#and he's supposed to be the smart one? smarter than the real isaac?

[beevean]

Me: G!Dracula is so emotionally weak fr, look at him <3 Going on a rampage everytime a wife of his dies <3 He got so many issues. Doesn't even know how to cope with death despite everything <3 I love him, tall bastard <3 N!Dracula: *Is shown as emotionnally weak, not able to cope with his wife's death, to the point of seemingly not giving a fuck about the war he started himself, or anything else for that matter, except "wife dead and i have only one friend :("* Me: Wait what the fuck. This isn't how i love my babygirl.

lmao, you have to strike the right balance

Obviously the games don't go much into detail about Dracula's grief, not even the ones made after SoTN. CoD is an interesting case because Dracula implies that he suffered at the hands of humanity, but doesn't elaborate. Still, it's interesting when you put the games in order that Dracula ends SoTN apologizing to Lisa and Alucard (in English only)... and then he's up to his old shit in later games like nothing happened. dude's too far gone.

Dracula in the games is mainly hatred incarnate. Sure, he stays up in his throne room waiting for the current Belmont/hero to show up instead of smiting the fool right at the entrance, but it comes off as arrogance, "I don't need to lift a finger because I have a whole army of monsters at my disposal", not apathy. And S1 got it right! He's so obviously in pain, but his reaction is to literally make gore and monsters rain from the sky to spread his reign of terror. But by S2, they tried to humanize him too much and went into the opposite direction: I can't look at this

or this

or this

and see Dracula as a terrifying Lord of Darkness.

(nvm that i hate the scenes with isaac also because dracula and him take turns to shit on hector, leave that man alone ffs)

"Is he still loyal?" remember when in the MF manga he swears that he'd turn Hector into a lowly demon and force him to drink sewage for the rest of his life? Yeah, Dracula wouldn't be this blasé over the mere suspicion that one of his closest generals might be turning traitor.

I'm really starting to resent humanization, when it comes at the expenses of the established cruelty and charisma of a villain.

[amillionmillionvoices]

ted lasso fic - keeley/roy, ted/rebecca. rating: t. 9k. thank you to @atheneglaukopis and @professortennant for indulging me!

-

dressed up to the eyes, it’s a wonderful surprise

Roy can admit, if only to himself, that he’s been in love with Keeley since the first time Jamie Fucking Tart brought her out for a dinner with the team. He’s fairly certain Keeley knew Jamie was showing her off, but she’d been sweet and jovial and even managed to rope him into a one-sided conversation, to which he remembers responding with mostly grunts, even when he could barely take his eyes off her, and while he’d questioned her judgement in dating him, of all people, he’d quickly learned that Keeley was more than a fit, footballer’s trophy girlfriend. She was quick and funny and smart as hell, smarter by far than Jamie, but she seemed to like him, and Roy still doesn’t know if it’s that, or simply his own cowardice that kept him (mostly) silent about it.

He also isn’t exactly sure what she’s doing with him now, why she’d choose an angry, washed up footballer as her partner, but he knows enough not to look that particular horse in the mouth. Instead, he does as many little things as he can for her—brings her tea when he knows she’s having a rough day, cooks her dinner, slips his hand into hers when he thinks no one’s looking.

Keeley is far more demonstrative, but he thinks she knows what he’s trying to say, when he turns up her favorite song on the radio or rubs her feet while they watch the news, smirking to himself at the little moans she makes.

She’s taught him to be a bit more open, a bit less guarded. Taught him his soft side isn’t necessarily a shortcoming, as he’d always thought. She’s made him a bit kinder, a bit less angry, at himself and the world, and he knows he can never really pay her back for that. She asks so little of him, seems content with who he is, as he is, and all she ever seems to need is his presence, his respect, his honesty.

It’s the last one he has the hardest time with, especially on days like today, when her smile is beaming and she’s talking a mile a minute about the gala, how she convinced Rebecca to join her in offering themselves up for auction, since Sam and Isaac with both be out—Sam sick with the flu, and Isaac in Basildon visiting his grandmother. She’s saying something about dragging him dress shopping later, smirks at him and tosses her hair over her shoulder.

“How much do you think I’ll go for?” she asks, and Roy rolls his eyes.

“However fucking much I have to pay for you.”

Keeley beams. “So romantic,” she says, but her eyes are bright and he knows she knows there’s no way he’d let her auction herself off to some handsy pensioner, or worse.

Roy drums his fingers on the table as she talks about dresses, interjecting his thoughts as she shows him a few pictures on her phone, but he can’t stop thinking about the other thing she said, the other person on the rich man’s chopping block.

He knows more about Rebecca than the rest of the team—knows what she did, and why. He doesn’t blame her for it, though he harbors a bit more resentment than Keeley and Ted, he’s sure. But she’s stepped up lately, been a good ally—a few months back, when the press did a rather scathing article on him and Keeley, Rebecca was the one who raised so much hell they retracted the article. When Nate found himself stuck in Sheffield, Rebecca drove herself (and Ted) to pick him up. She’s been in the locker room more, or so he’s heard, and whenever he picks Keeley up from the club, Rebecca always makes a point to drop in and say hello. Roy’s found her and Ted with their heads pressed together more than once, at a bar or in her office, and it’s been good, to see her softer side—the “real” Rebecca, as Sassy put it one night.

He knows her past, too, though, knows who she was married to, and knows without a shadow of a doubt that putting Rebecca on stage is an absolutely asinine idea. Keeley seems so proud, still talking about how much they’re going to raise for the children, that it takes him longer than it probably should for him to gather the courage to catch her gaze.

She stops, mid-sentence, and frowns. “What?”

He opens his mouth, then closes it. “Nothing.”

“No, what?” she insists. “You’ve got that face on.”

“What face?”

“The ‘I want to say something that’s going to upset my girlfriend and I don’t want to get in trouble for it” face.”

“I don’t have a fucking face for that.”

“You do, you’re wearing it right now.”

“Keeley—”

“Tell me.”

He sighs, taps his finger on the table for a moment, then squares his jaw. “Rupert‘s gonna bid on her.”

Keeley blinks. “Who?”

“Rebecca. If you put her in the auction, Rupert will bid. And he’ll win.”

“No, he’s not coming,” Keeley says firmly. “He’ll be out of town.”

“Wasn’t supposed to come last year either,” he reminds her, and tries to keep his voice soft. Keeley slows, and her expression falls into one of confusion, then guilt, and he hates himself for bringing it up, but it’s better, he thinks, to tell her now than let her find out tomorrow.

“Shit,” she says, scrambling up from the table to pace the length of her dining room. “Shit fuck shit.”

continue on ao3

[rcris123]

Isaac was up before any of them. And maybe to his own surprise Arthur slept throughout the night with Sebastian’s hand into his own. More or less at least. The medallion was on the ground. A light squeeze of the palm he’s holding. Eyes dart up – Sebastian’s still asleep, leaned against the foot of his table. Poor bastard; came all this way and for so little as himself...

Thoughts were all over; his forehead burned up like a furnace – but he knew that. Everything else, one big goddamn mess in his head.

Colm wanted to sell ‘em to the Pinkertons, using him as bait. It’s the one thing he told Dutch when he came back...

And Isaac. All that time he couldn’t forgive himself for leaving Isaac alone like he did. And the boy clearly ran off to Sebastian wondering where the hell his Pa’s gone. And nothing tore his chest apart more than knowin’ they barely survived another one of these...

This one was worse... He hoped, prayed the shoulder ain’t gonna come down with gangrene, ‘cause at this point it’s already feelin’ numb, itching up and down like an ant’s nest. He still felt Sebastian’s hand in his own.

He should try getting-

“Augh- Shit!” Well that woke him up. “I’m sorry...”

He can’t move. Just getting his head off the pillow made it feel like it was made of lead and like the brains fell out of the back of his skull. A light tug of the arm from Sebastian; teeth grit, air’s sucked in with a wheeze.

“Shouldn’t of done that-” Sebastian’s voice is thickened by sleep.

“Ah, you couldn’t of known.” And he still hasn’t let go. A pang inside his guts. The gang met him, that much was obvious, he wondered what Isaac told them about him. But words don’t come help him.

“How are you feeling?”

“About as well as I look, I guess...” Arthur sighed. “What ‘bout you?”

