#and honestly throw in probably an intellectual conversation without making it look weird too

[mezhane]

JUST MARRIED (... kinda)

PART 6

“He did what ?!” Marina shouted out loud , her eyes nearly popping out. She always gives me the best reactions and I love her for that . But we were in public now , and the last thing I wanted was to draw the attention to us . I winced at her high pitched voice and took a sip of my drink.

“Ok, chill the fuck down babe, everyone is looking at us ... I said he kissed me , twice .” Marina and I have no taboos with eachother , but I don’t know why I was embarrassed to tell her that.

“And you kissed him back didn’t you ?! You did right ?! No, don’t even answer that , I know you did !...Why would you kiss him back ?!”

“Well I don’t know bitch, maybe because I’ll be his wife in two months !” I told her throwing my arms in the air .

“Right, I forgot about that... Some part of my brain still hasn’t processed the fact that you’ll be someone’s wife in two months ...” I could feel a tinge if pain in her voice. Me and her had always agreed to marry later, when we figure out what to do with our lives . I grabbed her hand and squeezed it .

“Babe, I know how you feel , and if it feels weird to you, imagine how it feels to me ... This was so unexpected... But I can’t let my parents down they’re counting on me ...” I reassured her, smiling. She scoffed and smirked at me .

“Girl get the fuck out of here, we both know you agreed to this marriage cause you’ve been crazy about Xing since middle school.”

“You’re damn right !” I admitted laughing. She joined me too and stared at me . I could tell she was really concerned .

“ Will you be okay though ? I know Yixing, he’s a good man, but you’re like my twin, and I want to protect you from any danger, including my own family...” I grabbed her hand and held it as tight as I could.

“I’ll be fine don’t worry too much about me and focus on yourself, because you’re next!” I smirked , giving her a wink.

“He’ll no bitch, I’m staying in my parents’ house until I die, you know that !”

The rest of the day was spent like this, just us enjoying our time together and me contemplating my last few times as a single girl. I finally drove Marina back to her place and got home then texted Yixing .

[Me 4:37 pm]

“Helloooooo !!! How is my future husband being ? Pretty busy huh ? I know how it feels, Sam didn’t come home for two days because of the amount of work...”

I locked my phone and decided to binge on stupid reality shows. Yes, they are not intellectually stimulating, but I can’t deny how entertaining it is either. I grabbed my phone twenty minutes after, no answer. 1hour, no answer... 2, 3,4 hours , no answer. I bit my lip realizing how drowned in work he might be. I decided to send a second text, you know, just in case.

[Me 9:00pm]

“Hey, I know you’re super busy and you can’t talk to me right now, but I just wanted to say that you’re doing really well, don’t overwork yourself.”

And with that I did my little night routine and went to bed

-A WEEK LATER-

Nothing. Still nothing. I mean I know this kind of work requires you to do... overtime, but a week? A whole week without any news ? No, that was just to much. I was ranting at my mirror when I phone buzzed . I ran to grab it and my heart literally dropped when I saw the text .

[Xingie 1:03 am]

I’m okay, thanks.

That’s it? That’s the shit he’s going to give me after being absent for a week ? No problem, I’ll show him .

[Me 1:10 am]

Who’s this ? Your number isn’t saved on my phone, sorry.

Okay, I admit, that was too much. But that’s what he deserved, right?... Right?!

A minute after the text was sent , Xing called me .

“Hi Xingie, everything good, you suddenly remembered you have a fiancée?”

I heard a long sigh coming out of his mouth.

“Where are you right now ? In your room I hope .”

“W-well yeah, where do you expect me to be at this time ?”

“Good. Come out for a minute , I wanna see you .”

I was smiling so hard at the other hand of the phone. I was so proud of myself for some reason. The fact that he came all the way here from work just to see me made me feel some type of way . But I couldn’t let him know that . No . He wasn’t winning this battle .

