#and then she fuckin yeets the unconscious man

[chompmon]

The scream i scrumpt he just cant catch a break

[niphredil-14]

Arthur, Napoleon, Leonardo, and Comte With an S/o Who Kicks Ass In a Cat Fight

Requested by: @hitsuhina4ever

I am so sorry, I couldn’t think of anything for Theo! My bad!!

Arthur: Now, women fight much differently in the twenty first century than they did in older generations. So, no wonder Arthur was caught off guard when he witnessed the absolute monster that you are when one of his ex-flings starts shit with you.  “He’s mine, you whore! Mine!” The girl shouted, drawing attention to you and your boyfriend who were standing across from a hysterical, jealous woman in a bright dress. Arthur was about to step in, but was left with no time to as you pulled him into a deep kiss with your hand entangled into his hair and his arms around your waist, all while you stared the woman down. After a few seconds, you pulled apart, with a string of saliva still connecting your lips.  “If he were yours, sweetie, I wouldn’t be able to do that, now would I?” You spoke confidently, placing a hand on your tilted hip and smirking in such a way that would put Theo to shame. The woman let out a shriek and rushed forward, raising a hand to slap you. Her hand was easily dodged, however, and it was no more difficult to deliver a swift punch to her jaw, that was much stronger than expected, and sent her sprawling onto the pavement, dizzy, and almost unconscious. Vic barked happily, but his master was left speechless, watching you wring out your wrist and dust off your skirt. It wasn’t until you walked up to him, intertwined your fingers with his, and asked if he was ready to go, that he started freaking out, marveling at your skill, but then telling you that you could’ve gotten hurt. You better believe that he is taking you right home to check you over and make sure that you aren’t hurt, despite the fact that your opponent didn’t lay even a single hit on you.

Napoleon: Napoleon wasn’t even there when the fight began. You had gone out to buy groceries when a lady decided to start talking shit, and if being from the age of the internet has taught you anything, it’s how to yeet a bitch into oblivion. Napoleon had also been out, teaching his fencing classes when he heard shrieking and yelling. He told his students to stay put before he went out to investigate. Needless to say he was surprised to see you side stepping a punch, only to grab to woman you were fighting’s upper arm with one hand, and lower forearm with the other, only to proceed to literally throw her over your shoulder, face first into the ground. It wasn’t until you placed your heel atop her skull and yelled,  “Talk shit again, hoe! I fuckin’ dare you!” That the emperor decided to step in. He gently placed a hand on your upper arm and pulled you off of the woman. “Come on, Nunuche. Let’s go, you can tell me what happened later. He’ll take you back to his fencing class, and afterwards will help you finish grocery shopping before taking you home. He’s wasn’t that surprised that you’re strong, he’s seen that fire in your eyes, he knew you could kick ass.

Leonardo:  Leonardo hates the idea of you getting hurt, so he has always tried to diffuse any situations where you might end up in a fight. Luckily for you, though, your dear boyfriend wasn’t around to get in the way of your fight this time. It wasn’t even your fault! That woman should have known better to talk shit when you were in a pissy mood. All that, “Leonardo deserves so much better than you!” Shit. She really should have seen that punch coming. Even though she didn’t expect your fist colliding with her stomach, she was more than ready to come springing back, claws out, all for a good cat fight. A second punch to the boob, and a kick to he gut, followed by a leg sweep was enough to get her to walk (read: hobble) off. It was only when you turned around, about to walk off, that you saw Leonardo in the crowd, approaching you. He was surprised, he knew you were strong, but he didn’t realize the true extent of your strength. His surprise was overtaken by his worry when he saw the slight bit of blood dripping down your cheek from your opponent’s nails. He quickened his leisurely pace to a near-sprint, only to lightly trace your cut with his fingertip, picking up a bit of the blood onto his index finger. Though his thirst was screaming at him, he still refused to drink your blood, and instead opted for picking you up in his arms, bridal style, quietly whispering, “Cara mia...” and walking you home to the mansion. 

