#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

magioftheseas · 6 years

Text

Setting Sail/Departure

First part! Second part! Third part! And this is the LAST part!

Summary: Komaeda hallucinates his past self as he deals with the aftermath of the NWP and despair. With all that's happened, it's difficult to figure out how he feels about it. But perhaps there is some closure he can seek.

Rating: M

Warnings: Surreality with disturbing and suggestive themes. Hospitals, mental instability and breakdown, depictions of violence, mentions of death and injuries, and attempted murder. Also this fic is 22K words long.

Notes: Last fic and this one’s a doozy! Hopefully it’s a good ending or at least a good...fic. Cross-posting this was unsurprisingly hell. Thanks Komaeda. Love you, too. Anyway, so we finally get to sdr2′s ending theme which is the most uplifting of the four songs! Hopefully this ending is uplifting, too.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

The recovery of the remnants had been a complete success. All comatose students had been awoken, with himself as the last one. By all accounts, this should be means for celebration. Probably.

It’s even a clear, perfect day outside, as though hope itself shone on the horizon. Nary of cloud of despair in sight. Just vibrant, carefree, endless blue.

Funny, he doesn’t actually feel that way at all. He just feels...cold, he supposes. Cold and vacant.

But that’s typically how he always feels when stuck in a hospital room by himself.

“Komaeda? You’re up?”

Komaeda perks up, blearily turning in the direction of that voice. That person freezes for a moment, not unlike Hinata, and then they relax, expression smoothing over into calm unreadability, not unlike Kamukura.

He’s still not exactly sure who and what this person is.

But he still thinks of them mostly as Hinata-kun for the sake of simplicity. And Kamukura-kun for moments that went beyond that.

“Even though you don’t really know nor actually remember Kamukura-kun all that well.”

Komaeda waves that other voice off, trying to focus at least somewhat on the person physically in the same room as him.

“I’m up.” A moment of hesitation. “Good morning, Hinata-kun. Or is it good afternoon? Aha, the clock in this room is still broken, you see...”

Hinata—or whatever—looks at the broken clock in question.

“I... Do you want to get that fixed? I can probably ask Souda...”

“Oh no,” Komaeda laughs. “Don’t bother nor worry about something so mundane. It just isn’t worth the effort. And it’s not like I really care.”

Hinata swallows and nods.

“I...see...”

Komaeda nods back.

There’s a long stretch of silence, then Hinata comes closer, eyes flickering about. To the IVs, to the beeping machine, to the windows, to the curtains, to the wilting flowers that one of the nurses left behind. They’re quite pretty, really, a soft mellow shade of yellow that resembled the ones Komaeda remembered keeping in his cabin.

In the simulation.

The simulation...

He glances towards them just as Hinata speaks up once more.

“How have you been feeling, Komaeda?”

“Fine, fine,” he said easily, giving a crooked smile after snapping back to attention. “The doctors and nurses have been taking pretty good care of me, which is far better than I deserve, ehe. I don’t think I’ve woken up to one person trying to smother me overnight!”

“They wouldn’t do that,” Hinata said, scowling. “These people are sympathetic. They understand what happened.”

Komaeda hummed noncommittally.

“My, my, such upstanding people. They really do make us look all the scummier, huh?”

Hinata flinched but said nothing. No surprise there. It wasn’t like Komaeda was wrong after all.

“We’re...not like that anymore,” Hinata mumbled after a while. “The program erased that.”

Komaeda’s smile drops.

“Careful,” they hiss at him. “Hinata-kun might be dense but Kamukura-kun will definitely notice.”

And Hinata does perk up at his expression, eyes narrowing. Komaeda’s sure his heart skipped a beat, but he smiled once more like it was nothing.

“You say that, but Kamukura Izuru is still present, isn’t he?”

It’s so easy. It’s so unbearably easy. Hinata twitches, and that suspicion on his face fades into something more complicated.

Well. It is a complicated matter.

“I wonder if despair really can be erased like that,” Komaeda went on. “Are you saying that a relapse is utterly impossible? Tsumiki-san had relapsed in the program after all, so clearly there are cracks in the barrier, so to speak.”

Hinata hesitated, and then, he takes a deep breath.

“It is true that relapses and breakdowns are a possibility, however the likelihood of that event repeating is increasingly implausible. Now that we are aware of the situation, we are more guarded against it. Everyone here does not wish to fall back into that state. That will make a difference.”

He would’ve clapped, but he lacked the number of hands necessary. All the same, Komaeda giggled brightly.

“I see, I see. Then we’re well on the road to recovery! How lovely.” His grin widens. “I suppose you could say despair is the bridge to hope after all. Ehehe.”

“I suppose.” The response was clipped.

“Do you really agree?” he asked. “Ka-mu-ku-ra-kun?”

“It does not matter. Boring.” And then, Hinata returned to ask, “So has everything been going alright, Komaeda?”

“Yes.” His own response was clipped as well. “Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about. The only issue here is that I keep having to look at your face.”

Hinata scowled at him.

“Dick. If you’re that shitty, no one’s going to visit you.”

“I don’t want them to,” he says. “For the sake of my health, it’s better that way. Any despair at all makes me sick. So, please leave me alone and never come near me again.”

“You can’t order me around,” Hinata hissed, and then he huffed. “But I get the message. Fine. Whatever. Bye, Komaeda.”

Komaeda waved cheerily.

“Bye-bye, Hinata-kun! Kamukura-kun!”

The door slammed behind them. He couldn’t be sure which one slammed it, but in the end it didn’t really matter.

The bed dips, and Komaeda knows it’s just his imagination, but—

“You really played it up, Nagito-kun,” they told him, playing with the chain dangling from his collar. “That was rather unnecessary. You might’ve really hurt Hinata-kun’s feelings!”

“Like that matters,” Komaeda retorts darkly. He receives a laugh in response.

“It does,” they reply. “After all, Hinata-kun is precious to you, isn’t he? Even now, he swells in your heart like a tumor. It might just be malignant. That’s no good.”

Komaeda grimaces before rolling his eyes and crossing his arms.

“Servant-san,” he says, sniffing. “Your sense of humor is absolutely dreadful.”

Servant giggles once more at him.

“Ehehe. I suppose you could say it’s despairing.”

Komaeda groaned at the awful joke.

“...it’s very despairing.”

After the world destroyer program succeeded, it was only fitting that he went from that paradisiac prison to absolute hell.

“H-Hey, can you hear me...?!”

Hinata had been the one to greet him, but it was likely Kamukura who had looked him over. They both pulled him up as the world was spinning around him.

“Hinata Hajime...or Kamukura Izuru...?”

“They both are me.”

Komaeda blinked at them blearily and he itched all over, especially around his neck. His arm—

His wrist was gripped before he could shred the itchy, itchy bandages wrapped all around his arm.

“Steady yourself,” he was told. “Just breathe, Komaeda.”

Komaeda had tried but it was difficult. Like his throat was clogged up, his nose stuffed, and then he sneezed. It was still itchy. The bandages, the wires, the hospital clothes—

“You’re probably disoriented, so just take it easy,” Hinata said softly. Was it Hinata? Maybe it was Kamukura, but—he couldn’t hear the cadence properly, so he wasn’t entirely sure.

“I suppose that makes sense. You never were terribly familiar with Kamukura-kun.”

Komaeda blinked. Once. Twice.

“...you...”

“Komaeda?” Hinata asks, but Komaeda’s not focused on him, he’s focused on, on—on the other presence. The one from the failed simulation, the one who had helped him remember for a time. The one that the world destroyer should have torn to shreds along with that fake program.

They blink at him, fidgeting with a long, rusty chain dangling from their neck. It takes a moment, but Komaeda does remember once more. He remembers seeing them in his reflection before but not like this. Never like this. Even in the simulation, they had never been so...clear.

“H-Hey, Komaeda?!”

“Don’t say anything,” they told him. “If those two realize—you might just end up back in that pod, Nagito-kun. And who knows how much of you will make it out next time?”

Komaeda blinks. Once. Twice.

“K-Komaeda, say something!”

“Say something,” they hissed at him. “You need to say something.”

Komaeda screamed.

Everything rushes by quickly, suddenly he’s thrashing and struggling against multiple arms. Hinata is pleading with him, but the other presence just watches with a blank, vacant gaze.

He’s gasping, face damp, he shaking his head and resisting the multiple people trying to hold him down. He can barely register Hinata, he, he, he, he—

He’s sedated. And then everything goes black.

He wakes up with his one good hand handcuffed to the bedframe and the rest of him strapped down. His arm had been freshly bandaged, so it wasn’t itchy anymore. At least there was that.

And the other presence was pinning him down.

“You overdid it,” they said. “You completely overdid it. How disappointing.”

Komaeda breathes, inhaling, exhaling, and then sighing.

“Why...” He swallows back saliva. It hardly helps his dry throat. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t want to be,” they reply and sit back on his legs. Komaeda can register the weight and that—that’s really kind of creepy. “But the Neo World Program was quite the faulty creation. Such a shame. I’m so disappointed. Despairingly disappointed. That was supposed to be Matsuda-kun’s final project. And I thought Gekkogahara-sensei had perfected it.”

Komaeda blinks at him, mind rather hazy as he tried to remember those names. It was as though his head had been stuffed with a dense fog, and the only thing he could see—was the reflection in front of him, sitting atop him.

“It’d be one thing if you were just a hallucination,” he said. “But you shouldn’t remember things that I don’t.”

“Like I said,” they replied. “The Neo World Program was quite the faulty creation.”

Komaeda blinked and then he lied back, inhaling, exhaling.

“So,” he said. “Who are you?”

“I suppose...nothing more than a servant.” A smile twisted across their face, jagged and unpleasant. “Though perhaps I can’t even be that much in this kind of state.”

“Perhaps,” Komaeda echoed. “Servant-san, then.”

“Such formality!” Servant laughs. “Are you being sarcastic, Nagito-kun?”

Komaeda hummed, wiggling his wrist just a little.

“Servant-san...can you get off?”

Despite giggling at him, Servant slid off obediently.

“Are you good luck or bad luck?” Komaeda asked, blinking at him.

Servant’s smile twisted anymore.

“We shall see.”

Recovery was tedious. He expected that much. The doctors and nurses were all formal and kind. Since Komaeda kept quiet, since Komaeda kept his head down, there wasn’t much for them to complain about. So they were all formal. And kind.

He wondered if any of them found that disappointing. A former remnant of despair having all the assertiveness and agency of a doll. He supposed it didn’t really matter what they felt as long as they kept doing their job, and that he didn’t really care.

All of this was something he was used to, prior to despair. It didn’t leave an impact at all anymore. It just was what it was, being every bit as mundane and familiar as school days. It really was just...

“Incredibly...boring...”

Yeah. Despairingly boring.

But it wasn’t like he really strove for anything more. He forced himself to walk even when his legs threatened to give out, and he swallowed down every unpleasant pill, but... All that was only because it was what he was accustomed to doing, and because he didn’t exactly know what else he should do.

It wasn’t like he was going along with them because he wanted things to get better. Because he wanted to live. Because he wanted to be better.

It’s just because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m really at a loss.

“Well, that’s understandable.”

Servant didn’t bother him much, trailing after him, watching him eat, probably watching him sleep, too. After a while, that, too, became a mundane normalcy that wasn’t worth paying attention to.

“They say your health is progressing but you’re just at a standstill,” Servant said, as if he didn’t know that already. “After they deem you well enough to leave, what are you going to do, Nagito-kun?”

Komaeda could only shrug.

“Are you going to try and assist the Future Foundation?” Servant asked cheerily. “Or maybe just help along the island? Or you can try and live a peaceful life here. You could take up gardening! Doesn’t that sound quaint?”

“I can’t imagine living a quaint, peaceful life after everything,” Komaeda said. “Truth be told, that just sounds impossible. Distant. Like imagining being able to fly or teleport.”

“I see...” Servant trails off before turning his attention to the new flowers left out. Daisies, to be precise. “Do you want to die then, Nagito-kun?”

“I...” He stared at the window, shielding his eyes only slightly from the filtered sunlight. “I don’t actually care. If I live. Or if I die. I don’t think it really matters anymore.”

Servant blinks at him and then gives an enigmatic smile.

“Is that so? And after you had put yourself through so much to take down all of Ultimate Despair by your lonesome,” he hums, reaching out and prodding Komaeda’s cheek. His touch was cold. Cold enough to make him flinch. “That’s pretty disheartening to hear. Is that really how you feel? Or is there more to it?”

“If there is,” Komaeda murmurs. “I wouldn’t know what.”

Servant is quiet, for a moment, contemplative it seemed. That in itself was strange.

You’re a fragment of my mind, right? He wondered. You’re a part of me. Shouldn’t that mean I always know what you’re thinking?

“No,” Servant said aloud. “Due to the effects of the program, that door on your end has been shut. Actually, think of it as a two-way mirror. Transparent on my end, not so much on yours.”

“I see.” He fists his hand into the sheet. “I don’t really understand—but all I can really do is accept that as an explanation.”

Servant nodded at him cheerily.

“I think you’ll understand with time,” he said. “After all, I can tell you haven’t completely give up yet, Nagito-kun.”

I suppose you would know that best, huh.

He wondered about that, especially as Servant’s smile widened, his eyes gleaming.

He’s well enough to walk but his stamina is somehow even worse than it used to be.

“Don’t push yourself,” Servant told him. “I can’t exactly steady you, Nagito-kun.”

He stumbles, falling hard enough onto his knees to leave them throbbing and well. He almost thinks he hears Servant give a pained hiss in sympathy, but—

“For the sake of hope, this trivial injury is nothing! That’s how I’d look at it anyway.”

“It still hurts,” Komaeda growled at him. “Also, what does hope even have to do with any of it...?”

“Careful, careful,” Servant murmurs as he shakily pulls himself back to his feet. He struggles from the exertion and only having one hand. “Easy, easy. You have this.”

He manages, panting and feeling ready to faint.

“It’s not a long walk back to your room,” Servant said. “You can make it, Nagito-kun! Fight, fight!”

“I could just remain here,” Komaeda mumbled to the wall. “One of the nurses or doctors is sure to notice me. They can help me back. I don’t have to push myself.”

Servant puffed his cheeks. “How boring! You need to be more proactive!”

“Whenever I am,” Komaeda whispered, leaning against the wall. “I just seem to make everything worse.”

“Things often have to get worse before they get better,” Servant said sharply. “Despair is the bridge to hope.”

...Yeah, I’ve said as much before. But...

“I’m tired,” Komaeda sighs, slumping. “I’m so, so tired, Servant-san...”

“I understand.” Servant says it so seriously that Komaeda does believe him, despite himself. Despite everything and himself, really. “But you have to continue going on, Nagito-kun. That’s what it means to recover. And to live.”

