#and the chances of me dating someone who is also not cishetero are high which means im also gonna struggle with my family there

[natsukaishii]

i feel like i’m living a double life and i’m so tired. tw for venting but ugh i’m so… i keep thinking about it. i’ll put a cut to hide the vent but it’s just me.. rambling abt genders and stuff.

but i look around my room and i see my deadname, i see christian related items from my gran and mother and items i only cling onto to please them. i can’t use kai irl.. i can’t use my pronouns irl.. i can’t openly practise judaism irl (anymore since my dad left)

i feel so… fake. i have to refer to myself a daughter, a sister, she/her, everything. like my life is a lie. but i’m not comfortable at all and the chances i’ll ever be me irl are so slim…

i keep thinking about how if i get a partner i’m going to struggle because i’m supposed to be straight and cis… this is tearing me apart and i’d probably solve this if it was safe for me to come out but every time someone says my deadname i think i just… realise my situation a little more.