#and then someone mentions this in front of nadia and valerius and they just seem kinda surprised

[bluehairperson]

I thought only now about the possibility of Lucio having commissioned some coins with his face on them. Imagine being traumatized by this tyrant and all the things he did, never wanting to see him again after his death but constantly being haunted by his memory not only because of the various monuments around the city, but also because his face is literally engraved on the local currency.

Asra grimacing every time he gets paid by a client at the shop or has to use the same coin to buy bread. The man who took everything from him and made him grow up in absolute poverty is now part of what allows him to afford food and shelter every day.

Julian spending everything he has at the tavern every night because the mere thought of having those coins in his pockets makes him feel heavy with dread. He doesn't even look when he tosses them on the table.

It doesn't matter how far away they both try to escape during their travels, some of those coins always manage to catch up to them no matter where they go. It's like he never left.

[eveningcatcher]

Main six + courtiers with a drunk MC

Asra:

 After another one of Asra’s many travels, they finally got to go home. As they gently unlocked the doors, they couldn’t help but smell the familiar scent of alcohol in the shops. They brushed the thought off, thinking that MC may have just put it in as some of the spell’s components. Slowly they went upstairs, trying their best not to wake MC up. Much to their surprise, they saw the candle’s faint flame in the bedroom. They opened the door, expecting to see MC who has just forgotten to blow the candle out, only to see their beloved laying in bed, with an empty Nevivon vodka in their hand.

“MC,” Asra gently called out, taking the empty bottle and putting it on the side.

“What,” MC muttered, opening their eyelids just enough to see Asra, “I…”

“Shh,” Asra said, moving a loose strand of MC’s hair to the side, “Let’s just go to bed now.”

As soon as MC saw Asra try to take off their dirty shirt, they punched them as much as their drunk self could, trying to move further away from Asra.

“What are you doing? Stop it! I’m already with someone!”

“Yes…” they said, holding onto the place where MC punched them, ”With me.”

“No, I, I’m with Asra!”

“That’s me,” they said, confused as ever.

“No, no, no. You are not them, you are not,” they protested, trying to get as far away as they could, ”They are kind and loving and, and, generous and that’s not you. They, they are so sweet and kind. They’re always there for me. They did so much for me and I, ”MC started weeping,” I would never be able to repay them.”

“They don’t want you to repay them,” they said, handing them over some tissues.

“I know that! But I want to repay them,” they wiped off their tears,” I want to let them know that they can always rely on me, but it just seems like they never notice!”

“What do you mean?” they frowned, confused.

“It’s always like,“ they started to imitate Asra’s voice the best way they could, ”Don’t worry, I’ll open the shop, I’ll make breakfast, I’ll g to the market. It just feels like they’re overdoing themselves because of me,” more tears formed in their eyes.

“No, no, please don’t cry. I’m sure they don’t mind doing all of that for you.”

“Again, it’s not about what they think, it’s about what I think,” they said, trying their best to calm themselves down. Once they did, they said:

“I have no clue how you got into our shop. Get out! I’ll, I’ll call the, the guards!”

Asra nodded, realizing it would be for the best if they went to sleep downstairs.

  Julian:

 It was another night Julian and MC spent at Rowdy Raven. They had a great time drinking, dancing and singing many songs. Once Julian took a glance at the clock, he realised that it was enough for today. He grabbed MC’s hand and, upon seeing that they are drunk, lead them to his home.

Once they got home, Julian put MC down on a chair, touching the fabric of their shirt, “Isn’t this your favourite shirt?” he asked when he saw a huge stain from beer,” Don’t worry, it will be good as new once it’s washed,” he reassured them as he started to unbutton MC.

“What are you doing?” MC snapped at Julian.

“I’m trying to unbutton the shirt?” he said with clear confusion.

“Well stop it! Don’t you have any respect?!”

He was taken back by MC’s harsh words. “But MC, we’ve seen each other change multiple times.”

“What?” they said as they raised their head, staring at Julian in the eyes,” No, I’ve never seen you before in my entire life! Now get the fuck away from me,” they pushed Julian’s hand away,” I’m already with someone!”

“Ohh…” he said, realizing MC can’t recognize him,” You’re with Julian?”

“Yes,” MC slowly nodded,” Now get away from me!”

“Alright, alright, I’ll leave…” he went outside of the room, closing the door. Three seconds later he opened the doors once again,” Right before you answer a question.”

“Sure,” they said while trying their best to stay awake.

As soon as he had a green light, he started to talk to MC about all of his insecurities he couldn’t mention to them when they were sober, “Why are you with him? I mean, he’s, he’s a mess. Always hurting himself and others around him. He’s useless most of the time-”

MC interrupted them, staring at Julian with rage, “Are you the one who put these thoughts inside his head?”

“Well,” he thought for a moment,” Technically yes-”

“Don’t you fucking dare say that to my precious baby ever again!” they said, giving Julian the strongest backhand slap they could. ”Stay away from him!”

“I-“ he didn’t know what to say. All of his doubts about MC being with him just because they pity him vanished.” Alright. I will.”

 Nadia:

 “Oh, would you look at that, the witch arrived,” Valerius said jokingly as he offered MC a glass. They shook their head as they sat across the Consul.

“No, thank you.”

“What? Scared of a glass of alcohol?” he raised his brow with a smirk,” Do witches make some unspoken vow to never drink perhaps? Or,” he gasped dramatically, “Have you never had a glass of wine?”

“Give me that,” instead of taking his glass of wine, MC took the bottle he held in his other hand. After a solid two minutes, the whole bottle was empty. ” See? I can drink!”

“You sure can,” his eyes widened as he stared at the empty bottle. Moments later, Nadia entered the room and Consul realized by the look on her face that now is not the time to explain how MC got into this state.

“MC, what is going on?” she asked as she took a glance at Valerius who quickly left as soon as he saw her, then at MC’s clothes,” Come on now, let’s get you changed.”

Once they were in her room she started to look through some of the clothes, “I’ll have to have a word with the Consul later. Come on now, MC, just,” she said as she showed her one of the expensive outfits she bought for them,” let me put this on for you.”

“Stop it. I’m already with Nadi,” they said as they covered themselves as much as they could.

“I know, but how is that connected to- oh,” she stopped for a moment, realizing what MC was implying.

“Please stop what you’re doing. I’m not interested,” they explained themselves.

“I, I see, I see,” she moved a bit away, trying her best to reassure MC,” It must be nice, being with a Countess.”

“Yes, she is such a dear!”

“I’m curious, what is she like?” she asked, wanting to know what MC thinks about her.

“Oh, she may look a bit strict, but she means well,” they started explaining, seeing how the person in front of them stopped whatever they were trying to do,” I like it how she always protects Volta from the rest of the court. She is always so kind to everyone. Oh,” they changed the topic,” And, have you seen her hair? It’s so majestic!”

“I, why yes,” she nodded, feeling flattered,” It’s beautiful, but do you have anything you dislike about her?”

“Oh, I sure do! She doesn’t want to reveal her secret!” MC said, pouting.

“What secret?” Nadia asked, wanting to find out her secret as well.

“She doesn’t want to give me her skincare routine! I always try my best to see what masks she wears, but I can never see her put on any!”

“Maybe she just doesn’t use anything?” she asked, knowing very well that, apart from a night cream, she doesn’t use anything.

“That’s impossible- well, maybe it is…” they thought about it for a moment.

Seeing how MC doesn’t have anything in particular to say, she wanted to kiss them and leave, but, before she did so, she realized that she may make MC uncomfortable. “I’ll leave now,” she said as she went on to look for Valerius to give him a piece of her mind.

 Portia:

 “Mazelinka always brings the best whiskey, doesn’t she?”Portia said happily as she poured more whiskey in MC’s glass,” MC, hey??? Oh, you’re wasted,” Portia giggled as they lead MC to the bedroom,” Come on, it’s bedtime for you – oops,” she said once she accidentally knocked MC’s glass on them, staining the clothes,” Don’t worry, I’ll help you change.”

Once they got to the bedroom, Portia let MC sit on her wooden chair as they tried to take their pants off. Her attempts have been a failure since MC has been trying to get up, moving her hands away and so on.

“What- Mc, stop…” she said as she tried her best to make MC calm down,” struggling.”

“No, no, stop it, I don’t, I don’t want it.”

“MC as much as I love you I can’t let you sleep in that,” she finally gave up for a moment for her to explain herself,” You’ll ruin my sheets.”

“I’m already with Portia.”

