furiousgoldfish

[furiousgoldfish]

I accidentally discovered something that helps with my psychosomatic pain, I'm not sure if it's problematic, or if it works only specifically for me, but I'm going to tell you what it is and how I came to it, so someone else could try it and tell me if it works or not.

It was on a day I was agitated and distressed, trying to make myself feel better by any means, to the point where I went outside to sit in nature to see if some kind of outside positive stimulation would help (sometimes it helps). It didn't help at all, and I didn't know what to do, so I grabbed a stick and started tapping it around in frustration. This also didn't help, but then I tapped it lightly on my leg. I was at first, worried that I was engaging in some sort of self harm, because this is the situation that could trigger that sort of thing, and I did experience being hit on my legs in the past, so I spent good 5 minutes analyzing what I just did and trying to figure out if it was wrong of me or not.

After just a few seconds of tapping my leg in different spots, I started feeling different; my leg got all relaxed and started buzzing, like a very pleasant buzz that made me feel better. Again it was extremely light tapping, no pain of any sort! Barely noticeable stimulation. But the psychosomatic pain in my leg went away and was replaced by the pleasant buzz. It made me wonder if maybe my body is so understimulated that a light tapping is very welcome and makes it feel less neglected.

Later on I tried doing it on my arms as well, same result, pain is gone, pleasant buzz, I felt better immediately. It works so well it can change my mood from dread to pleasant curiosity. It's also simple enough that I don't have to talk myself into it, if I can grab a plant stem to tap with, I can do it. Maybe it's a form of grounding, it reminds me that my limbs are there? I have no idea.

I would love to hear any opinions on this, could it be problematic and harmful even if there's no pain at all, and does it work for anyone else or whether it's me-specific? I am suspicious that I might just be doing something trauma related. But I am appreciative to have a method to immediately feel better, there are times I need to get up and do things and this allows me to remove the pain quickly. I haven't had any side effects either, I don't feel worse later.

[furiousgoldfish]

When I was younger thought that gaslighting was just a guilt-ridden 'I wish it hadn't happened like it did' kind of plea, like please let's pretend this didn't happen, please just play along. For instance, when you call abusers out on something they said, and they quickly go 'I never said that', I would perceive it almost as desperation, as if they they wish they hadn't said that, and like they felt so unbearably guilty they couldn't even face what they did. So I would let it go and assume they're sorry and they understood that it was wrong, that's why they'd prefer to pretend it never happened, and they're on some deep level begging me to also pretend it didn't, because it was a mistake and they know this.

I realized this perception was way off only later, when not only would these incidents repeat time after time, but they would be weaponized against me. I was not to recally any past event that made them look bad, but they could, if they needed to trigger me. They could remind me of 'what they could do to me if I acted this way, don't I remember what happened the last time'? That wasn't a guilt-ridden rememberance of something they felt deeply ashamed about, that was recalling something they were proud of and smug about; they enjoyed the power it gave them over me.

But I was still unsure. After all, during the moments of being triggered is not when you're going to figure something important out; that's when you're on your most distressed, confused, emotional, unable to make sense of anything that's going on, and abusers count on that, they count on you being too grief stricken and shocked to be able to process what they just did to you. And once you calm down you're supposed to just be grateful it's over. So I couldn't tell what was going on, their intentions oscillating between shame and power trip were a mystery to me.

Finally I understood one day, when I was more alert, more focused on analyzing the abuser's actions rather than mine, as I watched them violently break a piece of furniture. They did it in a 'fit of rage' after they didn't get their way in a situation where they had no right to demand it. Naturally everyone who witnessed this was shocked, scared, timid, anxious and only wanted for things to calm down. So the abuser got their way, and the piece of furniture remained broken for everyone to look at in the foreseeable future; so everyone would remember what happens if the abuser isn't obeyed.