“I don’t know about this Yixing, do you not see the time ? What makes you think I would want to come out this late ? Do you honestly think you’re gonna make yourself forgiven because you randomly come here to...”

“I don’t recall asking for your opinion, Mina come out now. Hurry”

Oh wow , I was in trouble . Not because I was scared of him , but because being man handled by Yixing was oddly arousing to me . I sighed deeply into the phone , feigning annoyance.

“What if my dad catches me ? He’s gonna kill me !” I asked , even though getting caught by my dad was the least of my worries right now.

“I don’t care,find a way” And he hung up just like that. I ran out of my bed and grabbed a pair of leggings. (Not gonna lie, I chose this pair for a reason, they made me look really good) Then, I rushed to my mirror and fixed my hair. I didn’t bother to do anything to my face .Thank god for lashes extensions. I walked out of my room and went down the stairs with feather steps, trying to make less noise as possible. I decided to go for the backyard door, as it provided less chances to get caught . I opened the door and decided to leave it like that , to make it easier to get back to my room after . I spotted Yixing’s car and ran to it . He smiled when he saw me , opening his door for me .

“You came !” He seemed pleasantly surprised about it .

“You didn’t give me that much of a choice now, did you ?” I added smirking.

“I didn’t think you would. Knowing how much of a temper and attitude you have , I must say I’m pretty chocked .”

I fake gasped and clutched my heart. That caused Yixing to burst out in laughter.

“I’m really sorry babygirl. Those days have been hell to me .”

“I know, I feel so bad for getting mad at you when you were just trying to do your job...”I pouted and put my face in my hands .

“No,no, don’t say that! My job is important for sure , but you should always come first...Always.”

I was trying so hard not to smile , which Yixing must have noticed since he chuckled and ruffled my hair.

“Baby?” I just hummed and looked in his direction.

“You know, I could really use a kiss right now.”

Oh fuck. That’s it , I was flustered again ! Honestly, I have to thank the Lord for making me black because I couldn’t deal with the blushing otherwise.

“Y-you want a kiss?” He just hummed and bit his lip . Why was he so hot ?!

I leaned over to him and gave him the most innocent peck before smiling.

“Really? That’s it ? We both know you can do much better... Come here ...”

He patted his lap , gesturing me to come sit on it . He didn’t have to tell me twice. I climbed on him and straddled his hips. He grabbed my face and smiled before locking his lips with mine . Five minutes later, we were making out like crazy and his hands were squeezing my hips, guiding them to grind on him. The idea of grinding on Yixing while making out with him in the middle of the night was driving me completely insane. And judging by his hard on rubbing on the inside of my thigh , I could tell he was affected too. He suddenly pushed his hips up harshly onto my center and I released a long moan.

“Xing, please...” I begged like I was craving his touch. The feeling was so new to me I didn’t know how to act. But I didn’t really mind sounding desperate.

“Fuck baby, don’t moan my name like that... Do you have any idea how dangerous you are ?”

“Dangerous?” I tried to act as innocent as possible, though I knew exactly what he meant.

“Yeah... I wanna fuck the shit out of you ... But I can’t... I shouldn’t. Your dad will murder me if something happens before our wedding. You’re meant to stay pure until we’re officially married.” He said , his hands still going under my shirt.

“I know that Xing, but I want you so bad” I answered as my hand unconsciously travelled from his face down to his belt.

“That’s it , get off me . You’re not helping me keeping my self control.” He ordered with a painful laugh . I got off him and sat in the passenger seat . He kissed my hand then grabbed my face and kissed me passionately one last time .

“I should probably go Xing. I have to wake up early tomorrow.” I rubbed my eyes and yawned.

“Yeah? What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have to go and pick up my dress Xing...” Why was I embarrassed to tell him that ?

“Oh, right ... Damn , you really are going to be Mrs Zhang huh ?” He joked , smirking down.

“I guess , it’s crazy to me too” I covered my face in excitement.

“It isn’t to me... I figured you would be my wife a while ago, actually.”