“What…” she stared at them for a moment, wanting to tell them ‘obviously,’ but then, she figured out what was going on in MC’s dizzy head, ” OH… I, I see… you must love her a lot.”

“You don’t need to love someone a lot to not cheat on them…” MC said in a most annoyed tone, ”But yes, I love her a lot.”

“That’s so sweet of you…” Portia stared at MC, feeling like she could tear up for a moment.

“It’s not, really,“ Mc continued talking in the same annoyed tone, ” If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be with her.”

“Of course,” Portia nodded, getting a bit annoyed at how MC acted like a smartass,” But why do you love her?”

“First, look at her! She’s a fucking angel!”

“Aww,” she commented, feeling happy about MC’s description of her.

“Second, she knows so much…” they trailed off.

“But she’s a maid,” Portia explained, looking confused. She knew very well that she wasn’t the most informed person out there. She only learned how to read a couple of years ago!

“I meant as in cooking, sewing, knitting and so on,” MC counted on their fingers,” She’s so skilled! Isn’t that impressive?” they asked.

“It really is,” she nodded, wanting to drop the topic but MC continued talking.

“And most importantly, she can always make me smile.”

Portia felt her eyes getting glossier, but she didn’t want drunk MC to see her cry. MC was left all alone in Portia’s bedroom. She’ll buy new bedsheets, but now her precious MC needs sleep.

  Muriel:

 Muriel has just done feeding the chickens when he entered his tiny hut, immediately noticing wasted MC on the small table.

“I guess my homemade rakija is too strong for you,” he joked as he walked up to MC, gently petting their head. Once he didn’t get any reaction from them, he started to get worried.

“MC… MC are you okay?” he asked as he slowly raised MC, who had an expression of a confused newborn.

“Mhm,” they responded, not having any energy to open their eyes.

“Wait, oh, you’ve spilt a bit of it…” he noted once he took a look at MC’s ruined shirt. He picked them up, putting them on the small bed next to the fire,” I, if it’s alright… I could take your, your clothes off,” he muttered the last part.

“WHAT? NO!” they shouted as they tried to move as far away as they could from Muriel, but to no avail.

“I, I understand, but you can’t wear that…”

“I can wear whatever the fuck I want!” they shouted as they covered themselves up in some blankets.

“Sorry…” he apologized as he moved a bit away from them, embarrassed that he even asked them that.

“You should be! That’s so disrespectful, I already have a boyfriend!”

“You… do?” he said, completely crushed. Of course, MC would have cheated on him,” Well, it’s not a surprise…”

“Yes, Muriel is the biggest sweetheart out there!” they proudly exclaimed, somehow managing to fall despite them sitting on the bed.

“Muriel…” he opened his mouth wide open. MC’s too drunk to even recognize him, ” You mean the scourge?”

“Why does everyone call him that?” MC pouted, trying their best to get out of the bed, but they failed miserably which resulted in Muriel helping them.” He did nothing wrong!”

“He killed many people…” he got more serious,” He could hurt you too, you know?”

”He could punch me and I’d thank him.” MC simply stated it, expecting the conversation to be over.

“W-What? But my,” he corrected himself,” his punches would be-”

“Do you seriously believe he’d hurt me?” they raised they eyebrows and, if they could raise their eyelids just a bit, they’d give Muriel a judging stare.

“Well, he could, accidentally.” He continued to explain.

“Bullshit. Now, leave me alone.”

Muriel didn’t know what to tell them so he left, leaving Inanna to guard MC. As for him, he crashed at Asra’s shop, having a sleepover party that Asra was way too enthusiastic about.

 Lucio:

 “Oh my GOD!” Lucio shouted as he flopped on his bed, squealing like a little girl,” The party was just amazing, right MC?” he raised his head above the pillows to see MC ba\rely keeping their balance,” MC??? Don’t tell me you got drunk from champagne?!?” he gasped dramatically as he walked over to them, letting them sit on the bed, ” Oh well, I’ll just take the clothes off for you.”

“What? No, no, no,” they moved his hands away from their clothes,” I’ll keep the clothes on…”

“Well, I mean, yes, you look gorgeous in it,” he said as he traced the expensive material on MC, ”But are you sure you’d be comfortable?”

“I’m sure,” they nodded, feeling sleepy, however, they seemed to ‘get to their senses’ as soon as they felt Lucio trying to take off their pants,” Hey, I said no. You’re disgusting!”

“WHAT?” he shouted, not knowing what to say. MC never minded changing in front of him, but why is it a problem now?

“I’m already with someone,” they whispered as they put their pants back on.

“Wait what?” he frowned, completely lost.

“Stop saying what all the time,” MC frowned as they nearly started crying,” it’s giving me a headache…”

“Who are you with?” he asked as he softened his voice a bit, trying his best to comfort MC.

“Lucio, the count,” they explained as they moved away from him,” Now get away from me before I start screaming.”

“Ohh, why didn’t you say so sooner,” he walked up to them but as soon as they opened their mouth, taking a large gasp, ready to scream, Lucio backed off a bit, ”It must be difficult to bear the count, right?”

“What? No, he’s, he’s,” they didn’t know how to describe his actions. Despite him always calling it oopsies, they knew that those mistakes were more than just an oopsie.” He’s fucked up before, but at the very least he realized what he did and he’s trying, you know?”

“Trying what?” he asked, genuinely wanting to realize what he’s been doing well.

“Well, to fix it,” they didn’t know what else to say as their head became heavier and heavier.

“But he didn’t do anything so far!” he protested as he thought about everything. He did hold some court meetings regarding the flooded district and he did give people some money to help them recover from everything but that’s still-

“You know, it’s much easier to destroy something than to fix it,” they yawned, looking down, ” Give it some time.”

“Well, guess that makes sense.”

“Mhm,” they nodded,” Now get out of here.”

“But-”

“Now,” they said as they screeched as loud as they could. Some worried staff came right into the room, expecting the worst, but Lucio quickly told them off, explaining that everything is fine. He left MC alone, demanding to have one bedroom prepared for him immediately. How embarrassing, he got kicked out of his room.

 Volta:

 “Oh MC, please, drink as much as you want!” Volta said as she refilled MC’s and her glass of alcohol. Once she was done with it, she noticed that MC isn’t waking up.” MC…” she pushed them a bit, then stopped, waiting for their reaction,” MC! Well,” she took a glance at the clock,” Volta guesses it is time to go to bed…”

With surprisingly lots of strength, Volta carried MC to their room. Once she found some more comfortable clothes, she turned to MC.

“Oh, don’t worry,” she said as she looked at MC who didn’t have a will nor strength to change at that moment,” Volta will help you with changing!”

“Wait, what are you doing???” MC said, worried, as Volta took off MC’s scarf.

“Taking off the clothes for you?” she responded, confused to why MC is reacting the way they are.

“I don’t want to take my clothes off, nor do I want to do such things,” MC explained as they wrapped the scarf around their neck,” I’m already with my precious little baby!”

“Um, you don’t have children?” she said, still just as confused as before.

“What? No!” they shook their head,” I’m with my tiny little Volta!”

“But… that’s me!” she pointed at herself.

“No, my Volta is shorter!” they said, not knowing that, because they are sitting, Volta is appearing shorter in front of them.

“Um…” she genuinely had no clue on what to do, so she just decided to go along with it,” Makes sense. What else can you tell me about Volta?”

“She, she is such a precious little bean!” they said with tears forming in their eyes,” She is so kind! But, but nobody talks about it, only about how she eats a lot,” they burst into tears,” Why are people so cruel?”

“Oh, it’s,” she handed them her handkerchief,” It’s okay, Volta is used to it.”

“That’s exactly why it’s not okay!” they shouted as they wiped off their tears,” She never shouts, nor gossips like other courtiers, she just eats and yet people are still mean!”

“Well, many people are like that,” she started explaining as she handed MC another handkerchief.

“But that doesn’t make it okay. Volta needs to fight more for herself!”

“Maybe you’re right,” she said, knowing that she could save a fortune if Valerius stopped pouring wine on her. She could buy so much food with all of those savings. She left MC alone in their room as she went back to her dining room, imagining how nice it would be to not get shouted on.

  Vlastomil:

 “Oh, MC, you’re late, oh so very late! Wriggler got so tired waiting for you that she fell asleep. MC?” he started shaking them, trying to get out any type of reaction,” MC!!!” it was at that moment that he smelled alcohol,” Oh, I forgot you humans have low tolerance on alcohol. Come, MC, let’s go to bed now.”

“Get your slimy hands off me!” they said once they got into the bedroom, trying their best to cover themselves up.

