#and not like one in a top-notch zoo with spacious enclosures and stimulating enrichment activities

[firelord-frowny]

i promise im not trying to sound Special when i lament about how alien i feel from the rest of the world - or at least the rest of the community I'm surrounded by* - buuuuuuuuuuut

consider the question "where do you want to be in life?"

People usually answer that by expressing a desire to move up in their career and pursue their dream job. Maybe they wanna get married. Maybe they want financial freedom. They want to lose unhealthy habits and learn healthier ones. They want to go get their masters degree. their phd. they wanna buy their dream car.

But when I answer that question - when someone asks me where I want to be in life - I really tell them WHERE.

I describe a location. Not a job, or a lifestyle, or a relationship.

I want to be in Alaska (or any similarly wild and wide region a la Gaines, PA). I want to live far enough away from major roadways that I can go hours at a time - maybe even days - without hearing a car pass by. I want there to be a direction I can look in where I won't see anything manmade - only the bare naked landscape of earth, the way the earth meant for itself to be. I want it to get so dark at night that the milky way casts a shadow in the summertime. I want to see auroras. I want it to snow in winter. A lot. I want to look outside and see rare birds.

I could land my dream job and meet the love of my life and become a multi millionaire and I could win an oscar for best original screenplay and I could be part of an award wining string quartet and I could publish books and i STILL would not be happy, because the only thing that I truly value besides the health and safety of my loved ones is the ability to feel connected to the planet that humankind evolved in.

I wanna breathe the air we breathed 50,000 years ago. I wanna water the plants I pick my fruit from. I wanna see the stars that our most ancient ancestors learned to rely on. And I don't care what kind of ~wellness~ and ~self care~ and ~mental health~ bullshit anyone ever tries to do. You cannot compensate for or substitute the mental/spiritual fulfillment that comes from experiencing life on earth in a way that's in harmony with the natural processes of the universe.

It makes me fucking sick to my stomach when some smiling news anchor babbles the report from on their teleprompter that lectures about how "studies show that spending at least 15 minutes a day outdoors in a natural area can improve your mood!"

15 minutes? is this a fucking joke to you? I live my life in a concrete hellscape of putrid air, lights that never get turned off as they flicker and buzz, high-pitched electronic noise frequencies that set my nerves on fire, and you wanna fucking condescend to me about how Fifteen Minutes Or More Could Save You 15% On Existential Emptiness??? i fucking HATE you.

When I tell people how utterly hollow I feel in this urban wasteland of bricks and asphalt and right angles, they're eager to tell me all about the Lots Of Really Nice Parks In The Area. They really think they're giving me useful information. They feel genuinely happy to have bestowed me with knowledge that will make it all better. They really think strolling a few times around the fitness trail a Allen Pond is gonna fill me with peace. They really think I'll find calm and clarity at the national arboretum. They don't understand the the thing I need from the world does not exist here within a 200 mile radius. Do you get it??? It's like living on a diet of nothing but potato chips. It'll keep me alive for a good while, but I'm still going to die prematurely from a heart attack or whatever.

I hate it here and therapy and deep breathing cannot ever fix that.

I just need to GET OUT.