#and like the obvious solution for shepard would be to kill sam

[smokedanced]

still absolutely hilarious how i feel like sam's mass effect verse involvement is something that i know more of even than dean's mass effect verse... what with, i don't even write sam as a muse, and it's dean's verse lol.

[cecilspeaks]

115 - Council Member Flynn, Part 2

Paint a picture. It’ll last longer. Welcome to Night Vale.

Councilwoman Tamika Flynn announced this week that she got a new dog. It’s her 17th birthday in just ac ouple of weeks, so her Dad DeAngelo Flynn said she could adopt a puppy. They went to the Night Vale Animal Shelter and Discount Tire Shop. Tamika thought about this sweetheart pitbull named Rosie, but worried about the need to walk and exercise such an active dog regularly. Same with the Blue Heeler mix named Hydrant. The shelter manager suggested a German Shepard named Vincent, but DeAngelo said no daughter of his would have a German Shepherd. He added that even the German Shepherds with all of their hateful teeth and ignorant rage could not save us from the robot uprising. Tamika said she wanted a smaller dog anyway, and she settled on a Pomeranian, whom she has named Lucky. She brought Lucky to City Hall. Standing atop the front steps of the building Tamika, wearing a long black coat adorned with chevrons, a Sheriff’s badge, infantry cords and little flanks of uncooked beef, held Lucky proudly above her head, the way a person who just got a new car might hold it above their head.

Lucky is a light brown dust bunny with hollow yellow eyes and a shrieking little laugh of a bark. Ah, a real cutie! Happy early birthday, Councilwoman Flynn!

An update on the recent spate of robberies and the related deaths of Tristan and Camilla Cortez. The Secret Police have no new leeds toward suspects, but since the 8 PM curfew has gone into effect, there have been no robberies or major crimes of any kind. They have arrested six people in the last two days for being out after 8 PM. But those people were all angels, who were unaware of the curfew and were just walking around trying to ask people for ten bucks. Now that acknowledging of angels is legal in Night Vale, the angels have been making a fortune, by just asking people for cash they don’t actually need, because they’re billionaires. But people are so happy to be able to acknowledge them that it’s worth the few bucks the angels are asking for.

And now sports. The Night Vale Scorpions wheelchair basketball team lost the state pre-season tournament last weekend 81-72 to the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors. Pine Cliff forward Helen King led all scores with 30, and Night Vale point guard Janice Palmer set a state record in assists, with 22. 22 assists in a game, that’s empirically the most helpful game a Night Vale player has ever had. Y’all, Janice is my niece.

It’s a shame to lose, but it is only the pre-season. There is still a chance to win the division. Unfortunately, I heard from Janice’s dad Steve that Janice is not handling the loss very well. Steve said Janice works really hard to get assists, because she wants to be a leader to help other people score the points, and even though she set a state record in assists, they still lost. Steve said Janice is working even harder on her passing skills and on running the high pick and roll, which is a basketball term that Steve explained to me, and I knew I wouldn’t understand it, so I wrote down what Steve said verbatim. Let’s see. Here’s what he said a “high pick and roll” was. Quote: “So the defender’s guarding, right? Like this! And then an offensive player comes over here like whoosh! And then the ball handler goes like zam! And then they go all and then, whoom!” Well. Best of luck in the regular season, Janice.

Michelle Nguyen, owner of Dark Owl Records, said that her store was robbed several weeks ago, during the height of the robbery spree. She remembers a person coming in wearing a mask, holding a gun, and smelling like fertilizer. They asked for gas, and Michelle gave the thief a velvet sack full of Item nr 4 bank-run gravel, which is her preferred currency these days. The robber then grabbed a stack of LP’s from the new release section and left. Michelle said she didn’t report the robbery because she didn’t really feel like it was a robbery. “It’s not like anyone listens to music anymore,” she said. “Music is dead! If they had stolen the sound of traffic and sirens and low-flying aircraft, I would have felt truly violated. But who’s gonna miss Keith Urban on vinyl?” Michelle added that everything is music and music is nothing. And then she closed the store for the day to go shout poems at passing trains with her friend Maureen.

Tamika Flynn and her new dog, Lucky, have been making appearances across town at local businesses assuring the owners that the town is safe. In addition to her dark coat with its many pins and stripes and medals and cow flesh, Tamika has begun wearing leather riding boots, a tricorn and spike studded knuckle rings. She’s really taken to the politics of her job, bringing along a camera crew to record these positive interactions with her constituents. It should be noted that there have never been elections for City Council in our town’s history. Even Tamika joined the Council through coercion, not campaigning. Perhaps this isn’t just a photo op, perhaps she really does care about the wellbeing of each of her citizens. She might be my new favorite Council member.

