#and it's easier to just back away and decide i'm an abomination or whatever

[furiousgoldfish]

Speaking from a bad place, so bear with me. Has anyone thought about how being important or special to other people is based just on the people closest to you?

We regard strangers as people who are fairly irrelevant to us, because they have little to no impact to our life, and their lives and struggles won't generally touch us. In contrast, lives of people directly around us have a great impact on us, and they decide our relevancy. We give them roles in our lives, like friends, mentors, partners, lovers, caretakers, and in that regard they're special to us, irreplaceable. We also want to have an equally strong meaning in their life, to have a warm place in their heart and respect in their minds, as they do for us.

When people around us who hold great relevancy for us, also give us that same relevancy back, we feel important, we know we're special to them. That our role in their life shapes their experience, gives them gratitude and they've accepted us as someone they want and need around.

In contrast to that, when people in our life refuse to give us that same respect, warmth and relevancy, then we wonder what is wrong with us. What is missing so we can't be appreciated and regarded with the same love and respect that we show to them. Lack of mutuality makes us sink down with insecurity, self doubt and deep feeling that we're not enough, that we've done something wrong, not to deserve the same that we give to others.

And it also works out the same in isolation, if you have no one close to you, no one who has your well being in mind or cares for what becomes of you, it feels like you're important to no one, like you are not special whatsoever, even like you could be disposable if nobody cares at all.

But none of that is based on what's inside of us, who we are or how much love and good we are capable of giving and showing. It's nothing even related to our behaviour and actions, you could put anyone in these situations and results would be generally similar; person who is not experiencing reciprocity, or is left to fend for themselves alone, will lose the feeling that they're important or special in any way.

Isn't that weird? That we can end up judging our own worth based on nothing we did, or nothing we are, just based on how people around us are treating us, or whether we have anyone around us at all. In our essence we didn't change at all, it's just who is or isn't around, that determines our worth.

If we're put in a group of people who want to create bonds based on good things they see in us, we'll become able of seeing that good in ourselves. If we're surrounded by people who all feel the same as we do, act on the same moral code, readily reciprocate respect and warmth that we show to them, we won't feel like anything is wrong with us. We'll feel at home.

And since this is so intrinsic to being a person, to long for this and only feel relevant, safe and cared for in these circumstances, isn't it natural that we all deserve that? To be surrounded by people who make us feel like nothing is wrong with us, and like we're at home? Who help us focus on everything good in us, and give us no reasons to believe that we should be rejected or banished at all? Since abuse did the absolute opposite, and forced us to believe there's only reasons for abandonment, hatred and contempt, I believe being in the environment where people see many reasons to want us in their lives, would heal us.

[a-trying-writer]

(short original written on my phone. Cont of my last short.)

The Culling went rather well today. The amount of abominations had lessened quite a bit, which means that the hunters could rest a while without worrying about a sudden raid of monsters that would lead to countless deaths. While some of the hunters were gravely injured, those that had survived decided to catch a break in the lounge room and eat lunch.

But the assistant had a much more important task to do. "Joel," he called out to his coworker as they stepped into the room, "I got a favor to ask."

It didn't take much of a guess for Joel, as he fished out a lighter from his uniform pocket. "I got you, buddy. Want a new cigarette packet too?"

The assistant shook his head as he tucked it away into his own pocket. "I'm good thanks."

Joel let out a hearty laugh. "Then we are even, right?"

"Yeah."

"That's good. Glad to be able to help you out again, bud. But the way, how many did you kill today?"

The assistant paused to think back on his kills. Not counting the two headed ones as separate beings, it would at least be five in total. Once he told this to Joel, he perked a brow at his colleague.

"That much? Really? Come on, man, I know you can kill more than that."

"I am not doing it to earn a higher rank" the assistant said with a shrug. "I already got enough of my plate thanks to one of our superiors."

Joel sighed as he sat down on the couch, where a few of the other coworkers sat too. He gave them high fives in celebration of living another day before turning back to the assistant. "But you could do better. You have the skills for it!"

"But I really don't care," the assistant replied. "I'm fine with how things are for me now."

"Says the man who has a 'favorite patient'," someone spoke on the other side of the lounge room.

Joel huffed as both he and the assistant turned to them. "He didn't ask for that," Joel said in defense, which the assistant nodded in agreement. "Sometimes we are assigned to one of them as a special case. His patient is one of those people that got the operation that makes them very hard to kill."

"Yeah right. It just makes it easier for this guy to get out of the Culling where he doesn't have to risk his life! He is probably one of the superiors favorites!"

"I beg to differ," the assistant spoke up, sounding even more exhausted than usual.

"You are such a show off! You could cull several monsters, sure, but you only do it because some of us can't reach that much! Even with the small ones!"

The assistant simply took in a deep breath, finding this person more annoying than anything. He turned to Joel to give his colleague a brief nod, before heading out the door, with the other person yelling out various insults. Is this envy, he wondered? Well, whatever it is, he doesn't have the energy to waste on such silly arguments.