#and outside of it they're genuiely friends and like each other

[end-orfino]

droners might have some flaws but i really think that if someone wants to write a proper rivals to lovers dynamic then they should study whatever hannah and corto have as a reference

[3s-diary]

okay do its 2:49 am and im writing this in a locked note on my notes app, but it's not leaving me alone so. I'll finally let myself think about it. so on friday, it was the last day of school and after school there was a party hosted by our grade in order to make money (for a level celebrations). me and pou had been sorta planning to go,since we never went clubbing together before. so yeah long story short we went, got something to pregame, met a few people from our grade and outside, walked around for a bit and then decided to go inside. she had met a guy which she had previously met at parties (and made out with) before. He is, btw her best friends cousin, and the girl does not know about this, but that's not my problem tbh. so yeah he was nice and all and we were clubbing for like 3 hours (things happened but i think they're mostly irrellevant, except i had a sorta conflict with a homophobic girl and pou constantly made out with the guy) and yeah after a while we found each other in the crowd again and danced together and listen this is the thing. she came closer and i didn't even realize it but she tried to kiss me??? like i couldn't even process it fast enough the only thing i knew was that her lips were warm and i could taste her lipgloss but?? I mean i was sorta drunk so maybe that impacted me but i couldn't when i realized what was going on she already stopped again, since like,i wasn't kissing her back at all.christ it was so sudden and the last thing i expected. my mind was hardly processing any of it but i immediately said "can we never do this again pls" and she was like okay sorry and i kissed her on the cheek bc i didn't wanna be cruel. so what you might think is wtf elias you just rejected a girl in the most cruel way but you have to consider that

1:we have known each other for 11 years. we have been friends for so long, things like this feel...unusual

2:i was so baffled everything that happened was instinct

3:she had been making out with someone else all night

4:nobody ever tried to kiss me before

yeah so oops i guess. i have no idea how to even kiss someone. maybe if i wouldn't have been drunk and shocked i would've managed but??maybe not?? and like she's my friend of YEARS she's the last person i expected to kiss that night. i made my way out of the crowd and texted dipsy something like 'p u triie to k isme' but also. i sorta immediately wished id kissed her back. but what i wad wondering is what the hell her intention behind this was. bc depending on that my reaction was fitting or....not at all fitting

1:its the 'girl bsfs who make out on parties' thing. I'm not a girl but i feel like most my friends see me as one so

in that case i am absolutely not cool with this and i do not want this to happen.obv. idk how close to us the guy she previously made out with was. but maybe this played into it

2:she genuiely kinda liked me

in that case WTFmm cuz we've known each other so long and she never hinted at liking me ever. in that case i also wish id acted differently bc in that case i prob hurt her

3:she just felt like it in the moment

honestly can't blame her,problem was just i didn't know how to deal with it

now i have no idea the circumstance or how she felt abt me rejecting her or whatever, but i know what my feelings rn are. i wish id kissed her back.its not like i have a crush on her or anything but id like to have kissed her then. and now i told her i never wanted to kiss her, which, great job elias, very smart. and i know a few more things. that I'm probably the first guy ever who rejected her, and that she was the first person who ever tried to kiss me. and that does something i think. maybe it doesn't whatever. long story short what the hell her intention was has been eating me uo for the past days and i've hated myself for reacting like that. and also dipsy replied with like I've been shipping you for ages how could i miss this which, whatever she says.

anyways later that night she went on a 'walk' with the guy and when we had to leave i had no idea where she was and i panicked and called her and asked the whole club abt her bc i had no idea where shw was,shw came back a little late but was alright. she apologized and we were picked up home, when we were both home she apologized again and told me she was really sorry. i have forgiven her and all, but those things still weigh on me a little, so i have been hesitating to talk to her or ask her to hang out whivh we planned to do.

anyways ill just try to get over myself and say hi or sometjing and stop beating myself up abt one (potential) kiss.