#and itza buncha nonsense!

[wellmaybetheresworms]

I’ve been listening to Narcissus Under the Knife by Jessica Law. I’ve been feeling very Normal about Narcissus Under the Knife by Jessica Law. I’ve been writing an analysis-ish thing about Narcissus Under the Knife by Jessica Law. I’ve also finished it, and if anyone wants to read it, that’s what this is. So. TW: mentions of mental health issues, namely Orpheus’ depression and Narcissus’ extreme Narcissism. Also plastic surgery. Also this is basically just incoherent rambling.

You have been warned.

Narcissus Under the Knife is a song by Jessica Law. It’s based on a fiction by the Mechanisms called Orpheus and Narcissus Go on a Trip to the Seaside. It (Narcissus Under the Knife) is written in first person from Narcissus’ perspective. Instead of talking to someone, or telling a story of some kind, it’s Narcissus’ own thoughts and reflection about his relationships, with Orpheus, his friend, and Echo, his ex, as well as his own relationship with mental health and his appearance.

My mind was ringing with echoes

When I told you to let go

When I sent you from me

The first verse is about Echo. In Orpheus and Narcissus Go on a Trip to the Seaside, Narcissus tells Orpheus about Echo, his ex from seven years ago. He says that he only realised that he truly loved her after she’d left him, saying that he loved his reflection more than he loved her, and had thought about her ever since. Orpheus said something about him only loving her once she became unattainable, but Narcissus never addressed this with anything other than a glare.

Now sitting here at my mirror

With the light getting dimmer

I can see myself clearly

You see, it’s ironic because the lights are getting dimmer. But it’s also ironic because his mirror is broken. Narcissus said that Echo broke it when she left, and that he never got around to getting it fixed. But, in the fiction, Orpheus thinks he sees an older, more beaten down and aged version of Narcissus for a moment in the reflection. He chalks it up to the drugs he’s on and the lack of nutrition, but that’s likely similar to what Narcissus sees in the mirror: a combination of how he looks and a distorted version, what his mind shows him.

And I'll never reconcile

Those bright eyes and flashing smile

With the mind that whirs and winds

And finds fault in all I see

But I think I'll stay awhile

Sit and stare and sulk in style

When Narcissus looks in the mirror, he sees himself. Sometimes how he physically looks. Sometimes his mind’s own version. Physically, he’s very attractive, young, obviously upper class. However, all he can see is what’s wrong with him. Yes, that makes no sense with what I said earlier about how sometimes he’s seeing what he actually looks like, but that’s why he can’t fit that version of him that everyone else sees with how he sees himself. He looks in the mirror, and what he sees is different from what he is. A young man with years and years ahead of him, perfect. Nothing about that is meant to imply someone who stares in the mirror for hours looking for faults. And it doesn’t, since no one is that kind of perfect without any insecurities.

And I never said that everything would be the same

And I never promised I would be OK with change

And I never meant to hurt you

But if you feel no pain, then

That's enough for me

That's enough for me

Here, Narcissus is struggling with change. He knows it happens, and he isn’t denying that, but that doesn’t mean he’s alright with the changes in his life. This whole verse could be about Echo or Orpheus, and it’d fit just the same. Echo left. It’s unclear if he actually realises that he hurt her, but either way he didn’t mean to. (Doesn’t make it okay, but there’s a reason Narcissism is called Narcissism.) And if she wasn’t really hurt by him (his perspective. Obviously that hurt her feelings), then he has a chance of her coming back. It also fits Orpheus because of Eurydice’s death. Since she died, Orpheus got careless, depressed, suicidal. He changed, and Narcissus wasn’t ready for it. And at the end of Orpheus and Narcissus Go on a Trip to the Seaside, Narcissus is actually the one to suggest that Orpheus try and get Eurydice back from the Acheron. Because Orpheus ended up dying before he could do anything, Narcissus never found out if it worked or not. So there was equal chance of his suggestion failing, hurting Orpheus more, and of it succeeding, in which case Orpheus would feel much better.

Looking is all I am doing

I would face my own ruin

If these looks didn't stay

Narcissus’ entire livelihood relies on his physical appearance. His job is people being attracted to him. His job is how he gets the money to throw fancy parties. (And, as is implied in the fiction and later in the song, plastic surgery). His fancy parties get him exposure, and exposure helps him keep his job. HE DOES NOT HAVE BACKUP MONEY. If he loses his looks, he loses everything. Also, the “Looking is all I’m doing” bit is a reference to the original Narcissus myth, where he has a pond instead of a mirror. Touching his face in the water would cause ripples that would ruin his otherwise perfect reflection. In the song, it’s less of an actual thing that could happen, as just touching his face or reflection couldn’t actually do anything to ruin how he looks. It’s just his fear that if he disrupts his perfect reflection, it’ll shatter everything he’s done to maintain his appearance.