“Funny how the ghost of my former self is the one telling me that,” Komaeda muttered before letting out a soft chuckle. “Kind of ironic, don’t you think?”

His legs were shaking.

“Sorry. I. I don’t think I can walk back like this. I’m going to have to wait for someone to come get me.”

Servant frowns and sighs and plops down beside him. The chain rattles and rustles from the motion. It’s eerie. It’s eerie how real Servant sounds.

“Sit down, then,” Servant said. “Best not to strain yourself.”

Komaeda sits, but Servant seems rather huffy that he did.

“You really don’t remember much, do you?” he asked, almost accusingly. “I remember. I do.”

Komaeda blinks at him blearily.

“Okay.”

He can’t think of anything else to say. Or really anything else he can do, really. He just sits there, waiting for someone to come get him. Like a child waiting for their parents at the end of a school day.

It’s...frustrating. It’s really kind of frustrating.

But what is he supposed to do?

Servant, predictably, doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even hint at a potential one.

With a heavy sigh, Komaeda buries his face into his knees, and can only continue to wait.

He waits. And waits. He remembers waiting this helplessly before. After the plane had crashed, he—he spent a lot of time waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I always have to wait for people, don’t I? Wait for them to understand, wait for them to move forward, wait for them to turn back. How irritating. So irritating. It’s no wonder I spend so much time alone. Maybe someone like me is meant to be alone. Maybe, once I am well enough to leave...

His mind draws a blank.

I...still have no idea what I’m supposed to do. What does it matter at this point? Hope, despair, luck, fate... It still feels like everything’s slipped through my feelings in the end. After all that, I woke up with nothing but a ghost who should’ve been erased.

How depressing. He really does feel hopeless. But this isn’t despair. Somehow, he knows that much, at least.

It’s just apathy. Emptiness. Ennui. Really, what does it matter?

Servant leans against him with a sigh, making him perk up, shivering for a moment. Servant doesn’t say anything nor does he move, and his body is, so, so, so cold. Cold enough to send his teeth chattering. And, and, and, and, and—

“K-Komaeda?!”

Komaeda stiffens, recoils really at the call of his name.

Oh no... Oh no, no, no... I wasn’t waiting for you!

“Hinata...kun.” His face is undoubtedly pained, mouth twisted into a grimace before he turns away. “Urgh. Just keep on moving. Don’t mind me.”

“Did something happen?” Hinata surges forward, kneeling before him and eyes scanning him with such intensity that Komaeda felt almost violated. “Your... Your legs gave out, huh? And you don’t have the energy to walk back? So, were you just waiting for someone to come get you?”

Komaeda’s never wanted to scream so badly before.

“Aha. Nothing escapes Kamukura-kun’s focus. How frightening!”

That doesn’t help!

“I... I was,” he stammered out. “So it’s no big deal. One of the nurses or one of the doctors will walk past, and they can help me. Like I said, just...keep on moving, Hinata-kun. Don’t mind me.”

Hinata backs off a little, but his frown deepens.

“I can help you,” he said, the words flowing so easily. “If that’s all it is... I can help. I’ll carry you back.”

Komaeda shook his head firmly.

“I don’t want you to,” he snapped. “If you do that, I’ll have to thank you afterwards. I’ll be in your debt. The thought is beyond sickening.”

So just leave. Just...

“It would be a privilege if you let me help you, Komaeda Nagito,” Hinata says so dully that the very atmosphere dropped. “If you let me help you, I would be ever so grateful.”

Komaeda blinks, and his face scrunched up. “Are you mocking me?” He makes a sound of disgust. “But if you really feel that way, I suppose I should feel pressured to accept. Goodness, someone like you considering something like that a privilege...”

I almost want to strangle you. But I can’t do that with just one hand.

“So will you do me the honors or not?” Hinata asked, still unimpressed.

Komaeda trembled for a moment and puffed his cheeks.

“Fine. After all, you did save me.” He sneers. “The least I can do is repay you for that. You and Kamukura-kun.”

Hinata didn’t dignify that with an answer. Instead he leaned in and scooped Komaeda up into his arms, startling him.

“W-Wha—hey, hey! I-Is this really necessary!?”

“It’s what’s easiest,” Hinata replied coolly as Komaeda clung to him out of necessity. “You’re really light. You should eat more, Komaeda. Just toast for breakfast isn’t enough.”

“That’s none of your concern!”

Hinata snorted and Komaeda reddened more with anger. Without even breaking a sweat, Hinata strode on ahead, cradling him with ease.

This... This really is the worst luck... Just the worst...

“His chest is warm, at least. Isn’t it, isn’t it?”

That’s the opposite of helping, Servant-san.

Somehow it just irritated him further.

As though handling something fragile, Hinata sets him down carefully atop the bed.

Komaeda crossed his arms tightly, but all the same he kicks his feet under the cover. He turns away petulantly when Hinata continues to loom.

“Don’t you have other places to be? At least pick up on the mood.”

“You’re still in that shitty mood, huh?”

“Your observation skills know no bounds,” Komaeda hissed, every centimeter dripping with sarcasm. Then, he sighs. “I don’t know how much clearer I can be about how unwilling I am to bear witness to your company. You, Kamukura-kun, anyone who used to be despair, really... I want nothing to do with any of you.”

“Well that’s tough,” Hinata said bitingly. “Considering we’re all stuck on this island together.”

Komaeda waved his hand dismissively.

“That doesn’t change my mind.”

Hinata stiffened, and then, he growled, fists clenching.

“That’s unfair!” he exclaimed. “I know we all did fucked up things, but—that’s not enough reason to act so fucking cold, Komaeda!”

“It’s not? Aha. Funny. Funny. There was never enough reason when it came to me getting treated coldly.” Komaeda snorted. “On the island...even before that...during despair, too, right...?”

“Yes. Right.”

“I’ve never really been a part of the group, right? Never...not really. So why continue to pretend? Why not embrace it now? If I’m near you, you’re unhappy. If I keep my distance, you’re unhappy. Hey. Hey. What do you even want from me, Hinata Hajime?” He turns to Hinata to glare at him. “What about you, Kamukura Izuru? Do you think that this is all funny? Entertaining? Interesting? We could have all died because of you. You could have brought her back. Is that what Matsuda Yasuke would’ve wanted?”

Hinata goes dead still.

“...Matsuda-kun? Do you even remember Matsuda-kun?”

He did. A little. But not very well. Matsuda was grouchy yet kind, right? He had—black hair and blue eyes, right?

Was...that right? Matsuda... Yasuke... Matsuda-kun...

“If you don’t really remember, you shouldn’t just use his name like that.”

But I...!

The door once again slammed shut. It was so sudden that he jumped.

“A-Ah...?” He blinked once. Twice. “Hinata-kun...? Kamukura-kun?”

No answer. Of course now. But still.

“W-What the hell...? All upset over some guy who died years ago...” He hmphed. “That’s so pathetic.”

Servant was frowning at him, but just as he met Servant’s cold stare, Servant smiled cheerfully like nothing was wrong.

“You really are lucky,” he said. “Being unable to fully remember. It must be so nice.”

Nice?

“Even you, Servant-san...?”

“Even me,” Servant chirped happily. “And even you, even if you don’t remember. But it’s whatever. All in the past! Even Kamukura-kun knows better than to get all twisted up over some carelessly spoken words!”

Komaeda doesn’t say anything, instead lying back down, covering his eyes with his bandaged arm.

“...they were upset. Even if I’m rightfully angry at them... I should apologize for that, at least.”

“Ohhh?” Servant intoned. “Just like that? How very mature of you!”

“It’s not mature,” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. “It’s just...proper behavior.”

“You have Matsuda-kun to thank for that,” Servant said. “Your proper behavior.”

...I have a lot to thank that person for, don’t I?

“You do.”

Komaeda really felt so exhausted. It wasn’t much longer before he fell asleep.

Unsurprisingly, Hinata doesn’t visit in the next few days. Or the rest of the week. Or the week after.

His usual routine didn’t change at all. Though perhaps the food was steadily getting blander, mushier, harder to swallow.

“Or maybe that’s guilt,” Servant remarked, nibbling on toast. Was that, too, a hallucination? When Komaeda reached for it, however, Servant smacked his hand away. “No. Get your own.”

Komaeda pulled away grumbly. Even if he did eat his own bread, it still tasted so much...like nothing. He forced himself to chew and swallow all the same.

“That hand...” His gaze flickers to the mitted hand that Servant smacked him with. “Under that mitten...is it...?”

Servant blinks, smiling at him innocently.

“That’s a secret,” he said, shoving the rest of his toast into his mouth. He chewed, swallowed, and grinned. “I don’t feel close enough to you to divulge such intimate information, Nagito-kun.” He feigns a blush, cupping his cheek. “It’s just so embarrassing!”

Komaeda frowned. “How much closer do we need to be? And that’s really unfair. I’m not in any position where I can keep secrets from you.”

“It’s better that way,” Servant said. “Those memories were erased for your own good. It’s just unfortunate that they’re seeping out.”

“If it’s unfortunate, then fortune should come from it.”

But... If that’s the case, then...what kind of fortune...?

Servant gave him another smile, but that was hardly an answer.

Hey... What am I even living for, anyway?

“Servant-san...”

“If people see you talking to yourself,” Servant said, almost snapped. “You’ll be stuck here longer. And I don’t think you actually want that. This purgatory is...incredibly boring.”

Purgatory, huh?

He supposed he couldn’t disagree with that.

Purgatory was a good name for it. But purgatory was eternal. This wasn’t.

“Komaeda-kun, good news! You should be able to leave the hospital soon! We just need to run a few more tests.”

“Okay.”

“You’ve been very well-behaved, Komaeda-kun. Such a shock!” A laugh. “I never would’ve believed you were despair a mere year ago!”

“Yeah...”

They were smiling at him so assuringly that it was sickening. But he just swallowed that back and kept his head bowed. It’s easy, after all. He’s been a patient more times than he can count. All this time spent in the hospital now was hardly different to the time spent in years past. Prior to Hope’s Peak. Prior to despair.

But back then, his teacher would at least send a gift basket when they remembered. Not always but... Having something was nice.

He would likely miss the flowers that the nurse kept setting up.

There wasn’t anything else to miss. Not really. It wasn’t like he got visitors.

But one day, he did receive a couple of letters.

None of them were from his classmates. One of them was from Naegi. Another had a stamp with Usami on it. Gekkogahara, then. And the last one—was from Yukizome-sensei.

He froze up at that one. Shakily, he opened it, Servant peering over his shoulder.

Included was a picture of him and the rest of class. The day before they graduated. Everyone had been grinning so stupidly that day, including himself.

Komaeda blinked. Once. Twice.

He tore up both the picture and the letter without even reading it, crumbling up the pieces and tossing them.

“You weren’t in a lot of class photos,” Servant said. “Still it’s pretty bad taste for Yukizome-sensei to pick that one to send, aha. Ooh, what would Munakata-san say?”

“Does that matter?” he hissed. Servant just shrugged, shaking his head.

“No, I suppose not.”

Irritably, Komaeda moved on to open the next letter. The one from Gekkogahara.

He shivered a but, peeling it open.

It had a picture included with it as well. And the picture was—

“Matsuda-kun!” Servant exclaimed, eyes bright and sparkling. “Look at that, it’s Matsuda-kun! Ooh, I remember this picture! Do you?”

“No...” Komaeda stared at it, at the scowling face of a boy with eyes as blue as the sea and dark, messy hair. Right beside him, he saw his own bright smile reflected back. They were pressed rather close together, shoulders touching. He blinked. “I...”

“Matsuda-kun! Please smile! This is supposed to be a happy memory!”

“Just take the damn picture, sensei. I have other things to do.”

“Uwah! Uu, so cold...”

“Matsuda-kun, you really shouldn’t be so cold!”

“Puh, puh.”

“Aah, but, sorry sensei, Matsuda-kun’s other responsibilities are pretty important. So please snap the picture so that he can leave!”

“Uu, uu... Okay, if Komaeda-kun insists. Even without Matsuda-kun’s smile, this is still a precious memory.”

“I don’t remember that well,” he muttered lamely, flipping it around. Love, love was scribbled on the back in loopy handwriting. “Gekkogahara-sensei took this picture with her computer, right? So, it’s not a surprise she still has it.”

“Still, it’s nice to see,” Servant coos. “Matsuda-kun’s so handsome. Ehe. I really miss him.”

“Do you, now...?” Komaeda shuffled the picture behind the letter, unfolding it to read. “Dear Komaeda-kun...”

I heard you’ve been getting better! That’s so good to hear! As long as you continue looking forward, hope will always remain in your heart.

The path might be difficult and you may struggle a lot, but I know you can do it. You’re stronger than you think.

In the meantime, you should definitely try to talk more with the people who care about you! At times like these, surrounding yourself with these people is especially essential. When I find a way to work around Munakata-san, I’ll definitely visit all of you. It’s a bit nostalgic, going back to our old sessions. Much has changed though, hasn’t it?

I included a picture of that day Matsuda-kun dropped you off. I know Yukizome-san included a picture, too, but... It’s important, I think, to continue carrying around the memory of people who can only be with us in spirit. Matsuda-kun cared very much for you, even if he struggled to show it. I never want you to forget that, Komaeda-kun.

I’m sorry. The Neo World Program didn’t work as intended. I really let all of you down. When I visit, I’ll be sure to apologize in person, too. But know that even with all this, I know in my heart that you can pull through. Especially you, Komaeda-kun! Don’t forget it.

Love, love!

And then one last sentence, scribbled along the bottom alongside a little stamp with Usami’s beaming face.

Thank you for taking care of those children, Komaeda-kun. They’re in good hands now.

Komaeda folded up the letter and set it aside. As for the picture...

“Do you want to keep it?” he asked Servant tiredly. Servant perked up, blinked a few times and laughed.

“It doesn’t really matter what I want, Nagito-kun.”

Delicately, Komaeda folds the picture up and tucks it away.

Then I might as well.

He opens and unfolds Naegi’s letter next. Naegi, thankfully, hadn’t included a picture. It was just...a kind, handwritten letter, asking about how he was, informing him of the situation with the Future Foundation to an extent, and... It just...

It doesn’t matter. It really, really doesn’t matter.

“So harsh! You should be more honored!” Servant exclaimed. “The Ultimate Hope going out of his way to write someone like you a letter... It’s an honor! The highest honor!”

Komaeda gave him a disgruntled look.

“Even I can tell you’re being sarcastic, Servant-san.”

Servant laughed again.

“I was being a little serious,” he said. “But yes. I might be just a little bitter towards Naegi-kun. It’s not his fault, really. I’m just that kind of conceited person.”