Frances Donaldson, owner of the Antiques Mall, said she was so happy to see Councilwoman Flynn in her store. Tamika shook her hand and told her everything would be OK, that she would not let anyone rob Frances of her antiques. “I mean these antiques are cursed as all getout. Anyone tries to touch one of these things, they’ll be living in a psychological terror-scape,” Donaldson said, “but it was nice of the young lady to say so.” Frances then sat by the window and thoughtfully watched the distant plane plass against the sky.

Liesel Schmidt, who owns the auto-body shop near Summerset and Gray, said Tamika stopped by her shop and told her all about how Tamika’s father worked at an automobile factory for decades, until he was laid off five years ago. He’s since run his own dent repair service. Liesel said Tamika really wanted to impress on her the importance of independently run businesses. “I like Tamika,” Schmidt said, “and her little dog too! He ate some of my socket wrench heads, which made him walk slow – ah, that made me laugh. He’s a good dog!”

Well, I’m certainly happy to see Tamika winning over the people of Night Vale. She’s done a lot for this town. But I know the curfew and travel stoppage has been a real strain. It’s good to see her out there, keeping our spirits up.

It’s time once again for Citizen Spotlight. Today’s Citizen Spotlight is on Megan Wallaby. Despite only being born four years ago, Megan just celebrated her 17th birthday this past spring, and will graduate Night Vale High School with honors next May. Megan enjoys athletics and biology classes, and hopes some day to run her own clinic. She wants to go to a university and major in physical therapy next fall, but she’s not sure where that will be just yet. Megan was also on my niece Janice’s basketball team and was the team’s leading scorer. But after the preseason tournament, she has decided to quit basketball to join Tamika Flynn’s Secret Citizens’ Secret Crime Patrol force. Megan never had an inclination toward law enforcement, but she’s not she can afford college. Even if she gets a scholarship, she says there are still books, dorms, food, beer, pet tarantulas, and clothes to buy. Her parents Tuck and Hershel can’t pay for any of that, so she is taking on part time work patrolling the streets after curfew. The team will miss you, Megan, but our streets are safer with you out there. This has been Citizen Spotlight.

A new report from the Mayor’s office shows a significant drop in crime the past two weeks, since Tamika Flynn took over the Secret Police. Councilwoman gave credit to Deputy Sheriff Sam, the entire police force including the Secret Police, Double Secret Police, Obvious Police and Dog Police, and even the Citizen Patrol Force for their extra efforts. Also Tamika said the bloodred buildings everyone helped paint look gorgeous and intimidating.

But it’s not all good news. The Mayor’s report shows a significant increase in traffic accidents, as the police are stretched so thin. Also, since most of the city’s resources are focused on stopping armed robberies of businesses, there have been unrepaired water main breakages, damaged street signs, and understaffed municipal offices. With few available funds and zero economic activity after 8 PM, city-run departments like the Hall of Public Records, the Public Library, and the abandoned mine shaft outside of town, sit empty most days. 

The Mayor’s office expressed concern in the deterioration of these buildings for lack of huge, not to mention the inconvenience their closures pose. “Councilwoman Flynn is a tough and decided leader, but how far must we push ourselves away from comfort in order to preserve safety?” Mayor Cardinal said. “Our infrastructure is at risk of erosion if we continue to ignore everything, except law and order. Our emotional health is at risk if we close ourselves off.”

And here the Mayor paused to take a bite of a whole fresh butternut squash. Or, as the Europeans call it, a “yam balloon”. She continued with her mouth full: “I ask Councilwoman Flynn to call back the rest of the City Council from wherever they are so we can hold an emergency meeting to explore better solutions toward reducing crime.”

Listeners, I agree with the Mayor. While I love that there have been no robberies or deaths or arsons in the past several weeks, I would also like to point out that a culprit has yet to surface. The police, under the control of Tamika Flynn, do not even have a suspect. Whoever has done this has certainly been stifled by the strict city ordinances, but how long must we continue hiding in our homes every evening? If the person who has committed these crimes is still in this city, they will certainly start robbing, and maybe even killing once again. Tamika refused the Mayor’s request, saying that the other City Council members do not do well under stress, and that they’ve never been of any help in situations like this. Tamika continued.. Oh! Oh, listeners, I – I’m sorry to break into my own story but I am getting reports that Deputy Sheriff Sam and their Secret Police are in a standoff in the Tepid Sands housing development at the intersection of Skillman Boulevard and Dubois Avenue. Shots have been fired, uh I’m going to find out and report further what is happening. But first, let me take you to the weather.

