#and i was constantly being tormented by voices and seeing scary things and my delusions and paranoia and having panic attacks

[clowngremlin]

basically made dinner all by myself today (older brother only seasoned our chicken breasts and i did the rest of everything)......i cooked raw meat which is something i don't do very often and was worried about, but everything turned out great!!! i also did my laundry today, took the dog for a walk and fed him and have been on top of making sure his water dish is always full, loaded the dishwasher with dirty dishes (idk how to turn it on, i'm gonna ask my dad how to do it when he gets home so i can begin to do it by myself!), did some drawing, wrote in my journal, and pulled myself out of a depressive spiral i was having earlier in the day!!!! really beating the "spencer can't take care of himself or do anything ever" allegations......

[nya-crow-lepsy]

Thinking about my post a little bit back about feeling susceptible to delusions and trying to purposefully induce one tbh i've been kind of experimenting with states of what I call "generalized psychosis" where i feel this kind of openness to psychotic experiences (kinda like generalized anxiety when it’s nonspecific and often ends up bouncing from worry to worry?), and try to purposefully steer it in a helpful or interesting direction to see what control I might actually have over my own mind and over what I feel are not inherently bad neurodivergencies.  Like, culture has been proven to play a part in the ways that people talk about, categorize, and deal with things like experiences labeled psychotic. And while I can’t make generalizations and say this is The Answer to all the problems being on the psychosis-spec can bring, I have seen people talk about how not seeing their hallucinations and voices as always bad and scary and tormenting them for no reason and instead listening to what they might be actually indicating (like a voice telling you bad things will happen if you leave the house being your mind’s way of expressing that you’re nervous about something outside the home like a meeting?) or trying to make peace with them or understand them.  I’ve personally had some positive hallucinations in my life. Once I even hallucinated the presence of a woman who real-time helped me when i was having a flashback.  Plus there’s always the point of like. If non-psychotics get to take drugs that induce psychosis in order to have deeply meaningful or fun experiences, why can’t I try to purposefully train my mind to experience meaningful natural psychosis? Idk this was a big long ramble but it’s food for thought from someone who feels like psychosis is a naturally occurring neurodivergent experience and can be cultivated into a gift. Or at least something that’s not entirely unpredictable and hard-to-understand and constantly stressful. Not everyone has to like it, I just think it could be easier to deal with if there was something in the way of acceptance of it.  If anyone else has experience doing this or thinks about these kinds of things or wants to talk about these kinds of things I’d be interested.

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