#and at this rate i've waited too long and probably won't be able to apply for / get in anywhere even if i do apply

[shiningstages]

Not to vent out loud, but it’s not helpful to my current mindset when my internship both praises my writing while also adding a million edits and making it feel like the compliments are lies as a result. All the people are nice, but I just feel lowkey put down more and feel more frustrated with my life because of it, and I can’t wait to be over with it in late August.

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

Rating: G cuz I got nothin.

Word count: 873

Summary: Winry wheedled Ed into trying out for the musical with her. He agreed, assuming he could back out after auditions. And then he got the lead. OR Putting the drama in drama class, ft. pettiness, stage kissing, and applying stage makeup for friends that are totally just friends

Winry ran up to Edward, gasping for breath and grinning. "Ed! Did you see the cast list yet?"

Ed frowned. "Cast list? I thought I'd be able to back out after the stupid audition."

Winry groaned and rolled her eyes. "Back out? No, dummy, if you audition, you're asking to be considered for a role, and you take what you get. Now are you going to look or do I have to give you the news myself?"

"What do I care? It's not like I got anything special. I wasn't even trying that hard."

She put her hands on her hips. "So you're telling me that you weren't even trying at the audition and somehow got the lead?"

"I what?!"

"You got the lead, Ed! You're Curly!"

"No! This is all a big mistake! I don't know how to act! And who wants to play a guy with a stupid name like Curly, anyway?"

"Like, every guy that tried out," Winry said bluntly.

"Ugh, this is gonna be a nightmare. What about you, gearhead? You're the one who actually wanted to try out. Did you make it in?"

"Oh, I'm just one of the extras, but I'm not complaining too much. I've got so much homework from my A.P. classes, I hardly even know left from right anymore. Having that many lines to memorize probably wouldn't be good for my health," she said with a laugh.

"But you were actually trying out seriously! And I've heard you sing. If I had any say in it, you'd get the lead role, not me," Ed huffed.

"I'm not that good, Ed. Besides, it's way harder to get any kind of lead as a girl."

"Why?"

Winry sighed. "You know nothing about theatre, do you? Barely any guys ever try out, but there are always a ton of girls."

"Their loss, then. You're going to be an amazing whatever-you-are."

"Well, I think you're going to blow everyone away as Curly. At least, as long as you actually try to do a good job," she said, raising an eyebrow.

*****

"I still can't believe Brother is actually in the musical. I didn't think he'd touch the theatre department with a ten-foot pole," Alphonse remarked. "Have you gotten the scripts yet?"

"Yeah, we just got them yesterday," Winry said. "I take it he hasn't even looked at the script yet?"

"If he has, he hasn't told me," Al sighed. "So...I don't know about the stage version, but I know in the movie for Oklahoma!, they kiss. Are we gonna tell him or just let him find out when he reads the script himself?"

"They WHAT?!" Ed screeched as he whipped open the door. "Nope, I'm not doing it. I don't care what Ms. Catalina says. I'm not kissing some random girl!"

Winry dragged a hand over her face. "Ed, can you not be stubborn for once, if that's all it is? Ms. Catalina's got enough on her plate as it is without you making the rehearsals more complicated. It's not like this is the only class she teaches. I know it's not ideal, but it's just a quick peck. Unless...are you nervous because it's your first kiss or something?"

"No! It's not my first—ugh, fine, I'll do it. But it doesn't mean I'm not gonna wanna vomit afterwards." Ed averted his eyes as the color on his cheeks betrayed his feelings.

"As long as you stay in character, no one's going to complain." Winry shrugged, then fully processed what he had said. "Wait a second, what do you mean it won't be your first? Who else did you kiss?"

"Don't—dont worry about it. I said I'd do it. Anyways, I've got a lot of calc homework. I'll be in my room," Ed stuttered out.

If Winry didn't remember, Ed sure wasn't going to tell her. It's not like it counted for much, anyway. They were only seven, after all. At seven, no one can turn down a double dog dare, and Russell laughed at Ed right after he did it. But even so, Ed couldn't help but kiss her softly.

He vaguely remembered Russell sneering in the background, "Oooooh, I knew you had a crush on Winry! Wait till I tell Fletcher!" Ed would have chased him down and tackled him, too, if Winry's face hadn't made him pause.

Even ten years later, Ed couldn't forget how her little mouth formed into an 'o' as her eyes opened wide and her cheeks that were still a little chubby turned pink. Of course, he'd been a coward and run away right after that, but he remembered it all the same.

