#and i want to have something for the official anime rum reveal

[raventhekittycat]

okay it's 2:48. Should I sleep and finish the last ep tomorrow with special party drinks for Rum or should I push ahead?

[rt8815]

OC Ask Game

I was tagged by the amazing @illegalcerebral

I put a Keep Reading link because this is looong.

1) Name (and why you chose it if you like) McKinley Campbell Durand. I named her after McKinley Morganfield, better known as Muddy Waters. However, the “in universe?” reason that will be given - which I haven’t written yet - is that McKinley and Campbell are family names from a few generations back.

Campbell comes from the Gaelic words for ‘crooked’ and ‘mouth.’ I just like the name. Here’s a post (that I had to rewrite because Tumblr’s a dick and wouldn’t let me edit the typos in the original. The rewrite had typos too! Blargh!) that discusses her first and last names. I thought it would be funny for her full name to consist solely of last names.

2) Fandom and how they fit into the story Criminal Minds. She works at a D.C. museum practically around the corner from the J. Edgar Hoover building (as indicated in “Let It Bleed”). That’s a tiny hint that it’s the National Museum of African American History & Culture, but I don’t think I’ll mention it very often, if for no other reason than I’ve never been to the NMAAHC and don’t want to describe it inaccurately.

The official story is that Spencer and McKinley met at the museum (again, in “Let It Bleed,” which is probably the least favorite thing of mine that I’ve written). However, they’d met once before, and texted a few times after that. Because my brain is all over the place, and because I’m telling the story in non-chronological order, I haven’t written their first meeting yet. The only details I’ve revealed thus far are that it was nighttime in a park, McKinley caught Spencer off guard and made him fall to the ground, and whatever they talked about set Spencer straight and lifted his spirits. Also, a swingset was involved. Beyond that, I’ve inserted McKinley into the plotlines and events of the show, with necessary alterations, and there’s a ton of domestic Spencer and off-duty team stuffs.

3) Do they have any family? Biological family: daughter Sophie and son Jason; her Mom (no name yet); maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins; and her estranged father (no name yet). Chosen/found family: husband Spencer; the BAU.

4) As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up? When she was a toddler, McKinley wanted to be a pediatrician (a doctor just for kids?! Cool!) or an ophthalmologist (she’s worn glasses practically her whole life). As an older child she aspired to be an entomologist or herpetologist. In her teenage years she considered a career in forensic pathology or criminal psychology. While earning her BA in English, she discovered that Public History was her true calling.

5) Their greatest dream To be a good Mom. To inspire learning in others.

6) Their worst nightmare Losing her family; having to see her father again.

7) Strengths Empathy, insight/self awareness, forgiving nature but knowing when to cut her losses

8) Weaknesses McKinley struggles with imposter syndrome.

She can be very mean. I mean, downright nasty cruel, verbally. This is rare though because, and I’m paraphrasing a future bit of dialogue here, anyone whose behavior could arguably warrant such a response is beneath her notice and not worth the effort. She’s more likely to close the door on someone. When she’s removed a person from her life, she is done. They become literally nothing to her. McKinley will rightly claim that this is about self-preservation and boundaries, but she really takes it to the next level.

9) What would they chose between: morning and night, sweet and savoury, beaches or meadows, cities or countryside, winter or summer, Christmas or Halloween (sorry, Spencer!), movies or TV shows, action or rom-com, clowns or vampires, stars or the moon (both!), cocktails or pints [Neither. McKinley doesn’t care for cocktails or beer. Scotch, brandy, rum, and dry wines are her poisons. She’s been known to add Kahlúah to vanilla ice cream, Baileys Irish Cream to coffee (she wants to try Drambuie next), or make hot toddies when she has a cold (obviously not mixing any alcohol with any medicine)]

10) How do they relax? Reading, or having Spencer read to her; knitting; listening to her records or playing her guitar; exercising with Boogie so she’s exhausted enough to sleep that night; baking and cooking

11) What makes them angry? Injustice, apathy/indifference, ableism, willful ignorance

12) What makes them afraid? The awful things she’d possibly do under duress; her family getting hurt or worse; spiders and other bugs that bite and/or sting

13) What is a moment from their childhood that has shaped who they are? It’s not a single event, but growing up with an abusive parent has certainly had a lifelong impact on McKinley. You’ve heard the expression “once bitten, twice shy?” She’s “once bitten, there’s no twice because you no longer exist.” She’s working on that. It’s also cultivated empathy, though, and is part of the reason she volunteers in the hospital’s rehab wing.

14) Do they have a sense of humour? Intellectual humor, pop culture references, puns/Dad jokes, science jokes. Sometimes morbid.

15) What do they value in their friends/loved ones? Honesty and empathy

16) Do they have any pets? An Aussie Collie/Border Aussie named Boogie-Woogie. He’s her first child.

17) Worst memory? Probably the day Meadows shot her and she thought she’d never see Spencer and Penny again.

18) Best memory? The days Sophie and Jason were born. Minus, y’know, the agonizing pain of labor and delivery.

19) Do they have any tattoos? (If no would they get one?) Nope and nope

20) If you could write them into another fandom, which one would you choose? If I knew the MCU better, I’d love to write her in as a Stark Tower employee! She’d be an anthropologist and would study alien societies the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. have encountered. She’d naturally be drawn to Loki, initially in a professional capacity (they quickly discover they relate to each other on a personal level as well).

He’d first find her annoying: “Why are you pestering me, Mortal? Surely you’d rather interview my oaf of a brother?”

“No, not even remotely. He only ever wants to discuss battles he’s won. There’s so much more to Asgard and the other realms than that. I want - I need - to learn your literature, your science, your culture and history. You’re well versed in all of these subjects and you’re an excellent teacher.”

He stares at her impassively over his mug of tea, but his heart - that Judas of an organ - flutters slightly at the compliment. And how can he say no to a fellow scholar?

“I prefer your company to Thor’s too. You have this calming presence. Thor’s sweet but he’s also obnoxiously loud and brash and he always hugs me even though I keep telling him I don’t like it. And he’s constantly swinging his hammer around, which makes me think he’s overcompensating for something.”

Loki nearly chokes on his tea. Yes, this mortal is considerably more tolerable than others.

“Very well. Friday evenings at 6:00, my chambers. Arrive late and suffer my wrath.”

From that day forward, whenever Thor tries to hug her, he gets mildly electrocuted.

Did I accidentally sorta kinda write a drabble? Would anyone be interested in making this a collab? That’s what they’re called, right? (Can you tell I’ve given this some thought? Haha! I have even more details in my head.)

21) Do they like their job? (What else would they do if they could?) She loves it! Hmmm, what else…? A librarian maybe. Or animate and produce an educational cartoon series.

22) What is their sexuality? Demisexual

23) Do they believe in love at first sight? Soulmates? One true love? McKinley believes in “seeing the potential for a good relationship at first conversation.”

Yes, although she feels that term has become overused and poorly redefined.

People can find love again after it’s been lost.

24) What music do they listen to? Has that changed over time? I actually recently answered an ask about this. Yes, she grew up on what passed for country in the ‘90s. God help her, she had a boyband phase in junior high.

25) Can they cook? What food do they love? McKinley does pretty well in the kitchen. She loves a wide variety of food. She grew up in the south, so tons of carbs/comfort foods. She loves Thai, Japanese, and Indian food. She cooks up Middle Earth-inspired dishes (ha! nerd). She’s especially proud of a seed cake she bakes.

26) What are their hopes for the future? For her family to be healthy, safe and happy. To be debt free.

27) How do they react to being threatened? It’s a coin flip. McKinley might curl up like an armadillo and hope the predator gets bored and leaves, or she might kick the stool out from under them and cause their chin to slam into the bar and crack several teeth.

28) What is their love language? McKinley and Spencer both exhibit the Acts of Service love language, because just saying “I love you” isn’t enough. You ought to show it. She’ll randomly bake doughnuts for Spencer or play guitar for him in bed, and he’ll take care of laundry, dishes, and any other chores he sees need doing.

Quality Time is important for them too. Once a month, Luke and Penny babysit so Spencer and McKinley have a day alone together. It doesn’t really matter what they do. The point is it’s just them.

It caught McKinley by surprise how much she enjoys physical affection, given that she can be touch averse but holy moly she was more touch starved than she realized. She lives for snuggles and makeout sessions and playing with each others’ hair. When one of them doesn’t want to be touched, they hook their pinkies together.

29) What do they find most challenging in relationships? At work? In general? At work she struggles to gain her colleagues’ respect (think “Boy Genius” treatment except she has lady bits). In general, she struggles with trusting people.

30) What do you as a creator love best about writing this character? Giving her everything I wish I had but don’t.

Bonus: Include a link to your favourite work with this OC or write a small drabble.

October 12, 2021

Warm sunlight filtered through the curtains, gently rousing Spencer from a pleasant sleep. Just when he’d decided to get up, he felt the mattress dip behind him and his wife’s breath fanning over his ear.

“Who’s the birthday boy?” whispered McKinley.

Spencer smiled softly but feigned being asleep.

“Who’s the birthdaaay boooy?” she repeated, bouncing slightly.

“The good-looking guy to your left?”

“Happy Birthday!” she laughed, pressing kisses along his neck, suddenly shifting the mood from playful to sexy.

“Would the birthday boy like his birthday present?” she asked as she lifted the covers.

“Well, look at that - it’s already unwrapped!”

[ask-the-swapfell-crew]

the entire script of fear and loathing in las vegas but Raoul duke was replaced with SF!papyrus

BLACK SCREEN

A desert wind moans sadly.  From somewhere within the wind comes the tinkly, syrupy-sweet sounds of the Lennon Sisters singing "My Favorite Things." A series of sepia images of anti-war protests from the mid-sixties appear one after another on the screen.

In the violently scrawled style of Ralph Steadman, the title FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS splashes onto the screen.  A beat, and then it runs down and off revealing:

TITLE: "He who makes a beast of himself       Gets rid of the pain       Of being a man."       Dr. Johnson

The VOICE OF Papyrus E. Gaster-- a.k.a. SF!Papyrus:

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            We were somewhere around Barstow on            the edge of the desert when the            drugs began to take hold.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

A red Chevy convertible -- THE RED SHARK -- wipes the black screen.

EXT. ON THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

THE RED SHARK races down the desert highway at a hundred miles an hour.  THE STONES' "Sympathy For the Devil" blares.

AT THE WHEEL

STRANGELY STILL AND TENSE, Papyrus DRIVES -- SKELETAL, BEER IN HAND -- STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD.

BESIDE HIM, FACE TURNED TO THE SUN, EYES CLOSED BEHIND WRAPAROUND SPANISH SUNGLASSES, IS HIS SWARTHY AND UNNERVINGLY UNPREDICTABLE ATTORNEY, DR. GONZO.

The music pounds SF!papyrus stares straight ahead.  GONZO froths up a can of beer - uses it as shaving foam.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I remember saying something like:            "I feel a bit lightheaded.  Maybe            you should drive..."

GONZO starts shaving.

                                                           2.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Suddenly there was a terrible roar            all around us and the sky was full            of what looked like huge bats, all            swooping and screeching and diving            around the car...

Close on SF!papyrus -- shadows flutter across his face.  The reflections of bats swirl within his eyes.  We push in close to one eye ball -- SCREECHING SWIRLING BAT-LIKE SHAPES!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            ... and a voice was screaming: Holy            Jesus!  What are these goddamn            animals?

CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR -

SF!papyrus, eyes rigid, flails at the air.  No bats anywhere. GONZO casually looks over...

                        GONZO            What are you yelling about?

DUCK SCREECHES to the side of the road.  The sudden wrench makes GONZO nick his face with his razor.

                        SF!papyrus            Never mind.  It's your turn to drive.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            No point mentioning these bats.  I            thought.  The poor bastard will see            them soon enough.

SF!papyrus hops out of the car, keeping an eye out for bats, frantically opens the trunk to reveal what looks like A MOBILE POLICE NARCOTICS LAB.  SF!papyrus desperately rifles through the impressive stash.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            We had two bags of grass, seventy-            five pellets of mescaline, five            sheets of high powered blotter            acid, a salt shaker half full of            cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-            colored uppers, downers, screamers,            laughers... Also a quart of tequila,            a quart of rum, a case of beer, a            pint of raw ether and two dozen            amyls.

                                                           3.

SF!papyrus, eyes darting madly as he hears what sounds like the SHRIEKS OF BATS returning, grabs an assortment along with another six-pack of beer - slams the trunk shut and dives back into the car.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Not that we needed all that for the            trip, but once you get locked into            a serious drug collection, the            tendency is to push it as far as            you can.

THE RED SHARK RACES INTO THE DISTANCE... on the ground, weakly flapping is a SEMI-SQUASHED, SLOWLY DYING ANIMAL... A BAT?

EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY

IN THE RED SHARK

GONZO grips the wheel - stares maniacally down the road - a lousy driver.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The only thing that really worried            me was the ether.  There is nothing            in the world more helpless and            irresponsible and depraved than a            man in the depths of an ether binge.            And I knew we'd get into that            rotten stuff pretty soon.

The radio news wars with "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" on a tape recorder.

                        RADIO NEWS            An overdose of heroin was listed as            the official cause of death for            pretty 19 year old Diane Hanby            whose body was found stuffed in a            refrigerator last week...

GONZO changes the station - "ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE, SWEET JESUS, ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE" vies with "SYMPATHY"... He sings along - washes a couple of pills back with a new beer. The RED SHARK fishtails.

                        GONZO            "One toke over the line, sweet            Jesus."

                                                           4.

                        SF!papyrus                   (muttering to himself)            One toke.  You poor fool.  Wait            till you see those goddamn bats.

UP AHEAD - AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERTED ROAD

A LONE HITCHHIKER spots them, jumps up and sticks out a thumb.  The RED SHARK roars past.  Then, fifty yards down the road...

                        GONZO            Let's give that boy a lift.

GONZO wrenches the wheel - THE RED SHARK swerves to the side of the road.

                        SF!papyrus            We can't stop here - this is bat            country!

GONZO JAMS THE CAR INTO REVERSE AND ROCKETS BACKWARDS.  The HITCHHIKER races to the car.  A poor OKIE KID with a big grin.

                        HITCHHIKER            Hot damn!  I never rode in a            convertible before!

Then the big grin freezes on the OKIE KID's face at the sight of: SF!papyrus and GONZO looking out at him with HYPER- NORMAL, shit-eating SMILES.

                        SF!papyrus            Is that right?  Well, I guess            you're about ready, eh?

The HITCHHIKER hesitates.

                        GONZO            We're your friends.  We're not like            the others.

                        SF!papyrus                   (hissing sharply)            No more of that talk or I'll put            the leeches on you.

SF!papyrus turns back to the HITCHHIKER - smiles reassuringly.

EXT. EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY

The HITCHHIKER sits nervously in the back seat as the RED SHARK screams down the road.

                                                           5.

GONZO sings along to the tape player.

The HITCHHIKER's eyes go to the door - considers jumping out and taking his chances.

SF!papyrus, sweating bullets, STARES AT THE HITCHHIKER in the rear view mirror.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            How long could we maintain, I            wondered.  How long before one of            us starts raving and jabbering at            this boy?  What will he think then?            This same lonely desert was the            last known home of the Manson family.

The HITCHHIKER's eyes notice a thin line of blood trickling down GONZO's neck.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Would he make that grim connection            when my attorney starts screaming            about bats and huge manta rays            coming down on the car?

SF!papyrus's mouth moves intermittently - sometimes in sync with the words, sometimes not.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            If so - well, we'll just have to            cut his head off and bury him            somewhere.  Because it goes without            saying that we can't turn him loose.            He'd report us at once to some kind            of outback Nazi law enforcement            agency, and they'll run us down            like dogs...

                        SF!papyrus                   (out loud to himself)            Jesus!  Did I say that?

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Or just think it?  Was I talking?            Did they hear me?

                        GONZO                   (reassuringly to HITCHHIKER)            It's okay.  He's admiring the shape            of your skull.

SF!papyrus gives the HITCHHIKER a FINE BIG GRIN and the HITCHHIKER giggles nervously.

                                                           6.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Maybe I better have a chat with            this boy I thought.  Perhaps if I            explain things, he'll rest easy...

                        SF!papyrus                   (roaring over the                   road noise)            THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD            PROBABLY UNDERSTAND --

The HITCHHIKER stares at him, not blinking.

                        SF!papyrus                   (yells)            CAN YOU HEAR ME?

The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- terrified.  SF!papyrus climbs into the back seat.

                        SF!papyrus            That's good.  Because I want you to            have all the background.  This is a            very ominous assignment -- with            overtones of extreme personal            danger.  I'm a Doctor of Journalism!            This is important, goddamnit!  This            is a true story!...                   (WHACKS the BACK OF                   THE DRIVER'S SEAT                   with his fist)

The CAR SWERVES SICKENINGLY, then straightens out.

                        GONZO                   (screams)            Keep your hands off my fucking neck!

The HITCHHIKER makes a sudden lunge for freedom.  SF!papyrus GRABS HIM BACK DOWN.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Our vibrations were getting nasty --            but why?  Was there no communication            in this car?  Had we deteriorated            to the level of dumb beasts?

The HITCHHIKER STRUGGLES IN PANIC.

                                                           7.

                        SF!papyrus                   (to HITCHHIKER)            I want you to understand that this            man at the wheel is my attorney!            He's not just some dingbat I found            on the Strip.  He's a foreigner.  I            think he's probably Samoan.  But it            doesn't matter, does it?  Are you            prejudiced?

                        HITCHHIKER            Hell, no!

                        SF!papyrus            I didn't think so.  Because in            spite of his race, this man is            extremely valuable to me.  Hell, I            forgot all about this beer.  You            want one?                   (HITCHHIKER shakes                   his head)            How about some ether?

                        HITCHHIKER            What?

                        SF!papyrus            Never mind.  Let's get right to the            heart of this thing.  Twenty-four            hours ago we were sitting in the            Pogo Lounge of the Beverly Wills            Hotel...

INT. THE BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL POGO LOUNGE 1971 - DAY

A uniformed DWARF, carries a shockingly PINK TELEPHONE through the glittering, tranquil POGO LOUNGE CROWD.  They are the ELOI.  HENDRIX AFROS and DROOPING MUSTACHES and BELL BOTTOMS and LOVE BEADS and BELLS.  ACTRESSES sip Singapore Slings and PROMOTERS sip ACTRESSES in this MONIED, SANITISED VERSION OF THE GREAT REVOLUTION YEARS.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            ... in the patio section, of            course, drinking Singapore Slings            with mescal on the side, hiding            from the brutish realities of this            foul year of Our Lord, 1971.

The DWARF reaches SF!papyrus -- T-shirt, levis, sneakers and shades.  GONZO -- white rayon bellbottoms and a khaki tank top undershirt.  They are in the middle of a serious conversation.

                                                           8.

                        SF!papyrus            I'm telling you, the Salazar story            is getting too complicated.  The            weasels have started closing in.