“W-what? You knew ?” My eyes widened so much they were gonna pop off.

“Aww baby , you’re so cute ! You still don’t get it ? We were meant to be kitten ! It has always been this way !” He said poking my nose. “Go babe, get loads of sleep. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay ?”

“Y-Yeah...”

I left his car and quietly got back to my house then my room. As I was lying in bed , I kept thinking about what he said. We were meant to be ? So does that means I was promised to him as soon as I was born ? Too many things happened tonight and I felt like I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep. I will definitely have to have a conversation with my dad tomorrow.

[dykedteach]

okay here we go, episode 2 second watch

(I think this is my longest liveblog I’ve done, but then again I feel like this is the most emotional a tv episode has made me since I finished Black Sails so like?)

so uhhh they’re really gonna hide all the valuable people in the crypts huh, they’re really following through on that

“women and children first” to DIE??? I M EAN

i’ve been thinking about this non stop since i first watched the ep and my growing dread is nigh unstoppable, if i had any doubts that the winterfell dead might rise, their whole repeated thing of “everyone will be safe down there” shot them straight down

i’m lowkey annoyed we missed out on what would have been an incredibly awkward introduction scene between jaime and literally everyone, but i’m glad his “trial” didn’t drag out

i want sam’s opinion on dany’s bloodthirst vis a vis avenging her father BC LIKE????

“i’d do it all again” honey be QUIET 

L O Y A L T  Y 

loyalty

l      o   yal     t e  a

lmao daenerys’ look of anger and disgust at brienne hopping to jaime’s defense alone makes me want her dead tbh

sansa being a better strategist, ruler, negotiator, and peacekeeper than both of her parents combined, is my weakness tbh

also He R  aRmOuR drESs !!!!! what a LOOK! 

d: “what does the warden of the north say about it?” j: [has dissociated solidly through the past six hours, is only now just realising it’s daylight and he’s in the great hall] uhhhhhhhhhhhh cool i guess?

tyrion finally breathing after daenerys lets jaime live is ridiculously endearing, i love the brothers’ relationship so much

baeworm death-glaring jaime is also ridiculously endearing tbh

i dig the gendarya love theme, i do i do i do

everyone keeps saying that the fact they had sex means one of them will die next ep but honestly? out of all the non jonerys pairings (missandei/greyworm, sam/gilly, jaime/brienne) i think they’re most likely to live through the battle, and the fact they have their own theme makes me doubt as well that they’ll end next episode

that poor guy who got in the way of arya and gendry’s dragonglass throwing foreplay, so close yikes

i can’t believe that out of everyone who bran has been weird to, jaime was the one to take his weird shit best

“how do you know there is an afterwards?”           sd;kjlas

djkasljdak;lsd

                        asjd;lsakdla;sd

        bran

                               bran stop

   please be fuckin w us bran

this brotherly love scene is great and it hurts me to think it might be their last solo scene

although the way they keep talking about how sure they are they’ll die....idk? and with bronn on the way with his crossbow? to have both, or either, die at winterfell with the battle seems a waste. plus, one of them needs to be the valonqar so?

i’d be satisfied seeing a dead tyrion rip cersei apart though, i’ll admit that

JAIME GAZING AT BRIENNE INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO HIS BROTHER

pod has come so far in his fighting i love him so much i love brienne’s proud mama expression hes. he’s 100% going to die. for sure. 

