#and i promised myself i'd finish this for years hsdgfd

[lyricalive]

If you're an Ace Attorney fan and haven't seen the 1950 Akira Kurosawa film RASHOMON, you're missing out on something very relevant to your interests. It's a gripping tale of murder, contradictions, samurais, and spirit mediums... seriously.  Here it is on public domain.

By the way, because it's so relevant, I wrote a dumb fanfic that reinterprets the story of Rashomon using the characters of AA.

Two men took their seats in a cramped sideroom on the Global Studios set.

An uneventful silence persisted between them… until a bright and rosy figure sprung abruptly from behind their folding chairs.

"BOO!"

"Maya–!?"  The man in blue jumped at her sneak attack.  "What are you doing?"

"Haha!  Why so shocked, Nick?  Didja think I was a ghost?"

The suggestion was enough to send him into a cold sweat.  "Don't joke about that, Maya.  Sometimes you are a ghost."  Turning his attention back to a thick stack of paper he held in his hands, Phoenix Wright furrowed his jagged brow.  "I'm still not so sure about this movie thing.  I've only read halfway, but this script hits scarily close to home…"

"You're lucky, then!"  The girl in the pink costume clapped her hands together with delight.  "You’ll be a natural for the part!  No need to rely on the acting skills you don't have."

(I resent that!  Bluffing could be considered a type of acting.)

Brushing off his indignance, Phoenix continued.  "What kind of story is this even supposed to be?  Isn't it a little serious for a kid's show?"

Maya shot back, "Get with the program, old man!  Everybody loves it when TV shows get a little darker and edgier."  She whirled to face the other lawyer seated beside him. "You agree, right?  Don't you like things edgy, Mr. Edgeworth?"

"Mm…"  Choosing to pardon the pun, Edgeworth agreed.  "It is an interesting choice to base the plot on an old cinematic classic.  I can commend the franchise for being willing to take risks in a direction that appeals to more mature viewers peripheral to its target demographic."

"…Excuse me?"  Phoenix threw Edgeworth a baffled glance, having hoped his old rival would support his argument just this once.

With unwavering eyes, the prosecutor clarified, "I'm only speaking from a marketing perspective."

"Anyway!" Maya interjected.  "How often do commonfolk like you actually get to guest-star in a real Steel Samurai special?"

Phoenix protested in vain, "Commonfolk like me? What about y–"

(…Oh, right. You're a little too unique to be called "common.")

His assistant grinned smugly. "That’s right, I was already a shoo-in to play the character I inspired, after all!  I told the director I'd do it only if my friends could be in the movie, too.  You should thank me for this opportunity!"

"J00 4C70RZ!"  The jarring voice of the director called out from the neighboring studio.  "R U rE4dy 2 m4Ke dIs m0V13 h4PPen?"

"…"  The lawyer’s most crucial objection to participating in this project was the idea of having any further involvement with the greasy criminal accomplice whom he had the displeasure of meeting two years prior.  However, his objection was overruled by the unboundable excitement of his young friend.

Rising from his seat, Phoenix sighed and resigned himself to fate.

"5c3N3 0n3!!!1"

Slow pan.  The courtroom is hushed in anticipation.  The entire gallery is so silent that one can clearly hear every drop of rain that splashes on the cold ground outside.

At once, the silence is broken by the slam of the courtroom door.  The attorney barges in, panting, in the middle of this important case.

All others hardly stir.  The only response from the prosecutor is a subdued mutter.  "I don’t understand," he is repeating, angst dripping from his words.  "I don’t understand."

The latecoming defense attorney understands even less.  "What is it?  What don’t you understand?"

"This entire case, which I should have easily solved in your absence…  It makes no sense at all."

The attorney sheepishly scratches the back of his head.  "Oh, come on.  A famous prosecutor like you, and our wise judge here– you've surely heard every story in the book."

