#and of course dont leave it at just anon asks. use your better judgement always when dealing with randos online.

[marsti]

i am not joking when i say trolls have gotten shittier at what they do. successful trolling and flamebait is a lost art. nowadays they just send you an ask like "it's really problematic that you did XYZ" expecting you to get angry and defensive. and thats because most people have honestly really failed to adapt to this kind of trolling? it keeps working, they keep doing it.

if an anon criticizes you all like "im a lesbian and-" or "im a trans man and-" or "im a poc and-" or whatever thats your queue to disregard everything they say. because you cant verify that. you have to internalize that it's in your best interest to treat all annoying anons as being sent by the same white middle class american cishet guy named kyle, and he just has a lot of free time and no friends.

"but what if it's not kyle! what if theyre actually a lesbian/trans man/poc/&c?" well theyre not looking for open discussion, if they were they wouldnt send an anon ask. so it literally doesnt matter, treat them as if theyre kyle anyway. and remember youre not a public figure youre literally just blogging, you dont need to be "held accountable" for anything.

and same goes for "thoughts on [controversial topic]?" and "why did you do [accusation]?" type anon asks. thats kyle again, hes just gotten bored with claiming every marginalized identity under the sun. if they wanna prove theyre not kyle all they gotta do is uncheck that box.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[savnofilter]

ive been getting a lot of hate asks and stuff about my dabi fic posted yesterday and i'd post about it now rather than leave for it later. *here is the comment that was in my fic that made some people upset. it's from the original doc and has now been edited out from the story itself.

when i had written it, it was ONLY in reference to the kink (chikan) itself since it is a popular genre in hentai's/pornos and an actual issue in Japan. "sick obsession" was in reference to the perversion of groping, not the people themselves. just like if i were to write something for ex; america, it would be something like, "america had a sick obsession for teacher and student relationships". the part itself just was not the best way to describe it since i directly am not from Japan. it wasnt meant to say that "japan people are xyz". i do not believe that Japanese people are rapists, and although it came across as that anyways, i do feel sorry about it because it wasnt my intention at all. if you know me, im one of the people who hate any type of stereotypes/jokes about asian people. in me explaining the quote, i am in no way excusing what was written, just explaining what i was thinking when i wrote it. i do now understand that it was insensitive, and it was my fault for even thinking it was a good idea to put in the story in the first place.

it didnt cross my mind that to any reader that it would be offensive and it's ironic considering it placed in anime fic of all places. the line wasnt removed to cover it up, it was deleted because i realized i had fucked up and didnt want anyone else to feel like that reading my story. for that anon and anyone else who took offense to it i am very sorry because i really didnt think it through and there isnt an excuse for it. just poor judgement and writing.

the second issue is that people were saying i condone/support rape now because they think the reader gets assualted in the fic. i do not write rape nor do i condone it. never in the story does reader get raped and i even state that Dabi wouldnt do that to someone (because i believe he wouldnt), especially to someone he does/nt know. in my fics i always make sure to add in that either character x reader know each other and have discussed such kink, and or character gets a definite answer to reader that they (reader) wants it. even if i were to write it, it would be for something plot wise and not just "yes good assualt" and the whole story wouldnt sexualize it. yes it was poor timing, and yes i still believe in everything ive said before and even now.

since we're on the topic of consent fics anyways, i had also freshly started receiving hate about writing dub-con only after i had made a callout post (back in july) and all that jazz. from then, i have even stepped up from my earlier works to put in the tags to make sure that it does not come across someone's dash who doesnt want it. in addition to this, i have used better warnings on my works as well. since i think it's important to discuss it now, i will talk about what i write. 45/55 of the time when i do write dub-con, it isnt for the ✨ kink ✨ or to sexualize the moment. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit it since i have never talked about my personal life ever on my blog so to open up about this is hard and i dont want people to perceive this as an excuse, just the p.o.v of where i produce my works.

please do not make fun of or mock me, it's hard enough talking about this as is. many events in my life have led to shaping me into thinking/believing that intercourse has to be reluctant at first to really enjoy it. since i also have enough trust issues on my own to physically cope with it, i use writing for it instead. and no, this has nothing to do with aforementioned callout post either. of course i know now from proper treatment and working on myself that sex isnt supposed to be like that but it's just my outlet with getting it out. my issue with people who write non-con/rape have not experienced it or focus it mainly on being assualted just because it makes the story "hot", which doesnt sit right with me. not only this, they do not tag/warn properly either, which i do (explanation in blue).

as a reader i do think you can send me asks like, "hey, i dont like that you did this" because i can always keep that criticism in mind for my later stories. had it been an ask (or asks) that had been genuine concern would have been fine, but the fact that people are sending around a screenshot and jumping to make posts so they can get a chance to bully me again is the same toxicity i was talking about. if you were actual supporters of mine (whether you didnt like what i wrote or not), why was the thought of sending it to people who hate me the first thought to do? were you expecting me to say i didnt do it? unlike most people i can admit to my own wrongdoings.

its the fact that REAL people were offended and you guys are using it for your sad agenda to have everyone hate me. you guys are OBSESSED with stalking me even though you cant stand me. bringing up old callout posts and then trying to shove words into my mouth that arent there show very clearly what yalls true motives are. capitalizing on my mistakes and waiting for moments where i say something you dislike is NOT you playing hero, youre just toxic people waiting for an outlet to abuse someone. stop pretending to care about issues when you dont. any asks/etc related to this that are just straight up hate will not be answered.