furiousgoldfish - Tumblr blog

[furiousgoldfish]

As a person who spends a lot of time lying down and rarely does any kind of activities, I come off as someone who's taking a lot of 'me' time, or a lot of 'resting' time. However I have to assert that any time I spend recovering from an activity is not 'me time' or 'resting time', it's the time that is stolen from me. I can't do anything with this time. I am in pain, I can't move, my activities are limited to 'hopelessly distracting myself so that I do not experience the full horror of what's going on in my body right now'. I don't even get to have 'me time' because of how much of the time is stolen from me.

[furiousgoldfish]

abuser: what do you mean I abused you? Am I not the most special person on the planet? Should I not get to do this, at least? You should feel honoured you were picked for this!

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents will go 'Oh yeah? Well I had it worse! My parents were bad!' and it's like, Oh? We can acknowledge that your parents were bad? You can say that? You can say they treated you very badly? You know this and are aware of this?

And yet, when raising your own child, you used their methods and decided that you are the victim here? That it's okay because they've done it 'worse'? You're comfortable telling your children that they're paying for however you've been treated, and that you specifically had your children to expose them to all of the bad things that happened to you? The world feels fair to you if your own children are suffering? That's where you take your power?

Your parents were bad and you know this, so you went ahead and became a bad parent on purpose, and you're thinking you're the victim in all this?

[furiousgoldfish]

When you're a small child, your abusive parents seem omnipotent to you. They are the highest authority you've known, they know everything and can do anything, mostly including hurting you if you don't do as you are told. They make you believe that they can read your mind and know your thoughts, and that they're impossible to escape from, they'll follow you to the ends of earth and drag you back into their house.

It's normal for small children, with no point of reference, to believe their parents omnipotent, but as they grow up, learn how things work in life, find references to how children are made and raised and what parents are responsible for - they grow out of it. They start to understand the limitations of parents, and often make use of them. They know that parents can't do or know everything, they can keep secrets, tell their little white lies, and they're not intimidated by parents because parents are not a threat to them, but figures of care and safety, people who they can go to when they're in trouble or in need of safety.

Abusive parents, however, work very hard to carry that imposing, omnipotent, oppressive illusion of them deep into adulthood. They will insist that neither you nor any authority or law can control or stop them, if they've decided on something. They'll show you by example, by manipulating people around them, sometimes even people of authority, that no matter what, they'll get their way. They'll want you to feel helpless, powerless and isolated whenever you want to oppose them. They'll manipulate your own point of view, and insist you have to see them in positive light, or else. They'll convince you that even thoughts that they don't approve of, are a sin, and that you could be punished for it. That there's nowhere to run, nobody who would believe you or help you, that you have no other choice but to submit to their will.

They wouldn't be able to impose such illusion on anyone except a child, and then the adult they've been grooming from very early age to believe these things to be eternal truths that cannot be questioned. And this is a part of what makes abusive parents so terrifying; they can go above some authority with the power of manipulation, they can lie their way out of crimes, they can gaslight and convince their victims it's their fault or it didn't happen, they regularly do and get away with this. Anyone watching that unfolding would be in trepidation of them, and hyper-aware of how dangerous these individuals are.

But, they are not omnipotent. They do not know what anyone is thinking. They do not know things outside their little bubble. If you go to a location they don't know of, and nobody can tell them, they cannot find out. They cannot predict your thoughts or actions as well as they try to convince you they can. They cannot change reality, they cannot erase what happened, and they cannot keep you imprisoned against your will your whole life. It is pretty hard on them, actually, to try and keep controlling an adult who has a mind of their own - that's why they're putting so much energy into trying to make their children into people without any thoughts of their own. But that's impossible.

Think about all the times they're really flying into rage, yelling and screaming and convincing you that something is right or wrong for you. How hard they go at changing your mind when you're thinking something that doesn't go to their benefit. Lot of effort on their part just to change your train of thoughts, isn't it? But if they were omnipotent, your thoughts would be no threat to them. If you were simply 'wrong', why would it even matter? An omnipotent being would simply shrug and not care.

