#and everybody always praised me and stuff and i was so goddamn afraid of disappointing my family that i fainted on my desk while doing hw at
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idk if i rlly am unable to feel intense hate for something or i conditioned myself into thinking that hating soemthing makes me even more of a bad person so i refuse to feel such things HMMM
#cw rant#ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ idle chit chat#IDK❕i was always known as that one really caring and generous big sister#and whenever i express that i am upset i always get told 'why are you being like that?' and idk . perhaps ive been too nice to people#ALSO WHEn I RANT ABT STUFF LIKE THIS IM NOT LIKE . SAD ABT IT .#i just genuinely wonder hawuhhebfil#but yeah i think the emotional invalidation that i grew up with fucked me up like that LMAO#ngl i dont rlly even feel VERY strongly abt anything???#i know that my posts here on tumblr r very like yk energetic and BAM BAM but when it comes to irl i just . dont hklwhjr#gosh i am the exact opposite of my online self its so weird#thinking back on it though my childhood rlly shaped me into who i am today in maybe not so very good ways huhu#my childhood was pretty good though . it could be way way worse but there were very miniscule things that rlly impacted the way i behave😭#like 4 example the expectations set on me as a child was ABSURDLY high .#and everybody always praised me and stuff and i was so goddamn afraid of disappointing my family that i fainted on my desk while doing hw at#10 yrs old . yeah . JUST 10 YRS OLD#fainted due to overworking hawjgvhfk#also i was going to like . 2 schools at the time so like the stress was doubled hahahah darkest time of my life fr#ngl i like being my own therapist a lot and psychoanalyzing myself and my own thoughts🔎#its pretty interesting. the way i think ;0
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