#abuse healing

[furiousgoldfish]

"Nobody is going to save you, nobody is gonna help you, nobody is going to care that you're still stuck in the past" But it should happen! Have you considered that maybe all of these things should happen?? Why are you rubbing in my face that we live in a world where people will abuse you and nobody will help you or even care about you afterwards? What's there to be smug about?

Being hopeful that help exists and that some people will care about our pain is what we hold onto, to survive this! It's normal, human, natural and it shows some faith in humanity! What is fun about telling us there's no humanity on this world and to stop hoping anyone decent exists? We're already scared of that!

Yes people will care and yes someone will want to help really badly. Some people do take issue with abuse existing in this world and are working to make it better. Since you're not one of them, go enjoy your heartless world.

[enoughdonegone]

My partner is brushing her teeth before bed and clearly watching something very funny because all I can hear is her giggling from the other room.

My heart is so full and I'm crying.

I couldn't have imagined such a simple pleasant home some years ago.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[finnothehimbo]

Things I’m enjoying after abuse #004

No worries when I apologize that a switch will flip and I’ll be jumped on

[zeldasnotes]

”It is never too late to be what you might have been.” 💘

[girlyteengirl16]

healing is taking too long what if i just kill myself

[pixieverse-icedtea]

i wanna go back and hug my younger self so bad, that little girl went through so much

[clowndensation]

thinking about connor in prague saying "dad's theory was you got two fighting dogs, you send the weak one away, you punish the weak one." in relation to this episode, and the way the siblings view abuse inside their own family.

shiv and kendall and their belief that connor and roman are the weak dogs that got the brunt of logan's worst behavior, because abuse is reserved for the kids who can't behave - the ones who aren't smart and mature enough to make it in the world. abuse evokes pity, because abuse is what happens when you expect too much from people who obviously aren't capable of more.

and then they go forward in life, believing that they're just naturally more intelligent and more capable than connor and roman, as if being raised seeing what happens to you if you aren't a perfect child wasn't the entire point of the "punish the weak dog" mentality that logan instilled in them. the looming threat implied behind any praise they do receive that tacitly tells them "you're not like roman and connor" because everyone knows what happens to roman and connor.

the absolute height of the rich capitalist mindset. "we're succeeding because of our own merit, and other people fail because they don't have what it takes" when in reality they're succeeding because of arbitrary rules made up by someone who knows that infighting makes meaner dogs.

[moonlit-positivity]

You don't need everyone to like you. I understand this can be an overwhelming trauma response to being neglected and otherwise hurt as a kid without the comfort and reassurance of our parents. But please try to remember that your worth is not dependent on how many people can love you. You have something much more important and worth protecting-- your heart and soul and mind and spirit. Not everyone you meet in this world is gonna resonate and vibe with you on those same levels. You've got to get comfortable with the concept of being misunderstood or feeling out of place-- and, rather than fawn to fit in, take that as a sign to find the spaces and people who can better appreciate you for it.

[desultory-suggestions]

You are not defined by what happened to you

[dailydiarynquotes]

[furiousgoldfish]

Speaking from a bad place, so bear with me. Has anyone thought about how being important or special to other people is based just on the people closest to you?

We regard strangers as people who are fairly irrelevant to us, because they have little to no impact to our life, and their lives and struggles won't generally touch us. In contrast, lives of people directly around us have a great impact on us, and they decide our relevancy. We give them roles in our lives, like friends, mentors, partners, lovers, caretakers, and in that regard they're special to us, irreplaceable. We also want to have an equally strong meaning in their life, to have a warm place in their heart and respect in their minds, as they do for us.

When people around us who hold great relevancy for us, also give us that same relevancy back, we feel important, we know we're special to them. That our role in their life shapes their experience, gives them gratitude and they've accepted us as someone they want and need around.

In contrast to that, when people in our life refuse to give us that same respect, warmth and relevancy, then we wonder what is wrong with us. What is missing so we can't be appreciated and regarded with the same love and respect that we show to them. Lack of mutuality makes us sink down with insecurity, self doubt and deep feeling that we're not enough, that we've done something wrong, not to deserve the same that we give to others.

