#and im very gay for her and her gray streak

[astreakofgay]

just a streak 👌🏻

Just enough. Just a pinch of gay. Enough to be noticeable but not enough to take over my life or anything 

(yes it has)

[wildbedhead]

POST

The only place I could come out as: gay, lesbian, ftm-ish trans, nonbinary fem. This is an expression of myself and what I’m finding.

I would like to have a dick! And a beard! In a lot of ways the spirit side of myself expresses masc in these ways.

If you see my form, I am alt fem, always in blooming of exploring different aspects of me.

If I was without form, I would be just as masc as I am fem, just as gay as I am les, just as endowed as I am endowed lol but like double and both and everything.

In sexual terms, my attraction is varied and widespread. I really like people who have realized this wholeness of themselves, (mtf, keep the dick, build the vag, stroke the clit, find the gray areas and the inbetweens)

I like those who have that je ne sais quoi. There’s a streak for Frank n Furter in me, for Freddie Mercury, for those dreams.

I like queer & cis presenting men, but I don’t fit in there! There is a dissonance with my presentation that codes me as not desirable by a gay man and desirable only as fem by cis men.

This is a tragedy.

It has often hurt me.

So whole parts of my being left un attended.

I’d like to be loved by women, with vags and dicks, like taken care of loved, like see you in a couple weeks and theres trust in safety loved. Like badass fem crew of all kinds (and masc too, but I’m really having a battle of horns with toxic masc rn!!!)

I don’t do d/lg. Been there. Fuck that.

I’m like a fairy and a knight and a palladin, like a person happy with the shelter of a warm house while perfectly at home in nature.

I am a land of the in betweens.

I try to balance here, and so it seems im succeeding.

I want to acknowledge that expressing myself has not always been easy, and at times feels dangerous.

I am safe, I am happy, I am loved.

Even if its mostly and most truly by me.

Deeply.

Deeply in love with myself and others congenially.

Deconstructing the norms that have worn me.

I would like to be free from weary, and instead to superscede the binary.

Its important to me.

I can talk about crossovers in identity, but can you understand, the clit is the part of me i want you to milk? I want you to kiss me all over, not focus on my nippies. I want you to see, here is a person with a very complex beingness and identity.

I want to be loved and very softly dommed playfully. My aching heart has been through so much abuse at the hands of cis men trying to express themselves sexually that its scarred me,

So please

Lay me down softly

Breathe into me

All you want to be with me

Because i have a deep understanding of the heres and theres

The inbetweens

That make me me

But they still need exploring

And caring

From someone who wants to taste the waters and dive in her waves.

She, he, they, we. Its more than a sentence, its poetry. And around again the order changes as lines are blurred and rearranges the sense of he, she, me.

Something yet to be discovered, unearthed, unbounded, something to be seen.

#blissfulreflections #alloftheabove #queertheory #queeraf #lotstothinkabout #trans (I was assigned f at birth! This is not inclusive of the wholeness of me) #selfdiscovery #communication #community #delightfulsprite #wingedthing #secretsacredoffering #holyand strange in this world full of games.

[megsblackfirewrites]

The Beginning of a Legacy: Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Joel watched his kids squirm behind Muhammad as he stepped out of the Jeep. He gave his bags a toss a short distance away to a waiting scout and knelt down. Vanessa broke free of the caretakers first, streaking across the ground like a falcon, and throwing herself into his arms.

“Pa!” she sobbed as she hugged him tightly. “You’re back! You’re back! I missed you so much!”

“Ssh,” Joel soothed as he hugged her close and kissed the top of her head. “Oh, Birdie, I missed you too.”

She whimpered and sobbed into his chest, burrowing in against the skin showing above his shirt. He ran his hand soothingly over her back as he stood up, cooing and kissing her cheeks as he headed for his sons. Tommy was holding Jesse’s hand, his chin tipped up to put on a brave face. Only eleven and trying so hard to be older. Fucking war.

“Hey, Tommy,” Joel smiled as he hugged his son close. “I’m home. You don’t gotta be the man of the family anymore.”

Tommy’s face crumbled and he hid his face in Joel’s stomach, hiccupping and sobbing. Jesse’s face screwed up before he started bawling too, but Joel knew instinctively that Jesse was crying because his siblings were and not because he was overwhelmed. That was good at least; Jesse was still too young to really understand what was going on.