At a later time, the abuser was in a good mood, so everyone was allowed to have a good time and relax for the time being. Guests were in, jokes were made, I was asked to bring something to them, and I scrambled to get past the broken piece of furniture in order to do it. 'Maybe if YOU didn't break that, it would look better in here!' the abuser said to me. And I stopped dead in my tracks. They changed it to me breaking it. They not only revised the story into 'I never did that' or 'let's pretend this didn't happen' but to 'You did that'. After I watched them do it. I knew then this was not an act of guilt or shame, or even projection. This was the 'I decide what happened.'

They knew they broke this. They were telling everyone that I was the violent one in the family, with the proof of what they did directly in front of us. You could argue that this isn't gaslighting, just lying, but the anger they threw at me for 'breaking it' was real; it was not just 'you broke this' but 'how dare you fucking break this, look what you did'. It was disarming and startling, I couldn't even respond, I just left.

I had to sit down and replay the entire scene of them breaking in my mind, it to remind myself that it certainly wasn't me. I was so often gaslit that I'd have to rethink and re-analyze every event to scramble for the bits of truth. If you're catching yourself having thoughts like: 'am I crazy? Did I actually somehow do this without realizing? Did this actually happen? Why can't I figure out what's real?' then you're dealing with gaslighting. I was stuck in that stage for a few moments, but then I caught on what was going on; I was to believe the abuser convinced themselves that I broke this. I was to believe they were so unstable and losing touch with reality to the point where they genuinely didn't know it was them. It was bullshit. This was deliberate. They left that furniture out on purpose, if they felt bad about breaking it for a second, they would have replaced it. They would have to look at the reminder of their shame every day it was there, if they felt bad. They felt proud of doing that. They felt proud of blaming me. They enjoyed having both the power of terrorizing their family members, and shifting blame to avoid any kind of consequences. It's a scheme. This person hasn't felt bad for one thing they did during their entire life. All of it was done to gain power and control.

I never fought them on this, despite knowing I was taking the fall for their actions. Confronting abusers on gaslighting is too dangerous, and they are likely to double down and break another thing, or you, to get their way. But I remembered what I've learned, and used it to analyze their behaviour further. I never again thought gaslighting was done out of guilt or shame over what had transpired, and what they did in a moment of 'rage'. It was all controlled. They knew exactly what they were doing, down to how they'll evade blame for it later. Every act of gaslighting is done in contempt and hatred. If they felt guilty, what you would get from them is an apology, cleaning the mess, making it up to you, and begging for forgiveness, which you would not have to give pressured by terror. Revising it and blaming it on you is them getting away with it and feeling proud of the crime they committed.

[furiousgoldfish]

When people hear stories about abuse, they often get fascinated and interested in the abuser, and the 'mystery' behind their behaviour. They'll want to analyze what happened to this person to make them act in such twisted and sadistic ways, and they want to find the past event or past abuse that would 'explain it all'. Abusers will also, very happily recount the past abuse whenever it's time to explain away their behaviour, so nobody could hold them accountable, because after all, they had had it rough! Of course they're now abusive, it's only natural.

Fascination with explaining away abuser's behaviour often leaves victim's situation forgotten and ignored. Victims are supposed to just 'get over it', not be so sensitive, and be careful to not turn into abusers themselves, because after all, being abused means you become an abuser, according to the abuser. Except it doesn't, and victims often don't end up abusing anyone else, especially not in the horrific ways they themselves have been abused. So we're having two opposing stories: one is told by the abuser, and it's easy, simple, explains everything away, and it says, abuse causes future abusers, I am the proof, I was abused and now I am like this. Victim's story goes: I was abused, and now I struggle to function, I have cptsd, I have flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety, eating disorder. I struggle with suicidal feelings and wishing I didn't exist. I feel like I'm not important at all in this world and like I have no community, no family, no home. Failure of everyone to help me while I was being abused caused me to feel like an outcast from society, someone who isn't a part of it, who doesn't matter. I would never do this to another person, I feel like a part of me was torn away into pieces and I struggle to put myself back together.

