#she1pou1

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the literal day after that pou asked me to go club with her so i told my ma that id sleep over at her house, faked her signatured and we went after trying to buy vodka(they id us) and taking a while before being able to get in.she started being with that one guy which she made out with a lot and i sometimes talked to people or danced a bit, but often times i was alone and it was boring, i was sorta glad when we went home at 3, the cab driver was really nice. a few days later pou called and asked whether we could come over so i did and she told this really traumatizing story of a guy who came over to "go for a drive with her" but just ended up using her for sex and was a real asshole. she started crying and i tried my best to help her out, i went to the store with her to buy ingredients for something she wanted to make and wine, since she wanted to drink to feel better, which i of course advocated against , however she claimed if i didn't go with her shed do it alone. so after i helped her cook a little bit i had to leave, before we ate or drank anything, so i told her to pls not drink too much alone and that i was still really worried, however she really seemed to do a bit better. the next day me her and dipsy met at her house and pregamed with the leftover wine(she did drink one bottle alone after all) to go to a village party. when we were there me and pou got way too wasted too quick so her mom was called and we both threw up in her house for like an hour before i could go home (my ma was really pissed of course, but.well) and thats all i wanna talk about because i already had to discuss this with classmates a lot and yeah it wasnt comfy. 2 days later i went back to school and it was my bday, pou and dipsy came to my house and we ate pizza and all that!!! that was quite cool. also a week or so later me and dipsy went to our coaches house with the rest of our team wherw we played beer pong and werewolf, it was nice, and thats all i remmeber abozt summer.

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woah, its novemeber and i remember writing the holiday report posts in bio class after the holidays, then forgot to do the rest of it, which is okay however, that was a whilw ago but the quick recap is in week 5 i went to the netherlands which was partly really nice bc i hung with my homie there and partly really awful bc i. felt so dysphoric and lonely that i cried a lot and stared at the. wall or ran away from the restaurant once so no one would notice. overall i was happy to be gone from home tho and had a few happy moments, im really thankful for being able to go. since we both graduate next year, i hope the person i always meet there and me will see each other again at all. just one day after i went back home me and my friends left to go to a youuth hostel which was really just a fever dream. on the train ride there dipsy was anxious and nauseous all the time bc she gets like insanely scared of being late or anything. when we were there however we hung in the hostel, the food was okay(im a picky eater so that was a big worry) and we went to the store to get snacks and stuff to drink.the next day we tried to go to a nearby memorial, which didnt work bc we didnt get how the bus traffic worked at all, which is why we got really frustrated and me and dipsy wanted to gi home whilw pou wanted to keep trying and we just sorta went home pissed and did nothing afterwards and i was really depressed as soon as i had alone time and any thoughts passed my head. every "social break" we took, was sorta dipsys decision and she either went for a walk or watched shameless whilw pou slept and i listened to music and overthought. i didn't like them, but well come to that. im not quite sure anymore, but i think we went for a run afterwards which was really okay and then (after i almost had a breakdown over the community showers, but i lickily managed to shower when no one was there) went to dinner. i think during that as well as after pou started crying, which she did often (or had general emotional outbursts) which me and dipsy sometimws didn't know how to handle, for my part ir was especially because i was very deep inside my own problems and couldn't even care for myself. then we started drinking and after we got in a fight again we went for a huge walk in the middle of the night and i told them all the things ive never told noone before, like my eating issues and the stuff about my relation to men , and essentially all the stuff that happened with my ex bsf as well as every thing that happened with my dad and mom. (yeah, in the middle of the night, wasted, in a city weve never been before). i still dk how to feel abt that but they tried to understand, and pou told us about how she doesnt get along with her dad and about all the boys who were assholes towards. her. it was really,,, weird somehow how we just spilled everything we stfu about before all at once, I don't even know what else to say about that but it was just . a situation.

the next day we went to the city and ate pitza as well as got funny little drinks and walked around. in the evening we (for WHATEVER REASON) decided to walk to the memorial we couldnt get to before so we started going at like 11pm. however when we already walked for a bit dipsy said we should return bc its like totally unsafe and we could break our legs(bc the route was really leading up a hill and through a forest) and i was really mad bc we just decided altogether to go there, however i was so emotionally drained that i had no energy to really even argue. pou got really pissed as well and they argued whilw i felt like just disappearing tbh. we ended up going, on the way there i started crying and when they asked what was wrong i tried to explain how ive been feeling to drained and lonely all along and thought it would get better here but it didnr and i cant do this anymore ans they hugged me but didn't know what to say so we kept walking vut i couldnt stop crying and didnr wanna talk to them. the 2 of them tried talking out some of our conflicts, which wouldve been nice to see but i didnr partake bc all i wanted to do was die and idk tgose 1.5 hours we walked in the dark were a huge fever dream, all i didn was wish i was dead and cry my eyes out .whwn we got there it was cool, i managed to stop crying at some point. we literally walked back on a street without a side walk so wehad to jump into the bushes everytime there was a car, which was so weird and dipsy was so anxious about it and the conversations we had were really weird kinda and idk what the hell was up. we found a few books on the street which pou wanted to take with her but we thought it was creepy (and nowadays everything is a sex trafficking method,so...) so we talked her out of it and we got in a fight abt that and then we got into a fight about ehich time we should get up cus we had to check out at 9 am. like. whatever the next day dipsy was anxious throuufhtout the whole trip again but yeah we got home. that was our trip together and its the weirdest thing thats ever happened to me, i also feel like it wouldve wenr a lot different if all of use wozldve been in a better mental state, we always sorta fuck up hangouts when at least one of us is doing bad, it just really ruins it. but yeah we were home.