“Ssh,” Joel soothed as he knelt down and hugged his three kids close. “It’s okay, Pa’s here.”

His kids whimpered against him as the rest of the town starts returning to their regular duties, content in knowing that one of their own had finally returned. He stood up slowly, lifting Jesse up into his arms and settling him on his hip. Tommy claimed his free hand and Vanessa held on tightly to his belt, tugging it nervously.

“We can’t go home,” she blurted out. “Ham won’t let us.”

“Why not?” he asked as he glared at Muhammed.

“There’s...been a development,” Muhammed sighed. “We have reason to believe that Katie has been physically and mentally abusive to Tommy and Vanessa.”

Joel’s blood ran cold in his veins before he pulled his kids closer to him. Vanessa whimpered against his hip, hugging his waist tightly as Tommy tightened his grip on Joel’s hand. He looked down at his two terrified kids and narrowed his eyes.

“Is this true?” he asked.

Vanessa nodded and rubbed at her left eye. “Ma hit me because I was being bad, but she hit really hard.”

“Jesse’s the only one she doesn’t hurt,” Tommy agreed. “Because a baby can’t be bad.”

Joel held his kids close and let out a long growl. “Y’ain’t bad kids,” he said. “Yer mouthy and opinionated, but that’s because ya learned from yer old man. Come on; show yer Pa where y’all’ve been stayin’. I want ya to get settled and enjoy my time home.”

“With Tammy,” Tommy said with a shy smile. “Jack has a cold, so he wasn’t allowed to come see you.”

“A cold or a flu?” Joel frowned.

“He’s not throwing up, so Tammy says it’s a cold,” Vanessa chirped as she trotted ahead of him. “How long’re you here for, Pa?”

“Couple of weeks until my ribs aren’t so tender,” he smiled. “We’ll have lots of fun, kiddos, don’t you worry.”

“Okay,” she grinned widely. “Wait’ll you see what Tommy built from an old tractor motor! It’s so cool!”

                                                      ***

“This is so cool!” Vanessa squealed as she held the carefully carved handle in her hand. “And you’ll get me a blade for it when I’m older?”

“Yup,” Joel smiled as he bounced Jesse on his knee. “Now, you make sure to say thank-you to Miss Miyu when you meet her. She took a long while to carve those hummingbirds for you.”

“I will,” she promised as she held the handle like it was made of glass. “What’d you get, Tommy?”

Tommy grinned and held up the accelerating sphere that Torbjörn had put together for him. “Dr. Lindholm says it’ll help me with that engine I’m workin’ on. He’s so cool, Pa!”

“Fer a man that’s barely four feet tall, he has a lot of fire in ‘im,” Joel laughed. “Probably one of the smartest men I know.”

“I can’t wait to meet him!” Tommy grinned before he looked at Jesse. “Uh, should he be chewin’ on that, Pa?”

“Hmm?” Joel asked as he looked down at Jesse.

Jesse had the ear of his new coyote plushie in his mouth and was sucking on it. Jesse looked up at him in confusion and continued sucking on the ear, completely unfazed by Tommy’s concern. Joel chuckled and nuzzled his son’s hair.

“Nah, he’s fine,” Joel said. “It’s all safe material. Perfect for little teething babies.”

Jesse smiled and hugged the incredibly soft toy to his chest. He was incredibly relieved that his kids enjoyed their presents; he’d been worried that they’d changed too much while he was gone. Joel glanced over at Jack and smiled. He was staring at the toy eye-piece in his hand, turning it slowly one way and then the other. John had taken great care to find one similar to the one he wore so that Jack didn’t feel quite so alone.

“What’cha think, Jackie?” Joel asked.

“Dad said it’s like his,” Jack whispered. “Is that true?”

“Well, his is bigger and is a lot more high-tech, but it’s pretty close,” Joel chuckled. “Come’re and let me help you put it on.”

Jack hurried over and offered Joel the toy. He got it hooked onto Jack’s ear and flipped the blue piece of clear plastic over his eye. Jack grinned as he puffed his chest out and giggled.

“Do I look like Daddy?” he asked.

“Very close,” Joel chuckled as he ruffled Jack’s hair. “Yer Pa just has more gray hair.”