“Somehow I can believe that,” Komaeda replied. “Servant-san is quite the audacious person. It’s sometimes sickening to think that you’re the ghost of my former self.”

“Then it really is bad luck that the program didn’t fully erase me!” Servant chirped. “I wonder what good luck this will lead to.”

...it’s hard to imagine...

“I should write letters in return,” Komaeda sighs. “It’d be... I guess...proper behavior. I have no idea what to say to any of them. And my handwriting is terrible. So I would have to get someone to write it for me.”

“You can ask one of the doctors or the nurses; I’m sure they won’t mind,” Servant said. “And they would be less suspicious, too.”

“...I suppose.” He sets Naegi’s letter with Gekkogahara’s. “Is there even...any point to it, outside of formality?”

“You’re so boring, Nagito-kun,” Servant said cheerfully. “Are you saying you don’t want to write them?”

“I... No, not really.” He shrugs almost helplessly. “I haven’t really wanted to do anything in a while. Save for apologize to Hinata-kun, maybe. But...”

He’s been making that difficult. So I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t bother.

“I see, I see!” Servant nodded understandingly. So understandingly it almost felt unsettling. “You’re even more pathetic than Kamukura-kun, in that case.”

Komaeda scowled at that.

“That’s way too harsh, Servant-san.”

“It’s how I feel,” Servant said. “Should I apologize for that? Sorry. You shouldn’t take the things I say so seriously. I am a hallucination, after all.”

Komaeda huffed. “Dick.”

Now he knew how Hinata felt.

...Hinata-kun...

Servant had that knowing look, but he thankfully didn’t press the matter. Thankfully because Komaeda suddenly felt too exhausted to banter with him. Instead he retrieves the letters and the picture with Matsuda. He rereads and looks over the lines on the papers in addition to the stress lines on Matsuda’s face more times than he can count.

I might end up forgetting all this even so.

How depressing. How despairing.

“You should have more hope than that, Nagito-kun,” Servant murmured, humming as he laid back against the bed, perpendicular to Komaeda. “Hope is essential to the human condition after all.”

There was nothing to say to that.

In the end, he doesn’t write anything. He doesn’t ask anyone to write anything, either.

When he’s well enough to leave, he’s given plain jeans and a plain shirt to change into. He does so and after he heads into the hallway, he spots Hinata talking to one of the doctors. Hinata notices him and waves him over.

“Oi, Komaeda!”

“Hinata...kun.”

Swallowing, he makes his way over and Hinata waves once more in greeting.

“Since you’re leaving, I thought I’d walk you to your cabin,” he explains. “Y’know, because... You showed me around in the simulation. I thought I might as well make up for that.”

“That doesn’t make this good luck or bad luck, then.”

“That’s a lame excuse,” Komaeda said. “I’m pretty sure I can find my way back without any help.”

“Still,” Hinata huffs. “It doesn’t hurt to make sure nothing happens, right?”

Komaeda’s unimpressed frown deepens.

“I suppose not.” A pause. “Thank you. For this. I suppose.”

“It’s nothing,” Hinata replied. “I suppose.”

“You two really are similar, aren’t you?”

I don’t want to hear it.

He follows after Hinata meekly, arms crossed and holding himself close together. Once they’re outside, there’s enough of a chill to send shivers down his spine.

I miss my jacket.

“Your jacket’s back at your cabin,” Hinata said, startling him. “I had all your old belongings stored there, just...in case.”

“What were you going to do with that cabin if I didn’t wake up?” Komaeda asked, narrowing his eyes. “Were you going to burn it to the ground? Get rid of everything then and there?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Hinata retorted. “You’re here now, right?”

“...I suppose.” There wasn’t anything else to say. “Hinata-kun... Why did you bring me back anyway? Or...was that Kamukura-kun’s choice? Did he feel bad?”

“It was both our choices,” he said. “And we don’t regret them, Komaeda.”

“Why?”

“We...” Hinata hesitated. “Everyone deserved to be awake. Deserved another chance. Deserved to face their future. Regardless of everything, everyone includes you. It wouldn’t have been right to just leave you be while everyone else...”

“I doubt you would’ve been too torn up about it if you just left me behind,” Komaeda said. “You probably would’ve moved on so quickly that I would’ve been forgotten soon enough. You really made a mistake, both of you—”

They stop and then turn around on their heel. Tightly, they grip Komaeda’s arm. Tight enough to bruise. He flinched, but they just spoke in the lowest, chilliest voice.

“It wasn’t. A mistake.”

Komaeda looked up at him, pained, wincing, biting down on his lip. Immediately, he was released, leaving him to just rub pitifully at his arm.

“Sorry,” Hinata muttered gruffly. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Whatever it was, it was scary,” Komaeda said quietly. Hinata flinched, but said nothing, just gesturing to him with his shoulder to continue following. Keeping his head down, Komaeda nodded along and trailed after him.

The air around Hinata-kun is completely different to before. If I didn’t know any better, I’d doubt this was the same person who fainted on the beach. But...

“It isn’t really the same person.”

No...

“It’s not the same person who was with you on the boat, either.”

No...

“Nagito-kun,” Servant spoke to him quietly. Almost hushed. As if Hinata or Kamukura would be able to hear him. “What would you say your feelings for this person are?”

Right now? Komaeda looked up at his broad back, the back of his head. The darker spikes, that same ridiculous antenna... But if this person had looked over his shoulder it would be with cold, mismatched eyes. With that in mind, Komaeda couldn’t help but think, I don’t like him.

Servant chuckles softly. “I don’t really like him, either. So, I guess in this way, at least, our hearts are one.”

Funny, then, how things turned out.

“Here we are,” Hinata said, opening the door. “They look more like they did when we first got into the simulation but no security cameras. Those were deemed unnecessary so more privacy, thankfully. No television screens either. But it’s not like there’d be anything to watch anyway.”

The inside of his cabin looked so utterly barren save for his old clothes nearly folded atop the bed. At least he had the same curtains as before, Komaeda supposed. He wondered, idly, if they had always been there.

Or if Hinata had set them up.

There was a minifridge there. That had to have been set up recently.

All things considered—this cabin looked clean. Not lived in yet tended to all the same.

“So, um...” Hinata rubs awkwardly at his nape. “Welcome home, Komaeda.”

“Hearing you say that is gross,” Komaeda remarked, going inside and kicking off his shoes. “So are we done here?”

“I... No.” Hinata scowled. “We still meet up every morning at the hotel at the same time as we had in the simulation. We... We expect you to start showing up, too.”

Oh. Huh.

“I don’t want to,” Komaeda said. “Don’t you remember? I said I don’t want anything to do with any of you. I had meant that.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata growled. “Look. I get it. You don’t want to see us. Fine. But you’re stuck on this island with us, so we need to check on you minimally at least. We need to make sure no one relapses into despair regardless of how small the chances are. It sucks, but it’s necessary.”

“No, it’s not,” he protested. “If that were all, then why not just stay at the hospital?”

“Those people have more important things to do than continue babysitting you!” Hinata shouted heatedly. “Stop being such a child and making this more difficult than it needs to be! Just... We don’t even have to talk to each other, you just have to show up. You don’t even have to eat with us, you just—you just have to show up. Maybe wave. And then leave. That’s all we’re asking for, Komaeda.”

Komaeda dug his nails into his palm, likely leaving behind four angry red crescents. He doesn’t say anything.

Hinata sighs.

“...if it’s that big of a deal, then I’ll check on you every morning.” Hinata chews on his lower lip. “I’ll just knock on your door. And you can just...shout. Or something. How’s that sound?”

With a tired look like that, it’s almost as if he’s pleading with me.

“Either way, as you said, I’m stuck on this island with all of you.”

“Yeah...” Hinata shrugs. “So you... You have to work with us at least a little, Komaeda. Please?”

Komaeda shakes his head.

“I don’t...want to.”

I don’t want to be here. The hospital I could tolerate because I was used to, but this? How am I supposed to deal with this? Just the idea of seeing more of them makes me ill. It’s sickening. It’s sickening. The only way I wanted to be reunited with all of them was as a statue.

“But you hadn’t wanted to be trapped in that paradisiacal prison, either.”

Hinata frowns at him, but with a hardening gaze, he just turned away.

“I’ll give you time,” he said quietly. “But I’ll still check on you every morning until then. I’m sorry, Komaeda, but it’s necessary.”

“It’s not like I can stop you,” Komaeda replied dully. “I’m skinny, frail, and I only have one hand.”

“...I don’t want to force you.” His voice was even quieter. “That... That’s not...what I want.”

“If it doesn’t matter what I want, it shouldn’t matter what you want,” Komaeda said simply. “Just do what’s necessary, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata snapped towards him and he really did look—so stricken. So uncertain. Near tears.

So he still makes that face. Aha.

How pathetic. Just that face was enough to stir his heart as before.

“Komaeda...” And then, Hinata steps closer. “Komaeda... I... I just... Can’t we just work together like we used to?” He manages this ridiculously pitiful smile. And again, his worthless, pathetic heart stirs. “C’mon, don’t you remember how easy it used to be? Don’t you miss those times? I know it’s painful, but... I... I just...”

“Hinata-kun, with all that we’ve gone through, with all that we’ve been aware of... It’d be really irresponsible to think we could ever go back to those times.” Komaeda frowned at him disapprovingly. “It’s impossible, too. And you know it.”

“We can at least try,” Hinata offers, sticking out his hand. “We can at least try to face the future together as we had faced the island all that time ago. Komaeda, it’s what she would have wanted.”

Komaeda blinks once. Twice.

“...she?”

“Nanami,” Hinata answers, stressing out the name like it’s essential. “Nanami. Nanami Chiaki. Don’t—don’t you remember her? She hadn’t just been our friend in the simulation, she was our friend before...!”

“...oh. Right. Nanami-san.” Komaeda continues to blink. “What about her?”

“What about?!” Hinata almost looks ill. Komaeda frowns, tilting his head.

“What does she have to do with anything?” he asked. “I only barely remember in the simulation and... Before that, I spent more time in and out of the medical faculties than I did with the class. From what I remember anyway.”

I had known Matsuda-kun fairly well as a result, right?

For some reason, Servant didn’t answer. When he glanced around, Servant didn’t even seem to be there. That—unsteadied him more than he would’ve liked to admit.

“H-How is she, anyway?” Komaeda hurriedly changed the subject. “Well, I don’t... I don’t really care since everyone’s Ultimate Despair...”

Wait. Did Nanami-san have anything to do with that? I don’t remember her. I don’t remember ever seeing her!

Servant still wasn’t there. Servant could’ve explained, right? Right?

“Oh, wait, was she the traitor? Well, you would’ve woken her up either way, so that doesn’t matter anymore. That said, I can understand her not willing to visit trash like me.”

That doesn’t sound right. Why? It’s not like that’s wrong, is it?

“She’s dead, Komaeda,” Hinata said quietly, a quiver running through the words. “She’s been dead for years. She died during our time at Hope’s Peak, she... That Nanami we knew in the simulation was an AI to assist in the program. And...she’s gone, too. What happened in the simulation just completely wiped her data.”

“Eh? Oh.” Komaeda tried to wrap his head around it. “Well, that’s...a shame. Ah, right. Right, right.” He remembers, briefly, flashes of blood and the sound of screaming. But was that really a memory? “Sorry, I, I guess I just blocked that out. Well, it doesn’t matter now. The dead are dead. And that other Nanami-san was just pieces of data.”

So then what I did was completely pointless. An AI...

Somehow, he didn’t even feel disappointed. Just detached. From this. From that. From all of it.

“She was still our friend,” Hinata pointed out. “She may have been a simulation, but she was still important. And, before that...”

Friend?

No.

“Nanami-san might’ve been your friend, I guess,” Komaeda huffed at him with irritation flaring up. “But don’t presume I felt the same way. Someone like me, there’s no way I could be friends with any of you. Besides, that Nanami-san was a program, right? Why are you even so hung up about a program anyway? That’s weird, and, now, what does it even matter?” He shook his head. “She’s gone either way, isn’t she?”

Hinata’s hand dropped.

“...is that what you think?” His voice was void of any emotion. But it wasn’t Kamukura. It was still Hinata. “Is that what you really think?”

Komaeda hesitates for a moment but he nodded, remaining firm.

“It is,” he said sincerely. “I’m sorry. That must sound horrible but it’s the truth. Come to think of it, I’m sorry, too, for bringing up Matsuda-kun like that earlier... That was really cruel and uncalled for. Matsuda-kun, I think, was actually special to me once upon a time, so...”

So...what? The dead stay dead. Gekkogahara-sensei’s words are moving, but... If you carry too many people with you, they become a burden. Isn’t that true, Servant-san? Servant-san?

Still nothing. Komaeda was starting to tremble.

Hinata exhaled, and he flinched.

“A-Ah...” Komaeda ducked back further. “Sorry, I... Sorry. I don’t mean to cause so much trouble, Hinata-kun, I... I just... I want to be left alone. That’s... That’s the only thing I can even think of wanting right now.”

Not to live, not the die, but to be left alone. Ha. Haha.

“It’s alright,” Hinata said tiredly, making him perk up. Hinata didn’t seem to have the energy to muster up even a smile. “That’s just how you are, right? It can’t be helped.”

Komaeda shrugged again, unsure of how to answer.

“It’s okay,” Hinata said again, the shadows under his dull, mismatched eyes looking all the darker. “I may not—understand, but... Just yelling... Just arguing... That’s not going to solve anything.”

“Did Kamukura-kun inform you?” Komaeda asked. Hinata snorted.

“It doesn’t matter.” He turns back to the door and lingers. “I’m just gonna go. I’ll see you in the morning. There... There’s some food in the minifridge. It should be stocked for a while.”

“Okay.” Komaeda bows a little. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.” Hinata opens the door. “Later, Komaeda.”

“I don’t want it to be later,” Komaeda said. “I want it to be farewell.”

Hinata says nothing to that. He just waves and shuts the door behind him.

Sighing, Komaeda goes to fall face-first into his bed.

It smells clean. How recently was it washed?

If he pondered it further, he might end up so frustrated his eyes would blur with tears. They were stinging already. How pathetic was that? How absolutely pathetic...!

“Shhh...”

Careful, freezing cold fingers card through his hair. Komaeda shudders, and then, he relaxes.

“Shhh, just let it all out, Nagito-kun,” Servant murmurs. “When you’re alone like this, what’s the point of even holding back, right?”

“...” His breath hitches, and then. “U-Uu...”

“That’s it,” Servant coos. “It’s alright, Nagito-kun. There’s no point in holding back anymore.”

It’s really, really pathetic, how little more coaxing he needs before he’s reduced to crying like an absolute child.

