#and like this is a complex pattern too. for a type of closure I’ve not worked with before so I can’t even identify these pieces withoutlabel

[bigfishthemusical]

why do free times have to sometimes suck so much. This is not what I didn’t pay for

[wildmichaelflower]

HI RAYE ❤️ my first request is from your prompt list is - “My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.” With Calum please 🥺 Sending you many hugs, gay!sos buddy 💕

Sorry for getting to this four months later!!!

5.  “My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.”

Word Count: 2,190 words

Content Warnings: Calum Angst (With happy ending), Unplanned pregnancy, Breakup over text, Crying

 Calum never understood why you had chosen to broke up with him, especially over text, and especially when you two were engaged to be married in a year. In his mind, everything was perfect, until he was getting off rehearsal and the message from you knocked the wind out of him.

‘Calum, I’m leaving. I’m sorry, but I’ve decided that this isn’t what I want. I’m leaving tonight, I made sure your neighbor can take care of Duke until you get home, but by the time you read this I’ll be moved out of your home. I left my key, and the ring, on the table. Don’t call me, this number will be disconnected shortly after I send this. I wish you the best in tour and I hope you find someone who knows how lucky they are to love you.’

He blinked back tears as he struggled to comprehend the message, rereading it again and again, hoping the words would change to your usual ‘i love and miss you’ text he was used to getting. He immediately called you. hoping this was some joke you were pulling.

“I’m sorry,” the automated message greeted him, “The number you are trying to reach has been disconne-” Calum didn’t let it finish, he didn’t want to confirmation to hit, and he definitely didn’t want a robot to apologize to him. 

Instead, he shoved his phone back into his pocket.

“Hey mate,” Ashton gently slapped a hand onto his shoulder and whispered, “Everything alright?”

Calum shook his head, finally letting the tears fall and sobs emit. Wide eyed, Ashton pulled his best friend into a hug, biting his lip as Michael and Luke hurried over.

“Th-they’re leaving,” Calum cried, “They disconnected they’re n-number and left me. They don’t love me anymore.”

The boys did their best to comfort their friend through his endless sobs. 

“Should we cancel tonight?” Luke whispered but Calum shook his head, pulling his head away from Ashton’s chest.

“No,” he wiped his sleeve across his eyes, “No, the show still goes on. I just need to take these next few hours to process this.” He took a deep breath, doing his best to hold in the tears.

The boys nodded, giving him one more hug before giving him space. Calum tried to get a hold of everyone who would know where you would be, but no one seemed to have an answer for him, and he couldn’t bear to tell them that you broke up with him over text so he just said he’ll try again later. 

The concert was hell, Calum knew he played like shit, but the only thing that made him give a damn was that he let the fans down. As expected, stan twitter was buzzing about his performance, many wondering what had happened to the bassist. That alone was enough to not want Calum to be on the site, that, and the fact that your name would be dragged into it, and it wouldn’t take long for fans to realize you deleted your social media presence. Instead, he chose to head right to the bus, drink a couple beers, try your number one last time before getting the same damn automated apology, before settling into his bunk and sobbing himself to sleep. 

The boys hated seeing him like this, they had thought you were meant to be his for life, and they were just as shocked as him to hear of you leaving. When they were sure their heartbroken friend was asleep, they took their own turns trying to contact you, but they reached the same results as Calum. 

The next morning, Calum woke up to a phone call, and he too eagerly sat up, hoping it was you and the whole thing had been a nightmare, but his face fell when the caller ID said Management.

“Hello?” The bassisst grumbled into the phone.

“Hey Cal,” the sympathetic tone of one of their managers, Linda, greeted him, “I heard about what happened last night, and I know the last thing you want to do is talk about it, but in the next few days you will have to make a public statement if you are still engaged with-”

“Yeah, I know,” he cut her off, not ready to hear your name, not this soon, “I’ll post something on twitter, just give me some time to prepare.” 

“OK dear,” Calum could hear her small smile in her tone as she used to pet name she gave to all the boys, “I’ll let the team know, and if we need to cancel, just let us know OK?”

Calum took a deep breath, “Yeah, but we’re so close to finishing. I wanna power through it and go see Duke and get used to being in the house without [Y/N].”

“OK.. Just let us know, alright? We’re all here for you.”

Yeah, but I want her, Calum thought sadily to himself before responding, “Thanks Linda, I really appreciate it, you’re the best.”

He let Linda say her goodbyes before she hung up, and the rest of the tour was a blur to Calum. He kept the same pattern of getting up, going through his day, going to concerts, going to bed. The last two weeks of tour passed and before he knew it, Ashton was driving him to his Los Angeles home. Calum said nothing the whole way there, and Ashton knew this was going to be hard. 

“Listen man, if you want, I can grab Duke and some of his things and have you stay with me,” Ashton glanced at his friend in the seat next to him, biting his lip as Calum shook his head.

“No, part of moving on is getting used to what’s gone. I’ll call you if I need company though, I promise.”

The older man sighed but nodded, knowing Calum had to get through this in his own way if he was going to get through it all, but he walked him to the door and gave him one more hug before going back to his car.

With a deep breath, Calum unlocked the door and teared up at the sounds of Duke running to greet him.

“Hey bud,” he smiled as he sunk to his knees to pet his furry son, letting him lick all over his hands and face, “I missed you too.”

Duke barked happily and headed into the kitchen where his food and water awaited him. Calum followed, noticing the note on the counter from his neighbor. 

