#and then 3 months before my birthday i started the period that hasn't stopped

[greencreeker]

.

[blankingbloom]

6/3/2023

It's the start of my summer before senior year, and I feel that it never gets better, although (undeniably) it does get better. It's inevitable to go through ups and downs in life, knowing that many great things are to come. Life is just difficult at the moment, as for what you know it to be, but so small compared to a few years from now. My brain hasn't even developed LOL. I don't have a say, but I sure do feel like I am struggling now, but who am I to really understand the depths of my hardship?

You know life is getting BAD when I'm blasting Sofia by Clairo. It's such a great song (reminds me of the time when I went to Clairo's Immunity Tour in 2019 and Beabadoobee was her opener and she wasn't as famous as she was today. I've always loved her music ever since then and has been one of the most unforgettable nights in my life that I wish I could go back to, but not the person who I was in that time period of my life. I was insecure and really picked on myself for certain things, I wasn't as healthy as I am now. (My anxiety did get worst though but I manage).

Writing and being vulnerable online while staying anonymous is great. I have a lot to put off of my shoulders, and I hope that anybody feeling the same way acknowledges they aren't alone.

My peers tell me to stop overthinking and to chillax, but I just can't put into words just how exhausted and unstable I feel. I feel completely worthless, but I really am not, I still feel like there are lots of things to figure out about myself, so much to explore. This thought then leads to the idea of my death. I don't want to die, I'm too young. At the same time, I do want to die, to put an end to my own suffering. I don't know if I want to explore the world and myself just yet, It all goes too fast. I was just 14 in COVID-19, finding my own voice and identity. Time skips over, and suddenly I'm expecting my 18th birthday in a few months, then college acceptance results, then graduation. Where will I go? Who will I be? Am I happy being where I ended up? Do I move? Do you feel like an adult when you turn 18? Did you break up with your boyfriend? Do you still have lots of anxiety? Are you experiencing imposter syndrome like you do now? Was I really just overthinking? Did you change? What did you change about yourself? Am I perfect enough? Is using astrology as a coping mechanism for your insecurities and loss of identity accurately tell you who you are? I desperately want to know all the answers to these questions, but I need to be patient and let time take its course. I am an overthinker, as I just made a whole paragraph talking to myself in my own head while listening to music. I can't help it, I'm going insane slowly and not in a cute type of way. I'm genuinely scared of what power I hold, but I should realize that within myself, I do have the power to alter the course my life should take, but what am I so afraid of?

[uniasus]

Misconception Car Brainstorm

Thank you 2hr car trips where I just daydream fanfic, I suppose. Not sure if I'll actually write this story as it's now complete in my head, but figure people might enjoy the summary? Shout out to Misconceptions by Kukiwi, which jumpstarted my brain on this idea

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Atem works first one long night a week, then it becomes more consistent working for Kaiba. Atem gets less communicative and misses planned events, and eventually stops answering his texts. Yugi takes steps to cure loneliness - late nights at the store, hanging with friends. 

Over the 3-4 months as communication between them dissolves as Atem's work at KC gets busier, Atem and Yugi really only connect during their morning routines and Atem gives the conversations they have less and less attention as time goes on. Yugi becomes increasingly worried Atem is having an affair with Kaiba. During this time, Yugi gets an offer from Pegasus - to inherit Industrial Illusions - but before he makes his choice Pegasus offers him a six-month trial period to see if he actually wants the position. Yugi tries to bring this up with Atem, but Atem pays half attention. At one point there is a conversion where Atem asks about a new coffee maker in the kitchen. Unknown to Atem, it had supposed to be an anniversary gift but when that flew by Yugi just put it out for him to use. Yugi says he bought it for Atem with money saved from a lower grocery bill cuz he's cut down on food waste. But in reality, Yugi was able to save for it because Atem hasn't had dinner with Yugi in months and Yugi has stopped buying food for two people. Atem makes that connection later while at work, but while noting it doesn't implement any change in his routine. 

Yugi's birthday happens, and the few nights before it Atem never comes home and he also doesn't show up for the party at the restaurant. One his way home, Joey runs into Atem and Kaiba leaving the office, overhearing Kaiba asking if Atem is again spending the night. Joey explodes at Atem, asking him first why Atem didn't come (encouraging Kaiba to leave with something about Mokuba at the party) and then directly asking if Atem is having an affair. "Yuge will never ask, so I am." 

