egorkaya1-blog

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here friend thinking I'll join in on the speculations about the latest episode. So I read the post you rebloged about Buck mirroring the feelings of those around him as a way to avoid his own/feel accepted around them, and thought about how this episode was originally supposed to air 5x08 an episode where an actual mirror led to so much confusion and angst for Eddie and it was only when he realized it was a reflection that the kids were saved, and how Buck was upset he hadn't realized.

Hi bestie! You're posting theory once again proves true, for the most part, though in my defense, I'm also at the whim of the gif makers and while this episode was delightful in every other aspect but the b*ckt*ylor one, the last 10-15 minutes really drug the whole episode down (but also provided some...inch resting insights) leading to the wall of text posts I'm sure you saw (with a healthy mix of petty memes because of course). Anyway, I'm trying to figure out if once they break up, I'll be able to watch this episode again and fully enjoy it knowing I don't have to suffer through them being a couple for much longer but honestly I just so deeply dislike her character that sitting through her "sob story" again feels impossible. Like, I have zero trouble sitting through scenes with any of the other love interests for the rest of the firefam, even a*a's scenes (though I might still cringe) and still enjoy the episode but I'm not sure I can do it with Tay Kay because she has been pushed so in our faces and she is just so deeply unlikable as a character for me (sound familier? 🙃🙃🙃). And it's such a shame because the rest of this episode? Solid. Gold. Absolutely back on the normal 911 bullshit we all know and love. Insane calls? Family drama? Absolutely hilarious scenes that literally had me in tears? Adorable couple moments? It was all SO GOOD so I'm hoping some time and space and the eventual break up will soften the automatic "NOPE! HARD PASS!" reaction I have when I see her face, but we'll see. 🤷‍♀️

Okay, so as much as the last part of that episode was painful to watch (and not in the "good angst" kind of way like this show is so good at (lookin at you fight or flight, tsunami arc, etc), but more in the cringe, "sexy math" scene kind of way), it's also got me DEEP in my Evan Buckley feels because there is SO much going on here. With his actions born out of a knee-jerk trauma response to being "abandoned", with him shoving down his feelings so he's not being "needy" or making it about him, with him only getting a "love" acknowledgement for things he did and not for who he actually is as a person, with the choices Oliver is making with his face and the lack of eye contact and the body language and everything. It's all just so much in this episode, especially given the awkwardness we've seen from them all season.

And that mirror parallel to Defend In Place sure is something! The way we could have gotten the direct follow up to Tay Kay's story from 5x07 and then had an episode where she wasn't even brought up? But Eddie looks on the verge of a breakdown? Eddie realizing him and Buck had been, totally on accident, given bad information on the direction they should be heading and it took looking into a mirror to figure out the right way to go? The way Eddie lit up like a Christmas tree when he figured it out, but Buck was standing there still confused? The way Buck needs to look into the mirror of his relationship with Abby and see the parallels to his current relationship, but while Eddie has had his epiphany, Buck is still confused and hasn't made the connection yet? Like???? I'm absolutely feral about all this actually?

Because just like with Abby, Buck's putting in all the work and making the gestures, but this time he's not doing it out of love but because it's what he's "supposed" to do so it all looks (and feels) so hollow. Buck respected Abby first (definitely not something he will ever be able to say about Miss Girlboss) and genuinely enjoyed talking to her and then started a relationship. He asked Bobby what to do to keep the relationship working because she was drowning and he's Mr. Fix-It but he couldn't fix her mom being sick and eventually dying. And Bobby's advice was good and Buck did all the things out of genuine love and respect, however (it's especially clear on the re-watch), he and Abby had fundamentally different ideas of what their relationship was and what they wanted out of it and that's why she left thinking he would move on after a short time and forget all about her. And now, Buck is following the same pattern of getting into the mess because that's what Bobby said to do and it worked with Abby until her struggle was gone/took a new shape, and it worked with repairing his relationship with Maddie and building his relationship with Eddie, and being there and being a good friend to the rest of the firefam. But the thing is, it's not because he loves her that he's trying to help or be there as support for things he can't fix. It's because that's what you're supposed to do. It's a checkbox on a list of How To Keep People From Leaving You (Kind Of) and when it's backed by sincere love it's an act of service, it's a fulfilling part of the relationship but when it's not? When it's just a Thing You Do To Not Get Left? It's draining. And good god Buck looks drained this season. He is once again trying so hard and getting nothing that he actually needs back. And when he realizes he's fallen back into old bad habits, what becomes of his relationship then?

Anywhoodles, it's is very late and this is very long and rambling and may no longer make as much since as it did when I was thinking it in my head so I'm going to shut up now. *i just have a lot of feelings gif* but I'm just going to say that I am very interested to see what Monday night has in store for us for this winter finale. They are usually more on the wholesome side and wrapping up open plotlines but with as different (derogatory) as this season has been, who knows what we're going to get!

(also, whatever you do, do NOT think about masking and hiding true feelings and Michael Guerin (season 2 especially) because it WILL ruin your day and have you in tears. Just let these traumatized, curly headed men desperately grasping at any scrap of something that could possibly be "love" thrown their way, realize they are already so deeply loved by dark haired, sarcastic/sassy former military men who others might think are "closed off" but are actually giant marshmallows, and are a little overly cautious with technology/personal security, but on opposite ends of the tech-savvy spectrum.)