Hey Cal! I was last here around noon to let Duke out and I plan to be back around 4 in case you wanted to rest. If you are back before then, just shoot me a text so I know not to come over. I know you don’t wanna talk about [Y/N] so I didn’t say anything when you were on tour, but I hid her ring in the drawer with the bills. Also, and please don’t think I was being weird, I took out the trash when I first came over to take Duke out and noticed a pregnancy test in one of the trash bins.  [Y/N] knows now I know, but I knew you also deserved to know, you know? There’s something else I need to tell you, so when I come back at 4 I’ll tell you then.

Calum felt shock after shock as he read the letter. You were pregnant? Is that why you left? And what did the neighbor have to tell him that they couldn’t write in the note? He checked the time on his watch, seeing it was almost 3:30. He could go over and knock now, get the anticipation over with, but he remembered his neighbor car wasn’t in their driveway when Ashton dropped him off, so he settled on taking a quick shower and making a snack. He was grateful he knew what drawer not to open, the ring had too many memories he had spent the last two weeks getting over. 

It was 4:10 when he heard a knock on his door, and Calum hurried to leave his pizza rolls on the counter before rushing to the door, biting his lip when he saw his neighbor.

“Hey. Rian right? Thanks again for watching Duke while I was away... I could take him on his walk, but I did want to talk about the note you left.”

“Yeah, that..” Rian bit their lip, “So you know she was pregnant, but she left me her new number in case anything happened to Duke while you were still on tour, and her new address to send her letters too.. I talked to her before writing the note, and, while it took time, I convinced her that she had to be honest with you, in person, and she gave me permission to give you her address, if you still wanted to talk to her.”

Calum gasped, nodding, but trying to process the words. He thought he had lost you forever, and he still might have, but to get to see you again and know why everything had happened. He deserved that, and he knew that, no matter what happened at the end of the night. 

Rian wrote the address down and set it in his hand, “No matter what happens, I hope you both get the closure you need,” they smiled weakly, gave Duke some small pats, before leaving. 

The pizza rolls now abandoned, Calum grabbed Duke’s leash and his phone, quickly typing the address into the GPS before walking out with the small dog to the car. 

The Maori man had a tight grip on the steering wheel, driving past familiar sights as the map took him to an apartment complex close to where you lived when you two first met. 

He parked on the street then grabbed Duke’s leash before getting out. Taking a deep breath, he looked for your apartment number before knocking.

“Coming!” Your familiar voice rang through the opposite side of the door and Calum couldn’t believe this was actually happening. After weeks of agony, he was going to see you again.

You checked the peephole, biting your lip when you saw the man you called your fiance, still the handsomest man you have ever seen, standing with your furry son. Slowly, you opened the door, doing your best to give a small smile.

“Calum,” you greeted, “Hello..”

“Ba- [Y/N]. I know, about the baby, and I’m sure that’s why you left huh.”

Tearing up was already more than enough to confirm his suspicions, but he let you explain yourself.

“I’m sorry,” You sniffed, “I knew you would be a great dad, but I was so scared in the moment that I was going to ruin your career and your fans would hate me that I made you leave the band to raise a baby that was unplanned so I left and I had hoped that things would be fine but they’re not fine, because I hated myself for what I did to you and to me, and to our child. I’m not asking you to forgive me, the fact that you came to let me explain myself is enough.” You sobbed and placed an instinctive hand on your stomach as you waited for him to say something. 

He took a deep breath and tried to calm Duke, who was riled up by your tears, before whispering,

“My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.”

You sobbed but nodded at his words, “Which one will you listen to?”

He bit his lip, “The same one that told me to drop out of high school to form a band with my best friends,” he smiled softly as he stepped inside and he watched as you stepped back, not in fear but to let him in, “The same one that told me ask you out in that bar we met all those years ago, the same one that told me to come here, even after I thought everything was thrown away.” He gently wiped the tears from your cheeks as Duke settled at your feet and as he leaned in he whispered, “The same heart that knew it would never stop loving you.” He pressed his lips to yours gently, not fighting the smile as you returned the kiss with the same passion. 

“You, me, and little one now.” you sniffed and smiled, “No more separating, no more heartache.”

He nodded in agreement, “No more walking away,” he smiled, “Only kissing.” He pecked his lips to yours one more time before sinking to his knees and whispering to your stomach, “Hey baby, it’s daddy.” He looked up as he heard you sob again, but returned the smile you gave as you assured him they were happy tears and he gave gentle kisses to your tummy.

“Only kisses,” he mumbled into your skin, sealing the promise with a small peck to your belly button before looking up with his own happy tears. 

[sciencespies]

A New Generation of Autonomous Vessels Is Looking to Catch Illegal Fishers

https://sciencespies.com/nature/a-new-generation-of-autonomous-vessels-is-looking-to-catch-illegal-fishers/

A New Generation of Autonomous Vessels Is Looking to Catch Illegal Fishers

The first time engineers from Open Ocean Robotics pushed Scooby, a three-meter robotic boat, onto a lake near their office in Victoria, British Columbia, the small craft drove straight into the bushes. Clearly, the team had more work to do on the vessel’s autopilot.

Since that early mission last year, the start-up has won innovation awards, secured seed funding, and “spent tons of time on the water” ironing out the kinks in their autonomous vessels, says Julie Angus, the company’s CEO and cofounder. The 12-person team is now up against Connecticut-based tech company ThayerMahan and Marine Advanced Robotics from Silicon Valley in a cutting-edge design challenge to build a robot that can police illegal fishing in marine protected areas (MPAs). Scooby‘s successor (named after another character) completed the first stage in the multiyear project: a three-day field demonstration using surveillance technology to track boats, detect fishing activity, and collect evidence.