He tires himself out enough to sleep for a bit but he can just tell it’s not for very long. Since he slept so much during his days at the hospital, he’s not too concerned.

Instead, he pushes himself up, rubbing at his sore, dry, cracked eyes.

“Urgh...”

“Yep, you’re going to look absolutely terrible,” Servant chirps. “Crying really makes a person ugly. How disgusting!”

“Well,” Komaeda huffed, wiping off his nose with a sniffle. “It’s not like I want anyone to see my hideous face anyway.”

Servant giggles, and Komaeda remembers his folded-up clothes. They hadn’t been stirred, and he pulls them towards himself.

“...I had a chain leash,” he says, looking at the one on Servant. “Was that...broken or did Hinata-kun not pack it? If he destroyed it, he should’ve told me that.”

“Yeah,” Servant agrees. “He should’ve.”

That’s not an answer.

But what did it really matter?

Even his clothes were clean. His jacket had even been carefully mended. But there was something in its pockets. When he checked, he heard the like tinkling of metal and closed his fingers around a small chain before pulling it out.

On that chain hung a pendant. Old, slightly discolored and worn. A white cat painted on it. A lucky white cat.

Servant was staring at it intensely, he knew. Just looking at the thing caused a surge of emotion in his heart that he simply couldn’t—or wouldn’t define.

All the same, he struggles in putting it back on but manages.

“It’s pretty cheap,” he says, flicking it. “But it has quite a bit a charm. It’s cute.”

“It is,” Servant replies, nodding. With that, Komaeda squirms his way into his jacket, next. Being surrounded by that, too, is comforting, even with the unsettlingly clean scent. “Tomorrow morning, you should probably thank Hinata-kun for taking such good care of it, right?”

Komaeda stilled, sniffling at his sleeve.

“Tomorrow morning...”

I don’t...

“You don’t want to even hear his voice,” Servant said. “I get it, I get it. But it can’t be helped. You are trapped here after all.”

“...trapped...” The word stung. He nearly bit his tongue for it. And then, he thought about it. “But is that really true?”

“Oh.” Servant’s lips twist at the corner. “Goodness, are you serious? Even for me, that’s...”

“I want to be alone,” Komaeda said, reminded him. “I can’t do that here. I can’t do that with them. So... I have no choice.”

“You always have a choice,” Servant said. “But in this regard... Well, this is interesting, at least. Perhaps I was wrong about you after all, Nagito-kun. The idea of not knowing myself nearly as well as I thought—how exciting!”

Komaeda couldn’t let himself get overwhelmed. He had to stay focused. Absolutely focused. There was only so much he could rely on his luck. He had to strategize. He had to think things through.

With that in mind, his mind was made up.

He headed out. Jabberwock Island in the simulation wasn’t a perfect mapping of the island in reality. That much he had been able to tell right out of the gate. It was more fortified, even to the bridges. This place clearly had been intended as a safe haven for sorts if necessary.

Shame, then, how it actually got used.

Sometimes he sees his former classmates. A flash of Saionji’s robe here, a glance of Souda’s garish jumpsuit there. When he’s noticed by any of them, they hurriedly look away. He doesn’t know where Hinata is.

He wonders if this island has any arcade machines. He then brushes it all off.

“Now’s not the time to hesitate,” Servant reminded him. As if he hadn’t felt this way before. In the simulation. After finding the files. “You must keep your eyes ahead, Nagito-kun.”

Komaeda finds his way to the docks. No one has stopped him yet. He isn’t surprised. The only person who ever really sought him out was Hinata, after all.

There are various people in uniforms, packing boxes and occasionally talking to each other. If he strains himself, he can hear fragments of conversations related to this island as well as the Future Foundation. But it’s all insignificant information. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is the opportunity.

I can only rely on my luck so far, but... My luck could just as easily ruin everything. If anyone learns about this...

“You’ve snuck around before,” Servant told him. “You can do it again here. Relax, Nagito-kun. I believe in you.”

He leans in, brushing his lips against his ear.

“Now, let’s leave.”

Komaeda swallows and crouches by the bushes. He has to be extra careful, considering the snacks he stored away in his coat for later. He can’t mess this up. He only has this one opportunity.

And then, he just acts as if on instinct. Crouching, crawling if necessary, avoiding the stares and glances of any of the uniformed workers. He gets onto the ship, and he tucks himself away with the cargo.

He can feel the slight rocks of the ocean waves against the boat. Workers are unaffected, likely used to this. A lot of them are tired, yawning. It means they’re not as alert.

Still, Komaeda holds his breath, curling in on himself, and willing his heart to not pound so hard.

“Be steady, my heart,” Servant murmurs, and he just trembles, burying his face.

The seconds feel like minutes. The minutes feel like hours.

And then, the ship’s horn is blown. The ship starts to move. With that, the easiest part of this ends, and the most dangerous part begins.

It’ll only take two days. Two days is an incredibly long time to be constantly on guard, without rest. He has to sneak around, and one of the things he steals first is a uniform that just happens to fit. Later, he hears someone loudly complain.

“Urgh did someone take my uniform again? Whatever.”

Komaeda really, truly is someone blessed by luck.

“Careful,” Servant says later. “Don’t eat so fast that you choke, Nagito-kun.”

Smacking his sternum a few times, Komaeda only swallows. He shoves the trash back in his pocket. He’ll have to properly dispose of it later. For now, it’s too risky.

Servant sits close by, even though it doesn’t matter, but... Having Servant there, while his heart is beating wildly, it helps if only a little. He may have fled the island for the chance to get away from everyone else, but—he still can’t help but be glad he isn’t that alone.

Even if he is, technically, by himself.

“Don’t overthink it,” Servant said cheerily. “Just continue to strategize. Don’t forget you need to leave this ship without anyone noticing. You really have to be careful! If anyone hears a former despair is running around unsupervised when the Future Foundation is trying to reverse all the damage despair has done, well... You might just get shot at, Nagito-kun! Repeatedly!”

Yeah. He’s aware of that.

“This stunt could endanger Hinata-kun, too,” Servant added in a low voice. “Considering he likely took responsibility over all of you. But when Hinata-kun realizes you’re gone—I wonder what he’ll do?”

He has 14 other people he’s worried about. Not to mention other things on his plate, but...

“Kamukura-kun will know how to find us,” Servant murmurs. “He’s always known how to find us.”

Komaeda digs his fingers into his arm.

“Mind you, a part of me had wanted him to find me,” Servant went on. “Is that the case for you?”

Komaeda shook his head, biting on the inside of his cheek, picking at it with his teeth until blood seeped from the wound. There may very well someday be a scar there—if there wasn’t one already.

Someone passes by, and they take out a cigarette to light it. It’s a bit of a romantic sight. Smoking, out at sea, under several glittering stars. The smoke rises to the sky in thin, dissipating strips of gray and white.

Komaeda sighs softly and pulls his knees in closer.

If I could dissipate like that, it wouldn’t be so bad.

But that was just beyond impossible, even if he burned alive.

It would just hurt. And then it would end. How tedious it is, to be a living creature.

He keeps a careful eye on the worker. They never glance back; they just continue to look at the stars.

It’s a long, long night that follows. And he still has the next day.

Sneaking off is more difficult than sneaking on. They’re much more alert on the mainland, so he has to don the uniform he stole, and he has to use one of the various duffel bags to stash his belongings. He’s not the only one, so he can blend in with the crowd.

Once the opportunity arises again, he slips away. He really is lucky. No one even tried to talk to him.

The city they’re in is hardly standing, but it’s less ruinous than cities he remembers in brief flashing nightmares. The first order of business is to find shelter. He changes out of the uniform quickly. It would be troublesome, after all, if any civilian came to someone like him for help.

He has to always be careful. He has to always be on his guard. He may have escaped Jabberwock, but he’s far from free.

I might as well be a fugitive. Isn’t that essentially what I am?

You are. Essentially.

Right.

The city’s been well cleaned up, at least. There aren’t any Monokuma units roaming around. It’s just a broken-down area. People are passing him by to get to the Future Foundation workers. Once again, he blurs into the crowd.

No one recognized him. He was just another nobody. It made sense. He hadn’t exactly made spreading despair a public showing like his classmates.

“I avoided my classmates and the Monokuma units whenever possible.” Servant hums, playing once again with his chain. The rustling and creaking is timed eerily perfectly with their steps. “Just because I was their classmate for a time didn’t mean I got spared. Then again, I hardly shared that classroom with them. I really was just scum on their shoes. It’s no surprise I got excluded, ehe.”

He almost wants to laugh but somehow the would-be sound just dies in his throat before anything can come of it.

But there is a child laughing, stumbling over the rocks as their mother calls for them. That child then trips and would’ve fallen face first into broken concrete had Komaeda not been there to break their fall.

“Careful, now,” he murmurs to which they grin up at him.

“Thank you, mister!”

With that, they rush on ahead. Their mother bows gratefully at him for a moment before hurrying after them, calling his name.

Komaeda does glance back, and he feels a sharp, undeniable ache as the mother catches her child’s hand in hers and squeezes.

“Nagito-kun.”

He perks up at Servant tugging at his sleeve.

“Come on, now’s not the time to get distracted.”

“Ri...” He swallows, stopping once he remembers that no one else could see this person. Instead, he shrugs his shoulders and just moves on.

That ache does fade with time, but it lingers like a bruise.

In one of the sparsely populated areas, he finds a place to sleep. It’s infested with bugs, but it’s still an abandoned place overall. Acceptable shelter, since the beds were still in one-piece, albeit with worn, torn, dusty and previously molded sheets. There is some water nearby, surprisingly. Perhaps he can try and wash them a little.

Apparently, the Future Foundation had recently set up irrigation in this area. That made it more likely to attract other refugees in the future. It was just a matter of people managing to scramble their way over in spite of the still lingering destruction and still running Monokuma units.

But it was getting easier, even as it remained difficult.

“You might be more at risk of getting sick, Nagito-kun,” Servant said as Komaeda covered his mouth with a face mask, coughing lightly as he did. “That hospital was pretty sterile. Your immune system might be weakened.”

Truth be told, he already felt like the dust and decay was getting to him.

But I’ll manage. Somehow. I have to. My luck won’t let something this trivial be the end of me.

“I suppose not,” Servant murmured. “Still, be careful. Recklessness is no good.”

Komaeda nods along and does his best to scrub out the dust and bugs. It might be impossible to get it all, but he just needs to get as much as he can.

Somehow, he manages. Afterwards, his fingers are aching as are his shoulders, his feet, and back. He lies down almost immediately and is unspeakably grateful that the bed isn’t terribly hard or lumpy.

“Rest is important!” Servant chirps. “Don’t forget you need to eat, too.”

“Right...” He pops the joints in his shoulders and neck, groaning as he does. “Servant-san... I’ll have to travel even further tomorrow.”

“Aha, really? Do you have a place in mind or are you just going to try and get as far from Jabberwock as you can?”

Komaeda sighs, glancing up at the ceiling, and blinks a few times, remembering that child and their mother.

“Actually... There is one place I have in mind.”

“Oh?” Servant asks. “Well, that’s fine.”

Komaeda’s gaze flickers towards him.

“Servant-san, is there someplace you want to go?”

Servant blinks and sits beside him. Again, he gives off an unsettling chill but at this point, Komaeda’s starting to grow accustomed to it.

“You shouldn’t,” Servant says, and then he clears his throat. “You shouldn’t ask a hallucination something like that. I’m not a traveling partner, Nagito-kun, I’m the part of you that should’ve been shut out.”

Even if that’s true... Even if...

“It just seems proper to ask you,” Komaeda murmured. “Since Servant-san is stuck following me.”

Servant ruffles his hair. The cold makes him more tired.

“Rest, Nagito-kun.”

“Mm...” His eyelashes flutter. “O...kay...”

There’s a sense of familiarity to traveling like this, but it’s one accompanied with a deep sense of emptiness.

The world is much emptier, after all, with despair fading away. People are rebuilding, slowly and clumsily. It is a difficult process, but...it is recovery. Recovery is not meant to be easy. Nor interesting.

Sometimes he has to gather food. Sometimes he has to try and wash himself. Sometimes he sleeps outside. Sometimes he finds shelter.

Sometimes he finds himself surrounded by the scraps of torn up Monokuma units. It’s almost like being in a different kind of graveyard.

Servant remains with him, as expected. Every step of the way, they’re together. Sometimes he talks to Servant. Sometimes he doesn’t. It’s a matter of how he feels about the loneliness.

“It’s understandable,” Servant says. “It’s not like I mind.”

“Are you lonely, too?” Komaeda asks, chewing on his rations. He pauses, thinking it over. “You probably are, aren’t you, Servant-san.”

Servant leaned back against rubble, eyes flickering upwards to stare at the sky. Not red, but blue. A clear blue.

“I wonder.”

“You wonder?” How enigmatic. “Servant-san... I don’t remember everything clearly. Is that because of you?”

There’s a soft breeze in the air. It’s cold enough to send hair standing straight up, but wrapped up in his insulated coat, Komaeda doesn’t much feel it. It’s better that way and yet, he still has a sense that there’s a barrier that he cannot cross nor truly see through. Like frosted glass.

Servant-san is like frosted glass.

“That’s a pretty romantic-sounding simile,” Servant hummed. “Even if it’s neither a compliment nor an insult.”

“It is pretty strange, to say that about someone who is yet isn’t your past self,” Komaeda agreed. “Then again, isn’t this situation plenty strange already? You shouldn’t even exist.”

“That’s right,” Servant said. “I shouldn’t. Maybe you should kill me, then. What do you think would happen? If you could kill me, get rid of me, discard your despair self completely—would that be good luck?”

“If discarding despair were so easy then this world truly is a worthless and wretched place.” Komaeda looks down, lifting his left arm, taking in the knot in his sleeve where the rest of his arm should’ve been. His gaze turns to Servant’s mitted hand. “Human beings aren’t slabs of marble that you can chip away until you create a beautiful sculpture. Despite what some people may think.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Servant pointed out cheekily.

Komaeda popped a ration into his mouth and chewed noisily as he shut the canister. He swallows.

“Killing you would just invite its own struggles and conflicts,” he said, and then quieted. “What you’re suggesting is just an uncertain possibility anyway. There’s no guarantee. I’m not going to kill someone over something so flimsy.”

Even if it’s Servant-san—it’ll feel real enough to creep me out.

Truth be told, in general he didn’t like the idea of killing someone by his own hand. It just seemed so...brutish.

He repacks the canister and pulls up his bag.

“It’s funny,” he says. “When I think about all the people I’ve gotten killed, I can only think of the people that didn’t stain my had with a single drop of blood. Deaths that I wouldn’t be blamed for by any...normal person. Have I ever killed someone directly? I don’t...remember...”

Servant’s smile remains. The thought continues to niggle at his mind.

