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realtalk-princeton · 5 years

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Before princeton i had BED- it started when I was 11-12ish and became uncontrollable in my last couple of years of school. Fortunately I’m pretty active and cycled pretty much daily so binging on 3000 calories at a time 2-3 times a week only made me borderline overweight at its worse. When I got to Princeton I found it harder to access my favorite binge food so my BED almost completely went, and I haven’t binged since November now. Having said that, since August 2017 I’ve lost 26lbs, partially

[cont.]Through trying to lose a bit last year but mostly from eating less this year. Since the weather started getting warmer though I’ve really lost all willingness to eat and can only force myself to go to max 2 small meals a day. My friends haven’t noticed but none of my clothes fit anymore. I’m worried both about going back home for summer because my family might notice (they last saw me in January) and also that my metabolism has slowed and now I’m too scared to eat more than 1000 calories a day[cont.] because its going to make me fatter and even after losing so much I’m still nowhere near having a flat stomach. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to be fine with maintaining once I lose about another 5-10lbs but I know the amount I’m eating currently is unhealthy, so any advice for getting to my goal more healthily? I’m also scared im gonna start binging again in the summer

Response from Clipper:

Hey anon- I am so sorry you’re going through this. TL;DR: hang in there; you have the strength to overcome this and create healthier, lifelong patterns for yourself.

I currently suffer from mildly disordered eating which arose from going on my medications at college (not eating during the day, then bingeing late at night when my evening medications kick in). I used to also very strictly control my eating in high school before I was diagnosed with my various mental and bodily afflictions (gotta catch ‘em all, it seems) because it gave me warped a sense of control over my life.

I’m gonna give you some overall good feelings-type advice. Then, I’ve enlisted one of my best friends to give a longer answer, as they went through something more directly aligned with what you’ve described here. Here goes:

I know it sounds impossible to think of, but you can get a stranglehold on this sucker and pull yourself through to the other side. It unfortunately takes more work than continuing as you are now- and will involve you eating sometimes when you (or your body) don’t want to in order to get your metabolism up to shape again. But it’s important, and as I said up top: you have the strength to do it. Having a flat stomach is not a measure of health nor is it a good goal to have. A healthy resting stomach is typically not flat.

When I was in high school, to help myself eat enough throughout the day, I started a food diary. I would just list off the things I ate so that I could visually make sure I ate enough. Don’t use an app for this, as these tend to count calories- which is not what this exercise is for. It’s to help make sure you eat enough and to help you become accountable for your food cycles and habits.

Passing onto my friend now for more practical advice:

Congratulations on not bingeing since November!! That is a huge accomplishment. But you are overcompensating in the other direction by restricting and you will inevitably slip back into a binge-purge cycle if you continue to restrict your intake. TRUST ME. 1000 calories a day is nowhere near enough for anyone. Stop worrying about what might happen in the future and focus on being present and creating daily habits and practicing today. Take it one day at a time. Losing weight is addictive and it is difficult not to be seduced when you see yourself shrinking. This is the hardest part imo but you have to try to stop equating your self-worth with your weight and start appreciating your amazing body for all the miraculous things it does to keep you alive and healthy.

I suffered from anorexia and overexercising in high school. I lost weight rapidly but it was not about appearance; I didn’t have a choice but to do what I thought was “healthy”. I went into starvation mode from restricting calories and exercising too much; I never felt hungry and developed horrible stomach pains, dangerous electrolyte imbalances and kidney problems. I developed exercise bulimia once I started bingeing and exercising extra hard to “work off” the thousands of calories I’d consumed while bingeing. I had been eating so little that bingeing was my body’s last resort to try to keep me alive. When I came to Princeton is when it got really bad. When I would binge, my body kicked into its most primal mode of survival and I would completely dissociate and go into a fugue state and just eat everything in sight. I would steal food from my roommates and stores and even eat out of the trash. I was bingeing so frequently that I gained about 50 lbs in a few months. I finally sought help my freshman year here and found my wonderful therapist who I still see weekly. I went through IOP and day programs and spent two weeks in a residential facility but it wasn’t until taking a year off and really examining my life that I began to really overcome it. I still put too much emphasis on being skinny and my eating habits are still irregular, but I let myself eat whatever I want and have not counted calories in years. I also stopped exercising altogether and am trying to gradually reintroduce gentler forms like yoga and walking into my routine. I am at peace with where I am right now. The thought of gaining weight still scares me somewhat but it does not rule me like it used to and I know that if I gain a few pounds no one will notice but me and everyone will still love and care for me. Today I ate a whole pizza and sat in bed all day, which to most may not seem “healthy”, but compared to where I was a few short years ago, this is enormous growth for me. It is a constant process that takes daily practice and in June I will be graduating with two degrees: one AB and one ED.