“They’re not slimy…” he stared at his own hands with a frown,” Why are you so rude to me?”

“Why am I rude? You’re the one who’s trying to… to… “ they forgot the word for it, so they just continued the sentence, ”Even though I am already with someone!”

“I’m trying to-“his frown got even deeper as he tried to decipher MC’s thought,” OH… Well, I wasn’t.”

“And I should take your word for it?” they asked, raising their eyebrow.

“Well, yes.”

“No way.”

“But it’s the truth,” he started explaining,” I just want to take these dirty clothes off-”

“See? You have ill intentions!” they shouted, trying their best to get away.

“I don’t! Let me just- stop struggling!” he said as he started to take off MC’s clothes,” Wait, why are you crying now??? Okay, okay, I’ll stop, just, please don’t cry.”

“This was all a terrible, terrible idea,” they sobbed as they put their clothes back on.

“What idea?”

“I just, I just wanted to see if he would care, even a bit,” they continued sobbing,” He only pays attention to his worms.”

“Is that how you feel?” MC nodded as they wiped off their tears.

“Oh, that’s terrible, terrible!” he hugged them, to which MC surprisingly didn’t punch him,” You shouldn’t feel like that. He loves you!”

“No, he loves his worms,” they looked down,” I’m just going to be around until he gets bored.”

“It’s not like that. He loves you. You’re his favourite human!” he reassured them, trying his best to show them how he feels.

“Even if it’s true that doesn’t mean much when he isn’t showing it in any way,” they sulked as they started to cry even more.

Vlastomil didn’t know what to say. He never thought he was being neglectful to MC. Well, now that he thought about it, he may have spent a lot more attention on his worms lately. Well, that needs to change. Once he was sure MC was sound asleep he went into Wriggler’s room, trying his best to come up with any ideas on how he’ll make MC feel loved again.

  Vulgora:

 "MC you never told me you can drink this much," Vulgora laughed as they carried drunk MC back to their estate.

For the first time in a while, they were gentle as they walked on their tiptoes, trying their best not to disturb MC. Once they got to Vulgora's bedroom they put MC down on their bed, trying their best not to scratch them with their gauntlets. They were looking through the wardrobe, trying to find some clothes for MC; the ones they wore were dirtied by the alcohol and whatnot.

Once they found one of their red shirts they walked back to the bed, noticing that MC was somewhat awake. Vulgora was happy because of this, believing that it would be easier to change awake MC, however, that soon proved to be false. MC always seemed to wriggle, moving the red bedsheets over Vulgora's head as they tried their best to get away from Vulgora.

"Don't struggle so much!" Vulgora said frustrated as they pulled the bedsheet off their head.

"Get away from me!" MC shoved Vulgora's hand away, trying to get up from the bed, but to no avail.

"Stop it! I'm already with someone!"MC said as they sat back down on the bedsheets, trying to cover themselves as best as they could," They'll beat your ass when they come."

"What?!? Are you CHEATING on me?!?" Vulgora shouted, only seeing red in front of them. Oh, that poor, unfortunate soul. They're done for once Vulgora finds them.

"I've never been with you!" MC frowned, calming down a bit," I'm with a brave warrior... they're also a..."

Vulgora couldn't believe what they were hearing. Did the relationship the two of them had meant so little to MC? Still, they decided to push back the feeling of betrayal. They'll deal with the bastard MC is with first. "Tell me their FUCKING name!"

MC cowered for a moment, but once Vulgora was done shouting, MC continued talking: "V...V..." as much as they tried to remember their lover's name, the letters seemed to evaporate right in front of them. After a moment they gave up. Instead of the name, they wanted to tell them the profession, but it seemed like they couldn't remember even that, so they said the closest thing that they could remember. "They're a pope."

"A pope?!?" Vulgora stared at MC in disbelief. They knew each and every pope and all of them were at least eighty. Most of them had grandchildren for God's sake! 

"No, not a pope..." they shrugged as they waved their hand left and right, trying to remember. It was a higher position than a pope, it's a... "pontifex! They're a pontifex!" They said proudly once they remembered," Wear only red, you can't miss them."

Vulgora was silent for a moment and the only thing that could tell off their emotions was the sparkle in their eyes. MC didn't cheat on them. Wait, did they describe Vulgora as a brave, warrior? Their eyes sparkled even more.

"Oh... could you tell me more about that pontifex?" They leaned forward, wanting to hear more words of praise.

"They're always shouting and challenging people to a battle, you know?"

"And?"

"And... they are so, so..." MC forgot the word to use, so they tried their best to flex with their nonexistent muscles.

"Strong?" Vulgora asked.

"Mhm. They can beat up anyone!" MC exclaimed happily.

Vulgora puffed their chest with pride. Still, it wasn't enough, "Something more?"

"Well..."MC stopped for a moment to think. After a while, they finally said," I like their laugh. They laugh like... like this!" MC tried to imitate them, but they failed almost immediately. The sound they made was nothing like a laugh, it sounded more like a cry before death as they choked on air, then coughed.

Upon seeing this mess, Vulgora couldn't help but laugh their ass off, not being able to get a breath.

"Yeah, like that!" MC said happily as they still coughed in between words.

Vulgora wanted to ask more, but the odour of alcohol was unbearable. MC desperately needed to change. Vulgora picked up their shirt and wanted to change MC once more, but MC still kept on struggling.

"Get away from me!"

Vulgora rolled their eyes, knowing that they's have to sleep in the guestroom."Ugh... fine..." before they left the room they took all of their weapons off the walls, making sure that MC won't get hurt during the night.

 Valerius:

"I always thought a witch would have a better alcohol tolerance than this," Valerius said as he sat in his carriage with MC's head on his lap who was muttering some nonsense.

He gently pats their head when they complained about their headache, praying that they won't throw up on his expensive clothes. Once they got in front of their estate, Valerius waited until a maid opened the doors. He helped her with getting MC out, however, as for the carrying, the duty fell completely on the poor maid.

"Should I change them?" She asked through huffs another servant came to help her.

"Yes," Valerius nodded, letting the servants carry MC to the bedroom. 

As for him, he went to his library, slowly walking to his desk and even though he'd rather not, went to finish some of the work from yesterday. It was at the moment when he finally focused on his work, trying to figure out how did the count succeed to waste so much money on a coat, that he heard MC's faint cries for help.

"Get away! Get away!" There was a short pause, accompanied by the sound of glass shattering, "Someone help!"

Confused, Valerius left the library, knocking on the bedroom doors.

"Is there a problem?" He wanted to get in but stopped at the sound of another glass breaking. After a moment, the servant went outside, barely closing the doors after themselves.

"They don't want to get changed," the servant explained.

"Ugh," Valerius rolled his eyes, as he opened the door," Move, I'll do it."

The two of them only nodded, leaving him and MC alone once they took the larger chunks of glass off the floor.

"Stop it," MC shouted, not letting Valerius take their shirt off, "What's with you people?"

Valerius backed off for a moment, looking for wine. He drank it straight from the bottle because MC broke all of the glasses, "I swear, you're impossible to work with," he put the bottle down with a sigh, Let's just get over this."

"Fuck off!" MC shouted as they lazily looked for anything they could throw at Valerius, "I, I'm already with someone!"

"Oh, really? With whom?"

"With Consul!" 

Valerius was silent for a moment. So, MC can't recognise them. Who would have guessed that four glasses of champagne did this to a person? With an evil smirk, he stated at MC. He will use this opportunity well.

"So you're just with him because of the money?" He started talking plainly, waiting for MC's response.

"What? No. Do you think I'm with someone because of that?" MC frowned as they picked up one of the pillows, throwing it straight at Valerius," My shop is not as busy, but I can live off my money just fine."

"I see..." he silently groaned in frustration as he caught the pillow. How can a drunk person have this much strength? Probably one of the witch's abilities. He chuckled at the thought as he continued talking," It's just that he is a bit-"

"Cocky? Always has something to say?"

Even though he didn't want to say it, he still talked through his teeth, "...yes."

"So what? He is all bark and no bite," MC stopped walking away from Valerius for a moment to take a break.

"I... see...” he frowned, salty from the comment,” So then what's the reason you're with him?"

"Let's see...” they started counting on their fingers,” Firstly, even though he acts like a little bitch from time to time he can comfort me when I need it the most, secondly, I enjoy his company,” after a short pause they added,” Also, they are dedicated about their job. I love that part of him."

He blinked twice, surprised by the last statement, "What about the flooded district?"

"What?" they asked lazily.

"What about it? He failed to-"

"Oh shut up! You sound just like him...” they rolled their eyes,” If you truly cared that much about the flooded district, why didn't you do anything about it?"