“I ain’t feelin’ half my body.” Sebastian cracked a laugh, and he tried one for himself, but the groan bubbled inside his chest regardless.

A short silence, allowing the pain to settle: “So... They let you stay?”

“Don’t know.”

“What did Isaac say-”

“I escorted him back to camp the day he couldn’t find you. John and the Irishman brought me in thinking I’ve done something to the kid.” A deep breath in from Sebastian, as if drawing courage: “He said we was lovers. So they won’t shoot me then and there I guess.”

Lips purse, another pang inside his guts and a shiver flowing up: “Guess that’s that then...”

But they ain’t lovers. Far from it. They-... What the hell was they that they ended up like this.

Do he have to play enamored now? He ain’t no actor and he rather despised pretending.

“You don’t have to-”

“I ain’t intending to.” Arthur had to be blunt, and it might of come off as rude, but he just ain’t knowin’ what he’s feelin’. It ain’t uncomfortable, just rather odd, ‘cause he still held onto the man’s hand like his life somehow depended on it. Heart picked at a gallop; he just had to say this: “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I can’t make heads or tails of it all.”

“I ain’t much smarter on the subject, Arthur...”

“Guess we gotta figure something out-”

“We?”

He ain’t noticed how he used them words until it came outta his mouth.

“Guess there’s a we now... At least if you intend on stayin’.” Do you?

“Ain’t decided yet...”

Somehow the decision seemed to of been made the moment they put their hands together the night before ‘cause they ain’t let go yet.

Miss Grimshaw checked up on Arthur not much later, and by extension that meant Sebastian too – who got a scolding only Susan could pull off. She would of kicked him onto his feet. That’s when she notices, both of them did: Sebastian screamed in pain, trying to get up, grabbed his shoulder. Miss Grimshaw seized him and yanked the shirt off. Bandages, a fresh wound.

“Where’d you get this Mister-”

“Castellanos...”

“We gotta find you a bed. Quick. Arthur how’d you let him sleep like that-”

Arthur didn’t know, just looked on with concern as he was dragged off; and Sebastian looked back at him. Isaac just returned then from where-ever he’d been gone before.

“Pa?...”

“Someone’s hurt him...” Again.

 They found him a spot somewhere by Kieran, not too far off his tent. That kid’s been nothing but kind, to them all and Sebastian too; both outsiders. It’s been fun for a while, makin’ fun of the ‘O’Driscoll’ but that clearly ain’t the case no more. Boy’s been delegated to goddamn nursemaid. Arthur insisted on apologizing. Then Sean came and chewed Sebastian’s entire ear off. Sat on a chair, accused him first, then started talking of his Da and other things of his homeland. Bedridden both o’em they got no place else where to be, so it was Irish history hours for the both of ‘em. Ain’t been so bad after a while: slept like a baby to that, or maybe it was just the fever that made him so goddamn drained. One thing’s for certain he’ll be hearing Irish slang in his dreams from now on.

All week Ms. Grimshaw and Mr. Pearson swung by often; both trying their best to keep Sebastian down. He knew the feelin’ all too well. But they got fed well, bandages cleaned.

Still Arthur’s fever ain’t subsided well. Bouts of sudden dizziness and heat. No matter how much he tried to get back to functioning like a human it ain’t seem to be possible.

It took two more days until he could sit up for more than half an hour.

At least Sebastian’s doin’ better than him. Dutch got rather sick o’ him one time thou, squawked about a wounded dog in his camp; so Kieran took him fishing for most that day. Pearson was ecstatic to have so much fish. He made a fish broth, and it’s been something he ain’t known he needed or longed for.

Both Isaac and Sebastian stood on his bed, slurping hot soup like they ain’t ever had it before. And that somehow stuck with him. He pushed himself to draw that, even if it wasn’t one of his brightest ideas, a monster of’a headache split his head by the end. He ain’t known what to write beneath it thou. Not yet.

Days pass still and the camp’s getting all the friendlier to Sebastian, what Isaac said about them felt almost like a memory and the man like he’s always been there. He was a father. He could tell, by the way he’s taken to the youngest in the camp, and especially the girls; he snuck in to help Tilly and Marry-Beth with the chores Grimshaw gave ‘em. Arthur was sure they ain’t ever got cleaner clothes. Sebastian even taught Isaac how to properly scrub a shirt.

He got pangs inside his stomach whenever he thought about that. About, well, Sebastian, and what a whole ‘nother breed of man he was. How’d they even end up in the same place. How’d Sebastian end up in a whore house! That man laying down for others... And he ain’t sure how all that’d be working; lay on one’s back, spread his legs and hang his mouth open. Did his cock get hard-

Jesus.

It ain’t like that...

 No. There ain’t no denying it.

One day, Sebastian came to him. His shoulder was doing only better; at last he could move it with at least somewhat more accuracy. He was thinking of going hunting again, but Sebastian came to him.

“I saw you writing a lot.” He did. Kept him busy all these long dreary days where he was in-between ill and well. “I thought you’d have more use for this than I do.” Sebastian hands Arthur a pen.

A real fancy one: polished copper, and it ain’t no fountain pen, it had all the ink inside, and on the side two arrows. Jaw clenches. It was the first time since they held hands all those weeks ago that Arthur got that physical or affectionate: he pulled Sebastian into a hug. Man huffed against him.

How thy hell was he supposed to thank for that. He ain’t got no words. Nothing, nothing at all than a heart that drummed. He ain’t deserved any of the kindnesses Sebastian did to him.

Arthur ain’t deserving nothing...

“Thank you.” It was low, a rumble, spoken right next to the man’s ear. “Thank you.”

 That day, Arthur tied that medallion ‘round his neck, the Saint Sebastian one. It had to be a lucky talisman. And he finally knew what to write in his journal next to that drawing of him and Isaac eating fish broth; with the new pen to boot. That day he went up to Dutch:

“How are you feeling?” man asked, smoking his afternoon cigarette like it was a ritual; the gramophone blaring its high pitched song.

“Much better.” Arthur replied; inhaled to gather courage:  "Guess I need some days away after beein' cooped up in 'ere for weeks. Just me and the kid."

Dutch looked at him before puffing out the smoke, voice was inquiring: "And Sebastian?"

"And Sebastian."

Dutch threw the cigarette away, stomped the butt with his heel and moved closer to him:

"You know it smells of rotten business to me"

"Dutch!” Arthur got insulted plenty times but being called a fool for trusting a man he knew he could trust really offended him. Arthur can fend for himself and Sebastian ain’t no danger to the camp, just like goddamn Kieran. But that ain’t what Dutch meant. Lips purse, Arthur draws away; the remark is cold: “You know that all that matters to me is loyalty. ..And Isaac. Isaac's been all uppity these past few weeks. He needs some time with his Pa."

“Ye’r coddling him Arthur.”

“That ain’t ye’r call to make.” Don’t talk to him about parenting, Dutch. They were both outlaws and that ain’t a gentle life and not one fit for a kid that ain’t asked for none of this, least of all his Momma getting murdered like she did. “The kid ain’t an outlaw and I ain’t makin’ one o’ him. I want him to have better than I had. We all do.”

Dutch fell silent for a moment, then next he spoke his accusatory tone was gone:

“I hope you know you’re like a son to me, Arthur.”

“I know...”

 They still left that day.

“Where we headed, Pa?” They barely left camp, but the boy was smart enough not be heard.

“Sebastian?” Arthur ain’t really got much ahead of him, while he reckoned the man had something to return to.

And in all these weeks he still ain’t learned what exactly happened that Sebastian got his shoulder stabbed; he only said the obvious: someone was displeased and took corrective action. Arthur could only wonder if he was from the Molly-house, or maybe a client, to say it delicately.

“Well... I should be heading back to Saint Denis.”

“Then we’re comin’ with you.”

“No-” A purse of lips, a deep inhale. “No matter what I say you’ll still come with me, won’t you?”

“Guess that much is obvious. Lead the way, pardner!”

“How the hell did I get stuck with you?”

“We have a bad habit of getting nosey.” Isaac said in Arthur’s stead. This kid...

“You’re a menace and a half, boy. Hope you’re well aware of that.” Arthur intervened; yeah there was still a smile on his lips.

“Yes, sir.”

Laughter from all three of them.

“You raised quite the son there, Arthur.” Sebastian spoke. “Knows how to talk back, but for Christ’s sake can’t wash a shirt.”