To protect marine wildlife and ecosystems and sustain fisheries, the United Nations, governments, and NGOs are pushing for more and bigger MPAs. But without a clear means of enforcing the regulations that govern them, these areas often draw criticism for being little more than paper parks. In partnership with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) and the California Department of Fish and Wildlife (CDFW), these three robotics companies are racing to prove that uncrewed vessels are up to the task.

Originally, the trial was planned for the Channel Islands National Marine Sanctuary off Santa Barbara, California, but pandemic restrictions meant the participants tested their prototypes separately from around North America and presented the results to the judges remotely. Justin Manley, founder of Just Innovation, the Massachusetts-based marine robotics consultancy coordinating the project, says the upside of the disparate testing is that it let them see how effectively the robots detected different types of fishing boats.

Daphne, an autonomous vessel, rests on blocks at the Open Ocean Robotics facility with its upper half removed so Colin Angus, the company’s cofounder and chief technology officer, can access the electrical systems.

(Vanessa Minke-Martin)

For the 72-hour trial, Daphne followed a route programmed by Open Ocean Robotics engineers. The craft switched between patrolling around Danger Reefs, a rockfish conservation area off Vancouver Island’s east coast, mapping the seafloor, and loitering in a safe anchorage. Back in a control room at the company’s office, team members had a multi-sensor view of the ocean environment. An array of screens displayed maps crisscrossed by Daphne’s path, red-on-black radar imagery, a high definition video stream, and other real-time data, all transmitted by cellular network. As two hired salmon trollers mimicked fishing in the protected area, a remote operator moved Daphne closer so the 360-degree and thermal cameras could capture images of the trollers’ names and fishing lines.

Daphne​’s surveillance systems collect different types of evidence. With radar, Open Ocean Robotics can identify, locate, and track targets. Angus says operators can infer suspicious activity if a ship is loitering or moving back and forth in a protected area, rather than transiting through. Comparing radar with automated information system (AIS) ship-tracking data is also useful for spotting suspect targets—“if a boat is fishing illegally, quite likely they’re going to turn their AIS off,” Angus says. Daphne also tows a hydrophone to collect corroborating audio, such as the whine of a hydraulic winch hoisting a fishing net.

For years, robots have worked underwater and on the sea’s surface to complete tasks too dangerous, expensive, or dull for humans. Now, they’re tackling more complex problems that require artificial intelligence, such as autonomously patrolling for submarines for the Australian Department of Defence. Civilian work, like policing MPAs, draws on similar technology.

The real question,” says Manley, “is can we collect enough information that law enforcement would act?” To do so, Daphne and its ilk will have to identify fishing activity with a high degree of accuracy.

One small Open Ocean Robotics vessel costs several hundred thousand dollars, depending on the sensors with which it is equipped.

(Open Ocean Robotics)

But this is an untested frontier. In the United States, no court case has relied entirely on information gathered by robots. In California, a vessel having fishing gear in the water in off-limits areas is grounds enough to prosecute. The design challenge judges—California state attorneys, and conservation and enforcement experts from NOAA and CDFW—are now gauging whether the evidence collected by the uncrewed vessels could hold up in court.

For the best robot design, there’s a staggering amount of work on the horizon. The United States has nearly 1,000 MPAs covering 26 percent of its territorial waters. Some, such as the 1,508,870-square kilometer Papahānaumokuākea Marine National Monument in Hawai‘i, are completely closed to fishing, while others have closures based on season, gear, or species.

Globally, there is a wide disparity in MPA enforcement capability—a gulf that is unlikely to be filled by robots like Daphne, given their substantial upfront costs. One small Open Ocean Robotics vessel costs several hundred thousand dollars, depending on the sensors with which it is equipped. But, Angus says, that price is one-tenth of the cost of a ship and crew time. “And you have the ability to deploy it 24/7,” she says.

From the Open Ocean Robotics control room, operators can program vessel movements and monitor surveillance data in real time.

(Vanessa Minke-Martin)

Lekelia Jenkins, a marine sustainability scientist at Arizona State University, says some developing countries do not have the resources for patrol boats and personnel. Even if these governments can obtain ocean robots, she adds, they “often don’t have the scientific manpower to analyze all that data.” In many cases, investing in healthcare, education, and overcoming poverty take precedence over fisheries enforcement.

Jenkins also says there’s a real trade-off to robots replacing people on the water. When local residents work as guardians or in ecotourism in protected areas, “people can point back and go, Here’s how I’ve benefitted financially from the MPA.”

Autonomous vessels reduce the need for people, Jenkins says, and robotics companies are more likely to bring in expertise than invest in training local residents to build specialized infrastructure or operate vessels.

The design challenge’s next stage will test the vessels on longer, more remote deployments.

(Open Ocean Robotics)

But long before docks are built to launch oceangoing bots, the participants need to show their technology is up to the task. The design challenge’s next stage will test the vessels on longer, more remote deployments. In those conditions, autonomous vessels will need to use AI to identify objects of interest then notify operators by satellite—capabilities that Open Ocean Robotics is currently developing.

Todd Jacobs, NOAA’s chief technology officer for unmanned systems, says developing AI is crucial to the use of uncrewed vessels. “There’s not enough data storage in the world to [keep] high definition images of the monotony of empty water, which is 90 or 98 percent what you’re going to see,” he says.

