3s-diary

[3s-diary]

the literal day after that pou asked me to go club with her so i told my ma that id sleep over at her house, faked her signatured and we went after trying to buy vodka(they id us) and taking a while before being able to get in.she started being with that one guy which she made out with a lot and i sometimes talked to people or danced a bit, but often times i was alone and it was boring, i was sorta glad when we went home at 3, the cab driver was really nice. a few days later pou called and asked whether we could come over so i did and she told this really traumatizing story of a guy who came over to "go for a drive with her" but just ended up using her for sex and was a real asshole. she started crying and i tried my best to help her out, i went to the store with her to buy ingredients for something she wanted to make and wine, since she wanted to drink to feel better, which i of course advocated against , however she claimed if i didn't go with her shed do it alone. so after i helped her cook a little bit i had to leave, before we ate or drank anything, so i told her to pls not drink too much alone and that i was still really worried, however she really seemed to do a bit better. the next day me her and dipsy met at her house and pregamed with the leftover wine(she did drink one bottle alone after all) to go to a village party. when we were there me and pou got way too wasted too quick so her mom was called and we both threw up in her house for like an hour before i could go home (my ma was really pissed of course, but.well) and thats all i wanna talk about because i already had to discuss this with classmates a lot and yeah it wasnt comfy. 2 days later i went back to school and it was my bday, pou and dipsy came to my house and we ate pizza and all that!!! that was quite cool. also a week or so later me and dipsy went to our coaches house with the rest of our team wherw we played beer pong and werewolf, it was nice, and thats all i remmeber abozt summer.

[3s-diary]

woah, its novemeber and i remember writing the holiday report posts in bio class after the holidays, then forgot to do the rest of it, which is okay however, that was a whilw ago but the quick recap is in week 5 i went to the netherlands which was partly really nice bc i hung with my homie there and partly really awful bc i. felt so dysphoric and lonely that i cried a lot and stared at the. wall or ran away from the restaurant once so no one would notice. overall i was happy to be gone from home tho and had a few happy moments, im really thankful for being able to go. since we both graduate next year, i hope the person i always meet there and me will see each other again at all. just one day after i went back home me and my friends left to go to a youuth hostel which was really just a fever dream. on the train ride there dipsy was anxious and nauseous all the time bc she gets like insanely scared of being late or anything. when we were there however we hung in the hostel, the food was okay(im a picky eater so that was a big worry) and we went to the store to get snacks and stuff to drink.the next day we tried to go to a nearby memorial, which didnt work bc we didnt get how the bus traffic worked at all, which is why we got really frustrated and me and dipsy wanted to gi home whilw pou wanted to keep trying and we just sorta went home pissed and did nothing afterwards and i was really depressed as soon as i had alone time and any thoughts passed my head. every "social break" we took, was sorta dipsys decision and she either went for a walk or watched shameless whilw pou slept and i listened to music and overthought. i didn't like them, but well come to that. im not quite sure anymore, but i think we went for a run afterwards which was really okay and then (after i almost had a breakdown over the community showers, but i lickily managed to shower when no one was there) went to dinner. i think during that as well as after pou started crying, which she did often (or had general emotional outbursts) which me and dipsy sometimws didn't know how to handle, for my part ir was especially because i was very deep inside my own problems and couldn't even care for myself. then we started drinking and after we got in a fight again we went for a huge walk in the middle of the night and i told them all the things ive never told noone before, like my eating issues and the stuff about my relation to men , and essentially all the stuff that happened with my ex bsf as well as every thing that happened with my dad and mom. (yeah, in the middle of the night, wasted, in a city weve never been before). i still dk how to feel abt that but they tried to understand, and pou told us about how she doesnt get along with her dad and about all the boys who were assholes towards. her. it was really,,, weird somehow how we just spilled everything we stfu about before all at once, I don't even know what else to say about that but it was just . a situation.