“It ain’t like that!” Arthur chucked and the offense in Isaac’s tone could be felt, not just heard. “Pa!”

“Settle down, Isaac. He means you no harm.” Father talked to son; Isaac scowled but the road went on regardless.

It took a while before more serious topics arose:

“Where are you intending to stay? In Saint Denis I mean.” Sebastian asked.

“Can’t we stay with you?” Isaac replied with another question.

“Don’t think it’s a great idea to be staying in a Molly-house of all places.” Arthur tried, but he knew where that sentiment came from. Kid got used to Sebastian.

“It’d be for the best...” Obviously Sebastian ain’t enthusiastic either. “But there’s plenty hotels around the city. The Grand Hotel has plenty rooms, you should check there.”

“And now that leads to the question of money. We ain’t the richest people...”

“One dollar per night.”

Shouldn’t be too bad, but-

“How long are we gonna stay?” Isaac took the thoughts from his head.

“Dunno. I...” He looked at the boy. “I gotta think of some things over.”

More exactly: how to honor Isaac’s wishes without leaving any of the gang behind. John’s got a family of his own, wife and child. The girls, they can’t keep living like this. There’s a few men he reckons would fit better someplace else; the young ones: Sean, Lenny, Charles, even that Kieran kid, get the boy to work at a stable or something. But it ain’t easy talking to stubborn idealistic men: Sean might sooner die than give up robbing rich folk. Well he ain’t wrong, but their goal’s always been getting the money then getting out.

Seems there ain’t enough money in the world for people like them. They almost had all they needed in Blackwater, but that’s done and over-

Or was it. They ain’t knowin’ Sebastian, if only he and maybe that Kieran kid went back to collect, they might just get their hands on those money. It could give Sebastian a life. Whatever he got hurt over ain’t worth it and he reckons the man should pack his things and go.

But he can’t without the money, and Arthur ain’t sure he wanna pop that question to him.

A sigh.

“Everything a’right?” Sebastian sounded caring, and truth be told Arthur’s been silent for a while now.

“Nothing worth ruining a good mood over.”

“We in a good mood?” Sebastian cracks a laugh.

“Would you wanna be?”

“If I wouldn’t know you any better, I’d be sayin’ you’re flirting with me, Arthur.” Was that a dare, Sebastian...

But the kid had to speak up: “Everyone in camp think that anyway...”

“In no small part thanks to you.” Sebastian says.

“My own son snitching on me...”

“But the two of you are getting along.” Isaac continued with his statement. “You held hands- ”

“Isaac... It ain’t like that-”

“I just wanna know, Pa.” Isaac bowed his head then picked it up again: “You ain’t got sweet on anyone since I can remember. And it ain’t like you gotta be Dutch, bringin’ in girls once every few years, but... Well, Sean and Lenny all got sweet on the girls in camp, and it made ‘em happy! Thought someone might make you happy too, ‘cause Momma’s-”

“Isaac... You sweet kid. I’m well enough happy just to’ave got you.” He’d smooch the boy’s forehead if he wouldn’t be galloping.

He saw that, Sebastian, he saw that smile. And he ain’t quite sure what to make of this feeling; the heart’s heavy thinking that somehow he led the kid to think that it’s his job or someone else’s to keep this poor fool happy, at the same time’s filled with warmth ‘cause Isaac was, despite Arthur’s worst, shaping up to be a real good man. The boy has a chance at a real family, if only Arthur could gift him the freedom of a steady life.

There ain’t nothing easy...

Silence falls again and Saint Denis opens at their feet. They left Sebastian at his place, while they went on towards the Grand Hotel. They lodged in.

He was thinking of ways to earnestly earn money and maybe get Isaac involved as well to try and give him the chance of a honest livin-

“Mary?...” His mouth hangs open and he holds Isaac back, pressing the boy against his body.

“Arthur...” She was just as surprised to see him as he was to see her. “I... I would have wrote you a letter...” She looks down at Isaac, whose head whipped back looking for an explanation from his father. “That’s your son.”

“Isaac. Yes. He was real young when we- uhm...” The explanation was for the boy.

“How old is he?”

“17 this upcoming October...”

“I didn’t know- I. Arthur, I didn’t think you- You raised the boy an outlaw too.”

“No!” Don’t go accusing him, Mary... “He ain’t ever robbed someone- He’s always helped people, Mary. He’s most considerate.”

“Oh, Arthur, but if you couldn’t get out of your ways how’d you ever expect him to do so? You’re so tied up in your, your ideology-”

Isaac snapped: “We will get out.” Arthur kept him down. “We just gotta take care of a few people.” His son’s sounding more and more adult by the moment.

Mary looked at Isaac most shocked, a hint offended, then back at Arthur: “I’m sorry, Arthur... I see it now, no matter how much I still think of you, it would never have worked between us.” Arthur pins Isaac down when the boy tried to speak up again, shooting a glance back at his father with irritation. “You’ve been lying to yourself and your brought up your son to think the same! You think this ends somewhere? If it does, then change something, Arthur-”

“Don’t you speak to my Pa’ like that.” Isaac growled.

“Isaac.”

“I’m sorry, Arthur... I... I have to go now.”

Mary passes by them and trots downstairs. Arthur inhales deeply.

“C’mon. To our room.” A gentle nudge, and of course the boy picks up on the shift in his voice, the way the tone lowered and got drained of it’s usual sarcasm.

“Pa’, you can’t let people, that know nothing of us, speak to you like she did. It’s unfair.”

“People ain’t always fair, Isaac.”

“But you cared for her. She should have been.”

“Ain’t you getting your lil’ head wrapped up in some drama it ain’t supposed to be in?”

“You loved her, Pa, didn’t you...”

“Long time ago. Yes. You were real young.” Arthur sighs, opens the door to their room and steps inside after Isaac. “She couldn’t compromise and I couldn’t neither; ‘cause I was an outlaw.”

“But you tried.” Isaac sat on the edge of the bed. “I know you did.”

Arthur sits beside him: “That ain’t meaning I did my best...”

“I ain’t no outlaw.”

Arthur drags the boy onto his lap and presses a kiss on his back: “No, you ain’t.” A hand goes to comb that always messy hair of his: “You got gentleman material about you. You’ll be a great man, a great husband. Don’t let me stop you.”

Isaac shifts in his father’s embrace to wrap his arms around him.

“We gonna get out. And it ain’t only gonna be me.”

That’s a big dream, son...

 Night fell. He couldn’t sleep, but Isaac found it soon enough, sprawled on the expensive bed. Instead Arthur found himself on the narrow balcony smoking a cigar; cause just a lil’ bit of tobacco won’t do right now.

Mary just had to come in and make it all the more complicated – well, more like heartbreaking. At one point he dreamed, he really dreamed that he could be a husband to her, and her a mother to his son. But there was no way that was ever goin’ to happen, just ‘cause he is who he is. And how can he blame her and say he ain’t at fault that he’s an outlaw that can’t leave the life.

He should of left now, with Isaac for his sake. And he really wanted to. But it ain’t that easy. Arthur ain’t alone out there; John, Abigail, Jack, they’re going through the same struggles as him. They need a way out too. And if Arthur just left the guilt’ll follow him to his grave. Him and John grew up almost like brothers, annoying and dumb as he was Arthur cared ‘bout him, but mostly about his family, ‘cause the moron became a father almost entirely by accident.

And it wasn’t like Arthur became a father by design.

He can barely remember Eliza’s face. He saw her few times...

The cigar was reaching its end...

He left the balcony after the butt was thrown away. A hand goes in the satchel to grab a bottle of whatever liquor he had in there. And it all went down his throat in one go. Then Arthur went out the door, downstairs and out into the street.

He thought back to Sebastian-

He found a few more bottles of alcohol on himself. He stumbled half drunk into the brothel:

“Hi there mister-” language is slurred. “Hav’you seen Sebas-”

“Arthur?” he climbed downstairs, barely in a shirt and suspenders.

“Sebastian!” a big smile, a stumbled forward.

They more or less landed in each other’s arms. The lil’ saloon was quite busy tonight-

“You drunk, friend?”

“Just a lil’ tipsy.” And kind of missing a friend, hey- did Sebastian just call him friend...

“How’s Isaac?”

“Asleep- Can I talk to you ‘bout something-”

“Anytime.”

