands together and setting them on the table as she nodded back. She muttered a quick goodbye, her heart racing and her eyes burning as she walked quickly past the two men and out the door. She thanked God for what felt like the privacy that Koreatown provided. She and Shawn had rarely - if ever - managed to get photographed in Koreatown.

She didn’t want to cry but the scratch that had begun to tickle her throat was inching its way up and it only seemed to get worse the faster she rushed to her car, her grip on her iced coffee tightening as she got closer. She knew she didn’t owe it to him. Knew she had the option to say no. But she hated that she couldn’t. Hated that after all this time - he’d still prioritized all of it above everything else. She knew he loved Adrian. Knew that he cared about him more than anything in the world. But she still was mad at him for choosing to be gone so much. Hated that she had to be the one to take care of their little boy while Shawn was out doing what he loved the most. She knew he would have stopped. He would have come home. Would have stopped all of it for a little bit if she asked him to. But she knew she never could. She couldn’t ask him to stop being Shawn Mendes.

“Y/N!” His voice called out as she shakily tried to find her car keys in her purse while still managing to hold her iced coffee. She ignored him, digging desperately as she felt her eyes glaze over. Maybe she could learn to hate him.

Finally, her fingers met the cold metal of her keychain tucked at the bottom of her bag. She pulled out her keys, unlocking the car, tears rolling onto her cheeks as her body shook as she tried to control her emotions. She’d grown used to trying to suppress everything but over the past year it felt like it was every day she was having to manage her emotions, to stop herself from crying. She felt exhausted from all of it, from no longer being able to control herself.

She went to climb into her car, reaching for the door handle when she saw Shawn move closer to her. She moved away from him as he tried to reach out for her. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d touched her and the thought of it felt foreign to her. Scary.

“Hey,” he said in a hushed tone, noticing her teary eyes and wet cheeks. “Oh hey hey hey -“

“Shawn please -“ She hiccuped, caught off guard by her own inability to handle her emotions. She sighed, a defeated breath leaving her lips as she closed her eyes and another tear rolled down her cheek. In all the years they’d been together Shawn had only really seen y/n seriously cry a handful of times. She always teared up while watching sad movies or the news but she rarely ever cried besides that. She’d cried when he’d proposed, when Adrian had been born and when she’d told him she was filing for divorce. She’d always been the steady one in their relationship - providing an emotional steadiness that he’d needed. She didn’t worry much, didn’t get angry too easily. She was always pretty level headed and even tempered. Which made her decision to file for a divorce even more shocking to him.

“I don’t want a picture of me crying in front of you circulating. It’ll only add to the speculation,” She choked out. Her eyes were starting to get puffy, like they always did when she cried. She could feel her cheeks growing red. She didn’t look at him, keeping her hand on the door handle, ready to escape as soon as possible.

Shawn was quiet, shoving his hands in his pockets as he watched y/n try to steady her uneven breathing. Even after everything, she was so concerned about him. Even in the middle of crying she was looking out for him. He’d fallen in love with the way loving him seemed so easy to her. The way she didn’t have to think twice about going along with whatever he threw her way. She always had questions, concerns and frustrations but they had always been able to sort through it all. He’d said so many dark and harsh things to her in the midst of their divorce - yet here she was, still choosing to be on his side in ways he knew he hadn’t been for her. Here she was, always the steady one between the two of them. Little did he know that this had become her new normal. Crying because of him.

She’d managed to steady her breathing, her tears less frequent as she dusted the tears from her cheeks. She sighed, her baby hairs yet again managing to poke out of her bun. She looked over at Shawn, whose eyes hadn’t left her. She wanted to cry again but she stopped herself.

He couldn’t help but fall in love with her all over again. He always did. Everything she did made him fall even harder. That’d been part of their problem. They saw all the good parts in each other, idealizing each other. Neither of them were good at dealing with the less than perfect parts of their relationship. Looking at her, puffy eyed and out of breath from crying should have turned him off but it made him so painfully aware that he was still hopelessly in love with her.

He’d always been amazed by how she was so effortlessly beautiful. Not in the predicable way that you’d imagine but in the unexpected way that always caught him off guard. He remembered the first time he’d looked at her and realized that he had feelings for her. He’d known her for well over a year, she had integrated herself effortlessly into his friend group after Andrew had introduced them to each other. They were at some swanky party that was put together for one of the big sponsors of his upcoming tour. She was making the rounds, as she always did, talking to execs and big deal business people with ease. He couldn’t remember what she was wearing exactly but he remembered thinking how beautiful she looked and how he couldn’t stop looking over at her. He remembered when she’d finally made her way over to him and their friends, watching her face light up when she started talking about a new client at a nonprofit that she was excited to work with. He remembered how watching her and listening to her passionately talk about the important work the nonprofit was doing, and her excitement to help them made his whole body tingle in a way it never had. He remembered watching her and slowly feeling a lightness creep into his chest. She had so comfortably reached out and set a hand on his arm when she got particularly excited, something she always did but something that felt different as he fell hopelessly in love with her within seconds.