The DWARF sneers.

                        DWARF            Perhaps this is the call you've            been waiting for all this time,            sir...

SF!papyrus lifts the receiver -- listens...

                        SF!papyrus            Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh...

SF!papyrus hangs up the PHONE with the DEAD-PAN EXPRESSION OF A MOVIE SPY.

                        DWARF            That was headquarters.  They want            me to go to Las Vegas at once and            make contact with a Portuguese            photographer named Lacerda.  He'll            have the details.  All I have to do            is check into my sound proof suite            and he'll seek me out.

GONZO, says nothing for a moment, then POUNDS the table!

                        GONZO            God hell!  I think I see the            pattern!  This one sounds like real            trouble!  You're going to need            plenty of legal advice before this            thing is over.  As your attorney I            must advise you that you'll need a            very fast car with no top and after            that, the cocaine.  And then the            tape recorder, for special music,            and some Acapulco shirts...                   (GONZO tucks his                   khaki undershirt into                   his white                   bellbottoms -- he                   means business!)            This blows my weekend, because            naturally I'll have to go with            you -- and we'll have to arm            ourselves.

                                                           9.

                        SF!papyrus            Why not?  If a thing's worth doing,            it's worth doing right.

SF!papyrus and GONZO are up and off.  The DWARF chases after them with the (very large) check in his hand.

They sweep out through the Lounge door, unaware of it swinging back into the face of the pursuing DWARF.

                        SF!papyrus            I tell you, my man.  This is the            American Dream in action!  We'd be            fools not to ride this strange            torpedo all the way to the end.

                        GONZO            Indeed.  We must do it.  What kind            of story is this?

EXT. BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY

SF!papyrus and GONZO emerge.

                        SF!papyrus            The Mint 400!  The richest off-road            race for motorcycles and dune-            buggies in the history of organized            sport!                   (handing parking                   ticket to Valet)            -- a fantastic spectacle in honor            of some fatback grossero who owns            the luxurious Mint Hotel in the            heart of downtown Vegas... at least            that's what the press release says.

Their car arrives -- rusted out, smashed door panels.  They jump in.

                        SF!papyrus            We're going to have to drum it up            on our own.  Pure Gonzo Journalism.

And they're off in a cloud of black exhaust as the nose- bleeding DWARF stumbles out with the unpaid bill in his hand.

EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY

The PINTO races through shot.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Getting hold of the drugs and            shirts had been no problem...

                                                          10.

EXT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY

The PINTO skids to a halt outside Polynesian bar, the back window full of Hawaiian shirts.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            ... but the car and tape recorder            were not easy things to round up at            6:30 on a Friday afternoon in            Hollywood.

INT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY

TORN YELLOW PAGES with dealer's ads ticked off lie in a pile as GONZO yells into a PAYPHONE.  SF!papyrus carries over four Singapore Slings.

                        GONZO            O.K., O.K., yes.  Hang onto it.            We'll be there in thirty minutes.                   (to SF!papyrus -- hand over                   the PHONE)            I finally located a car with            adequate horsepower and the proper            coloring.                   (into PHONE)            What?!  OF COURSE the gentleman has            a major credit card!  Do you            realize who the fuck you're talking            to?

                        SF!papyrus            Don't take any guff from these            swine.                   (GONZO slams the                   phone down)            Now we need a sound store with the            finest equipment.  Nothing dinky.            One of those new Belgian Heliowatts            with a voice-activated shotgun            mike, for picking up conversations            in oncoming cars.

                        GONZO            We won't make the nut unless we            have unlimited credit.

                        SF!papyrus            We will.  You Samoans are all the            same.  You have no faith in the            essential decency of the white            man's culture.

                                                          11.

EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DUSK

The PINTO races down street.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The store was closed, but the            salesman said he would wait, if we            hurried...

EXT. SUNSET BLVD - TRAFFIC JAM - DUSK

They're stuck in a traffic jam -- clouds of exhaust.  SF!papyrus BANGS ON THE HORN IN FURY.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            But we were delayed en route when a            Stingray in front of us killed a            pedestrain.

Directly in front of them: BLOODY CARNAGE -- a covered corpse is loaded into an ambulance by PARAMEDICS.

EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            We had trouble, again, at the car            rental agency.

Behind the wheel of the RED SHARK: SF!papyrus grins with satisfaction -- checking it out.  A nervous AGENT holds out a clipboard.  SF!papyrus signs without looking at the rental papers.

                        AGENT            Say... uh... you fellas are going            to be careful with this car, aren't            you?

                        SF!papyrus            Of course.

SF!papyrus throws the car into reverse -- roars backwards past the gas pumps to where GONZO is unloading their rusted out car.

                        AGENT            Well, good god!  You just backed            over that two foot concrete abutment            and you didn't even slow down!            Forty-five in reverse!  And you            barely missed the pump!

                        SF!papyrus            No harm done.  I always test the            transmission that way.  The rear            end.  For stress factors.

                                                          12.

GONZO transfers boxes of new sound equipment and a large box of rum and ice into the RED SHARK.

                        AGENT            Say.  Are you fellows drinking?

                        SF!papyrus            Not me.  We're responsible people.

He JAMS the car into LOW GEAR and lurches into traffic.  The AGENT runs into the street and helplessly watches them go.

                        GONZO            There's another worrier.  He's            probably all cranked up on speed.

EXT. RUNDOWN BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT

STRANGE AND MAGICAL.  In the moonlight: the silhouetted figures of SF!papyrus and GONZO as they pack the RED SHARK.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            We spent the rest of that night            rounding up materials and packing            the car.  Then we ate some mescaline            and went swimming.

The surf crashes in the distance...

EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT

SF!papyrus cries out as he dives into the ocean.  He lets himself float up through the silvery bubbles...

SF!papyrus AND GONZO FLOAT BEATIFICALLY IN THE GLOWING, SHIMMERING MOONLIT SURF.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Our trip was different.  It was to            be a classic affirmation of            everything right and true in the            national character; a gross,            physical salute to the fantastic            possibilities of life in this            country.  But only for those with            true grit...

EXT. AND EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY

SF!papyrus's intense face.

                        SF!papyrus            ...and we're chock full of that!

                                                          13.

                        GONZO            Damn right!

                        SF!papyrus            My attorney understands this            concept, despite his racial handicap.            But do you?!

The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- petrified.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            He said he understood, but I could            see in his eyes that he didn't.  He            was lying to me.

                        GONZO            My heart!

GONZO clutches his heart.  The car veers off the road and screeches to a halt.  He slumps over the wheel.

                        GONZO (CONT'D)            Where's the medicine?

                        SF!papyrus            The medicine?  Yes, it's right here.

SF!papyrus spills out 4 AMYL CAPSULES from a tin.

                        SF!papyrus            Don't worry, this man has a bad            heart... Angina Pectoris.  But we            have a cure for it.

SF!papyrus and GONZO break 2 AMYLS apiece -- INHALE DEEPLY.  GONZO falls back on the seat, staring straight up at the sun.  The HITCHHIKER looks petrified.

                        GONZO                   (suddenly flailing                   his naked arms at the sky)            Turn up the fucking music!  My            heart feels like an alligator!            Volume!  Clarity!  Bass!  We must            have bass!  What's wrong with us?            Are you goddamn old ladies?

                        SF!papyrus                   (turns up music to                   full volume)            You scurvy shyster bastard!  Watch            your language!  You're talking to a            Doctor of Journalism!

                                                          14.

                        GONZO                   (laughing uncontrollably)            What the fuck are we doing out here?            Somebody call the police!  We need            help!

                        SF!papyrus                   (to HITCHHIKER)            Pay no attention to this swine.  He            can't handle the medicine.                   (he begins laughing)

                        GONZO                   (to the HITCHHIKER)            The truth is we're going to Vegas            to croak a scag baron named Savage            Henry.  I've known him for years            but he ripped us off -- and you            know what that means, right?

GONZO pulls out a .357 Magnum -- waves it around.

                        GONZO (CONT'D)            Savage Henry has cashed his check!            We're going to rip his lungs out!

                        SF!papyrus            And eat them!  That bastard won't            get away with this!  What's going            on in this country when a scum            sucker like that can get away with            sandbagging a Doctor of Journalism?

GONZO cracks ANOTHER AMYL.

The HITCHHIKER SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE CAR, DOWN THE TRUNK LID, AND FLEES.

                        HITCHHIKER            Thanks for the ride.  Thanks a lot.            I like you guys.  Don't worry about            me.

                        SF!papyrus                   (yells)            Wait a minute!  Come back and have            a beer!

The HITCHHIKER RUNS from car.

                                                          15.

                        GONZO            Good riddance.  That boy made me            nervous.  Did you see his eyes?                   (laughing)            Jesus, this is good medicine.

SF!papyrus glances back at the running HITCHHIKER.

                        SF!papyrus                   (suddenly clambering                   into the front seat)            Move over!!  We have to get out of            California before that kid finds a            cop!

SF!papyrus GUNS THE RED SHARK -- TAKES OFF DOWN THE ROAD...

EXT. UNBELIEVABLY FAR DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY

THE RED SHARK races -- SF!papyrus at the wheel -- straight ahead driving.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            It was absolutely imperative that            we get to the Mint Hotel before the            deadline for press registration.            Otherwise, we might have to pay for            our suite.

GONZO wrestles with a shaker of COCAINE.  The top comes off and the powder swirls away on the wind.

                        GONZO            Oh, Jesus!  Did you see what god            just did to us?

                        SF!papyrus            God didn't do that!  You did it!            You're a fucking narcotics agent,            that was our cocaine, you pig!

                        GONZO                   (waving his .357                   Magnum at SF!papyrus)            You better be careful.  Plenty of            vultures out here.  They'll pick            your bones clean before morning.

                        SF!papyrus            You whore!

GONZO tears up a BLOTTER OF ACID.

                                                          16.

                        GONZO            Here -- chew this.  It's your half            of the acid.

SF!papyrus takes his half -- chews it.

                        SF!papyrus            How long do I have?

                        GONZO            Maybe thirty more minutes.  As your            attorney, I advise you to drive at            top speed.  It'll be a goddamn            miracle if we can get there before            you turn into a wild animal.  Are            you ready for that?  Checking into            a Vegas hotel under a phony name            with intent to commit capital fraud            and a head full of acid.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Thirty minutes.  It was going to be            very close.

The RED SHARK screams along the highway past a billboard: "DON'T GAMBLE WITH MARIJUANA! \ IN NEVADA: POSSESSION - 20 YEARS; SALE - LIFE!!"

EXT. LAS VEGAS MINT HOTEL - DUSK

The RED SHARK pulls up outside the MINT.  A great banner spanning the street announces the MINT 400.

SF!papyrus can feel the drug surging up inside him.  Clutching a buckled beer can, sweat pouring, he stares fixedly at the TICKET the ATTENDANT gives him.

                        SF!papyrus            I need this, right?

                        ATTENDANT            I'll remember your face.

SF!papyrus stares -- losing it...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There is no way of explaining the            terror I felt.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

SF!papyrus waits in line at the front desk -- RIGID WITH PENT UP ENERGY.  GONZO's ahead of him -- muscling in -- trying to queue jump and failing.

                                                          17.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I was pouring sweat.  My blood is            too thick for Nevada.  I've never            been able to properly explain            myself in this climate.

A COUPLE move off and SF!papyrus jerks forward -- stops -- eyes fixed on the stony FEMALE RESERVATIONS CLERK.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            Be quiet, be calm... name, rank,            and press affiliation, nothing            else...

SF!papyrus moves ANOTHER RIGID STEP CLOSER to the desk -- the tension almost snapping him in two.  GONZO's FLAPPING AROUND -- absolutely no success.

Something catches SF!papyrus's eye... He REMAINS ROOTED -- his eyes turning to the VEGETAL PAISLEY PATTERNS ON THE CARPET WHICH ARE SHIFTING -- UNDULATING.  THE CARPET PATTERNS ARE INEXORABLY CREEPING UP THE WALLS...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            ...ignore this terrible drug,            pretend it's not happening...

The LAST PEOPLE leave -- with A FINAL, STIFF MOVE, SF!papyrus comes face to face with the RESERVATIONS CLERK... AND EXPLODES!

                        SF!papyrus            HI THERE.  MY NAME... AH, Papyrus            SF!papyrus... ON... ON THAT LIST, THAT'S            FOR SURE.  FREE LUNCH, FINAL            WISDOM, TOTAL COVERAGE... WHY NOT?            I HAVE MY ATTORNEY WITH ME, AND I            REALIZE OF COURSE...

As SF!papyrus stares at her, BABBLING, her FACE BEGINS TO MORPH. He tries to stop it happening by TALKING FASTER.

                        SF!papyrus            ... THAT HIS NAME IS NOT ON THE            LIST, BUT WE MUST HAVE THAT SUITE.            YES.  JUST CHECK THE LIST AND            YOU'LL SEE.  DON'T WORRY.  WHAT'S            THE SCORE HERE?  WHAT'S NEXT?

SF!papyrus sags -- grips the desk -- WHITE KNUCKLES.

                                                          18.

                        RESERVATIONS CLERK                   (hands him an envelope)            Your suite's not ready yet.  But            there's somebody looking for you.

Her face is CHANGING -- SWELLING -- PULSING...

                        SF!papyrus                   (shouts)            NO!  WHY?  WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING            YET!

The FACE OF THE RESERVATIONS CLERK TURNS GREEN & GROWS FANGS. DEADLY POISON!  SF!papyrus LUNGES BACK at GONZO, who GRIPS his arm intensely -- REACHES OUT to take the ENVELOPE.

                        GONZO            I can handle this.  This man has a            bad heart, but I have plenty of            medicine.  My name is Dr. Gonzo.            Prepare our suite at once.  We'll            be in the bar.

GONZO manoeuvres SF!papyrus away from the desk.  SF!papyrus looks back -- the RESERVATIONS CLERKS is now a MORAY EEL -- green jowls and fangs.

INT. NAUTICAL BAR - DAY

The bar -- OILY PEOPLE -- quiet music -- nautical theme. SF!papyrus and GONZO at the bar, a marlin spike hanging on the wall behind them.  SF!papyrus has turned to stone...

                        GONZO                   (to the bartender)            Two Cuba Libres with beer and            mescal on the side.                   (opens the envelope)            Who's Lacerda, he's waiting for us            in a room on the twelfth floor?

                        SF!papyrus            Lacerda?

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I couldn't remember.  The name rang            a bell, but I couldn't concentrate.            Terrible things were happening all            around us...

SF!papyrus is staring -- RAPT -- TERRIFIED.  BLOOD FLOWS FREELY onto the floor.  SF!papyrus keeps his voice low.

                                                          19.

                        SF!papyrus            Order some golf shoes.  Otherwise,            we'll never get out of this place            alive.  It's impossible to walk in            this muck -- no footing at all...

SF!papyrus looks up -- GONZO has disappeared.

SF!papyrus looks around him -- the entire room has TRANSFORMED into a ROOM FILLED WITH REPTILES IN CLOTHES, DRINKING AND GNAWING AT ONE ANOTHER.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I was right in the middle of a            fucking reptile zoo.  And somebody            was giving booze to these goddamn            things!  It won't be long before            they tear us to shreds!

GONZO IS SUDDENLY BACK -- AT SF!papyrus'S SHOULDER.

                        GONZO            If you think we're in trouble now            wait until you see what's happening            in the elevators.

GONZO removes his sunshades and we see he's been crying... as he speaks he seems to be floating.  SF!papyrus struggles to keep him in his line of vision.

                        GONZO            I just went upstairs to see this            man Lacerda.  I told him I knew            what he was up to...                   (GONZO rallies --                   turns fierce)            He says he's a photographer!  But            when I mentioned Savage Henry he            freaked!  He knows we're onto him!

                        SF!papyrus            But what about our room?  And the            golf shoes?

A GROUP OF REPTILES AT A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM stares at them, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THEIR FANGS.

                        SF!papyrus (CONT'D)                   (grabbing GONZO                   trying to hold him still)            Holy shit!  Look at that bunch over            there!  They've spotted us!

                                                          20.

Cut to wider shot -- SF!papyrus is holding on to a man standing next to him at the bar.  The room has returned to normality. GONZO is sitting in his original position.

                        GONZO                   (downs his drink --                   gets up)            That's the press table.  Where you            have to sign in for our credentials.            Shit, let's get it over with.  You            handle that, and I'll check on the            room.

                        SF!papyrus            No, no.  Don't leave me!

Black screen.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DUSK

A TELEVISION shows the NIGHTLY NEWS.  A BUDDHIST MONK, protesting the war, sets himself on fire.  A very nervous BELL BOY is laying out GONZO's order.  A marlin spike is on the floor next to SF!papyrus.

                        BELL BOY            Four club sandwiches, four shrimp            cocktails.

                        SF!papyrus            There's a big... machine in the            sky... some kind of electric snake...

SF!papyrus is curled by the window -- MESMERIZED by an unseen neon sign outside the window.  His eyes fill with a million colored lights.

                        BELL BOY            ... a quart of rum...

                        SF!papyrus            ... coming straight at us.

                        GONZO            Shoot it.

                        SF!papyrus            Not yet.  I want to study its habits.

                        BELL BOY            ... and nine fresh grapefruit.

                                                          21.

                        GONZO            Vitamin C.  We'll need all we can            get.

GONZO sees the BELL BOY out the door -- turns and lays into SF!papyrus.

                        GONZO            Look, you've got to stop this talk            about snakes and leeches and            lizards and that stuff.  It's            making me sick!

SF!papyrus stares -- hears the drone of B52 BOMBERS...

On TV: The LAOS INVASION -- A SERIES OF HORRIFYING DISASTERS -- EXPLOSIONS AND TWISTED WRECKAGE.

Newsreel footage of MAI LAI MASSACRE and the LIEUTENANT CALLEY court-martial.

                        SF!papyrus            What are you talking about?

                        GONZO            You bastard!  They'll never let us            back in that place.  I leave you            alone for three minutes and you            start waving that goddamn marlin            spike around -- yelling about            reptiles!  You scared the shit out            of those people!  They were ready            to call the cops.  Hell, the only            reason they gave us press passes            was to get you out of there...

A knock at the door.  SF!papyrus and GONZO break out in a sweat.

                        SF!papyrus            Oh my God!  Who's that?!

GONZO STICKS HIS GUN IN HIS WAISTBAND -- opens the door to LACERDA -- BOUNCING WITH PUPPY DOG ENTHUSIASM.  GONZO stares at a man he instantly hates -- watches him with deep suspicion.

                        LACERDA            SF!papyrus?  I'm Lacerda your photographer.            Got your press passes?  Good, good.            Too bad you missed the bikes            checking in.  My, what a sight!

SF!papyrus watches the B-52S DROP THEIR BOMB LOADS.

                                                          22.

Looking down to the thick, patterned carpet, SF!papyrus sees the BOMBS EXPLODE like vicious flowers.

SF!papyrus looks up: LACERDA is a war photographer -- bruised, filthy and blood spattered.  LACERDA approaches him -- talking a foreign language.