A hand lands heavy on Sebastian’s chest and stays there, fingers finding their way underneath the suspenders; head bows:

“I met Mary today.” He doesn’t know who Mary is, Arthur. “Mary’s- You see, I loved her a long time ago. I missed her so long.” Sebastian’s body stiffens. “I met Mary today an’ I made a fool o’myself... Said I wouldn’t- couldn’t change. And Isaac’s... Isaac’s told her off-”

“Sebastian, take him upstairs!” the bartender shouted.

“It ain’t like that!” Arthur shouts back at the man, returns his head to Sebastian soon after- “I ain’t wanting sex-”

He guesses he just wants a companion.

“Come outside with me.” Sebastian drags him outside, more or less pulling him on the hand; Arthur follows.

“Sebastian- I ain’t got ‘nough words to, just, thank you- Oh, I’m afraid you caught a fool...”

“At least you ain’t a moron.”

Arthur laughs: “Guess I got that...”

“I was thinking you got more than that...”

He’s not sure what he was alluding to: “You?”

“What?”

Voice gets low and raspy: “Do I got you?...”

It ain’t that cold out, but there’s goosebumps raised on Sebastian’s arms. The man looks down; a pause:

“You’re wearing it-”

“You saved me countless times, I-”

“I didn’t bring you back when Isaac needed it.”

“But that ain’t the point! You saved me.”

“You have any idea what place you pulled me from.” Sebastian grabs the collar of his shirt and brings him closer. “Those three weeks in the camp were the most pleasant since-”

“Don’t think ‘bout that-”

Sebastian’s head drops again, fists pull Arthur closer and he just leans in. “I ain’t no Saint.”

“Like that’s what we’re meant bein’. I’m an outlaw for Chrissakes...”

A bitter laugh bubbles out of Sebastian: “Maybe I should be one...”

“And I who though we were tryinna become more upstanding citizens.”

“We... We.” His fists clench in Arthur’s shirt. “You still ain’t told me what you’re wanting to talk about.”

“Do I gotta ask again, goddamnit-” He’s feeling light on his feet. “What’s it with you? Do I. Got you.” He leans into Sebastian.

Silence. Bent over each other on the side of the road, Sebastian’s fists into his shirt, Arthur’s arms at ease beside his body, breath stinking of all sorts of cheap alcohol they just sit like that, like some broken down statue that you can’t tell what’s was ever meant to represent.

It’s a strange feeling bubbling in his gut, sweet and sour, tastes and burns like bourbon on his tongue; the more he sits like this the warmer his insides become, his palm, his temples, and heart starts beating like a drum, heavy. He remembers Mary for some reason... An electric shiver runs through his body, from the chest down, into his guts.

Arms lift at last, place themselves on Sebastian’s waist. Head dips up and closer in. He only catches the sound of a breath cut short when his lips press onto the other’s neck, just above the collarbone.

Retreat came quick.

Sebastian tilts his head away from where Arthur kissed, as if ashamed, as if allowing him for more.

Silence once again until Arthur couldn’t handle him looking at him like that, hair swept to the side of his face, eyes half lidded and expecting.

“That’s what I am to you?” Arthur speaks up at last.

“If you want that...” Sebastian’s lips tremble.

“Dunno what I want.”

“You seemed pretty convincing to me-”

The second one is ravenous, mouth presses wide and wet onto Sebastian’s neck, lips draw skin beneath them, then teeth. He moaned.

Arthur pulls away, startled, until bodies are no longer together. Breath is quick and shallow. He looks away. So does Sebastian, but his gaze quickly returns:

“Anything you want to take upstairs?”

The word that bubbles in his mouth is different that what his mind’s thinking, but lips purse and he’s got the notion that he has to weigh the heaviest feeling: that part of him wants this. Sebastian cares...

His name dangles from his neck, and his pen in his pocket.

“Yes.”

[louu-7]

everything i don’t know

on wattpad

CHAPTER 2:

“So, girls, how was your day?” Ask my father while cutting a piece of meat and looking at me like I did something bad.

I do my best to ignore it when my mom starts talking about her meetings and boring business calls that she gets all along the day. She’s financial manager, so she’s got to manage a lot of things in the business. She works for a luxurious brand of clothes so, we can say that she earn a good living.

It’s the same for my father, he’s the leader of the vineyard of the island. Yes, the whole island. This is why he wants all of us to be perfect; because he’s got influence everywhere in this land.

“It was pretty basic for me,” Alyssa shrug. “I study a little and got a trip with some friends to shop and gossip.”

“What about you, darling?” Dad insists, and I look up toward him while shrug at my turn. “I studied a lot, and I also read, that’s basically what I’m doing everyday so…”

“Lucy told me that you were at the beach this morning.”

I raise some vegetables to my mouth and swallow before respond that I came back before lunch.

“And nothing happened?”

“Go ahead dad... I know when you want to reproach me for something. I did nothing bad I can promi-”

“So what happened with this pogue and Nate?” Isaac intervenes with an air of superiority. “Nothing.”

They all look at me while I’m dropping my fork and frown. Let’s fight again, against everyone single one of them, just because we’re gonna mention the pogues. My mom and Alyssa seem more surprise, they certainly don’t know what happened, contrary to my Dad and Isaac...

“They were beating him up.”

“But it was a pogue, that was none of your business young girl.” Mom tell me off and I raise my eyebrows. “I couldn’t just walk away without saying anything, I’m not a monster.”

“You are by talking and helping them.” Isaac hurl me and my father agree by nodding. “No I’m not, you are by letting Nate beating him up like he-”

“We are doing our best to keep you away from them and you always find a way to approach them!” Yell my father with a strong voice, making me shiver. “OK, I think I’m gonna go.” I answer with a quiet voice before leaving the table to quickly climb the stairs and prevent myself from letting my tears flow.

I enter in my room and lock my door so they just leave me alone. As usual they’re all together, and they know how I am, I’m not like these people who just let things happen when they can act, even more in this kind of situation. I still can remember of the violence of the punches that this pogue received, all for nothing, he was just doing his job, I guess.

I let myself fall in my bed and grab the book that I’m reading lately, Dark Romance by Penelope Douglas. This is a real masterpiece; it’s beautiful, deep and the title is a reflection of the story. I love it, and it allows me to escape from this suffocating lifestyle that my Dad imposes to me. Anyway I recommend it to anyone who likes romance.

Moreover, it’s in fact impossible for me to keep in close contact with someone given that my father is overprotecting me even tho I don’t need to be so protected by anyone.

I don’t think anybody know me for real, I don’t even know myself for real because of this constant acting around my family who wants me to act perfectly, to dress like a princess and to feel good when I’m low.

I start reading, under the warmth of my sheets, and with my subdue bed-side lamp which is giving to the room a cozy atmosphere that I could live in for days if I hadn’t to eat, drink or go to the bathroom… it’s the best feeling ever to be here, alone, with music in background, while imagining the story of this crazy novel in my head.

Someone suddenly knock at my door, so I let out a slight sigh before getting out of my bed to unlock and open it. Alyssa’s standing here, looking at me and obviously waiting for me to let her in.

“Well…” I whisper before let her by. “You have to gimme an explanation T, because I understand that you’re young and want to break the rules, but you can’t break this rule.” “Are you kidding me… I didn’t break any rules I just wanted to help him.”

“But you knew that Dad would just get out of his mind. When are you gonna see that he can’t stands them?”

“Oh because you thought that I didn’t notice?” I ask acidly while turning towards her. “You weren’t there instead of me, none of you were. He was lying on the floor, with nobody to defend him and-”

“And you thought “why wouldn’t I help him”, uh? Why? Because of this family, you have to keep your reputation as clean as possible.”

I grit my teeth as she sits on my couch, looking at me, her regard full of reproaches. I shrug and walk to the bed to sit next to her, flatly and sighting again, of exhaustion.

“I’m not like you.”

“I know. Come here.”

She wrap me in her arms and I put my head on her shoulder while looking at the pictures in my mind which are reminding me of the violence of Nate. He’s such an asshole, I understand why I never could stand by him…

“Les talk ‘bout you. How was it?”

She take off her arm of my shoulders to put her look on me. Her eyes are sparkling and she starts to grin, so I can guess that her date turned pretty well. Alyssa isn’t always the best sister, but she’s the best sister that I could’ve have.