Agency wide, NOAA is investing US $12.7-million to increase its use of autonomous and remotely operated vessels, airplanes, and drones for science and enforcement. Over time, Jacobs says, data collected by uncrewed vessels will help NOAA discern patterns of illegal fishing activity, so the agency can focus enforcement efforts.

The future of robot police is nearly here—and governments are rushing to meet it.

Open Ocean Robotics’ technology has come a long way since that first day on the lake. On the ocean near Victoria this fall, Daphne surprised the engineers by moving off its programmed track to surf the wake of their research boat—on its own. If Open Ocean Robotics progresses to the next round, Daphne may soon be catching waves off California or Hawai‘i.

This article is from Hakai Magazine, an online publication about science and society in coastal ecosystems. Read more stories like this at hakaimagazine.com.

Related stories from Hakai Magazine:

In Covid’s Shadow, Illegal Fishing Flourishes

How Do You Surveil One of the Largest Marine Protected Areas on Earth?

#Nature

[derangedroyalfae]

March 21, 2018 - 11:40PM

Dear Nurd,

This isn’t a traditional letter. In fact, it’s almost like a screen shot of a conversation I had with Jewel last night (as you will be reading this hopefully on March 22nd) in regards to what’s been going on with me. I have a hard time talking in person, and as an author, best convey messages through written word rather than orally and spoken. Now I might seem to get harsh at times, but I’m in a complex state of mind. Rather erratic. I’m just going off pure emotion and experience. But I’d like you to know my side of things. My point of view. It was easier to try painting this picture for Jewel as to what was going on from my eyes. So yes, you may feel differently, but you need to understand that this is how I saw and experienced it. And, this is what I’m feeling and dealing with.

-start conversation-

6:47IN THE EVENIN'

Ratty: I think being off my birth control is fucking up my mood swings (or at least going back to normal). I've felt angry with Nurd for 3 days straight now. Or is it technically 4 since it started Sunday. I haven't told him yet, I try to play it cool, but when I'm feeling done with holding a conversation with him I just can't keep up the act and so he notices I'm upset, but doesn't know what about or why. Offers a listening ear, does everything right, but I'm just not ready to speak up, or at least afraid I will lash out unjustly. I just realized that it could be that I'm having mood swings, mainly cuz I've been off my birth control for over two weeks now. So with that thought in mind, maybe I'm ready to tell him. Don't know if it'll make me feel less angry, but it's at least easier to tell someone you're angry at them mainly cuz you haven't taken your medication.

9:22IN THE EVENIN'

Ratty: Fuuuuuuck. I almost broke out in tears at a public restaurant during my brother(-in-law)'s birthday dinner. Doesn't help that it feels like Nurd is treating everything I'm saying like I'm trying to start an argument, I'm not even trying to sound aggressive or anything, I'm talking normally but it's like he thinks I'm trying to start a fight. I hate when family (especially mother and sister) notices that I look like I started or will start crying and so they press me and ask about it but I'm just like "PLEASE DON'T BRING ATTENTION TO ME. Do me a solid here, don't have me talk about it in front of everyone and take away from the reason for being here."

Jewel: Oh goodness...are things any better now?

Ratty: I'm keeping/kept it cool, or trying/tried (birthday boy didn't notice, so I'm fine with that). On the road home now, but Nurd is in another car. My mom asked if I've been taking my Zoloft. I have a new psychiatrist, I see her for the first time next week.

Jewel: Oh. Are you out of your medications, is that why you haven't had it?

Ratty: No. I'm not out. I have doctors to refill me. I just didn't get my birth control until too late because insurance screwed me over. So I can't start taking birth control until my next period is over. Cuz I got my BC a week after the new cycle ended so you can't start taking until the cycle JUST ended. I did miss my Zoloft today. But missing my Zoloft doesn't usually affect me. I've been two weeks off a medication that affects your hormones that I had been taking for almost two years, of course I'm going to react.

Jewel: That makes sense

Ratty: But I also feel like Nurd was trying to fight tonight. I kept trying to stop things by saying "I'll stop talking forever now" and holding my tongue and just avoiding conversing with him too much. Didn't help that we were pretty much in a secluded corner.

Jewel: I guess you both just need some time to yourselves

Ratty: I don't know. Maybe he's just riffing off of me and is feeling attacked. I don't know. I just can't tell if I'm actually being bitchy. But he's making me feel bitchier. But I'm trying not to engage in those feelings. I'm avoiding getting into pointless arguments and lashing out. I'm trying not too.

Jewel: Maybe he's still feeling ruffled from feeling like you're angry at him for no reason, I donno. Which is why I thought it might be good to let him calm down a bit or something.

Ratty: He's not even sure that I'm angry at him. He's even apologized in advance when I told him before dinner that we'd talk about it afterward, thinking he either fucked up or he's sorry that something's upsetting me. So now I'm confused cuz now it's like he's starting to fight me but I don't know why he would if he's sorry. If someone thinks they fucked up, then usually people walk on eggshells. So now he's just being rude, inconsiderate, and his usually derpieness of not realizing what he's doing. Maybe not rude but it's just I'm trying not to fight it it feels like he is whether he knows it or not. Like when I had already repeated a couple times the line of shutting up forever, he was like "is that your quote of the day?"

Jewel: I donno, tbh, "shutting up forever" does sound kinda fighty, in a way. I donno, it would annoy me, like I'm doing something wrong when I don't think I am, if that makes sense.