“Maybe once. Maybe twice. Maybe a great deal. Maybe never. What would you consider good luck?”

He thought about it, the flittering thoughts eating away at him like moths on the old mattresses he’d been sleeping on.

“It doesn’t matter. The absence of blood hardly takes away the stain of despair.” The wrong things that I had done. Not just under her but under the false pretenses she set up. The game that I happily played along with. With Hinata-kun, with the others, regardless of what I told myself— “You can’t give me direct answers, can you? So, then, there’s no point in asking...other than for the sake of asking. Apologies. I really am stupid and incompetent if it takes me this long to realize something like that.”

“Aw, cheer up!” Servant chirruped, waving his hand. “A sense of curiosity is a good thing! It puts you above Kamukura-kun!”

“Mm...”

The distant sound of the train. Komaeda perked up at that and turns towards it. Without missing a beat, he hurriedly sprints towards it. Uselessly wrapped up in his own useless head as it were, he had forgotten that he was supposed to be at the station waiting.

Worthless.

His feet slam against dirt and cracked concrete.

Utterly worthless!

Through a stroke of luck, he had gotten onto the train before it left. And then, rather appropriately, several people trampled on his feet in their rush. It already hurt. A little bit added to the meager pain wasn’t a problem.

Even if it did...really hurt.

The train ride was loud. Uncomfortable. Suffocating. But it was being ran pretty efficiently. He wasn’t sure if it was just the Future Foundation to thank for that.

Technology sure is incredible... Programs that can erase traumatic memories... Trains that can still run when the world’s been ruined...

“It really is brimming with hope from all the cracks caused by despair, isn’t it?”

Sighing, Komaeda leaned against the window, watching the broken world zoom by.

Brimming with hope...

He thought that over.

I suppose there is a sense of beauty in that.

He was getting into more wooded areas, which meant less crumbled buildings in favor of gnarled plant life where the soil wasn’t completely dead. His bag was so heavy that it might just break him, but he continued walking on, along a muddled path.

He does remember what this place had looked like before despair. Before her. Even with the dead trees, the weeds, the broken stones, there was a sense of nostalgia about being here. There was still a sense of sad beauty to it.

The hike up this hill was as difficult as it had always been, especially with the weight of his bag. He pants, it starts to hurt to breathe. It’s almost too harsh on his throat and lungs to take.

He ends up toppling backwards. He doesn’t scrape anything, but it is enough to leave him winded. Still, he pushes himself back up.

He climbs back up.

“Servant-san,” he found himself saying. “At this time of year, there would be cherry blossoms blooming. But the cherry trees are all dead, so there are no blooming flowers. That’s rather sad but it can’t be helped, I suppose.”

“I suppose,” Servant echoes.

Komaeda walks and walks until he reaches rows and rows of graves, breathing heavily all the while. The river that had once run though has, unsurprisingly, dried up.

“That sort of poetic beauty...the road framed by pink petals and the flower rafts floating downstream... It’ll be restored someday, right?”

Servant doesn’t respond verbally, he just surveys the cemetery. And then, Komaeda laughs.

“Just kidding. Reality can’t just be restored like a computer system. They can try and recreate it, but it’ll never be exactly as it once was.”

With that in mind, he moved on ahead.

“With all that in mind, it is rather despairing to think...but it can’t be helped can it?”

He weaves through the graves with purpose until he comes across shattered rubble. Just enough of the engravement can be seen. It reads eda. Rather fittingly, weeds are growing all over, and twigs are littering the ground. It really is unlucky. These seem to be the only graves desecrated by the world’s destruction.

“Mama,” he says, and then his breath catches. “Papa. I’m sorry I took so long.”

With that, he drops his bag and unzips it. He pulls out a sponge first. Then, some soap. Then, one of the many clean water bottles he picked up. He unscrews it open and wets the sponge so that he can get started on cleaning.

He tries to do all he can, pulling out weeds even when they blister his hand. Somehow, he manages. It takes what feels like forever, but he manages that.

He scrubs what remains of the graves, even trying to piece them back together with the pieces of it that he finds lying around. It’s clumsily done, to say the least.

All the same, he does the best that he can.

“Sorry... Sorry, sorry...” Komaeda sighs. “This really is all I can do.”

He pours water over the graves to rinse them off. He repeats scrubbing until he’s on his last water bottle. Servant stops him from pouring it with the rest.

“It’s clean enough,” Servant said. “So just drink it.”

Komaeda drearily obeys, downing the water even as it’s a bit of a struggle. He coughs a few times and shudders as Servant rubs his shoulders. He gets a sense of vertigo for a moment but quickly shakes his head to shake himself out of it.

He tosses the empty bottle with the rest.

Next, he burns the incense he also brought and prays the best he can with one hand.

“With everything that’s happened, I wonder what the two of you would be thinking,” he murmurs. “You’re probably beyond disappointed. I wouldn’t be surprised if you both had never wanted to see me again. It’s understandable. Completely understandable.”

What a worthless son I am.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, bowing his head. “Much has happened, much has changed. I... I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t think I ever really...knew. I just acted like I did. I would be that impertinent.”

But all the same...

“This world used to be one of despair, and now it is one brimming with hope. I suppose that’s a wonderful thing. But it all feels so fragile, so unsteady. Despair still lurks in the hearts of people just as how hope sleeps within them.”

A pause.

Komaeda looks about. At all the weeds. All the remains of dead plant life. The dirt. The graves. The sky above starting to gray.

“With all that in mind... What am I supposed to do? Would either of you know?” He turns back to them, to the burning incense, and then he gives a rueful laugh. “Forgive me...with how much of a mess I’ve made... It must be hard to answer. Even if you two could answer. Even if you two wanted to answer...”

There’s no answer to be found here from a destroyed grave, even with Ultimate Luck. No matter how hard I look.

“Servant-san,” he said. He perked up as Servant knelt and prayed, paying his respects. Blinking a few times, Komaeda pressed. “Servant-san, do you have anything to say?”

“It’s going to rain soon,” Servant replied. “You’re going to catch a cold. Mama and Papa wouldn’t want that. If they still care.”

Komaeda blinks, and chuckles lightly into his hand.

“If they still care,” he echoed. “As if that matters either way. But it does tend to rain while I’m here. Always ruins the flowers. I didn’t bring any flowers this time, but...” He shrugs. “Well, I guess it is what it is.”

Dusting himself off, he pushes himself up. Servant, too, stands.

“You should pay more of your respects,” Komaeda said. “But I suppose I can’t make you. There are cottages near here. Hopefully one of them will make of adequate shelter. If any of them are standing, of course.”

“Then you should check, Nagito-kun.”

A drop of water lands on Komaeda’s nose.

“You should hurry, Nagito-kun,” Servant says so seriously that he wants to laugh and laugh.

The cottage they find is almost as quaint as the ones on Jabberwock. Smaller, yes, not as well-furnished. Much dustier, of course, but the bed was comfortable enough once Komaeda wiped it off. There were surprisingly some candles lying around, so Komaeda lit those.

And his teeth chattered as he tried in vain to wring the water from his hair and his coat. As expected, he was not able to avoid the rain after all. Servant almost looked like he felt sorry for him. He laughed, and then Servant watched as he stripped out of his wet clothes, down to his miraculously dry lucky boxers.

Outside, there were rolls of rumbling thunder and lightning flashes. Komaeda laid there on the bed, wrapped up in old comforters and shivering as he watched the flickering flames of the candles.

“This storm...” Komaeda speaks up rather suddenly. “It’s quite beautiful, isn’t it? Flashing lightning. Crashing thunder. The way light splits across the sky. Cracks in the heavy gray and darkness. It’s really beautiful...”

He shuddered, catching his breath. He ended up sneezing.

“I wonder...if this storm was how I thought of despair. The lightning, I supposed, was hope. Generated, setting the world ablaze. Lighting up everything.” Komaeda was quiet for a bit, blinking and then reminiscing. “There was a time when I sat outside during a storm, aha. I wanted to see where the lightning would strike, and, ahaha, it missed me by a mere speck. It was enough to knock me over, to startle and stun me, but it wasn’t enough to scorch. To burn.”

I was only just a scant distance out of reach. That, I suppose, became a familiar feeling. Brushing so close to destruction and light that I can taste it in the air. A brush of contact. But never enough to embrace.

“I remember that,” Servant said. “Nagito-kun caught a cold the next day.”

“Isn’t that your memory, too?” Komaeda asked cheerily. “Servant-san, you’re acting strange. Or is it just me? You are my hallucination, after all. Which means you should go away at some point.”

But when that happens...

“It’s bittersweet to think,” he admitted, so whispery soft that the thunder muffled the sound. But Servant would hear. Would understand. He always would be able to... “Perhaps... I’ve grown attached to you, Servant-san. Isn’t that sad? Isn’t that rather pitiful? Servant-san is at best an imaginary friend, after all.”

“I’m not imagined,” Servant said. “I represent something very real, Nagito-kun.”

Komaeda nods to that.

It’s true. You do. Despair... Servant-san is supposed to represent despair...

But, looking upon Servant’s face... Even as Servant wore his usual smile. With the flickering light of the candles illuminating the room, warm hues contrasted against colder, heavier shadows, and that was especially clear upon Servant’s face.

Despair...what is despair...? Despair is the bridge to hope. That’s what Servant-san and I agree on. Even Hinata-kun, or... Kamukura-kun...

He squeezed his eyes shut, curling in on himself as he tried to think.

Despair isn’t always such a clear route. Sometimes, it’s dense like fog. It’s suffocating like smoke. But... But...

A flash of lightning.

“Once your heart knows it,” Servant said quietly. “You can cut through the dense fog of uncertainty and feast your eyes upon the shining course that continues onward, toward the future of tomorrow.”

A crash of thunder. The very cottage shudders with Komaeda.

“It is with despair that hope sparkles at its brightest,” Servant said. “That was why I could relax and become despair. That was why...”

“I let it destroy myself,” Komaeda murmured, pushing himself up. “But that...it was all an excuse, wasn’t it? Though I told myself it was for hope... I was still being consumed by despair. And in the end...”

He touched his pendant, and then his eyes widened as a memory flashed through.

Matsuda writing in his clipboard. Matsuda looking over papers. Matsuda looking so, so tired as he scratched out notes. Over. And over.

“If you grip that stupid thing any tighter,” Matsuda snapped at him. “You’ll break it. I won’t fix it for you or buy another one, you know.”

Komaeda squeezed his pendant, letting out a harsh laugh before ultimately pulling back.

“I know that,” he replied. “But it...helps. When I get all tense or feel like I’m about to burst.”

“What the hell do you have to be all tense about?” Matsuda asked, raising an eyebrow. “You’re at your best when you’re acting as a carefree idiot. Didn’t I already tell you not to worry about anything? I’ll handle everything.” His tone quiets, just a bit, just a little as he averts his gaze and his lashes lower. “I always do. I always have.”

Despite the deep shadows marring the underside of Matsuda’s eyes, the crystal blue of his irises remained sparkling. Clear. Pristine, really. It was why, despite her, despite everything, Komaeda truly believed Matsuda’s words from the bottom of his heart.

...But.

Either Matsuda was right. Or he was very, very, very wrong. And if he was wrong, well, he wouldn’t just fall to pieces, he’d be devastated. Completely and utterly.

At least, that’s what Komaeda can’t help but think. And it’s that fear of the inevitable burst from all this build, whether it would be good or bad, full of hope or full of despair, that has him gripping his pendant the way he does.

“Matsuda-kun... That girl... I hope she dies.”

Matsuda startles at that, blinking at him rapidly.

And for a moment, that beautiful, pure, crystal blue darkens.

“Aha, of course someone like me is too pitiful to kill her,” Komaeda goes on. “So I think you should do it instead. Preferably before she infects my entire class! Tsumiki-san is already acting really weird, you know...!”

Matsuda flicks his forehead.

“Idiot. Even if she deserves to die, I’m the last fucking person you should ask for help. She’s my childhood friend, remember? And...” He trails off. “I don’t really have a choice. She’s important.”

“Do you love her?” Komaeda asks and there’s such—a pang in his chest at the thought.

“It’s nothing like that,” Matsuda sighs, waving his hand. “But it’s also none of your concern. As I’ve been saying, you shouldn’t worry about it. I’ll handle everything. I’ll figure something else out.”

Komaeda huffs. “I believe in you, Matsuda-kun, but...”

He yelps as Matsuda drags him forward by the ear.

“But enough about that,” Matsuda snaps. “Has your brain started regressing, Nagito? Is that why you made such an insensitive remark? That’s my most pressing concern right now. Let’s get scans right away.”

“A-Ah, Matsuda-kun...! Matsuda-kun!”

Matsuda ruffled his hair almost furiously until it was at its most floofy, making him whine.

“Matsuda-kun, so harsh!” Moaning, he tried to comb the strands back with his fingers. But thanks to Matsuda’s ministrations, they just sprung back up. “Aw... Now it looks like a tangled mess.”

Matsuda snorted. “It doesn’t look that bad. Chin up, Nagito.” He pushes Nagito’s chin up himself. “As I said, you’re at your best as a carefree idiot. So don’t worry about anything, alright?”

Komaeda blinked up at him.

“I’ll take care of everything. I promise, Nagito.”

“Matsuda Yasuke-kun was such a fool,” Komaeda said, choking on a bitter bout of laughter. “And I’m no better. I... I’m even worse. Matsuda-kun was closer to her than I was. And he still... And I still...!”

“It’s funny,” Servant whispered. “How despair ruins you. You find yourself before a cliff. You think that of course you wouldn’t jump—but you do anyway. It’s more than mere hopelessness.”

Komaeda wheezed, voice cracking with a flurry of high-pitched, breathy giggles.

“We’re all fools. All of us. Me. Matsuda-kun. My former classmates. Kamukura-kun. Hinata-kun. Even the Future Foundation. Even Naegi-kun. Anyone—anyone who thinks despair can be destroyed or discarded so easily—they’re all such fools.”

“But you have to admit,” Servant said, smiling ruefully. “We would not be able to move forward with desire and ambitions without foolishness. It is in this foolishness that foolish hope can be found. And foolish hope—well, it can create some wonderful things.”

...Like Kamukura-kun. Like Hinata-kun.

Komaeda trembled more at the thought.

If it hadn’t been for such terrible foolishness, I never would have met either of you. And Matsuda-kun...

“Matsuda-kun was one of the most foolish people I knew,” Servant said, wrapping his arms around himself. “That is most certainly true.”

He gripped the pendent tight enough to hurt, before relaxing and rummaging through his bag for that picture. He unfolded it, touching Matsuda’s face gently, before holding it close.

