#and in this spiraling recursion i fail to grasp a concept of a future for myself. its a close minded misery
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Constantly caught in a tug-of-war between indulgent presence and running away from my own life
#i feel like a walking contradiction (an improvement my from my autofill tag of feeling like a walking corpse. but still)#no matter how much i learn and grow i keep trying to get away from myself#like knowing things never helps me bc i wont take my own advice#and this manifests by constantly procrastinating b4 scrambling to make progress only to bury myself in shame bc of it.#restarting the cycle#and what grounds me 2 myself is speaking to another person. but the ppl in my realspace think of me divorced from my identity#and any outward expression of myself vivisects me 15 different ways*#and then I'll bury myself alive till its time to give or output#and in this spiraling recursion i fail to grasp a concept of a future for myself. its a close minded misery#tldr: a deterministic fear dominates my life#*i have 15 sideblogs but only 12 active ones. any sense of presentation i have only shows bc i flatten myself
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