Jack giggled and flopped down at Joel’s feet. “Dad’s going to come back and visit too, right?” he asked.

“He wants to; you know how yer Pa is,” Joel sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Gotta make sure everyone else gets a chance to see their loved ones before he let’s himself be happy.”

“I want him to come home,” Jack whispered. “I miss him so much.”

“He misses you too, Jack,” Joel soothed. “Don’t you worry; yer Pa’s workin’ hard to get back to ya. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t think of his little treasure growin’ up without him.”

Jack smiled and rubbed at his eyes. He blinked before jumping to his feet.

“Oh!” he said and grinned. “I want you to bring something back to him, Uncle Joel!”

Before Joel had a chance to remind him that he was going to be here for another few weeks, Jack hurried off towards his room. Tammy chuckled as she brought a tray of fresh vegetables out for them to munch on. Joel thanked her and chomped on a piece of celery while he waited for Jack to return.

“Here!” Jack grinned as he hurried over. He held up a carefully wrapped present and giggled. “So that I don’t forget it later. It’s for my dad.”

Joel took the gift and nodded his head. “I’ll make sure yer Pa gets this, Jackie, don’t you worry about it,” he promised.

Jack grinned wider and hugged Joel’s neck tightly. Joel turned and nuzzled Jack’s cheek, loving the squeal he got from the boy because of his prickly beard.

“Tío!”

Gabriel threw himself into his uncle’s arms as he walked through the door. Felipe caught him around the shoulders and hugged him close, kissing over his curly hair.

“Well, if it isn’t my favourite little ankle-biter,” he teased. “You grew, you little shit.”

“Yup,” Gabriel grinned.

It had only been a few inches, but that was impressive for him. He’d been so short through elementary school and Felipe was always quick to point it out. He loved his uncle to pieces, he really did, but the older he got, the more he realized that Felipe Reyes was mean. Not fist-fighting mean, but he used his words like a weapon, trying to disarm a person with a smile as he said something intended to cut them down.

It was why Mama didn’t like him. It was why Papa’s younger sister didn’t talk to him after marrying a white boy and Felipe insisting on insulting the man every chance he got. It was why Gabriel was nervous about letting his uncle know that he was gay. There was no telling how he would react.

“Hey, Emilo,” Felipe grinned at his brother. “How’s L.A best ballerina?”

“She is fine,” Emilo smirked as he reached out to pull his little brother into a headlock. “The best ballerino is fine too.”

Felipe whined as he was dragged into the living room and thrown playfully onto the couch. He glared at Emilo as he flopped down beside him, but he knew better than to try to wrestle with his bear of a brother. He didn’t stand a chance against Emilo’s strength.

“And how is our favourite queen?” Felipe smiled at Mama.

“Fine,” Mama replied.

“Good, because I need to bitch and I don’t need you ragging on me,” Felipe snorted.

Mama’s eyes darkened, but she didn’t say anything as she went to get some lemonade. She wasn’t out of the room a whole minute before Felipe started growling and insulting his commanding officer.

“Fucker sends his SIC home first over a few cracked ribs,” Felipe growled. “He would have been fine.”

“Better safe than sorry,” Emilo shrugged. “And didn’t you say that he had three kids? Pretty sure that trumps you.”

Felipe glared at him as Mama set the glasses out with the pitcher of lemonade. He didn’t like that notion at all. Felipe, from what Gabe had come to understand, liked to think he was more important than everyone else.

“And if he was injured, it was probably better for him to heal at home than in a hospital room,” Mama agreed.

“Says the mortician,” Felipe snapped.

“Says the medical examiner for the LAPD,” Emilo corrected coldly. “Don’t get pissy with Reina just because she’s right.”

Felipe glared at his brother, but didn’t dare say anything. He had nicked too close to an open wound and he knew that Emilo would retaliate if he pushed too far. He picked up his glass and sipped the lemonade, glaring at the coffee table.

“Those two are probably fucking anyways,” he said after a moment.

“Really?” Reina glared at him. “What gives you that idea?”

“He’s always deferring to McCree,” Felipe snorted. “Never trusts anyone else’s word….”

“So putting faith in his SIC,” Reina shook her head. “That doesn’t mean their lovers.”

“And there isn’t a problem if they are,” Emilo agreed. “Who cares who they love so long as they do their job?”