“In spite of that foolishness,” he murmured. “Maybe because of it, I had adored Matsuda-kun so much. I had loved him so much. And...”

He could remember, now, two gazes, one red-eyed and one hazel-eyed, meeting his own.

“I loved Kamukura-kun and Hinata-kun, too, for how foolish they were. I had loved them all so...so much... And it’s because of all of their efforts that I’m even here now...”

Just thinking it now was overwhelming. So much so that the crashing thunder seemed all the more deafening. So much so that the flashing lightning seemed all the more blinding.

“Servant-san,” he gasped. “Servant-san, why... Why did you really show up? Why were you really with me all this time?”

Servant was quiet for a moment. And then, Servant neared him, chain swaying, and climbed onto the bed, reaching out to take his hand with both of his own. Even as it made Komaeda shudder horribly, even as it caused ice to run through his veins.

“Servant-san...” Komaeda pants, and the world begins to spin. “Servant-san... W... Why?”

“I suppose,” Servant murmured. “I wanted to see if I’d fall in love with my own foolishness. The way Matsuda-kun had. The way Kamukura-kun had. The way Hinata-kun had.”

Komaeda sniffled.

“D-Don’t even joke like that,” he mumbled, beginning to snivel. “That’s just gross. That’s just weird. Not just about them, but, I... I was thinking how weird and creepy it was that Hinata-kun was so hung up on that AI... But I’m even worse. Because Servant-san... Servant-san is just in my own head.”

Servant sighs, smiling sadly.

“Oh, Nagito-kun...”

In that small cottage, battered and braving the storm outside, it was in the circle of Servant’s embrace that was the coldest place Komaeda had ever been. And yet, he embraced Servant in return. Fiercely, desperately, that photograph fluttering to the floor.

“Nagito-kun...”

Servant cooed to him softly, petting his hair, squeezing him tightly.

“Nagito-kun... Nagito-kun...”

It was cold. So cold. And, yet.

Komaeda buried his face into Servant’s shoulder, brushing against the freezing cold metal of his collar.

“Nagito. Nagito, Nagito, Nagito.”

Despite the chill, Komaeda couldn’t help but relax. More and more, until he was lulled into his body slumping within Servant’s embrace. Even the thunder, even the lightning, even the storm outside this cabin felt more distant than anything.

Servant pulled back, just a little, but still held him close.

Servant’s lips brushed against his once, twice, and immediately, Komaeda’s world went completely and utterly dark.

When Komaeda wakes up, his head feels fuzzy and he’s still shivering in the cold air. The storm has long since stopped, and the candles have long since gone out. His clothes that he laid out were dry as were his eyes albeit caked over. He rubbed at them, groaning as his headache grew worse. He rifled through his bag and popped in a few pills dry to dissipate that.

“Urgh...” He stumbled a bit trying to gather his clothes back off the ground and pulling them back on. With one hand and with his head still throbbing and spinning as it were, the action was unspeakably tedious and resulted in him losing balance and falling, planting face-first into the wooden floor with a loud thud. “O-Oww.”

Komaeda trembled as he pushed himself up, feeling the reddened mark on his forehead. His headache worsened, unsurprisingly, to the point where he swayed just from sitting upright.

I might...have caught a slight cold. How unlucky.

Waking up in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, almost naked, feeling sick—that really was ridiculously terrible luck, he couldn’t help but think. Rubbing at his sore, throbbing forehead, he could only sigh.

“It hurts even to think...”

Still, I have to get dressed. It’s cold.

So he struggles his way back into his clothes. Somehow, he manages, and it’s then that he remembers the photo on the floor. He retrieves it, peering at it closely, before taking it with his mouth so that he can grip his pendant.

He folds up the photo once more and stores it in a place where it’d be safe.

“There we go.” With everything in order, he zips his bag back up and hoists it over his shoulder. “Time to get going.”

He still ended up stumbling, but thankfully caught himself on the door rather than smacked his face again.

“Close...” Though it still really hurts. “Have...to be careful.”

Hopefully the medicine will kick in soon.

Really, he could only hope for the best.

Thankfully, the pain faded a bit, but he just ended up exhausting more easily. Taking a break by the dried-up river, Komaeda could only sigh.

“This is difficult,” he murmured, rubbing at his temple. His head still felt stuffed with cotton. Cotton. Komaeda couldn’t help but laugh lightly. “If Matsuda-kun were still here, he’d say that was fitting.”

But he’s not here...and he’ll never tell me anything of the sort. He’ll never be able to tell me anything at all. Ever again.

Komaeda wondered, blankly, if he would ever miss that the way he missed other trivial things such as the scent of his mother’s perfume. His father’s study. A large, tender hand ruffling his hair.

Kamukura-kun’s hair billowing in the wind. Hinata-kun’s smile touched by sunshine.

Snapping up, he slapped each of his cheeks consecutively to snap himself out of it.

Of all the times to remember stuff like that—! He couldn’t help but fume at the audacity of it. Those two aren’t even dead yet! Those two...! That person. He couldn’t help but wonder. What are they even doing right now?

He leans back against the ruined, rotting remains of a tree, sighing.

If everyone is still on that island, then maybe nothing changed from how things were in the simulation. Missing that one person, of course.

Nanami Chiaki. There’s no point in dwelling on her, and yet he does.

Hinata-kun had really cared about her. Had Kamukura-kun cared, too?

It was like swallowing a lump and letting it settle in his stomach. And why? Why did thinking like that bother him?

That Nanami-san wasn’t even real. And the real Nanami-san...died years ago. It’s creepy to think that the program just made her into an AI. It’s really creepy. And cruel. Did Matsuda-kun design the program to do something like that? Or was that someone else’s plan? Why?

He could never be sure. He shouldn’t dwell on her. There’s no point. No point at all.

An AI recreation would never be a perfect replacement. And they would never be a person. They’re programmed to act a certain way, to perform specific tasks. To be ordered. It’s not the same. It would never be the same. And technology like that isn’t hopeful, it’s just...creepy.

But Hinata had been so torn up about that program. Had he missed something then?

Maybe... Maybe I had? But what am I supposed to do? Should I help build that Nanami-san a grave monument when I go back? Or maybe hold a funeral? Would that help Hinata-kun? Would that—

Huh?

Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, h u h?

Komaeda blinked.

Go back? Would I really go back and do something like that? For Hinata-kun’s sake? For Kamukura-kun’s sake?

He wrapped his arms around himself and begun to shudder.

Going back, going back—why would I ever want to do that? At worst, Kamukura-kun will drag me back once he finds me. But that’s only if Kamukura-kun is looking for me.

A pause in his thoughts. Still shivering, Komaeda blinked a few more times, shifting as his thoughts stirred.

Would Kamukura-kun look for me? Would Hinata-kun?

Why would they?

Because Hinata waited for him to wake up? Because Kamukura had saved him multiple times before? Because they both showed consideration for him that he hadn’t seen since Matsuda? When had he gotten so, so—so impudent?

I’m assuming either of them would want to look for me. I’m not worth that much trouble. That’s impossible to think. Utterly impossible.

Komaeda started to doze off again and hurriedly slapped himself awake.

My mind’s going all over the place. It’s...really dizzying.

It didn’t hurt anymore, but he did still feel out of it.

Hinata-kun... Kamukura-kun...

When he stood up, the world spun so much that he tripped. His body hits the dirt and it hurts just as the wooden floor boards had.

I want to see you... I want to see both of you...

Somehow, he managed to find himself in the outskirts of a nearby city. He still didn’t feel well. Body aching, headache resurfacing, everything spinning every now and then.

He steadied himself against the side of a building, stumbling along and wincing.

I want to see them, but... I can’t unless I go find them.

Still, he knows that’s almost impossible for him right now. After all, there’s somewhere else he wants to go before... Before he can write this journey off as a success.

It was getting dark out, making it harder to navigate. He ended up tripping over rubble and debris, but managed to catch himself even as his head throbbed.

Leaning against the cold wall, Komaeda sighed as he rubbed his forehead. It still hurt. He was likely bruised. But that was fine. Nothing he wasn’t used to, after all.

There are flickers of stars above.

Komaeda forced himself to keep on moving as more and more stars twinkled into existence.

Because the city lights are still busted, you can see them more clearly than before. That was the case with a lot of cities. Though, sometimes, the sky would still be too cloudy to see anything.

He might end up having to sleep outside tonight. Sleeping under the stars. What a romantic thought.

I might end up sicker. How unlucky.

But he should be fine, right? Bad luck begets good luck. He wonders what awaits him after all this. Deep down, he doesn’t want to think about it. He just wants to move on. He wants to get as much traveling in as he can.

After all, it’s a long way from here to...

Komaeda staggers, sharp pain shooting up his legs and spine, leaving him shuddering as he falls forward. He lays there, taking in deep, heavy breaths, nose stuffed and running.

It hurts... It really, really hurts... It hurts all over.

All the same, he scrambles, hand shaking as he tries to drag himself forward in spite of the pain.

I just... I’ve really overdone it. I need to find a place to sleep now. But is here really alright?

It hurt to think, but he still had a really bad feeling. He should try to pull himself ahead a little more. Just in case. Just in case. It’ll be fine either way but, he’d like to moderate things the best he’s physically able. He’d like to have some semblance of control over the situation.

Just some would be nice.

Light suddenly shined down on him, making him flinch.

“H-Hey! There’s someone over here!”

Ah. Good luck, or...?

“Just take it easy.” The voice was soothing, albeit a little rough for his tastes. The hand that shook his shoulder was careful. “Easy, easy.”

Komaeda whined softly, letting his eyes fall shut.

“S-Someone get a medic!!”

He wakes up later in a tent with a doctor tending to him carefully.

“Ah, ah,” they clicked their tongue at him warningly. “Don’t push yourself so soon. Finally awake, are you? You were asleep for quite a while. We didn’t expect to find any people here. This area is...pretty small, fairly remote.”

Komaeda stirs a bit, to the doctor’s stern glare. He sheepishly ducks his head in apology and lays there more obediently. He looks around. It’s small, it’s cramped. There’s an open first aid kit and a bottle of alcohol tucked away in the corner. For treating, for drinking? Komaeda couldn’t be sure.

“I was visiting my parents’ grave,” he said. “But the storm really was a stroke of bad luck.”

“You’re pretty lucky to have been found,” they said, almost brightly. “Our section was just passing through and got caught up as well. It was a really bad storm so we did some searching before moving on.”

Komaeda nodded. “I see.”

For a while, he’s quiet, wincing a little as the doctor dabs at his wounds.

“We’ll be delivering you to a safe place, soon,” they told him. “Was anyone with you?”

“Anyone...?” He blinks, registering the words and then averted his gaze. “No... I’ve been traveling along the entire time.”

Servant stood there, staring down at him. And then, with a rustle of his chain, Servant ran his thumb in a horizontal slash against his neck.

Huh?

“I see,” the doctor hums. “Where are you from, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Um... Pretty far from here,” he answered. “Actually, I... I do have somewhere else to be. So while I appreciate your kindness, I have to get going.”

Servant grimaced.

“That’s too dangerous,” the doctor said sharply. “What if you came across one of those wretched bear units? You’d hardly be able to defend yourself. Is where you want to go that important?”

“It’s very important,” Komaeda insisted. “And don’t worry about me. I can manage on my own just fine. I’ve done so for close to my entire life, so...”

The doctor shoves him back harshly.

“Where do you need to go?”

“H...” Somehow, the truth spilled out. “Hope’s Peak. My... My friend was buried over there. After visiting my parents, I wanted...to visit him, too. I managed to get all the way over here just fine, so I’m not too worried about the trek there.”

They frown at him. Servant, too, is frowning.

“Hope’s Peak... What a wretched place to be buried. Do you not know all that happened there?”

“Of course I do,” Komaeda said, faltering. “It was broadcast all over. It was quite...quite horrible...” His gaze flickers to his left arm. “But that’s where my friend was buried and, aha, I can’t exactly move him, you know... That would take a lot of digging...”

No answer. Their eyes narrowed, the irises and pupils unnaturally dark.

Komaeda blinks up at them helplessly.

“Sensei...? Is something wrong...?”

The doctor closed their eyes and took a deep breath.

“I apologize. When they brought you to me, they had brought the bag you were carrying as well. I couldn’t help but be curious about who you were—so I looked through your things. And I found a picture. I recognized the uniforms. I recognized the other person. How could I not?” They hissed. “When it comes to the medical field, few names come up like Matsuda Yasuke.”

Servant stood so far away. And yet, even from here, a deep chill settled on Komaeda’s bones. Once again, Servant ran his thumb across his neck.

“You’re one of them, aren’t you?” they asked, softly, delicately, as if the words could shatter everything in a moment’s notice. “A remnant of despair.”

They moved fluidly like water running through, seeping through the cracks. Their fingers wrapped around his neck. Distorting and twisting, Komaeda could only barely register how they squeezed and pushed.

He writhes, he chokes, they only pushed harder.

“Please die,” they whispered just as everything crumbled up.

I can’t!

The ground shuddered, throwing them off balance and giving Komaeda the opportunity to kick hard. It went by quickly. He scrambled away, but ended up slamming into the ground when his ankle was grasped. He heard another hiss, a harsh curse, and then was pinned down, earning him to struggle anew.

“N-No...! No!”

They covered his mouth, muffling the sounds, and forcing back would-be screams. And then, he remembered.

“Nagito. I shall save you one last time.”

Kamukura-kun.

He reaches out, and his fingers close around the neck of the bottle tucked away in the corner.

Kamukura-kun!

He swings with every bit of strength he has. The bottle shatters, and the doctor falls to the ground with a cold, hard, thud. Crimson pools and seeps from their head, and Komaeda flinches before shakily peeling himself away, holding the broken bottle closely. The mixed stench of blood and alcohol hang in the air.

Then there’s another tremor. The tent shudders. And then, the earth rocks and splits. Komaeda dives for his bag as he does. He can’t be sure if the screams he hears are from the others outside or his own.

There’s debris he has to dig his way out of, and it’s a struggle yanking his bag out as well, but unsurprisingly, he survives hardly more worse for wear.

Several others weren’t so lucky. Quite a few people are trapped and groaning, shaking. Someone is crying out as they try to dig out another person.

Komaeda blinks once, surveying the damage, the destruction, and then he immediately runs.

With everyone else as focused on this tragedy as it were, no one noticed nor called out to him.

He’s not sure for how long he ran and for how far. It was late out, incredibly dark, very difficult to see.

He ran until he couldn’t, falling to his knees and panting heavily. His face was damp with sweat, drool, and mucus. Maybe streaked with blood. He could practically taste it, after all. Iron with a bitter, acidic aftertaste.

Komaeda threw up. He hurled and heaved until his stomach was empty, trembling as he wiped away the saliva and the bile.