And it also works out the same in isolation, if you have no one close to you, no one who has your well being in mind or cares for what becomes of you, it feels like you're important to no one, like you are not special whatsoever, even like you could be disposable if nobody cares at all.

But none of that is based on what's inside of us, who we are or how much love and good we are capable of giving and showing. It's nothing even related to our behaviour and actions, you could put anyone in these situations and results would be generally similar; person who is not experiencing reciprocity, or is left to fend for themselves alone, will lose the feeling that they're important or special in any way.

Isn't that weird? That we can end up judging our own worth based on nothing we did, or nothing we are, just based on how people around us are treating us, or whether we have anyone around us at all. In our essence we didn't change at all, it's just who is or isn't around, that determines our worth.

If we're put in a group of people who want to create bonds based on good things they see in us, we'll become able of seeing that good in ourselves. If we're surrounded by people who all feel the same as we do, act on the same moral code, readily reciprocate respect and warmth that we show to them, we won't feel like anything is wrong with us. We'll feel at home.

And since this is so intrinsic to being a person, to long for this and only feel relevant, safe and cared for in these circumstances, isn't it natural that we all deserve that? To be surrounded by people who make us feel like nothing is wrong with us, and like we're at home? Who help us focus on everything good in us, and give us no reasons to believe that we should be rejected or banished at all? Since abuse did the absolute opposite, and forced us to believe there's only reasons for abandonment, hatred and contempt, I believe being in the environment where people see many reasons to want us in their lives, would heal us.

[unwelcome-ozian]

Hello again. I’m the person asking about brainwashing with the “toy” phrase. Thank you so much for answering my question! I wanted to ask if there’s something I can do about the effects of the brainwashing. Obviously therapy, but any work I could do on my own? I’d just like to be able to get away from all of this as far as possible and avoid getting into this mental space over and over, because it fucks me up so badly and usual ends in some sort of self harm. Thank you again!

Hi!  You are very welcome!  From the way you had described your experience of how you normally feel verses feelings you feel when you are experiencing some of the beliefs and feelings associated with the part of you that believes the “toy” phrase.  it seems like you already have language to describe feelings related to your “adult self” (those that are not connected with attachment to your abuser).  As your “adult self”, you then may have some power to distinguish feelings that are from your present life from feelings and beliefs held by that part of you stuck in that pocket from the past.  As your “adult you”, you may be able to remind yourself how you normally feel and what you normally believe AND then acknowledge that only part of you that feels and believes those other things.  This may give you a sense of having the power to begin to find and help this part of you feel safe and experience healing from the trauma in which they are stuck. You may not be able to do this immediately, and it may take therapy or help from another support person to do this, but even recognizing where your power lies may relieve some of the anxiety created by the experience.  

Other work can include trying to notice patterns of changes in feelings that occur in your life.  It is important to consider your relationships and environments in which you participate.  Do you feel safe in these?  Are you aware of what is happening around you and in these environments?  Is your experience of the “toy” phrase part’s feelings and beliefs more prominent when you have been around certain people or in certain environments? Again, you may not have all of the answers right away, but you do have power to pay attention to the patterns in your life.  

Beginning to find ways to communicate with this part can also be work you can begin on your own.  There are some great journal ideas on the organizedabusesupport@wordpress.com site that Oz and Ozzie’s system have put together.  We have also posted journal ideas from others under the tag “journaling”.  There is something really powerful in the experience of being seen and known and heard, and valued, even when these things are experienced by parts of one’s self.  These actions increase the ability of one’s parts to experience life in a positive way.  This increases their sense of power also.

Expanding areas of creativity in your life is another helpful thing you can do.  Finding ways to see and experience beauty or create art, music, dance, poetry, or decorate or garden or go for hikes, even if you don’t know what you like, trying things out.  If that feels overwhelming, maybe set a timer and just try something for 10 min.  Creating can increase your sense of power and it may sometimes spark interest in ones parts in such a way that they also share in the creativity and experience of life.  Even if they are still stuck in pockets of trauma on the inside, when they do come to or toward the surface of the outside world, they can experience more goodness in life.  They also begin to grow beyond who they were told they were by their abuser.  It also provides another option for coping with hard feelings they or you may experience other than self-harm. The experience of the opportunity to make free choices that are not double-binds can help with undoing the trauma effect of a sense of powerlessness,  

Consider practicing grounding exercises, some are under tags here.  If you are struggling and starting to dissociate during a time you need to do something or where you need to stay present in order to stay safe, becoming familiar with tools for grounding can help keep you present when it matters.  You will find some grounding exercises under that tag on this blog.