That night had changed his whole life. They’d known each other for a while but that night he’d wanted to know everything about her. He wanted to spend as much time with her. He had wanted to kiss her that night, offering to take her home when she had confessed that she’d had maybe one too many free glasses of wine. Instead he took her home and asked her if she was doing anything the next day. She’d said, “no dummyyyy it’s Saturday!” in her tipsy state. They’d agreed to meet for coffee the next day as they stood in the doorway of her apartment, Shawn telling her he’d pick her up and drive her to her abandoned car the next day. She had laughed and confessed how embarrassed she was, making it so much easier for Shawn to fall hopelessly in love with her.

Watching her wet eyelashes kiss her tan cheeks, Shawn wanted nothing more than to tell her. To spill his guts like he always did. But he didn’t.

“Hey,” he whispered, bravely deciding to reach out and let his fingers brush against her cheek. He hated the way she naturally leaned into his touch. It made it all so much harder knowing that she wasn’t his. But, for now, he was thankful that she didn’t coil away. He’d missed the way her skin felt underneath his touch, her face smooth as his thumb wiped away the moisture on her cheek.

She wished that just the simple feeling of his hand cupping her face didn’t comfort her instantly but it did. She’d spent so many nights crying, missing the way he’d always been able to comfort her but knowing that he could no longer be that person for her.

He wanted to say something else, wanted to make her feel better. Try and distract her and keep her close like he always used to. But he didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if she wanted that.

She felt his fingers twitch as they moved away from her cheek, going to smooth down the little hairs that were framing her face, his hand going back to cup her face like it always had when he’d push her hair away from her face. Only this time his thumb hovered over her lips, daring to run across them like he had done so many times before. His eyes danced across her face, trying to read her expression. He’d done it so many times before but obviously things were different. There were new boundaries now. What they were? Neither of them was sure. He let out a shallow breath, his hot breath hitting her lips.

“Hey,” He whispered as his thumb settled at the corner of her mouth, running across it soothingly. His eyes were glued to her lips, noticing the way they were parted. He’d kissed her so many times before that he’d never imagined what it might be like to not be able to. He noticed the way he was leaning into her instinctively, kissing her feeling like second nature. He’d noticed the way she pulled back the moment he’d lost grip of what he was doing. She removed herself from his touch, his hand falling to his side.

“Y/n I’m sorry. I didn’t - “

“Hey,” She started, shaking her head. “It’s fine. Let’s not talk about it”

But he wanted to. He wanted to tell her so badly.

“It’s just instinct, you know” She laughed dryly. “It was an accident”

But it wasn’t. Sure it was instinct, his body reacting to her the way it always had but an accident? He wanted even more to tell her that it wasn’t, that kissing her was sometimes the only thing he felt sure about.

“Hey,” She said, wiping away the remaining tears from her face, able to so quickly compose herself. He never understood how she did it. How she managed to so quickly move on from whatever she was feeling. How she was able to push aside any worries or anxieties she might have. “Adrian’s class has a field trip to Santa Monica this Friday. What says “happy co-parents” more than chaperoning together?”

He couldn’t help but laugh a little, his lips curving into a huge smile as she gave him one of her bright smiles. Here she was again, being on his side. Ignoring the fact that she’d been crying minutes earlier, instead trying to find a solution to his problem. He wanted even more to reach out and kiss her or even just touch her. But now he knew where she stood. Knew that as much as he’d prayed that she’d change her mind, she wasn’t going to.

“Yeah that’d be cool,” he smiled. “Uh - can you email me the chaperone form? I’m assuming you already have it on file?”

She laughed and nodded. He knew her too well.

“Yeah I will,” She said quietly. They quickly said their goodbyes, y/n getting into her car and pulling away from the parking lot in record speed. She wanted to be sad. Wanted to cry about how unfair everything was. But all she could think about was how he’d touched her. How it was the first time in a year that they’d been that close. She hated the way that such a small gesture had made her stomach flare up and had put her worries at ease. She hated that all she could think about now was Friday and being with him. She had been set on finally trying to hate him just a little and in a matter of minutes he had made it impossible.