Atem is shocked, but Joey continues to bring up points about how Atem's habits could be considered as such. Part of this convo includes Joey chastising Atem for never responding to calls or text and Atem being confused because he's not gotten any for weeks. Pulls out his phone as proof and Joey is originally confused to not see himself in Atem's call record but then points out that's a KC phone, and not his personal one. To his horror, Atem realizes he turned off his personal cell phone during a meeting and never turned it back on, solely using his work phone (and thus talking to Kaiba) the past few weeks. Joey fumes, did Atem not think it strange to never get a text from Yugi? Or that he never started a chat with Yugi on his work phone, sharing the number? Joey ends by saying he's really hoping Yugi takes Pegasus's offer cuz Yugi obviously needs a break from Domino. "You might not be bending Kaiba over a table, Atem, but you're giving all your attention to that bastard. Yugi hasn't been a priority in your life in months." Joey says not to expect Yugi at home that night. They've been feeding him drinks since he's been sad. Joey insinuates Yugi may in fact go home with someone else (Tea? Rebecca?)

Atem is confused and guilty as he goes home, particularly shocked over the phone. He sits at the kitchen table, reading messages, and notes how Yugi's has changed from hey when are you coming home and playful conversation starters to status updates that have all gone unanswered. There are three texts about the birthday party. While Atem is looking through the phone, he gets two text. One from Tristin (Yugi's at his place). Then another, with drunk spelling from Yugi. He's Pegasus's offer. 

Yugi comes home the next morning, scrambling and hung over as taking Pegasus's offer means hopping on a plane to California the next day. Atem, guilty for a myriad of reasons and essentially panicking when he realizes Yugi is going to be gone for awhile, showers Yugi with attention all day in a love bomb. Atem spends the day trying to reassure Yugi their relationship is still on track and Yugi is #1 in his heart, but Yugi can't 100% believe it.

With Yugi gone, Atem's late hours continue, but it works with the time difference to Cali. Communication restarts between them, but it's touchy because they're now working for rival companies (there's privacy concerns) and they hadn't had a proper convo in months. However, Yugi alludes to a corporate strategy he presented to Pegasus that makes Atem realizes Yugi is good at business. His strategy skills carry over from duel monsters to conference rooms, and Atem is ashamed Pegasus noticed before him. He tells Yugi he should take Pegasus's offer once the job trial is done. Yugi, knowing the implications, panic calls Joey thinking Atem broke up with him. 

Joey checks in with Atem for Yugi's sake, again bluntly asking if Atem broke up with Yugi. Atem sputters no, they're on good terms now because they talk regularly and Joey notes the couple might be on better on better footing but Atem is still just fitting Yugi into his schedule vs making time for him. Atem mentions he's seeing Yugi in nyc the next week. Joey is relieved to hear that, then rambles about Yugi's fearful thoughts as to why he thought Atem had called it off - implications about Yugi taking the job Atem hadn't even thought of such as Yugi moving permanently to California and Atem making no move to cut himself off from Kaiba and Kaiba Corp and the tensions that have arisen from that. Atem decides to not tell Joey that his visit to NYC isn't a couples' vacation. It's a work trip; Yugi and Atem are representing their companies at the US Championships. Atem had made sure to clear his schedule a few hours one night for a single date.

The tourney is a chance for Atem to see Yugi in action as Pegasus's protege. He overhears a convo with Duke about the rights to dungeon dice monsters, which reminds him of Yugi's early talk of a distribution deal. Yugi's business plan is deals and partnerships, kaiba on beating the competition. Mokuba joins Yugi and Duke at some point, and they reminisce about something Atem has no knowledge of. Atem realizes Yugi is building a circle without Atem. It's painful, but also a healthier thing perhaps. Atem wants to go over to say hello, but Kaiba drags him away. Atem and Yugi lock eyes but that's it, and Yugi is upset by it. He hadn't realized Atem would be there for day one. Their date is day three.

Later, Mokuba joins Atem and Kaiba at an event and Kaiba presses his brother for information on why he was hanging with Yugi. Mokuba lets spill that Yugi is working for Pegasus, something Kaiba hadn't known. He's huffy that he hadn't, why hadn't Atem shared that knowledge?

Toward the end of the day, Kaiba corners Yugi for a match. Yugi wants to disagree - neither of them are in the tournament - but Pegasus says why not? A showcase match during the lunch break tomorrow perhaps. It can be a test for the duel stadiums, which were only scheduled to be used for semifinal matches and above. It's a good test for a few concept cards Yugi has developed.

Atem texts Yugi, asking for his hotel room, but Yugi ghosts him. He needs to prep, but he's also upset Atem had planned to be two whole days at the tournament before their date and never let Yugi know or tried to catch five minutes between events during the day. Hell, Yugi had an autograph hour on the event schedule. (the KOG title when to Yugi upon their split. Atem insisted because Yugi did ultimately been Atem at the end)

Breakfast the next morning, Atem gets dragged down with Kaiba, but as he finishes Yugi walks in. It's another miss.