“What new liberal garbage has been blown up your ass?” Felipe demanded.

“We aren’t discussing politics,” Reina said firmly. “If you want to insult your commanding officer, that’s something you should do on your own time. Don’t bring that negativity into my house.”

“Our house,” Emilo teased gently.

“Don’t you start with me, Mr. Reyes,” Reina shot him a dazzling smile.

Gabriel did his best not to squirm in delight. He wanted something as sweetly happy as what his parents had. Sure, they had arguments and they sometimes they got so heated that Gabriel was afraid something bad was going to happen. But then Papa would say something very softly and Mama would start snorting and laughing and call him a nasty name. Then they would both start laughing and start the argument over like adults.

Gabriel would never forget the lesson his Papa taught him the one time he had stormed out of the house. Gabriel couldn’t remember what they had been fighting over, but Emilo had stormed out of the house and didn’t return for an hour. When he came back, he apologized to Reina, even going so far as to get down on his knees and beg her to forgive him. When Reina assured him that she had forgiven him, he had walked over to Gabriel and knelt down.

“Don’t ever do what I did,” he said softly. “Storming off and slamming the door is no way to handle an argument. That is what a weak person does and I am ashamed that I let my son see me do that. Never do that, Gabriel. If you must leave, got to another room, but do not leave the house. That slamming door means that you are unwilling to work with your partner. Never make them feel the way I just made your Mama feel.”

It was a lesson he planned to remember forever.

“You want to see who I have to deal with?” Felipe demanded as he pulled out his phone. “One second. The fucker actually posed for me.”

He held his phone out and Reina immediately blushed up. She covered her mouth and nose and giggled at the picture of the man saluting playfully as he leaned on a railing. He was beautiful and Gabriel had to fight to keep his own blush from showing. He forced himself to look at more than the Captain’s good looks.

“He looks sad,” he said after a moment.

“What?” Felipe laughed. “What sort of faggy-ass shit is that, Gabi?”

Gabriel glared at him. “Look at his eyes,” he said as he pointed to the picture. “They aren’t fully open and he looks like he hasn’t slept long enough. His smile isn’t reaching his eyes and looks more like a reflex than an actual smile.”

“Since when are you a head-shrink, Gabi?” Felipe laughed harder. “Are you listening to this, Emilo? He’s going to be a liberal arts major at this rate!”

Gabriel fought back tears as his uncle continued to laugh at his observation. Emilo and Reina were glaring at Felipe, but Gabriel was a big boy. He could take care of himself against his uncle.

“Just because you’re too blind to notice someone else’s pain, doesn’t mean I’m wrong for noticing them,” he said as he got to his feet. “Whatever your insecurities are, Tío, you don’t have to be mean to me.”

He turned without a word and left the sitting room. Reina followed him a few minutes later, smiling as she kissed his cheek.

“Good job,” she whispered as she set his lemonade down in front of him. “Your uncle needed to be reminded that you aren’t five anymore. I’m so proud of you, m’ijo.”

Gabriel smiled at her and when his father walked by about twenty minutes later and winked at him, he felt ten feet tall. Standing up to his uncle was definitely worth it!

[maggimjoi-blog]

i feel like i’ve never catalogued all the actual alters i used to have and be when i was a system. before i became Just Maggi. so im gonna try to do that now. but its been such a long time i barely remember.

gree and yell- placeholder names for two fae i dont remember. i think yell was reddish yellow purple or something and gree was greenish purple yellow, but they both were very angry and vicious things that were just. told me things about shit that would eventually happen to me years later.

i sent them away. for about half a year it lasted before other stuff surfaced.

Maki Neko and Notu Hebi- a sharp wiccan cat person and a heavily devout christian/egypt snake individual. they were both from ancient egypt (?) and i dont remember many details about them but they were a pair and balanced each other out. they sort of existed as my only context of understanding religion until i figured out where i stood with it myself, considering i didn’t feel okay with christianity being sort of forced on me from a young age just because it was my moms religion and she converted my dad to it when they got married. but yeah uh kinda placeholder names since i couldnt remember any ancient egyptian for a long time but i did have japanese weeb shit and that was ok for a while. water kitten. i dont remember what notu hebi meant but maki neko was water kitten.