Now that story is complex, it implicates the society in failing to stop the abuse and making the victim's life worse, it showcases the actual consequences of abuse, which are not 'becoming evil', but feeling ultimately traumatized and damaged, struggling to find joy and happiness in life in the aftermath. Society doesn't want to hear that; it makes abuse into a problem that should collectively be dealt with, rather than pushing it all onto individuals who find themselves trapped in it and suffering. It's much easier to pretend that abuse just makes someone abusive, and for people who are abusive, we need to feel sorry for, because they were 'made to be like this', and for those abused, we just need to shame them and control them so they don't become abusive themselves.

There are abusers who have lived privileged lives, there are abusers who have been spoiled and rewarded for their acts of abuse. Most abusers don't show the symptoms of trauma nearly as bad as the victims of abuse do, they're most often just having the symptoms of 'I lash out my anger on those who cannot defend themselves' and 'everyone needs to feel sorry for me because I am having the roughest time on the planet'. Weird how the victims almost never develop these two symptoms! Victims will go and compare their situation to everyone who has it worse, and will struggle to express or direct anger at anything. 

So what is the actual source of abuse, if not past trauma? There's no study or statistics that can tell us that for sure, and abusers are careful to maintain their story and are not interested in being studied past what makes people feel bad for them. I would guess that it's a mix of entitlement, being in a position of power over someone vulnerable, never having to develop empathy or compassion, being rewarded continuously for acts of abuse, and social influence (admiring other abusers and wanting the power they have). A lot of social structures support and enable abuse of those who are at the very bottom of it, with very few protections against it. A lot of people believe it's their right to abuse someone if they have the power over that person, and gain power specifically for that cause. Abusers will have children and believe this is their property and they can do whatever they please with it, abuse being a part of it.

If we don't know where abuse comes from, how do we combat it? I don't believe in feeling sorry for the abusers or giving them endless attention, chances, excuses and rationalizations; instead I believe we should stand firm on the fact that abuse is inexcusable, and will have consequences, regardless of how it came into their behaviour. If abuse always had consequences, regardless of the history of the abuser, they would know they can't get away with it, that they can't later make everyone feel sorry for them and go on with their sob stories. Abuse would get them punished, not sympathized with.

I also believe the abuser's point of view should be decentralized; it should be victims who get to speak. It's easy for the abuser to show themselves in the positive light, minimizing the abuse, insisting the victim provoked or wanted it, that it wasn't that bad and it was done with 'best intentions'. But if we listened to victims, we would quickly understand that anyone who can do this to another person is monstrous, and should not be extended any sympathy. Abusers don't extend their sympathy to the victims when they abuse, so why should they expect to get it? Society should take abuse more seriously and put defenses into place, so abusers are not as easily able to put it behind closed doors. Resources for recognizing abuse, especially child abuse and intimate abuse, should be taught, spread and shared in society, so nobody would be able to convince another that suffering abuse is normal, or justified.

One of the biggest barriers to escaping abuse is victim confessing what's been happening to a trusted family member or a friend, and then this family member or a friend shaming and blaming them for it, instead of offering help and protection. It takes a lot of courage to even say something out loud, knowing the abuser would punish them for it, and then to be punished externally for speaking out, it's devastating. If abuse was taken seriously, and victims understood to be fault-free, but singled out, isolated and hurt in a way that nobody should be, and it was understood it's a societal responsibility to protect them against this, it would be easier to speak out, and get support. It often takes a society to help someone get free, because abusers are hell-bent on abusing once they start to, the victims need multiple barriers before abusers could get anywhere near them.

And why shouldn't we want that? If we know there are people in society such as children, young people, people without regular income, poor people, disabled people, compassionate people, marginalized people, people who struggle to recognize and flag down predators, shouldn't we want to make sure they're protected? That nothing bad happens to them, and they're free to live their lives safe from those who would do them continuous harm and make them want to die? We want our young, old, kind, vulnerable, sensitive, disabled, poor, compassionate and marginalized people safe and happy. There's no reason to throw them under the bus and leave them to suffer abuse.