"No," says the latter from atop his golden bench, stroking his silver beard.  "Not even the wise judge has heard a story quite like this."

"Here in the courthouse garden," the former somberly explains, “a man has been murdered.”

There is a brief beat.

"…I-is that so?”  The attorney fails to convey the proper level of concern.  "It's awful, but I mean, we've had murders inside the courthouse too."

"Of course, I've seen plenty of murders myself, but this…  This is beyond any crime and any disaster."  The prosecutor lowers his heavy head.  "Worse than fire, famine, or earthquake."

The tension is palpable.  What could possibly be as devastating as all that?

"Three days ago, the Steel Samurai himself… WAS ASSASSINATED!"

Gasps!

Dramatic close-ups on horrified reactions!

The prosecutor slams one hand on his desk to silence the riot.

"You there!"  He thrusts his index finger toward a certain person seated along his side of the courtroom floor.  "I'm calling you to the stand!  Summarize the case thus far."

The person nods vigorously.  "You've got it, pal.  It's not like I have anywhere else to go.  The rain doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon…"

-TESTIMONY-

It was three days ago, pal.  I was on my way out from attendin' to business in this court.

Out in the garden grove, a bunch of strange-looking things were scattered around the area.

Like a trail of evidence, it led me right to the scene of a crime I never expected to see:  the cold corpse of the old samurai!

When I saw the body...  Naturally, I let out a yell and ran as fast as I could to go get the police!

"HOLD IT!  ...The police?"  The prosecutor narrows steely eyes at his subordinate.

"I mean... to go get backup, pal.  Heh-heh."

"Please elaborate," he instructs.  "What sort of strange evidence did you see?"

"Sure thing.  A detective's eye, you know, always noticin' stuff."

First, there was a long pink veil caught in the bushes.

A little closer to the body, there was some sort of talisman case with red lining.

Finally, next to the body, there was a cut-up piece of rope, pal.

(Interesting. I should jot this down in the court record.

...Wait, I almost forgot this isn't a real trial.)

The judge interrupts with a loud sigh.  "And to think, Mr. Prosecutor, you and I had both caught a glimpse of this man, healthy and well, out in the grove mere hours before his death."

"That's right," the prosecutor responds.  "I recognized him by his iconic mask, and armed with his iconic weapon, the Samurai Sword.  He was escorting a woman in striking pink armor-- but the woman had a veil, so we couldn't see her face."

"Uh, can we cut for a second?"

"CUT!  ...Wut U w4nT?"

"Well, if the samurai also had his face under a mask, I don't get that last statement.  How could you be sure it was him, yet doubt the woman?"

"Duh, Nick.  Everybody knows that the mask is part of the Steel Samurai's identity.  It would  only be weird if he didn't have it.  On the other hand, at this point in canon the Pink Princess isn't well known outside of Little Olde Tokyo.  Her outfit wouldn't be enough to give her away."

"Yeah, but--"

"OK!  4C710N!"

"But the samurai..."  The prosecutor solemnly shakes his head.  "I didn't expect that would be the last time I'd ever see him alive.

"Ah yes," the judge muses.  "Even for such a brave warrior, life is as frail and fleeting as the morning dew."

The policeman scratches his chin.  "Well, we actually found him toward the afternoon, pal."

The judge's eyes widen. "Are you suggesting that the morning don't?"

"So..."  The defense attorney takes the chance to speak up. "Do we have a suspect or a murder weapon?"

"You bet, pal!" The answer is delivered with a hearty salute.  "In fact, the person we caught is none other than the notorious criminal everyone's been buzzin' about!  The new heir to the line of EVIL NINJAS that've long been terrorizin' the Steel Samurai's regime!"

Bursting through the door, a bailiff drags in the struggling prisoner-- a feisty female ninja with raven-black hair. Her garish clothes drawing the attention of every eye in the gallery, she violently kicks the air.

“Lemme go!”  The young ninja rips her arms free from the bailiff.  “Lemme GO!”