the next day we went to the city and ate pitza as well as got funny little drinks and walked around. in the evening we (for WHATEVER REASON) decided to walk to the memorial we couldnt get to before so we started going at like 11pm. however when we already walked for a bit dipsy said we should return bc its like totally unsafe and we could break our legs(bc the route was really leading up a hill and through a forest) and i was really mad bc we just decided altogether to go there, however i was so emotionally drained that i had no energy to really even argue. pou got really pissed as well and they argued whilw i felt like just disappearing tbh. we ended up going, on the way there i started crying and when they asked what was wrong i tried to explain how ive been feeling to drained and lonely all along and thought it would get better here but it didnr and i cant do this anymore ans they hugged me but didn't know what to say so we kept walking vut i couldnt stop crying and didnr wanna talk to them. the 2 of them tried talking out some of our conflicts, which wouldve been nice to see but i didnr partake bc all i wanted to do was die and idk tgose 1.5 hours we walked in the dark were a huge fever dream, all i didn was wish i was dead and cry my eyes out .whwn we got there it was cool, i managed to stop crying at some point. we literally walked back on a street without a side walk so wehad to jump into the bushes everytime there was a car, which was so weird and dipsy was so anxious about it and the conversations we had were really weird kinda and idk what the hell was up. we found a few books on the street which pou wanted to take with her but we thought it was creepy (and nowadays everything is a sex trafficking method,so...) so we talked her out of it and we got in a fight abt that and then we got into a fight about ehich time we should get up cus we had to check out at 9 am. like. whatever the next day dipsy was anxious throuufhtout the whole trip again but yeah we got home. that was our trip together and its the weirdest thing thats ever happened to me, i also feel like it wouldve wenr a lot different if all of use wozldve been in a better mental state, we always sorta fuck up hangouts when at least one of us is doing bad, it just really ruins it. but yeah we were home.

[3s-diary]

week 2/3/4??? i dont know. depression. basically feeling all alone and numb. nobody to hang with, nobody to talk to,nothing to do, crippling dysphoria and hopeless outlooks. ik this all sounds draatic but i really felt very awful.also in case ur wondering what i dod all that time? nothing at all. somw reading,solved some crosswords, some youtube. i went to the local city alone oonce(wasnr nice) and to the cafe with my ma and her friends like 1ce . apart from that,nada. I rotted at home and was getting more and more lifeless every day, by the end of this timw period i cried at least once a day and had su1cidal thoughts(AGAIN) so yeah overall not funny and i hate how my last holidays went to waste like that. this is basically exactly what i was afraid of, wasting away all alone as soon as 2(two) people are not available

[3s-diary]

holidays, weeks 1/2. I have talked on here about how my friend tried to kiss me and i was confused?yeah. right after i felt very bad and off, partially fur to hangxiety ig. A few days later i decided to text her tho and pretend nothing happened and we hung out and it was fine. we prepared food and went to a city near us where we chilled in the sun and slept behind a house (which was an odd experience bc there were a bunch of people smoking and walking around at times then there were men meeting up and watching videos apparently at some point guys with a dog pulled up and did sp33d but they were nice so its ok). a few days later we hopped on a random train hoping to find a new cuty we havent been to and we found this small ass town we explored, it was quite nice I got a little bag and 2e walked around and took photos.since there wasnr any clothing stores tho, we went to our local mall after and my friend st0le something without telling me first which was sorta my fault bc she talked abt oh this is nice it doesnt have a tag can i just take it and i was like just dont make it obv if you shoplift and 8 dont think shes done it before but when we got out of the store she was like yeah i took them with me btw and i was like oh. bc listen i used to steal a bit but everytime i allow myself to it becomes an obsession and all i think abt in stores is atealing so the rest of the time in the mall i just thought abt what i could steal it was not nice but whatevvvv. after a few more days she left and. went to bratil w her family (which was really nice apparently) so i was alone for 2 more weeks. see next part