[furiousgoldfish]

sorry for expressing emotions incorrectly. having feelings was considered "acting out" when i was a kid

[furiousgoldfish]

[furiousgoldfish]

Do you ever have a whole internal relationship with (imaginary) someone in your head where you imagine conversations and events but mostly what you imagine is every single way everything could go wrong, things they could say that would make you feel invaded and scrutinized and how easily this would break you? Like even in your head when you're trying to imagine being close to someone, all you can imagine is roadblocks and triggers and every possible way you could get classified as not good enough, or shameful, or too broken to be accepted as an equal? Every way that you could be abandoned by them?

I haven't even realized this until someone pointed out how imagining heartbreaking scenarios when you're trying to imagine love is a symptom of having such low self worth that you couldn't imagine being happy or safe with someone. I thought I was 'prepairing myself for most likely scenarios if I ever do get close to someone' but fantasizing about the most painful things that could happen to you in a relationship apparently isn't a pain-preventative measure.

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive parents will be like, this is my emotional support child! I get to abuse them as a coping mechanism! It helps me get trough the day! You're being ableist if you take it away!

[furiousgoldfish]

[furiousgoldfish]

living with a parent after you're 18: why are you home??? wh y are you on the computer??/ you need to be looking for a job!!! why are you going out so much!!! its 3am what are you doing up? working? no, you should be asleep. its 9 am why aren't you awake!!! go look for a job! bring your resume and cv to the nearest store and ask for the manager and get a job!! you're under MY roof and you're MINE so you do what I SAY you dont' get PRIVACY you're still MY CHILD

parent after you move out: hey :((( why don't we talk anymore? miss you sweetie. you're doing so well, but you should visit more :( you're always so busy with your job :((((

[furiousgoldfish]

hey I get to have trust issues. As a treat.

[furiousgoldfish]

parents will go 'well if we're completely disinterested and ignorant of what happens to our child then none of it can be our fault. Also we're too oblivious to see the symptoms so we're released from bearing any responsibility' and firstly no, you're not. Secondly yes, all of it is your fault. Thirdly what the fuck.

[furiousgoldfish]

someone: 'you should be more like--'

thoughts running trough my head: THIS IS NOT A 'BUILD A PERSON' PROJECT! If you DON'T like me the way I AM then LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'M GOING TO BE EXACTLY AS I AM! Who I am is on purpose! I chose to be this way on purpose because it's what makes me me! I'm not going to change my nature to satisfy whatever you want out of this!

[furiousgoldfish]

parents will go 'well if we're completely disinterested and ignorant of what happens to our child then none of it can be our fault. Also we're too oblivious to see the symptoms so we're released from bearing any responsibility' and firstly no, you're not. Secondly yes, all of it is your fault. Thirdly what the fuck.

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm going to write my issues with food and nutrition after running away, because I wonder if anyone else is dealing with this. This might be triggering to anyone struggling with a food-related disorder, so skip this if you do. I do not have an eating disorder, this is more about finances and survival anxiety.

I wasn't allowed to learn how to cook while I was trapped with the abusive parents; when I asked to be taught I was told I'm too stupid to ever be able to cook, and if I tried to use the kitchen on my own, I'd be yelled away, and told off for 'wasting groceries'. I learned to ask if I'm allowed to eat anything from the kitchen before eating it, but I wasn't starved, there was always extra food, and I could eat it, I just wasn't allowed to make any.

So when I esaped, I knew how to make a pancake, and had trauma about 'doing things wrong' in the kitchen. I also had severe financial anxiety. After escaping, I couldn't work for years, I had to survive solely on savings, which would undoubtedly shrink and disappear, and this made me fear that I would die unless I got well enough to work somehow. I didn't know how many years it would take me to be fit to work, so I tried to spend the least amount of money possible to stay alive. This meant buying the least amount of food, and the cheapest food possible, and learning to make meals on my own. I also at that point decided I wanted to be vegan, because it was impossible before and now I could do what I wanted. So I was down to buying vegetables, rice, oil and flour.