["TMI" by Josey joseyofficial.com]

The good news is that all of the police officers in this afternoon’s fracas are uninjured. The bad news is that two young women were severely wounded by a librarian. A librarian, in their own home! The girls, Lisa Robertson, 18, and her younger sister Marcia, 15, were at home quietly reading their new copies of Patricia Lockwood’s 2017 spectacularly crafted memoir “Priest Daddy”, when they heard a window shatter. A librarian had smelled the humorous and deft poetics of Lockwood’s impeccable writing and broke in to devour the readers of this sharp and emotional story of religion, family, and toxic masculinity. When the librarian found the two sisters, it attacked. It was not the Robertson sisters’ first fight against a librarian. They, along with Councilwoman Tamika Flynn, survived the summer reading program at the Night Vale Public Library three years ago. They nearly did not survive today’s attack.

It was thanks to Sheriff Sam’s quick response that police were able to stop the librarian from further damage. Unfortunately, the librarian, whose name was Dan McDowell, escaped police custody and is still on the loose.

Tamika Flynn, on behalf of the City Council, still away on vacation until this whole thing blows over, expressed sadness for her injured friends and fellow bibliophiles Lisa and Marcia. The Mayor doubled down on her earlier statements and blamed this tragic attack on a city-wide failure to pay for upkeep of municipal buildings. “There was no one there to lock the librarians’ cages, to feed them regularly,” the Mayor said. “As a city, it is our responsibility to protect life, yes, but also protect a life worth living.” Councilwoman Flynn thanked the Mayor for her comments, but then promptly called for a closing of the port authority. No ships in or out of town. Night Vale has no body of water to speak of, but the occasional freighter or cruise ship does arrive.

Flynn also moved curfew to 6 PM and said no one is allowed within 100 feet of the library, or any bookstore, for that matter. “These days my father only talks about the robot uprising,” Flynn said. “For a long time, I thought he was just being weird. There’s no robot uprising! I have seen advanced robotics, and those things can barely walk. Even my phone struggles to load a basic Google image search for “vaping sloths”. But what if there were robots we do not know about? Metaphorical robots. What if the things we cannot see, cannot predict? Why not be prepared to protect ourselves against –any- enemy?” She added her regret that people would not have access to books anymore, but added that maybe, the city should get everyone a nook. “Is nook still a thing?” Flynn added. “Whatever. Mayor Cardinal, let’s have the city buy everyone an e-reader.” Flynn concluded her speech with: “I know curfew is early, but curfew doesn’t apply to law enforcement. You’re all welcome to join my new Vigilante Citizen Squad. Help us beat the hell out of crime after dark!” Lucky laughed, or barked, it was unclear which, and they both left, Tamika’s spurs rattinglina dn long cape swithing.

The Mayor has appealed to the public for support, stating that once we have a full coroner’s report on the bodies of Tristan and Camilla Cortez, we can engage iun a true investigation, rather than martial law. But given Tamika’s success in eradication the robberies, most people still trust her ability to stop librarians. I mean, battling those things is her specialty. There’s no one better. I’m not really afraid of robbers who target businesses, I mean, who’s gonna hold up a radio station? Or a science lab, where my husband works? But if librarians start believing they can wander anywhere, attack anyone reading any old book by one of America’s foremost poets or word smiths, then they could attack me, or Carlos. Or Steve, or Abby, or Janice. I-I know it seems like I’m scared, but I’m not. Like you, I’m just – wary. Wary of lurking disaster. Plus there’s so much to keep me entertained at home after curfew. It’s not like the 1990’s when the only technology we had was putting on politically satirical puppet shows using rocks with cartoon faces drawn on them. It’s actually enjoyable to turn in early each night. I’ve got an Xbox, a VR helmet, some vegetation that is tootally legal, and Susan Wilman’s HBO Go password, which Steve gripped for me. It’s great!

I don’t know how long we ca keep this up,but for now, I just want to feel safe. Stay tuned next for.. wait, hold on. Oh.. I just received a fax that the coroner’s report has been completed, Night Vale and.. huh. Oh wow! Ooh, you’re not going to like this! You know what, let’s save it. 

it’s almost dark, Night Vale, curfew is almost upon us. This will pass as all things will pass. We’re in good hands in Tamika’s hands. If there’s anyone who knows how to protect us from librarians, she does.

Stay tuned next for the sound of two men cuddled up in bed watching the new season of Insecure.

And good night, Night Vale, Good night.  

Today’s proverb: Pull this lever. Don’t worry, you will never know the result.