"When we caught her, she was carryin' the sword you see here..."  The policeman raises the relevant evidence from the stand in front of him.  "None other than the legendary Samurai Sword!"

"I understand," says the prosecutor.  "The day after the murder, she was found passed out by the side of the river, evidence in hand.  Presumably, she was caught in the act of theft, and killed him to escape.  Then, exhausted from the struggle, she fell asleep by the waters."

The suspect, who had been listening to the charges, begins to laugh hysterically.

"Come on!" she squawks.  "There's nothing wrong with a little nap."

"You didn't say anything about the murder.  To what part of the accusations do you object?"

"Listen, I'm a ninja with honor.  The only thing I ever steal is the truth!  Naturally, that means I have nothing to hide!"

(Who even is this?  This character is awfully suspicious, down to the actress herself.)

"So then, motives aside, do you confess responsibility for the fate of our samurai?"

Her maniacal laughter rings out again.  "...That's right!  I did it!"

"What!?"  The prosecutor is aghast.  "With such insolence?  How dare you!"

"Oh, the wind carried me into flight... but I struck with my own wing."  She inhales deeply.  "Here's exactly what happened..."

-THE BANDIT'S STORY-

Three days ago, I was napping under a tree in the grove, drifting in and out of dreams.

So I thought it was a dream when I saw him...  Coming down the path, that goody-goody Samurai escorting this woman in pink.

She had a veil as a disguise.  Probably some damsel in distress he was saving.

That's when... the fateful wind lifted her veil, revealing a glimpse of the rosy face beneath.

It was only then that I snapped awake!  This was no dream, and this was not just any woman.

This was the Pink Princess of Little Olde Tokyo-- getting all cozy with the Steel Samurai!

I thought, this was my chance.  I could get to the Samurai by striking at his heart:  his precious Princess.  I couldn't take him down alone, but if I could get her to join me instead of him, he'd be at my mercy!  Persuasion is a specialty of my clan, you know...

I set my plan into motion.  While the Princess was off gathering water at the river, I snuck up on the Samurai from behind and used my handy stash of rope to tie him up to a tree.  It happened so fast and so easily that I was surprised at my own strength!

With the Samurai out of my way, I went back to find the woman.

We met eyes through the branches.  "...Samurai?" she questioned me.

"Nope, I'm a ninja.  You can tell by my trademark shuriken!"

"Very funny.  I mean, where is my Samurai?"

"Oh, him?  I saw him resting over by a tree.  I think he might be sick."

"Sick...?" There was such sappy emotion in her voice.  Like, did she really care that much about him?  All I could think about was showing her how pathetic he looked tied to that tree.  Then she'd definitely wanna side with me!

Now, again, I'm stronger than I look.  I scooped her right on up, Princess-style, and ran.

(What kind of mutant strength does this teenage ninja have!?)

Her veil caught on a stray branch along the way, and I could see her shocked face.

"Evil Ninja!" she gasped.  "It's you!  What do you think you're doing!?"

"I'm taking you to the dark side, Princess!  You'll have no choice but to join forces with me instead!"

I set her down to see her helpless hero.

This is where things got weird...  She looked at him, then back at me...

Suddenly, that innocent expression turned fierce, as she drew her rapier from her armor's sheath and started slashing at me!

Whoa!  She really had me fooled with her goody-goody act!  I laughed out loud, 'cause now I wanted her on my side even more.  It was like a game as I danced around tree trunks, avoiding her swipes.

"Join me, and we could take down that stupid Samurai together!"

The rapier dropped slowly out of her hands and her face went dark.  She repeated in a whisper, "Take down... the Samurai..."

"HAHAHAHA!  My plan was a total success!"

SLAM!  The prosecutor furiously pounds a hand on his desk.   "Villain! You corrupted the pure heart of the Pink Princess!"

