#and frankly... I've got various reasons I'm pissed off... but as I said up there... can't actually fucking say what's on my mind

[medicinemane]

Well, I'm getting to do therapy, ultra mega super fucking extreme edition for my mom today

She's having a fucking breakdown cause GOP cost cutting means medicaid is being a bitch and being like if you're on medicare you no longer qualify for medicaid unless you can work and then and only then will we let you do a buy in

It's bullshit, it sucks, it's a stupid and broken system and someone being on disability should count as any work, but she's having one of the most extreme fucking breakdowns of all time over it

Like we're talking going on about how it's all her fault that the cats died who were living in the trailer cause of how toxic she let that place become, or that she's an utterly selfish person... and I'm sat here having to find ways to spin shit because she puts me in a position where in order to get her functional... what? I say "yeah, pretty much"?

Then she's like "I apologize for anything I've ever done to you", not accepted and never will be. You're doing shit to me right this fucking second with this

There's no atonement and that's kind of tough shit, and maybe if you wanted atonement don't make me parent you right now

I'm having to talk her down from being suicidal, cause I'm fucking Machiavellian with shit and I need that disability check to keep coming in

She's crying and just having the biggest breakdown she's probably had since one of my worst memories which I'm actively working to suppress cause I can't deal with it right now. She's fucking going over the various ghost shit and apologizing for it, and it's like I don't fucking care, stop fucking trying to pure and make yourself the horror that made everything awful... you're pretending to take responsibility, but what you're really doing is demanding I absolve you of everything

You know, the shit she's saying and the shit I was saying yesterday aren't that different. We both think we're hugely worthless pieces of shit who are totally unlovable (and my grandma is probably to blame for both mindsets)

Difference is that for as much as I downplayed it and said it didn't even count as cleaning, I was fucking moving like 10 boxes around to try and get things in a state where I can figure out how to clean shit, where as she's a totally nonfunctional mess

Like as much as everyone seems to want to bitch about when I'm... literally just trying to share how not ok I'm doing as best I fucking can, even when I'm at my lowest I'm still trying to work on shit

...also, one thing that's different between her and me is I've never been emotionally incestuous with my kid to the point where the very concept of family makes them sick, made them be my parent, and am now forcing them to be my therapist despite the fact the emotionally engaging with them is one of the single most destructive things I can do

I don't know... I'm real shit today, I'm gonna have to be in the car for like 4 but really more like 6 hours with her cause of the way she drives, cause I've got to go see family today and it's gotta be today cause that's when my uncle's around

I'm basically... fucking animating myself, like I'm in that state where you're not letting yourself fall apart cause you gotta hold it together cause you don't have a choice (oh, and I haven't fucking slept cause right when I was gonna go to bed I got summoned to come play therapist)

I'm shit right now, and I was already in a bad way... and in fact I'm doing so badly that I can't even maintain my normal fucking facades and politeness... nope, turns out that's not true and in fact my facades run deeper than I do and I 100% am still not gonna say certain things

But yeah, it's a shit day, one of the worst in a while cause it's probably the worst my mom's been in like... two decades... so that's fucking great huh?

Bonus, this bullshit with medicaid has cut her therapy sessions

If anyone gets to be pissed at them it's me, and I fucking am pissed, they can go fuck themselves, and everyone who votes to cute medicaid can know that I personally dislike them immensely

Unlike my mom though I'm not a literal fucking 12 year old (not even kidding, her problem is she's emotionally still like 12 or 14, she's literally fucking stunted there). Unlike her... I fucking function even when I'm doing bad

But serious, I was awful yesterday, just absolutely one of my low points. Only reason maybe I seem better today is basically the emotional equivalent of adrenaline

I'd be falling apart right now except for the part where I never actually fall apart or have breakdowns

[grison-in-space]

Have just returned from Matilda's first puppy class, with an outfit I've previously had excellent experiences with, and I am furious and sufficiently baffled that I want to know if there is any way I'm missing something remotely reasonable, possibly as mediated through an inappropriately confident and poorly trained instructor. Or possibly just something new and incredibly dumb, IDEK. Baseline assumption is that this guy is puffed up on his own credentials*, insecure and inappropriately prescriptive about it, and that the broader company has fucked up on placing him with a class and/or that he's gone rogue in some way. If not, I want to know before I go lose my shit tomorrow morning when I call the school.