[3s-diary]

hey its eli and im taking a diy break in bio rn. basically what happened rge last few months was that i had summer break which started off with me and my friend habging out a bunch, then my vacation plans were delayed so i hung at home all alone for days and days in which i felt very lonely and depressed ehich i thought would fix itself when i went to the netherlands, but spoiler alert it didn't. I formulated a huge post about this but tumblr didnt wanna post it and i lost like 10000 words (that made me feel even worse but whateverrr). in the netherlands i cried a lot but also i hubg with my friend there a bunch so yk. then i went on vacay with my 2 frienss and it was difficult, since at least 2/3 of us were in a huge down and we had some fights but also some good moments.ehatever then i went home and had a few more days left, i donr remember what i did in those oh i hung with pou and got wasted most the time, once so severely we threw up for an hour but thats a differnt story. anyways shes not foing good. im not eithrr. and then achool started on my bday ehich was alr my ma and me got into a fight and ahe was so cold to me the whole day but me and my friemds went out for pitza and mate and erything.now ive been back to school for 6 days and rn im in bio class proceastinating. last year i was so motivated, now all i wanna do is quit but gotta pull through for another 9 months so ill get good a levels ///

where was i umm yeah i will talk about the holidays in detail, rn im trying to win a bit of motivation for school, english aucks alr haha

[3s-diary]

i am going to fucking kill myself

[3s-diary]

okay do its 2:49 am and im writing this in a locked note on my notes app, but it's not leaving me alone so. I'll finally let myself think about it. so on friday, it was the last day of school and after school there was a party hosted by our grade in order to make money (for a level celebrations). me and pou had been sorta planning to go,since we never went clubbing together before. so yeah long story short we went, got something to pregame, met a few people from our grade and outside, walked around for a bit and then decided to go inside. she had met a guy which she had previously met at parties (and made out with) before. He is, btw her best friends cousin, and the girl does not know about this, but that's not my problem tbh. so yeah he was nice and all and we were clubbing for like 3 hours (things happened but i think they're mostly irrellevant, except i had a sorta conflict with a homophobic girl and pou constantly made out with the guy) and yeah after a while we found each other in the crowd again and danced together and listen this is the thing. she came closer and i didn't even realize it but she tried to kiss me??? like i couldn't even process it fast enough the only thing i knew was that her lips were warm and i could taste her lipgloss but?? I mean i was sorta drunk so maybe that impacted me but i couldn't when i realized what was going on she already stopped again, since like,i wasn't kissing her back at all.christ it was so sudden and the last thing i expected. my mind was hardly processing any of it but i immediately said "can we never do this again pls" and she was like okay sorry and i kissed her on the cheek bc i didn't wanna be cruel. so what you might think is wtf elias you just rejected a girl in the most cruel way but you have to consider that

1:we have known each other for 11 years. we have been friends for so long, things like this feel...unusual

2:i was so baffled everything that happened was instinct

3:she had been making out with someone else all night

4:nobody ever tried to kiss me before

yeah so oops i guess. i have no idea how to even kiss someone. maybe if i wouldn't have been drunk and shocked i would've managed but??maybe not?? and like she's my friend of YEARS she's the last person i expected to kiss that night. i made my way out of the crowd and texted dipsy something like 'p u triie to k isme' but also. i sorta immediately wished id kissed her back. but what i wad wondering is what the hell her intention behind this was. bc depending on that my reaction was fitting or....not at all fitting

1:its the 'girl bsfs who make out on parties' thing. I'm not a girl but i feel like most my friends see me as one so

in that case i am absolutely not cool with this and i do not want this to happen.obv. idk how close to us the guy she previously made out with was. but maybe this played into it

2:she genuiely kinda liked me

in that case WTFmm cuz we've known each other so long and she never hinted at liking me ever. in that case i also wish id acted differently bc in that case i prob hurt her