I didn't know what proper nutrition was, what food I needed to stay healthy, or how much of it. Anxiety dictated my hunger so that my appetite became extremely low, or completely disappeared at times. I didn't figure this out and simply thought it was enough to eat one apple, and one potato during the day, and it was okay, because I wasn't hungry. I learned cooking from the internet and found that making food was in fact, easy; if something was heated up and salted it became edible. I couldn't make anything complex but I only cared about survival meals.

I ate like this for about a year and half, and things were looking bad for me. If I skipped a single meal I would lose the ability to move. My vision would go black sometimes, and instead of getting hungry, I'd just feel weak and nauseous. I didn't know why this was happening. I legitimately thought I ate enough. At one point I talked to someone who was kind, and who realized something was wrong with my diet. They asked me to tell them everything I ate that day. So I did, and they came back to me with 'that's 450 calories, that would be enough for maybe half of a day' and I was shocked. I didn't know about calories, but a google search told me I needed about 2000 a day. They also explained to me about malnutrition, which I didn't know about either. I only then found out that if I don't eat enough of every nutrient, I was likely to end up having to take supplements for the rest of life, something I had no money for.

This threw me into a panic, because not only was I bad at food, I was failing at taking care of myself. It reinforced the claim of my parents that I would die if I ran away, because I'm too stupid to survive, and here it was; I failed to feed myself. I developed a fear of starvation and malnutrition. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because seeing myself weak and diminished made me feel like I already was dying, but buying food also felt like it would lead me closer to dying because I would use up the rent money.

I then typed up every food I could eat into a search bar, to see how many calories things had, to calculate the amount I actually needed. I forced myself to decide that I needed to buy more food just for survival, because all of this was senseless if I got sick from malnutrition. I used a website that would tell me what nutrients I was getting, to find out what I was low on – I was low on everything, especially calcium, B vitamins, potassium, iron and all protein. I made myself buy milk that had b12 in it, but only got two cartons a month. I made sure to make bigger meals than before and to eat more of them. I also found online content about nutrition and what vegans ate to not get sick. My appetite slowly started to repair itself, but it actually took years until I got out of the starvation mode; I would still get extremely weak if I skipped a meal and instead of hunger I felt panic and nausea. I also realized I was hungry at all times but didn't notice it before.

Having to spend money on food stressed me out to no end, and I was picking to spend at the cheapest stuff; I would eat more flour than anything else because it was the least pricy thing in the store. I was still getting too low doses of calcium, and I knew I was at a risk for damaging my bones. My hair started falling out, and my nails became weak and streaked with black lines. I figured in the future I needed to find a way to live somewhere outside of a city so I could grow my own food – something I had zero idea on how to do.

The city I lived in had a community garden, and at one point I had a friend who had a plot, and they told me I could get a plot next to theirs. I was so intimidated and scared of failure I actually said no, arguing that I was too dumb to grow food. They promised to teach me, and talked me into taking it. I ran off to the library and got every book on gardening I could find in there. Then I also took to the internet and watched every video on how to grow food from seed. My friend gave me a handful of seeds to start me off, and that spring I started growing my own food for the first time.

I didn't grow a lot first year, as it's normal for first-timers, but as soon as I grew something edible, I figured I was done buying food. From then on I'd only eat whatever I grew. If you understand gardening for the first time you know that this is reckless and slightly insane, but my anxiety over finances won out completely; I banned myself from buying food if I could potentially grow it. This led to me again, eating very little, saving food for later, trying to preserve food on my own. But I now had fresh produce every now and then and I didn't need to spend anything to get it; this cheered me up immensely. My overall levels of anxiety about finances lessened because of that, I could live longer on my savings now, but anxiety specifically about buying food became worse because I wanted to never buy it again.

