#and if i ate an actually fulfilling amount i'd be shamed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

coffee-bat · 10 months

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the very specific kind of food insecurity(?i hope that's the correct term) where the things you enjoy were always either withheld from you, accessible rarely or taken away after giving you a small bit that leaves you unhappy, so now that you're an adult and home alone/in a situation where noone will know, you buy/make unrealistic amounts of those things and binge until you feel sick because you don't know when your next opportunity to have something you actually like will be

#is this. a thing for anyone else #i feel like it's very specifically an autistic picky eater thing bc. there's just few foods i really enjoy and all the rest i was just-#-forced to eat my whole childhood despite hating them #and the foods i enjoy were very rare #not even because they're unhealthy. i'm speaking about shit like spaghetti. i often feel like my parents intentionally withheld things-#-i like from me #when there was food i hated there was always a lot pressure to eat it. but when it was something i enjoyed i'd get a small plate then-#-refused any more #and if i ate an actually fulfilling amount i'd be shamed #not to mention my chips situation. my whole childhood it'd be 1 pack allowed per month so i had to learn to 'save' them #and now buy at every opportunity and hide in my room out of shame #there was just always a lot of shame put on me around actually enjoying food ://#personal #vent #eating disorder cw #i guess????#binging mention #this also kind of applies to alcohol for me in a weird way #not because i'm actually an alcoholic or have a need for the substance #more like 'i don't know when my next opportunity to have this thing i like in a satisfactory amount will be'. again #idk sorry for the vent. i've just been getting more aware of why i do weird shit

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