Ratty: But he didn't say it like he was annoyed, more of in jest. While I was saying it to be like "I'm trying not to upset you so I'm going to stop talking cuz no matter what I say you're treating it like a fight." But I can't say that exact thing without causing a scene or embarrassing him in public. Nurd is the most fucking oblivious derpy ass I know. And every time he tries to make an excuse for his obliviousness, he says "I'm derpy today...well, derpier than usual" which it feels like he always fucking says. You can see how that gets annoying. Like, he doesn't need to keep fucking saying it, I KNOW.

Jewel: Isn't he saying that in jest? Or at any rate, if he has no other reply to being told he's oblivious

Ratty: I'm not looking for answers or excuses when he says it, he doesn't need to explain himself. No, he's explaining himself. And he almost always says it in the same way, and he doesn't realize it. CUZ HE'S A DERP. My anger got started with him with a stupid argument over a stupid trash can in our stupid bathroom (also with how he didn't tell me that he already cleaned most of the bathroom on my exact day I clean the bathroom and I had already (re-)cleaned everything by the time I found out, but that didn't bother me as much as the trash can). This happened Sunday. It just keeps getting left open and it's been bothering me for weeks and when I tried to talk to him about it, he was like "well I'm not even going to notice I left it open so I'm not going to close it" so it was just like pointless and he didn't get why I was so bothered by it even though I gave him reasons. He just ignored them and found other excuses. So I told him to get out of the bathroom so I could finish cleaning it. I wasn't going to drag on a pointless argument, because he will ramble on and on, mainly repeating himself. I am starting to know his patterns now and wasn't in the mood. I suppose I got this way even before taking any medication. I one day just woke up feeling angry with him. So I texted him an apology for feeling angry with him before we even met up that day and he was so good about it, confused, but understanding. At least this time the anger felt justified, if at least a little... And there's been spurts where I forget I'm upset and even been affectionate, but then he reactivates it and I'm done with talking to him. I was even gonna ask him on a date last night for this morning. Cuz I'm not trying to be the aggressor. I'm not trying to be ruled by this emotion. But tonight I just felt like he was unintentionally being a jerk. And I hate trying to explain myself to him when I'm upset or he did something that made me upset cuz he just says excuses and I hardly feel closure like my feelings weren't validated and practically ignored. He's a good guy but he's oblivious. He tries, but just can't get it sometimes. And when I'm an emotional train wreck, gods, it's a bad combination.

Jewel: I guess what I'm getting here is he mainly needs to get better at admitting a mistake instead of excusing it

Ratty: There's part of me that feels like I'll be too mean and/or embarrass him and a part of me that feels like my feeling will be discounted anyway so what's the point, and that's why I'm stalling telling him. Not only does he make excuses for his mistakes, he also over exaggerates, acts like he's keeping track of certain things, like how many goddamn times I've complained about Luna spilling a drink or something else I said. When I know that number he's pulling out his ass is too damn high. And he believes my memory is wrong as his is right. I know I have ADHD, so memory isn't my strong point, but so does he. And even people without ADHD have obscured memory and low chances of remembering things perfectly. Everyone has false memories, as someone who studied psychology (and with the same professor I had), he should know this. But he always hold to his memory. If the statements don't match his memory, the statements are wrong. And so that's why it's so fucking hard to explain myself to him as well, because his goddamn memory is his voucher. Because he remembers it differently. Because he's keeping track of this or that. But he's too oblivious to notice the trash can lid is open. I feel like just screen-shotting everything I've typed to you and send it, cuz it'd be a hell of a lot easier than to actual say it to him. Too much getting off track, of being able to say how I felt about it in the moment but my memories are wonked.

Jewel: I mean, you could send it to him slightly rephrased to address him. Or in general, it might help to write it out, even if you don't send him this

Ratty: He's the one always trying to push me to not be a pushover. To give the letters to my mom and sister. Wouldn't it only be right to give him his?

Jewel: I think it's worth a shot. So you can really properly lay your thoughts out, and he can read it at his pace and actually take it in, instead of replying right away before giving it some thought.

Ratty: We have a bad habit of cutting each other off, not being able to finish thoughts.

Jewel: Yeah, I can imagine. I feel like a lot of people tend to do that, myself included, sometimes.

Ratty: ADD people especially, don't wanna forget that thing that just popped into our hea- oops, now it's gone. We're also both impulsive...so yeah. I feel like talking to you has helped a lot, especially just getting this off my chest. I've actually barricaded my bedroom door with a cat tower cuz I don't have a lock on my knob. I'm not ready yet.

-end conversation-

Perhaps some things I’ve forgotten to mention that whilst you don’t get pissed off easily, you do get pissy a lot. I believe I’ve actually said that to you before. You just seem to get frustrated, defensive, and dismissive so quickly and it makes it hard for me to try and converse with you at times or even want to. 

At the end of the day, I love you so much and don’t want to lose you. But I’m getting to a point where I feel like banging my head against a wall or like I’m between a rock and a hard place with no where comfortable in between. And this could be mainly because of the mood swings. But I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings. That while they may be exaggerated, I’m still feeling them for a reason. I love you and hope this has been helpful to us both.

With love, trust, and communication,

Royal Fae

Post Script

I feel like this dialogue I had with Jewel after putting this together can also be very important and vital to you understanding the emotional turmoil I’m going through right now. It’s a very frightening and confusing state I’m in.