"But it's his job-" he persisted.

"Just shut up. I'm not in the mood to argue and I know that you are well aware of the state the city was in back then."

"I...” he thought for a moment about everything MC said,” I guess you are right."

"Of course I am. Now get out of my sight before I call the galls!"

"You mean guards?" he irked a brow, smiling at MC.

"Same thing."

 Valdemar:

 Valdemar was reading some books in their library when they noticed MC falling on the floor in front of them.

“Oh my, what do we have here, MC?” they picked them up, smelling alcohol as they carried them to the bedroom. Once they were sure that MC didn’t get any bruises from the fall, they went looking for spare clothes.

“What would you do without me?” they happily mused as they picked MC up, unbuttoning their shirt.

“Eek! What do you think you’re doing?” they moved their hand away.

“Taking your dirty clothes off,” they said as they continued to unbutton their shirt,” Now, If you’ll excuse me-”

“Stop it! I’m already with someone!” they tried their best to move as far away from Valdemar as they could, ” You’re disgusting!”

“Oh, really now?” they tilted their head, realizing that MC may have drunk more than they should,” And with whom might you be?”

“Valdemar.”

“What a…” they thought for a moment, thinking about all of the questions they could ask,” terrible choice…”

“What did you say?” MC frowned, rage building up inside them.

“It’s just that…” they trailed off, enjoying this interrogation,” Why them of all people?” they asked innocently.

“Why not?”

“They could easily kill you in your sleep,” Valdemar explained something they considered common knowledge.

“If they wanted to, they would have done so already,” MC sat on the bed, not taking their eyes off of Valdemar.

“Well,” they tilted their head as they thought about MC’s statement.” I suppose that makes sense… but what about their…” they tried to think of the way the common folk would describe them,” odd habits?”

“What odd habits? Dissection?”

“Yes,” they nodded.

“Honestly, as long as there’s nothing alive on the dissection table, I don’t mind,” they said, feeling their eyelids get heavy.

Valdemar stared at them for a moment, nodding as they made a note in their head to never, ever let MC into the dungeons.

 “Well, thank you for sharing this valuable information. I’ll leave now,” they said, leaving the room with their footsteps barely audible as they closed the door after themselves.

[cedarmoons]

reversed nadia & tragic heroism

aka, stop dismissing complex female characters as bitches you heathens

to preface this meta: i’ve included screenshots where i can, but as tumblr only allows 10 images, i’ll also include transcripts of scenes i want to discuss. screenshots have been cropped to only include the text, and should be read from left to right. i have left out some filler text, and “blank” boxes are only meant to keep the image even. all mentions of “Nadia,” unless otherwise stated, refers to Nadia in her Reversed route.

tldr: Nadia is Textbook Tragic Hero, it wasn’t animal abuse, Nadia did not sell MC to Satan for one corn chip, and it certainly wasn’t “bad writing.”

Long ass character meta under the cut! obviously contains spoilers for Book XX, Judgement - Reversed.

So. I originally had no intention of playing any of the reversed routes, but there were some claims about Nadia (i.e., she abused Mercedes & Melchior, she killed Lucio in cold blood, and she sold out MC for her own power) that made me think HMST and play it myself. Unsurprisingly, every single one of the above takes does not provide any greater context whatever.

I changed four (4) things to get Nadia’s reversed route: I never encouraged her to talk to her sisters or ask them for help; I told her to send Portia away; I did not allow the Flooded District partygoer to talk to her in Temperance; I told her to kill Lucio in The Devil.

And playing Nadia’s route seemed incredibly familiar to me, though it took a little while for me to realize why: Nadia, in her reversed route, is the textbook Tragic Hero. The Tragic Hero has a “fatal flaw,” which leads them to commit catastrophic errors in judgement, which leads to their allies, family, and friends abandoning them and their own isolation, which leads to the Tragic Hero realizing (too late) the gravity of their own errors.

I can’t believe I’m busting out my degree for a mobile game because some people like to twist things, but here we are. Someone has to go to bat for Nadia when the narrative surrounding her the past 48 hours has been doing her so dirty.

Part 1: The Lucio Problem

Now, let’s get straight to the first bout of character analysis: Lucio’s death. Nadia does not, in fact, cut Lucio down in cold blood. Lucio actually gets her to stop, and she allows him to explain why he should be allowed to live, which essentially is “because then I can help you overthrow the Devil.” The following is a transcript of their conversation, starting with Lucio explaining how he was supposed to be the Devil (instead of the ghost goat form we see in early-to-midgame), up to and including his death:

LUCIO: “It should have worked too! It was supposed to work! It wasn’t my fault. The Devil played dirty, he cheated me out of my chance to win! But together, we can defeat him. We can do it right this time!”

Nadia stares at him for a very long time, then throws her head back and laughs.

NADIA: “Yes, because you’ve been so trustworthy in the past.”

NADIA: “You would become the Devil and spread your treachery further than even Vesuvia. You would do the same thing he is attempting. You would cause death and destruction. Neither of you deserve the title. If you want something done right... do it yourself.”

LUCIO: “I won’t lose here! I don’t lose!”

Lucio lurches forward, anger flashing in his eyes. He reaches forward with a gold-gauntleted glove - And stops, as blood gurgles up from his mouth, trailing down his chin. Nadia’s blade is plunged deep in the center of his chest, the blade finally finding its mark.

LUCIO: “...”

She pulls the sword out and he crumples, his last words lost.

It should be noted Lucio’s sprite isn’t bloodied during his “...” dialogue. It’s interesting that no one mentioned Lucio lunged for Nadia first, isn’t it? Of course, one can always say he sensed his incoming death, and only attacked in self-defense: this is a reasonable and valid argument. But he unquestionably moved first, and Nadia also killed him in self defense: hardly the cold-blooded murder I had expected going in. 

It is not Lucio’s death itself that struck me in the writing, but the aftermath. After he is dead, MC can respond with either “Why did you do that?!” or “He had it coming.” I chose the former, and the following is the transcript:

MC: “Why’d you do that?!”

My head is still spinning. Nadia just killed someone in front of me... and she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all.

NADIA: “We knew it would come to this, MC. I couldn’t risk him causing more chaos and destruction. He would have always remained a threat.”

She pauses, reaching out slowly toward me.

NADIA: “You understand, don’t you?”

I’m interpreting MC’s “Why’d you do that?!” as a horrified growing realization of how far Nadia has fallen. They were the primary influence over the course of 20 books in shaping Nadia this way, but the way Nadia kills Lucio really cements her fall from grace for them. And Nadia, when she “reach[es] out slowly�� toward MC, seems to know that MC has realized this. She says “You understand, don’t you?” — words that can easily be considered a plea.

You understand why I did what I did, don’t you? You understand I had no choice, don’t you? You understand there was no other way, don’t you? You understand I am not a monster, don’t you? You understand I do not want to lose you, don’t you?

I take a deep breath, still staring at where Lucio’s body was, then nod slowly. Nadia lets out a soft sigh of relief, and strokes my cheek affectionately.

NADIA: “Good. I couldn’t handle you turning from me, MC. It had to be done. I had no choice.”

Nadia already considers herself alone against the world. The MC is the closest thing she has to an ally; the MC is the closest thing she has to a confidant(e). Yet her anxieties and trust issues keep her from truly allowing MC to be as close as they are in her Upright route. This is seen as early as Book 9, when in the carriage ride (and immediately after discovering Portia’s betrayal), she wonders if MC will betray her, too, and whether she is destined to stand alone in the world. 

Over the course of the 11 books from Book 9 to Book 20, she has come to realize that if she loses MC, she is truly, truly alone in the world. Thus, her hesitation (“slowly”) to reach for MC. Thus, her blatant relief in MC staying with her. Thus, her admission that she would be unable to handle MC turning away from her.

Part 2: Becoming the Devil

In any heroic story, the hero must achieve a seemingly impossible feat: saving the world; defeating the unstoppable Big Bad; et cetera. Tragic heroes also seek to achieve impossible feats, but their “feats” straddle the line between good and evil, or their reasons — why they want to achieve the impossible heroic feat — are not grounded in conventional morality. Tragic heroes attempt to achieve their impossible feats, but their efforts, whether successful or not, always have catastrophic consequences.

Hamlet’s impossible feat is to avenge his father: his efforts to do so result in the deaths of his (debatable) love interest, his mother, his step-father, his friends, and himself. 