Did he want to kiss her now that he was in high school? Of course not—probably. Well, it'd at least be better to know what he was dealing with. Known factors and all that. What if the girl who played Laurey was a super slobbery kisser? Yuck. Even worse, what if he was the bad kisser? Maybe he should research how to be a good kisser… So that he would be good at his role, of course. Yeah. It was going to make for an awkward browsing history, though. Maybe he should go incognito…

A/N: It was supposed to be short. And then I finished this part and stopped and said "this is almost scratching 1k and I've barely even started it yet. This is just gonna be a multichapter now." Might only be two chapters, but we'll see...

[misscrazyfangirl321]

@badthingshappenbingo prompt fill for anonymous, who requested Lucy/Wyatt "Panic Attack."

Fandom: Timeless

Trope: Panic Attack

Rating: T

Warnings: References to canonical past child abuse

Canon Divergence post 2x10.

-

He couldn't breathe.

Fluorescent lights hummed, seeming far too loud around him. Was this how Lucy felt when she got into the Lifeboat? How did she do it? The walls seemed to be closing in on him, suffocating him, trapping him in the tiny bunker washroom, with nothing but his own reflection for company.

(His reflection. Not his father's. Right? But the bunker always seemed so dark, the lights were flickering and weak, and in the shadows, he could almost see the man who broke him.)

He was fine. Not broken. Not damaged. He drove the truck into the lake, and he was fine.

“I'm fine,” he snapped, the words echoing in the nearly empty room. Taunting him. (Even his voice was the same, these days.) “I'm not him. Okay? I'm fine. I'm-” His words were lost in a growl as he struck, punching the wall in front of him, throwing every ounce of frustration into the action.

“Wyatt?” The door opened, just a crack, and Lucy's soft voice floated through. He didn't-couldn't-look.

“Yeah?” His hand throbbed, and he glanced down, wincing. His knuckles were cracked and bloody.

“Are you-” She hesitated. “Are you okay?” Unsure. Cautious. It wasn't right. That wasn't Lucy. She wasn't cautious or unsure of anything. (Until him. He messed that up, messed her up, just like he messed everything up. Jessica. Jiya. Rufus. What on earth was he going to do with a kid?)

“I'm-” Fine, he tried to say, but the word stuck in his throat. He ordered his brain to force it out, but it just wouldn't come. “I'm-”

Footsteps. She was coming toward him, slow but steady. “Wyatt?” He couldn't answer. Her hand rested on his arm, tentatively, and he absently noted that it was the first time she'd touched him since that horrifying day, when he'd been so angry and afraid that he'd caught her in a strike meant for Flynn. He could hardly stand to think of it. He could still see her, in his mind's eye, her hand flying to her mouth, tears springing up in her eyes.

A soft gasp distracted him from his thoughts, and he turned his attention back to Lucy. Her gaze was fixed on his hands, soft and horrified. “What happened?”

Suddenly ashamed, he pulled away. “It was nothing. I was just… Being stupid. It's stupid. Don't worry about it.” He needed to get out of there. Where he was going to go, he wasn't sure, because everywhere he turned, there were traces of Jessica, or darting glances from betrayed teammates, but he couldn't stay there anymore, couldn't stand her looking at him with such gentle concern. “I need to-”

“Wait.” Quiet, but firm. Unyielding. (Now, that sounded more like Lucy.) “Let me…” She maneuvered around him, as he stood frozen, unable to refuse her.

Within seconds, she had a warm, wet rag, and was reaching for his hands. For just a brief second, she hesitated, and he could practically feel the memories tugging at her, just as they tugged at him, but then she swallowed hard, and set to work. Slowly, with impossible care, she ran the rag over each knuckle, never applying too much pressure, just enough to rinse away the blood.

He couldn't find his voice, so he simply watched, mouth half-open, grasping for words that weren't there.

With the work of cleaning done, she moved on to a small bottle of ointment, dipping her fingers in, and applying it to the damaged skin. It was cold, and he couldn't help but flinch in surprise. “Sorry,” she murmured, finishing up the last knuckle.

His racing heart had calmed a little, and he took a breath, shaking his head. “‘s fine.” How did she do it? How could she calm him down when the entire world seemed to be spinning out of control? (And why would she, after the things he'd done?)

She didn't respond, but started rifling through the cabinets again, searching for something else.

Without quite meaning to, he spoke.

“I'm going to have a kid.”

She stilled for a brief moment, before continuing, responding in a deceptively light tone. “I know.”

Right. Of course she did. Of course she knew that he got his wife pregnant, while she was right down the hall. This whole bunker thing didn't really allow for healthy breakups, did it? “I don't-Lucy, you know what my dad was like. I can't just-” He groaned, shutting his eyes tightly. “I don't know how to be a dad.”

A soft pressure on his hand distracted him, and he opened his eyes to see her wrapping it in gauze. “You don't have to-” He started, but she shook her head warningly, and he didn't push. The last thing he wanted to do was tell her what to do-again-so he just went silent.

