#and its not great but id Really love it if my partner realised how difficult it is for me to navigate

[littlestcorpse]

Back on my mentally ill bs but imma cling to a new blog for this so just enjoy the radio silence fuckers

[rznjun]

13, 14, 17, 33 (i really want to know too aksjsj👀, 26, 43, 62, 69 (i think i already know the answer but aksjsj😈), 83, 92, 113, 141, 153, 159, 167 these are a lot good luck bub aksjs💕

shdhjsfgsd i guess its only fair you ask me so many too i love you lina 💕💕💕

send me some numbers?

 13. When did you fall in love for the first time:tbh im not sure if ive ever fallen in love up till now??? i totally thought i was in love with the girl i liked but when i got into a relationship with her every feeling just vanished so ?? ??? idk im still waiting for it to happen jsjdhjs

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long:probably my sister [is that sad] apparently she hated me at first but after i turned 1 she got used to me and i rly think ive been friends the longest with her lol

17. When was the last time you laughed hard:i think it was last thursday bcs my mom and my sister and i went to an amusement park and we had so much fun my mom always makes the weirdest sounds in attractions sdhjshfjdsf

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk?hfdjshfj this revenge,,,,,, ,,anyway like i said ive luckily never thrown up but im a very affectionate drunk [st op me] but like the first time i went out i slept over at a friend’s and we ended up spooning and i kept kissing her back WHICH WAS SUPER AWKWARD FOR HER but i thought i was being extremely cute and she still wont let it go to this day pls send help

26. Is your ideal occupation?occupation as in job? bcs i have absolutely no clue as to what i want to do later :/ id love to do smth creative or to do with the arts but thats rly tough so i honestly dont know :(((

43. Favorite movie?this question will forever haunt me??? idk ive never been able to pick a favorite movie,,,i mean i like the lotr series and captain america: the winter soldier was really good but favorite?? ehhhhh??????

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life?id drop out of school immediately and travel the world and paint and draw and design and just live the life i want to have omg

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner?dhsajhd im pretty certain you guessed right bcs im going for the dominant partner lmao although i dont want them to be totally dominant [in bed is fine tho sdsjfsddsfdg] in normal life we’d have to be of equal standing!!!

83. Describe the last dream you remember: i always have rly stupid and boring dreams jsjhsd i only dreamt that i just woke up and had a normal vacation day and then i had to work and then i woke up in my dream and i thought i had to do my whole day over again but then i actually woke up in real life and i realised i didnt have to work dsjfhdjhfskf

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? ive never smoked cigarettes or cigars and definitely dont plan to ugh smoking is gross but i have smoked a joint once [i also had space cake that was WILD] anyway the joint made me feel a lil funny but it mostly made me cough and wasnt worth the throat ache lol

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?ahh this is so difficult! i think i would like to move to a place like sweden maybe? or korea lets be real dsjd

141. What are you like when you’re drunk? like i said im so affectionate it could get annoying dshdfhs i always confess my love to anyone and im just overall in a good and happy mood so id say im a fun drunk to be around, esp if you dont mind me kissing and hugging you jsjdjsjd

153. What is your biggest goal in life?to be happy i think,,,,, that sounds so sad sdgsjhd but id just like to have enough money to travel where i want and maybe one day settle down [w/ a girlfriend pls]

159. Describe your dream girl/guy?alright so my dream gal would really have to be someone i can laugh with! laughing is one of the most important things in my life so thatd come first and she’d have to be a bit pragmatic and like,,,, not talk abt our love as if its never ending and stuff??? like im too much of a capricorn to believe in ‘true love’ or ‘the one’ hdshjd but i guess if she can get me to believe in it thatd be great too!!! also calm and collected when it comes to approaching difficult subjects but she totally needs to know how to have a good time too jsjdds anway im a pragmatic bitch with standards that are way too high so im never gonna get a gf either way lmao

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? AHH DIFFICULT omg i dont know? okay i LOVE olivier armstrong from fma brotherhood but thats bcs im just super gay for her,,,,,,,,also lance from voltron bcs i relate to the boy so much! he’s just a sad gay who needs some lovin :’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’(((((((((( yeah i guess those two sdsjf im probably gonna think abt this again and come up with some better answer lol

[raven-1985]

Changes through reality, how to walk away from a deep connection!

trying to express a situation without the story has proven difficult, but i wanna share a lesson I've learnt recently with everyone, and hopefully help someone who maybe going through the same as what i had.