[3s-diary]

holidays, weeks 1/2. I have talked on here about how my friend tried to kiss me and i was confused?yeah. right after i felt very bad and off, partially fur to hangxiety ig. A few days later i decided to text her tho and pretend nothing happened and we hung out and it was fine. we prepared food and went to a city near us where we chilled in the sun and slept behind a house (which was an odd experience bc there were a bunch of people smoking and walking around at times then there were men meeting up and watching videos apparently at some point guys with a dog pulled up and did sp33d but they were nice so its ok). a few days later we hopped on a random train hoping to find a new cuty we havent been to and we found this small ass town we explored, it was quite nice I got a little bag and 2e walked around and took photos.since there wasnr any clothing stores tho, we went to our local mall after and my friend st0le something without telling me first which was sorta my fault bc she talked abt oh this is nice it doesnt have a tag can i just take it and i was like just dont make it obv if you shoplift and 8 dont think shes done it before but when we got out of the store she was like yeah i took them with me btw and i was like oh. bc listen i used to steal a bit but everytime i allow myself to it becomes an obsession and all i think abt in stores is atealing so the rest of the time in the mall i just thought abt what i could steal it was not nice but whatevvvv. after a few more days she left and. went to bratil w her family (which was really nice apparently) so i was alone for 2 more weeks. see next part

[3s-diary]

hey its eli and im taking a diy break in bio rn. basically what happened rge last few months was that i had summer break which started off with me and my friend habging out a bunch, then my vacation plans were delayed so i hung at home all alone for days and days in which i felt very lonely and depressed ehich i thought would fix itself when i went to the netherlands, but spoiler alert it didn't. I formulated a huge post about this but tumblr didnt wanna post it and i lost like 10000 words (that made me feel even worse but whateverrr). in the netherlands i cried a lot but also i hubg with my friend there a bunch so yk. then i went on vacay with my 2 frienss and it was difficult, since at least 2/3 of us were in a huge down and we had some fights but also some good moments.ehatever then i went home and had a few more days left, i donr remember what i did in those oh i hung with pou and got wasted most the time, once so severely we threw up for an hour but thats a differnt story. anyways shes not foing good. im not eithrr. and then achool started on my bday ehich was alr my ma and me got into a fight and ahe was so cold to me the whole day but me and my friemds went out for pitza and mate and erything.now ive been back to school for 6 days and rn im in bio class proceastinating. last year i was so motivated, now all i wanna do is quit but gotta pull through for another 9 months so ill get good a levels ///

where was i umm yeah i will talk about the holidays in detail, rn im trying to win a bit of motivation for school, english aucks alr haha

[3s-diary]

okay do its 2:49 am and im writing this in a locked note on my notes app, but it's not leaving me alone so. I'll finally let myself think about it. so on friday, it was the last day of school and after school there was a party hosted by our grade in order to make money (for a level celebrations). me and pou had been sorta planning to go,since we never went clubbing together before. so yeah long story short we went, got something to pregame, met a few people from our grade and outside, walked around for a bit and then decided to go inside. she had met a guy which she had previously met at parties (and made out with) before. He is, btw her best friends cousin, and the girl does not know about this, but that's not my problem tbh. so yeah he was nice and all and we were clubbing for like 3 hours (things happened but i think they're mostly irrellevant, except i had a sorta conflict with a homophobic girl and pou constantly made out with the guy) and yeah after a while we found each other in the crowd again and danced together and listen this is the thing. she came closer and i didn't even realize it but she tried to kiss me??? like i couldn't even process it fast enough the only thing i knew was that her lips were warm and i could taste her lipgloss but?? I mean i was sorta drunk so maybe that impacted me but i couldn't when i realized what was going on she already stopped again, since like,i wasn't kissing her back at all.christ it was so sudden and the last thing i expected. my mind was hardly processing any of it but i immediately said "can we never do this again pls" and she was like okay sorry and i kissed her on the cheek bc i didn't wanna be cruel. so what you might think is wtf elias you just rejected a girl in the most cruel way but you have to consider that

1:we have known each other for 11 years. we have been friends for so long, things like this feel...unusual

2:i was so baffled everything that happened was instinct

3:she had been making out with someone else all night

4:nobody ever tried to kiss me before

yeah so oops i guess. i have no idea how to even kiss someone. maybe if i wouldn't have been drunk and shocked i would've managed but??maybe not?? and like she's my friend of YEARS she's the last person i expected to kiss that night. i made my way out of the crowd and texted dipsy something like 'p u triie to k isme' but also. i sorta immediately wished id kissed her back. but what i wad wondering is what the hell her intention behind this was. bc depending on that my reaction was fitting or....not at all fitting