Solas in Dragon Age: Inquisition’s impossible feat was to stop the Evanuris: his efforts to do so created the Veil, stripping elves of their immortality and power, leaving them open to exploitation, enslavement, and death (and opening the way for him to undertake a second impossible feat: destroying the Veil to restore the elven people’s power). 

Clarke Griffin in the TV show The 100 had the impossible feat of saving her people from having their bone marrow harvested by Mount Weather: her efforts to do so saved her people, but killed hundreds of innocent people who had nothing to do with the cruelties inflicted on Clarke’s friends; gave her and another major character PTSD; and led to Clarke’s self-imposed exile from her people.

Nadia’s impossible feat is to defeat the Devil Arcana. 

Where in her Upright route she believes MC is powerful enough to bind the Devil’s powers, essentially limiting him to his own realm, in her Reversed route she does not believe this: she thinks it is too risky to MC’s safety, and she is unwilling to lose MC after they “nearly died binding Vlastomil.” Instead, she will replace the Devil Arcana herself, as it is the only way to guarantee that the Devil’s threat would end. 

VALERIUS: “It’s a terrible idea [to replace the Devil Arcana]. You want to be trapped here, forever?”

NADIA: “I see no other option. The Devil cannot be allowed to continue his machinations.”

THE HIEROPHANT: “Interesting. I hold no love for the current Devil. He oversteps his bounds. ... Yes. I believe you’d make a lovely Arcana. At the very least, you’d mind your own business.”

The Hierophant tarot is all about tradition, convention, authority, “staying within your own bounds.” The Devil’s attempt to escape his realm and merge the magical and mortal realms certainly disrupts the accepted status quo. If Nadia replaces the Devil, then the status quo is maintained (“at the very least, you’d mind your own business”). Of course the Hierophant is going to encourage her to do this.

VALERIUS: “And give up your own humanity in exchange! I’ve been there, Countess, it’s no way to live.”

Nadia shakes her head, looking out the window to the vineyard beyond.

Nadia looking out the window the vineyard beyond is not only a description but symbolic of her own reasoning. Her attention is diverted by looking out the window, so she is not fully attentive to what Valerius is saying. She is unwilling to look at, and thus give attention to, those who disagree with her; she has turned her face away from reason and disagreement.

NADIA: “What choice do I have, really?”

MC: “There’s always a choice!”

NADIA: “Not this time, MC. You’ve been with me through it all... but this last thing I must do alone. I won’t risk you.”

MC then has the choice to say “I’m with you” or say “I won’t risk YOU!” here. I chose the latter option for thematic relevance: MC is panicking, now, fully understanding what Nadia intends to do — and fully understanding that they might lose Nadia forever. They are trying to undo the damage they have done in the earlier parts of the route, but it is too late. Nadia’s heart has hardened.

MC: “I won’t risk YOU!”

NADIA: “MC... That’s my duty. As Countess of Vesuvia, as Princess of Prakra... as your lover. I will do what no one else can. I will drag this world, kicking, screaming, and ungrateful, to safety.”

Again, Nadia is the only one who can do this. She will drag this world “kicking, screaming, and ungrateful, to safety” — she knows she will not be thanked, or praised, but it is necessary. It is for their own good. Nadia knows best, and Nadia can only trust herself to get things done. 

MC: “We’re in this together, Nadia. I’m coming with you.”

NADIA: “You cannot follow me into the darkness, MC.”

(It should be noted that Kevin MacLeod’s “Wounded” is playing during this. This is the tragic piano that is also heard in Asra’s route on the Lazaret. I mention this because the tragic piano always fucks me up emotionally, so y’all have to suffer too.)

Nadia’s line — “You cannot follow me into the darkness” — is typical of a Tragic Hero who wishes to protect others, especially their love interest. Using my prior two examples from Dragon Age: Inquisition and The 100:

When a Lavellan Inquisitor who romanced Solas tells him, “let me help you, Solas,” Solas says: “I cannot do that to you, vhenan.” 

When Bellamy Blake asks Clarke to stay at her home, instead of impose self-exile, Clarke says: “I bear it so they [her people] don’t have to.”

The point of these kinds of statements is this: This terrible undertaking is my responsibility alone; only I can accomplish this impossible feat; I do not want you to be hurt; I would rather something happen to me than you.

But where the Tragic Hero usually succeeds in isolating themself from their love interest, MC inverts this aspect of the archetype: they convince Nadia to let them accompany her to the Devil’s realm. If MC had told Nadia in earlier books, “I’d follow you anywhere,” this is truly an echo of that sentiment: MC is willing to go to Hell for Nadia Satrinava. 

THE HIEROPHANT: “If you go down this path, you cannot hesitate. If you lose your nerve, he will come back. If you waver, he will see it. If you do this, you need to mean it.”

NADIA: “To keep the world safe. To keep MC safe... I’ll do anything. I won’t lose.”

It’s important to state Nadia does not want to become the Devil on her own merits. It’s not a power grab (at least, not consciously). She realizes it is dangerous. She genuinely sees no other option to end the Devil’s threat, and thus save the world, that does not risk harm to MC. As stated before, MC is the closest thing Nadia has to an ally: it makes sense she is unwilling to consider any options that have even the slightest chance of her losing MC. It makes sense that she is willing to do “anything” to keep MC safe.

She is constantly stating there is “no other choice,” even though the other characters (Valerius and the High Priestess) offer alternatives, namely binding the Devil in his own realm (what happens in the Upright end). It is not that she is not hearing these alternatives, or unwilling to listen to reason: it is that they are unacceptable to her, by virtue of the danger posed to MC. It is that [Solas voice] every alternative was worse. It is that [Solas voice] terrible choices are all that remain. If you have to kill Stranger A to save 100,000 lives, and someone offers Stranger B to kill instead of Stranger A, it is an unacceptable alternative.

An essential aspect of the Tragic Hero is colossal mistakes in judgement. In Nadia’s case, this would obviously be her decision to replace the Devil’s Arcana. But this has been reinforced to her over the course of 20 books through critical decisions made earlier in her route:

Not talking to Nadia’s sisters, which accomplishes two things: 1) reinforces to Nadia that you are on her side; 2) reinforces to Nadia that she is right to maintain her grudge against her sisters. Her first instinct is to resent her sisters. There is no challenge to Nadia to change her mind, or move past old hurts. She remains static, stubborn, and seeking to prove herself - not only to her sisters, but to herself.

Encouraging Nadia to cast out Portia, which reinforces to Nadia that she cannot trust, confide in, or believe others: she will always be betrayed. Nadia’s first instinct is to send Portia away. Agreeing with her reinforces that she is right to distrust everyone, and only believe in her own competence and ability. She remains static and closed off from others.

Encouraging Nadia to kill Lucio. Nadia’s first instinct is to kill him, as she sees “no other way”. MC agreeing with her reinforces to her that her decisions are best, and that sometimes there are no other choices, or at least [Solas voice] terrible choices are all that remain. She remains static and unchallenged in her viewpoint(s).

Part 2.1: Trusting Nadia

Nadia’s “betrayal” is framed as random, coming out of nowhere, and only for her own power. I was suspicious of this framing from the moment I saw it, because characters like Reversed Nadia — straddling the line between good and evil, isolated, pursuing their impossible feat — tend to place high priority on the people they love, to the point of over-protectiveness, obsession, and/or obsessive devotion. An excellent example would be Victor Fries/Dr. Freeze in the Batman comics, who is willing to commit evil acts in pursuance of his impossible feat to save his wife.

I never doubted Nadia’s love for MC, even in the reversed route. As stated before, Nadia thinks that MC is not like the others in her life, who are incompetent fools, or simpering power-seekers, or her detested sisters. They are unique. They are special. While she may not be able to trust them fully (again! everyone can betray her! she is the only one she can trust!), she certainly loves them for what they mean to her.

Working under the assumption that Nadia truly loves MC, then, following the precedents of other tragic characters who came before her, she would be utterly unwilling to allow any harm to come to MC. This would extend to her allegedly offering MC to the Devil without any remorse. I was more inclined to believe (even before I played the Reversed route) that it was some ruse of Nadia’s to trick the Devil.

And so imagine my surprise when Nadia and MC left the Hierophant’s realm to go to Nadia’s gate, and the book provided the following scene: 

NADIA: “I have a plan, MC. Lucio failed to defeat the Devil. But that does not mean it cannot be done. Unfortunately... I cannot risk telling you. I need your reaction to be genuine. Will you be loyal to me, MC? Will you trust I want what’s best for you?”

MC: “Yes.”

NADIA: “Good. Everything that happens is for you, do you understand? Promise me you’ll remember I’ll always keep you safe.”