Stop weighing yourself. Give or throw away your scale right now. Stop trying to lose weight and focus on being well. Make an appointment with a nutritionist (your dsl has referrals) and ask them to monitor your habits and do blind weigh-ins. Also make an appointment with a therapist and/or psychiatrist if you don’t have one. Prozac has been known to help with BED at certain doses so they might recommend you that. Make sure you’re eating three balanced meals a day; they can be small in size but make sure you have a good balance of protein, carbs, fats, and fruits/veggies. Never go more than 4 hours without eating something because that will cause your blood sugar to dip and will make you more likely to binge later. Make a daily schedule with evenly spaced meal times that are realistic work for you and make sure to add snacks so you’re not going too long without eating. If you have a roommate, tell them you’re watching what you eat (you don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want) and ask them to help you and keep food in your space limited or ask them to keep it in their room. Pay close attention to your hunger cues; notice what times of day you tend to be hungriest.

STOP. COUNTING. CALORIES. Caloric labels are inaccurate and you do not know exactly how much energy you’re expending each day and it’s all so arbitrary it doesn’t mean anything anyway. The internet is not always your friend. Stop looking up calorie counts of foods and block websites that could trigger you to obsess. Start trying to listen to what your body needs instead of intellectualizing what you think you should need. Continue moderate exercise and be aware that if you exercise more you may be hungrier and will definitely need to eat more. But intense exercise can also suppress appetite.Keep it to 30-40 mins of cardio 3-5 days a week, ALTERNATE with strength training days, with COMPLETE REST DAYS in between. If you feel restless on the days you don’t exercise, take a calm walk or try meditating or gentle stretching. And make sure you DO NOT BY ANY MEANS restrict your intake on the days you’re not exercising; rest days are when your muscles rebuild and they need food for that!Drink at least 64oz of water a day and more if you exercise and/or drink caffeine.

ALSO no one has a completely flat stomach and it fluctuates with your digestion and cycles anyway. If you feel bloated, try herbal teas like ginger and mint (really anything with ginger in it) but avoid “detox” or “flat belly” teas and supplements that contain laxatives because that is a slippery slope. Also avoid very salty snack foods that can make you retain water, avoid chewing too much gum which can make you swallow air and get belly bloat, and avoid anything with sugar substitutes like aspartame because those can also wreak havoc on your digestion. Eat full-calorie and full-fat versions of things, avoid “lite”, low-fat and sugar free snacks. Don’t drink too much caffeine either because it can have an appetite suppressant effect and make it harder for you to eat normally. ..You are young and your metabolism will recover as you begin to eat normally again and your weight will settle at a place that is right for you. Your pulse is probably slow and might you feel cold because you are not eating enough. You will NOT become overweight by eating regularly. Please trust the process; I know it feels impossible and it’s super triggering to have to eat when you don’t want to or you aren’t hungry but you have to start refeeding now or you may begin doing permanent damage to your body. It’s too much to do alone so seek the help of experts and listen to them. Stop fooling yourself. Take time off if you need and be honest with everyone but most importantly with yourself.

If it helps, make a list of things you like about yourself and your body and especially your heart and mind. Stop fixating on imperfections. If you have a lot of mirrors around, get rid of them. If your clothes don’t fit, get new clothes. You deserve to feel good and restricting/losing weight/bingeing/purging (exercise is a form of purging!!!) might be a temporary high but will not make you feel good in the long run. Stop making excuses. If you haven’t eaten three meals yet today, go get dinner as soon as you can. The best time to start is right now. Best of luck, you brave ED warrior.

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