#and the majority of ppl wont ever care or have enough patience to understand the inner workings of why i am who i am. men specifically
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i truly do feel that no one will ever know the real me
#i mean this in a way thats like. yea im usually very much content with this and i actively keep people away cuz of the fear of being known#at the same time i cant help but think how neither my ex or any of the men i ever spoke to or who i'll speak to in the future will get me#and i dont mean this in a im not like the other girls way. i mean this in a theres smth profoundly and deeply and truly wrong with me#and the majority of ppl wont ever care or have enough patience to understand the inner workings of why i am who i am. men specifically#i just have this same thought every single time i talk to a man and he shows somewhat of an interest in me like its either pure carnal want#or hes just interested in making convo and *getting to know me* but in fact they never ever stick around or actively try to know me#my ex included and him especially tbh#.txt#this train of thought has been spurred on by me making an active effort in the last days to talk to more men as if that ever helped me#technically it SHOULD help me cuz i meet new ppl. it doesnt. it never did. i just feel like they all act the same and im stuck in a loop#maybe 1 or 2 friends of mine acc know me other than that none of my family not even my own mom ever knows or cares abt what i really feel#or think or act like etc. let alone potential dates its such a mundane existence#the process of being known is long and heinous and the people required to kickstart it never show enough implication#and most of the times its ok. other times once in a blue moon at nearly 12 am it just feels deeply wrong
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