So once again i did it, choose the wrong guy, but at the beginning i thought that he was the do all and end all kinda guy, all the promise of, ill look after you, take care of you, treat you better than the others etc etc.

Well for the first few weeks yeah it was great, but i had this gut feeling inside that was brewing, that i should get out now! but the excitement over powered me AND I CARRIED ON. I t was little things that i started to notice at first!

over months thing got worse but what i didn't realise that the love that was growing was very unhealthy, it was love but a control over me. OVER TIME he changed me, he changed how i thought, how i looked and i lost all confidence in myself without even realising what he was doing to me, to me he would say all the right things like how beautiful i looked and how much he want me! but yet didn't come near me.

He would make me feel like a million dollar without realising it made me feel worthless and question myself in the mirror.

I lost lots of friends, but not because he told me too but because he said he was depressed and had social anxiety, i could see how much he hated being around people, so i stopped seeing people as i felt like i couldn't leave him as it wasn't fair.

He relied on me, yet i felt weak and lost without him.

Ask me how i felt like this at the time and i couldn't tell you, cause to me i thought he was my prince charming. I thought he was protecting me from all the bad in the world, anything that was gonna hurt me, he could stop.

How ever he had an addiction to a negative way of life, he couldn't be happy with what he had, was always bored but yet didn't want to do anything.

Couldn’t see positives in anything.

He also had a very bad addiction with weed. he’d smoke it all day long, and if he didn't have it he couldn't function at all. ( he had an addictive personality)

But i was also addicted! i was addicted to him. He was my perfect drug.

I cant explain why i felt like i did, i was so in-love with him but i cant explain why i feel in-love, he didn't treat me very well so why. 

All i wanted to do was make him happy! i thought i could change him! i thought i could open his eyes to all the wonderful things the world had to offer, including me! i could offer him so much, i wanted to take care of him too!

It was like we were connected in some great power beyond the human heart.

I guess you could say it was like a soul mate, where in ever life are paths would cross! but he wasn't good for me.

His mind got worse and worse, every time i got the strength to say, I've had enough and i want to split from each other, he’d get angry with me and threaten to kill himself! He made me feel like everything was my fault! That i was the bad person, i wasn’t doing or treating him the way a women should treat her partner.

But i was lost, i tried so hard to make him happy....... i did things for him that i didn't want to do. Just because i thought it would make him happy.

A few months later it got really bad and i told him to see a doctor, after a bad melt down he had, he physically hurt me this time and broek things in the house, and mentally started to scare me. He’d hurt himself in-front of me, and scream at me, telling me he hated his life that it was worthless. Worse then hell!

The doctors put him on anti depressants and another completely body stopping drug for when he got angry but that made him worse.

This went on for month and month and got worse and worse.

The final strew was when he tried to kill himself, cause i said we could not go on like this......i called an ambulance and we ended up in the hospital. 

He took a overdose.

I sat there looking at him, and i felt sorry for him......not sorry for the life he has but because he was lost. what had made him into this monster? i felt so very sad holding his hand that he felt like he had to do this to get what he thought he needed. The control!

Life is so precious but he just tried to stop his, but a part of me felt like it was for notice, not cause he wanted to die! which in my eyes are far far worse.

What i didn't know at the time, it was all about the extents to what he’d go to get control!

So even thought i started to realise what was going on, he still had that control over me, i loved him, adored him and need the addiction from him.

he came back, but it didn't take long before it started! 

this is when the bad stuff really happened, he ran out of weed! the nasty mouth started, started saying nasty things to me, but i didn't argue back, i was too scared to argue with him or stand my ground as i didn't want to piss him off more than he was! He was getting pissed off with the kids laughing and shouting etc and went off to take a happy pill.