Boy, it would’ve been nice if someone mentioned this when discussing Nadia selling out MC!

This is such obvious foreshadowing of Nadia playing the long con it’s painful. She cannot tell MC her plan about how to deal with the Devil, because she needs MC’s reaction to be genuine; she needs MC to be surprised. If the Devil realizes he is being played, everything is over, and her efforts will have been for nothing.

For Nadia, the stakes are high. She either:

Tells her lover what her plan is, i.e. to use MC as a bargaining chip, which could have backfire in multiple ways: MC could be uncooperative, or MC could play their part unconvincingly to the Devil, and tip him off. She might stay with MC, but risk the world.

Or, she withholds it from MC, so that their surprise and shock (and, yes, feelings of betrayal) are genuine, and thus more convincing to the Devil. She loses MC, but saves the world. 

Her decision is pragmatic: she will sacrifice MC, even if it means she loses MC’s love, for the greater good (saving the world). She understands that the healer has the bloodiest hands. She is accepting the blood to make things better. By choosing the second option, she is choosing to trust herself and her plan instead of trusting MC to pull off a successful deception. (In a similar vein: remember how much she enjoyed deceiving Valerius in Book 6, The Lovers.)

Still, she does not want to sacrifice MC, but sees no other way. It is painful, but for the greater good. Thus why she emphasizes why Her Decision Is Best, and In MC’s Best Interest: “Everything that happens is for you, do you understand? Promise me you’ll remember I’ll always keep you safe.”

You may be hurt, but it is for the greater good, don’t you understand? Don’t you trust me to do the right thing? Don’t you see that I have your best interests in mind? Don’t you see that you can trust me? That you should trust me?

She even goes so far as to test MC when MC promises her that they will know she’ll always keep MC safe. I call it a test, because that is what it undoubtedly is: she holds MC’s throat, and asks, “Even now?”

This is a lead-in for a premium scene, but it goes deeper than that. Implicitly, she is saying: Even when I have you so vulnerable, even with my hand around your throat, do you trust that I will keep you safe? Can I let myself believe you when you tell me that yes, you do trust me; that yes, you know I have your best interests at heart?

MC has the option of proving it to her (premium choice), or simply saying “yes”. I chose the latter. It is simple, and honest, and depending on people’s MCs, undoubtedly true. MC is willing to go to Hell at Nadia’s side; this is a minor thing, by comparison.

MC makes the interesting observation that Nadia looks at them “like a pet.” Sure, it could be a reference to Nadia’s obvious petplay kink, but I think it’s indicative of their deeper relationship: Nadia may love MC, but she does not consider them her true partner as she does in her Upright route. Again, she can only trust herself, no matter how important MC is to her, because MC, too, might end up disappointing her. They are lovers, and they are partners, but Nadia and MC are not equals (unlike in Upright). Nadia sees MC like a pet (to cherish, love, and care for, but not treat as equal) and I fully expect she will continue to do so in the next update.

Whether or not Nadia is aware that this isn’t the healthiest way to love someone is up in the air, but I’m inclined to believe that she is not aware, and she is demonstrating her love in the best way she knows how: protecting MC (which leads to making MC’s decisions for them), providing for them (which extends into petplay and spoiling), and praising them (you are special, you are unique, you are not like everyone else in my life, who disappoints me). 

Later, approaching the Devil’s realm, she reminds MC of the conversation they had in her gate:

MC: “You have a plan. One you can’t tell me about.”

NADIA: “Yes. And I need you to trust me for it to work. Do you still trust me?”

MC: “I do.”

NADIA: “Good. Remember that when we’re in there.” 

NADIA: “... I love you.”

(Edit March 22: Nadia’s sprite during her “I love you” line is her embarrassed/uncertain face. A subtle signal that she, too, has doubts, even if she’s trying to hide them.)

The whole point of the cliffhanger was to shock people, but I think that people who are saying that Nadia sold MC out for her own power are misguided. Nadia spent the entire book talking about how she had no choice but to do this and foreshadowing that she was going to do something that would be unpleasant but necessary. To say that Nadia sold MC to the Devil for her own power is to completely ignore everything that’s been set up throughout the book.

Also, if you still don’t trust her / consider her a bitch after I’ve gone through this whole section talking about how Reversed Nadia is a character type that would never let someone important to her (i.e., MC) come to harm (though she may use them for her own gains) and that it’s 99% likely she has no intention of actually following through on this “deal”... that says more about you than it does Nadia.

Part 2.2: The Dogs

The way the dogs were framed made me think that Nadia was straight up cruel to them. I thought the dogs were physically there, and Nadia was actually abusive to them (though I was inclined to believe it was neglect, not abuse. again, quibbling). 

Considering Nadia’s treatment of the cheetah, and even the vampire leeches, I should not have taken these accounts at face value, because they are flat-out misleading (at best!).

For context, Nadia and MC have left Nadia’s Gate to go to the Devil’s realm. The Hierophant has just warned them of a perilous journey. They leave the Hierophant’s realm, go to Nadia’s Gate where they have the discussion about trust, and then enter the frozen forest background. What happens is the following:

MC: “Where are we?”

NADIA: “There are many roads connecting the realms. Lost paths in the dark. The forest is an illusion. It is likely our minds cannot comprehend the true shape of these spaces. Instead, the world changes into metaphors we can understand. But you must remember they are only metaphors, MC. Keep your wits about you.”

We continue walking, wary of every strange noise that flickers off the narrow path we follow. Every step we take causes more fog to swirl from the ground, until we can barely see in front of us once more. I hear a snarl behind us, close enough that I can feel the breath. Without thinking, I turn around to face it —

Two figures emerge from the fog, their mouths dripping red. Mercedes and Melchior. Everywhere the blood from their mouths drips onto the ground, a cluster of flowers sprout. When I look closer, I realize... they’re all poisonous.

NADIA: “They must have gone mad with Lucio’s death.”

She tugs me closer behind her, but the dogs don’t try to approach. They just haunt our steps like specters, snarling and howling.

(Edit March 22: I just realized Nadia tugs MC closer behind her after seeing the dogs. She’s putting herself between MC and perceived danger, i.e. the dogs, further reinforcing her fear of losing MC and determination to protect them against anything. But sure, she doesn’t care about MC at all and is only using them for her own power.)

None of the posts I saw discussing Nadia’s treatment of the dogs ever mentioned that this happens in the magical realms, or that Nadia and MC discuss the forest’s visions being metaphorical immediately before the dogs’ appearance. Which is a shame, because it completely removes any context of the scene and does the double whammy of demonizing Nadia. 

I guess it’s easier and faster to type out “Nadia abused Mercedes and Melchior!” over “The magical forest in the Arcana realms manifested a bloody Mercedes and Melchior [whose sprites are their pomegranate juice sprites with a little bit of blood added] as a metaphor for the line that Nadia has crossed, i.e. killing Lucio, and the possible guilt that she is either not feeling at all or is feeling and is simply pushing away so she will not have to acknowledge it.” 

But the dogs’ mere presence — they follow always at a distance, like ghosts — is enough to force her to recognize it. She remarks that they must have gone mad, and moves on. She has come too far now to doubt herself. If she looks back, if she doubts herself, she is lost, and everything will have been for naught.

Part 2.3: The High Priestess

Leaving the icy forest, Nadia and MC come upon an old pavilion, where the High Priestess and Chandra await them. MC notes that “the dogs wait [behind us], never coming closer.” Further evidence that the dogs are metaphorical visions, not actually Mercedes & Melchior. 

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “You’ve strayed far from the path, child.”

NADIA: “High Priestess. What are you doing here?”

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “I was calling to you. Did you not hear?”

NADIA: “I have been quite busy, High Priestess. I did not have time to answer.”

Nadia’s personal card is The High Priestess. Reversed, the High Priestess means one is ignoring their own intuition and/or subconscious, to their detriment. In Asra’s Book X, Nadia states that her intuition is more like a curse than a gift, which certainly echoes here in the meaning of the High Priestess, Reversed: “Perhaps you doubt yourself or feel silly or guilty for listening to your intuition, and as a result, you deny your ability to tune in and receive this potent information.” 

This conversation also echoes Judgement, Reversed: “The Judgement reversed often appears when the Universe is trying to send you a message and invite you to something bigger, but you’re not listening. You are doing your best to pretend you didn’t receive it and are [...] hoping it will go away.”

The conversation continues:

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “And so I come to you. These are words you cannot ignore. If you continue down this path, Nadia, all will be lost to you. Your family. Your intuition. Your humanity.”