“we have never had a conversation that’s lasted this long without you insulting me, not once” KJASDKLASJDKALSJDALKSD 

“i came to winterfell because...” Y OU LOVE HER DUMBASS

i still ship jorah with dany more than jon, fight me

i love the confirmation that all the bad blood between them is under the bridge, i love that he convinced her to make peace with tyrion and sansa, i love that he’s made peace with tyrion taking up his position, made peace with his house, with his relationship with his father...........

he’s absolutely toast and i hate it.

he’s going to die for dany with one last “khaleesi” and it’s going to break my heart

“we have other things in common” yeah you both have jon in your immediate family trees lmao

i’m confused by the “someone taller” comment, who’s she talking about? everyone else hurt her or betrayed her at some point. is it barristan? is it baeworm? it should be baeworm

ok so. i don’t need or want sansa to end up with anyone. 

that said

if it had to be a man

my heart almost jumped out of my chest when she and theon hugged, i didn’t expect her to get this emotional at all, shit i didn’t expect MYSELF to get this emotional

HER TEARS

THEY BOTH NEED HUGS IM GLAD THEY GET HUGS

soup dad can’t die i forbid it

let’s talk about gilly for a second, how far she’s come, from a scared abused girl to a strong, caring, confident woman and mother, i’m so emotional please protect her

DAVOS ADOPTING CHILDREN LEFT RIGHT AND CENTRE

THE SHIREEN THEME PLAYING OVER THAT BIT IM ASJDKASDJ

i’m super surprised edd and beric survived the hearth, i thought there would be more of a fight there

LITTLE CROW

i know people crack ship them, but like, they’d almost be better suited than jon and daenerys

while i adore the idea of theon making amends for taking winterfell from bran by defending winterfell and protecting bran from the night king, i know in my heart that all it’s going to result in is a very dead theon (and probably a dead bran)

why do i feel like while well intentioned, having dragons near the godswood is.....a mistake

i’d love for bran and tyrion to both survive, i’d love to see them talk more as equals because they’re so similar intellectually (i know they had scenes when bran was a kid, but that doesn’t count)

missandei and greyworm are too good and pure for this earth, i want them to leave, i want them to go to naath and never come back, i want them to find a little house by the water and eat fruits and find missandei’s family and take in some stray children, some street cats to lay lazily on the stones of their porch, maybe missandei teaches the children of their village every morning under the rising sun, maybe greyworm becomes a tradesman, makes shoes or ale or binds books for the locals, they grow old and content together and the children they took into their home, now grown adults with their own children, bury them side by side underneath carved stones, i want them more than almost anyone to have a happy ever after because if anyone deserves it it’s those two

but there are dreams that cannot be

and greyworm is almost certain to die next episode

maybe missandei too, but i’m not sure

until then, i will live in my fantasy.

i love my nights watch boys, i love that they talk about grenn and pyp, i miss those lads

sam being the playful, banter-full, confident guy he is, i love him so much i’m so happy for him he better fucking survive (and maybe become lord of horn hill who knows? he has a wife and a son so ? 

honestly the idea of tywin knowing jaime and tyrion are defending winterfell is so wonderful

ha ha h ah ah  ah h a i love tyrion and jaime so much that i. i forget. temporarily. about tyrion’s first wife

brienne stopping pod from drinking and then tyrion just.......fuckin pouring a large one out for the lad

please, let him drink, it’ll be his last

davos is such an old man i love him

jaime looking between brienne and tormund with amusement is the best thing ever

davos’ concern over ten year old tormund hopping into bed with a giant is incredible. dad mode. always on dad mode.

hound’s not gonna die yet, not until cleganebowl, he’s safe next ep for sure. so he’s allowed to be a grumpy old git for a bit

beric is straight up gonna die tho

“might as well be at a bloody wedding” g o d i dont like that foreshadowing

beric is so cheery and amicable im gonna miss him

i’m so glad that they gave arya agency, and a sweet, un-sexploited, in-character sex scene, there’s so few really good sex scenes in this show and i’m glad she got one of them

(no matter how long i spent the first time around watching through my fingers and cringing, i KNOW she’s an adult and maisie is an adult but god she’s still such a kid in my eyes)

as soon as the gloves started coming off i screamed

he is a sweet sweet boy and i wouldn’t want my murdering badass fave to be with anyone else

i appreciate them showing her scars as part of it, i can’t quite put my finger on why but it was nice to see that

i feel like once i get over the weirdness of like, “hey that’s arya”, it’s probably one of the hotter sex scenes in the series? just for passion and use of consent and stuff

i can’t even begin to elaborate on how perfect brienne’s scene is

it’s immediately one of my favourite scenes in the whole show, i honestly don’t have the words

it’s better than any marriage vows that have been taken in the whole series, and to see brienne proud and happy is just...incredible.