"Eh...  It didn't last very long though.  That heart of hers is weaker than a twice-picked lock."

She snapped out of it as easily as she'd snapped in.

"What am I saying...? I've dishonored both our states by even considering betrayal."

She gave me her rapier to cut the samurai's ropes.  "You two worthy opponents must fight.  I'll have no choice but to go with whoever survives."

And so, we faced off.  I even waited for him to strike first!  I may be a ninja, but I'm also an honorable gal.

I used the princess's skinny rapier to counter his legendary Samurai Sword.  My skills are so great that I wasn't even at a disadvantage.  We crossed blades twenty-three-and-a-half times.  I remember because I was so impressed.  No one's ever crossed me more than twenty!

THEN I GOT HIM!  BAM!  Right in the chest!  I defeated the Samurai, fair and square!

When I turned around, the Princess was gone.  The fighting must have scared her away.

I wanted an ally with a fierce spirit, but after all she was just a loser who couldn't handle a fight!  So I wasn't interested anymore...

Still, while I claimed his sword as a victory prize, her rapier was probably just as valuable. It was pretty dumb of me to leave it behind!

"OBJECTION!  ...Didn't you say you don't steal anything but the truth?"

"Uh...  Right, yeah, of course.  Hahaha."

SLAM!  The judge strikes his gavel on the bench.

"Prosecutor, you have a suspect who has directly confessed to the crime.  Isn't this all the deliberation we need?"

He shakes his head.  "Your Honor, as much as I wish to see justice done for our samurai's true killer...  It is for this very reason that the trial must go on.  We will hear the accounts of all possible witnesses, including the princess herself."

SLAM!  The attorney shields his ears from all the clatter.  At that moment, the courtroom door gives another dramatic burst.

The edges of the doorway shine with a hopeful light.  From behind the barrier, a perfectly poised woman in pink makes her appearance on cue.

"Indeed!  Though my lord's spirit is gone, long live the spirit of justice!"

"Princess!" the gallery cries.  "It's the Pink Princess!"

With no veil to hide her painted face or her flowing hair, she confidently takes the stand.  "People of the court...  As much as it will pain me to do, a true account is exactly what I intend to give.  Or my name isn't the Pink Princess, Warrior of Little Olde Tokyo!"

-THE WOMAN'S STORY-

That terrible ninja...  I would never dream of betraying my dear Samurai!

She was certain that she could sway me, bragging about what a great bandit she was.  "I can even steal people's hearts!"

I tried to run to his side, but I became dizzy and fell to the ground, such that my veil came tumbling off.

I may act strong now, but the truth is...  In the moment, I failed.

The bandit attacked the Samurai, but unlike in her grandiose tale she was unable to finish the job. She ran away in the middle of the fight, dropping leftover pieces of rope like a trail behind her.

When it was safe, I finally rose and made it into the samurai's arms.  But... the look I saw in his eyes chilled me to the soul.

It was neither anger, nor sorrow... but the cold light of pure hatred.

"Have I dishonored you, my Samurai?  Don't look at me in such a way!  It's the cruelest punishment I can imagine!"

But his steely gaze held steady, almost as if in some sort of trance.

I held out my rapier as an offering to him, resigned to my fate.  "Kill me if you must!  Preserve the honor of your name!  Just stop with that cruel look in your eyes! I can't take it!  Stop, stop!"

"Maya, please...  Wasn't she just looking at the face on his mask?"

"Nick, it's not your line!  Have you no tact?  Let the Princess mourn!"

"But I mean..."

"4C710N!!!"

And that was it.  I must have fainted after that.  When I came to, and looked around...  There it was.  My own rapier, stuck in my own dear lord's chest!

"A tragedy indeed," the prosecutor laments.  "But does this mean you are unclear about the actual moment of the murder?"

I refuse to accept the ninja's victory with honor.  I know not what happened, whether she returned to catch him in a weaker state, or whether another person entered the scene.  But I can certainly say that his demise was the doing of a coward.