1:its the 'girl bsfs who make out on parties' thing. I'm not a girl but i feel like most my friends see me as one so

in that case i am absolutely not cool with this and i do not want this to happen.obv. idk how close to us the guy she previously made out with was. but maybe this played into it

2:she genuiely kinda liked me

in that case WTFmm cuz we've known each other so long and she never hinted at liking me ever. in that case i also wish id acted differently bc in that case i prob hurt her

3:she just felt like it in the moment

honestly can't blame her,problem was just i didn't know how to deal with it

now i have no idea the circumstance or how she felt abt me rejecting her or whatever, but i know what my feelings rn are. i wish id kissed her back.its not like i have a crush on her or anything but id like to have kissed her then. and now i told her i never wanted to kiss her, which, great job elias, very smart. and i know a few more things. that I'm probably the first guy ever who rejected her, and that she was the first person who ever tried to kiss me. and that does something i think. maybe it doesn't whatever. long story short what the hell her intention was has been eating me uo for the past days and i've hated myself for reacting like that. and also dipsy replied with like I've been shipping you for ages how could i miss this which, whatever she says.

anyways later that night she went on a 'walk' with the guy and when we had to leave i had no idea where she was and i panicked and called her and asked the whole club abt her bc i had no idea where shw was,shw came back a little late but was alright. she apologized and we were picked up home, when we were both home she apologized again and told me she was really sorry. i have forgiven her and all, but those things still weigh on me a little, so i have been hesitating to talk to her or ask her to hang out whivh we planned to do.

anyways ill just try to get over myself and say hi or sometjing and stop beating myself up abt one (potential) kiss.

[3s-diary]

okay. so a lot happened but i was so busy with school work that I didn't get to talk about it until now. so.

wednesday, i had math class and this one guy I have difficult history with (to say the least, I don't think I want to elaborate on it yet, since that's one of the most shameful part of my history) and his friend sit behind me and lisa. let's call the guy ben and his friend frank. so frank is super nice I like talking to him so much but we barely talk bc we aren't close after all and we don't sit closely in a lot of classes anymore. anyways, that's sort of irrelevant. well, however, we did group work and I had to work in a group with the psychguy and ben as well as some others. and yk we actually spoke to each other. psychguy looked at me and said "you're elias, right?"(gonna pretend he didn't say my deadname). working in a group we started talking to each other and he figured out what my bracelet said. I hate proving my own thesis, but he is interesting and i did enjoy talking to him, although it was just about math, p.e., ballpoint pens and some weird teachers. whatever so yeah also ben right. as I said a lot of stuff happened which left me quite confused and the 2 of us just not speaking at all ever. so when we got along in math and I could talk to him normally,unlike back then, it was.nice. I mean it was nothing, but I think that what I want is to be at peace with him, be able to communicate without feeling. idk how but I'd like to just get along with him. it's healing. so yeah that happened.

thursday(I believe?) tommy said I'm one of his favorite mutuals and this will sound stupid but I like him so much but kind of thought he was super annoyed by me, I'll elaborate later. but yeaaa that genuiely made me so happy love him frrr.

friday, so today, I was supposed to have geography but I didn't and that makes me sad bc my teacher is in a bad physical state and I wish he was healthy enough to see us. whenever geo is cancelled I know it's because of some awful sickness of his and it makes me feel bad. plus i really like him. we never work or do any tasks in his lessons, but he's cultured and smart and can talk for hours (about interesting things!!). also i see shecrush in geo every week and I miss talking to her, although I also don't in a way since it doesn't work out that way, apparantly. but also i miss her. oh also I took english exam, very mixed feelings about that. but i hung out with pou to make a present for dipsys bday and i love hanging out with her so much. yeah and I went to practice again and felt bad about my body plus it sucked in general good night. Me and my bestie will go to this girls party who used to be on our team but hasn't been in a while. we barely talk to her and are like 2.of 5 total guests. we'll go to a trampoline park and then eat. the issue is just that we don't know her friends and we barely know her either, we have mixed feelings on the jumping too tbh. but we will see, I'll go and see.

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also yesterday when we were all sitting around a table in our free period dipsy said something abt someone probably a teacher or something not being her bestie and angel replied saying pou's your bestie right? and she was like nah elias is my bestie. you dunno how happy that made me, i like having a mutual bond of best friendship and having the feeling you actually matter in someones life,because she sure as hell does in mine!! the term best friend was just so difficult a lot of times before, now i feel at peace with considering her my best friend :)

[3s-diary]

my new years was alright I got a little drunk and started talking bs but all my friends said theirs was kinda shitty:( everyone on twt talking about how everything sucked and my irl friend cried and ran away from the party:( I saw a vid of her crying and falling and it actually hurts so much she doesn't feel right rn either