-start conversation-

11:58IN THE EVENIN'

Jewel: Sounds good too. But I guess what you mean by "I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings" is really that you think there is a valid reason, right?

Ratty: yeah

Jewel: Cuz the way this is worded almost sounds like wishful thinking/ Donno if I'm just interpreting things weird or overthinking it

Ratty: I don't know if I'm interpreting my feelings weird or overthinking it XD I guess it is wishful thinking. It's a really scary place that I'm at. I want to believe my emotions are mine. But I'm scared I'm not feeling justified things. I'm scared. I'm confused

Jewel: Yeah...if it's any help, the things you told me he does would annoy me too

Ratty: I want this to stop. I want my mood swing to go away. I want to be able to know that I'm feeling something and have the right to, not just because I'm hormonal. I feel like I just got hit hard by a truck of emotions, so I'm not sure which are truly my valid ones. I mean fuck, who gets angry with their fiancé for four days straight over a fucking trash can.

Jewel: In a way, something good might come of it. Cuz ultimately, these little things do add up in the long run. But if this experience helps you two work through these things, on the bright side, you both might come out stronger because of it.

Ratty: yeah, and that's why it's important to talk to him and tell him all of this

Jewel: After all, it's a fact that the biggest indicator of a couple breaking up or staying together is how often they work through or drop the little things.

Ratty: I almost feel like I'm crazy or becoming like my mom, you know? I can't wait to start seeing my psychiatrist. I thought I was doing fine, but maybe my mom was right. Maybe it's more than just the birth control.

Jewel: Why did you change psychiatrists, by the way?

Ratty: I moved

Jewel: Oh right, of course, that makes sense

Ratty: and I was doing better, I was at a point where I only needed to see her once a month and my therapist occasionally. But then there was that moment in October and now this. My low dosage of birth control can't be the only thing doing this to me

Jewel: Maybe it's the recent many changes? You moved, you were stressed about jobs until now, things like that

Ratty: I don't want to get hospitalized like my sisters and mom, I only ever had thoughts of hurting myself and slightly acting it out that one time, but it could be enough to scare a psychiatrist. But I don't want to hide that. I don't want to be hospitalized right after starting a new job, that is. I know I'm being paranoid, but Cat never actually tried to kill herself when she was hospitalized. Same for my mom.

Jewel: But since you've never even had thoughts of self-harm since then, would that still be enough? And you didn't actually harm yourself when you felt the urge

Ratty: I don't know. Every psychiatrist is different. You don't even have to a danger to yourself or others to be hospitalized. My mom only hurt herself once and it was because she had nerve pain and was trying to distract herself. I kinda did hurt myself. I slapped, bit, gripped, and knocked myself. Pulled my hair. I needed to not feel the emotional anguish. I just didn't jump out the window like I wanted to. Not in a suicidal way, just to hurt myself during the fall. I told you my emotions are going haywire right now. I'm being erratic and jumping to things. It was one time, and months ago. I shouldn't let it catch back up to me.

Jewel: Is there anything that might help calm or distract you even a bit? Just to ease things enough to not let it get worse.

Ratty: My insomnia has gotten bad again. Can't fall asleep for a long time until very late and then wake up rather early, almost unable to go back to sleep, which isn't something caused by sleep apnea. I have a fidget spinner now. Won it from a holiday game. I had it on me tonight during dinner and it helped. Luna helps and once I clear the rubble with Nurd…he should too…

Jewel: Does music help? Or those calming sounds things?

Ratty: sometimes…mainly music. Though, that one night, nothing could help. Only spacing out and drooling on myself like a lobotomized vegetable…

-end conversation-

[csrgood]

ATMP Facilities: The Cost of Manufacturing a Magic Bullet

  by Noel Maestre, PE, LEED AP ATMP Director

It’s a thrilling time to be part of an advanced therapy medicinal product (ATMP) project. You’re working on a new frontier of scientific discovery, using some of the fastest-evolving and most complex techniques available to potentially cure our most malignant diseases. For patients and drug developers alike, ATMP manufacturing could be a dream come true.

Unfortunately, turning that dream into reality is infinitely challenging. A frontier, by nature, has no roadmap. It’s uncharted territory, which means one thing: risk. Every company in the race towards commercial ATMP production knows this. First, there’s the risk of not moving fast enough, which could cost you your position in the marketplace. Then there’s the opposite and equally menacing risk of moving too fast, betting your success on unproven process equipment technology in a GMP environment. Layered on top of it all, adding further pressure to the shoulders of ATMP manufacturers, is the debate currently raging over the high cost of these curative therapies.

Given these challenging circumstances, how can drug companies expect to move boldly forward into a new era of ATMP manufacturing?

The biotech industry has been here before

I’ve just called ATMP manufacturing a “new frontier,” which isn’t entirely accurate. We saw a strikingly similar seismic shift when the biotech industry exploded in the 1970s and 1980s. Just like our modern ATMP innovators, drug companies of that bygone era ventured forward without a map, and they faced criticism and doubt over the initial sticker price of their products. It’s easy to forget now, but it took that industry two or three decades to standardize their platform and processes to a degree that made it possible to lower the cost of their therapies. There’s no reason to think that today’s ATMP manufacturing industry won’t follow a similar trajectory, from a high number of unknowns and a correspondingly high sticker price to a templated process that allows for fast deployment and controlled costs.