"Oh my."  The judge looks troubled.  "The more we hear, the less clear it gets."

The policeman waggles his heavy eyebrows.  "You know, pal, it's funny.  Since the suspicious bandit was found with the Samurai Sword, we would've thought that was the murder weapon."

"Hm, why yes.  And yet both witnesses have testified that it was the Princess's rapier."

"The rapier itself wasn't found at the scene.  I wonder where it is now, pal!"

"In lack of evidence," the prosecutor speaks, "these words are everything.  Unfortunately, everyone inevitably holds a biased account."

"You're right.  What can we do, sir?"

"...HOLD IT!"

(Finally, I get a line in somewhere!  And one I've practiced so much.)

In an instant, all eyes converge upon the source of the shout.

"I have an idea," the attorney speaks, "if the honorable court would hear out a commoner's plan."

(Though I could do without the excessive humility.)

"Very well," the judge graciously agrees.  "What are your thoughts?"

"Well, we've heard from all the witnesses.  I would say that the only thing left to do... is to hear the tale from the man himself."

The courtroom gallery buzzes with confusion.  "Huh?  From the Steel Samurai?  But how?"

"I happen to know a spirit medium, who can communicate with the spirit of the deceased."

"So even if he's gone, we can hear his story..."

The camera pans down, down, down.  A petite body draped in light purple robes peeks out from her hiding spot behind the defense's bench.  The extra small medium speaks in an even smaller voice.

"H-hello.  I am a channeler of the dead.  I will do my best to shed a shining light on the true purr-pa-traitor."

The judge's eyes widen.  "This is madness!  A spirit medium?  We haven't used this technique in years, since the fall of the last regime..."

"And yet," the attorney insists, "it may be the most reliable method there is.  After all, why would a dead man lie?"

The lights dim.

From the orchestra, a heartrending ballad pours out to fill the ambience of the fallen hero's scene.

From the center of the room where the spirit medium stands, a strong and familiar voice resounds, a voice that is not her own.

"It is I, the Steel Samurai!  I am now suffering in the world of darkness, where I can no longer protect the people who rely on me."

(So in this movie, when a medium channels someone, only their voice comes through.  Considering the true face of the victim, that's a relief.)

"...Sniff."

(But, poor Mr. Powers.  Cast down to a voiceover role.  I can hear him sniveling between lines.)

"Ahem.  It is a dark day for Neo Olde Tokyo.  But someday, surely, the villain too will fall.  When that day comes... I'll see you in hell, Evil Ninja."

"Worry not, my lord," the prosecutor asserts.  "Justice will be served in your honor.  Simply tell us the legend of your final moments."

-THE SAMURAI'S STORY-

It hurts, my dear Princess... to hear you testify that my death was the work of a coward.

Every action I took was to ensure the very opposite.  Allow me to tell my own tale.

After the bandit attacked the Princess and left her full of shame, she then preyed on these emotions.

"Now that you've been tainted with traitorous thoughts, why not join me once and for all?"

The way the Princess looked at that moment... it was no ordinary look, and it was certainly not my Princess's face.

On my honor, she was bewitched!  It was the ninja clan's devious power of mind control!

"I'll join you," is what she shockingly replied.

"Now that we're on the same side, we have to take out the samurai!"

"Yes.  TAKE OUT THE SAMURAI!"

Even the bandit turned pale at her fierce, frightening words.  After regaining her composure, she addressed me with a scoff.

"Are you hearing this, Samurai?  How do you feel about your traitorous Princess?"

Waging a battle of will against the ninja's tricks myself, my head was spinning and the conversation around me grew faint.

All I could muster was, "Princess, snap out of it...  Save yourself..."

Soon, I was relieved to hear her footsteps as she obeyed and escaped into the woods.

The Evil Ninja turned to me once more.  "Oh, she got away.  I guess I have to deal with you myself."