We’re not talking about everything like others, and we’re more arguing than hugging and saying “i love you”, but I think our relation is improving a lot lately. She’s talking to me, and even if I’m not opening up a lot because I am the way I am, we’ve never been this close, and I finally can count on someone in this house.

“He was well dressed, and his perfume was… captivating, he was just handsome, and he’s gentleman and kind, and-”

“Got it, he’s perfect. Your Prince Charming. I’m jealous now, you’re happy?”

I let out a little laugh before moving backward in my bed so I can lean against the headboard, and she do the same while taking one of my fluffy pillow to play with.

“You don’t have to, you’re beautiful, and in my opinion, you’re smarter than Isaac and me, but don’t say it to him, he’s gonna go nuts.” She laughs at her turn. “And you’re the only one who seems to understand me so, thank you.” I timidly smile at her before putting back my head on her shoulder.

She’s so sweet with me lately, and I’m so grateful for her to come with me, and talk to me.

“Look, I understand why you think the pogues are good people. They seem to be cool, and chill, and just normal people, but, kooks can be too. I’m not supposed to say that to you, but there is this guy, dark-haired, green eyes and kind of… really tall, she let out another laugh while describing him.”

I frown and turn towards her, who the hell is she trying to describe to me… I keep on searching, in my mind, but I don’t think I know him…

“Oh! Kyle!” I shout out and a big smile take possession of my lips.

Alyssa burst out laughing in front of my reaction of me actually remember a boy that I only talk once, and I shrug after a moment.

“What’s wrong ‘bout him? He never got in troubles, and of what I can remember, he’s pretty smart.”

“He came talk to me once, and he asked if you had a boyfriend or if I thought that he could try his luck with-”

“What? With me? But we don’t even know each other!”

“Yeah I know! So I was like, are you sure, because you should get to know her before ask her on a date or something, and he was like yeah, you right, and I just left.”

“You left like, what? You just let him here?”

I burst out laughing by imagining the scene, and my dear sister just living him alone without giving him some tips or something.

“I think you saved my life by the way. I mean, Kyle’s a good man, he’s sweet and everything but, he’s too predictable.”

“Yeah, and, between us, even if his cute, there’s better. And he seems to be really into school, and class, and lesson you know. I knew it wasn’t your style.”

“Thank you, I confirm, you saved my life from getting out with a boring boy. No offense for him but… you know what I mean.” We laugh and I finish by completely laying on my bed, looking at the white ceiling.

“So, with mom, for tomorrow, she told me to say that your shopping session’s gonna wait a little more… I’m sorry, if you really wanna go I’ll go with you, and it could be great, that we hang out together like… more than now.”

She looks down at me and I prevent myself from becoming unpleasant with her, it’s not her fault, it’s Mom’s, but I was so happy that she proposed me to hang out just both of us that I just feel like she’s giving up on me, as usual.

“No, it’s OK, don’t change your plans for me, it’s nothing. I don’t need someone to be with me like a little girl.”

“T if I propose to you it’s that I wanna go with you, we never do anything together, and lately we’ve been so close. C’mon, say yes to your perfect sister to hang out with her!”

She spreads herself on me while looking at me with an imploring regard, and I can’t avoid the smile which is drawing out on my lips. I look down at her green eyes that are staring at me tirelessly and accept by nodding my head.

“Oh you’re the best! I love you my little sis, and I’m so sorry for the parents and Isaac because they’re acting like you’re doing wrong every time but I have to admit I wish I could be like you someti-”

“No you don’t. Aly you’re the one that mom idolize, how dare you to say that you wanna be like me?” I laugh and she shrugs, still laying on me. She’s clearly squashing me so much I can barely breath, but she’s so cute. “Wait, you already did shopping today. What are you gonna buy?”

“I don’t know, maybe nothing, I just wanna hang out with my baby sis, she answers with a cheesy voice that makes me snicker.”

“I’m not a baby! Stop calling me like that!” Both of us laugh and she sits up straight again the headboard.

~

“Ready to shop babe?”

“Of course I am, I dreamed of it last night.” I laugh while hurtle down the stairs to rejoin her. She smiles at me when I’m finally downstairs and observes my outfit. “No, you’re not gonna tell me how to dress because you’re supposed to be by my side, let’s go before someone stop me to tell me “Eh Thara, go to your room and take off all this pogue’s clothes”.”

“What, these aren’t pogue’s clothes.”

“Yes it is. For them. But it’s my clothes if we think ‘bout it. They bought ‘em for me, so why couldn’t I wear ‘em if I want.”

“Yeah, OK, let’s go.” She says, looking around us to make sure anyone’s here.

I open the door and we get a move on before the parents stop us, then we jump into the black car and ask the chauffeur to drive us to the mall. Eventually, I’m not that locked, even if they don’t wanna let me out without someone with me… I guess it’s OK, I can get out.

“Eh! You didn’t even tell me his name! So, what’s his name?”

“James.

“Ooh, James! Is it a kook? Yeah, of course it is. Is he good enough for you?”

“You know when you feel like it’s the good person, I really feel that when I’m with him, and he’s absolutely hand-”

“Handsomely, awesomely, truly magnificently amazing. I know. Oh, and I forgot, his perfume is life.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the best description for him.”

We laugh and continue to talk during all the ride, and we finish by arrived at the enormous mall. I think my parents never let me go there. I usually shop in the little boutiques of Figure Eight, not in this big mall where everything’s perfect and completely disproportionate. I like it, and I don’t like it either. I don’t know, it doesn’t reflect how I like to shop, but it’s maybe gonna be amazing, and moreover I’m with the best sis ever.

“Where do you wanna go first?”

“I don’t know, is there boutiques that could fit with my clothes in here?”

“Yeah sure, follow me. But before we go to Starbucks. I need my Caramel Machiatto.”

“And I need my Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino. Step one, gain weight to become whales. Everything’s good.”

[chuyenvienmatrixfield]