To get there, though, we need to recognize what makes today’s inflection point different and unique. Those early biotech innovators were primarily developing just one modality, monoclonal antibody therapies, and the complex stainless facilities designed to serve that single modality took seven or eight years from conceptualization to licensure. Today’s ATMP manufacturers have to contend with developing multiple modalities in parallel, and instead of a decade to design and build their facilities, they’re under pressure to sprint from conceptual to operational in just a year or two.

While we can find hope in the patterns of the past, we also find an urgent need to update our strategic approaches. With that in mind, here are three essential strategies that, when applied correctly and diligently from the earliest planning stages through your project’s maturity, will help position your ATMP facility for ongoing success.

Three strategies for successful ATMP facility designStrategy #1: Focus on multimodal production suites

Contract manufacturing organizations (CMOs) need the flexibility to respond to ever-evolving client needs. Likewise, manufacturers who are bringing their ATMP production activities in-house have complex product pipelines and need the flexibility to develop different modalities in parallel, unsure of which will ultimately go to market. Both are united by the same challenge: they need a facility that can accommodate a pipeline of four or five product types, each requiring a highly sensitive process. But designing a bespoke production suite unique to each modality would lead to astronomical costs and a sprawling, inefficient facility.

Here’s the solution: by partnering with facility design experts who specialize in ATMP production, manufacturers can successfully identify and exploit opportunities to produce different modalities inside the same production suite. For example, one suite might be designed for an “off the shelf” large-scale allogeneic cell therapy process, a monoclonal antibody process, and viral vector manufacturing. All three modalities share similar process unit operations, and with careful engineering, each could be manufactured in the same place. It’s even within the realm of possibility that such a suite, using closed process technology, could support concurrent “patient-specific” autologous cell therapy manufacturing.

These multimodal suites allow ATMP manufacturers to campaign between modality-specific process platforms, which raises the value of each square foot inside a facility. This level of flexibility, once considered outside the realm of possibility for such highly customized and novel processes, is now emerging as an essential feature of an efficient ATMP facility design. Those who come out at the top of the industry in the next few years will surely have understood and embraced this opportunity for multimodal production.

Strategy #2: Prioritize closed, automated process technology

That biotech boom of the 1970s and 1980s gave us many of the open, manual processes that you’ll find in current ATMP R&D labs—processes that rely heavily on human operators. Although these processes are used in cutting-edge investigations, they’re based on antiquated and unscalable techniques, and they’re under intense regulatory scrutiny. Just think of the cleanroom operator sitting at her biosafety cabinet. That may be fine for clinical research, but when you scale her process to a commercial volume, you quickly run up against unrealistic demands for human capital and an unacceptable risk of cross-contamination.

ATMP manufacturers need to move towards more advanced equipment technology that closes and automates manufacturing processes as much as possible. Put simply, the more humans you remove from the process, the faster you can move product through your pipeline and the lower your risks.

The problem is, this technology is so novel that much of it hasn’t yet been proven outside of the process development lab, and no one wants to be the guinea pig. The key to overcoming this barrier is partnership. A new breed of process technology specialists has emerged to help manufacturers undertake a thorough good manufacturing practice (GMP) assessment of new equipment platforms. These specialists, who are part of a modern design and engineering team that specializes in ATMP facility design and process closure technology, will partner with manufacturers and operating companies to understand the risks and opportunities of new and emerging technology, vis-a-vis a facility’s expected throughput and the needs or limitations of its operators. This partnership will de-risk the equipment selection process and help manufacturers define a confident path toward the highly efficient, closed, automated technology they need to pull ahead of their competition and design a facility of the future.

Strategy #3: Commit to delivery approaches designed for rapid deployment

Traditional approaches to new facility design and execution, based on sequential design-bid-build methodologies that rely on field-constructed strategies, are failing the industry as it teeters on the verge of an important shift. So what’s the alternative?

(i)  Lean project delivery 

Everything about ATMP manufacturing challenges the status quo, including the way we deliver complex capital projects. A traditional approach focuses on identifying the lowest bidder, often at the expense of speed, quality and due diligence. Project teams operate as separate, highly compartmentalized entities, leaving them prone to inefficiencies, low performance and costly re-work.

By contrast, the benefits of lean project delivery are well-documented. Rather than approach work packages sequentially, with one individual completing their part and handing the project to the next in line, lean delivery is all about applying a coordinated, simultaneous effort in order to reduce rework and improve speed. Communication flows unimpeded between team members, reducing the volume of costly change orders and eliminating redundant or wasteful activities.

Most importantly, team members on a lean project share a single, integrated vision of overall risks and rewards. This alters behaviors and facilitates a culture of working towards the greater good of the project, rather than jostling for individual successes. For ATMP manufacturers who depend on moving fast while getting it right, this shift in mindset is essential.

(ii) A modular construction approach

To support the tenets of lean project delivery, project teams must be prepared to continuously release designs to offsite partner shops. This strategy allows several overlapping workstreams to advance in parallel under controlled conditions, which dramatically reduces delivery timelines while improving overall quality.

This approach isn’t just reserved for facility construction (like pods); equipment vendors, cleanroom vendors and other suppliers are embracing modularity, helping to reduce traditional bottlenecks and move projects along more quickly. As this trend continues, we’ll see more and more opportunities to modularize ATMP facility construction through the application of standard, industry-proven platforms and processes.

Today’s strategies lead to tomorrow’s ATMP facility

Tomorrow’s successful ATMP manufacturers are choosing to embrace the strategies proposed by today’s leading designers and builders—strategies that reveal a facility’s potential through multimodal design, process closure/automation, and rapid deployment. The endgame is to not only help to resolve the manufacturing capacity shortage currently throttling the industry; it’s also to position today’s innovators on the same path as the biotech pioneers of the last century, who were able, through innovation and persistence, to standardize production and lower the cost of therapies for patients.