The ninja readied the rapier that she had stolen from my Princess, and approached me.

In one swift motion, I took the weapon from her hands... and I killed myself with it instead.

That is the one and only truth.  After all, that's the only honorable way for a samurai to go...

"...OBJECTION!"

The outburst erupts from the prosecutor's bench.

"My lord!  I am loath to oppose you, but I cannot stand for these lies any longer."

"Prosecutor, what do you mean?"

"The rapier, as everyone mysteriously insists, was not the murder weapon.  This man was killed by the sword!"

The judge thoughtfully strokes his beard.  "I see, and...  how are you so sure about that?"

"Because I...  I was there."

Gasps!

"Prosecutor...  You saw the whole thing, didn't you?  Why didn't you tell the court?"

"I wished not to get involved. Of course, now there doesn't appear to be much of a choice.  I will add my own testimony."

The man in red, with piercing eyes that could slice through wood, nobly takes the witness stand.

-THE WOODCUTTER'S STORY-

This courthouse is a second home to me.  Of course I was nearby.

I first found the pink veil caught on a branch in the grove...  At the same time, I heard the sounds of voices.

Peering through the foliage, I witnessed the Samurai tied up, the woman on the ground sobbing, and the bandit gloating.

I didn't only see him before and after the crime, as I earlier claimed.  I saw the scene of his very death.

"Come with me!" the bandit crowed to the Princess.  "You and I together will take down the Samurai!"

"Take... down..."  Tears filled her eyes and choked her words.

"Eh?  I can't hear you!" the bandit demanded.  "Quit crying and answer!"

With that, oddly, her crying stopped on a dime.  "Hmph. Impossible.  How could I, an innocent Princess, make such a decision?"

The newly articulate woman approached the Samurai, and with her rapier swiftly cut the ropes that bound him.

"Go ahead, take him down yourself.  If you can't, you're not a real ninja!"

"This... can't be my Princess," the warrior lamented, and I thought the same thing. "This must be mind control!  Her love isn't this weak!"

The Princess broke out into laughter.  Getting a better look at her face, unobscured by crocodile tears, I saw that it had completely changed.  "Oh, Samurai...  A famous writer once said, 'A woman loves a man who loves passionately.'  Your love is that which needs to be tested."

They were finally motivated to fight.  The Evil Ninja seized hold of the Samurai's sword, and the Samurai was left with his Princess's rapier.  Even with this advantage, she didn't put up nearly as impressive a fight as she would have you believe, I assure you.

The Samurai valiantly blocked each of the bandit's thrusts, one by one.  The sound of metal against metal echoed through the grove.

Suddenly, the Princess swooned backwards, reeling from her seeming trance.  In this brief moment, the Samurai was distracted by her fall, and it was only then that the ninja managed to land one lucky strike... or rather, a fatally unlucky one.

The deed done, the great Steel Samurai sunk to his knees.  The bandit, in pure shock, withdrew the sword from his body and stared down at it.  Then she decided to replace the rapier instead into the corpse's chest, running off with the sword as her trophy.

"So this is the real story...?" asks the judge. "Then why wasn't the rapier found at the scene of the crime, I wonder?"

"That is, er...  TAKE THAT!"  With a sweeping gesture to the court record, the prosecutor reveals his possession of the rapier all along.

"Sir, you withheld evidence!?" the detective roars.  "But how can we trust you then?"

"Admittedly irrational in the moment, I removed it in a vain attempt to help him, though he was already gone...  Then I confiscated it as evidence.  I waited for the right time to present it, but at every turn it made less sense..."

"Feh!" the ninja girl scoffs.  "Are you sure you didn't just want a souvenir, samurai fanboy?  And you all call me the bandit."

All around, each person in the courtroom is eyeing one another with suspicious disbelief.

The judge somberly shakes his head.  "Human beings who can't trust each other...  What has my job come to?"