Comte: You had been forced to watch woman after woman flirt with your boyfriend. Sure, the ceiling was a glimmering gold, making it seem as though you were standing right below the sun, and the food and drink were not only refreshing and nourishing, but also delicious, but none of that made any difference when your skin was practically turning green with envy. The current woman was much bolder than the previous ones, and had the audacity to place her hand on your man’s chest. That was when you passed your drink over to Leonardo, who had attended the ball with you and Comte, and now was standing next to you at the food table, making up stories about each woman daring or stupid enough to attempt to sway a taken man into adultery. And in his defense, his company had helped you cope with watching Comte and his flock of female fans for some time, but this one had gone too far, and it was time for you to step in. You eased the scowl from your face, and in its place put that signature fake smile that most people from the twenty-first century can do as easily as breathing, and waltzed forward, towards your lover. When you reached him, you gracefully grabbed hold of his elbow and upper arm while pressing your chest into him, and greeting his ‘fan’ with,  “Oh, hello! I see you’ve met my boyfriend. Isn’t he just so sweet?” The woman scowled, before replacing it with a snake-y smile to match your own, and then excused herself. With your man looking only at you now, you pulled him down for a deep kiss before pulling away and excusing yourself to the bathroom with the excuse of, “Leonardo gave me way  too much wine while we were forced to watch you with those hoes. I’ll be right back.” You went and did your business in peace, but was greeted with an unsightly face upon your exit. A few exchanged words with one another, and a jealous spat had turned into a cat fight. She couldn’t compare to you, and was getting her arse handed to her. She went for one final punch, hoping to land at least one, when your lover appeared in front of you, catching her hand before it could hit you. You were having none of that, though, you didn’t need to be saved. So, you ducked under his arm and delivered a swift upper cut to her jaw, sending he to the floor. That’s when Comte decided that this was the time to leave, and went with you to round up Leonardo, only to find him asleep in a spare room. The two of you knew better than to wake him, and figured he’d get home just fine on his own. When you were in the carriage however, he confronted you. He cradled your face in his large, warm hands, and softly said,  “You know you have nothing to be jealous of, ma cherie, you are the only one in my heart.” To which you leaned your head into his hands, closed your eyes, and sighed. 

[ask-the-crimson-king]

Tales from D&D: Skin to Bone

[Hello. Have not done a Tales from D&D in a hot minute. Thought I’d do one now.

This one is from the Icewind Dale campaign that I am playing, and because of it, there may be SPOILERS FOR ICEWIND DALE below the cut. 

I am also going to be tagging @luwupercal because I think they may enjoy hearing about the fate of Barnaby and the fucking feels train this campaign has become. 

Before I get into it, this is the cast:

LYDIA - Vampire spawn warlock. Chill as fuck. Just wants to be able to either cure herself or stop having to run from her new self.

RHOZAL - Hobgoblin Artificer with a lot of emotional baggage. Blacksmith and feelsy baby. Protect him. Has a crush on Lydia. [The feelings are mutual on both ends, however the characters are being COWARDS-]

BARNABY BUSSELTON - Anarcho-capitalist gnome wizard. No longer a PC. Relevant to the beginning of this tale. Will explain.

CHARLES NOLAND - Halfling druid. Was vibing in the snow for 2 months. New to the gang. 

AND FINALLY, MY DUMB ASS AS-

Hakkerskaldyr Strigr, but known as FREYR - Goliath Paladin who worships the Allfather. Lost an eye. And a character that I’ve lost interest in playing. We’ll get into that.

We begin our tale with a TPK in some caverns.  Note: The party is Level 3.

The enemies were a frost giant skeleton, a hag, and a wil-o-wisp. 

Lydia makes it to the hag first. Rhozal and I, Freyr, try to follow her to provide assistance while Barnaby tries to kite the skeleton away from us. 

We get to the room with the hag. Lydia isn’t doing too good. 

The giant stops following Barnaby and comes for us.

Rhozal is put down in one blow from the giant’s axe. Freyr is able to use the final spell slot and put down a smite on the hag, killing it. Lydia, who had been grappled by it, is now free.

Freyr was at 5 hp. The giant needed to do 35 damage for Freyr to be killed instantaneously.

The DM rolled a 7, an 8, and an 11. The giant had a +6 to the attack.

The giant had done 34 damage. One more and I would have been out. BUT THAT WASN’T THE END! Because on the next turn, the wisp used its ability where a creature put down to 0 needs to make a DC 10 con save or die instantly. 

Made the save.

Lydia flees, and now the giant skeleton is fighting this wisp. Barnaby is hanging back, letting them fight it out. Lydia does her Form of Dread and finds Barnaby, takes out a shadowblade, and kills him. Freyr’s axebeak, Ishe, is on her way to try and retrieve Freyr. Lydia tries to mount her, but is bucked off. 

Barnaby’s turn is next and he gets a NAT 20 TO THE SAVE, POPS UP, SAYS “SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER” AND DOWNS LYDIA WITH A LEVEL 2 MAGIC MISSILE.

Ishe then pecks his ass and puts him back on death saves. Which he got another nat 20 to in two turns. 