NADIA: “If I do nothing, I will lose it just the same.”

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “You know there is another option. You can bind the Devil instead.”

NADIA: “What, and lose MC instead? Slap the Devil on the wrist and throw him in jail? He’ll break free eventually. What’s a thousand years to an immortal being? This is the only way. The only permanent way.”

Note she corrects herself: the only permanent way. She understands there are other alternatives, but hers is best. When the High Priestess offers a solution, binding the Devil, Nadia angrily rejects it because of the risk it poses to MC, and she is unwilling to lose MC again.

It’s important to note that, within the course of a few hours:

Nadia went with MC to confront Lucio in the in-between realms, only to watch (helplessly! a thing she detests!) as Lucio stole MC’s body. (The Devil)

Nadia woke up without MC beside her in her Contemplation Tower, not knowing what Lucio had done or what had happened to MC until she went to the ballroom. (The Devil / The Tower).

Nadia had to send MC to the magical realms for their own protection, alone, where she could not protect them or ensure their welfare (The Tower).

Nadia watched MC struggle to unbind Vlastomil, suffering in the process. MC passes out, and reversed Nadia states that MC “almost died” unbinding Vlastomil (The Moon).

That is four experiences of Nadia being unwillingly parted from MC, either through separation or through a near death experience. That is why she refused to let MC go through the maze alone in The Star. That is why she is so set on not risking MC once again with the plan to bind the Devil. The scene continues:

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “In a thousand years there will be another like you to step up again. Why must you do everything yourself? Why must you alone fight this threat?”

NADIA: “Because I am the only one I can trust.”

Nadia turns away, anger flashing in her eyes.

NADIA: “You have wasted your time in coming here, High Priestess.”

me 24 hours ago, blissfully unaware of this conversation: mc has spent 20 chapters reinforcing that nadia is the only one nadia can trust me now: wow i hate being right :(

An essential component of the Tragic Hero’s cycle is the hero’s isolation: disgusted by or despairing of the hero’s choices, their family, friends, and allies abandon them, or the hero themself abandons their family, friends, and allies to self-isolate. In Nadia’s case, it is both. She rejects the High Priestess’s wisdom, confident in her own choices (or, at least, unwilling to show the High Priestess that she is anything but 100% confident). In doing so, she pushes the High Priestess away.

And then there’s Chandra, who lands on Nadia’s shoulder and “nips at her ear sadly.” (The tragic piano is still going strong in the background!) The High Priestess, seeing this, says that Chandra “mourns [Nadia’s] loss already.” MC notes that Nadia “swallows hard, stroking Chandra’s neck gently,” and then the following exchange happens:

NADIA: “Must I lose you too, Chandra?”

The owl chirps and flies off her shoulder, going to land next to the High Priestess instead.

NADIA: “... I see. You will come around in time. You will see how necessary this is. Until then... goodbye, my friends.”

Like the dogs, I’m inclined to believe that Chandra is a metaphor, and not the actual owl. Chandra has been with Nadia since her childhood; she is the only thing Nadia took with her, from Prakra to Vesuvia. Chandra abandoning her is another metaphor for how far Nadia has fallen: she is utterly separated from who she once was. She is now, completely, a new person, unrecognizable to her closest and longest friend.

NADIA: “I know I’m right. I know this is the only path to victory... So why won’t anyone listen to me? It feels like I’m speaking to a wall. Do they think me foolish? I’ve considered every possibility. I’ve examined every other avenue. This is the only course of action left. They think I cannot do this. They think me incompetent.”

This is after Nadia leaves the High Priestess, and before the Hierophant informs them that Valdemar and Vulgora are attacking the palace. Note the progression of her thoughts: frustration and certainty in her own decision; questioning why other people think her choice is the wrong one; re-affirming her certainty; assuming that people who do not support her plan are like that not because of any concern for her welfare, but because they doubt her capabilities. I know I am right, but no one listens to me; thus, they are not truly concerned for me — they only think I cannot do this. 

Implicitly, her thoughts that follow: Well, I am going to prove them wrong.

MC can either tell Nadia that they listen to her (to which Nadia praises MC, once again: You are special; you have always been by my side; I know I can trust you, unlike everyone else in the world), or that people who don’t listen are foolish. If the latter, Nadia agrees, saying that people who don’t listen to her end up not doing well, and cites Lucio as an example.

In either case, the exchange reinforces Nadia’s mindset, which has been shown through Nadia’s small vent: She feels as if no one is listening to her, and she is stubbornly convinced that her choice is the best one. She is frustrated that her friends and allies have turned against her, and she does not understand why, because clearly Her Choice Is Best. 

If MC says they are listening, it reinforces that MC is the only one Nadia can keep close (as close as she can allow; trust no one but yourself, after all, is her modus operandi). If MC says the others are the foolish ones, it reinforces that Nadia is Always Right, because when people don’t listen to Nadia, they end up going astray or being worse-off, which just feeds into the cycle of Nadia is Right >> People Who Don’t Listen To Her Are Wrong >> Those People Suffer or Fail >> Thus Proving Nadia Right.

Part 3: Her Sisters

For me, this was easily the most heartbreaking aspect of the book. Nadia leaves the High Priestess angry, and she and MC arrive in a vision of Lucio’s wing. Nadia remains unswayed, telling MC they must keep going (if she looks back, if she falters, she is lost!), but MC, if selecting “I think this is real,” convinces Nadia to go to the ballroom, because Nadia wonders about why her sisters and guards are not stopping the chaos. (Implied in this statement: Why are they incompetent? Why are they useless? Why does everything fall apart without me?) The music is played sped up and backwards, symbolic of how wrong things are without Nadia’s presence.

In the ballroom, MC and Nadia find Natiqa, Nasmira, and Nahara attempting to get the crowds to safety, but the crowd isn’t listening to the Satrinavas. Then Nafizah sees MC and Nadia, and the following absolutely gut-wrenching exchange occurs:

Suddenly Nafizah, who is standing off to the side of her sisters, turns her head and looks straight at us.

NAFIZAH: “Like looking through a mirror into the fog... Why are you so far from us, sister mine?”

NADIA: “You can see us? Of course you can. Why should I be surprised?”

NAFIZAH: “The others need you here. They flounder without your guidance.”

NADIA: “Need me? NEED ME?”

Nadia’s sprite when she says “Need me? NEED ME?” is not an angry sprite. It’s her laughing sprite. You can just hear the angry disbelief. NEED ME? What are you talking about? Immediately with her next line, her sprite transitions into anger.

NADIA: “Since when have any of you needed me for anything? Perfect Nafizah, always looking down your nose at me. All of you did!”

NAFIZAH: “We have only ever loved you, Nadia. As much as you have allowed. The people are in a panic. They will not listen to us. They do not respect us. You must return.”

NADIA: “I will not! All my life, none of you have ever listened to me! You always thought you knew best! I’m doing what has to be done. If I returned, it would give the true villain time to escape. I’m striking now. You will see. And don’t you dare die before I’ve proven myself.”

And don’t you dare die before I’ve proven myself. Holy shit. Cold, but understandable, when taken into the context surrounding Nadia’s relationship with her sisters.

The youngest of seven, Nadia has always felt inadequate to the rest of her sisters. That is clear even in the early route, when she worries that Nasmira will take MC away from her. She is obsessed with proving herself to her sisters. It’s why she married Lucio, to prove to her sisters that she could pull Vesuvia up by its bootstraps. Reversed, that obsession is maintained, and she has no reason to change because MC does not challenge her. 

When asking for her sisters for help in Book XIII Death, she blames the servants for the Masquerade troubles: “I have everything under control, of course. But the servants, they’ve made a mess of things.” It is not her fault that the Masquerade is not ready, it is the servants’; she has everything under control, she is perfectly adequate at hosting a party on such a grand scale. Do not blame me for these failures, sisters, blame others, it is they who are incompetent and untrustworthy, not me.

Now we have even more context for Nadia’s choice to replace the Devil. Not only does Nadia feel the need to achieve her impossible feat — defeating the Devil — for the sake of saving the world and her lover, but as the ultimate way to prove herself to her sisters. They can never consider her a vulnerable baby sister to be coddled and over-protected if she literally defeats the actual Devil.

In her Reversed route, she is still pressured to show both her sisters and herself that she is not the “baby” of the family, which she resents (see the bonus scene about Nadia’s birthday). Considering Nadia is the oldest of the cast, this is obviously a deep, deep wound that stretches back decades, if not her entire life. And MC’s choices did nothing to heal that wound, only keep it open.