3:she just felt like it in the moment

honestly can't blame her,problem was just i didn't know how to deal with it

now i have no idea the circumstance or how she felt abt me rejecting her or whatever, but i know what my feelings rn are. i wish id kissed her back.its not like i have a crush on her or anything but id like to have kissed her then. and now i told her i never wanted to kiss her, which, great job elias, very smart. and i know a few more things. that I'm probably the first guy ever who rejected her, and that she was the first person who ever tried to kiss me. and that does something i think. maybe it doesn't whatever. long story short what the hell her intention was has been eating me uo for the past days and i've hated myself for reacting like that. and also dipsy replied with like I've been shipping you for ages how could i miss this which, whatever she says.

anyways later that night she went on a 'walk' with the guy and when we had to leave i had no idea where she was and i panicked and called her and asked the whole club abt her bc i had no idea where shw was,shw came back a little late but was alright. she apologized and we were picked up home, when we were both home she apologized again and told me she was really sorry. i have forgiven her and all, but those things still weigh on me a little, so i have been hesitating to talk to her or ask her to hang out whivh we planned to do.

anyways ill just try to get over myself and say hi or sometjing and stop beating myself up abt one (potential) kiss.

[3s-diary]

everytime i talk on here i feel somwhat good snd talk abt my life as if it was great and go " i don't wanna talk abt so and so problem" yeah right

[3s-diary]

woah okay forgot about this account.again. so basically handball stressed me so bad I switched teams, my bsf talked to me about issues between us and I got 2 a's one of them in english class of all things. now I have 5 days of doing nothing since school is cancelled and then math exam, the last one this year. trust me i dont feel ready for the last year of school, not at all. but right now i'm planning my switch to the other team and my summer and life is ok

[3s-diary]

ermmm so I totally will talk about this one guy the way intended to at some point but...not now. Basically after friday the easter holidays started, that was quite relaxing for me since in the first week I hubg out with friends, in the second week my bsf and other people in my contacts caught covid and I had nothing to do either so I just did nothing for the week, which was fine too. On monday school started again, my math exam turned out better than expected and I talked to the panda pen guy more since we sat together in german :). Yeah tuesday we had practice and I really don't know whether I feel comfortable in my team anymore but that's for another day LOL!!!!!!!!( this topic leaves me so drained and confused for no reason I am avoiding it at all costs).So yeah wednesday idk about a lot of stuff except that my chemistry teacher told me I had very good humor and I seemed mature and smart to him instead of telling me my grade and we started playing handball in p.e.!!!!oh my god it was really okay. I think it was okay yeah. so today I got my grade on my academic paper(B!!!) and me and lisa were sooooo bored in art class bc we had nothing to do yeah that's it. Tomorrow I'll go to practice and on saturday i'll be going to the carnival with people from my school which I hope will be okay. Also I'm watching pous match with dipsy and on sunday the 3 of us are planning to hang out too so yea%

[3s-diary]

so friday storytime!!! It was spirit week and on friday there's always chaos day, meaning the whol school is turned upside down basically and then locked by the graduating kids the night before, and in the first period on friday, teachers have to play games in order to get the key back. So I arrived at school and was very happy about not having english class in 1st. the teachers were supposed to play guess the song and I think they did but I couldn't hear anything, also my shoulders hurt. In religion we got our grades and I tbh think we got super unfair grades but it's whatever, in history we carried tables back to the classroom(which was heavier than you might think and my arms hurt). Then we were supposed to go back outside and actually listened to teachers and students rapbattle whivh was not as cringe as it might sound, also I danced with people I thought would rather die than ever dance. geo was cancelled again(unfortunately) and psychology wasn't fun at all bc I had to stay the longest, getting my grade. And honestly that was the 2nd time I felt like it wasn't fair but I don't even wanna talk about getting disappointed by my grades, it doesn't make it better and I'll just hope to do better idk. I feel weird about grades and expectations towards myself, but that's not what I wanna talk about rn. Something else that I will talk abt later happened too and made me feel very weird but I'll talk about that later. So I also went to practice although I didn't want to but we just played games and then sat together drinking pop and talked. It was actually nice. I really am challenged thinking about where I walk to play next season, I don't know and I don't want to talk about it. Well, now I have 2 weeks of easte break with little to no plans, I am already feeling a bit lonely, but at least recharging from all the school stress. yesterday was fun, but a lot of weird feelings inside of me too.