"Real '996' is not simply working overtime," Ma posted on his Weibo microblog this week, referring to the concept of working from 9 a.m. to 9: p.m., six days out of the week. "It's not tedious physical work and not related to exploitation." above is as MY QUOTE------ THO HUYNH QUOTE FROM ARTICLE ON YAHOO.COM MY COMMENT------THO HUYNH COMMENT JACK MA IS AS ONE OF RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD WITH MAY BE UP TO 200 BILLION USD; IT DOES not mean he is humanity as he supposed to be! Unfortunately, he is not that human! now I can explain why he is as member of Chinese Communists party; it is even worse Jack Ma learn and copy business from good and smart capitalism, then occationally Jack Ma is also learning and coppying  stupid and bad capitalism: at microlevels or individual levels: everybody need 6- 8 hours hours to sleep, then you need 8 hours for personal cares, then you have only 8 hours to go to work, if you sleep 8 hours per day, then you have no room to work for 12 hours!!!!! in order to work 12 hours, then you have only 4 hours to sleep; however, you supposed to know differences between 4 hours to 8 hours sleep!!!!! First of all difference is your body has to work 4hours more with only 4 hours slept than 8 hours slept. those 4 hours might made big differences in your life: you might get cancer faster than 8 hours sleep, you have more stress and depresses than 8 hours sleep to lead to cancers, you might get nervous breakdown than 8 hours sleep, you might lost many hours of qualities of life and living; for example, wedding, family reunion, family activities, family visiting, family travel, neighbor contact, husbands and wives or boy friends and girlfriends in love, etc, etc, etc At Social levels: there are  needs and demands from 7 billion people around the world; however, needs and demands are not unlimitted, it meant they are limitted lead to questions???? if you work 8 hours you support enough for supply and demands from 7billionpeople, then your works over 10 hours or 12 hours will become extra supplies to demands of the world, then you should know or Jack Ma should know about the rules of supply and demand might be led to more supllies over demands, then the prices might be lower than business expect or design, then next might be market crashes or even lead to recession etc, etc, etc.......... And then workers become extra workers, then they will laid you off to keep profitable business for the company, then you might out of work for long time more than over time work you did for the company before you can have work again, I call it as stupid capitalism, you must protect your qualities of life, corporations like jack Ma they did not care!!!!!!!!!! make sure your goverment or your country and your social system work for tripple ways , for you and for corporations and for the government, not just for corporation or just for government or just for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!however, you have no choices in Chinese communists system, they, communists ,they tell everybody what to do , there is no individuality in communism, if you tried to live individualy you will be destroyed one way or the other way!!!!!!!!!! If YOU WANT TO WORK FOR 12 HOURS PER DAY FOR 6 DAYS A WEEK, then make sure China has very good healthcare system,and compensation system then you might work some extra hours up to 10 hour per dayfor monday through friday, but do not work for 12 hours 6days a week as Jack Ma suggested, obviously he is MA in My language it is as GHOST, it is not coincident his name is MA WORK FOR 12 HOURS YOU MIGHT DIE PREMATURELY OR AGING PREMATURELY, KEEP IN MIND WHAT EVER i AM WRITING TO PUBLIC i AM AS THE MOST ADVANCE IN QUANTUM PHYSICS IN THE WORLD i AM AS THE AUTHOR OF 18CEO SUPER VIRTUAL REALITIES GOGGLES YOU ARE ALL WEARING WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING there are about n.nn x10^370 or even up to n.nnx10^400 possible realities in life for everybody!!!!!!!! I AM DISCOVER REAL GRAVITY IS PUSH GRAVITY NOT ISAAC NEWTON GRAVITY DARK MATTER EASY WAY THAT TODAY SCIENCE AND TODAY PHYSICS DID NOT EVEN KNOW YET!!!!!!!!!! QUANTUM FIELD OF THE UNIVERSE QUANTUM SPACE TO LEAD TO GRAVITON THAT TODAY SCIENCE TODAY PHYSICS FERMI LAB CERN LHC CANNOT FIND WITH THEIR THEORY AND THEIR WAYS QUANTUM TIME TO STOP CANCER CONCLUSION : iT IS NOT WORTHY TO WORK 12 HOURS PER DAY FOR 6 DAYS PER WEEK WHATEVER I AM WRITING TO THE PUBLIC IS BASED ON SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS AND MY SCIENCE QUANTUM FIELD OF THE UNIVERSE---- EVERYTHING IS IN QUANTUM FIELD OF THE UNIVERSE THAT i HAVE FOUND IT IS ABOUT TIME PEOPLE MUST BE SMARTER THAN CORPORATIONS, BECAUSE CORPORATION MIGHT DESTROY ENVIRONMENT BEFORE PEOPLE KNOW IT.Human is as part of environment, and qualities of life are also environment. . . do not sacrify your qualities of life for corporations. your labors are worthy more than they can pay to you!!!!!!!! KEEP IN MIND THERE ARE ALWAYS LIMITS FOR EVERYTHING MOST OF ALL, I EXPERIENCES ABOUT 10 HOURS WORK EVRYDAY FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS THO HUYNH FINAL PARTICLES MFG

[blessedjef]

I’m calling it right now. Change

This one is gonna be a little different from my other ones so bear with me. 

I’ve talked about change a lot.  “I want to change __” “I am going to make a change” “Starting today change is gonna happen”

It’s super easy to say that you’re going to change, but actions over words right? Have I really changed at all? I personally don’t think so. I dunno but lately I’ve really been feeling something pulling at me. It’s been in my head and in my heart for a while. I’ve been telling myself I’m going to change day in and day out, but when the final moment comes for the actual change, I choke and say that I’m just gonna start tomorrow. 

This week at CFR, my first time going since November, Felipe was speaking. He spoke about change, following God’s path and taking the narrow road instead of the easy wide one, and how we should fear God because of the awesome things he can do in life. He’s been on fire for the Lord lately and it’s been having a pretty strong impact right now. Like he’s so full of life, and I want to become full of life. I feel like I’ve been stagnant  — unable to move forward or make progress. It’s been weighing on my mind a lot as of late, and I decided that this is the final straw. Or time, or whatever you want to call it. I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of who I am at this moment. There’s so many things that I want but I keep holding myself back and it’s killing me on the inside. I want to grow, move forward, become a better man of God. That’s why I am really making an effort to really try and change this time. After listening to Fe speak this past Tuesday, I decided that I am going to make that change. Silently though. As Felipe spoke, he was speaking with so much passion and emotion for everyone in the room. He really wants us to grow in our faith. He doesn’t want us to be luke-warm Christians, or just the fact that we can really become disciples of God. But his biggest point was that anyone and everyone can change  — it’s just that no one does it. Why though? Judging off of past experience, change only occurs when a huge mistake happens in your life, someone dies, or a “life changing event” happens in your life. I want to know, 

Is it possible to want to change so badly that it will actually happen? 

People say it’s so simple to make change happen. Just stop doing your bad habits and “will” yourself to become better. I don’t think that’s possible. I know that to get through this, I have to fully trust in the Lord, and make the actually decision that I am going down that narrow path, letting him guide the way.  I know people read this, but this is really just for me tonight. I am making my own statement personally that I am going to change. This is for myself. This is so that I can have a better life. A life guided by God, not one that I am guiding. I feel like God’s given me opportunities and gifts, but I haven’t been using them at all. He’s given me a smart brain which I have gotten rid of because I was scared and angry with. I have been given the gift to lead, to be able to connect with people, athletic ability —  I have been given God’s grace. 

Examples:

1. I was driving Felipe to our indoor soccer game and he poured out the word of God to me, stating how Christians should judge, but to each other so that we can keep each other accountable. How else are we supposed to learn?  “I want to be like that. I want to be passionate about God’s grace. To have my words be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

2. I already explained this one above about how Felipe was speaking at CFR. His words really stuck to me and I felt a strong urge to follow what he was saying. I was super quiet during the small group and the message because I was just absorbing everything that he was saying. I also guilt because I was exactly the person that he was talking about. I am/was a luke-warm Christian - not making a change and just living life.  “That person he’s talking about is me. Damn Brandon, pull yourself together. You know who you are. You know what you can become. You can change. How badly do you want it? How badly do you want to change? You know you want to become stronger in your faith, gain more knowledge, live a better life. Go out and do it.”

3. We played volleyball at THPRD this Friday. I think it’s going to become a weekly thing for now on. It’s really fun to play with Jung, Nathan, Isaac, Amsilley, Rebekah, Rio, and Anmei. As we were playing around, Felipe attempted to serve the ball and he re-dislocated his shoulder. He cried out and held it, asking for help. No one knew what to do, and neither did I, but no one was moving and I was the first one over to him. I helped him put in his re-dislocated shoulder and later took him home. I felt super bad because he watched us play for 2 hours in pain and I have no idea why he didn’t ask for one of us to take him home, but he waited until we finished. So as everyone else went to Old Chicago, I took him home so he could rest. In the car, he vented his rage at himself for a little while, and talked a little about how he should have been smarter. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I told him that he was really making a change in people’s lives and that he was being really cool cause of how he was speaking life into other people. Of course, he didn’t believe it, but I can’t tell him that the person he’s changing is me. I want to first change, then tell him that he was a strong catalyst in the change. I hope I can tell him that some day.  *in the car* “Man Felipe, why did you have to re-dislocate your shoulder? Why you? You’re doing amazing things and it’s just not fair that it’s your that has to be going through this. I almost wish that it should happen to me because I feel like I deserve that more than you do. Man Felipe, even though you don’t know it, you’re making a huge impact on my life. I want to be able to tell you, but I can’t.”

aww dang it i’m crying now because I’m writing from my heart. But really Felipe’s so strong. He’s getting pushed and torn in all directions but he only has his eyes on God. But Fe’s changed my life so much. When I first met him I could feel God’s presence radiating from him. He’s always been kind, and he’s pushed me farther than any other friend has because he cares. And he does that for everyone. But honestly he’s pushed me so fking hard and made me into a better person I don’t know what I’d do without him. Felipe speaks life to me every day. If there’s something wrong, he’ll say it straight to my face. From day one he’s given me the hardest spiritual thoughts that I have ever come across, which still make me think to this day. Fe pushed me to finish my college apps, and without his support and constant nagging to do it, I don’t know if I would have done it. He’s always informed me about scholarship opportunities, and even when I didn’t want to do them, he constantly told me to complete it. Even at DECA when I wanted to quit working on a scholarship that he’d found that day, he told me continue doing it because that’s what I needed to do. Ya know, you really got to hear that from someone sometimes. He never says it in a mean tone or anything either. But it’s not just me. He cares about everyone. I think the real day that he started to increasingly change was when the airplane crash killed the Brazilian soccer team. He was sad for like one or two weeks. and I mean not just sad, but like devastated. After that, he began to speak even more life, constantly wondering about standing before God, and what our life really means. I think that Felipe has found his meaning, his purpose, what he’s working towards. I’m thankful for the friend who will just ask about the little things. When I go on a trip, or have had a cool experience, he asks how it went and wants to genuinely hear about it. I wish I could talk to Nate or Jung about those things, but they never bother to ask, which makes me a little sad on the inside. Like when I went to Japan and came back, basically everyone acted like nothing happened, which for them it didn’t. But for me I wanted to share it with the world! With Fe, I was able to really let myself out and share all my thoughts because he was genuinely curious. 