satori- a half fairy with brown hair with purple streaks that always wore 60s hippie stuff and was into new age shit. really into chalkzone shit. eventually just transcended time and space and left to become someone else. came back as miki.

raven corvana- i think they were satori’s mom? or miki’s mom? i dont remember. it was really complicated. they had black hair with white streaks and were literally from hell or something but they were just. a nice mom person. they just wanted to make everything firey hell warm and listened to like. the smooth jazz equivalent of goth music and could literally turn into a raven or a crow or some inbetween. literally some sort of line of grim reaper angel things i dont remember.

miki ishikawa- they/she were a genetic experiment of a vulcan/human/angel? thing. some guy named uh. shit i dont remember his name but he had white hair. tsukimoto! okay it was tsukimoto. he. like. fuckin. i dunno they all came from this fucked up g gundam/evangelion universe i never bothered to learn about but a lot of people (tsukimoto +literal crowley?) decided to try and recreate like. the most ultimate being with some vulcan dna and angel blood and shit and they came out with a tired alcoholic child whos blood was like 90% absinthe after everything was said and done. They told me their real body was in a coma the whole time they were with me/ were me. I felt their original body die when they left which was. really fucked up.

crowley- literally the ...guy? that helped make miki? he was there for like a month or something. i think he knew they were gonna die. so he/they tried to make her/their last months comfortable. Kinda felt like a WD Gaster type. not miki’s actual biodad. miki loved their biodad so much. their biodad was urube ishikawa it was weird i dont know ok.

then uh. after that. well more around that time i guess. i (the host? i guess? i never really had an identity for Myself at this point, before then i was kinda like an observer overseeing everything and never had a Self Identity until this point) but yeah i watched. Kingdom Hospital.

i watched kingdom hospital and. well. my memories came back in pieces before they came all at once so. i ended up in a really abusive relationship with the person that abused me from my previous life bc i couldnt remember what they did to me and shit was. Bad. Feels Bad Scoob.

but yeah

Mary Jensen- me but like. small and long hair. i had a lobotomy and shit because i was havin that Sleepin Sickness. i literally had trouble sleeping ever and couldnt really dream i mean. to his credit gottreich thought it would help but. yeah literally stabbing the hippocampus probably made it worse. did not help with the literal satan anteater that was using me as some sort of horrific puppet for his bullshit.

Paul Morlock- me but taller and short wavy bob hair. i was super cute and loved suspenders and was a very gay and spent all of my time in the 1930s gay community as the Smallest Boy everyone loved to be my parent even though no one had money and i worked like a motherfucker. a lot of the terminology we used back then were. some pretty shitty slurs nowadays but back then you used them to weed out who was part of the gay community and who wasnt. i must have sounded like a Grade A Prime Asshole when i fronted as paul-me. i wore lots of gray and slept in a large fish tank because sault water protected me from literal anteater satan. i had to protect ghost-mary-me from a lot of shit all the time and it was. Bad.

we coexisted with miki for a while as a sort of girl/neuter/boy system where mary was my representation of being a girl and paul was being a boy and miki was being neither even tho they used she pronouns out of convenience

but like. gender is racist bullshit? and i guess that wasnt gonna last very long because after that i remembered LEaving the hospital afterlife to try and escape before i came Here.

so now im Just Maggi Mjoi Anders

but like. see Mary had a backstory before kingdom hospital so its really like

my life as Maggi Mjoi was. we all lived in this facility and shit and it was me but like. i was both mary and paul because it was a spiral timeline and i just sorta. stopped being two different timelines and became one timeline. cause like. if you die and youre a ghost but you reincarnate? youre still a ghost? the previous You’s electric wavelength is just there and you can interact with it the next go around so when you die the next time its just Newer Different you??? i dunno

but yeah i sorta combined myself into Maggi real nice and it just fit nice being a weird agender masc legwarmer wearing boots wearing suspender wearing hat wearing loser that looked like a walking Autumn advertisement.

but like? i started Separating again so like. sometimes im Me but sometimes im just Maggi/Magdi/Mar/Anders or sometimes im just Andy/Pal/Anders/Paully. It’s suck trying to maintain any sort of progress with the amount of ptsd flashbacks i get at random with no predictability so it just. gets a lot to handle as one person.

i just felt like writing this for myself so please dont comment unless you have something nice to say or you feel like you remember me or a previous me or something.