SO, TPK. Wonderful. Rhozal then releases a snake called Xipecoatl unto the world in exchange for his life. The snake kills the skeleton, and Ishe comes in to grab Freyr and run. Barnaby gets up and makes a deal with the snake.

Freyr goes to the nearest city with Ishe, once he comes to, for help from the guard. With a nat 20 to persuasion, he gets it.

Barnaby starts making traps around the caves, including alchemist’s fire and rockfall traps. I am sent into secrets corner, alone, FOR 45 FUCKING MINUTES while Barnaby talks. 

Finally, I’m able to get back into the main call, and Freyr takes up his weapons, and the guards, and he makes his way into the caverns. Man checked for traps all the while, but they were disarmed. Barnaby left a note. Rhozal is fucking worried and wants to pursue him now. Barnaby has captured Lydia. 

We resolve to fucking kill him.

Thanks to Lydia being a fucking madlad, we’re able to locate him hiding out in the snow. He hears the sled dogs that are with us. Rhozal is given a scroll of fireball (reward for the quest we were on), and he uses it to cast fireball on Barnaby. Takes 11 fire damage.

I go, and I try to Vow of Emnity his ass. Can’t. Fucking illusion. GREAT. 

Turns progress and the guards can’t hit him because of this illusion. Lydia is not doing well on death saves. She needs to be saved now.

On Barnaby’s turn, he takes out a fang, and teleports away.

“Let this be known as the day you almost caught Barnaby Busselton!”

He also ignites the oil he had planted around Lydia. Due to a Secret, Freyr has fire resistance, so he was literally thrown into the fires to help her. After cutting himself so Lydia could be stable/healed, he hauls her up and out of the flames.

Barnaby is now a DMPC, and will eventually be hunted.

We all leave and get a room in the nearby city of Easthaven. We spent the night there, we had some very nice heart to heart moments. Rhozal now feels empty. But we all cement our bonds with each other, and Rhozal and Lydia become very cute and adorable. I don’t want this post to be a million miles long, so I’ll leave it at that.

I will try to summarize the next few sessions. Essentially, we found a magic cauldron in those caves (its a Cauldron of Plenty) and the Speaker (mayor) of Easthaven was willing to pay 3500gp for it. So we planned to give it to him, but it was stolen in the time period the speaker had told us it would take for us to be paid. We find Charles in the Speaker’s town hall, and we ask him if he knew anything. The answer was ‘no’. So we head downstairs and we find the Speaker beat to shit, along with his guards. 

It is at this point we find out who stole the cauldron, a dwarf woman named Torgga, and we head out as soon as possible. The Speaker offers 1000 more gp for its retrieval.

So we head off to Targos, the last town that we knew Torgga frequented. We go to Luskan Arms, a Tavern, and we find her sleds. But the cauldron is gone. We head inside and we see her heading up to speak with someone. Lydia turns invisible and leaves her familiar, a pseudodragon named Signum (who is also constantly pointing in the direction Lydia is in), with us. When Signum squeaks, it means she’s in danger. 

Lydia is able to eavesdrop on a situation. The Speaker of Targos plans to starve out Easthaven. GREAT. POLITICS. Makes Torgga fear him. He is a corrupted cunt, essentially. 

Torgga is let out, and Lydia remains in the room with the Speaker. 

She then decides to attack. Signum starts squeaking. Me and Rhozal’s player are aggressively signing (because we had been muted for this entire altercation) that we are FUCKIN GONE, we are DASHING AWAY-

But Lydia CRITS ON THE BITE. C R I T. NATURAL. T W E N T Y.

Combat ensues. It takes Freyr and Rhozal forever to try and get to her. Rhozal is able to just yeet his ass upstairs, but then there’s a locked door in the way. Freyr is being pulled back by a tiefling (one of the Speaker’s lot), and even with a FUCKING 21 TO ATHLETICS, I couldn’t break free. FOR LIKE FIVE FUCKING ROUNDS. NO, I did not hit this person, BECAUSE MY PALLY BOY WAS JUST THINKING “don’t hurt more people than you have to, that’s just going to cause more trouble”. 

But anyway he gets upstairs but Lydia is unconscious. Rhozal cannot pick the door. So we start breaking it down.

We break it down.

The Speaker ties up Lydia with manacles. We break into his room (after Rhozal gets poisoned by a Cone Snail doorknob), see Lydia is awake (nat 20 to death saves baBY), and that the Speaker is missing.

He escaped through a hidden door. Freyr watched him do it. So he tries to find the exit, but fails. 

His next turn, this motherfucker opens the door and says “Hello!”. Makes 3 attacks.

Misses 2.