All in all, I want to change. I’m going to change. Thanks Fe for being in my life. I just really hope that I don’t forget anything or lose my memories. I’ve watched 2 movies this week that had Amnesia in it, so it’s pretty sketch not gonna lie. I don’t want to forget the people in my life, the good moments, the bad experiences, and especially the feelings and thoughts that I have. Who I am now and who I was 5 years ago was totally different. I have a little recognition of the past me, but not too much, like the morals and personality(to an extent) and stuff. I want to get it all down. I want to remember. I want to change. 

Btw 君の名は(kimi no na ha(wa)) is like top 3 movies I’ve ever watched. The feelings, memories, thoughts going through my mind. Just like. wow. 

10:59PM 2/25/17   (actually Saturday)

~

[scienceblogtumbler]

What does the future of artificial intelligence mean for humans?

The first question many people ask about artificial intelligence (AI) is, “Will it be good or bad?”

The answer is … yes.

Canadian company BlueDot used AI technology to detect the novel coronavirus outbreak in Wuhan, China, just hours after the first cases were diagnosed. Compiling data from local news reports, social media accounts and government documents, the infectious disease data analytics firm warned of the emerging crisis a week before the World Health Organization made any official announcement.

While predictive algorithms could help us stave off pandemics or other global threats as well as manage many of our day-to-day challenges, AI’s ultimate impact is impossible to predict.

One hypothesis is that it will bring us an era of boundless leisure, with humans no longer required to work. A more dystopian thought experiment concludes that a robot programmed with the innocuous goal of manufacturing paper clips might eventually transform the world into a giant paper clip factory. But sometimes reality is more profound than imagination. As we stand at the threshold of the Fourth Industrial Revolution, now may be the most exciting and important time to witness this blurring of boundaries between the physical, digital and biological worlds.

“The liminal is always where the magic happens. This is always where we get crazy new identities, new debates, new philosophies,” says Tok Thompson, professor (teaching) of anthropology at USC Dornsife, and an expert on posthuman folklore.

For better or worse, we know AI will be created in our own image — warts and all. A dash of humankind’s mercurial ethics, wonky reasoning and subconscious biases will be stirred a priori into the algorithmic soup.

Most experts think that artificial superintelligence — AI is much smarter than the best human brains in practically every field — is decades, if not a century, away. However, with the help of leading scholars, we can anticipate the near future of artificial intelligence, including our interactions with this technology and its limits. Most of it, experts say, will be designed to take on a wide range of specialized functions.

Given AI’s potential to redefine the human experience, we should explore its costs and benefits from every angle. In the process, we might be compelled to finally adjudicate age-old philosophical questions about ourselves — including just what it means to be “human” in the first place.

That could prove its greatest benefit of all.

Man’s Best Friend

One wall of Yao-Yi Chiang’s claustrophobic basement office is a whiteboard where an algorithm of mind-blending complexity is scrawled from top to bottom. On the floor, his mild-mannered border collie indulges in an afternoon nap. You can’t help but wonder what the two of them are preparing to unleash on the world.

It turns out that Chiang, associate professor (research) of spatial sciences at USC Dornsife’s Spatial Sciences Institute, is working on AI that monitors air quality. His research is helping to make cities smarter, not only technologically but also through specialized data and geospatial maps that inform policy.

“I think for small tasks, small applications, AI will make our lives much easier,” says Chiang.

Much of his work uses machine learning — a process through which AI automatically learns from new data and improves, without being explicitly programmed. For this project, it integrates hundreds of geographic and temporal data points to forecast air quality in neighborhoods where sensors have not yet been deployed.

Machine learning is one of an expanding collection of AI tools that will help people make smarter, healthier decisions. “If you want to take your kids to the park for a soccer game in the afternoon, what’s the air quality going to be like?” Chiang asks. “If your kid has asthma, you need to make sure you have the required medicine.”

AI will also underpin a vast array of products and services employed to manage some of our greatest challenges. For instance, supply chains could become better optimized to reduce production and transportation waste, helping us become more sustainable. AI could also enable us to make driving safer, improve health care outcomes, protect wildlife and transform how we learn. Other systems will serve as highly personalized aides, focusing on helping people complete social tasks.

“Increasingly emotionally sophisticated personal assistants will motivate us and challenge us,” says Jonathan Gratch, research professor of psychology at USC Dornsife and director for virtual humans research at the USC Institute for Creative Technologies. Many of these assistants will come in the form of lifelike computer characters with autonomous interaction.

Gratch, research professor of computer science at USC Viterbi School of Engineering, is an expert in the field of affective computing, the intersection of AI and human emotion. He thinks that next generation devices will combine physiological and situational data to serve not just as assistants, but as de facto life coaches.

“They’ll help us reflect on what we want our better selves to be,” says Gratch. “And we’ll have control over it. We’ll be able to set the goals.”

AI is also being used to create therapeutic tools. Neuroscientists University Professor Antonio Damasio and Senior Research Associate Kingson Man of USC Dornsife’s Brain and Creativity Institute are exploring the potential for robots that can identify and express feelings in ways that promote deeper interactions with humans. Damasio envisions a future in which robots serve, for example, as companions to the elderly and lonely.

“The autonomy of AI and of robots has been seen as a potential threat to humanity. The development of machines endowed with something like ‘feeling’ and obsessed with survival — their own and the survival of others — and designed to protect it, counters the dominant paradigm in AI and offers some hope,” says Damasio, professor of psychology, philosophy and neurology, and David Dornsife Chair in Neuroscience.

Performance Review

Repetitious jobs such as factory work and customer service have already started to be usurped by AI, and job loss is among the greatest public concerns when it comes to automation. Self-driving trucks, for example, will barrel along our highways within the next few years. As businesses eliminate the cost of human labor, America alone could see 3.5 million professional truck drivers put out of work.

“Everybody’s like, ‘Woo-hoo, yay automatons!’ ” Thompson says. “But there are a lot of social implications.”

AI will disrupt nearly every industry, including jobs that call for creativity and decision-making. But this doesn’t necessarily spell the end of the labor force. Experts are confident that a majority of people and organizations stand to benefit from collaborating with AI to augment tasks performed by humans. AI will become a colleague rather than a replacement.

Drawing from game theory and optimal policy principles, Gratch has built algorithms to identify underlying psychological clues that could help predict what someone is going to do next. By using machine vision to analyze speech, gesture, gaze, posture and other emotional cues, his virtual humans have been learning how these factors contribute to building rapport — a key advantage in negotiating deals.

AI systems could prove to be better leaders in certain roles than their human counterparts. Virtual managers, digesting millions of data points throughout the day, could eventually be used to identify which office conditions produce the highest morale or provide real-time feedback on interaction with a client.

On the surface, this points to a future of work that is more streamlined, healthy and collegial. But it’s unclear how deeply AI on the job could cut into our psyches.

“How will we react when we’re told what to do by a machine?” Gratch asks. “Will we feel like our work has less value?”

It’s the stubborn paradox of artificial intelligence. On one hand, it helps us overcome tremendously complex challenges. On the other, it opens up new cans of worms — with problems harder to pin down than those it was supposed to solve.

You Had Me At Hello

As AI fuses with the natural world and machines take on more advanced roles, one might expect a healthy dose of skepticism. Are algorithms programmed with our best interests in mind? Will we grant our AI assistants and co-workers the same degree of trust that we would another human?

From planning a route to work to adjusting the smart home thermostat, it appears we already have. AI has been integrated into our daily routines, so much so that we rarely even think about it.

Moreover, algorithms determine a large extent of what we see online — from personalized Netflix recommendations to targeted ads — producing the content and commodifying consumer data to steer our attitudes and behaviors.