[3s-diary]

well ehat else happened, I got another b+ in english and asked my teacher to slow down the pace of the teaching a bit (trust me, it's necessary). Also that girls bday was really okay, it was quite fun eventually. psychguy talked to me a bit in maths and p.e., which I was unfortunately right in my assumption that I really like talking to him. But yeah that's fine.it was dipsys bday and after pou and me had spent a lot of time on her present we met her and baked muffins and all,that was nice too. and I'm done with all my tests and exams and have time for my art project until after the holidays, which start tomorrow. the kids in the grade above us have theme week and tomorrow will be chaos day, which I love tbh. I am very drained from all the school work and all so I'm really just looking forward to holidays

[3s-diary]

I want to talk about pamdapenguy and everyone around him first or elss this will be pointless. So, he first of all has a sister, which i will call. L. that has to be enough. so I didn't know either of them existed until... 8th grade I think? when I was in the buisiness course.I knew noone and sat next to L bc she seemed friendly, we never spoke a word however because I was way too awkward and at some point she sat with a guy she was friends with. 2 things that might be of importance is that 1) I fucking hated buisiness, it was awfully boring, I didn't know anyone and I was suppppper anxious and socially awkward. and

2) I might or might not have developed a tiny crush on her. that's irrelevant for now however. The first time I saw pandapenguy was when the teacher wasn't there and he came into the class sitting with L. I remember him saying smd and fuck you a lot, I have no idea what type of relationship they had or what the conflict was but it was quite amusing so yeah. In 10th, I feel like his whole friend group came out as lgbt and he started dating this girl I heavily disliked in elementary, probably at that time in a sapphic way. This girl in question, we'll call her A for now, she'll probably never appear ever again so. She started getting closer with my at that time bsf, which I wouldn't have had a problem with, if she hadn't disliked me and we could never hang with the 3 of us or whatever. One day, I was in a bathroom stall and shw was the only other person there, she kicked the stall and yelled stuff like answer me idk, so yeah she didn't particularly like me. We haven't had any contact for 6 years at that point however and so there weren't any hard feelings. So yeah the guy and her have been dating since 10th, so they've been together for a while, but I think they broke up. yk they sit together in a lot of subjects and usually hung out before and after class but now they literally don't speak a word to each other. I have no idea tho and honestly could care less, not my relationship or anything. just as an insight

[3s-diary]

I put off writing about this bc I couldn't decide on what I should name the guy, since i associate him with pretty much nothing,I know about none of his interests whatsoever, so I'll call him panda pen guy (he owns a panda pen). So. I have recently found out he is trans as well, through finding a social media account with his name and pronouns as well as shecrush telling me when he came out to her(she was allowed to,dw). So I sort of already knew, but we don't talk a lot anyway, we have a lot of subjects together tho and we partially walk the same way home. On monday, he, as we were walking across the street said heyy so uh you might hate me for asking this but uh so are you gay? and I was like uh I'm trans and he was like omg same. we failed to manage a handshake and we talked about when we found out etc. When he asked me for a name I said I was unsure but liked elias. He is the first one I told that(after my ma and dipsy, but that doesn't really count.) and I told him he's honestly the only other trans person I know. On wednesday, we worked together in german and he is actually quite nice.He asked me whether he sould use he/him privately or around everyone and he doesn't use my deadname for me anymore. today we talked a little again and yk, I like talking to him, although we are awkward and mostly talk about school. yeah.