And just to clarify for people who live in different countries, there's no food banks, or food stamps here, I couldn't ask for any help from social services because I live in hiding, and I couldn't prove that I was unfit to work. I also wouldn't have asked for help even if it was available because the shame of needing help was worse than death to me; I truly believed that if I can't figure it out on my own, it's better for me to die than to rely on someone else for survival. I never believed this for anyone else, I do think everyone else deserves all they need for survival, for free. I just can't handle it emotionally if I need help, so it's better that I don't need any.

At one point, I started working part time, for a few days a week, and I managed to make enough to pay rent. After doing that for a year, my chances of survival felt better, and I finally started easing off of my fear of dying from lack of finances. I would sometimes allow myself to buy a little pack of mint candy; I missed eating candy and mints were the cheapest ones.

Things went bad again when my savings were stolen by a roommate; I was again feeling that I'm at the brink of homelessness and would die if I stopped working. I stopped buying anything and tried to live on basically nothing. I got better at growing food but it was also more difficult to grow it while working, because it takes constant attention and I was exhausted just from my job. Sometimes garden would get destroyed by hail or pests and I would end up with way less food. I tried foraging and eating whatever I could find in the fields. It wasn't tasty but I hoped I would at least get some nutrition.

I felt safer after I replaced the savings to what they were before (took years), but I never recovered enough to feel okay buying food. The recent crisis of being forced to escape my apartment, pay a deposit for a new one, and way bigger rent because my roommate bailed, put me in a state where once again, I'm trying to live on next to nothing to stay housed. Garden makes no food until summer so I can only forage. Having savings and still starving feels like this is just my anxiety at work; I technically have money I could use to buy food, but I feel that if I did, I would somehow inexplicably die because that money could not be used to pay rent anymore. I also would not feel any better if I had more money because again, I feel like I have to put it in savings to fend off potential later death.

Writing this down makes me realize my situation is bad, but I do feel helpless to fix anything in this one. I can't see how anything would change my mindset of "can't be buying food because rent is more important because I don't want to die on the street", that is solid logic to me. I'm better at making sure I sometimes get protein, and I will occasionally get some supplements to fend off complete malnutrition but otherwise I just let myself be hungry. As long as I'm not visibly looking completely diminished and my appetite isn't gone I feel like I'm surviving. Is anyone else um, living like this?

(also, I'm doing my best about this, so if you feel concern please don't yell at me 'you have to eat' or anything like that, I know this, I'm still unable to do better due to stress and trauma)

[furiousgoldfish]

Those were all the asks, I'm done answering now! If you sent in something and it wasn't answered, then I didn't receive it. Thank you everyone who sent me messages!

[furiousgoldfish]

(Feel free to just post this on ur blog with or without a response. I just thought I’d leave this here in ur ask box. But if you have advice I’ll definitely take it)

My mom is… something, that’s for sure.

To preface, I’m 20, her one and only child (daughter) and I feel like I’ve had to parent her more than she ever parented me. Your blog (and my friends) have helped me to realise that.

Sometimes she’ll start talking in a younger voice if it’s just me and her at home and she’ll call me “Mommy.” And it’s weird and idk. Just 10 minutes ago she told me “You’re going to come and sit outside with me, right mommy?” And she’s always been like this, even as far back as I can remember as a child. And we weren���t playing a game or anything. She was just Like That sometimes.

And it’s not some sort of inside joke or anything. Sometimes she’ll do the same thing to my dad and call him daddy, but it’s definitely not a sex thing.

My mom also likes to make me promise her that I’m living with her forever, as well as giving her grandkids (I don’t want ANY KIDS), and she gets mad at me when I dispute either of those things with her. And then I have to comfort her because”I made her cry and it’s all my fault.”

She is also able bodied 100% and yet makes me get her everything. It feels like I can’t leave, and that I’m always waiting on her hand and foot. I do have a car, and I do have money (that she has some control over, but I’m gonna make another bank account and move it over bit by bit so she’s not suspicious). She wants me to just live at home and take care of her because she’s always nauseous and the hospital isn’t able to fix it. Doctor told her it’s probably something mental.