“That...was really, incredibly unlucky...” He swallows, laughing pitifully. “W-Wasn’t it, Servant-san?”

With how dark it was, he couldn’t even see Servant if he were able. Maybe it’s better that way. It’s a chilly night, the kind of chill that’s indisputably lonely. Shakily, Komaeda pushed himself up, sniffling as he did.

He walked on, shambling all the way.

His feet hurt, so he couldn’t walk for long. Still he walked until his legs shook so badly that he slid back to the ground. He leaned against the ruined remains of a wall, pulling his bag close. He zipped it open, pulling out a flashlight to flick on to make searching through it earlier.

He finds the picture easily, unfolding it to observe.

“Despair really is...such a wretched thing.” Komaeda sighs. “But it’s a burden I have to carry, just like I do with your memory, Matsuda-kun. It’s your fault. If it hadn’t been for you, I would’ve forgotten everything by now.”

If I had...would I be happier? It’s still ironic to think. Matsuda-kun put so much work into the removal of memories, but he did everything he could so that I wouldn’t lose mine. So that they wouldn’t completely waste away.

Setting the picture aside, he went to grasp his pendant. But instead of gripping it, he merely brushed his fingertips over the cold, worn surface.

His neck would likely be bearing some hideous bruises. With how it hurt to swallow, it was likely swollen already. He turned back to the picture, taking in the tendrils of darkness wrapping around it. He adjusted the flashlight, but then the light began to flicker until it went out. Now it and him were left back in that total darkness.

The batteries. Those were the last ones I could find. That really is so, so unlucky.

Komaeda sighed again, leaning back and shoulders slumping.

If I am to be carefree, I suppose all I can do now is shut my eyes. What difference will it make? I’ll just close my eyes without worrying—about tomorrow and about the future.

Breathing really did hurt so much.

This really was a night of nightmarish despair, but...when morning comes... What will be there on horizon?

Light. Light begun to peek above the horizon. Komaeda perks up, blinking a few times drearily, and then registering footsteps and the world became brighter.

That’s right. Matsuda-kun, I’m sorry. Being carefree, being without worries; I’ve gotten to a point where that’s impossible. But no matter how much darkness I’m dragged through, light always awaits not too far beyond. Like bad luck and good luck. Like despair and hope.

Someone like him could only ever look forward. Because no matter what happened, no matter what came to pass, the end would never cease to elude him. And it really was—unbelievably terrible luck that he had to realize that!

It’s terrible! It’s absolutely terrible! So much time wasted! This really is just the worst luck! But, because it’s the worst luck that I’m going to be kept from that ending I desired for so long...

The footsteps stopped, and Komaeda turned, giving a smile.

I think that’s why I can accept this. Just accept you.

“Hinata-kun,” he said. “Kamukura-kun. Good morning.”

The person stills for a moment, but swallows and sighs.

“I finally found you, Nagito.” With that, they step forward and take his hand. “Come on.”

Komaeda could only giggle as he was pulled up. His legs gave in, but he was quickly held closely and steadily.

“Don’t run away anymore,” they murmured, holding him tightly and fiercely. It was warm. So wonderfully warm. “Neither of us—are ever going to let you run away again. And... We won’t run away either. We’re going to stay with each other and face the future, Nagito. I—I swear it.”

“I believe you mean it,” Komaeda replied quietly, embracing him in return. “I don’t think I’ll be able to escape from either of you again. Haha. Ahaha..”

He takes a deep breath, and sighs one last time.

“I’m yours and yours alone. Just kidding.”

Unsurprisingly, neither of them said much of anything as Komaeda’s wounds were treated. Hinata grimaced as he cleaned off his face, cleaned off the blood that wasn’t his. Kamukura stared intensely at his bruised neck to the point where it was rather embarrassing.

Still, they didn’t say anything, and Komaeda was a little grateful for that. He didn’t even complain when he was hoisted up. He just wrapped his arms around the other’s neck and clung to him. They took his bag for him.

So gallant!

Komaeda giggled as he was carried.

“Are you going to yell at me?” he asked. “How long were you searching?”

“Long enough to make myself scream,” was the response. Komaeda clicked his tongue.

“That sounds like Hinata-kun. What about Kamukura-kun?”

No response.

“Yeah,” Komaeda hums, nuzzling against him. “That sounds about right, too.”

A pause. Komaeda listened to that steady, drumming heartbeat.

“I don’t want to go back just yet,” he said after a while. “I wanted to visit Matsuda-kun’s grave. Can’t you take me?” He presses. “Do you remember? We’ve gone together several times before, Kamukura-kun. Please? Please can we go?”

Hinata stills for a moment, and he sighs.

“If I do that, will you promise to behave from now on?”

“What kind of question is that?” Komaeda asked. “I was going to try either way, but... Someone like me is just going to screw up, you know.”

“That you’ll try is the most important part,” Hinata said. And then, Kamukura took over. “Very well. We can go, Nagito.”

Komaeda beamed and kissed his cheek in gratitude.

“Thank you! At this rate I might just fall for you! Juuuust kidding!”

Servant-san, I have a few theories on why it was you showed up. But since you know all those already, I don’t see much point in relaying them. Still I can’t help but think about them all the same...

He kicked his feet as they rode the train together. He leaned his head against the other’s shoulder, letting his eyes fall shut. When his lashes lowered to a mere sliver, he thought he saw Servant sitting across from them.

But when his eyes flew wide open, there was no one there save for the setting sun outside the window.

“Something up, Nagito?”

“Oh, no, nothing.”

Was it really just a glitch in the system? Or was it purely psychological? Perhaps it was both? Perhaps there was a part of me that—just didn’t want to lose despair. Not because despair itself is worth anything, but because despair taught me a few things that I mustn’t forget.

Unsurprisingly, he was sure that Kamukura watched him sleep whenever the two of them took up shelter. Hinata, too, kept nearer than necessary. Their behavior was understandable, really.

They likely didn’t want him to run away again. And if that was the case, the least he can do was indulge.

But perhaps he indulged a little too much.

“If you won’t let me sleep on the floor then you should share the bed with me. It’s not at all fair that you sleep on the floor while someone like me...”

“I-I already said not to worry about it! Just drop it!”

“Hmph.” Komaeda rolled his eyes. “No. I won’t. Share the bed with me.”

“U-Urk!”

“Do it or I refuse to sleep.”

There are times when I try to imagine you. But am I really imagining you or imagining my old self? It’s hard to say—but that image is surprisingly faint. When I try to remember the world you know, it all seems so red and so fuzzy. In the end, I just don’t even bother anymore.

“I can cook something if you’re sick of rations, Nagito.”

“Eh, eh, really? What a luxury! This really does feel like a dream!”

“There should be some canned foods around here.” Hinata shifts through the shelves. “This place has been pretty thoroughly ransacked, but there are still stuff we can use.”

“Then let’s grab as much as we can!” Komaeda immediately swiped several cans into his bag. At that, Hinata scowled.

“Oi, oi, who do you think has to carry that?”

“I can carry it,” Komaeda said. “I’ve been carrying it. It’s no big deal, Hinata-kun.”

“I-I’m the one carrying it! And that’s that!”

“Ehhhhh?’

“That’s that!”

There are also times when I try to remember Matsuda-kun. And Kamukura-kun as he had looked. Right now, his appearance is stuck between that and Hinata-kun’s. Hinata hasn’t been cutting his hair, so it’s rather long. But it’s still not as long. What was I talking about again? Oh. Right. Memories.

“The sand feels much different here. It’s coarser, I think!”

“Nagito, are you quite done?”

Kamukura looked utterly unimpressed with him. Komaeda puffed his cheeks right back and shoved his feet deeper into the sand. It burned a little, but he could handle it just fine.

“It’s just a minor break,” he said. He pouts. “You don’t need to be such a grump about it, Kamukura-kun! If Hinata-kun were awake, he’d understand!”

“False,” Kamukura huffed. “Hinata Hajime would not understand. I would know.”

Komaeda’s frown only deepens.

“Nagito, you’re the one who wishes to go to Hope’s Peak,” Kamukura pointed out.

“Let me just walk along the beach a little longer,” Komaeda said, almost sharply before his tone softened. “Just for a little while longer.”

The moments I can recollect with Matsuda-kun can sometimes be strikingly clear. So much so that they feel more like dreams. And others, well, they’re not so clear. As for how that makes me feel—really it’s impossible to explain. I’m sure you understand.

Even in a broken, recovering world, the main building of Hope’s Peak Academy stood tall. Hinata shuddered upon staring at it, so Komaeda reached out and squeezed his arm.

“I can go on my own,” he said serenely. “I’ll come back swiftly. You don’t have to worry, Hinata-kun.”

“Like hell I don’t!” Hinata exclaimed harshly. “I’m never letting you out of my sight again, Nagito!”

Never can be such a long, long time.

“Then, are you alright?” Komaeda asked more seriously and intently. “If you’re going to be stubborn, then at least be honest, too.”

Hinata scowled, but nodded.

“I’m alright,” he said and began to tug Komaeda along. “Now come on. Let’s get this over with.”

All the same, they truly are burdens, aren’t they? Memories. And yet, all the same... I’ve decided that I have no choice but to live on and face the future, even as I stumble over memory upon memory. Even if I have to shove you away.

Flowers are still flourishing, but there remain weeds that need to be pulled. Kamukura and Hinata pull most of them, though Komaeda does manage to get his hands on a few.

“Matsuda-kun really has been blessed,” he chirps, humming as he burns the incense. “Matsuda-kun, it’s us.”

Hinata looks unbearably awkward at first, but Kamukura makes the smooth transition with a smoother kneeling before he clasps his hands to pray. Komaeda, too, prays.

“Matsuda-kun...much has happened. You wouldn’t believe it, actually. Um, I’m going to try and keep it concise.” Komaeda swallows. “It’ll be like—like the reports I used to give when we were in school together? Remember?”

He hardly did, but that didn’t matter.

For now, Komaeda just talked. And talked. And talked.

Servant-san, if I commit to this, I’m going to have to leave you behind. You understand that, don’t you? I’m sorry. But, you know, even though this is only wishful thinking, I’m hoping that with all my heart that I can send you to the same place Matsuda-kun is.

He talked so much that he ended up parched and needing to drink some water. Kamukura had forced an open water bottle into his hand, putting it lightly.

He takes a swing, and sighs.

“It’s crazy, isn’t it, how much things changed in such a small amount of time...” Komaeda hesitates for a moment, biting his lip. “I wonder how you would react. What you’d think. Such things are worthless to ponder, but I still find myself...”

Komaeda trails off. Hazel and crimson both glance towards him, and he shivers.

“I miss you...very much, Matsuda-kun. You were...my first friend and my first love. You—you can’t imagine just how dear that makes you to me.” He can’t help but laugh, softly and ruefully. “Even if my brain starts to rot again and I end up forgetting you after all, those feelings and this significance won’t ever change. And that’s—that’s what I wanted to say most of all, Matsuda-kun. This is...likely farewell, after all. I do hope you’re resting well, wherever you are.”

With all that said and done, he takes a deep breath and turns to Kamukura and Hinata, smiling more genuinely and nodding encouragingly.

“You both have things you wish to tell Matsuda-kun, too, don’t you?” he asked. “You should go ahead and tell him.”

“...”

There was only a quiet nod in return.

All the same, I... Thank you.

“Nagito,” Hinata reprimanded though he can imagine Kamukura with the same look of disapproval. “What are you still doing up?”

Komaeda blinked, shivered a bit from the sudden breeze, and turned back up to the stars with a smile.

“I was just thinking...” He leans against the railing, folding his arms and lying his head down. “Looking at the stars while out at sea is romantic. The only thing I’m missing is a cigarette, ehehe.”

“You shouldn’t smoke,” Hinata huffed, gripping the railing. “It’s bad for you.”

“Mm, I know...” Quietening, Komaeda rubbed at his neck. “If I didn’t know how horrible it feels to struggle to breathe, then I probably wouldn’t care. But I do know. So smoking is out of the question after all. What bad luck.”

“That’s hardly bad luck,” Hinata said, rolling his eyes. But after a while, his expression falters. “That person...who tried to hurt you... You didn’t deserve that, Nagito.”

Komaeda snorted.

“They treated my injuries even when they suspected if not knew the truth... They were very kind in that regard.” And I killed them. By my own hand. “It happens. Don’t worry about me. With how much I’ve been through—that was just...just one bout of despair.”

Hinata squeezed his shoulder. And then, Kamukura spoke up.

“You are stronger than you think, Nagito.”

Komaeda blinked up at him. Suddenly, they seemed rather sheepish, averting both their gazes and swallowing. Smiling slowly, Komaeda reached out and entwined his fingers with theirs.

“It’s pretty late,” he said. “I think I’ll be going to bed.”

They nodded. Komaeda tugged, just a little.

“...you’re going to join me, right?” he asks, almost slyly. “Otherwise, how are you going to keep an eye on me?”

The stiffen and—there is color that pools in those cheeks. With the stars as a backdrop, it’s an utterly enchanting sight. He wants to engrave this moment on his heart forever.

He bites his tongue so as to not risk ruining the moment and merely tugs once more. His hand is squeezed in return.

“...let’s go, Nagito.”

Komaeda feels his own face tingle with pleasant, rosy warmth.

“Okay.”

They swipe their thumb over his neck, kissing the bruises softly.

“Later,” is the promise, and Komaeda can only swallow and arch his back.

They were both so gentle with him. But both surprisingly clumsy as well. Strange yet so, so endearing.

Each kiss had tasted of salt and spice, both similar and different to the kisses shared with both of them before.

All he knows for sure is that they’re just as warm as he both remembered and dreamed.

It’s surprisingly cloudy when they return to Jabberwock. But when he first sees the islands, he freezes up. Hinata squeezes his hand.

“Easy, easy.” Komaeda flinched, but then Hinata started petting his hand, kissing along his knuckles. “It’s going to be okay, Nagito.”

Komaeda swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment before nodding.

“If you say so, then I suppose I should believe you.”

And he left it at that.

The ship’s horn was blaring as it neared Jabberwock. Komaeda pressed close to Hinata, practically clinging to him for balance when a wave crashed into the boat.

“Sorry, that startled me,” he mumbled, pulling away. Hinata, rather flustered, just rubbed at the nape of his neck while avoiding Komaeda’s own elusive gaze.

“D-Don’t worry about it.”

And so he didn’t. Instead he refocused on Jabberwock.

It wasn’t much longer before it was time to disembark the ship and reenter the islands. Hinata still took his hand, and Komaeda kept his head down as they walked off.

Then, he heard the rustling of the chains. He hurriedly jerked back, and there was Servant. Servant gave him a cheerful smile as always, waving him off, mouthing words of good luck. Words that Komaeda could not hear.