So, trainers of dogblr, can I get thoughts and opinions on:

an exercise involving holding two puppies firmly around the chest, marching them up to one another face to face on handlers' knees, and holding them nose-to-nose for 3sec; then turning one puppy so they're nose to tail for 3sec, then reversing and holding them nose to tail the other way 3sec, then cookie and retreat--this under the auspices of "teaching greeting behavior". Came with ignoring any signals of puppies not wanting to participate in this frankly batshit exercise and not modifying anything for variations in puppy age or range of development; I think the class is for 8weeks thru 14 weeks but we got delayed a week by the Snows. This alone had me ready to nope the fuck out and call next day. This exercise was apparently important enough to do twice.

An exercise holding puppies in a "relaxed puppy hold" (after the "greeting" exercise, mind you) in which the instructor described a few calming signals and then said that you want to actively see those things in the puppies because they are "signs the dog is calming itself down" as opposed to signals of discomfort or stress. Encouraged puppy handlers to hold the puppies firmly until they see calming signals "because that is how puppies learn to calm themselves down." No concept of stress thresholds or how to handle a dog beyond its threshold introduced.

Prescriptive insistence not just that puppies should sleep in the crate (totally fair; Matilda sleeps crated and will at least until six months) but that the crate should be located outside the bedroom to "teach the puppy where it is in the hierarchy". One person raised his hand and asked "if things are going fine, there's no real crying in the crate, and it's in the bedroom--can it stay there?" and was told in no uncertain terms no.

Relatedly, one person asked how to tell the difference between frustration whining and a puppy that actively needs to go out and pee. He informed the person that he expected everyone to "be able to tell the difference in the way they sound" and that real need to go outside had more of a whining quality. I suggested that if you can't tell, you should try taking the puppy outside to pee for ten minutes and taking it back inside afterwards. He "corrected" me that if the puppy DOES pee, it has earned its freedom! and otherwise it goes back in its crate! (My dude, Matilda has not earned her freedom at six in the fucking morning when she warbles to go out and pee. She has earned the right to go out and pee with her tiny baby bladder.)

Like, am I missing something here?! There was exactly one exercise involving practicing not jumping for a cookie that was any use at all, and there was zero free play time at all. Restraining the puppies got about three times as much emphasis as the fucking name game. And there was absolutely zero room for variation in household rules or variation in how puppies were handling various exercises--this in a class with puppies ranging in age from probably 9 to 14 weeks!

Christ on a crutch, I'm pissed off.

*(a degree in psychology and neuroscience, apparently, which are... uh, the depts I work in as a postdoc at the local university, so go the fuck off I guess and if I ever tangle with that motherfucker again I'm going to say so)

[issysindieblog]

INTERVIEW - SPINN

SPINN are quickly winning over a fan-base across the UK from locals in their hometowns in Liverpool where they grew up to now adoring teen girls and this comes as no surprise to anybody. They have the cheek yet optimism of a new band despite completing their final lineup only last year and will no doubt continue to roar through the UK music scene and gain an army of avid supporters in years to come. This month, the boys are embarking on a tour of the UK, playing a series of gigs up and down the country from Glasgow to Bristol. They finish the tour off on the 28th September back in their home-city of Liverpool (O2 Academy 2 Liverpool). They've impressively already managed to sell out three of their six dates and have recently announced that they have been signed to American label, anti fragile music. The thing that the band are chuffed about though? The fact that one of their songs, It's Not Getting Better, was played on Made in Chelsea earlier on this week.

SPINN have released eight songs so far, including a self-titled EP which was released in April of this year. Singles of their's include catchy 'It's Not Getting Better' which is a song that stays in your head for days after first hearing it's memorable lyrics ( "you know it's killing me being here, killing me, being here.”) and groovy guitar lines which resemble that of early work from Blossoms.

Pictured below, SPINN.

So, (currently) 180,000 monthly Spotify listeners, a UK tour this month with half of the dates sold out and a growing army of supporters, I had questions for Johnny from SPINN and these were his answers... Maybe I'm slightly biased, but I think that these are the best answers to an interview that I've ever read.