They work extremely hard to change what's in your mind, because that's the only way they can keep that illusion of goodness and omnipotence. If you're allowed to think for yourself, to make your own conclusions, to believe your senses and point out what is logical, then their entire charade falls into nothing, it becomes obvious they're nothing but skilled liars and their power of manipulation is how they maintain everything else in life. It also becomes obvious how cruel and immoral their lies are, and how much damage they do to everyone around them.

They don't want you to see the limits because the limits show they're only good at terrifying and brainwashing children, not anything beyond that. You can get away from them to a place they can't follow. You can escape their cruelty and mind control. You can gain freedom. Your thoughts can be your own. You are allowed and able of keeping secrets from them. You can withhold information and opinions from them. You can lie to them. You can deceive them and trick them in order to get away. They have no legal right to you. You do not owe them anything. Their power ends the second they can't find or contact you.

[furiousgoldfish]

After a while of abusing you, the idea that you're a human being becomes a threat to the abusers. It reminds them they did reprehensible and unforgivable crimes against another human being, and then instead of confronting remorse for it, they try to erase your humanity instead. They focus on convincing you that you somehow, are less than other humans, that you deserve this, that you're not good for anything else but this, that you asked for it, wanted it, that you have no human rights, no point of view, no perspective. That you have to take on their perspective of you, their view of how you should be treated. That their horrifying and cruel treatment of you is right and above criticism.

That's how far they go just to escape any consequences of abusing you, and once you believe them, once you feel that you don't deserve any better, they relax in thinking that the consequences will never come. That they can gaslight and brainwash you forever. And then they'll go back to abusing you. The entire scheme exists to enable them to abuse you and never suffer any consequences.

Just because someone manages to convince you that you're not human, doesn't make it true. Their lies cannot erase anyone's humanity. Victims realize what's been done to them when it's gotten too far, and they'll recognize they're dealing with an enemy who is trying to erase their humanity.

[furiousgoldfish]

There was a time, when as a young adult, I'd be reading self-help books, in order to see if I can do something to make my life livable. Sometimes, these books would go very deep into victim blaming, and making a person believe that they can just 'manifest anything', or 'make things happen', and later I trashed all of that nonsense, but as an inexperienced person, I was all up for magical thinking, and taking advice from people who enjoyed making everything a vague concept that one can control with their mind.

Some of these books indeed, touched on parenting, and their philosophy was that parents who are bad, are simply bad because their parents were bad, which is something they love to use as their favourite excuse (i had it worse). But as a young person, how was I to know this was stupid, I believed this. The book went on to encourage the child, to try and be the parent's replacement parent, and to offer them caretaking and parenting they never had in their youth. Now, if you know how child abuse works, you'd recognize this immediately as the encouragement of parentification, making the child responsible for the parent's well being, being the caretaker instead of being taken care of, taking responsibility for the parent's actions and behaviours when the child has absolutely no control or power over it - basically bad. But, how was I to know, right. So I decided to try and take this advice, and try to see; what are my parents lacking, in the form of having their own parents?

This is where things got funny; I analyzed my parents behaviour, and realized very quickly, that what they lack is moral compass, correction of intensely selfish, irresponsible, ignorant and shallow behaviour, and if these were my children I would simply not tolerate that level of malice. My parents weren't lacking in care, they were lacking in discipline. So at that point, I, who had no income, shelter, social power, access to resources, finances, or anything else, thought I was responsible for disciplining my parents and teaching them how to 'not be evil', if I wanted to change them in normal and good people. (Completely normal and possible thing to do.)