At length, she spoke. “I think you'll be a great dad.” Her voice was so quiet, he could barely hear her, but the words settled in his soul, nonetheless.

“I'm just… So scared I'm going to hurt them.” The images wouldn't leave his mind. Him getting a little too angry. Lashing out. His child-

“You won't,” she said firmly, tucking the gauze in place. Nodding in satisfaction at her work, she stepped back, looking him up and down. “You’re not your father, Wyatt. You don't have to be like him.”

He wanted to believe her, wanted it badly, but uncertainty clawed at him, and he reached out, grabbing the sink in front of him to steady himself. “How? How do I keep from becoming… That?” He shuddered a little at the thought.

There was an odd note to her voice when she answered. “You look at everything your father did that hurt you, and you make sure to never do that to anyone else. Especially your kid.” Her eyes were steely and determined, and he wasn’t quite sure she was talking about him. “You don't let him define you. And…” She faltered. “If you really want to know about being a father…” He realized where this was going a half-second before she said it. “Maybe you should talk to Flynn.”

“Absolutely not,” He answered automatically, and she scoffed.

“He's not so bad, you know? And he's been a lifesaver since he got out of prison. Literally.”

There was some truth to that, of course. Flynn had been more than picking up his slack during the entire Jessica debacle, and it hadn't escaped Wyatt's notice. Honestly, maybe that was the worst of it: The man who had hurt them all was now being weirdly reliable, and even trustworthy. Maybe he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But the thought of going to him, of asking him for parenting advice, of all things… It was humiliating. “Maybe,” he allowed, and she eyed him skeptically, but didn't push.

“Good.” She gave him a final once-over, as if looking for any other damage, before turning to go.

‘You look at everything your father did you hurt you, and you make sure to never do that to anyone else.’

What had his father done? He'd called him horrible things, locked him in the trunk of a car, beaten him within an inch of his life…. And never even apologized.

Suddenly determined, he cleared his throat. “Lucy?” She hesitated, and he took a breath. All this time, and he hadn't apologized since that first day, hadn't even been able to find the words for it. How do you apologize for breaking someone's heart when you were supposed to protect it? But he knew it was time. “I'm sorry.”

She started to shake her head, brushing him off, but he stood his ground. “I need to say this. Ever since Jessica came back, the only thing I've done is hurt you.” His gaze darted to a bruise near her lip. Probably from Emma, but it could have just as easily come from him. “Believe me, that's the last thing I ever wanted to do. So I'm going to try to do better. But if I do something stupid again…” Oh, he was gonna regret this. “Tell Flynn he can punch me.”

A startled laugh slipped from her lips. (And oh, that felt good. Being the one to make her laugh-really laugh-again? He loved it.) “Thank you, Wyatt. Really.” She hesitated. Smiled at him, small but sincere. “You're a good man.”

It was utterly untrue, and he knew it, but something in the conviction of her words made him want to believe it, nonetheless. He wanted to wrap himself up in them, to play them on repeat in his head until they drowned out his father's voice, angry and destructive.

Instead, he took a breath, and looked up at the mirror. His own reflection stared back, not a ghost of a man long gone, and he exhaled, a hint of a smile flickering across his face.

For the first time in ages, he was calm.

[existentialstatesofmind]

Opening Up

Clare: stared at him for a long moment in disbelief. She understand why he hid the friendship before Makayla’s death and how it might seem easier at first to keep up the lie. His brothers just assumed he was still mourning their dad. Trying correct them would hurt. However, secrets festered until they destroyed everything. Family secrets were the worst of all. “I know they’re immature but do you really think they’re going to poke fun about your best friend’s death? Kota, if you never tell them won’t it eventually ruin your relationship with them? And Dom is your twin. He knows there’s more to the story. No one will ever hear it from me. I only feel like I have to encourage you tell them someday when you’re ready because I care about you.” Clare made a sympathetic face when Kota said it was a mystery. “Maybe one day it’ll turn up.” She said softly. Her eyebrows shot up when Kota said he was already in college. “Jesus, Dakota. I’ve heard of kids who are homeschooled getting so far ahead that they end up taking dual-enrollment courses at thirteen but it is really rare. What lead to your mom’s suggestion? Did you take an IQ test?” Clare’s tone of voice made it clear she was very impressed and more surprised than skeptical. She’d taken one in elementary school. Her parents never told her the results, they just made it clear she was ‘special’ and had different expectations than Darcy. They groomed Clare to attend an ivy league school. “I can’t imagine what it was like to be treated as an equal by adults and older kids. My sister got so mad when I corrected her papers or work sheets. She would never admit she took my advice. She stopped making the same mistakes though. I did work from her school books for fun and she hated that too.” Clare gave Kota a long searching look. “Are you going to keep going to Degrassi? Wouldn’t you rather go to college full time? Simpson usually doesn’t let anyone graduate more than a year early but technically everyone in the gifted program could graduate at that point, and you’re way ahead of the rest of us. My parents want me to have a really strong college application so I never thought they’d let me apply early. Or leave home before I turn 18. I dream about it anyway. They want me to go to law school. I could do it. Not my passion so I won’t. Katie is thinking about my pitch for the paper, by the way.” Clare hadn’t wasted any time. She watched more of the DVD with a big smile on her face as Kota shared some of the things he’d studied with Makayla while they were at the beach. “Yeah, you can tell she was interested since she didn’t pour a bucket of sand on your head.” She giggled softly. “Do you still believe in the String of Fate?” Clare asked her voice taking on a more serious tone. She liked to read the different theories of soulmates. She didn’t rule any of them out. She had a harder time with certain aspects of Greek mythology. Or anything else that clashed with her religious beliefs about the world’s formation. Clare moved closer to Kota on the couch and gently kissed him. “Two is plenty. I know it’s not easy for anyone.” Makayla’s family wasn’t paying much attention to the DVD probably for that reason. “You can tell me anything else Makayla would share.”

