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#and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything.
finalhaunts
·
8 months
Text
Siigghh
#vent
#idk man. feeling hopeless again
#it is. so hard to be optimistic about the future when it is genuinely difficult imagining myself anywhere else but here
#its difficult imagining myself getting out of this house that’s actually through a realistic scenario and isn’t just wishful andromanticized
#my friends are trying to help me get out of here at least but is it even going to work out? is this all even going to be worth it?
#idk.
#imagining myself in a happier scenario genuinely truly does not feel right. it doesnt feel realistic. it doesnt feel possible.
#and whenever I think about it I just feel weird because I know I can’t get my hopes up like that
#the thought of myself being happy doesn’t feel normal.
#i feel like i’ve just been stuck in the same place i’ve always been and i always will. both literally and metaphorically
#i’m always going to be in this shitty house around my shitty parents rotting away like i have been for nearly 18 years now
#and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything.
#i dont have any big achievements. i’ve never worked. I put off getting drivers ed for years until now
#I don’t know how to cook or to do things the right way unless i’m shown
#literally 80% of my fucking life has been spent in my room or in school
#i feel like i’ve just been in stasis for years and the thought of actually having a life feels impossible.
#i get the whole ‘you don’t want to die you just want an escape’ thing people say but I genuinely can’t think of any other way I could really
#escape this.
#the only thing that’s really keeping me from actually going ahead and killing myself is the fact that it feels selfish. i feel selfish.
#because its going to hurt my friends and im going to feel even worse about it if i survive
#I’m honestly envious of all my friends lives. why couldn’t i have gotten that lucky.
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