“Nagito...?” Hinata pulls him back, both by hand and with his voice. “Nagito, what’s up? Did you see something?”

Blinking a few times, Komaeda notes that the rustling chain he hears is actually that of the ship’s attached to the anchor. And that Servant is nowhere to be seen. He sucks in his breath and shakes his head.

“No, nothing.” He mulls over those words, and then he laughs them off. “I might just be a little out of it. Sorry, Hinata-kun.”

“You don’t need to apologize...”

All the same, they keep on moving, with Komaeda pressing ever closer to Hinata, as if Hinata would keep him steady every step of the way. He needed that for now. Just for now.

There wasn’t much fanfare about his return. But there was more than he had expected that there would be.

“Don’t EVER fucking do that again, alright, Komaeda-san?!” Sonia scolded him harshly. “Something very dangerous could have happened! Please! Be more careful!”

“Yeah, you could’ve given this entire island a goddamn heartattack with that stunt,” Kuzuryuu grumbled. “What if that jackass in charge of the Future Foundation heard about that?! We’d all be in serious danger.”

“That Naegi would’ve been in hot water, too,” Koizumi murmured.

“Hinata seriously freaked out,” Souda said. “Even that other guy seemed affected.”

“Y-You don’t need to tell him that!” Hinata exclaimed.

“If we got in hot water because of you, I’ll tear off all your nails,” Saionji hissed. “Don’t do this shit ever again, got it, Komaeda?”

“Were those bruises from some kinky play?!” Mioda gasped.

“T-They look pretty...serious...” Tsumiki leaned in too close for comfort.

And Komaeda had enough.

“Can you all just...give me space?” They all blinked at him, quieting for a moment, and he raised his voice. “I’m tired. I just want to go to my cabin and sleep. All of your chattering is giving me a serious headache.”

“Hmph!” Tanaka seemed less than impressed. “You say that after casting a dark cloud upon this domain! The audacity—!”

“I mean it,” Komaeda hissed. “If you all have complaints than write them down so that I can read them later. Just crowding me is going to make me sick. I’m seriously going to throw up.”

They all backed away at that, all save for Hinata who only sighed.

“Yeah, guys, it’s... It’s been a long day,” he said, and pulled Komaeda close. “We can talk about this later but for now—Nagito seriously does need his rest.”

Saionji made a sound of disgust. Souda raised an eyebrow, but Kuzuryuu elbowed him before he could say anything. Sonia turned to the others with a stern look, and with that, Hinata ushered him away. Even as he felt various stares on his back, none of them were following, at least.

That, Komaeda could almost be relieved about.

“...I need more time,” he said, almost quietly, almost as though it were a secret. “I need more time before I... I can comfortably be around any of them. I’m sorry, Hinata-kun, but... I really was so close to vomiting with them all so close... And that wasn’t even all of them.”

Unsurprisingly, a few hadn’t come to greet them, but—there had still been more than enough of them.

“I can’t do those morning meetups,” he whispered. “I just—I don’t have the stomach or the sensibilities for it just yet.”

Surprisingly, Hinata gives an understanding nod.

“Alright. Then I’ll tell them to back off for a bit. If they bother you, let me know, alright?”

“What are you, a babysitter?” Komaeda couldn’t help but snort. “Well, that likely is one of your talents.”

Hinata rolled his eyes, but his smile was one of good-natured humor.

“Here you are,” he said, opening the door to his cabin for him. “I guess I’ll be seeing you?” Then, more seriously, he added. “We’re going to be keeping a keener eye on things.”

“It’s okay, I won’t run away anymore.” Komaeda licked his lips before leaning in and kissing his cheek. “I’ll see you, Hinata-kun.” And then, a kiss on his other cheek. “And you, Kamukura-kun.”

Kamukura touched his cheek and sighed softly.

“We shall see you, Nagito.”

With that, he kissed Komaeda’s forehead before going on his way. Komaeda waved them off until they were out of sight, and then he shut the door.

Things fell into a—not entirely comfortable, but tolerable routine for the time being.

He mostly stays indoors, be it reading or resting. Sometimes he goes outside for walks. When he does, the others keep a closer eye on him. Which is just what he deserves, so he doesn’t mind.

Hinata tends to wave him over daily. Sometimes, Hinata brings food and they eat together either in the shade or on the beach.

There are times when he gets overwhelmed enough to shut himself inside all day. Hinata checks on him, but it’s brief and just to make sure he’s still alive and as well as he could be. On days like these, he squeezes his pendant.

Those days are among the more difficult, but all the same, tomorrow always comes. Like the tides at sea, things start to settle for at least a little while.

It’s spring on Jabberwock but as always, it feels like summer. There’s a strange, detached sense of nostalgia from that. But all the same, he enjoys another quiet, peaceful day.

And then, Hinata approaches him, seeming rather anxious.

“Nagito, um... How are things?”

It’s suspicious. But for now, Komaeda plays along as though nothing’s amiss.

“Things are fine,” he said. “Slow and boring, but fine. Frustratingly lackluster at times, but...” He picks at his nails. Hinata’s gaze flickers. “It’s to be expected. I’ve been thinking... I’d like to take up gardening. Some of the others have—and it looks pleasant. But...”

He gestures almost helplessly with his half-arm.

“I would just get in the way...like this.”

Hinata blinked, and then, “Y-You do struggle a lot. With that. Right?”

“It’d be worse if I still had her hand attached,” Komaeda answered smoothly. “I suppose I should thank Kamukura-kun for that.”

Hinata flinched, but Kamukura’s calm expression smoothed over.

“What about you?” Komaeda asked, changing the subject and smiling at them plainly. “Has anything happened?”

“A few things,” was the answer. “But nothing you need concern over for now.”

For now...?

“I... We have a gift.”

A gift?

Thoughtlessly, Komaeda touched his pendant.

“Ah, um... F-For...?”

“Your birthday,” Kamukura said simply. “It is today, is it not?”

Komaeda got horribly flustered.

“Y-Yes, but I didn’t expect anyone to worry over that! A-Ahaha, I mean, I thought they’d all focus on Koizumi-san, since her day’s earlier and she’s... Well, she’s far more helpful than I am,” he mumbled. “Just you remembering makes me happy. You don’t need to give me a gift, unless...” He couldn’t help but blush more darkly. “I-Is it...something like...?”

“It is tangible,” Kamukura said, but lowered his tone. “Of course, we can do that as well.”

Komaeda squirmed, chewing on his lower lip.

“Tangible, huh...” Slowly, carefully, Kamukura reaches out and tenderly touches his face. Komaeda’s smile breaks a little. “Is it like a bookmark? Maybe...a book? Or did you handcraft it?”

“It was made by hand, yes. Though we also received some assistance from the others. Nagito...” Kamukura takes his hand and tugs. “It’s at the hotel. Please come with us to go get it.”

“You’re not trying to lead me into a trap, are you?” Komaeda asked softly and sardonically. “Because I’d fall for it if it’s you.”

“It is nothing of the sort.” Kamukura looked almost unimpressed at the thought, so Komaeda laughed. “Nagito, be serious. Let us go.”

“Okay! Okay... Ehehehe...”

Aah, my heart won’t stop hammering.

A few of the others were there. But only a few. That way, it wasn’t terribly overwhelming.

“Ehhh, so that guy dragged you out here, huh?” Souda asked. “Well I just...wanted to see the look on your face personally. And to give my soul friend some support.”

“I am here well...as a show of support,” Kuzuryuu said, waving his hand and elbowing Souda, earning a yelp.

“I just wanted to take your picture,” Koizumi said. She was fidgeting quite awkwardly a bit with her camera. “Since it is a special moment, and... You told me happy birthday with a smile, so... It’s only fair I return the kindness.”

Komaeda laughs, waving it off with his nub. “Oh, Koizumi-san, that’s so much kinder!”

She shakes her head but before they can argue, Hinata clears his throat.

“I, um... The gift’s right there... On the table.”

Mioda strums before gesturing to said gift on the table while Sonia cheerily clapped along. Komaeda perks up, and blinks.

The gift, it’s—

It’s wrapped up artfully. The wrapping in question is white and—covered top to bottom in signatures.

“Ibuki’s signature is the biggest!” Mioda exclaimed, strumming again. “Because this is a BIIIIG celebration for Nagito-chan! Ticket sales have already doubled in price! The lottery’s a huge hit!”

“My signature is the second biggest,” Sonia chirps. “It is a proud tradition, after all! A big fat merry birthday to you, Komaeda-san!”

“Sonia-san, such an angel...oof!” Souda groaned at the next jab courtesy of Kuzuryuu before forcing a laugh and waving his hand. “A-Anyway, uh... Yeah, we... We all signed it. Even that guy, right?”

“I did,” Kamukura said easily. Souda shuddered a bit but hurriedly pushed onward.

“S-So just... Just think of this as a gift from all of us, and...er, an apology...” Souda scowls, rubbing at the nape of his neck. “We were, uh, pretty jerkish to you... I mean you’re still a weirdo, but...!”

“But nothing!” Kuzuryuu hissed. “What the idiot means is that it’s our fault you got dragged into that crazy bitch’s bullshit. If you hadn’t been our classmate...you might’ve been able to escape...the whole despair thing.” He shrugs. “You were the one person who didn’t fully buy into it, Komaeda. Even if we had problems in the past, well, it’d only be fair to respect that now. And...to apologize. For everything.”

“Yes, what Kuzuryuu-san has said.” Sonia nods solemnly. Koizumi rubs at her arm, her expression dark. Even Mioda, too, seemed rather somber. “We are not asking for forgiveness, of course, but... We wish better for our future. We cannot take full credit for the gift, however. Hinata-san and Kamukura-san worked the hardest on it.”

“Then,” Komaeda said. “You aren’t just apologizing to ease your own sense of guilt?”

There wasn’t an answer. Souda scowled, but he ultimately bit his tongue to stay quiet. Komaeda looked towards Hinata, Kamukura, but quickly turns back to the gift.

“I suppose I might as well open it,” he said. “Even if what’s in here isn’t something I deserve—receiving a birthday present is still nice. It’s been years since last time.”

Matsuda-kun... I still don’t know if I can ever accept these people...or myself, but...

He peels the paper off gently, taking the upmost care to not tear the wrapping. He looks over all the signatures, and swallows. The gift is surprisingly heavy.

I can’t pretend...this act of kindness doesn’t move me.

It’s a case. He opens it, and, it’s as if a pin drops.

I can’t deny how happy this really does make me, even when it still hurts so much.

“We’ll have to attach it,” Hinata murmurs. “And after that, it’ll work great. It’s been fine-tuned to hell and back. Does... Does it at least look alright?”

Komaeda’s breath hitched on a sob as the tears welled up.

“H-He’s crying?!?!”

“Waaaaaah! Nagito-chan is crying!”

“Oh no, don’t cry, too, Ibuki-chan!”

“Give him space!”

“I-Idiots—don’t crowd him!”

Tears splattered onto the cool metal of the arm, and then, Komaeda couldn’t help but burst into a laugh, and smiled so widely that it hurt far more than the pang in his heart.

“It looks wonderful! Thank you!”

His picture gets snapped, but he doesn’t focus on that, he just focuses on Hinata. On Kamukura. And the smile that they give him.

That, too, squeezes his heart just as the sight of the hand had.

Matsuda-kun... Servant-san... I’m really, truly happy.

It required an operation, but that went without a hitch with Kamukura handling everything. He still felt a little woozy afterwards, but that didn’t stop Nidai from rambunctiously ruffling his hair nor Owari from insisting on an arm wrestling match. Thankfully, Sonia had firmly put a stop to that.

Togami—ah, no, not Togami, that’s right—had placed a hand on his shoulder. Komaeda smiled anxiously in return. Mioda had been quick to make faces so that he could laugh more easily.

Sometimes, he’d get overwhelmed again. Exhausted. Tsumiki, even if the two of them still had difficulty meeting one another’s eyes, was always quick to user the others out when she noticed. He...appreciated that, at least.

“W...Wait...”

Pekoyama pauses, as does Hinata. Komaeda gives an apologetic smile to Pekoyama and gestures towards Hinata. Pekoyama nods and leaves with the rest.

Hinata approaches him and reaches out, taking his new, mechanical hand.

“I’m glad it worked,” he murmured. “I’m so glad it did... I was really, really worried it wouldn’t.”

Komaeda’s smile fades.

“Hinata-kun... Kamukura-kun, too... Can I ask...why you did all this? Why it mattered so much?”

“B-Because...” Kamukura didn’t immediately cut in to save him the embarrassment, so Hinata was left stuttering on. “Because... You’re important to us, Nagito. Very. You...”

“I’m kind of a wreck and a mess, you know,” Komaeda pointed out not unkindly. “It’s strange to think you don’t just act out of pity.”

They were both quiet for a moment, and then, they took his other hand, and lead them both to the scars hidden by those dark strands. The hair wasn’t as short as it used to be, the spikes were longer, shaggier, and... It was clear Hinata wanted to grow his bangs out so that these scars were all the more hidden.

Komaeda brushes his fingers against them, both mechanic and organic. Hinata lets out a soft, rueful laugh. Even on Kamukura’s face, it looked a little twisted.

“You’re not the pitiful one here, Nagito. We swear it.”

Komaeda ruffles his hair, humming.

“Well,” he said. “I don’t find either of you nearly as pitiful as I used to. I actually admire you both a little, but...don’t take this to mean I’m not still wary. I adore you both with all my heart, and I love you a lot... But...”

“Yeah,” they laugh again. It’s calmer than before. “Understood. That’s just how you are, Nagito.”

Komaeda blinks and then he leans in, pressing his lips to the crown of scars.

“I’m glad...that I was born,” he said. He pulls back, touches his pendant, and then he squeezes both of their hands. “I-I’m actually really glad I was born. For all the despair, for all the hope, for all the disappointment, the excitement... I... I’m happy that this was how it all turned out.”

His hands were squeezed in return, and then, they leaned in, brushing their lips against his hesitantly. Once. Twice.

“N-No... Not when I’m still all wired up and woozy...”

“A-Ack! Sorry!”

“It’s okay... Just stay close.” He wrapped his arms around the other tightly. “Thank you.”

He’s held in return, the other takes a careful intake of breath, and then they sigh, petting his hair and kissing his temple.

“I’m glad you were born, too, Nagito. I... We both are. W-We... We’re happy... We both love you...very...very much.”

Komaeda shivered, and just hearing those words—were more than he could swallow. All the same, he nodded and observed his new hand, how it caught sunlight and seemed to shimmer.

With a hand like this, he really did feel like he could reach out and grasp that shining future.

Be steady, my heart. I—I’m sure that everything will be just fine.

25 notes · View notes