[3s-diary]

so uh this is such a tiny fraction off all the awkward things that happened between the two of us but I want to at least explain this one. so all the... things happened in 9th grade, in 10th we were barely talking in school. however, I once borrowed his pen in latin class and, because I had this stealing thing in my head I. yeah I kept it. so I know this is bad and my moral is that I only steal from stores and awful people and he is not awful in his entirety. but I just kind of had to, so i kept his pen for a while until I felt real bad about it. and by a while I mean 10 months. so then I decided to just give it back to him, which i was pretty scared about, yk, after stealing it and keeping it for 10 months. but I took it to school and when he didn't appear I gave it to frank telling him to give it back to ben. in bio, the next day I believe,I heard frank say hey this is the pen elias gave me I'm supposed to give it back to u. and I think ben said something like what the hell he kept it for a fucking year and now he's giving it back? I couldn't quite hear it, I might be wrong but it would make sense. he still uses this pen every day and it might be a little awkward for me to see but I'm glad I at least gave it back. Part of me wanted him to know I'm not just the type to take ppls pens home but that it was the stealing urge but I'm not close enough to him to not make it weird and he didn't ask. If he asked I would've explained it, but also that's such a tiny part of all the things that haven't been explained or discussed.

[3s-diary]

okay. so a lot happened but i was so busy with school work that I didn't get to talk about it until now. so.

wednesday, i had math class and this one guy I have difficult history with (to say the least, I don't think I want to elaborate on it yet, since that's one of the most shameful part of my history) and his friend sit behind me and lisa. let's call the guy ben and his friend frank. so frank is super nice I like talking to him so much but we barely talk bc we aren't close after all and we don't sit closely in a lot of classes anymore. anyways, that's sort of irrelevant. well, however, we did group work and I had to work in a group with the psychguy and ben as well as some others. and yk we actually spoke to each other. psychguy looked at me and said "you're elias, right?"(gonna pretend he didn't say my deadname). working in a group we started talking to each other and he figured out what my bracelet said. I hate proving my own thesis, but he is interesting and i did enjoy talking to him, although it was just about math, p.e., ballpoint pens and some weird teachers. whatever so yeah also ben right. as I said a lot of stuff happened which left me quite confused and the 2 of us just not speaking at all ever. so when we got along in math and I could talk to him normally,unlike back then, it was.nice. I mean it was nothing, but I think that what I want is to be at peace with him, be able to communicate without feeling. idk how but I'd like to just get along with him. it's healing. so yeah that happened.

thursday(I believe?) tommy said I'm one of his favorite mutuals and this will sound stupid but I like him so much but kind of thought he was super annoyed by me, I'll elaborate later. but yeaaa that genuiely made me so happy love him frrr.

friday, so today, I was supposed to have geography but I didn't and that makes me sad bc my teacher is in a bad physical state and I wish he was healthy enough to see us. whenever geo is cancelled I know it's because of some awful sickness of his and it makes me feel bad. plus i really like him. we never work or do any tasks in his lessons, but he's cultured and smart and can talk for hours (about interesting things!!). also i see shecrush in geo every week and I miss talking to her, although I also don't in a way since it doesn't work out that way, apparantly. but also i miss her. oh also I took english exam, very mixed feelings about that. but i hung out with pou to make a present for dipsys bday and i love hanging out with her so much. yeah and I went to practice again and felt bad about my body plus it sucked in general good night. Me and my bestie will go to this girls party who used to be on our team but hasn't been in a while. we barely talk to her and are like 2.of 5 total guests. we'll go to a trampoline park and then eat. the issue is just that we don't know her friends and we barely know her either, we have mixed feelings on the jumping too tbh. but we will see, I'll go and see.

[3s-diary]

also yesterday when we were all sitting around a table in our free period dipsy said something abt someone probably a teacher or something not being her bestie and angel replied saying pou's your bestie right? and she was like nah elias is my bestie. you dunno how happy that made me, i like having a mutual bond of best friendship and having the feeling you actually matter in someones life,because she sure as hell does in mine!! the term best friend was just so difficult a lot of times before, now i feel at peace with considering her my best friend :)