(That's how your job has always been, Your Honor...)

SLAM!

"Let's take a moment and think about this," the judge continues. "The Bandit, the Woman, the Samurai, and the Woodcutter.  Out of these four contradicting stories, whose is the most believable?"

"Hm...  I still say the victim's firsthand account should be the most believable," the attorney insists.  "Again, why would a dead man lie?"

"Mister Attorney..."  The young spirit medium suddenly speaks again, the sound of her shy voice a quiet surprise.  "Isn't that a great question?"

"Huh?  What do you mean?"

"The spirits told me... that's the question you should be asking.  After all, Mister Attorney, that's your doo-dee of juzz-tizz!"

"..."

Struck with inspiration, the attorney at last raises a confident finger.

"That's right...  People of the court, there may be justice yet!"

-CROSS-EXAMINATION-

It's time for a turnabout!

Instead of looking at the suspects' motives to kill, why not look at their motives to lie about killing?

The bandit... would lie to claim the honor of defeating her clan's sworn enemy.

The samurai... would lie to preserve that honor, and to protect his beloved Princess from suspicion.

The woman...  Her motives, between her strange behavior and hazy memory, are the most unclear.

Her changing face... the so-called mind control...  It's all coming together!

The judge appears captivated and excited.  "Enlighten us, commoner!"

"Well... We still don't know the culprit, but we may have another character involved that may make the accounts we have more compatible to judge.  The presence of a fifth party is based on reasoning that is difficult to prove, yet we have proof in the very courtroom: spirit mediums.  And, if my hunch is correct, not just the little one."

The Pink Princess steps gracefully forward.  "An astute observation, Sir Attorney.  Indeed, I hail from a royal bloodline of strong spiritual power."

"I see..." murmurs the prosecutor.  "This could be the key to understanding her strange behavior.  She never betrayed our lord after all."

"And maybe, the long arm of justice will have to reach somewhere beyond!"

"...MY PRINCESS!"

With a dramatic slam, more dramatic than any other, the courtroom doors burst open one last time.  Trumpets flare with a familiar melody.

"Wait, what?"

"I thank you, commoner.  My Princess is purged of her dishonor."  A deep masculine voice rings out as once before, but no longer from the spirit medium's position.  "I too, will reclaim my honor and together we will return to our rightful service."

Standing proudly between the courtroom doors, a tall and muscular figure is drenched in the rain that continues to pour outside, which only makes his steel armor glisten all the more with the impending hope of the rising sun.

Here before everyone stands...  the Steel Samurai, well and alive!?

"…Wait!  No!  HOLD IT!  This is definitely a contradiction!"

"Nick!"  The princess puffed out her rosy cheeks.  "An actor must always keep in character!"

"I am my character!  And I don’t think he would stand for this."  Phoenix turned, troubled, to the grubby little director.  "The medium couldn’t have channeled the samurai to testify if he wasn’t actually dead.  If that’s the case, this whole story doesn’t hold any water."

"Hm," the prosecutor mused.  "Then again, are irreconcilable contradictions not the very theme of the original film?"

(Edgeworth…  Tell me you're not praising the writing for being purposely bad.)

"…It is clever," he shrugged with a smirk, "though I don’t believe in irreconcilable contradictions."

“L0L.”  Not actually laughing at all, the director stared condescendingly at his blue-suited actor.  "D0 j00 7h1nk 1’m 5700p1D 3n0ugH 2 fR4G t3h 5733L 54mur41?“

"Obviously, the face of the franchise can't die!  Just be patient and it’ll all work out in the end," Maya confidently asserted, as if she were the one running the show.  "We still haven't gotten to the part about the Iron Infant!  Where they all discover a reason to restore their faith in humanity– and get back to fighting Evil, of course."

Phoenix opened his mouth to object to absolutely everything, but, much like his character, he had no answer to these contradictions.  Unlike his character, his faith in humanity was anything but restored.