                        LACERDA            Husquavarnas.  Yamahas.  Kawaskis.            Maicos.  Pursang.  Swedish Fireballs.            Couple of Triumphs, here and there            a CZ.  All very fast.  What a race            it's gonna be.

SF!papyrus screws up his eyes -- WILLS NORMALITY BACK.  LACERDA is now just a keen photographer.L

                        LACERDA            Well, we start at dawn.  Get a good            night's sleep.  I know I will.

And with a cheerful wave, he's gone.  SF!papyrus is in shock.

                        SF!papyrus                   (weakly)            That's good...

                        GONZO            I think he's lying to us.  I could            see it in his eyes.

                        SF!papyrus                   (even weaker)            They'll probably have a big net for            us when we show up.

SF!papyrus's attention returns to the devastation on the TV...

                        GONZO            Turn that shit off!

GONZO kills the TV.

Black screen.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Never lose sight of the primary            responsibility.  Cover the story.            But what was the story?  Nobody had            bothered to say.

                                                          23.

EXT. DESERT - DAWN

Against A BIG ORANGE SUN, on a concrete slab, MEN FIRE SHOTGUNS into the dawn sky.  Clay pigeons shatter.  The Mint Gun Club.

Next to them, MOTORCYCLES REV -- preparing for the MINT 400 RACE: A hundred BIKERS, MECHANICS and assorted MOTORSPORT TYPES milling around in the pit area; taping headlights, topping off oil in the forks, last minute bolt tightening.

SF!papyrus wanders through.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The racers were ready at dawn.            Very tense.  But the race didn't            start until nine so we had three            long hours to kill.

A sign by a long trestle table: "KOFFEE & DONUTS." SF!papyrus walks past -- ignoring the SMILING LADY behind the stall.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            Those of us who had been up all            night were in no mood for coffee            and donuts.  We wanted strong drink.            We were, after all, the Absolute            Cream of the National Sporting            Press and we were gathered here, in            Las Vegas, for a very special            assignment.  And when it comes to            things like this you don't fool            around.

INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY

A real pit of iniquity.  Slot Machines.  Crap tables.  Smoke. Drunken shouting.  The absolute cream of the NATIONAL SPORTING PRESS.

SF!papyrus is at the bar, engaged in drunken conversation with a LIFE REPORTER...showing him his notebook.

                        SF!papyrus            See..."Kill the body and the head            will die"... the Frazier/Ali fight...

                        MAGAZINE REPORTER            A proper end to the 60's... Ali            beaten by a human hamburger!

                        SF!papyrus            And both Kennedy's murdered by            mutants.

                                                          24.

A SHOUT goes up from outside.  The sound of engines revving.

                        REPORTER            That's it!  They're starting!

In a sudden rush the PRESS CROWD make for the door taking SF!papyrus with them.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

MOTORCYCLES REV -- tension builds...

A flag goes down.  The CROWD cheers.  The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY.  A great cloud of dust goes up -- obscuring the RACERS as they disappear into the desert...

A moment...

                        REPORTER            Well, that's that.  They'll be back            in an hour or so.  Let's go back to            the bar.

The CROWD turns and streams back into the tent.

INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY

SF!papyrus heads for the bar along with the REST.  It's packed. Drinks are ordered.

A shout from outside the tent goes up:

                        VOICE OFF            Group 2!

The CROWD rushes for the door.  SF!papyrus gets swept along.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

MOTORCYCLES REV.  A flag goes down.  The CROWD cheers.  The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY.  Another great cloud of dust goes up...

The CROWD head back for the bar.

INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY

The CROWD surge back to the bar.

                        VOICE OFF            Group 3!

This time SF!papyrus fights his way free of the CROWD.

                                                          25.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There was something like 190 more            bikes waiting to start.  They were            due to go off 10 at a time every 2            minutes.

SF!papyrus hits the bar.

                        SF!papyrus            Beer!

A middle-aged HOODLUM in a T-shirt booms up to the bar.

                        HOODLUM            God damn!  What day is this --            Saturday?

                        SF!papyrus            More like Sunday.

                        HOODLUM            Hah!  That's a bitch, ain't it?            Last night I was home in Long Beach            and somebody said they were runnin'            the Mint 400 today, so I says to my            old lady, "Man, I'm goin'." So she            gives me a lot of crap about it, so            I start slappin' her around, and            the next thing you know two guys I            never seen before are beating me            stupid.

                        VOICE OFF            Group 4!

Outside, another batch of motorcycles roar away -- kicking up more clouds of dust.

                        HOODLUM            Then they gave me ten bucks, put me            on a bus, and when I woke up here I            was in downtown Vegas, and for a            minute all I could think was, "O            Jesus, who's divorcing me this            time?" But then I remembered, by            God!  I was here for the Mint 400.            And, man, I tell you, it's wonderful            to be here.  Just wonderful to be            here with you people.

A silence.  A MAGAZINE REPORTER lunges across the bar -- grabs the BARTENDER.

                                                          26.

                        MAGAZINE REPORTER            Senzaman wassyneeds!

                        SF!papyrus                   (smacks the bar with                   his palm)            Hell yes!  Bring us ten!

                        VOICE OFF            Group 5!

                        MAGAZINE REPORTER                   (screams)            I'll back it!                   (slides off his stool                   to the floor)

Outside, motorcycles roar away.  The dust cloud billows into the tent -- getting denser.

                        MAGAZINE REPORTER (CONT'D)                   (on the floor)            This is a magic moment in sport!            It may never come again!  I once            did the Triple Crown, but it was            nothing like this.

A FROG-EYED WOMAN claws at the MAGAZINE REPORTER, tries to haul him up.

                        FROG-EYED WOMAN            Please stand up!  You're a            correspondent for a major national            magazine who's name we can't get            clearance for!  Please!  You'd be a            very handsome man if you'd just            stand up!

                        MAGAZINE REPORTER            Listen, madam.  I'm damn near            intolerably handsome down here            where I am.  You'd go crazy if I            stood up!

A feverishly eager LACERDA appears out of the dust cloud, 3 cameras slung round his neck.

                        LACERDA            Club soda, please.

                        FROG-EYED WOMAN                   (to MAGAZINE REPORTER)            Please!  I love Life!

                                                          27.

                        LACERDA                   (to SF!papyrus)            Man, it's great out there!

                        SF!papyrus            Lunatics.

LACERDA grins.

                        VOICE OFF            Group 6!

                        LACERDA            Meet you outside!

LACERDA downs his drink -- hurries out through the crowd and out into the cloud of dust.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

Nothing.  Except for a THICK CLOUD OF DUST.

Barely visible, a motorcycle comes speeding into the pits. The RIDER staggers off his bike.  The PIT CREW gas it up and sends it back with a FRESH RIDER.

SF!papyrus watches him disappear back into the dust cloud.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            By 10 they were spread out all over            the course.  It was no longer a            race, now it was an Endurance            Contest.  The idea of trying to            "cover this race" in any            conventional press sense was absurd.

A HORN HONKS.  A shiny BLACK BRONCO with DRIVER.  LACERDA hangs out of the window.

                        LACERDA            It's great, isn't it?!  Jump in!

SF!papyrus gets into the Bronco and they head into the DUST CLOUD.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

IN THE BRONCO.

SF!papyrus hangs on with his beer.  Nothing all around but the HUGE IMPENETRABLE CLOUD OF DUST.  LACERDA snaps madly away at nothing at all!

                                                          28.

                        LACERDA            I'll just keep trying different            combos of film and lenses till I            find one that works in this dust!

The SOUND OF MOTORCYCLES RACING...

We hear music and voices singing:

                        BATTLE HYMN            "...As we go marching on            When I reach my final campground,            in            that land beyond the sun,            And the Great Commander asks me..."            [What did he ask you, Rusty?]            "Did you fight or did you run?"

A moment later, the Bronco races out of the dust.  SF!papyrus coughs, chokes, drinks beer.

                        BATTLE HYMN                   (continuing)            [And what did you tell them,            Rusty?]            "We responded to their rifle fire            with everything we had..."

The sound of gun shots...

A DUNE BUGGY races toward them, loaded down with THREE RETIRED PETTY OFFICERS, DRUNK AS HELL.  The radio blares: "THE BATTLE HYMN OF LIEUTENANT CALLEY."

The dune buggy is COVERED WITH OMINOUS SYMBOLS: SCREAMING EAGLES CARRYING AMERICAN FLAGS IN THEIR CLAWS.  A slant-eyed Snake being chopped to bits by a buzz-saw made of stars and stripes.  A MACHINE GUN MOUNT on the passenger side.  They yell over the roaring engines.

                        DUNE BUGGY DRIVER            Where's the damn race?

                        SF!papyrus            Beats me.  We're just good patriotic            Americans like yourself.

SF!papyrus gives DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A NICE BIG GRIN.  In response, the PASSENGER #2 narrows his eyes -- tightens his grip on an automatic weapon.

                        DUNE BUGGY DRIVER                   (suspiciously)            What outfit you fellas with?

                                                          29.

                        SF!papyrus            The sporting press.  We're            friendlies.  Hired geeks.

The DRIVER and DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 exchange looks.

                        SF!papyrus            If you want a good chase, you            should get after that skunk from            CBS News up ahead in the black jeep.            He's the man responsible for that            book, THE SELLING OF THE PENTAGON.

                        DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #1            HOT DAMN!

                        DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2            A black jeep, you say?

And they ROAR away.

                        SF!papyrus            Take me back to the pits.

                        LACERDA            No, no -- we have to go on.  We            need total coverage.

SF!papyrus gets out of the Bronco.

                        SF!papyrus            You're fired.

After a moment's hesitation, LACERDA and the BRONCO driver roar away leaving SF!papyrus alone in the cloud of dust.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            It was time.  I felt, for an            Agonizing Reappraisal of the whole            scene.  The race was definitely            under way.  I had witnessed the            start; I was sure of that much.            But what now?

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT

MUSIC PUMPS OUT.  CRUISING IN THE RED SHARK IN VEGAS.  THE SKY SWIRLS WITH MILLIONS OF NEON LIGHTS CHASING EACH OTHER IN BAROQUE PATTERNS ACROSS GIGANTIC HOTEL SIGNS.  PSYCHEDELIC LIGHT SHOWS TO LURE AND DERANGE THE INNOCENT.  CITY OF LOST SOULS.

                                                          30.

                        SF!papyrus            Turn up the radio!  Turn up the            tape machine!  Roll the windows            down.  Let's taste this cool desert            wind!  Aaah, yes!  This is what            it's all about!

SF!papyrus, beer in hand, drives -- a big smile for the world. GONZO scans The Vegas Visitor.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Total control now.  Tooling along            the main drag on a Saturday night            in Vegas, two good old boys in a            fire apple red convertible...            stoned, ripped, twisted... Good            people!

                        GONZO            How about "Nickel Nick's Slot            Arcade?" "Hot Slots," that sounds            heavy.  Twenty-nine cent hotdogs...

                        SF!papyrus            Look, what are we doing here?  Are            we here to entertain ourselves, or            to do the job?

                        GONZO            To do the job, of course.  Here we            go... a Crab Louie and quart of            muscatel for twenty dollars!

The Shark hits a bump.

                        GONZO            As your attorney I advise you to            drive over to the Tropicana and            pick up on Guy Lombardo.  He's in            the Blue Room with his Royal            Canadians.

They hit another bump.

                        SF!papyrus            Why?

                        GONZO            Why what?

CUT to wide shot.  They are DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES in a large casino parking lot, bumping over the dividers.

                                                          31.

                        SF!papyrus            Why should I pay out my hard-earned            dollars to watch a fucking corpse.            I don't know about you, but in my            line of business it's important to            be Hep.

EXT. DESERT ROOM HOTEL - NIGHT

TWO BIG SCREAMING FACES.

                        DOORMAN #1            What the hell are you doing?!

                        DOORMAN #2            You can't park here!

                        SF!papyrus            Why not?  Is this not a reasonable            place to park?

Reveal the RED SHARK parked on the sidewalk in front of the Desert Inn.  TWO DOORMEN loom over the car hood.  The MARQUEE says: TONIGHT.  DEBBIE REYNOLDS.

GONZO leaps from the car, waving a five-dollar bill at the DOORMAN.

                        GONZO            We want this car parked!  We drove            all the way from L.A. for this show.            We're friends of Debbie's.

A pause, then... the DOORMAN pockets the bill, hands them a parking stub.  SF!papyrus and GONZO hurry into the hotel.

INT. DESERT FROM HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

SF!papyrus and GONZO walk through the lobby.  Black, mirrored, sleek, classy.

                        SF!papyrus            Holy shit!  They almost had us            there!  That was quick thinking.

                        GONZO            What do you expect?  I'm your            attorney.  You owe me five bucks.            I want it now.

SF!papyrus shrugs and hands over the $5.

                                                          32.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            This was Bob Hope's turf.  Frank            Sinatra's.  Spiro Agnew's.  It            seemed inappropriate to be haggling            about nickel/dime bribes for the            parking lot attendant.

A WINE-COLORED TUXEDO stops them at the entrance to the ballroom.

                        WINE-COLORED TUXEDO            Sorry, full house.

                        GONZO            Goddamnit, we drove all the way            from L.A.

                        WINE-COLORED TUXEDO            I said there are no seats left...            at any price.

                        GONZO            Fuck seats!  We're old friends of            Debbie's.  I used to romp with her.

GONZO and the WINE-COLORED TUXEDO get into an ugly arm- waving negotiation.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            After a lot of bad noise, he let us            in for nothing provided we would            stand quietly at the back and not            smoke.

As SF!papyrus and GONZO disappear through the door we can hear the orchestra blasting out a HIGHLY BLANDIZED "SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND."

A beat.

The door flies open and BOUNCERS manhandle SF!papyrus and GONZO out.  Despite the rough treatment they're both SCREECHING WITH LAUGHTER.

                        GONZO            Jesus creeping shit!

                        SF!papyrus                   (tears streaming)            Did the mescaline just kick in?  Or            was that Debbie Reynolds in a            silver Afro wig?!

                                                          33.

                        GONZO                   (in hysteria)            We wandered into a fucking time            capsule!

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT

SF!papyrus DRIVES FAST into the night.  They're both LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

                        SF!papyrus                   (in hysteria)            We wandered into a fucking time            capsule!

THEN... GONZO finds a TINY TEAR IN HIS JACKET...

                        GONZO            What's this?...

GONZO is instantly MOROSE.

                        GONZO            That scum...

GONZO twists round in the car -- SCREAMS back into the night.

                        GONZO            SCUM!  I know where you live!  I'll            find you and burn down your fucking            house!

EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS - NIGHT

A hundred foot high neon clown: BAZOOKO CIRCUS.

The RED SHARK pulls up beneath the sign.

                        SF!papyrus            This is the place.  They'll never            fuck with us here.

                        GONZO            Where's the ether?  This mescaline            isn't working.

EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT

Into the GLARING, CHASING LIGHTS of the entrance canopy steps SF!papyrus in EC/U holding a KLEENEX SOAKED IN ETHER TO HIS NOSE.

                                                          34.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Ah, devil ether.  It makes you            behave like the village drunkard in            some early Irish novel... total            loss of all basic motor skills;            blurred vision, no balance, numb            tongue --                   (throws away kleenex)            The mind recoils in horror, unable            to communicate with the spinal            column.  Which is interesting,            because you can actually watch            yourself behaving in this terrible            way, but you can't control it.

SF!papyrus and GONZO approach the entrance with elaborate care- taking one step at a time -- trying to keep ahead of the drug.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            You approach the turnstiles and            know that when you get there, you            have to give the man two dollars or            he won't let you inside... but when            you get there, everything goes wrong.

THE ETHER KICKS IN:

SF!papyrus and GONZO BOUNCE off the walls, CRASH into OLD LADIES, GIGGLE HELPLESSLY as they try to pay -- HANDS FLAPPING CRAZILY, unable to get money out of their pockets.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Some angry Rotarian shoves you and            you think: What's happening here?            What's going on?  Then you hear            yourself mumbling.

                        SF!papyrus                   (mumbling)            Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of            mine.  Watch out!... Why money?  My            name is Brinks; I was born... Born?

                        GONZO            Get sheep over side... women and            children to armored car... orders            from Captain Zeep.

The ATTENDANTS indulgently escort them through the TURNSTILES.

                                                          35.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Ether is the perfect drug for Las            Vegas.  In this town they love a            drunk.  Fresh meat.  So they put us            through the turnstiles and turned            us loose inside.

INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT

Flames shoot up from below the casino.  Above, a HIGH WIRE ACT with FOUR MUZZLED WOLVERINES, SIX NYMPHET SISTERS FROM SAN DIEGO, TWO SILVER PAINTED POLACK BROTHERS, and THREE KOREAN KITTENS.

The WOLVERINE chases a NYMPHET through the air.  TWO POLACKS swing at it from opposite sides and they are instantly locked in a death battle.

All plummet to the nets suspended over the GAMBLING TABLES and SLOT MACHINES.  No one looks up.  The GAMBLERS REMAIN INTENT ON THE SPINNING ROULETTE WHEEL, THE TURN OF THE CARD, THE ROLL OF A DICE.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Bazooko Circus is what the whole            hep world would be doing Saturday            night if the Nazis had won the war.            This was the Sixth Reich.

Something causes SF!papyrus to look down.  A dwarf carrying drinks on a tray is tugging SF!papyrus's pants leg trying to get him to move out of the way.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            A drug person can learn to cope            with things like seeing their dead            grandmother crawling up their leg            with a knife in her teeth but,            nobody should be asked to handle            this trip.

GONZO and SF!papyrus go upstairs walking past funhouse booths. One of them is manned by an orangutan in costume.  A FAIRGROUND BARKER grabs SF!papyrus.

                        FAIRGROUND BARKER            Stand in front of this fantastic            machine, my friend.  For just 99            cents your likeness will appear 200            hundred feet tall on a screen above            downtown Las Vegas.

On a TV monitor a 200 FOOT HIGH DRUNKARD looms over the Las Vegas skyline screaming OBSCENITIES.

                                                          36.

                        FAIRGROUND BARKER            99 cents more for a voice message.            Say whatever you want, fella.            They'll hear you, don't worry about            that.  Remember, you'll be 200 feet            tall!

                        ANOTHER BARKER            Step right up!  Shoot the pasties            off the nipples of this ten-foot            bull-dyke and win a cotton candy            goat!

INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT

SF!papyrus and GONZO sit on the revolving platform.  GONZO stares -- glassy eyed -- coming apart.

                        GONZO            I hate to say this, but this place            is getting to me.  I think I'm            getting The Fear.

                        SF!papyrus            Nonsense.  We came here to find the            American Dream, and now we're right            in the vortex you want to quit.            You must realize that we've found            the Main Nerve.

                        GONZO            That's what gives me The Fear.

                        SF!papyrus            Look over there.  Two women fucking            a Polar Bear.