CRITS. ON THE THIRD. FOR FUCK SAKE-

Freyr is down. AND. AND. HE HAS THREE SPELL SLOTS THAT HE CAN USE. AND ALL OF HIS LAY ON HANDS POINTS. BUT HE IS DOWN. FUCK.

Rhozal is also downed, but Signum arrives to save the day! Signum stings him. Speaker rolls a nat 1 to his con save, so he is now unconscious for an hour. Freyr gets healing potion’d, then he res’s Rhozal, and then Rhozal starts tying up the Speaker. Charles had been kinda holding back the tide downstairs (Dire Wolf wild shaping is fucking insane at level 3), so he hauls ass to come help us. 

However, about 5 other people are following. FUCK.

We try to find a way to escape. We also need proof the Speaker is a corrupt fuckhead. Which we THOUGHT we had, because the Speaker wrote a letter that essentially said “Ah yes, I am Evil and Corrupt, muah ha ha.” However. The DM then proceeded to reveal that he didn’t have the letter on him, when he told Lydia that she saw him take it.

Fucking. Damn. It.

We headed into his secret hallway and we try to find a way out. 

The hallway is trapped, however, and nearly takes us out because of those traps. How fucking LOVELY. 

We hear the guards calling for someone, who finds the oTHER END OF THIS HALLWAY AND THEN SNIPES FREYR. Down. AGAIN. 

Then Rhozal is put down. 

Charles and Lydia are able to flee. 

Rhozal and Freyr are taken captive. 

We awake to find ourselves imprisoned. Manacled, in nothing but ragged clothing. The Speaker wants to make a deal. He literally says “Ah yes, I am corrupt and power hungry. Work for me.”

Look. Freyr is not about that life. It’s complicated but it has ties to his backstory.

Rhozal wants to say yes. Freyr is a vehement no. This guy thinks of him, Rhozal, and Lydia as precious pieces on his board. Weapons he can turn against the people of Targos and Ten Towns. Things for his own gain. Freyr would rather choose death before dishonor.

The Speaker then says that Freyr would be imprisoned, and let out once he became more useful. 

Rhozal fears he will be killed. 

It is at this point that I and Rhozal’s player go into the Secrets chat so Rhozal and Freyr can argue their points. 

Meanwhile, Charles and Lydia go to find some acquaintances the party made in Targos. Marianne, a Changeling healer, and Mimosa Halfglass, the chief healer in Targos. They start planning a prison break.

In our bickering and imprisonment, Marianne comes to us. We tell her to sneak out our things. She’s disguising herself as a guard. She then leaves. 

Rhozal’s player and I are then brought into the general vc and muted. 

Lydia ends up speaking with the Speaker alone, offers a counter-offer, and also offers to try and convince Rhozal and Freyr to take his deal. He allows her to try and do so. Lydia is shackled and put into the same cell we are. 

The session ends here. However, in the background, Lydia, Rhozal, and Freyr all end up talking. 

I will say this now. I am feeling... stuck with my boy. I love Freyr. I really do. However, I don’t feel... inspired to play him anymore. So the DM has told us we need to make a decision -- take the Speaker’s offer, or don’t. And in this decision, I have a second one, that being; do I continue playing Freyr, or do I introduce a new character. 

I feel like, while the others have ideas and plans, Freyr doesn’t have many. Not many plot things that he feels relevant to or connected by, outside of this prophecy he was given to by Odin in the session he lost his eye. However, that feels like a very late game thing, and I feel like I’m kinda... twiddling my thumbs while the others have things to do. 

My next character I have basically planned out. I know how he talks, how he thinks, his mannerisms, everything. And I really like him. Haven’t quite decided on a name yet, but I incorporated that aspect itself into his character. 

I already know that Freyr is a vehement ‘no’. Lydia and Rhozal tried to convince him otherwise, but my boy is stubborn. But the DM told me that things do not have to end there. 

So my decision by Wednesday is now -- who’s story do I play? Freyr’s, or this new character?

I’m still torn. But I am leaning more and more towards this new character. He feels dynamic, and the character is a class I’ve never played before. Plus I think he’ll get along well with Lydia, Rhozal, and Charles. 

It’ll be a heartfelt goodbye if he leaves. But I feel like his chapter has come to a close. Besides, I feel like he’s a bit too... third wheel-y for what Rhozal and Lydia have going on. He feels too awkward. I don’t like his dynamic too much anymore. 

But who knows, maybe I’ll regret the decision either way. However, I do believe it’s time for my paladin to say goodbye. At least at the time of writing. I’ll provide updates when the fateful day comes.]