And it's not like I had any guidance in how to offer proper 'discipline', all I knew was violence, which I couldn't do for obvious reasons, and the next thing would be scolding, yelling, guilt-tripping, criticism, making them 'feel bad' for 'doing bad things'. And that's exactly what I had decided to do. Next time my father was acting selfish, malicious, shallow and self-obsessed, I dropped him a 'This is why you don't have any friends.' line.

Now I have no idea why, but this actually got to him. He was shocked for a moment, and then started acting defensive. 'I have friends!' he insisted, and then he started listing all of the coworkers he used for his gain in the last week. 'Those are not real friends.' I decided. That had actually gotten him upset. He started listing all the things he did with those people, which were just random work transactions, and it didn't convince me at all.

Looking back, it's funny because I was so low on his hierarchy of people whose opinion mattered, he tried to kill me multiple times, he screamed inhumane slurs and insults at me constantly, he considered me less than a person, less than a thing even, but he was still so offended that anyone in the world could think he had no friends. What I had done is made him worried that his facade and public image of being well-connected and liked wasn't strong enough, and convincing me that he was all those things, was how he thought he'd fix it. He didn't even think for a second that maybe he should fix his malicious and exploitative behaviour, it was all about maintaining an image of being something else.

Obviously he didn't have any friends, because he's a narcissist, and narcissists don't make friends, they keep prisoners. I was a constant thorn in his eye because I could see trough his delusions and would regularly call him out on that, which of course then brought on violence to make me terrified of contradicting him. Because that's how they think reality is generated, if they say something is true, and nobody contradicts them, then that must be the new reality.

Anyway, I didn't try to argue with him on friends again, because it got boring and did nothing to fix his inhumane behaviour, and I didn't like interacting with him anyway. But I still find it very funny that a book that was trying to push abused children into caretaking for their parents, pushed me into trying to punish them for abuse, it was almost Matilda-like in fashion. If I had magic powers I would have changed these people (into people too scared to be evil in front of me).

[furiousgoldfish]

There was one time I naively pulled my mother aside, and very gently explained to her: 'When you call me stupid and incapable, tell me I'll never get a job or make anything out of myself, tell me how shameful my appearance is and ridicule my mental health struggles, that really gets to me. It hurts me and it makes me feel hopeless and devastated.'

She stared at me with suspended laughter and responded 'Well to who else can I say those things but you? They're all true!' And she laughed at me.

And that was the last time I attempted communication of my boundaries. You're the person I am allowed to treat worse than everyone else on the planet, was not what I needed to hear from my mother that day. Communication does not get you anywhere with abusers.

[furiousgoldfish]

TW drowning

I'm getting some flashbacks, so I have to ask. Did anyone else have an experience where their abusive parent held them underwater 'for fun', like a funny little game of trust, but they did it to the point where you believed you were drowning and you were struggling and fighting but they just held you anyway until you almost drowned? And you were convinced you were drowning? And the parent just laughed at you when you're gasping in shock and can't get a breath in?

I've heard of some people's experience of being nearly drowned as a punishment, and that terrifies me, but were there experiences where the abusive parent did it just for their own entertainment?

[furiousgoldfish]

I distinctly remember the times in my young childhood, when I would be somewhere out with my parents in public, and I understood that I was about to have a 'normal' experience. I knew they were unlikely to snap or injure me in a public space, so I'd be allowed to act curious, to walk around, not annoy them with questions, but I could smile and interact with strangers, and they wouldn't get mad. I would liven up and get really happy and try to get the most out of it, one time I even tried to hold my parents hands (I was very small) and they pulled their hands away (I took it too far apparently). I had a great time having those 'normal' experiences, for me they were the only normal I got, and I would hold onto those memories and believe that surely, we were a normal family, I was a child, I had two parents, they were surely taking care of me.

Going home, however, would open up deep dread and sadness inside of me, because I knew things would change as soon as we were inside those 4 walls. They would get mad at me, yell and criticize me, berate me for anything they found annoying earlier, and shout at me until I would be too scared to leave my room. Going home eventually became associated with having a nervous breakdown in the car (silently, of course) and I would be swallowing tears until we reached the house.