                        GONZO            Please, don't tell me those things...            Not now.                   (signals the waitress                   for two Wild Turkeys)            This is my last drink.  How much            money can you lend me?

                        SF!papyrus            Not much.  Why?

                        GONZO            I have to go.

                        SF!papyrus            GO?

                                                          37.

                        GONZO            Yes.  Leave the country.  Tonight.

                        SF!papyrus            Calm down.  You'll be straight in a            few hours.

                        GONZO            No.  This is serious.  One more            hour in this town and I'll kill            somebody!

                        SF!papyrus            OK.  I'll lend you some money.            Let's go outside and see how much            we have left.

                        GONZO            Can we make it?

                        SF!papyrus            That depends on how many people we            fuck with between here and the door.

                        GONZO            I want to leave fast.

                        SF!papyrus            OK.  Lets pay this bill and get up            very slowly.  It's going to be a            long walk.                   (signals waitress who                   comes over)

                        GONZO                   (suddenly to waitress)            Do they pay you to screw that bear?

                        WAITRESS            What?

                        SF!papyrus            He's just kidding.                   (to GONZO)            Come on, Doc -- lets go downstairs            and gamble.

GONZO trembles with fear -- walks to the edge of the turntable.

                        GONZO            When does this thing stop?

                                                          38.

                        SF!papyrus            It won't stop.  It's not ever going            to stop.

SF!papyrus carefully steps off the turntable.

GONZO, eyes staring blindly ahead, squiting in fear and confusion, rooted to the spot, is carried away.

                        SF!papyrus            Don't move you'll come around.

SF!papyrus reaches out to grab GONZO, who jumps back -- keeps going around.

The BARTENDER narrows his eyes at them.

SF!papyrus steps onto the merry-go-round -- hurries round the bar -- approaching GONZO from the blind side and shoves GONZO from behind.  GONZO goes down with a hellish scream. SF!papyrus approaches him with his hands in the air.  Smiling.

                        SF!papyrus            You fell.  Let's go.

GONZO refuses to move and stands tense, fists clenched, looking for somebody to hit...an old woman perhaps?

                        SF!papyrus (CONT'D)            OK.  You stay here and go to jail.            I'm leaving.

SF!papyrus walks fast towards the stairs.  GONZO catches up with him.

                        GONZO            Did you see that?  Some sonofabitch            kicked me in the back.

                        SF!papyrus            Probably the bartender.  He wanted            to stomp you for what you said to            the waitress.

                        GONZO            Good God!  Let's get out of here!            Where's the elevator?

                        SF!papyrus                   (turning him in the                   opposite direction)            Don't go near that elevator.            That's just what they want us to            do... trap us in a steel box and            take us down to the basement.

                                                          39.

EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT

SF!papyrus and GONZO stumble out of the entrance.

                        SF!papyrus            Don't run.  They'd like any excuse            to shoot us.

                        GONZO                   (in an extended fall)            You drive!  I think there's            something wrong with me.

INT. MINT HOTEL CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THEIR SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus AND GONZO RUN MADLY DOWN THE CORRIDOR... SF!papyrus TAKING CARE NOT TO STEP ON THE PATTERNED PART OF THE CARPET.

GONZO STRUGGLES with the key in the lock.

                        GONZO            Those bastards have changed the            lock on us.  They probably searched            the room.  Jesus, we're finished!

The door SUDDENLY SWINGS OPEN.  SF!papyrus AND GONZO fall inside.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

                        GONZO            Bolt everything!  Use all chains!

SF!papyrus locks the door.  The suite is crowded with ROOM SERVICE GOODIES.  SF!papyrus turns to see GONZO staring at two hotel room keys.  EVERYTHING STOPS.

                        GONZO            Where did this one come from?

SF!papyrus snatches a key.

                        SF!papyrus            That's Lacerda's room.

GONZO smiles a slow smile...

                        GONZO            Yeah... I thought we might need it...

                        SF!papyrus            What for?

GONZO snatches the key back.

                                                          40.

                        GONZO            Let's go up there and blast him out            of bed with the fire hose.

                        SF!papyrus            No, we should leave the poor            bastard alone.  I get the feeling            that he's avoiding us for some            reason.

                        GONZO            Don't kid yourself.  That Portuguese            son of a bitch is dangerous.  He's            watching us like a hawk.

                        SF!papyrus            He told me he was turning in early...

GONZO utters an anguished cry -- slaps the wall with both hands.

                        GONZO            That dirty bastard!  I knew it!            He's got hold of my woman!

                        SF!papyrus                   (laughing)            That little blonde groupie with the            film crew?  You think he sodomized            her?

                        GONZO            That's right, laugh about it!  You            goddamn honkies are all the same!

GONZO SLASHES A GRAPEFRUIT with a HUGE RAZOR SHARP HUNTING KNIFE.  SF!papyrus blanches.

                        SF!papyrus            Where'd you get that knife?

GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- MANIACAL.

                        GONZO            Room service sent it up.  I wanted            something to cut the limes.

GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- INTO EIGHTHS!

                        SF!papyrus            What limes?

GONZO SLICES -- SIXTEENTHS!

                                                          41.

                        GONZO            They didn't have any.  They don't            grow in the desert.

SLICE!  SLICE!  SLICE!

                        GONZO            That dirty toad bastard!  I knew I            should have taken him out when I            had the chance.  Now he has her.

SLICE!  SLICE!  SLICE!  GONZO SLASHES INSANELY!

SF!papyrus watches -- straight-faced.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I remember the girl.  We'd had a            problem with her in the elevator a            few hours earlier: my attention had            made a fool of himself.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (FLASHBACK)

An elevator door opens to reveal the SMILING FACES OF LACERDA, THE BLONDE TV REPORTER AND HER CREW.

SF!papyrus and GONZO stagger in.

LACERDA drops his smile.  He's standing beside the BLONDE TV REPORTER.  A trembling GONZO moonily turns his eyes onto her.

                        BLONDE TV REPORTER                   (to Gonzo)            You must be a rider.  What class            are you in?

                        GONZO            Class?  What the fuck do you mean?

                        BLONDE TV REPORTER            What do you ride?  We're filming            the race for a TV series -- maybe            we can use you.

                        GONZO            Use me?

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Mother of God, I thought.  Here it            comes.

GONZO is TREMBLING BADLY.  There's a moment of uncomfortable silence.

                                                          42.

                        GONZO                   (suddenly shouting)            I ride the BIG ONES!  The really            BIG fuckers!

GONZO shows his teeth to LACERDA.  SF!papyrus laughs trying to defuse the scene.

                        SF!papyrus            The Vincent Black Shadow.  We're            with the Factory Team.

                        TV CAMERAMAN            Bullshit.

GONZO stills -- becomes dangerous -- zeros in on the TV CAMERAMAN -- groin to groin...

                        GONZO            Wait a minute, pardon me lady, but            I think there's some kind of            ignorant chicken-sucker in this car            who needs his face cut open.  You            cheap honky faggots!  Which one of            you wants to get cut?!

DEAD SILENCE.

Ding!  The elevator door opens, but nobody moves.  The door closes.

Next floor.  Ding!  The door opens again.  A middle-aged couple start to get in.  Change their minds.  The door closes.

INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

SF!papyrus and GONZO run down the corridor.  GONZO LAUGHS WILDLY.

                        GONZO            Spooked!  They were spooked!  Like            rats in a death cage!

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAY

SF!papyrus and GONZO CRASH into their hotel suite -- BOLT THE DOOR. GONZO stops laughing.

                        GONZO            Goddamn.  It's serious now.  That            girl understood.  She fell in love            with me.

END FLASHBACK.

                                                          43.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SLICE!  SLICE!  SLICE!  GONZO with the BIG HUNTING KNIFE -- sliced grapefruit segments everywhere.

                        GONZO            Let's go up there and castrate that            fucker!

GONZO pauses -- A MAD THOUGHT -- turns to SF!papyrus.

                        GONZO                   (squinting suspiciously)            Have you made a deal with him?  Did            you put him on to her?

                        SF!papyrus                   (backing slowly                   towards the door)            Look you better put that blade away            and get your head straight.  I have            to put the car in the lot.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            One of the things you learn, after            years of dealing with drug people,            is that you can turn your back on a            person, but never turn your back on            a drug.  Especially when it's            waving a razor-sharp hunting knife            in your eyes.

INT. CASINO/LOBBY MINT HOTEL

The MAGAZINE REPORTER is on the telephone.

                        MAGAZINE REPORTER            Las Vegas at dawn.  The racers are            still asleep, the dust is still on            the desert, fifty thousand dollars            in prize money, slumbers darkly in            the office safe at Del Webb's            fabulous Mint Hotel...

SF!papyrus walks past the REPORTER -- into THE CASINO, THE SAD, MEAGRE CROWDS AROUND THE CRAP TABLES.  No joy.  SF!papyrus watches.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Who are these people?  These faces!            Where do they come from?  They look            like caricatures of used car            dealers from Dallas.                         (MORE)

                                                          44.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O; CONT'D)            And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell            of a lot of them at four-thirty on            a Monday morning.  Still humping            the American dream, that vision of            the big winner somehow emerging            from the last minute predawn chaos            of a stale Vegas casino.

SF!papyrus stops at the Money Wheel, puts down a two dollar bill on a number, the wheel turns, he loses.

                        SF!papyrus            You bastards!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            No.  Calm down.  Learn to ENJOY            losing.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus walks back into the room.  We hear the LOUD STRAINS OF THREE DOG NIGHT'S "JOY TO THE WORLD."

He walks to the bathroom and opens the door.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE BATHROOM - NIGHT

Submerged in green water, GONZO WALLOWS in the steaming tub. Soap labels and grapefruit rinds float on the surface.  A large empty pack of Neutrogena soap lies on the floor.  The shower is on -- the tub overflowing.  THE TAPE RECORDER PLAYS, from where it's plugged into the razor socket over the sink.

SF!papyrus turns off the shower -- notices a HUGE HUNK OF CHEWED UP WHITE BLOTTER.

                        SF!papyrus            You ate ALL THIS ACID?

No answer.

                        SF!papyrus                   (turning down the volume)            You evil son of a bitch.  You            better hope there's some Thorazine            in that bag, because if there's            not, you're in bad trouble.

                        GONZO            Music!  Turn it up.  Put that tape            on.

                                                          45.

                        SF!papyrus            What tape?

                        GONZO            Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit."            I want a rising sound.

                        SF!papyrus            You're doomed.  I'm leaving here in            two hours and then they're going to            come up here and beat the mortal            shit out of you with big saps.            Right there in that tub.

                        GONZO            I dig my own graves.  Green water            and the White Rabbit.  Put it on.

                        SF!papyrus            OK.  But do me one last favor, will            you.  Can you give me two hours?            That's all I ask -- just two hours            to sleep before tomorrow.  I            suspect it's going to be a very            difficult day.

He switches on the tape. "WHITE RABBIT" begins to build.

                        GONZO                   (coolly)            Of course, I'm your attorney, I'll            give you all the time you need, at            my normal rates: $45 an hour -- but            you'll be wanting a cushion, so,            why don't you just lay one of those            $100 bills down there beside the            radio, and fuck off?

                        SF!papyrus            How about a check?

                        GONZO            Whatever's right.

SF!papyrus moves the radio as far from the tub as he can and leaves, closing the door behind him.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus goes across to the sofa and crashes -- exhausted. Suddenly a great ripping and crashing noise in the bathroom.

                        GONZO (V/O)            Help!  You bastard!  I need help!

                                                          46.

SF!papyrus JUMPS up -- crosses to the bathroom door, muttering.

                        SF!papyrus            Shit, he's killing himself!

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

SF!papyrus RUSHES IN.  GONZO flails -- trying to reach the radio with the shower curtain pole which he has ripped from its mounts.

                        GONZO                   (snarling)            I want that fucking radio!

SF!papyrus GRABS THE RADIO.

                        SF!papyrus            Don't touch it!  Get back in that            tub!

                        GONZO            Back the tape up.  I need it again!            Let it roll!  Just as high as the            fucker can go!  And when it comes            to that fantastic note where the            rabbit bites its own head off, I            want you to THROW THAT FUCKING            RADIO INTO THE TUB WITH ME!

SF!papyrus stares down at GONZO.

                        SF!papyrus            Not me.  It would blast you through            the wall -- stone dead in ten            seconds and they'd make me explain            it!

                        GONZO            BULLSHIT!  Don't make me use this.

HIS ARM LASHES OUT OF THE WATER, HOLDING THE KNIFE.

                        SF!papyrus            Jesus.

                        GONZO            Do it!  I want to get HIGHER!

SF!papyrus considers this.  He's had enough.

                                                          47.

                        SF!papyrus            Okay.  You're right.  This is            probably the only solution.                   (holds the PLUGGED IN                   TAPE/RADIO over the tub)            Let me make sure I have it all            lined up.  You want me to throw            this thing into the tub when "WHITE            RABBIT" peaks.  Is that it?

GONZO falls back into the water, smiling gratefully.

                        GONZO            Fuck yes.  I was beginning to think            I was going to have to go out and            get one of the goddamn maids to do            it.

                        SF!papyrus            Are you ready?

He switches "WHITE RABBIT" back on.  GONZO HOWLS AND MOANS AND THRASHES TO THE MUSIC, straining to get over the top.

Meanwhile, SF!papyrus picks up a grapefruit from the sink -- a good two-pounder, he gets a grip on it... and when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks... HE HURLS IT INTO THE TUB LIKE A CANNONBALL.

GONZO SCREAMS CRAZILY, THRASHING AND CHURNING -- CAUSING A TIDAL WAVE.

SF!papyrus JERKS THE RADIO CABLE OUT OF THE SOCKET -- SLAMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus slumps onto the sofa.

SILENCE.

GONZO RIPS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR, his eyes unfocused.  HE WAVES THE RAZOR SHARP BLADE out in front of him -- LUNGES at SF!papyrus.  SF!papyrus WHIPS OUT A CAN OF MACE.

                        SF!papyrus            MACE!  YOU WANT THIS?

GONZO stops -- hisses.

                        GONZO            You bastard!  You'd do that,            wouldn't you?

                                                          48.

                        SF!papyrus                   (laughs)            Why worry?  You'll like it.  Nothing            in the world like a Mace high.            Forty-five minutes on your knees            with the dry heaves...

                        GONZO            You cheap honky sonofabitch...

                        SF!papyrus            Why not?  Hell, just a minute ago,            you were asking me to kill you!            And now you want to kill me!  What            I should do, goddamnit, is call the            police!

                        GONZO            The cops?

                        SF!papyrus            There's no choice.  I wouldn't dare            go to sleep with you wandering            around with a head full of acid and            wanting to slice me up with that            goddamn knife!

                        GONZO                   (mumbles)            Who said anything about slicing you            up?  I just wanted to carve a            little Z on your forehead.  Nothing            serious.

GONZO shrugs and reaches for a cigarette on top of the TV set.

                        SF!papyrus                   (menaces him with the MACE)            Get back in that tub.  Eat some            reds and try to calm down.  Smoke            some grass, shoot some smack --            shit, do whatever you have to do,            but let me get some rest.

GONZO turns toward the bathroom -- suddenly sad.

                        GONZO            Hell, yes.  You really need some            sleep.  You have to work.  Goddamn.            What a bummer.  Try to rest.  Don't            let me keep you up.

                                                          49.

GONZO shuffles back into the bathroom.  SF!papyrus wedges a chair up against the bathroom doorknob and puts the mace can next to the clock.

SF!papyrus turns on the TV.  WHITE NOISE FILLS THE ROOM.  He collapses onto the sofa and lights up his lightbulb as pipe.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Ignore the nightmare in the bathroom.            Just another ugly refugee from the            Love Generation.

The WHITE NOISE snow storm on the TV is reflected in his face.  The camera pulls back revealing THE ENTIRE WALL BEHIND HIM TO BE SWIRLING WITH THE FIZZING SNOWSTORM PATTERN.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            My attorney had never been able to            accept the notion -- often espoused            by former drug abusers -- that you            can get a lot higher without drugs            than with them.  And neither have            I, for that matter.

The pattern on the wall changes to A 60'S VISCOUS OIL LIGHTSHOW PATTERN.  With SF!papyrus still sitting in the foreground, the projected image widens to reveal the interior of A HAIGHT ASHBURY DANCE HALL full of DANCING PROTO-HIPPIES.

INT. MATRIX CLUB - NIGHT

A slightly YOUNGER SF!papyrus moves through the throng.  All the action is in a DREAMLIKE SLOW-MOTION.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I recall one night in the Matrix.            There I was -- a victim of the Drug            Explosion.  A natural street freak,            just eating whatever came by.

A ROAD-PERSON with a big pack on his back is shouting.  The sound of his voice, like his movements, is in slow-motion.

                        ROAD-PERSON            Anybody want some L...S...D...?  I            got all the makin's right here.            All I need is a place to cook.

The camera pushes right into the ROAD-PERSON's mouth.

INT. MATRIX MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Still in slow motion, the YOUNGER SF!papyrus is trying to eat a HUGE SPANSULE OF ACID.  With difficulty.

                                                          50.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I decided to eat only half at first.            Good thinking.  But I spilled the            rest on the sleeve of my red            Pendleton shirt.

SF!papyrus stares at his sleeve, uncertain what to do.  C/U of the door to the men's room as a MUSICIAN enters speaking in slow-motion.

                        MUSICIAN            What's the trouble?

                        SF!papyrus                   (also in slow-motion)            Well, all this white stuff on my            sleeve is LSD.

The MUSICIAN approaches and looks down at SF!papyrus'S arm.  A long pause.

Cut back to tight shot of door as it opens and a very clean- cut, PREPPY, STOCKBROKER TYPE enters.  He freezes in horror. We cut to his POV.  SF!papyrus is standing in the middle of the men's room with the MUSICIAN hunkered down at his side... sucking on his sleeve.  A very gross tableau.  The STOCKBROKER slowly eases out of the room.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            With a bit of luck his life was            ruined -- forever thinking that            just behind some narrow door in all            his favorite bars, men in red            Pendleton shirts are getting            incredible kicks from things he'll            never know.

INT. A BAR - YEARS LATER - NIGHT

The STOCKBROKER LOOKING CONSIDERABLY OLDER sits looking lost, confused, a nervous wreck.  The image flares out in a TV white noise snowstorm.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus sits staring at the TV.

                                                          51.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Strange memories on this nervous            night in Las Vegas.                   (he gets up, pours                   himself a drink)            Has it been five years?  Six?  It            seems like a lifetime -- the kind            of peak that never comes again.            San Francisco in the middle sixties            was a very special time and place            to be a part of.  But no            explanation, no mix of words or            music or memories can touch that            sense of knowing that you were            there and alive in that corner of            time and the world.  Whatever it            meant.

SF!papyrus throws open the curtains.  Light streams in.