the mormont scene i wanted!!!

this is such a touching scene between two of my faves, i want jorah and sam to be pals forever but i know its just....not happening

the fact that sam starts in the crypt but i know he ends up on the battlefield is....concerning to say the least

god. that song. that song is everything

im too in my feelings to care about jonerys, sorry

i can genuinely believe that jon loves her, and doesn’t care about the iron throne or any titles really for that matter. but the other way around? i’m not so sure.

ok so my survival list: dany, jon, sansa, tyrion

everyone else is at risk please pray for me

oh also i bought the download of Jenny and already cried to it three times this evening, so the credits are making it a round four

[cc-hatredisland]

AV Room.  {.Kasahara: Talk.}

I approached Kasahara the way I’d approach one of the teachers at my school. Ready to either punch it outta here or slam my hands over my ears at a moment’s notice, depending on the mood. I barely make it a step towards her before she throws up her hand in a stopping gesture.

“Not another step.“

Well that hits a nerve.

“Or you’ll what?“

“This is not a threat. I am studying something. Do not move.”

I take a very deliberate step forward and she sighs, seemingly having given up on what she’s doing.

“Is that fun? Playing rebel.“

“Can’t tell you the high I get pissing people like you off.“

“For some pointless controversy you have put a pause to my advancement here. I hope you are proud.“

The way she talked made it feel really important and I was beginning to feel like an idiot for acting out. She pushes her glasses up with two fingers and glares at me.

“I imagine an imbecile like you can only learn through seeing. If you are ready to be civilized, I will show you. Come.“

I’d already been an ass and mouthed off so I just let that insult slip. I wasn’t gonna apologize, though. Guess this was the compromise I was making. I walked over to where she stood and saw... a camera.

“Cameras. Usually I see those.“

I really wondered why I hadn’t. With the amount of petty crap I usually get up to in public camera-spotting’s one of the first things I do.

She then points to some monitors near Shiratori and... I jump, honestly, cause what I see is myself. Kasahara nods at my reaction. So wait, even this whole room is on camera? Must be, cause I see her, Chiffon and Shiratori there, too.

“Whoa! The hell?”

“They blend in quite well. State of the art. The monitors here show they were here before as well. We will have to keep an eye on them in the future. We did not notice them because we accepted them as always being here. It seems strange now but perhaps we did not always perceive it as unusual. Unconsciously, we accept that as ‘normal’ despite the irregularity. Furthermore, they are recording, even now. To have all this recorded seems... specific. This might be crucial.“

I try to get my breathing right again. The idea that I’m being watched by someone somewhere else just... gives me the creeps.

“Keep an eye out, huh... hopefully you don’t mean that in a ‘cover your bases for murder’ kinda way.”

“And if I do?”

“... We’d have problems, I’d say.”

Kasahara pauses and lets the uncomfortable topic sink into my skin before she opts to even look at me.

“I have determined murder is not ideal. Committing the perfect crime takes a great deal of preparation, foresight, timing and luck. Not to mention any physical endurance and strength you might need to possess. The risk-reward is not nearly great enough for me to attempt it. At least, not right now.”

“But the idea’s not completely off the table, huh. That honesty of yours kinda cracks me up.”

“Lying about it would be pointless. Someone who intends to kill would insist they would never. Someone who confesses their intent will be seen as a threat. The paths converge. It is an ultimately useless endeavor.“

“... Hey, I know you’re gonna find it pointless but... let me hit you with a question. About Anzai and them... do you care at all?”

“Should I?”

I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer.

“You are not crying. Why?“

“...Huh?”

“Someone is dead. You should be upset. Yes?”

“... The hell d’you mean ‘someone’s dead’?”