This is important. By applying due diligence to the design and operation of these facilities, thereby continuously reducing the price associated with these products, we can gradually shift the popular conversation away from the cost of cell and gene therapies and onto the value of these therapies. What we’re doing is giving patients an alternative to “maintenance”; we’re offering a real-life magic bullet, wherein the magic is in the precise and groundbreaking science of ATMPs. We owe it to those patients to do this as efficiently as we can so that everyone wins—business owners and patients alike.

At CRB, we’re committed to the principles of flexibility, lowering patient risk, and reducing cost through lean project delivery and to the explosive potential of ATMP manufacturing. Whatever stage you’re at in your own project’s development, we can offer strategic guidance and advice, helping to ensure you’re among the winners in this race towards commercial success.

Call on us. We’re ready.

source: https://www.csrwire.com/press_releases/44838-ATMP-Facilities-The-Cost-of-Manufacturing-a-Magic-Bullet?tracking_source=rss

[coxcouture]

On slopers, styles and systems

Are slopers really necessary? I don’t think they’re working for me anymore. In the past, I’ve made skirts and shirts from a sloper I custom made for myself. I’m finding they still don’t always fit well. I can’t rely on my sloper to lead to a varitation of it that will fit well. Maybe it’s because my body changes. Maybe my sloper isn’t perfect.

I’m starting to wonder if I can use patterns directly out of the envelope instead of adapting my sloper for new designs. Of course, I do not and would not ever blindly stitch a pattern right out of the envelope without making some accommodations. That’s what I did as a novice sewer and predictably I would get highly frustrated and discouraged at the resulting ill-fitting garment. When I use a pattern straight out of the envelope, I leave extra-wide side seam allowances and pin fit as I go along. You have to as one pattern can hardly suit every body type.

If I do all that, why bother with the sloper at all? I am not anymore. That is the approach I took with this latest black skirt pictured above. I did not follow the pattern design’s dart placement at all. I have found that skirt shaping works best for me if I place no darts in front and two darts in back. This works for my shape.

Then again, this wrap skirt is extremely easy. Whcih brings me to the next development in my sewing methodology. I’m embracing simple styles. Simple does not have to be ordinary.

I have long embraced challenging patterns with intricate details. In high school, I gravitated towards the Vogue patterns because they were the most complicated. I have not been inhibited by complex steps. Witness:

The Hidden Zipper Placket

The Welt Pockets

The Lace Trim Dress

The French Cuff Sleeves

These details are delicious. You have to plan for them at the beginning.

I have no objection to a challenge, but simple can be lovely too. That is why I was drawn to this Vogue Basic pattern, with its unassuming style yet delicate button feature.

The fabric is a quality wool knit recycled from a large wrap skirt I picked up at a rummage sale last fall. There are no closures other than the two sets of aesthetically placed buttons. A beginner could make this skirt. Simple yet distinguised. Versatile. I find myself being drawn to such styles. An added benefit is that they get finished more quickly, leading to an earlier gratification of completion.

As for systems, dear reader, I am sure you are tired of me berating myself for working on multiple projects at once. I’m sure you are tired of hearing how I will reform. I am here to tell you that I’m not going to talk about that anymore. I have found a system that works for me and I’m going to stick to it. Indeed, I keep falling back into it.

With my limited time, it does not make sense to work on only one project at a time. Such a method would involve getting up and down from the machine to the ironing board (half of sewing is ironing. HALF) after every seam, which is ineffcient. 

So I operate like an assembly line: I pin a bunch of projects in one pocket of time; I zip through a bunch of seams in the next pocket. And I feel good about what I accomplish. Ahhhhhhh.

[lewiskdavid90]

95% off #The Complete JavaScript Course: Build a Real-World Project – $10

Master JavaScript with the most complete JavaScript course on the market! Includes projects, challenges, final exam, ES6

All Levels,  – 17.5 hours,  113 lectures 

Average rating 4.7/5 (4.7 (816 ratings) Instead of using a simple lifetime average, Udemy calculates a course’s star rating by considering a number of different factors such as the number of ratings, the age of ratings, and the likelihood of fraudulent ratings.)

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Course description:

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  About Instructor:

Jonas Schmedtmann

Hi, I’m Jonas! I have been identified as one of Udemy’s Top Instructors and my best-selling HTML5 and CSS3 course has recently made it to the TOP 3 of the best Web Development courses.

I’m a web designer and developer with a great passion for building beautiful new things from scratch. I’ve been building websites since 2007 and also have a Master’s degree in Engineering. It was in college where I first discovered my passion for teaching and helping others by sharing my knowledge. And that passion brought me to Udemy, where my students really appreciate that I take the time to explain important concepts in a way that everyone can easily understand. Do you want to learn how to build awesome websites with HTML5 and CSS3? Want to know how to make your websites look beautiful and professional? Looking for a complete JavaScript course that takes you from beginner to advanced developer? Then enrol in my courses today and join 85,000+ happy students. If I had to describe each of my courses in one sentence, I would say “This is exactly the course I wish I had when I first started building websites”. So if you don’t want to go through all the books and thousands of online articles and tutorials like I did, then enrol in my course today! I will be very happy to share my knowledge with you, and help you with everything I can along the way. Because happy students make me happy too!

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