And finally, find your support people, whether a therapist or others.  Find people who can come alongside you on your journey to help with safety and encouragement.  Not everyone has to know everything that you are experiencing, but they can counter the effects of isolation and alone-ness created by abuse, as well as  add to the energy that you have available to work through your stuff.

It is okay if you don’t try all of these things at once, and they are just part of a process.  I hope that in reading them, you are able to adapt them in ways that may be helpful for you! I wish you well!

~Josha

[binxelf]

things you can do despite your sense of guilt

- go for a walk even if you think you don’t deserve it

- have a snack even if you think you don’t deserve it

- take a break from studying even if you think you don’t deserve it

- reach out to someone even if you think you don’t deserve it

- demand, have needs and wants even if you think you don’t deserve it

- make it through the day even if you think you don’t deserve it

- feel mentally exhausted albeit seeming physically fine

- feel the sense of abandonment despite the company of those around you

- go to bed early despite not having done much according to your mental routine

- let out a deep breath even if you think you weren’t holding one back

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Having survived abuse from people with mental illnesses, I know the urge to warn others to be wary of those mental illnesses. I know how often it can feel like that is your only power in life…the only action you can take against what you went through. But listen. Just because a mentally ill person caused you complex trauma, doesn’t mean you get to generalize and slander and malign every person with that mental illness.

You do not have to forgive your abusers. but you do have to heal without spreading stigma and misinformation. you do have to heal without antagonizing or dehumanizing others who are also just trying to heal. you have to help break the cycle. because nobody can heal alone.

[nothing0fnothing]

hey I have some lived experience personal care advice I had to learn the hard way in my adulthood after growing up with abusive neglectful narcissistic parents. Maybe it will help someone else.

The most important room in your house to be clean is your kitchen. If you only have a few spoons and a whole house of mess, spend them on getting your kitchen clean, hygienic and tidy enough to be usable.

spending money on things that last longer or work better isn't a waste of money. You don't have to use the cheapest of everything because spending is bad work out what YOU think is worth splurging on.

Always buy the best shoes you can afford. Taking care of your feet is so important for your health. If you're afab the same goes for underwear, buying one pack of good quality, good fitting cotton breathable underwear will save you so much money on feminine care supplies if you get what I'm saying.

Get your feet measured in a shoe store. Especially if you're over 25 your feet will have grown since you were 18. I spent years thinking my body was wrong because my feet ALWAYS hurt. My girlfriend suggested we measure them and I realised I was in shoes two sizes too small. For years!! I didn't even know shoes were supposed to have space in them.

a cheap bottle of washing up liquid (dish soap) costs like £1 and can be used on basically every surface. Clean your counters, toilet, sinks, bathtub or shower, oven and hob with a scrub daddy and some cheap washing up liquid. It doesn't react with other chemicals and it cleans deeply and easily. I even use it on the inside of the shower glass where it collects that crusty water residue.

When bathing with an unscented bar soap everywhere first. Then wash a second time with your scented soap. The scented liquid soap isn't designed to clean you it's designed to make you smell beautiful.

Don't use scented soaps on your kitty. Don't use femfresh or other feminine washes on your kitty. Don't use feminine wipes on your kitty. You use your unscented bar soap you use on the rest of your bodh on your kitty once a day. That's all it needs.

You don't need sewing skills to mend things. A £5 sewing kit you keep somewhere in your house and maybe a 2 minute YouTube tutorial is all you need to fix holes in your clothes and make them last longer.

Cereal for breakfast is quick and convenient but aim to eat protein for your first meal. Things like eggs, meat, a protein shake, Greek yogurt. You'll feel fuller for longer and your body will appreciate it.

most things don't need to be ironed. For the things that need creases out a steamer is better for the fibres and easier to use. Simply hang up the item and hold the steamer against the creases.