“Statistically speaking, every minute, someone, somewhere is hurt. Every hour, someone dies. Using this logic, you must be upset every minute of every day. Yes?”

“No point in shedding tears over strangers.“

“Like that, we have an accord. I have no interest in strangers nor the emotional baggage they carry. They made their choices. It is unfortunate we lost some good skills but if they succumbed to such weaknesses perhaps it was for the best.”

Her cold logic doesn’t sit right with me but the frustrating thing is I don’t even know where to start. I can’t really refute it. I mean, I could, but I’d just be yelling about how mean that is and that... yeah, to my ears that honestly sounds dumb. Even if I couldn’t articulate it, I didn’t agree with it.

“I get it’s your thing, but if you think ‘bout stuff so economically you’re gonna get your ass kicked by someone. You don’t have to be murdered for someone to have a bad day and snap.“

“Are you referring to yourself?”

“Maybe. Or y’know, the sailor double my height.”

She makes a hm sound at that.

“Murder makes for good footage. It is what our captor wants; if you or her try something, you will only be giving them what they want. I had previously doubted the verisimilitude of this place and situation. However this room confirms the reality. We are being watched. Not only here, I imagine, but elsewhere. This is not the master room.“

I pretended to know that word. There was no way I was gonna ask about versimili-whatever when I knew she’d just give me a hard time.

“Cause... there are cameras here. Right? Why would there be cameras if this is where you monitor?”

She seems surprised by my reasoning but nods.

“Yes. Good eye. It is a bold move to make someone feel as though they have the power to stop something. Enough power to give them hope and yet... not enough to do anything. Because the fall from grace that comes with failure is even more devastating. A failure to control leads to chaos; chaos is moorish to viewers. Furthermore, this sense of paranoia, from wondering who can see what and from where, is sure to put people on edge. I imagine that is what Patchnuki wants.“

“Sure sounds like his MO. And yet you’re calm.“

“People to fail to understand this but we are protected right now. So there is no need to react. It is a shark cage. Should you keep to yourself and mind the shark, you will not get bitten. People usually invite the troubles they get. My door is shut. I do not intend to get involved.“

“So you’re... what, you’re happy like this? Living here for the rest of your life knowing someone could wring your neck anytime they wanted. Hoping that if you bore whoever’s doing this enough they’ll just... what, let you go?”

The way Kasahara stares at me... it’s like she’s glaring, but not out of anger. I honestly feel like that’s just her face at this point.

“Do I appear satisfied to you?“

“I simply believe I can outsmart whoever is behind this. They have picked style over substance; this whole ornate set-up will have holes. And I will find them. For that purpose, I will cooperate when I have to. And then I will leave.“

“Leave on your own too I’ll bet, huh. Doesn’t it bug you? I mean, there’s evidence around we probably knew each other before forgetting all this. Your friends could be dying around you.“

“Friends? I highly doubt it. Our standards are different; I do not possess nor value friendship in the common way expected. Furthermore... I do not need to hear this from you.”

“A skeptical delinquent preaching about friendship? How empty. You are expecting of others something you have no intention of giving yourself.”

“Hey, I’m not preaching, just asking questions. Those never killed anyone. And yeah, y’know, you’re right. I don’t trust anyone here. But so what? I know I’m shooting myself in the foot like that so I’m making an effort. I’m not the smartest guy here, I get that. But I know what I know and I’ll help in my own way. I wanna find out what happened here... and why we forgot. ‘Course, I wanna get outta here too, but... not knowing’ll kill me.“

Admitting to Kasahara who might’ve been the smartest person here that I was kinda lacking in the brain area may have been a dumb move. And man, I’d been so good about not clarifying on words prior to this. But y’know, at this point I felt she probably knew anyway. And it wasn’t like it wasn’t true.