And she’s such a different person in front of people vs at home.

She also tells people that my graduation day (I just finished a degree) is HER graduation day because “She worked hard for it.” And then she laughs about it! She said the same thing with my high school graduation. Nvm living vicariously thru me, I’m doing all the work and she’s trying to take credit!

Idk man just a little something I needed to get off my chest. I’m tired, boss

🍓Strawberry Anon

I got cold chills when you said she called YOU Mommy. That is... next level of parentification, I'm stunned. That is one of the creepiest thing I've read, I'm still chilled from reading that. That is nightmarish. There is something deeply wrong with this behaviour. That is not a harmless role reversal, you are a child, you need a parent, she doesn't, she's responsible for providing you a parent. And she just launches into this play with no explanation like it's normal? Horrifying.

Abusers forcing you to comfort them after forcing their own projections and desires onto you is also disturbing, she shouldn't have expected any of that of you in the first place, and you having to comfort her makes it seem like you're responsible not just for her expectations, but for all of her emotions. In general, children shouldn't be forced to comfort their parents, parents need to to turn to other adults, someone with the same emotional development to get comfort, or go to therapy.

I think it's possible she's sabotaging your social life or opportunities in life by forcing you to be her constant servant, it's true you'd be tied to her and unable to do your own activities, be out with friends, be out dating or having fun, you have all of that taken away from you. This is also not fair, you should not be responsible for her in this way, in this situation people can hire in-house help or turn to their adult family members, not a daughter! This should not be on your shoulders, and sabotaging your own life.

Her being a different person at home vs in front of people just confirms she knows she's abusive and that people would not take that well, so she acts a different persona that will make her social image better. It lets abusers get away with a lot if they can play nice in public and make people disbelieve that this person could be abusive in private.

The graduation thing, one of my parents tried to do that too! Really everything needs to be about them, they can't handle not taking credit for everything good, while pretending all the bad stuff is not their fault. I think your mother is a narcissist.

You deserve credit for everything you did. You also deserve your life to be about you, your desires, your dreams, your decisions. You should get to have a fair chance, to do anything you want to do, for yourself. If she was a normal person, she'd be unable to stand the guilt of taking your life away from you. This isn't normal.

Thank you for sending me a message, and I'm sorry you have to deal with all this, I hope you get away from it! I don't exactly have an advice, but I want you to know that they took all of your decisions from you, and I want you to consider what would you want to do with your life if you were free, and didn't have all of this weighing you down. You deserve that kind of life, where you are supported in chasing your own wants and desires, without having to consider what your mother would think of it, and whether she'd just try to take the credit of everything you did your entire life.

[furiousgoldfish]

without this blog i guess i wouldn't have ever been able to confirm somehow what i ready knew is that my family is abusive. i mean, i still feel really ashamed i havent been able to summon the courage to tell someone. i rarely visit the kitchen because i know there is a camera in there to stop me from eating with my family's knowledge. even without me being in that area, i still feel like there is eyes everywhere. the rule is 'if you don't ask, you don't eat.' every move i make, my mom tracks.

Camera in the kitchen to stop a child eating is just evil. Who in the world needs to stop their child from eating. I'm disgusted, I'd feel in danger all the time if there were cameras in the house just to track my movements and inform parents what I was doing. 'If you don't ask, you don't eat' is a barrier for eating, if they're controlling, scaring you and taking any opportunity to put you down, you'd have a horrible time asking for food, and it's humiliating to have to ask every time! They're responsible for keeping you fed, for making sure you eat, instead they're doing the opposite, using the fact that you need food to survive against you. This is horribly evil, I don't even know what else to say. May you never have to deal with this again in life after you get out of there. Gatekeeping food from a child is whole other level of evil.

I'm glad you could confirm they're abusive, they definitely are! No normal family sets up a child spy camera in the kitchen!!!!!