Kota: bit his lip upon hearing Clare's words. "Yes, they'd use it against me. I had gotten mad at Ash at one point and told him about my first kiss to make him jealous, now if I were to tell him she died a few hours later if we ever got into a heated argument he'd subconsciously yell it out and the same goes for all of them. Apparently I'm the only male in the house that can remain level headed during an argument,but that's mainly because as I listen to them I also try to quickly figure out a way to get them to shut up. My brothers and I only fight over stupid things because when I do something they don't like they talk to me or tell me in a heated argument and I would know to hide it from them. Not telling them won't ruin anything, if they do pester I'll tell them something like I took machanics and engineering and failed." he explained knowingly. He listened to Clare as she spoke and asked questions. "I did take the IQ test when I was twelve and got a perfect score, that lead to my mom's suggestion." He understood why her parents wouldn't let her apply early and didn't blame them. "I am going to continue going to Degrassi and going to college full time isn't something I want to do. I had that option when I was 8 and tried it out for a weekend. I didn't know what I wanted to major in and I favor more than one subject so it was hard determining a major which you need to know to go into being a full time student since they need to place you in classes. They did tell me that since I was 8 I could spend the next ten years of my life getting degrees in various majors and while that seemed pleasing, I thought of not being able to spend recess with Makayla, not having more than one friend my age, not having a winter vacation due to the homework load, the possibility of not getting a girlfriend until I'd meet someone my age in college, and graduating college with a degree meant I couldn't go back. I didn't want to miss out on anything so I decided that I'd take my time growing up, attend prom, meet kids my own age, and have a childhood. I did talk to Simpson before I started Degrassi because he thought it would be a mistake to accept me when I'd just be too far ahead of everyone, I explained the same thing to him that I did to you just now and he agreed to accept me as long as I would tell him when I'm getting bored of attending and wanted to graduate. He told me I could graduate whenever I wanted to due to the circumstances, he didn't and still doesn't want me to feel like I'm holding myself back. With leaving home early, it's the same in every country I've been to, you need to get emancipated and the only way allowed is if your parents are moving outside of the city and documents have to be filled out, but even the emancipation documents in Japan and they expunged. In Japan, you'll meet more people our age living away from home than you will here due to their high emancipation rate, although that isn't always the case, some kids in our school are orphans and there are various instances where you are able to live on your own before 18. As well as one other case, but that other case is rare. I only know of one instance in where that other case is valid and you'll know too, in due time." he informed, though it could wait since they are going to Japan, Clare will be able to see it firsthand. "About the paper, I think it's a great idea, when we get there I can have you talk to Yamamishi-san and have him teach you about the Curtural Festival that way you stay busy when I'm in Kendo Club, my friend Momo said she can pick up Emi from day care so that's all planned." he smiled happy that Katie accepted her idea. "Yes, I still believe in the Red String of Fate theory along with a few others." he smiled and nodded. "I really don't know what Makayla would share." he shrugged and smiled at her. "Is there anything you want to know?" he asked and watched Jill stumble into the room and immediately ran to catch her before she fell. He put a hand on her head and sighed. "She's running a fever." he informed Clare and got medicine for Jill and tried to give it to her only for it to spill from the corners of her mouth. "She's just like her sister." he chuckled before putting the dosage in his mouth and giving it to her orally, then getting a war, cloth to put on her head. "Makayla got over excited once and didn't sleep when she came to school the next day she fainted and had a high fever, I had to give her medicine orally too." he stated honestly and drank some soda to wash the taste of medicine from his mouth.