“... I see. Curiously, I share the sentiment. Leaving here without answers would be unpleasant. Yet I will, if an opportunity provides itself. Naturally self-preservation is more important than fulfillment. This is not a horror movie; I do not intend to stick around to please my curiosity. Not without suitable back-up and equipment. However... if I find clues, I will not deny them. Having holes in my memory is... let us say not ideal. So... in that vein, if I believe you can help me, I will say so. I have a theory I am currently working on.“

“A theory, huh... and I’m guessing you’re not in a sharing mood.”

“Do not see the point in sharing unconfirmed maybes. If someone acts out of turn, my fault for stirring the pot. No use in that, particularly if it ends up being untrue. But I am looking into it. This room might be key. Might provide more than the common man realizes.“

‘The common man’, huh... I barely know what this stuff is so I guess I definitely fit into that category. Well, whatever, if she’s just gonna shit on my intelligence all day, I’ll just ignore it. It seems like as weird as it is, we have some kinda accord. Information. If we can help each other, we will. And yeah, maybe that’s enough.

I walk away and realize... yeah, acutally that conversation was pretty quiet. Where WAS Chiffon? She seemed like she was just hiding behind some desk.

“Did she scare you off?“

“No! Dummy! I don’t get scared. But those snooty intellectual types are no fun. They run rings around you and make you feel stupid... which I’m not, of course.”

“Yeah, of course.”

I could see her point; Kasahara deeefinitely made me feel dumb. I mean, I kinda went back and forth on how smart I was - when I was with Chiffon, I felt like the smartest guy in the world, but that didn’t prove much. I guess that kinda thing just changes based on mood and stuff, too.

Either way, even if I wanted to get more out of Kasahara I felt it wasn’t gonna happen. Best to cut my losses and move on. It’s not like it was a complete failure.

[Previous]

[arabellaflynn]

I spend a great deal of time pretending I'm not paying as much attention to people as I actually am. People love that they can come ask me questions, and I can tell them where everyone else is and what they're up to. They hate thinking this through to its logical conclusion, which is that in order to do this, I have to be keeping tabs on pretty much everyone I recognize, pretty much all the time. I do it because:

I like having a working mental model of my environment, which doesn't go so well if I don't track most of the moving parts;

I find it fascinating and in some ways very elegant to watch people wandering up to and into and past one another all the time, like the chaotic Brownian pattern of pollen grains on water;

I can't turn it off without busting out the really good drugs.

