#and like not to mention as soon as the trans fem hc became popular the way they drew their body type changed SO MUCH like okay

[dejaentends]

this is probably a very controversial opinion but i don't love the fandom's current interpretation of feminine sirius. i have long seen sirius as someone who exists outside of binary gender and expresses femininity, they express gender in infinite ways, they're a gender maximalist, but i also solidly see them as 1) orientated within the queer man community and 2) nasty and dirty and hairy.

in part this is because i relate to sirius, and though i orient myself within the queer woman community i am nasty and dirty and hairy. part of why i relate to sirius are "masculine" traits i hold (not just nasty and dirty and hairy) that he holds as well, in canon. sirius is comfortable with physical violence, they are vengeful and cruel, and it's not in a dark feminine refined way (that's narcissa imo).

sirius is passionate and reckless in a way that reminds me of how we characterize teenage boys. teenage boys are often allowed to get away with their recklessness and cruelty, but ultimately sirius suffers the worst consequences for their choices. though the narrative is more forgiving to sirius than it would be a woman, sirius is punished with azkaban and death. when dumbledore discusses sirius' death with harry he accurately points out that sirius was cruel to kretcher and reaped what he sowed.

sirius black is punished for exhibiting these "masculine" traits that are often celebrated or at least accepted in most men. he's punished like we punish women who are not compassionate and maternal. this resonated with me as a child because i'm not compassionate and maternal the way women and girls are expected to be. the way i express care and passion are closed to how sirius expresses them, with intense loyalty, willingness to suffer on behalf of loved ones, a desire to protect, a need to be brave.

and i was too much. and sirius is too much. and sirius and i are both queer, both older siblings. my level of attachment makes this kind of feminization of their character uncomfortable for me. he is being portrayed in a way that is far more socially expectable for me to be. he is being portrayed as a person that would fit in with the gays and the girls. i never have fit in with them and i never will.

it feels like they've been watered down to be easier for everyone else to swallow. i want them bitter. i want the masculine and feminine coexisting in the wrong ways. and honestly i know i shouldn't care but i don't want to enter a space i use for comfort and be surrounded by reminders that i don't do queerness right and don't do "womanhood" right. it does hurt me. sirius just seems so weak now. but sirius is one of the most powerful characters in the series. why take that?