#slams head against wall

[jordeclans]

hey. why would you say that

[erikahenningsen]

uhh so apparently my brother has a massive lung infection and is being transferred to another hospital for thoracic surgery

[squea]

ok so turns out maybe i cant release these eyes ive been working on for days bc of the TOU of crybvbies as I used their sclera oops

[natsukaishii]

i feel like i’m living a double life and i’m so tired. tw for venting but ugh i’m so… i keep thinking about it. i’ll put a cut to hide the vent but it’s just me.. rambling abt genders and stuff.

but i look around my room and i see my deadname, i see christian related items from my gran and mother and items i only cling onto to please them. i can’t use kai irl.. i can’t use my pronouns irl.. i can’t openly practise judaism irl (anymore since my dad left)

i feel so… fake. i have to refer to myself a daughter, a sister, she/her, everything. like my life is a lie. but i’m not comfortable at all and the chances i’ll ever be me irl are so slim…

i keep thinking about how if i get a partner i’m going to struggle because i’m supposed to be straight and cis… this is tearing me apart and i’d probably solve this if it was safe for me to come out but every time someone says my deadname i think i just… realise my situation a little more.

[ki-flor]

If I could be who you wanted all the time

[nighthawk-max]

I don’t know if it’ll stay just you and Nico fucking, a few of your followers seem to be getting along pretty well. But try and convince me to join, go ahead. -Juni

Damn.

Alright come join! We have amazing followers, a very hot prophet and me! A god among them! We have uhhh cannibalism? Idk? MAYBE FUCKING MAYBE SOMETIMES sex

Also I’m planning on seeing if I can either find an old church to break into and use OR build one? Idk bro

[fiomeras]

Ough depersonalization ahhhhhhh derealization obhhhhhhh acknowledging that my life will always be harder than others bc some will never see me human because of the things and person I am and my only last ditch attempt is to perform, arghgg!!!!!!!!

[2bloved]

splatoon 3 got me laying here on my bed like (image below) because i CANT find my pro controller to snap my joycons into and my mental illness urges resist letting me game because It feels so weird not gripping the side thingys of the controller to balance it and unfunfhfhfdnshfnds

[09lover]

im gprobably gonna regrettably make a vent tag and ask people to filter it

[transcarcinization]

-_- im trying not to be sad on tumblr but give me a minute. i need to say it somewhere so i can move on and make an actual plan

i know re: my mental health i should really be most concerned about the smoking and the sleeping and the not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone

but honestly! i am most concerned about my brain! i can’t think anymore! i can’t focus on anything or learn anything! any new information feels like i am pushing bread through a sieve to fit anything else in my head!

i want to learn again. i want to feel like i deserve my degree. i’ve never been good at homework or remembering course notes or anything. the only thing going for me is that i like it enough to do it anyways. i can’t not like it. we are literally only one month in

[wanderestlest]

whyyyy do i still feel slightly better when i'm under significant stress. I have done so much to create a peaceful environment for myself and fucking years of work to retrain myself away from a self-sabotaging overwork habit. mornings where i have nothing to do i wake up sluggish, sad and unable to focus, but today i have to

1. begin clearing a bedbug infestation

2. get a fucking pap test

3. see a client

so i wake up clearheaded and in a good mood. how many more years like this!!!

[jordeclans]

feeling very normal about this

[uwererightiwaswronguwereright]

i can feel the percy jackson hyperfixation coming on and im not sure how to feel about it. on one hand im so excited because ive been waiting for this show since 3rd grade. on the other hand ahhhhhhh. why me? why is my brain like this? cant i just enjoy something casually?

[mossy-moth]

*purges my blog from my old interest* this is fine (i am shaking and crying and throwing up)

[hiddlydiddly]

.

[prrttycrier]

jay: 0

tumblr: 1