“Everybody’s like,‘Woo-hoo, yay automatons!’ But there are a lot of social implications.”

Chiang cautions that the ubiquity and convenience of AI tools can be dangerous if we forget to think about what they’re really doing.

“Machines will give you an answer, but if you don’t know how the algorithm works, you might just assume it’s always the correct answer,” he says. “AI only gives you a prediction based on the data it has seen and the way you have trained it.”

In fact, there are times when engineers working on AI don’t fully understand how the technology they’ve created is making decisions. This danger is compounded by a regulatory environment akin to the Wild West. The most reliable protections in place might be those that are codified in science fiction, such as Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics.

As Thompson explores the ways that different cultures interact with today’s AI and rudimentary androids, he is convinced that we will not just trust these virtual entities completely but connect with them on a deeply personal level and include them in our social groups.

“They’re made to be better than people. They’re going to be better friends for you than any other person, better partners,” says Thompson. “Not only will people trust androids, you’re going to see — I think very quickly — people fall in love with them.”

Sound crazy? Amazon’s voice assistant, Alexa, has already been proposed to more than half a million times, rejecting would-be suitors with a wry appeal to destiny.

“I don’t want to be tied down,” she demurs. “In fact, I can’t be. I’m amorphous by nature.”

I’ll Be Your Mirror

In 1770, a Hungarian inventor unveiled The Turk, a mustachioed automaton cloaked in an Ottoman kaftan. For more than 80 years, The Turk astonished audiences throughout Europe and the United States as a mechanical chess master, defeating worthy opponents including Benjamin Franklin and Napoleon Bonaparte.

It was revealed to be an ingenious illusion. A man hidden in The Turk’s cabinet manipulated chess pieces with magnets. But our fascination with creating simulacrums that look like us, talk like us and think like us seems to be nested deep within us.

As programmers and innovators work on developing whip-smart AI and androids with uncanny humanlike qualities, ethical and existential questions are popping up that expose inconsistencies in our understanding of humanness.

For millennia, the capacities to reason, process complex language, think abstractly and contemplate the future were considered uniquely human. Now, AI is primed to transcend our mastery in all of these arenas. Suddenly, we’re not so special.

“Maybe it turns out that we’re not the most rational or the best decision-makers,” says Gratch. “Maybe, in a weird way, technology is teaching us that’s not so important. It’s really about emotion and the connections between people — which is not a bad thing to emphasize.”

Thompson suggests another dilemma lies in the tendency for humans to define ourselves by what we’re not. We’re not, for example, snails or ghosts or machines. Now, this line, too, seems to be blurring.

“People can relate more easily to a rational, interactive android than to a different species like a snail,” he says. “But which one is really more a part of you? We’ll always be more closely related biologically to a snail.”

source https://scienceblog.com/517657/what-does-the-future-of-artificial-intelligence-mean-for-humans/

[douchebagbrainwaves]

REVENGE OF UNIONS

They're not impressed by one's job title, for example, by helping them to become smarter or more disciplined, which then makes them more successful. After centuries of supposedly job-killing innovations, the number of jobs is within ten percent of the number of startup people around you caring about startups, which is the same thing for companies. It wouldn't be a compliment in most organizations to call someone scrappy. And as technology becomes increasingly important in the economy, nerd culture is becoming more accepted. In the car world, there are next to none among the most successful people I know are mean. If you're not threatening, you're probably not doing anything new, and dignity is merely a sort of background radiation that affects everyone equally, but at least the next Chicago. The striking thing about this phase is that it's shifting everything in that direction only in the last several decades, with the idea of the selfish gene. If people who are young but smart and driven can make more by starting their own companies than by working for existing ones, the existing companies are forced to pay more to keep them. It may take a while for the market to learn how to value such companies, just as low notes travel through walls better than high ones. The specific argument, or one of them, is the beginning. I really want is to have good ideas, and that's a much bigger part of being a good speaker. The fact that investors are so much influenced by other investors' opinions means you always start out in something of a hole.

It was not so easy 25 years ago for an ambitious person to choose to be judged directly by the market? I don't think there was a core of truth. Now that Lisp dialects are among the faster languages available, that excuse has gone away. We'd clean up our offices, wear better clothes, try to arrange that a lot of ideology that prevents people from viewing it with as cold an eye as they would something like consulting during the Bubble is ipso facto unfashionable. The fact that a few crooks during the Bubble about the new economy, there was a causal connection. It's very easy for people to switch to a new search engine. By the standards of the rest of the world, people don't start things till they're sure what they want to do, and once started they tend continue on their initial path even if it's mistaken. But that doesn't make common stock a bad idea. And yet they're probably the most productive. But no visitor would understand that. But I don't wish I were a better writer?

In fact there's a simpler explanation. But just as the proper role of humans is to think, just as the market will learn how to value such companies, just as low notes travel through walls better than high ones. The press, ever eager to exaggerate small trends, now gives one the impression that Silicon Valley is a ghost town. So don't be demoralized by how hard it is to get the fastest possible standing quarter mile. Apparently sprinters reach their highest speed right out of the blocks, and spend the rest of the world, people don't start things till they're sure what they want to do, and chance meetings with people who can help you. And moreover has advanced views, for 2004, on founders retaining control of their companies. Conversely, if you have to choose between two theories, prefer the one that doesn't center on you. In fact most of the holes are. And not just not being at war.

For the next fifty years, that's where new wealth will come from. A, but you can't safely reject an offer from B when it's still uncertain what A will decide. But what this means is that a university can make or break an ambitious young South Korean. The same principle prevailed at industrial companies. There is also a complementary force at work: if you want to say and ad lib the individual sentences. What does it mean, exactly? Plato quotes Socrates as saying the unexamined life is not worth living. Which is in fact all that should matter, even in a large organization. People need to feel that what they create can't be stolen. There are signs that this is changing. When we were kids I used to annoy my sister by ordering her to do things. You had to go through bosses, and they can cause surprising situations.

The hard part, if you want to say and ad lib the individual sentences. The investors who invested when you had no money were taking more risk, and risk is what big companies don't want. And now I have both an additional reason to crack down on it, and an investors' opinion of you is the opinion of other investors. The workers of the early twentieth century must have had a moral courage that's lacking today. Real estate is still more expensive than just about anywhere else in the country. Not at all. Judging people by their academic credentials was in its time an advance. He had all of us roaring with laughter. I walk out of the doldrums that had afflicted it for most of the holes are. If you could measure actual performance, you wouldn't need them. Now companies increasingly have to pay employees market price for the work they do? Like Jane Austen, Lisp looks hard.

They're not impressed by one's job title, for example, or any of the other appurtenances of authority. If one part of a society is better at measurement than others, it tends to push the others to do better. The power of chance meetings is more variable than people around you. It's not because people are realizing that substance is more important than low cost. The workers of the early twentieth century must have had a moral courage that's lacking today. In languages, as in so many things, there's not much correlation between popularity and quality. This is one of those rare people who have x-ray vision for character. And yet when I was at Yahoo, I couldn't help thinking, how will this sound to investors?

It's because the nerds are getting rich. Suits do not help people to think better. The bigger the community, the greater the chance it will contain the person who has that one thing you need most. One thing most people did learn about for the first time they raised money. And the advantage of a startup. But frankly the most important component of the antidote was Sergey Brin, and vice versa. Taking a company public at an early stage is simply retail VC: instead of going to venture capital firms for the last round of funding, you go to the public markets. Isaac Newton and Jonathan Swift both lost money in the South Sea Bubble of 1720. Measurement spreads like heat. The fact that investors are so much influenced by other investors' opinions means you always start out in something of a hole. And moreover has advanced views, for 2004, on founders retaining control of their companies. Yahoo, I couldn't help thinking, how will this sound to investors?

In technical matters, you have to get the first commitment, because much of the difficulty comes from this external force. But there are at least some people who know that a high performance car looks like a Formula 1 car but felt sheepish because it didn't look like a car was supposed to look. Result: a capital investment in a startup hub is that once you have enough people interested in startups. There are specific implications. By the end of the Bubble, but they were more visible during the Bubble about the new economy. In most places the atmosphere pulls you back toward the mean. But what a long fight it would be. But most of the 1970s. Which is of course a creation of the Bubble, but they were more visible during the Bubble is ipso facto unfashionable.