1. Was there a particular moment that you realised that SPINN were becoming popular?

I was once getting a meal deal in Tesco and I saw somebody walk in the shop wearing a SPINN teeshirt. I was absolutely buzzing that somebody was wearing some of our merch and later on they messaged our Instagram page and said they'd seen me but had been too scared to come up and say hello. The same thing happened to me when I saw Ex-Everton Winger Steven Pienaar in a different Tesco. That made me realise we were doing something right, I still think we've got a while to go before we can say we're properly popular though. Just got to keep working innit x

2. Away from making music and gigging, what are your favourite things to do together?

Honestly just knocking about with each other like we always have, is what we like to do. Usually it can be anything from just walking around the shops together to going on nights out and staying up till 8AM. Last week Louis had to stay at my flat and we spent the time going to Tesco and prank calling Sean.

This has been a very Tesco centric interview I'll try and steer away from that for the rest of it. Right that's besides the point, as long as we're still knocking about together and taking the piss out of each other, we'll enjoy it x

3. You're going on tour soon, do you each have an essential item you will take with you?

I try to bring a book of some sort for the drive currently, it's Nine Stories by J.D Salinger

Andy ALWAYS brings a hairdryer and various hair products, rocking a bowl when you're on the road ain't no easy fete!

Sean usually just brings himself, that leather jacket he's always got on. A spare bass guitar wouldn't go a miss either, though. Once he left his on the side of the motorway when we were on the way back from Derby, good times.

Louis brings his Aston Villa blanket and 20 Litres of Vape liquid, the little fiend.

4. What/who are your major influences?

Collectively: The Drums, The Smiths, The La's, The Cure, Orange Juice, Ride, My Bloody Valentine.

Individually: Too many to list xoxo

5. Let’s fast forward five years from now, what do you see SPINN doing?

Ideally I'd like to get to the level of Wolf Alice or The 1975 are at now, that would be the dream. If we keep on working then I can see no reason why we can't get there, if we don't then that's fair enough, but we have to at least try! Anyway that's the dream, as long as we can make a living off the band and keep writing music that develops and matures with us then I'll be happy.

6. Do you have any pre-gig rituals?

I always have to go on stage last, I don't know why. At particularly big gigs we listen to 'I Am A God' by Kanye West before we go on, because it's such a good tune for getting hyped to. Other than that, apart from the odd bout of stage fright it's usually just a beer with the boiz before going on.  

7. How has your music evolved since you first began playing music together?

I think our songwriting has definitely improved. When we listen to our new stuff compared to our older songs, it's just in a different league, that only comes with experience though. I think that us touring has definitely helped us realise what is what in terms of song structures and live performances. So to answer the question properly, yeah we've got a lot better (even though we thought we were boss before when we weren't lol).

8. Can you describe each member of the band in under ten words?

Andy - A man who loves his haircut more than life itself.

Sean - Donned in a tight leather jacket he's often quite hungover.

Louis - A small man, usually asleep in his Aston Villa blanket.

Me (Johnny) - Taller than the other four, basically the god of dancing xoxo

9. How long have you been playing together? 

Louis joined about a year ago, but we've been a band for about 2 and a bit years. Saying that, I don't think we would be SPINN without Louis so therefore I'm gonna say a year.

10. What has been your favourite and least favourite venue to play so far?

My favourite was The Magnet in Liverpool. There's so many boss memories there but now it's been turned into one of those chain comedy clubs which is something that chips away at my soul every time I walk past.

My least favourite was The Sitwell Tavern in Derby. Everybody who came to see us was lovely and so were the other bands and the promoters Dominic (just wanted to make sure if they read this they know I had a boss time at the gig and in the chippy afterwards ;) ).

But, and it's a big but, the pub had fuck off massive "The S*n" flags up all over the gaff which frankly isn't something we like to see anywhere, as we think that that rag is scum, sorry not sorry.

SPINN set out on their debut headline tour this month at the following locations:

21st September - Surf Cafe, Tynemouth

22nd September - Broadcast, Glasgow

25th September - Record Junkee, Sheffield

26th September - Hy Brasil Music Club, Bristol 

27th September - Thousand Island (formerly Upstairs at The Grage), London

28th September - O2 Academy 2 Liverpool

Tickets are available to buy now at https://www.musicglue.com/spinn-band/ and all of SPINN's music is available to stream on Apple Music and Spotify.