I can't decide if I miss you

There are more pressing issues

Like remaining this way

So I think this bit is more about Orpheus than Echo, but could, again, be about either. About Orpheus: his best friend is missing, likely dead, possibly having killed himself, and Narcissus can’t stop maintaining his appearance for long enough to think about him. About Echo: Narcissus has spent so long keeping himself looking the same for when he thinks Echo’ll be back that he hasn’t thought about whether or not he actually loves her/wants her back.

And I'll never sympathise

With that place behind my eyes

Cells that order me to lie

And buy time with money

But I'm kind of mesmerised

By the face they hide behind

Narcissus’ actual reflection is perfect. Just like his face. But this is a mix of the actual reflection and his mind looking for something wrong. The something wrong here is what he sees behind his eyes. Y’know the whole ‘the eyes are a window to the soul’ thing? Pretty sure that’s the reference. Narcissus looks at his soul, who he is as a person, who he really is, and he doesn’t like it. The cells are his actual cells. He’s ageing. There’s a bit more allusion to him getting plastic surgery here, because it costs money and plastic surgery can hide ageing. So he’s forced to alter his face artificially in order to look younger. A sort of lying. Then the last two lines are him admiring his face. For anyone who’s ever dyed their hair, it’s kinda like the bit of time right after it’s been dyed where you pull it in front of your face because it’s a new colour and that’s interesting. He doesn’t feel like it’s his face. It’s a marvel, it doesn’t change, it’s constantly new.

And I know I need someone who feels and thinks the same

And I know that person isn't real and can't be named

And I never meant to spurn you

But if you feel no blame, then

That's enough for me

That's enough for me

The needing someone who feels and thinks the same is because he knows it would be good for him to talk to someone who went through/is going through what he’s going through. But there isn’t anyone he can talk to. (In the fiction, Orpheus thought about how he could have helped Narcissus, but wasn’t in the right mental state to be able to.) The spurn bit: he ignored Echo in favour of his own reflection, and he sort of did the same to Orpheus. Not as much, but he did leave him waiting three hours. But if they don’t feel any blame, then that’s good enough.

I know they'll soon come and get me

You would never have let me

Reach the state I'm in now

Narcissus is going to end up in an asylum. He knows it. Orpheus knew it. He believes that either Echo or Orpheus could have helped him get better.

Counting the cracks in the pavement

One more day of enslavement

To the lines on my brow

He counts the cracks, he counts his wrinkles, he only steps on the black tiles in his house. Every day he sees something new wrong with him, namely wrinkles, and hyper focuses on it. All he can think about is his imperfections.

Just another little tweak

Rolls the clock back one more week

If I could I would rewind the time I was with you

All those years I can't reclaim

But my youth I shall retain

So this is the big plastic surgery thing. “Just another little tweak” and all. One little change, and he’s so much younger. And the “my youth I shall retain” bit. He’s using plastic surgery to look younger. Obviously. Kinda. Already implied that. Whoop. But there’s more Narcissusism here. The 3rd and 4th lines are basically him saying that if he could take back all the time he spent with Echo/Orpheus in favour of his youth, he would.

And I'll never have that natural glow or natural grace

And I'll always have to cast my spell in other ways

And these dotted lines are painful

But that's the price I pay, and

That's enough for me

That’s enough for me

That’s enough for me.

Last verse! He can’t have a natural glow or grace because his looks aren’t natural. So everything he does has to be accentuated by something artificial in order to keep up the facade of effortless beauty. He has to spend hours on makeup and hair. He has to pick out fashionable clothes. He has to walk right, he has to speak right, everything he does, he has to do because if he doesn’t, people will see right through him, right through what he wants, no, needs them to see. Anyways, next line! More plastic surgery shit! When someone gets plastic surgery, the surgeons draw dotted lines around the area they’re doing surgery. The dotted lines are guide lines. The price he’s paying is both the price for the surgery, and also the ever so slight price on his soul that comes from living longer than he should have. Which makes sense for something related to the Mechs. Themes of the consequences of extended life and life in general are common themes in their stuff. If someone who’s reading this somehow hasn’t listened to them, Then What Are You Doing, Go Listen Now. Anyways, continuing to look young and pretty is all Narcissus feels he needs. It’s reaffirmed by the fact that he only says  “That’s enough for me” three times, one of which as the last line of the song. Every other time that line has popped up, it’s been sung twice. Like he’s trying to convince himself. But here, it’s sung three times. I’m taking it as convincing himself, convincing himself, convinced. Especially since the last one’s sung differently than every other time he sings that line. And there’s nothing else he needs to say after that. The whole song has been building up to and backing away from a sort-of admission of his own obsession, and now that he’s finally said it, there’s nothing else to admit.

Also, I really like that the song’s slow with lonely-ish melancholy vibes. Really lends to the contemplative aspect of it.

Wow! You stuck around! Wasn’t expecting that for my nonsense!