These thoughts are apparently weird, and most people get very squirmy if I share them. They get uncomfortable when they realize that not only do I know what they are doing, I also remember what they have been doing, and can probably predict what they will be doing to a reasonable degree of accuracy. And they get especially uncomfortable if they realize that I know enough about what they do to hazard a guess as to what prompts them to do it. I'm not really sure why, other than it seems to be another one of those social status things that I always miss. I think they don't properly grok that I want to know things just to know them, and not to pass judgement. I don't get it, but I don't have to, as long as I remember it's a Thing for people who aren't me. So I keep my observations mainly between me and my blog. I generally don't write things I'd be upset with the subject reading, but saying it to their faces tends to get me more trouble than answers. Life is easier if I'm the only one who ever thinks about this stuff. My curiosity is my own damn problem. I'd rather never get any answers to my weird questions than make everyone around me touchy and paranoid. Intellectually, I'm aware that it costs me a great deal of energy to watch what I say and police my sight lines all the time, and that this is one of the big reasons I find humans exhausting. Even the ones I like. Especially the ones I like, sometimes, because I care about not annoying them, and I don't want to spook them into not talking to me anymore. I do it so often and so automatically, though, that I never really remember how much less exhausting it is to not do it until I suddenly don't have to. z.B.: I've been wondering what goes on in ye ballroom dance instructor's head since something like February. I hadn't said anything about it, because I thought marching up to him after a show and going, "Beautiful performance! What on Earth were you thinking?" would be kind of weird even for me, plus it probably wouldn't get me what I wanted. By the time I mentioned it here, I'd been trying off and on for a couple of months to figure out some much more subtle way to go about getting some answers, or at least getting enough information to guess at what kind of solution space the answers were in. I have since discovered that this was a complete and utter waste of energy. Subtlety is a thing he only does on stage. If he has decided he wants your attention, his method of getting it stops just short of painting HI LET'S CHAT NOW on the side of a brick and hucking it at your head every time he spots you. Which will be a lot, because he sets alert flags for people somewhere in the back of his brain, and they seem to be polled continuously. I have had less subtle bids for my attention, but they were mostly from very large dogs who wanted me to throw the ball. I walked past a studio door once and accidentally distracted him from an ongoing rehearsal. It was after hours and I had no way of knowing he would even be in the building, but once he'd spotted me he made damn sure I noticed. For the first few weeks, I was trying very hard to be normal at him, because it's generally best if new friends don't find out the extent of my curiosity until they're too attached to be weirded out by it, but subtlety doesn't work on him any better than it works for him. I got exactly nowhere until I started telling him things point-blank: Your name is one of the ones I scan for on the schedule. You never said what you do when you're not here, so I gave up and Googled you. I am noting what you drink when I'm the one running the bar, and I will probably end up knowing how you take your coffee, too. I am listening when you talk, even if you think I'm not. I remember things. On occasion, I have delivered some of my observations about him directly to his face. I made a crack once about him waking up one morning and just deciding we were going to have conversations now -- which is a fairly accurate, if simplified and snarky, description of how this all started -- and the only thing I got back was one of the kilowatt-grins. I am betting he knows perfectly fucking well that aiming all of his (considerable) attention at one person without any warning hits like a sledgehammer, and that he did it to me on purpose to see what kind of response he'd get. I mean, well played there, but still. [I say a lot of strange things, many of them even on purpose, and so far the only one that has so much as made him blink was the day I shorted out so hard I couldn't handle social cues, and responded to 'how are you?' with 'are you looking for the polite answer or the real one?' Technically, his sputtering wasn't a proper answer to my question either -- he got about three real words out, none of which were related to any of the others in any way -- but it did tell me that it hadn't crossed his mind that there was any ambiguity there. I feel kind of bad about that one; implying that he was just making empty social noises at me and then letting the answer go in one ear and out the other is a piss-poor way to repay candor.] I had honestly forgotten how much fun it can be to just fucking talk to one of the interesting people, without worrying about whether I'm watching too closely or listening too much or friending too hard, or whatever. I don't even have to pretend I'm not keeping half an eye and a quarter of an ear on him whenever he's in the room, because he has exactly the same bits set for me. I don't know if most humans can't split their attention that way, or if they just don't like to, but other people are startled as all hell when I do it. I thought it was obvious when he went from concentrating very hard on his computer to suddenly, magically becoming part of the interaction as soon as I got to the part about one of the renters leaving us free cookies, in a conversation I was having with someone else entirely. God only knows what that looks like to the rest of the office staff. I am tempted to claim I have absolutely no idea what he wants from me, but that is a damn dirty lie. I still have some questions about the finer points, but fundamentally what he wants is for me to pick up the +3 Sledgehammer of Personal Attention and wallop him back. Okay. Done! I'm generally wary of making it too easy for third parties to figure out who I've taken a shine to, but he plainly has about negative one million fucks to give about that, so I don't have to care either. Aside from that, the only thing he's actually asked of me is to dance. He caught me alone at the desk one day and sort of tripped over himself to offer me lessons. Came out of left field at the time, although inasmuch as he is a professional dancer and we both work in a dance studio, I really shouldn't have been surprised. This is actually one of those things I try not to think about too hard, lest I find myself losing an entire afternoon stuck to the sofa, staring into space, trying and failing to figure out how I started my day by going to work like a normal person, and ended it by getting cha cha lessons from someone who has his own IMDb page and at least one national title that Google will tell me about. No, I don't know either. Some kind of colossal cosmic clerical error in my favor, is my guess. from Blogger http://ift.tt/2rs5aKV via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!