Yugi wins the showcase match, and Kaiba doesn't appreciate Atem cheering for Yugi, and makes a comment about believing they had broken up (echoing the call with joey). This aggravates Atem, of course he's still dating Yugi. He tries to flag Yugi down for dinner, but Pegasus interrupts. Business dinner with the Devlins. Atem will have to wait for his originally planned dinner with Yugi the following night. Yugi continues to be upset/sad because he's continued to only see glimpses of Atem and they haven't had a full conversation yet. Rebecca and Duke are supportive.

The next day, as the dinner date approaches, Kaiba makes a fuss. Work is more important than seeing an old friend. Atem realizes it's not only Yugi and Joey who thinks Atem is/has/considered cheating. Kaiba thought Atem was showing interest in him too - in as much as Kaiba thought romantic interest could be for an aroace guy. Atem balks at it the idea that nearly everyone thought he and Yugi were done/dying and is extremely apologetic as he realizes he's been unintentionally stringing Kaiba along. Atem thinks back to what Joey said in their last call - he needs decisive action showing that Yugi is a priority in Atem's life. Especially after not providing it for at least six months at this point. So he quits. At dinner, he tells Yugi this and asks for a job, doubling down on how the whole reason he'd wanted to stay in this world was for Yugi and he'd been an asshole for not making Yugi realize that. Yugi accepts Atem's apology - helped by a full night of being worshiped ^_~

[lihikainanea]

Hey Lei! My name is Sam, my birthday is 5-22, and I have a three month old daughter named Zoey that is the absolute light of me and my husband’s life.

You did a reading for me a while back so if I can’t have one done again, I’m totally okay with that.

But if I can, I would love some guidance on what to do over the next year in order to set myself up for success. I do feel more secure in my 30s and achieving one of my biggest life goals has me ready to make new ones.

Thank you so much!! 🤩

Sammmmmmm YOU HAVE A BABY NOW?! AHHHHHHH!!! congratulations bubs xoxo

alrighty, let's have a look.

1) Two of Swords

2) Ten of Swords

3) Nine of Cups

Hmmm, okay. It's looking like you're going to be having a few challenges this year, most of them mental blocks.

Whatever it is that you think you can't do, you need to get over that. You can do it. That Two of Swords there--that card is telling you to pull your head out of your ass. The Two of Swords is often depicted blindfolded with her hands bound but with literally no one else around--and it symbolizes you getting in your own way. The only thing stopping you from moving forward, moving on, getting'er done....is you. You're the one who pulled the veil over your own eyes, you're the one insisting you can't do it, you're the one who bound your own hands behind your back without even realizing it. Focus internally. When something seems insurmountable--really ask yourself why, and recognize that for awhile, you've been the only one standing in your own way. The universe has cleared a path for you, and yet you're the one saying that you just can't move forward and the universe is like...but bb, you free.

A lot of this likely has to do with a sense of defeat, a sense of giving up, a sense of total exhaustion. Like, you're ALMOST at the top of that hill, you've been climbing for so goddamn long and everything hurts and you can SEE the top of the hill--but for some reason, you give up hope at the last second and you think right here, 100ft from the top, seems like a real good place to lay down and rest.

It's not. You get your ass up, you hear me? You get your ass up and you keep going. The rough times will come and go this year and you will feel like each one defeated you--but it hasn't, and it won't. Change your attitude, change the way you think about things, and whatever it takes--summon the courage, that small bit of energy you have left, and keep going. The dark times will seem endless, but I promise you--they're quite short. Keep your chin up even when the obstacles hit. The Ten of Swords indicates that you have a tendency to kind of panic and throw in the towel before you should--obstacles are not insurmountable. Don't ever feel that they are. Find a way around it, and find a way out. Be resilient.

The Nine of Cups is a card of wonderful enjoyment, abundance, happiness, fulfilment. It can carry the faint whisper of a warning in some readings but that isn't the case here. The Nine of Cups beckons us to look around and realize that we have what makes us happy, and to bask in that. Ironic that the Nine of Cups can also indicate a literary pregnancy and abundance of fertility--but it's also a card of calm, peace, and quiet enjoyment. It's a period of contentment, of joy and happiness, and it calls for us to live in the moment and feel gratitude.

This year, make sure you focus on keeping a positive, can-do attitude. Do a vibe-check and make sure that YOU are not the one standing in your way. Remember that obstacles are not insurmountable, and that yes there will be a time to rest and catch our breath--but that time is not when we are so close to the top, no matter how hard we think we still have to push. Tough times have a start and they have an end, don't stall yourself smack in the middle. Keep pushing forward, and remember that when you DO hit good times--enjoy them, relish them, and bask in it.