EXT. 1965 STOCK FOOTAGE

We are in SAN FRANCISCO.  IMAGES OF THE TIME FLOOD IN.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            THERE WAS MADNESS IN ANY DIRECTION,            AT ANY HOUR... YOU COULD STRIKE            SPARKS ANYWHERE.  THERE WAS A            FANTASTIC UNIVERSAL SENSE THAT            WHATEVER WE WERE DOING WAS RIGHT,            THAT WE WERE WINNING.  AND THAT, I            THINK, WAS THE HANDLE -- THAT SENSE            OF INEVITABLE VICTORY OVER THE            FORCES OF OLD AND EVIL.  NOT IN ANY            MEAN OR MILITARY SENSE; WE DIDN'T            NEED THAT.  OUR ENERGY WOULD SIMPLY            prevail.  We had all the momentum;            we were riding the crest of a high            and beautiful wave...

SF!papyrus'S FACE IS SUFFUSED WITH A SADNESS AND SERENITY WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            So now, less than five years later,            you can go up on a steep hill in            Las Vegas and look west, and with            the right kind of eyes you can            almost see the high water mark --            that place where the wave finally            broke and rolled back.

                                                          52.

The memories dissolve into the night skyline of Vegas. Suddenly towering over the casinos is a 200 foot high Nazi shouting "WOODSTOCK ÜBER ALLES!"

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus closes the curtain.  The room is in darkness again.

INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAWN

A harsh door buzzer.  SF!papyrus jerks awake.  Alone.  Looking like shit.  Around him is the wreckage of their stay.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The decision to flee came suddenly.            Or maybe not.

SF!papyrus opens the door to a BELL BOY with a trolley load of fruit, drinks and flowers... and a smile.

                        BELL BOY            Room service!

The BELL BOY wheels the trolley across the room -- already stacked with EVEN MORE BOXES OF GOODIES.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Maybe I'd planned it all along --            subconsciously waiting for the            right moment.  The bill was a            factor, I think.  Because I had no            money to pay for it.

SF!papyrus slams the door -- starts FRANTICALLY PACKING.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Our room service tabs had been            running somewhere between $29 and            $36 per hour, for forty-eight            consecutive hours.  Incredible.            How could it happen?

SF!papyrus sees the DISCARDED WRAPPINGS OF EXPENSIVE, HAND TOOLED LUGGAGE.  A sudden thought.  He rushes to GONZO's room -- empty.  His plastic briefcase remains on the bed...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            But by the time I asked this            question, there was no one around            to answer.

SF!papyrus opens the briefcase -- finds the .357 MAGNUM inside.

                                                          53.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            My attorney was gone.  He must have            sensed trouble.

                                           QUICK CUT TO:

EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - DAY

GONZO WAVES GOODBYE as he boards an airplane with a set of brand-new fine cowhide luggage.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Panic.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HOTEL SUITE - DAY

SF!papyrus emerges with his bag and Gonzo's plastic briefcase -- leaves the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door -- checks both ways, then hurries away down the corridor.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            It crept up my spine like first            rising vibes of an acid frenzy.            All these horrible realities began            to dawn on me.

INT. MINT HOTEL ELEVATOR - DAY

An anxiety ridden SF!papyrus watches the floor numbers as the elevator descends.  He searches his pockets...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Here I was, alone in Las Vegas,            with this goddamned incredibly            expensive car, completely twisted            on drugs, no cash, no story for the            magazine.  And on top of everything            else I had a gigantic goddamn hotel            bill to deal with.

SF!papyrus finds a last crumpled $5 bill.

The door opens.  A SECURITY GUARD enters with an OLD LADY IN HANDCUFFS.

SF!papyrus hides the bill -- crams back into the corner.  Doors close.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I didn't even know who had won the            race.  Maybe nobody.

                                                          54.

INT. MINT HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

SF!papyrus hurries out of the elevator -- eyes on a hovering MANAGER.  Past the curious look of the reception CLERK.

                        SF!papyrus                   (muttering to himself)            How would Horatio Alger have            handled this situation?

EXT. MINT HOTEL - DAY

Motoring, SF!papyrus gives his $5 bill to the HOTEL FRONT DOORMAN with a smile.  The DOORMAN blows a frantic whistle and waves at the CAR BOY.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Stay calm.  Stay calm.  I'm a            relatively respectable citizen -- a            multiple felon, perhaps, but            certainly not dangerous.

The CAR BOY pulls up with a screech.  SF!papyrus jumps in.  The back seat is stacked with bars of Neutrogena, piles of Mint 400 t-shirts, boxes of grapefruit.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            Luckily, I had taken the soap and            grapefruit and other luggage out to            the car a few hours earlier.  Now            it was only a matter of slipping            the noose...

SF!papyrus shifts into drive.  Deliverance!

                        CLERK'S VOICE            MR. SF!papyrus!

SF!papyrus freezes.

                        CLERK'S VOICE            Mr. SF!papyrus!  We've been looking for            you!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The game was up!  They had me.

                        SF!papyrus                   (to himself)            Well, why not?  Many fine books            have been written in prison.

                                                          55.

Resigned, SF!papyrus turns off the ignition.  A young CLERK arrives breathlessly with a smile and a YELLOW LETTER IN HIS HAND.

                        CLERK            Sir?                   (thrusts out a TELEGRAM)            This telegram came for you.            Actually, it isn't for you.  It's            for somebody named Thompson, but it            says 'care of Papyrus'.  does            that make sense?

                        SF!papyrus                   (barely able to speak)            Yes... It makes sense.

SF!papyrus stuffs the telegram into his top pocket.

The CLERK peers into the car -- sees part of the enormous stash inside.

                        CLERK            I checked the register for this man            Thompson.  We don't show him but I            figured he might be part of your            team.

                        SF!papyrus            He is.  Don't worry, I'll get it to            him.

He fires up the engine -- eases the RED SHARK into low gear.

SECURITY GUARDS are looking across -- sharing a quiet word or two.

                        CLERK            What confused us was Dr. Gonzo's            signature on the telegram from Los            Angeles.  When we knew he was right            here in the hotel.

                        SF!papyrus            You did the right thing.  Never try            to understand a press message.            About half the time we use codes --            especially with Dr. Gonzo.

                        CLERK            Tell me.  When will the doctor be            awake?

                                                          56.

                        SF!papyrus                   (tenses)            Awake?  What do you mean?

SF!papyrus's eyes are on the SECURITY GUARDS -- moving closer.

                        CLERK                   (uncomfortably)            Well... the manager, Mr. Heem,            would like to meet him.  Nothing            unusual.  Mr. Heem likes to meet            all our large accounts... put them            on a personal basis... just a chat            and a handshake, you understand.

                        SF!papyrus            Of course.  But if I were you, I'd            leave the Doctor alone until after            he's eaten breakfast.  He's a very            crude man.

SF!papyrus edges the car forward, but is stopped by the CLERK.

                        CLERK            But he will be available?  Perhaps            later this morning?

                        SF!papyrus            Look.  That telegram was all            scrambled.  It was actually from            Thompson, not to him.  Western            Union must have gotten the names            reversed.  I have to get going.  I            have to get out to the track.

                        CLERK            There's no hurry!  The race is over!

                        SF!papyrus                   (taking off)            Not for me.

He waves the CLERK off the car -- roars away.

                        CLERK            Let's have lunch!

                        SF!papyrus            Righto!

EXT. ROAD OUT OF VEGAS - DAY

SF!papyrus drives the RED SHARK out of Vegas.

                                                          57.

A "YOU ARE LEAVING LAS VEGAS" sign flashes past.

Bob Dylan plays: "Memphis Blues Again -- "Aaww, Mama, can this really by the end...?"

A sign: LOS ANGELES -- 400 miles.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Jesus, bad waves of paranoia,            madness, fear and loathing --            intolerable vibrations in this            place.  Get out!  The weasels were            closing in.  I could smell the ugly            brutes.  Flee!

SF!papyrus drives fast.

                        SF!papyrus            Do me one last favor Lord: just            give me five more high-speed hours            before you bring the hammer down;            just let me get rid of this goddamn            car and off of this horrible desert.

A sign flashes "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE."

A patrol car pulls out behind him, lights flashing.

                        SF!papyrus (CONT'D)            You evil bastard!  This is your            work!  You'd better take care of            me, Lord... because if you don't            you're going to have me on your            hands.

The patrol car screams after the RED SHARK.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Few people understand the psychology            of dealing with a Highway Traffic            Cop.  Your normal speeder will            panic and immediately pull over to            the side.  This is wrong.

SF!papyrus floors the gas pedal.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            It arouses contempt in the cop heart.

THE SPEEDOMETER CLIMBS STEADILY.

                                                          58.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Make the bastard chase you.  He            will follow.  But he won't know            what to make of your blinker signal            that says you're about to turn right.

SF!papyrus signals right.  The RED SHARK screams at 120 mph.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            This is to let him know you're            looking for a proper place to pull            off and talk.

AN EXIT OFF RAMP: MAX SPEED 25.

SF!papyrus hits the brakes.  The COP brakes.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            It will take him a moment to            realize that he is about to make            180 degree turn at speed... but you            will be ready for it, braced for            the G's and the fast heel toe work.

The patrol car spins and fishtails crazily out of control.

EXT. SCENIC PICNIC AREA - DAY

The patrol car comes skidding around the corner.  SF!papyrus stands beside the RED SHARK, completely relaxed and smiling.

The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gets out of the car, screaming.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            Just what the FUCK did you think            you were doing?!

SF!papyrus smiles.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            May I see your license.

                        SF!papyrus            Of course, officer.

SF!papyrus reaches for it.  And BOTH MEN look down at a beer can -- which SF!papyrus had, somehow, forgotten was in his hand.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I knew I was fucked.

The COP relaxes -- actually smiles... He reaches out for SF!papyrus's wallet, then holds out his other hand for the beer.

                                                          59.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            Could I have that, please?

                        SF!papyrus            Why not?  It was getting warm anyway.

The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN takes it, pours out the beer -- glances in the back seat of the RED SHARK.  Amongst the bars of soap... A case of warm beer.  SF!papyrus smiles back at him.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            You realize...

                        SF!papyrus            Yeah.  I know.  I'm guilty.  I            understand that.  I knew it was a            crime but I did it anyway.  Shit,            why argue?  I'm a fucking criminal.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            That's a strange attitude.

He looks at SF!papyrus thoughtfully.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            You know -- I get the feeling you            could use a nap.  There's a rest            area up ahead.  Why don't you pull            over and sleep a few hours?

                        SF!papyrus            A nap won't help.  I've been awake            for too long -- three or four            nights.  I can't even remember.  If            I go to sleep now, I'm dead for            twenty hours.

The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN smiles.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            Okay.  Here's how it is.  What goes            into my book, as of noon, is that I            apprehended you... for driving too            fast, and advised you to proceed no            further than the next rest area...            your stated destination, right?            Where you plan to take a long nap.            Do I make myself clear?

                        SF!papyrus            How far is Baker?  I was hoping to            stop there for lunch.

                                                          60.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            Not my jurisdiction.  The city            limits are two point two miles            beyond the rest area.  Can you make            it that far?

                        SF!papyrus            I'll try.  I've been wanting to go            to Baker for a long time.  I've            heard a lot about it.

The PATROLMAN holds the door for SF!papyrus who gets in.

                        HIGHWAY PATROLMAN            Excellent seafood.  With a mind            like yours, you'll probably want to            try the land-crab.  Try the Majestic            Diner.

The PATROLMAN slams the door shut.

EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY

SF!papyrus drives away -- teeth gritted.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I felt raped.  The Pig had done me            on all fronts, and now he was going            off to chuckle about it -- on the            west side of town, waiting for me            to make a run for L.A.

SF!papyrus drives past the rest area to an intersection where he signals to turn right into Baker.  As he approaches the turn he sees the HITCHHIKER!  As SF!papyrus slows to make the turn their eyes meet.  SF!papyrus is about to wave -- but the HITCHHIKER drops his thumb.

                        SF!papyrus            Great Jesus, it's him.

SF!papyrus, spooked, SPINS THE RED SHARK round -- ROARS BACK THE WAY HE CAME.

EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY

SF!papyrus on the public phone booth -- screaming.

                        SF!papyrus            They've nailed me!  I'm trapped in            some stinking desert crossroads            called Baker.  I don't have much            time.  The fuckers are closing in.            They'll hunt me down like a beast!

                                                          61.

INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY

GONZO sits surrounded by legal papers and law books.  Mexican Day of the Dead masks hang from the walls -- flame-red demons.

                        GONZO            Who?  You sound a little paranoid.

EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY

SF!papyrus screams -- sweat pouring.

                        SF!papyrus            You bastard!  I need a lawyer            immediately!

INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY

                        GONZO            What are you doing in Baker?            Didn't you get my telegram?

EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY

                        SF!papyrus            What?  Fuck telegrams.  I'm in            trouble.  You worthless bastard.            I'll cripple your ass for this!            All that shit in the car is yours!            You understand that?  When I finish            testifying out here you'll be            disbarred!

INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY

                        GONZO            You're supposed to be in Vegas.  We            have a suite at the Flamingo.  I            was just about to leave for the            airport.

INT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY

SF!papyrus pulls out the telegram from his top pocket.

                        GONZO'S VOICE            You brainless scumbag!  You're            supposed to be covering the National            District Attorney's conference!  I            made all the reservations... rented            a white Cadillac convertible... the            whole thing is arranged!  What the            hell are you doing out there in the            middle of the fucking desert?

                                                          62.

SF!papyrus stares at the telegram.

                        SF!papyrus            Never mind.  It's all a big joke.            I'm actually sitting beside the            pool at the Flamingo.  I'm talking            from a portable phone.  Some dwarf            brought it out from the casino.  I            have total credit!  Can you grasp            that?                   (shouts)            Don't come anywhere near this place!            Foreigners aren't welcome here!

SF!papyrus, breathing heavily, hangs up phone.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

C/U of .357 Magnum cylinder being spun.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Well.  This is how the world works.

C/U An IGUANA basks in the sun.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            All energy flows according to the            whims of the Great Magnet.

C/U Barrel of the gun.  It fires.  An explosion of desert dirt.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            What a fool I was to defy Him.

The IGUANA sits unfazed.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Never cross the Great Magnet.  I            understood this now...                   (another blast from                   the gun)            ... and with understanding came a            sense of almost terminal relief.

SF!papyrus stands alone in the vast desert firing at nothing, the thuds of the explosions echo away.

EXT. ROAD INTO VEGAS - DAY

The RED SHARK driving back towards Las Vegas.

                                                          63.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I had to get rid of The Shark.  Too            many people might recognize it...            ...especially the Vegas Police.                   (tight C/U of SF!papyrus)            Luckily, my credit card was still            technically valid.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

SF!papyrus, now driving a white Cadillac Coupe de Ville -- THE WHITE WHALE.

SF!papyrus pushes buttons -- lowers the top.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            This was a superior machine -- ten            grand worth of gimmicks and high            price special effects.  The rear            windows leapt up with a touch like            frogs in a dynamited pond.  The            dashboard was full of esoteric            lights and dials and meters that I            would never understand.

EXT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - AFTERNOON

A GIANT SIGN: THE FLAMINGO WELCOMES THE NATIONAL DA'S CONFERENCE ON NARCOTICS & DANGEROUS DRUGS.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            If the Pigs were gathering in            Vegas, I felt the Drug Culture            should be represented as well...            and there was a certain bent appeal            in the notion of running a savage            burn on one Las Vegas hotel and            then just wheeling across town and            checking into another.

The WHITE WHALE turns into a VIP parking slot, immediately attended by impressed MINIONS.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Me and a thousand ranking cops from            all over America.  Why not?  Move            confidently into their midst.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL LOBBY - AFTERNOON

SF!papyrus enters -- old Levis, grubby sneakers, 10 peso Acapulco shirt coming apart at the seams, 3 day growth, eyes hidden behind mirror shades.  He heads for the check-in line.

                                                          64.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            My arrival was badly timed.

THE PLACE IS FULL OF COPS.  200 of them, on vacation, all dressed in cut price Vegas casuals: plaid Bermuda shorts, Arnie Palmer golf shirts, and rubberized beach sandals.

Ahead of SF!papyrus -- A POLICE CHIEF argues with the DESK CLERK. The POLICE CHIEF'S AGNEW STYLE WIFE stands to the side, weeping.  The POLICE CHIEF'S FRIENDS stand uneasily around.

                        POLICE CHIEF            What do you mean I'm too late to            register?  I'm a police chief.            From Michigan.  Look, fella, I told            you.                   (waves a POSTCARD)            I have a postcard here that says I            have reservations in this hotel.

                        CLERK                   (prissily)            I'm sorry, sir.  You're on the            "late list." Your reservations were            transferred to the... ah...            Moonlight Motel, which is out on            Paradise Boulevard...

                        POLICE CHIEF            I've already paid for my goddamn            room!

                        CLERK            It's actually a very fine place of            lodging and only sixteen blocks            from here, with its own pool and...

                        POLICE CHIEF            You dirty little faggot!  Call the            manager!  I'm tired of listening to            this dogshit!

FRIENDS restrain the POLICE CHIEF.

                        CLERK                   (solicitously)            I'm so sorry, sir.  May I call you            a cab?

The POLICE CHIEF's screamed insults fade away...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Of course, I could hear what the            Clerk was really saying...

                                                          65.

                        CLERK                   (IN SF!papyrus'S IMAGINATION)            Listen, you fuzzy little shithead --            I've been fucked around, in my            time, by a fairly good cross-            section of mean-tempered rule-crazy            cops and now it's MY turn. "Fuck            you, officer, I'm in charge here,            and I'm telling you we don't have            room for you."

SF!papyrus steps to the desk, around the raging POLICE CHIEF.

                        SF!papyrus            Say.  I hate to interrupt, but I            wonder if maybe I could just sort            of slide through and get out of            your way.  Name's Papyrus --            Papyrus.  My attorney made the            reservation.

SF!papyrus snaps a credit card down onto the counter.  EVERYONE goes silent.  The POLICE CHIEF GROUP stares at him like he was some kid of water rat crawling up to the desk.  The CLERK hits the bell for the BELLBOY.

                        CLERK            Certainly, Mr. SF!papyrus!

                        SF!papyrus            My bags are out there in that white            Cadillac convertible.  Can you have            someone drive it around to the room?

ALL EYES turn to the gleaming WHITE WHALE.

                        SF!papyrus            Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild            Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and            a night's worth of ice delivered to            my room, please?

                        CLERK            Don't worry about a thing, sir.            Just enjoy your stay.

                        SF!papyrus            Well, thank you.

SF!papyrus gives the POLICE CHIEF a polite smile -- crosses to the elevator -- turns to face the GAWPING COPS -- pops a can of beer and toasts them.  The doors close.

                                                          66.

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY

SF!papyrus rams the key home -- swings the door open.

                        SF!papyrus            Ah, home at last!

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - AFTERNOON

SF!papyrus enters.  The door hits something with a thud.

A 16-year-old GIRL with the aura of an angry Pit Bull.

GONZO stands in the bathroom doorway -- stark naked with a drug-addled grin on his face.