I understand now, that the 'normal' times I would get, were the times where they needed to present in public as a normal family, so I was supposed to act like a normal child. I was required to act normal. I understood there was to be zero symptoms of abuse shown in public, and I could not act weird or avoidant, I had to showcase that I was energetic, curious, and happy child.

Since normal and non-hostile family relationship was all I needed, those pretend times seemed real to me, they were essential for me to have a 'normal' experience, to believe that my family is real, that we're okay, that I have parents who to some degree, care about me. Those experiences helped me to believe that. But the spell would be broken as soon as we got home because - my family was abusive. And they felt very free and comfortable to turn back to abuse as soon as we were inside of their house, where they didn't have to pretend they didn't hate me.

If you have experiences with your family that felt good, normal, and like you were getting what you needed for a while - but this spell got broken as soon as you were alone with them, or as soon as they had a bad day, or were frustrated, or angry about something, or as soon as you made a tiny mistake, or annoyed them, there's a chance the normal part was an act to protect their reputation. Good times are not the proof of 'not abusive', they're always there, even the most abusive situation has good times, otherwise nobody would have reason enough to stay.

[furiousgoldfish]

Whenever I see that perfect idealistic depictions of life by popular people online, I don't believe it for a second. I know what life is, it's being consistently overwhelmed by the amount of stuff you have to do, dreading your next activity, endlessly procrastinating and being tired and surrounded by mess. Nothing is going to convince me that life isn't like this for every single person and everyone is just acting they have something else going on.

[furiousgoldfish]

people are way too comfortable being dismissive of children and teenagers. if a toddler comes up to you and starts explaining skibidi toilet lore or if a 13 year old asks you if you want to hear about their mha ocs you have to listen with utmost sincerity or at least pretend to. this is the only way you will get into heaven.

[furiousgoldfish]

After a while of abusing you, the idea that you're a human being becomes a threat to the abusers. It reminds them they did reprehensible and unforgivable crimes against another human being, and then instead of confronting remorse for it, they try to erase your humanity instead. They focus on convincing you that you somehow, are less than other humans, that you deserve this, that you're not good for anything else but this, that you asked for it, wanted it, that you have no human rights, no point of view, no perspective. That you have to take on their perspective of you, their view of how you should be treated. That their horrifying and cruel treatment of you is right and above criticism.

That's how far they go just to escape any consequences of abusing you, and once you believe them, once you feel that you don't deserve any better, they relax in thinking that the consequences will never come. That they can gaslight and brainwash you forever. And then they'll go back to abusing you. The entire scheme exists to enable them to abuse you and never suffer any consequences.

Just because someone manages to convince you that you're not human, doesn't make it true. Their lies cannot erase anyone's humanity. Victims realize what's been done to them when it's gotten too far, and they'll recognize they're dealing with an enemy who is trying to erase their humanity.

[furiousgoldfish]

abuser: what do you mean I abused you? Am I not the most special person on the planet? Should I not get to do this, at least? You should feel honoured you were picked for this!

[furiousgoldfish]

Just wanted to do a poll and see everyone's experience with abuse and how you realised, you were being abused. No shame. Everyone realises differently and that's okay.

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive parent: what do you mean you're not going to do as I say? I didn't ask ANYTHING out of you for the WHOLE DAY!

me, inside my head years later: you neglected me all day and free labour is the prize you feel entitled to?

[furiousgoldfish]

still waiting for someone to find me and say 'Those are not your parents. Your real parents are waiting for you.'

[furiousgoldfish]

as a kid I always thought 'if even my parents don't like me or care about me, how could I expect anyone else to do so' and the worst thing is, I still have the scales tipped that way, I don't feel like I could expect anyone to care about me or like or approve of me or put any effort to contribute to my life, just because of how badly it started off