Booooom! he started going mental, pushing me about and shouted at the children! That was it! i saw it was gonna affect them and i had to stop it before it started! i stood up and said i want you out, i want you gone.He was so annoyed he went to the garage and started cutting himself with a Stanley knife and took loads of pills, which i didn't realise what he had done.

The kids were sleeping, i came down stairs to find him asleep on the sofa. I didn't see the cuts or known he had taken more pills, so i went to bed!

It was morning and i hardly slept, got the kids ready and he was sort of awake but mumbling that he’ll be gone when i came back, told me he was going to kill himself! before i got into it again i got the kids in the car and sat outside the school. This is when i rang the crisis team! told them what was going on and that i think he had taken pills again!

They sent for a ambulance and for my safety told me to say away from the house!

I agreed and took the kids into school, they didn’t know what was going on as I've hide it from them as much as i could.

Half hour had passed and i had a phone call from a police officer saying he was refusing to to hospital and that they are thinking of sectioning him! 

I was scared and wanted to come back and try and get him to go but before i said that the officer hung up the phone......

Another half hour had passed and i had another phone call, he had flipped out and assaulted 3 officer and had taken his air riffle to the garage!

they arrested him and took him to hospital under arrest!

I knew he’d be so angry with me right now for calling the crisis team but i didn’t have a choice...I didnt want him to hurt himself... hours passed and i didn’t hear anything, so i called the police station and they said that they were charging him and thinking of sectioning.

I said at that point, please don’t let him come back to my house cause i couldn’t handle dealing with it anymore, i felt like everything was crashing down around me!

The following morning i knew he’d call and i had to be brave, i couldn’t say no to him! All i wanted was for him to be himself again, like when we first got together, i held on and held on but it wasnt going to change and i knew this!

He called and asked me if i could pick him up and i explained i had called his mum and granddad the night before and told them about what was going on and i couldn’t have him here anymore! Once again he flipped out on the phone and ended up hanging up!

He went back to his hometown with his parents, and for days we spoke on the phone, he made me feel like everything was my fault and i felt guilty! he treated me like shit! and i felt guilty!!!!!!

It got to the stage he wouldn't speak to me anymore! I had a mental break down, i was missing him! why was i missing him, why did i love him after everything.? 

Why, why, why!

Well months passed, i had a few people around me that helped me pick myself back up and trust me, thing got so bad for me, i wouldn't go out and just couldn’t face society. I sat in a chair in my house and wouldn't move for days! only to feed and sort the children, then id slump myself back in my chair!

Even my father was worried about me and told me, hes never seen me as low as i was! He was worried about me and worried that id do something stupid myself!

I started talking to a old friend of mine months later, and we became close........

Male, yes but he treated me with so much respect and showed me a completely different way of life. he was so kind and caring.

Thing was going great, even though i thought about (him) most day, it got easier! i started to forget the pain that he had caused me!Then boom, out the blue he messaged me!

I had waited months to see that message! 

I remembered sitting there every day waiting for that message to come up on the phone saying his name! and then there it was!

He said that he had stayed away cause he knew what he did was wrong, that he did lots of bad things, and hes been trying to make himself better and sorting his head out!

He sounded so sincere!

Apart of me wanted to believe this so much and felt like dropping everything and run back to him! but once again i had this gut feeling! This feeling like he hasn’t changed, he isn’t better because what he did was just the person who he was......

He is a lost soul that cant be saved!

After a few days, i finally said no to myself! 

I’m happy now and i don’t want to change that! the person who i’m dating is wonderful, great with me and amazing with the kids! 

OK i don’t have that excitement i had with him but its better!

So i made the hard decision of telling him that i didn’t want to risk it anymore and not work things out! ! I did this as nice as i could! 

When he read the message i fully expected him to get angry again! and guess what i was right!

He started messaging really nasty stuff and then said once again he was going to kill himself!!!!!I was right! then it suddenly dawned on me.

Did i actually love him for him?

 No i didn’t

I was made to love him by the control he once had on me!

I messaged him and said he was very sad and i was right to say no! that if he wanted to end it then i didn’t want a involvement and i wont be messaging him any longer as i already had been through so much!

2 DAYS LATER.....he messaged me saying sorry!

I called him bluff! and that’s all it was!

The control he once had has gone! i was free, i am me!