                        SF!papyrus            You degenerate pig!

                        GONZO            It can't be helped.  This is Lucy.                   (laughing distractedly)            You know--like "Lucy In The Sky            With Diamonds."

LUCY eyes SF!papyrus venomously.

                        GONZO            Lucy!  Lucy, be cool, goddamnit!            Remember what happened at the            airport!  No more of that, okay?

LUCY keeps her eyes on SF!papyrus.  GONZO idles over and puts his arm round her shoulder.

                        GONZO            Lucy... this is my client.  This is            Mr. SF!papyrus, the famous journalist.            He's paying for this suite, Lucy.            He's on our side.

SF!papyrus flops onto the sofa.

                        GONZO            Mr. SF!papyrus is my friend.  He loves            artists.

SF!papyrus notices for the first time that the room is full of artwork.  Maybe 40 or 50 portraits, some in oil, some in charcoal, all more or less the same size and same face.

                        GONZO            Lucy paints portraits of Barbra            Streisand.

                                                          67.

                        LUCY            I drew these from TV.

                        GONZO            Fantastic.  She came all the way            down here from Montana just to give            these portraits to Barbra.  We're            going over to the Americana Hotel            tonight to meet her backstage...

SF!papyrus's voice rises above GONZO.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I desperately needed peace, rest,            sanctuary.  I hadn't counted on            this.  Finding my attorney on acid            and locked into some kind of            preternatural courtship.

                        SF!papyrus            Well, I guess they brought the car            round by now.  LET'S GET THE STUFF            OUT OF THE TRUNK.

SF!papyrus fixes GONZO hard.

                        GONZO            Absolutely, LET'S GET THE STUFF.                   (to LUCY)            Now, we'll be right back.  Don't            answer the phone if it rings.

                        LUCY                   (makes one-fingered                   Jesus freak sign)            God bless.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY

SF!papyrus collars GONZO -- serious.

                        SF!papyrus            WELL?  What are your plans?

                        GONZO            Plans?

                        SF!papyrus            Lucy.

                                                          68.

                        GONZO                   (struggling to focus)            Shit.  I met her on the plane and I            had all that acid.                   (he shrugs)            You know, those little blue barrels.            I gave her a cap before I realized...            she's a religious freak... Jesus,            she's never even had a drink.

                        SF!papyrus            Well... It'll probably work out.            We can keep her loaded and peddle            her ass at the drug convention.

GONZO stares uneasily at SF!papyrus.

                        GONZO            Listen, she's running away from            home for something like the fifth            time in six months.  It's terrible.

                        SF!papyrus            She's perfect for this gig.  These            cops will go fifty bucks a head to            beat her into submission and then            gang fuck her.  We can set her up            in one of these back street motels,            hang pictures of Jesus all over the            room, then turn these pigs loose on            her... Hell she's strong; she'll            hold her own.

GONZO's face twitches badly.

                        GONZO            Jesus Christ.  I knew you were sick            but I never expected to hear you            actually say that kind of stuff.

                        SF!papyrus            It's straight economics.  This girl            is a god-send.  Shit, she can make            us a grand a day.

                        GONZO            NO!  Stop talking like that.

                        SF!papyrus            I figure she can do about four at a            time.  Christ, if we keep her full            of acid that's more like two grand            a day.  Maybe three.

                                                          69.

                        GONZO            You filthy bastard.  I should cave            your fucking head in.

                        SF!papyrus            In a few hours, she'll probably be            sane enough to work herself into a            towering Jesus-based rage at the            hazy recollection of being seduced            by some kind of cruel Samoan who            fed her liquor and LSD, dragged her            to a Vegas hotel room and savagely            penetrated every orifice in her            body with his throbbing,            uncircumcised member.

GONZO starts crying.

                        GONZO            NO!  I felt sorry for the girl, I            wanted to help her!

                        SF!papyrus            You'll go straight to the gas            chamber.  And even if you manage to            beat that, they'll send you back to            Nevada for Rape and Consensual            Sodomy.  She's got to go.

Pause.

                        GONZO            Shit, it doesn't pay to try to help            somebody these days.

A silence.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The only alternative was to take            her out to the desert and feed her            remains to the lizards.  But, it            seemed a bit heavy for the thing we            were trying to protect: My attorney.

                        GONZO            We have to cut her loose.  She's            got two hundred dollars.  And we            can always call the cops up there            in Montana, where she lives, and            turn her in.

                        SF!papyrus            What?... What kind of goddamn            monster are you?

                                                          70.

                        GONZO            It just occurred to me, that she            has no witnesses.  Anything that            she says about us is completely            worthless.

                        SF!papyrus            Us?

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - SUNSET

SF!papyrus is speaking into the phone in hushed tones.

                        SF!papyrus            Hotel Americana?  I need a            reservation.  For my niece.  Listen,            I need her treated very gently.            She's an artist, and might seem a            trifle highstrung...

In the background GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings out the door.

                        GONZO            Okay, Lucy, it's time to go meet            Barbra...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I felt like a Nazi, but it had to            be done.

EXT. ON THE STREETS - A CAB STAND - DUSK

The WHITE WHALE pulls up -- SF!papyrus at the wheel.  GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings from the car.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Lucy was a potentially fatal            millstone on both our necks.  There            was absolutely no choice but to cut            her adrift and hope her memory was            fucked.

GONZO unrolls a couple of bills -- pays off a CAB DRIVER -- waves to LUCY in the back with her paintings.  She's starting to come down...

GONZO gets back in the WHITE WHALE and slaps his hands together as if washing his hands of the situation.

                        GONZO            Well that's that.  Take off slowly.            Don't attract attention.

                                                          71.

They pull out into traffic.

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - DUSK

                        GONZO            I gave the cabbie an extra ten            bucks to make sure she gets there            safe.  Also, I told him I'd be            there myself in an hour, and if she            wasn't, I'd come back out here and            rip his lungs out.

                        SF!papyrus            That's good.  You can't be subtle            in this town.

                        GONZO            As your attorney, I advise you to            tell me where you put the goddamn            mescaline.

                        SF!papyrus            Maybe we should take it easy tonight.

                        GONZO            Right.  Let's find a good seafood            restaurant and eat some red salmon.            I feel a powerful lust for red            salmon...

The electric WHITE WHALE heads off down the Strip.  The sun's going down behind the scrub hills, a good Kristofferson tune croaks on the radio in the warm dusk.

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - BATHROOM - NEXT MORNING

GONZO throws up in the toilet bowl.

In the background, SF!papyrus opens curtains.  Daylight blinds him.

                        SF!papyrus            Come on, we're going to be late.

GONZO looks up at his sick reflection -- wipes his mouth with a towel.

                        GONZO            This goddamn mescaline.  Why the            fuck can't they make it a little            less pure?  Maybe mix it up with            Rolaids or something.

                                                          72.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY

                        EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR                   (crackling and                   booming over the                   lousy sound system)            On behalf of the prosecuting            attorneys of this county, I welcome            you to the Third National DA's            Conference on Narcotics and            Dangerous Drugs.

The EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR -- well groomed, GOP businessman type -- speaks from the podium.  A banner behind him reads: NATIONAL DA'S CONVENTION 1971. "If You Don't Know, Come To Learn... If You Know, Come To Teach."

A BIG MIXED CROWD: TOP LEVEL STRAIGHT COPS, UNDERCOVER NARCS AND OTHER TWILIGHT TYPES -- beards, mustaches and super-Mod dress.  Just because you're a cop, doesn't mean you can't be WITH IT!  However, for every URBAN-HIPSTER there are around 20 REDNECKS.

A dozen big, low-fidelity speakers mounted on steel poles distort and feed back the EXECUTIVE's voice through the room.

At the back, under a loudspeaker, sits SF!papyrus -- $40 FBI wingtips, a Pat Boone madras sportcoat, and an official name tag: Papyrus, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, L.A.

GONZO sits beside him.  His name tag: DR. GONZO.  EXPERT, CRIMINAL DRUG ANALYSIS.  He's nervous -- close to the edge.

                        GONZO                   (lowers his voice)            I saw these bastards in Easy Rider,            but I didn't believe they were real.            Not like this.  Not hundreds of them!

                        SF!papyrus            They're actually nice people when            you get to know them.

                        GONZO            Man, I know these people in my            goddamn blood!

                        SF!papyrus            Don't mention that word around here.            You'll get them excited.

                        GONZO            This is a fucking nightmare.

                                                          73.

                        SF!papyrus            Right.  Sure as hell some dope-            dealing bomb freak is going to            recognize you and put the word out            that you're partying with a thousand            cops.

                        COP IN BACK            SSSSHHH!

DR. BLUMQUIST -- a "drug expert" -- takes the stage.

                        DR. BLUMQUIST            We must come to terms with the Drug            Culture in the country... country...            country...

The sound systems echoes.

                        DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D)            The reefer butt is called a "roach,"            because it resembles a cockroach...            cockroach... cockroach...

                        GONZO                   (whispers)            What the fuck are these people            talking about?  You'd have to be            crazy on acid to think a joint            looked like a goddamn cockroach!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            It was clear that we had stumbled            into a prehistoric gathering.

                        DR. BLUMQUIST            Now, there are four states of being            in the cannabis, or marijuana,            society: Cool, Groovy, Hip, and            Square.  The square is seldom if            ever cool.  He is not "with it,"            that is, he doesn't know "what's            happening." But if he manages to            figure it out, he moves up a notch            to "hip."

SF!papyrus and GONZO listen in disbelief.

                        DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D)            And if he can bring himself to            approve of what is happening, he            becomes "groovy." After that, with            much luck and perseverance, he can            rise to the rank of "cool." A cool            guy... cool guy... cool guy...

                                                          74.

                        COP IN BACK            Dr. Bloomquist, do you think the            anthropologist, Margaret Mead's            strange behavior of late might            possibly be explained by a private            marijuana addiction?

                        DR. BLUMQUIST            I really don't know, but at her            age, if she did smoke grass, she'd            have one hell of a trip!

Roars of laughter.

                        GONZO            I know a hell of a lot better ways            to waste my time than listening to            this bullshit.

He stands, knocking the ashtray off his chair arm, and plunges down the aisle to the door.

                        COP IN BACK            Down in front!

                        GONZO            Fuck you!  I have to get out!  I            don't belong here!

                        COP IN BACK            Good riddance!

He stumbles from the room.  SF!papyrus turns his attention back to the stage.

The lights go down.  A black & white film -- REEFER MADNESS! -- illustrates his now evangelical talk.

                        FILM NARRATOR            KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND!  YOUR LIFE            MAY DEPEND ON IT!  You will not be            able to see his eyes because of            Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will            be white from inner tension...

SF!papyrus turns his attention to a 340 pound TEXAN POLICE CHIEF who necks with his 290 pound WIFE beside him.

                        FILM NARRATOR            ... and his pants will be crusted            with semen from constantly jacking            off when he can't find a rape            victim...

                                                          75.

SF!papyrus gazes at the TEXAN and his WIFE. -- Feigning sickness, he gets up, hand over mouth.

                        SF!papyrus            Pardon me, I feel sick.

                        FILM NARRATOR            He will stagger and babble when            questioned.  He will not respect            your badge.  The Dope Fiend fears            nothing.  He will attack, for no            reason, with every weapon at his            command -- including yours...

SF!papyrus heads for the exit.

                        SF!papyrus            Sorry, sick... Beg pardon!  Feeling            sick...

                        FILM NARRATOR            BEWARE.  Any officer apprehending a            suspected marijuana addict should            use all necessary force immediately.            One stitch in time [on him] will            usually save nine on you.

SF!papyrus CRASHES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR.

INT. CASINO BAR - DAY

SF!papyrus sees GONZO at the bar -- talking to a SPORTY LOOKING COP about 40 whose name tag identifies him as a DISTRICT ATTORNEY FROM GEORGIA.

                        DA            I'm a whiskey man myself.  We don't            have much trouble from drugs where            I come from...

                        GONZO            You will.  One of these nights            you'll wake up and find a junkie            tearing your bedroom apart.

                        DA            Naw!

                        GONZO            They'll climb right into your            bedroom and sit on your chest with            big Bowie knives.  They might even            sit on your wife's chest.  Put the            blade right down on her throat.

                                                          76.

                        DA            Not down in my parts.

SF!papyrus joins them.

                        SF!papyrus                   (to WAITRESS)            Rum and ice, please.

                        DA                   (looks at SF!papyrus'S NAME TAG)            You're another one of these            California boys.  Your friend            here's been tellin' us about dope            fiends.

                        SF!papyrus            They're everywhere.  Nobody's safe.            And sure as hell not in the South.            They like warm weather... You'd            never believe it.  In L.A. it's out            of control.  First it was drugs,            now it's witchcraft.

                        DA            Witchcraft?  Shit, you can't mean it!

The BARTENDER cleans his glasses, one ear straining for the conversation.

                        GONZO            Read the newspapers.

                        SF!papyrus            Man, you don't know trouble until            you have to face down a bunch of            these addicts gone crazy for human            sacrifice!

                        DA            Naw!  That's science fiction stuff!

                        SF!papyrus            Not where we operate.

                        GONZO            Hell, in Malibu alone, these            goddamn Satan worshippers kill six            or eight people every day.  All            they want is the blood.  They'll            take people right off the street if            they have to.

                                                          77.

                        SF!papyrus            Just the other day we had a case            where they grabbed a girl right out            of a McDonald's hamburger stand.            She was a waitress, about sixteen            years old... with a lot of people            watching, too!

The BARTENDER keeps cleaning the same glass -- more and more furiously.

                        DA            What happened?  What did they do to            her?

                        GONZO            Do?  Jesus Christ, man.  They            chopped her goddamn head off right            there in the parking lot!  Then            they cut all kinds of holes in her            head and sucked out the blood!

                        DA                   (DA ad-libs a                   summation of the crime)            And nobody did anything?

                        SF!papyrus            What could they do?  The guy that            took the head was about six-seven,            and maybe three-hundred pounds.  He            was packing two Lugers, and the            others had M-16s.

                        GONZO            They just ran back out into Death            Valley -- you know, where Manson            turned up...

                        SF!papyrus            Like big lizards.

                        GONZO            ... and every one of them stacked            naked...

                        DA            Naked!?

                        SF!papyrus            Naked.

                                                          78.

                        GONZO            Yeh, naked!... except for the            weapons.

                        SF!papyrus            They were all veterans.

                        DA            Veterans?!!!?

Agog with the horrors of the story, the BARTENDER polishes the glass -- faster and faster...

                        GONZO            Yeh.  The big guy used to be a            major in the Marines.

                        DA            A major!

                        GONZO            We know where he lives, but we            can't get near the house.

                        DA            Naw!  Not a major.

                        GONZO            He wanted the pineal gland.

                        DA            Really?

                        GONZO            That's how he got so big.  When he            quit the Marines he was just a            little guy.

                        SF!papyrus            Usually, it's whole families.            During the night.  Most of them            don't even wake up until they feel            their heads going -- and then, of            course, it's too late.

The glass smashes in the BARTENDER's hand.

                        SF!papyrus (CONT'D)            Happens every day.

SF!papyrus turns to a WAITRESS with a warm smile.

                                                          79.

                        SF!papyrus (CONT'D)            Three more rums.  Plenty of ice.            Maybe a handful of lime chunks.

                        WAITRESS            Are you guys with the police            convention upstairs?

                        DA            We sure are, Miss.

                        WAITRESS            I thought so.  I never heard that            kind of talk around here before.            Jesus Christ!  How do you guys            stand that kind of work?

                        GONZO                   (grinning)            We like it.  It's groovy.

The WAITRESS stares -- sickened -- at GONZO.

                        SF!papyrus            What's wrong with you?  Hell,            somebody has to do it.

                        GONZO            Hurry up with those drinks.  We're            thirsty.  Only two rums.  Make mine            a Bloody Mary.

                        DA                   (whacks his fist on                   the bar)            Hell, I really hate to hear this.            Because everything that happens in            California seems to get down our            way, sooner or later.  Mostly            Atlanta.  But that was back when            the goddamn bastards were peaceful.            All we had to do was to keep 'em            under surveillance.  They didn't            roam around much... But now Jesus,            it seems nobody's safe.

                        GONZO                   (with a conspiratorial                   nod)            You're going to need to take the            bull by the horns -- go to the mat            with this scum.

                                                          80.

                        DA            What do you mean by that?

                        GONZO            You know what I mean.  We've done            it before and we can damn well do            it again!

                        SF!papyrus            Cut their goddamn heads off.  Every            one of them.  That's what we're            doing in California.

                        DA                   (stupefied)            WHAT?

                        GONZO            Sure.  It's all on the Q.T., but            everybody who matters is with us            all the way down the line.

                        SF!papyrus            We keep it quiet.  It's not the            kind of thing you'd want to talk            about upstairs.  Not with the press            around.

                        DA                   (recovering slightly)            Hell, no.  We'd never hear the            goddamn end of it.

                        SF!papyrus            Dobermans don't talk.

                        DA            What?

                        GONZO            Sometimes it's easier to just rip            out the backstraps.

                        SF!papyrus            They'll fight like hell if you try            to take the head without the dogs.

                        DA            God almighty!                   (muttering in a daze)            I don't think I should tell my wife            about this.  She'd never understand.            You know how women are.

                                                          81.

SF!papyrus gives the DA a brotherly slap on the back.

                        SF!papyrus            Just be thankful your heart is            young and strong.

SF!papyrus and GONZO leave the stunned DA -- staring into the swirling ice in drink.

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY

SF!papyrus and GONZO fall into the suite in fits of laughter.

GONZO feels the nausea rise suddenly -- heads for the bathroom.  Immediate sounds of retching.

The phone message light is blinking.  SF!papyrus opens a beer, picks up the phone.

                        SF!papyrus            What's the message?  My light is            blinking.

                        CLERK (V/O)            Ah, yes.  Mr. SF!papyrus?  You have one            message: "Call Lucy at the Americana            Hotel, room 1600."

                        SF!papyrus            Holy shit!

SF!papyrus slams the phone down.  GONZO emerges from the bathroom -- looking like death.

                        SF!papyrus            Lucy called.

GONZO sags visibly -- like an animal taking a bullet.

                        GONZO            What?

The telephone rings.  SF!papyrus answers.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - RECEPTION - DAY

A worried CLERK speaks in to the phone.

                        CLERK            Mr. SF!papyrus?  Hello, Mr. SF!papyrus, I'm            sorry we were cut off a moment            ago... I thought I should call            again, because I was wondering...

                                                          82.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - DAY

                        SF!papyrus            WHAT?                   (hand over the PHONE)            What was that crazy bitch said to            him?                   (screams)            There's a war on, man!  People are            being killed!

                        CLERK (V/O)            Killed?

                        SF!papyrus            IN VIETNAM!  ON THE GODDAMN            TELEVISION!

                        CLERK (V/O)            Oh... yes... yes... This terrible            war.  When will it end?

                        SF!papyrus            Tell me.  What do you want?

In the background GONZO is upturning a sofa to retrieve his stash from the lining.

                        CLERK (V/O)            The woman who left that message for            you sounded very disturbed.  I            think she was crying...

                        SF!papyrus            Crying?  Why was she crying?

                        CLERK (V/O)            Well, uh.  She didn't say Mr. SF!papyrus.            But since I know you're here with            the Police Convention...

                        SF!papyrus            Look, you want to be gentle with            that woman if she ever calls again.            We're watching her very carefully...            this woman has been into laudanum.            It's a controlled experiment, but I            suspect we'll need your cooperation            before this thing is over.

                        CLERK (V/O)                   (hesitantly)            Well, certainly... We're always            happy to cooperate with the police...

                                                          83.

                        SF!papyrus            Don't worry.  You're protected.            Just treat this poor woman like            you'd treat any other human being            in trouble.

                        CLERK (V/O)            What?  Ah... yes, yes, I see what            you mean... Yes... so, you'll be            responsible then?

                        SF!papyrus            Of course.  And now I have to get            back to the news.  Send up some ice.

He hangs up.  GONZO zaps TV channels -- commercials.

                        GONZO            Good work.  They'll treat us like            goddamn lepers after that.

                        SF!papyrus                   (slowly, carefully)            Lucy is looking for you.

                        GONZO                   (laughing)            No, she's looking for you.

                        SF!papyrus            Me?

                        GONZO            She really flipped over you.  The            only way I could get rid of her was            by saying you were taking me out to            the desert for a showdown -- that            you wanted me out of the way so you            could have her all to yourself.                   (laughing again)            I guess she figures you won.  That            phone message wasn't for me, was it?

A look of stunned realization from SF!papyrus...

INT. FANTASY COURT ROOM - DAY

LUCY is on the witness stand.

                        LUCY            Yessir, those two men in the dock            are the ones who gave me the LSD            and took me to the hotel.

                                                          84.

A doomed SF!papyrus and GONZO await their fate.

                        LUCY            I don't know for sure what they            done to me, but I remember it was            horrible.

                        JUDGE            Twenty years... and Double            Castration!

The JUDGE bangs his gavel.

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY

SF!papyrus is madly stuffing his suitcase.

                        GONZO            Wait!  You can't leave me alone in            this snake pit.  This room is in my            name.

SF!papyrus KEEPS PACKING.  GONZO is looking worried.

                        GONZO            OK, goddamnit!... Look... I'll call            her.  I'll get her off our backs.            You're right.  She's my problem.

                        SF!papyrus            It's gone too far.

                        GONZO            Relax.  Let me handle this.                   (dials the PHONE,                   snaps angrily at SF!papyrus)            You'd make a piss-poor lawyer.            ...Room 1600, please.                   (to SF!papyrus)            As your attorney, I advise you not            to worry.                   (nods towards bathroom)            Take a hit out of that little brown            bottle in my shaving kit.

SF!papyrus goes in the bathroom.  He finds a little bottle -- a label: "DRINK ME."

                        SF!papyrus            What is this?

                                                          85.

                        GONZO            You won't need much.  Just a little            tiny taste, that stuff makes pure            mescaline seem like ginger-beer.            Adrenochrome.

SF!papyrus stares wonderingly at the bottle.

                        SF!papyrus            Adrenochrome...

                        GONZO                   (into PHONE)            Hi, Lucy?  Yeah, it's me.  I got            your message...what?  Hell, no, I            taught the bastard a lesson he'll            never forget... what?  No, not            dead, but he won't be bothering            anybody for a while.  Yeah.  I left            him out there, I stomped him, then            pulled all his teeth out...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I remember thinking, "Jesus, what a            terrible thing to lay on somebody            with a head full of acid."

SF!papyrus dips a match head into the brown bottle -- studies it -- TASTES IT -- NOTHING -- TASTES SOME MORE...

                        GONZO                   (to PHONE)            But here's the problem.  That            bastard cashed a bad check            downstairs and gave you as a            reference.  They'll be looking for            both of you.  Yeah, I know, but you            can't judge a book by its cover,            Lucy.  Some people are just            basically rotten... Anyway, the            last thing you want to do is call            this hotel again; they'll trace the            call and put you straight behind            bars... no, I'm moving to the            Tropicana right away.  I have to            go, they've got the phone tapped.            Yeah, I know, it was horrible, but            it's all over now... OH MY GOD!            THEY'RE KICKING THE DOOR DOWN!                   (throws the PHONE                   down; shouts)            No!  Get away from me!  I'm innocent!            It was SF!papyrus!  I swear to God!                         (MORE)

                                                          86.

                        GONZO (CONT'D)                   (stomps the PHONE; moans)            No, I don't know where she is.            You'll never catch Lucy!  She's            gone!  I swear, I don't know where            she is!  DON'T PUT THAT THING ON ME!                   (slams the PHONE down)

GONZO sits back in his chair... watching MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

                        GONZO            Well.  That's that.  She's probably            stuffing herself down the            incinerator about now.  That's the            last we should be hearing from Lucy.                   (fumbling with the                   hash pipe)            Where's the opium?

SF!papyrus stares at the back of GONZO's neck.  SOMETHING VERY STRANGE IS HAPPENING TO HIM...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I remember slumping on the bed, his            performance had given me a bad jolt.            For a moment I thought his mind had            snapped -- that he actually believed            he was being attacked by invisible            enemies.  But the room was quiet            again.

SF!papyrus CLUTCHES THE BROWN BOTTLE.

                        SF!papyrus            Where'd you get this?

                        GONZO            Never mind, it's absolutely pure.

                        SF!papyrus            Jesus... what kind of monster            client have you picked up this time?            There's only one source for this            stuff -- the adrenaline gland from            a living human body!

GONZO turns to smile at SF!papyrus.

                                                          87.

                        GONZO            I know, but the guy didn't have any            cash to pay me.  He's one of these            Satanism freaks.  He offered me            human blood -- said it would take            me higher than I've ever been in my            life.                   (laughs -- struts                   round SF!papyrus -- eyes                   bright with expectation)            I thought he was kidding, so I told            him I'd just as soon have an ounce            or so of pure adrenochrome -- or            maybe just a fresh adrenaline gland            to chew on.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I could already feel the stuff            working on me -- the first wave            felt like a combination of mescaline            and methedrine -- maybe I should            take a swim, I thought...

SF!papyrus sees that GONZO is TOYING WITH HIS HUNTING KNIFE...

                        GONZO            Yeah, they nailed this guy for            child molesting.  He swore he            didn't do it. "Why should I fuck            with children?" he says. "They're            too small." Christ, werewolf is            entitled to legal counsel.  I            didn't dare turn the creep down.            He might have picked up a letter            opener and gone after my pineal            gland!

GONZO JABS WITH THE RAZOR BRIGHT KNIFE.  SF!papyrus'S BODY IS GOING RIGID -- HE SPEAKS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH.

                        SF!papyrus            Why not?  We should get some of            that.  Just eat a big handful and            see what happens.

                        GONZO            Some of what?

                        SF!papyrus                   (spitting words)            Extract of pineal!

                                                          88.

                        GONZO                   (STARING AT SF!papyrus WITH                   A STRANGE SMILE)            Sure.  That's a good idea.  One            whiff of that shit would turn you            into something out of a goddamn            medical encyclopedia.

GONZO GROWS HORNS -- HIS FACE BECOMES A MEXICAN DEMON MASK.

                        GONZO            Man, your head would swell up like            a watermelon, you'd probably gain            about a hundred pounds in two            hours...

A CLOVEN HOOF BURSTS THROUGH GONZO'S SHOE.

                        SF!papyrus            Right!

                        GONZO            ... grow claws... bleeding warts.

GONZO'S CHEST EXPANDS -- BONY RIBS BURSTING HIS SHIRT.

                        SF!papyrus            Yes!

                        GONZO            ... then you'd notice about six            huge hairy tits swelling up on your            back...

A TAIL LASHES, HOOFS STRIKE THE FLOOR.  GONZO TOWERS -- A FLAME RED DEMON!

                        SF!papyrus            Fantastic!

SF!papyrus is now so wire that his hands are CLAWING UNCONTROLLABLY at the bedspread, JERKING IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER HIM.  His heels are dug into the mattress with both KNEES LOCKED, EYEBALLS SWELLING.

GONZO-DEMON LOOMS AGAINST THE CEILING.

                        GONZO            you'd go blind... your body would            turn to wax... they'd have to put            you in a wheelbarrow and...

GONZO'S VOICE FADES AWAY -- SF!papyrus'S frenzied gaze reveals GONZO REVERTED TO NORMAL HUMAN SHAPE AND SIZE.

                                                          89.

                        GONZO            Man I'll try about anything; but            I'd never touch a pineal gland.

                        SF!papyrus            FINISH THE FUCKING STORY!  What            happened?!  What about the glands?

GONZO, a small smile on his lips, backs away warily... towards the TV -- NOW A HUNDRED FEET AWAY IN THE DISTANCE...

                        GONZO            Jesus, that stuff got right on top            of you, didn't it.

VEINS stand out on SF!papyrus's forehead.  He is purplish-red. OVER THE TOP!  Too late, he realizes he is NEAR DEATH!

                        SF!papyrus            Maybe you could just... shove me            into the pool, or something...

GONZO shakes his head disgustedly.

                        GONZO            If I put you in the pool right now,            you'd sink like a goddamn stone.            You took too much.  Jesus, look at            your face, you're about to explode.

GONZO sits back down... watching the TV.

                        GONZO            Don't try and fight it, or you'll            get brain bubbles.  Strokes,            aneurysms.  You'll just wither up            and die.

SF!papyrus FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS.

AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN.

                        NIXON            Sacrifice... sacrifice...            sacrifice...

SF!papyrus PASSES OUT.

BLACK SCREEN

                                                          90.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

Darkness.  Insanely, somewhere NILSSON plays -- "Put the lime in the coconut and mix em all up..."

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            What kind of rat-bastard psychotic            would play that song -- right now,            at this moment?

SF!papyrus opens his eyes and the hotel suite rushes in.  He lies, awkwardly twisted -- unable to move.  He could have been there days -- months.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            When I came to the general back            alley ambiance of the suite was so            rotten, so incredibly foul.  How            long had I been lying there?  Hours?            Days?  Months?  All these signs of            violence.  What had happened?

SF!papyrus moves his eyes -- taking in his surroundings: Like THE SIGHT OF SOME DISASTROUS ZOOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT involving whisky and gorillas.  Blue and red Christmas tree lights replace lightbulbs, used towels hanging everywhere, pornographic pictures ripped out of a magazine are plastered on a shattered mirror.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There was evidence in this room of            excessive consumption of almost            every type of drug known to            civilized man since 1544 AD.

SF!papyrus manages to move -- stiffly gets to his bare feet -- HOBBLES ROUND THE TRASHED ROOM like a newly risen ape.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            But what kind of addict would need            all these coconut husks and crushed            honeydew rinds?  Would the presence            of junkies account for all these            uneaten french fries?  These            puddles of glazed ketchup on the            bureau?  Maybe so, but then why all            this booze?  And these crude            pornographic photos smeared with            mustard that had dried to a hard            yellow crust...

SF!papyrus peers into Gonzo's room -- HIS BED LIKE A BURNED OUT RAT'S NEST -- blackened springs and wires.

                                                          91.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            These were not the hoof prints of            your normal god-fearing junkie.  It            was too savage, too aggressive.

QUICK FLASHBACK:

GONZO SMASHES THE TEN FOOT MIRROR WITH A HAMMER:

BACK IN THE ROOM:

SF!papyrus stares at the smashed mirror.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Grim memories and bad flashbacks.

In the bathroom, SF!papyrus'S unlaced boots CRUSH BROKEN GLASS IN VOMIT AND GRAPEFRUIT RINDS.

SF!papyrus unzips and pisses.  THERE IN THE TOILET BOWL IS THE MAGNUM .357!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Something ugly had happened.  I was            sure of it...

SF!papyrus stares at the golden stream SPLASHING ON THE GUN.

The SOUNDS OF VOMITING come from a closet near the front door.

SF!papyrus looks into the room.  He sees GONZO's ass sticking out of the closet.  He opens his mouth to speak when, IN THE SMASHED MIRROR HE SEES THE FRAGMENTED REFLECTION OF HIMSELF... sleeping on the sofa.

The ominous SOUND OF A KEY TURNING in the room lock.

A hellish scream wakes up the SLEEPING SF!papyrus.  He sees GONZO grappling naked with the maid -- gun to her head.  GONZO is muffling her screams with an ice bag.

                        MAID            Please... please... I'm only the            maid.  I didn't mean nothin!...

                        SF!papyrus                   (jumps up from the                   bed, flashing his                   press badge)            YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

                                                          92.

                        GONZO                   (to SF!papyrus)            She must have used a pass key.  I            was polishing my shoes in the            closet when I noticed her sneaking            in-so I took her.

SF!papyrus shakes his head.

                        SF!papyrus                   (barks at the MAID)            What made you do it?  Who paid you            off?

                        MAID            Nobody.  I'm the maid!

                        GONZO            You're lying!  You were after the            evidence.  Who put you up to            this -- the manager?

                        MAID            I don't know what you're talking            about!

                        GONZO            Bullshit!  You're just as much a            part of it as they are!

                        MAID            Part of what?

                        SF!papyrus            The dope ring.  You must know            what's going on in this hotel.  Why            do you think we're here?

                        MAID                   (blubbering)            I know you're cops, but I thought            you were just here for that            convention.  I swear!  All I wanted            to do was clean up the room.  I            don't know anything about dope!

GONZO laughs.

                        GONZO            Come on, baby don't try to tell us            you never heard of the Grange Gorman.

                                                          93.

                        MAID            No!  No!  I swear to Jesus I never            heard of that stuff!

                        SF!papyrus            Maybe she's telling the truth.            Maybe she's not part of it.

                        MAID            No!  I swear I'm not!

                        GONZO                   (long pause)            In that case, maybe she can help.

                        MAID            Yes!  I'll help you all you need!            I hate dope!

                        SF!papyrus            So do we, lady.

                        GONZO                   (helping her up)            I think we should put her on the            payroll.  See what she comes up with.

                        SF!papyrus            Do you think you can handle it?

                        MAID            What?

                        GONZO            One phone call every day.  Just            tell us what you've seen.  Don't            worry if it doesn't add up, that's            our problem.

GONZO hustles the MAID to the door.

                        MAID            You'd pay me for that?

                        SF!papyrus            You're damn right.  But the first            time you say anything about this,            to anybody -- you'll go straight to            prison for the rest of your life.            What's your name?

                        MAID            Alice.  Just ring Linen Service and            ask for Alice.

                                                          94.

                        GONZO            Alright, Alice... you'll be            contacted by Inspector Rock.            Arthur Rock.  He'll be posing as a            politician.

                        SF!papyrus            Inspector Rock will pay you.  In            cash.  A thousand dollars on the            ninth of every month.

                        MAID            Oh Lord!  I'd do just about anything            for that!

                        GONZO            You and a lot of other people.

                        SF!papyrus            The password is: "One Hand Washes            The Other." The minute you hear            that, you say "I fear nothing."

                        MAID            I fear nothing.

She repeats the password several times while they listen to make sure she has it right.

                        GONZO            Oh, and don't bother to make up the            room.  That way we won't have to            risk another of these little            incidents, will we?

                        MAID            Whatever you say, gentlemen.  I            can't tell you how sorry I am about            what happened...

                        GONZO            Don't worry, it's all over now.            Thank God for the decent people.

She smiles, repeating to herself "One Hand Washes The Other" as GONZO hangs the DO NOT DISTURB sign and shuts the door.

CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT.

A grimy tape runs through a grunged-up portable tape recorder.

                        GONZO ON TAPE            ... Thank God for the decent people.

                                                          95.

SF!papyrus sits in the middle of the wrecked suite with his mangled tape recorder in front of him.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Memories of that night are extremely            hazy...

SF!papyrus fast forwards through the tape -- SEARCHING: "Awwww, mama... can this really...be the end...?"

EXT. SAFEWAY SUPERMARKET - DAY

The WHITE WHALE waits -- gleaming -- beautiful.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There is a definite obligation,            when you boom around Vegas in a            white Coupe de Ville, to maintain a            certain style.

SF!papyrus and GONZO burst out of the supermarket riding a shopping basket loaded with COCONUTS, GRAPEFRUIT and TEQUILA.  They send DEFEATED SHOPPERS sprawling.

The trolley collides into the WHITE WHALE.  SHOPPERS gather at the supermarket entrance to watch -- baskets loaded with junk, SCREAMING KIDS and EMPTY WALLETS.

SF!papyrus switches on the music: JUMPING JACK FLASH.  He selects a coconut -- ceremonially balances it on the hood.  GONZO pulls out a silver claw-hammer.  A sly look at the gathering CROWD... then he smashes the hammer down on the coconut!

A GASP from the surly SHOPPERS.

SF!papyrus places another coconut.  SMASH!  Milk and white meat flies everywhere.

                        SHOPPER #1            Hey!  Is that your car?

                        SF!papyrus            Sure is.

SMASH!  Coconut fragments fly.

                        SF!papyrus            Any of you folks want the milk?            We're after the meat.  This is            honest coconut essence.  Real meat.

SMASH!

                                                          96.

                        SHOPPER #2            Meat, hell!  Look what you're doing            to that car!

                        GONZO            Fuck the car.  They should make            these things with a goddamn FM radio.

SMASH!

                        SF!papyrus            Yeh... This foreign made crap -- is            sucking our dollar balance dry!

                        SHOPPER #3            Someone should stop them!

SMASH!

                        SF!papyrus            You poor fools don't understand, do            you?  This car is the property of            the World Bank!  That money goes to            ITALY!

                        SHOPPER #3            Somebody should call the police!

                        GONZO            Police?  Are you people crazy?

GONZO confronts the CROWD, hammer in one hand, a coconut in the other.

                        GONZO (CONT'D)            You folks every heard of ole            Patrick Henry?  Know what he said?!

Silence -- the CROWD uncomprehending of this STONE DEGENERATE.

                        GONZO (CONT'D)                   (ROARS)            GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

GONZO brings the hammer down on the hood.  CLANG!

A gasp from the CROWD.  Getting ugly.

                        GONZO (CONT'D)            In Samoa we LOVE THE CONSTITUTION!

                        SHOPPER #3            Bullshit.

                                                          97.

The CROWD move in.

                        SHOPPER #1            Call the goddamn police!

GONZO SWINGS THE HAMMER.  CLANG!

                        SHOPPER #4            Look what they've done to that            beautiful car!

SF!papyrus jumps in behind the wheel.

                        SF!papyrus            This crowd is not rational.  They            can't relate to us.  Let's go!

A final CLANG!  GONZO jumps in.

SF!papyrus floors the accelerator -- screams at the CROWD.

                        SF!papyrus            You people voted for Hubert Humphrey!            You killed Jesus!

They swerve round and through the CROWD.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The crowd broke ranks.  Nobody            wants to be run over by a Coupe de            Ville.

INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus FAST-FORWARDS... PLAYS THE TAPE...

                        VOICE ON TAPE            You found the American Dream?  In            this town?

                        SF!papyrus ON TAPE            We're sitting on the main nerve            right now...

INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT

SF!papyrus and GONZO (wearing a single black glove) talk conspiratorially to a 3RD MAN.  A PLACID ORANGUTAN in a bow tie sits next to him.  THE BAR IS REVOLVING FASTER THAN NORMAL.  SF!papyrus IS INSANELY TALKATIVE -- WIRED!

                                                          98.

                        SF!papyrus            The manager told me a story about            the owner of this place...about how            he always wanted to run away and            join the circus when he was a kid.            Well, now the bastard has his own            circus, and a license to steal, too.

                        3RD MAN            You're right -- he's the model.

                        SF!papyrus            Absolutely!  Pure Horatio Alger...            Say...

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus playing the tape.

                        SF!papyrus ON TAPE            ... how much do you think he'd take            for the ape?

SF!papyrus fast-forwards again -- searching... TRAFFIC NOISES. SCREECH OF BRAKES.

                        VOICE ON TAPE            Holy God!...

A TERRIBLE GRINDING NOISE.

EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT

                        RENTAL AGENT            Holy God!, how did this happen?

                        SF!papyrus            They beat the shit out of it.

                        RENTAL AGENT            The top's completely jammed!

The CAR RENTAL AGENT wrestles with the trashed car.

                        SF!papyrus            Yeah, something's wrong with the            motor...

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

                        SF!papyrus ON TAPE            ... The generator light's been on            red ever since I drove the thing            into Lake Mead on a water test...

                                                          99.

A HUGE SPLASH...

The tape's gone too far.

                        SF!papyrus            No, no.  Shit...

SF!papyrus races the tape BACKWARDS... Then, SIRENS HOWL.

                        SF!papyrus ON TAPE            Where's the ape?  I'm ready to            write a check.

INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS BAR - NIGHT

SF!papyrus is standing in the middle of A SEMI-DESTROYED BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING BAR.  Mirrors are broken.  People are recovering from some kind of battle.  THE BAR SPINS MADLY. SF!papyrus IS INSANELY WIRED.

                        3RD MAN            Forget it, he just attacked an old            man... he took a bite out of the            bartender's head!  The cops took            the ape away.

                        SF!papyrus            Goddamnit!  What's the bail?  I            want that ape!  I've already            reserved two first-class seats on            the plane.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There was every reason to believe            that we had been heading for            trouble, that we'd pushed our luck            a bit far...

INT. WHITE WHALE ON THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT

GONZO SCREAMS ABUSE out of the window at a Ford alongside the VOMIT STREAKED WHITE WHALE.  SF!papyrus MAKES A SUPERHUMAN EFFORT TO STAY ON THE ROAD.

                        GONZO            Hey there!  You folks want to buy            some heroin?

In the Ford: TWO COUPLES -- MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN FACES FROZEN IN SHOCK -- stare straight ahead.  GONZO leans out -- close to them.

                                                         100.

                        GONZO            Hey, honkies!  Goddamnit, I'm            serious.  I want to sell you some            pure fucking smack!

No reaction.

                        GONZO            Cheap heroin!  This is the real            stuff!  You won't get hooked.  I            just got back from Vietnam!  This            is scag, folks.  Pure scag!

The lights change.  The Ford bolts.  SF!papyrus keeps pace with them.

                        GONZO            Shoot!  Fuck!  Scag!  Blood!            Heroin!  Rape!  Cheap!  Communist!            Jab it right in your fucking            eyeballs!

The MAN IN THE BACK SEAT suddenly loses control -- enraged, lunges against the glass, trying to get at GONZO.

                        MAN IN CAR            You dirty bastards!  Pull over and            I'll kill you!  God damn you!  You            bastards!

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

BACK IN THE SUITE:

The tapes runs:

                        MAN IN CAR ON TAPE            You dirty bastards!

An ugly squeal of brakes.

                        GONZO ON TAPE            Shit, he was trying to bite me!  I            shoulda maced the fucker!

SF!papyrus fast forwards the tape.  The TAPE MANGLES -- the sounds ski to a halt...

SF!papyrus grabs the nearest tool -- uses it to hook out the tape, then realizes... IT'S GONZO'S RAZOR-SHARP FOLDING KNIFE... A CHILLING MOMENT...

SF!papyrus turns the knife over... THERE'S A DRIED CRIMSON SPOT ON THE BLADE... OR IS IT DRIED MASHED POTATOES?

                                                         101.

READ ON TO FIND OUT!

                        SF!papyrus                   (remembering)            Back door beauty!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The mentality of Las Vegas is so            grossly atavistic that a really            massive crime often slips by            unrecognized.

SF!papyrus SCRAPS A LITTLE OF THE CRUST -- TASTES IT...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            The possibility of physical and            mental collapse is very real... No            sympathy for the devil; keep that            in mind.  Buy the ticket, take the            ride...

HE HEARS THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BEHIND BEATEN UP...

                        VOICE OFF            Shit!  Faggot!  Bastard!

EXT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT

WHACK!  SHADOWY FIGURES beat up a MAN -- give him A GOOD KICKING.  BRUTAL AND UGLY.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            North Vegas is where you go when            you've fucked up once too often on            The Strip and when you're not even            welcome in the cut-rate Downtown            places.

PAN to reveal a seedy diner -- THE NORTH STAR CAFE in the background.  Through the window -- SF!papyrus and GONZO sit at the counter.

INT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The North Star Coffee Lounge seemed            like a fairly safe haven from our            storms.  No hassles, no talk.  Just            a place to rest and regroup.  I            wasn't even hungry.

GONZO stuffs a hamburger down PAYING NO ATTENTION TO THE BEATING going on outside the window.  SF!papyrus reads a newspaper.

                                                         102.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There was nothing in the atmosphere            of the North Star to put me on my            guard...

                        GONZO                   (to WAITRESS)            Two glasses of ice water with ice.

The WAITRESS brings the ice water.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            She looked like a burnt out            caricature of Jane Russell.  She            was definitely in charge here...

GONZO gulps down his glass of water and hands her a napkin.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            He did it very casually, but I knew            that our peace was about to be            shattered.

                        SF!papyrus            What was that?

GONZO shrugs.

The WAITRESS stands at the end of the counter with her back to them while she ponders the napkin... She turns.

                        WAITRESS            What is this?

                        GONZO            A napkin.

THE WAITRESS slams the napkin down on the counter.

                        WAITRESS            Don't give me that bullshit!  I            know what it means!  You goddamn            fat pimp bastard.

                        GONZO            That's the name of a horse I used            to own.  What's wrong with you?

                        WAITRESS            You sonofabitch!  I take a lot of            shit in this place, but I sure as            hell don't have to take it off a            SPIC PIMP!

                                                         103.

GONZO GOES VERY VERY STILL AT THIS...

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Jesus.  I thought, what's happening?

SF!papyrus picks up the napkin.  On it is printed in careful red letters: "BACK DOOR BEAUTY?"

                        SF!papyrus (V/O CONT'D)            The question mark was emphasized.

                        WAITRESS                   (screams)            Pay your bill and get the hell out!            You want me to call the cops?

                        GONZO            Spic pimp?

GONZO's hand goes inside his shirt.  He PULLS OUT THE RAZOR- SHARP HUNTING KNIFE.

GONZO KEEPS HIS EYES ON THE WAITRESS.  He walks about six feet down the aisle and lifts the receiver of the pay phone. He SLICES IT OFF, then brings the receiver back to his stool and sits down.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            I was stupid with shock -- not            knowing whether to run or start            laughing.

                        GONZO                   (casual)            How much is the lemon meringue pie?

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            Her eyes were turgid with fear, but            her brain was functioning on some            basic motor survival level.

                        WAITRESS                   (blurting -- on automatic)            Thirty-five cents!

                        GONZO                   (laughing)            I mean the whole pie.

The WAITRESS MOANS.  GONZO places a $5 BILL on the counter.

                        GONZO            Let's say five dollars.  Okay?

                                                         104.

GONZO walks round the counter TAKING THE PIE OUT OF THE DISPLAY CASE.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            The sight of the blade had triggered            bad memories.  The glazed look in            her eyes said her throat had been            cut.  She was still in the grip of            paralysis when we left.

SF!papyrus IS ROOTED TO THE SPOT.

GONZO urges him out the door.  The camera retreats with them.

The WAITRESS STANDS THERE -- PETRIFIED.  Alone in a lousy bar at night.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

SF!papyrus's face as he stares at the knife -- remembering...

                        GONZO (V/O)            Drive!  Drive!  Drive!  We have            fifteen fucking minutes to get me            on that plane!

EXT. ROAD ON OUTSKIRTS OF LAS VEGAS - DAY

The WHITE WHALE, looking like shit -- it's TOP HALF UP, TORN, SLAPPING IN THE WIND -- ROARS THROUGH AN INTERSECTION as the light turns red.

DR. GONZO FRANTICALLY PAWS OVER A MAP.

SF!papyrus drives -- SILENT AND FURIOUS -- sick to his stomach with the PSYCHOTIC GONZO.

                        GONZO            What are you doing?  You were            supposed to turn back there!

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            We had abused every rule that Vegas            lived by -- burning the locals,            abusing the tourists, terrifying            the help.  The only chance now, I            felt, was the possibility that we'd            gone to such excess that nobody in            the position to bring the hammer            down on us could possibility            believe it.

SF!papyrus suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES.

                                                         105.

                        GONZO            Jesus Christ!!!

There, crossing the road in front of them, is LUCY -- her paintings under her arm -- looking lost.  SHE LOOKS UP WITH A VAGUE SENSE OF RECOGNITION...

SF!papyrus throws the car into a SKIDDING REVERSE TURN AND ROARS OFF.

EXT. DESERT ROAD OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS - DAY

THE WHITE WHALE TEARS DOWN THE DESERTED FREEWAY.  GONZO looks wildly around.

                        GONZO            Goddamnit!  We're lost!  What are            we doing out here on this            godforsaken road?

GONZO sees that THEY'RE RUNNING PARALLEL WITH THE AIRPORT RUNWAY.

                        GONZO            The airport is over there!

                        SF!papyrus            Never missed a plane yet.

SF!papyrus HITS THE BRAKES and wrenches the wheel -- takes the WHALE down into the grassy freeway divider.  WHEELS CHURNING, HE MAKES IT UP THE OPPOSITE BANK, nose of the car straight up, then BOUNCES ONTO THE FREEWAY and keeps going right OVER A FENCE, dragging it through a cactus field and onto the RUNWAY.

GONZO is FROZEN WITH FEAR -- GRIPPING THE DASHBOARD.  He throws a worried look at SF!papyrus.

                        SF!papyrus            I'll drop you right next to the            plane.

They SPEED UNDER A PARKED AIRPLANE, SHOUTING ABOVE THE JET ENGINE SCREAM.

                        GONZO            No!  I can't get out!  They'll            crucify me.  I'll have to take the            blame!

                                                         106.

                        SF!papyrus                   (irritatedly)            Ridiculous!  Just say you were            hitchhiking to the airport and I            picked you up.  You never saw me            before.  Shit, this town is full of            white Cadillac convertibles.  I            plan to go through there so fast            that nobody will even glimpse the            goddamn license plate.  You ready?

                        GONZO            Why not?  But for Christ's sake,            just do it fast!

EXT. AT THE AIRPLANE - DAY

SF!papyrus SCREECHES UP in front of the DESERT AIR 727.  GONZO JUMPS OUT -- HEADS FOR THE PLANE.

SF!papyrus watches him go -- RELENTS.

                        SF!papyrus            Hey!

GONZO stops -- turns.

                        SF!papyrus            Don't take any guff from those            swine.  Remember, if you have any            trouble you can always send a            telegram to the Right People.

                        GONZO            Yeah... Explaining my Position.            Some asshole wrote a poem about            that once...

GONZO pauses.

                        GONZO            Probably good advice, if you have            shit for brains.

GONZO turns and RACES TOWARDS THE STEPS JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE PLANE HE PAUSES AND LOOKS BACK...SMILES...AND LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There he goes -- one of God's own            prototypes -- a high powered mutant            of some kind never even considered            for mass production.  Too weird to            live and too rare to die.

                                                         107.

SF!papyrus watches for a second then ROARS AWAY.  PULL BACK WITH THE WHITE SHARK -- LEAVING THE AIRPLANE FAR BEHIND.

INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE/APOCALYPSE - NIGHT

On the TV an airplane soars thru the sky.  Pull back to find SF!papyrus barricaded in GONZO'S BEDROOM.  He is typing on his typewriter.

                        SF!papyrus            We are all wired into a survival            trip now.  No more of the speed            that fueled that 60's.  That was            the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip.            He crashed around America selling            "consciousness expansion" without            ever giving a thought to the grim            meat-hook realities that were lying            in wait for all the people who took            him seriously...

SF!papyrus records like A WAR CORRESPONDENT.  The CAMERA slowly rises -- SF!papyrus alone in the room with the TV SPEWING OUT IMAGES OF WARS AND CIVIL UNREST OF THE 90'S.

                        SF!papyrus            All those pathetically eager acid            freaks who thought they could buy            Peace and Understanding for three            bucks a hit.  But their loss and            failure is ours too.  What Leary            took down with him was the central            illusion of a whole life-style that            he helped create...

RISING HIGHER -- THE WALLS OF THE ROOM APPEAR TO BY 20 TO 30 FEET HIGH.  SF!papyrus SEEMS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL... THE CAMERA RISES UP THROUGH BROKEN TIMBERS...

                        SF!papyrus            ... a generation of permanent            cripples, failed seekers, who never            understood the essential old-mystic            fallacy of the Acid Culture: the            desperate assumption that somebody...            or at least some force -- is            tending the light at the end of the            tunnel.

HIGHER STILL -- SF!papyrus ALONE IN THE ROOM -- AN ISOLATED BOX SURROUNDED BY THE TWISTED METAL AND RUBBLE AND SMASHED NEON SIGNS OF THE DEAD CITY -- A BLASTED LANDSCAPE WITHOUT LIGHT -- SHARDS OF A CIVILIZATION.

                                                         108.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - DAY

A BURNING FLARED-OUT SUN.  The camera pans down to SF!papyrus DRIVING THE WRECKED WHALE.  A piece of the fence flies out of the back seat as he takes a bump.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            There was only one road back to L.A.            US Interstate 15, just a flat-out            high speed burn through Baker and            Barstow and Berdoo, then on to the            Hollywood Freeway straight into            frantic oblivion: safety, obscurity,            just another freak in the Freak            Kingdom.

SF!papyrus sees THE HARDWARE BARN, A RUSTIC OLD FARM BUILDING facing the road with a single gas pump outside and a neon sign that flashes beer.

                        SF!papyrus            Ahhh.  Wonderful.

SF!papyrus PULLS OFF THE ROAD and parks.  Gets out and walks in.

INT. HARDWARE BARN - BAKER, CALIFORNIA - DAY

SF!papyrus enters the DARK, CLUTTERED INTERIOR.  Scattered all about the store are BITS OF AMERICANA... OLD BARRELS, WAGON WHEELS, WOODEN YOKES.  A STUFFED HORSE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS.  The sunlight shafts through high windows.  AN OLD MAN is repairing an iron pot-bellied stove near the wooden bar.  A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING... ONLY REAL.

                        PROPRIETOR            What'll you have?

SF!papyrus can't quite believe this place -- too good to be true.

                        SF!papyrus                   (doubtfully)            Ballantine Ale...?

THE PROPRIETOR serves the ale up ice cold.  SF!papyrus SMILES AND RELAXES.

                        SF!papyrus            Hard to find it served like this            anymore.

As he drinks, SF!papyrus toys with a rack of key chains -- LITTLE AMERICAN ICONS... A REMINGTON COWBOY, A BUGS BUNNY, A TWEETY PIE, BETTY BOOP, A BASEBALL PLAYER.  The logo on the rack reads: AMERICAN DREAM KEY RINGS.

                                                         109.

                        PROPRIETOR            Where ya comin' from, young man?

                        SF!papyrus            Las Vegas.

                        PROPRIETOR            A great town, that Vegas.  I bet            you had good luck there.  You're            the type.

                        SF!papyrus            I know.  I'm a triple Scorpio.

                        PROPRIETOR                   (trustingly)            That's a fine combination.  You            can't lose.

A LOVELY GIRL appears.  Seeing SF!papyrus, she smiles.  CAN THIS REALLY BE HIS LUCKY DAY?  She approaches him... and... KISSES THE PROPRIETOR.

                        SF!papyrus                   (caught off guard... muttering)            Oh, my God!...

                        PROPRIETOR                   (not understanding)            This is my granddaughter...

                        SF!papyrus                   (recovering)            Don't worry...                   (leans forward in confidence)            ... and I'm actually the District            Attorney from Ignoto County.                   (winks)            Just another good American like            yourself.

A MOMENT.  THE PROPRIETOR'S SMILE DISAPPEARS.

Wordlessly the PROPRIETOR and his GRANDDAUGHTER go to the back of the store -- GET ON WITH THEIR WORK -- IGNORING SF!papyrus.

WHO FEELS ASHAMED.

SF!papyrus puts some money down on the bar and SLOWLY LEAVES.

EXT. HARDWARE BARN - DAY

A CHASTENED SF!papyrus approaches the vomit streaked WHITE WHALE. Gets in -- sits there -- deflated -- miserable...

                                                         110.

A state bus draws up across from the Hardware Barn.

Somberly, SF!papyrus watches as TWO YOUNG MARINES with duffel bags step off -- chatting like TRUE BROTHERS...

SF!papyrus switches on the ignition.  Something rolls off the trembling dash... SF!papyrus catches it...

ONE SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AMYL CAPSULE...

SF!papyrus CRACKS THE AMYL -- INHALES.  THE RUSH MAKES HIM GASP -- TEETH BARED LIKE A MADMAN.

                        SF!papyrus            HOLY SHIT!!!

SF!papyrus GUNS THE ENGINE with a laugh -- leans out -- YELLS AT THE MARINES.

                        SF!papyrus            GOD'S MERCY ON YOU SWINE!

SF!papyrus ROARS AWAY.  AN AMERICAN FLAG FLIES UP FROM THE DEBRIS IN THE BACK SEAT, MADLY UNFURLING ITSELF AS IT SNAGS ON THE CONVERTIBLE-TOP FRAME OF THE TRASHED WHITE WHALE!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

The TWO MARINES look after him CONFUSED.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY

SF!papyrus drives fast -- TEETH GRITTED IN FROZEN ECSTASY!!

SF!papyrus CRANKS UP THE TAPE RECORDER.

                        SF!papyrus (V/O)            My heart was filled with joy.  I            felt like a monster reincarnation            of Horatio Alger... a man on the            move... and just sick enough to be            totally confident.

The WHITE WHALE WIPES THE SCREEN BLACK.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

                            END