Part 4: Wrap Up

Nadia in her Reversed route is a textbook tragic hero. She is a character of royalty (fulfilling antiquity’s requirement that tragic heroes be noble of some sort, because nobility’s fall is always more tragic than a commoner’s); she seeks to accomplish an impossible feat; she isolates herself from her allies, friends, and family; she has a fatal flaw, which is her hubris, aka her conviction that she is in the right no matter what. We have had 20 books of buildup leading to this: the climax of her negative character development. All that remains is the denouement (aka, defeating and replacing the Devil.)

I have every expectation that she will succeed in her impossible feat, but the consequences will be catastrophic. Perhaps she will have to (however unwillingly) isolate herself from MC forever. MC might even become the Fool Arcana to join her, but that is no guarantee that they could actually be together. The Arcana are meant to stay in their separate realms, after all.

The devs promised a bittersweet ending, or a tragic romance. Nadia’s route fulfills both, because the ending is focused on MC and their relationship to their LI, not necessarily the reader’s favorite character, which may hypothetically be a relatively minor antagonist relative to the rest of the route.

Part 5: Last Thoughts

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[bloodyangel-666]

Valerius x f! Apprentice

Hey,this is a first draft for Valerius from the Arcana game. In this,the Mc,who I named Zoe, was overstressed and a little company from Valerius will brighter her mood. This is pure fluff,Valerius being a sweet and soft cinnamon roll. ^^

Anyways,sorry for the grammar mistakes. My English is not very good and I will try my best in the future. If you spot any of them please don't hesitate to tell me so I can fix that.

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Another long day, filled with business at the palace. Consul Valerius was always busy. He had papers to sign,wine to drink,forced to participate at some boring administrative meetings, testing new brands of wine,trying so hard not to insult the servants,oh did I mentioned drinking wine? Anyway,he was busy. But in this evening things will change,because the oh so hated consul was going out for a walk in the garden. For anyone at the palace,that was something new. They also thinking he was either drunk or angry,because other way why should be walking in the garden in the dim light of the sunset? To tell you why,the Consul was concerned. He was thinking about the palace,Nadia and the people,about Vesuvia and the life itself, perhaps about everything at once.  You see,the bitter consul who was always annoyed by others,was in fact very careful with the world around him,understanding the cruelty of it. In fact,he was lost within his mind. Trying to find his place in a world so cold was hard,and even his soul became like ice,unable to summon sympathy for other people. But the walks in the garden weren't uncommon for him. Sometimes,he will sneak out of his room at night,with a bottle or two or four of wine in the garden,to breath the clean air and to clear his mind,alone,when no one was around to see him. And it was fine, really. But sometimes the lonely gets the best of him,and he starts drinking more than his limit,and start drowning himself in his own mind. However,in this evening something definitely will change.

Zoe,the magician,Asta apprentice,who was supposed to find Dr. Julian,or the true murderer of the Count,decided to have a walk in the garden too. Tired of the day that went by,she stripped herself of the elegant shoes that Nadia ordered her to wear,and sighed, relieved to be alone. She started to walk around, admiring the beauty of the nature and starting to look at it,as it really was. She hoped this will help with her stress,but life's not so easy. She stated to overthink things,as she always do,and losses herself and her attention, bumped right into someone. This snapped her back to reality,and too ashamed to look at the person,her black eyes were fixed on the ground,words of sorry and endless apologises escaping her mouth so fast that most of them were barely audible. But there were stopped by a firm hand on her shoulder and two words.

"Stop that." This voice was familiar. A little too familiar. The bitterness in the tone reminding her of someone, however this time the voice has something almost sweet and caring in it. Almost.

To satisfy her curiosity,she looked up and saw Valerius. He wears that frown and neutral expression as always,but this time,his eyes were amused.

"Stop apologising or I will have another headache." Oh so familiar sarcasm. And the smile. "In fact,I think you were just lost in thoughts,am I right?". And the grin. The "I know everything" grin.

"Uh,yeah...something like that." She shouldn't be so vulnerable,but she was still embrassed by her own mistake. "Sorry again,consul."

She sighed,too tired to care if she's making a fool of herself again. But Valerius expression softened instantly,and before he can stop,the words fall from his mouth.

"Would you like to talk about what's bothering you?"

The question seemed to surprise the both of them,and he immediately turned his head away,panick started to form in his mind. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Zoe,taken by surprise by his kind words,was just staring at him,mouth agape.

"I,uh,excuse me? I think I misunderstood you. Can you reaped the question?"

Now they were both confused. But for Valerius was already too late. He cannot back down from this. Well,he guessed he wouldn't be alone anymore by now.

"Do you want to talk about what's bothering you? You seem a little off..."

The soft laugh that escaped her lips was enough to embrassed the consul,and his insecurities started to form.

"Why consul? To gossip with the other courtiers about this later?"

The words were supposed to be a joke,and not to sound like that. The attitude of the consul changed instantly into something more dark and perhaps a little sad too?

"So this is what you think of me? Well,it's not a surprise, after all, everyone seem to think the same."

Surely a little sad. Now Zoe was regretting every word and the guilt stated to form in her guts.

"Valeri- Consul. I'm truly sorry. It was supposed to be a joke. Really." A little hum stopped her to continue for a moment,but she did it anyway. "And thank you. For trying to help. But you seem a little off to. Maybe you should speak about what's bothering you first."

Now was his time to look totally surprised by that. Eyes wide open staring at her,and for a moment,he looked exactly like a lost puppy. But then his composure was back.

"I'm fine. I wasn't the one to bump into someone." Even if the remark was supposed to sound like a bitter one, somehow it turned out soft and concerned, which surprised again the both of them. "So...are you going to talk about it?"

Zoe wanted to tell no,to scream or to run. But she didn't. She just sat there,eyes watering a little. She was overwhelmed with the stress. And even she shouldn't be complaining about it, she did in her mind, cursed the murderer,the Countess,herself and everyone else for expecting so much from her. She started a sentence,and then ended it with a little sob. This snapped Valerius out of his own track of thoughts and immediately pulled her in his arm. Well,if Zoe wasn't enough surprised by his actions by now,in this moment she truly was. She stopped crying just to look at him,and a small nod and a genius kind smile encouraged her to continue and to say what was so heavy for her heart. And she did, telling him everything. The embrace was ended soon after she started,but Valerius eyes never leaved her,the concern and interest showing in them. By the time she was done,both of them sat in a well welcomed silence,listening to the sound of water from the fountain,the breeze and the animals. When Valerius spoke again,the tone was soft,almost a whisper.

"It's normal to feel like that. You are in a new situation for you,alone,no one asking you if you are okay with this. And you are pretty young too, considered by others as a child-"

"I'm not a child,consul!"

Now this was supposed to be interesting.

"Oh? And then what are you?" A little playful smile developing at the corner of his lips,eyes shining with interested.

"A witch! A magician of Vesuvia." She said proudly, smiling too a little.

"Oh? So what a magician can do,dear Zoe?~" Now the grin was back,but was a kind and playful one,turning all of this in a game where both of them can win.

She did not move but closed her eyes,waiting. A little breeze surrounding them,and then a pale of wind blowing some leaves in the consul hair, ruining a bit of it. At first,Zoe started to laught when she opened her eyes. The sign in front and her was just too precious. But then she realised this was Valerius,and she wanted to apologize. But he stopped her mid track,starting to laugh himself of the situation.

"Oh my! You got me,magician." This was all it takes for both of them to snap into a loud and happy laugh, forgetting about the problems they had in that moment.

"I didn't know you are capable of this acts of caring, consul~" Her turn to tease him.

"Tell anyone about it and you will be dead." He said sternly,but then smiled. So he can have a soft heart too.

"Thank you, consul. It did really helped."

"Call me Valerius from now on,ok?"

With that,they sat in a relaxing silence, enjoy the nature and the company of each other, realising a little bit of company wasn't bad for any of them.

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So this was it. I hope you enjoyed and please tell me what you think about it. I will happy take constructive criticism and improve my stories in the future.

[aria-i-adagio]

Looks in Need of Sleep that Doesn’t Come

Fandom: The Arcana

Chapter Rating: Teen

Chapter playlist/suggested listening.  :)

Masterpost

In the street, I cast another minor glamour on Julian.  Anyone glancing at him will see someone barely taller than I am.  That should do well enough as a disguise, even if I do say so myself.  Julian speaks rapidly, gesticulating in  the air as he does, about how it’s been ages since he was on a stage, and it’s so exhilarating.  

“I don’t think anyone recognized me, not with the mask.  Oh that was - something else!  I’m still a foot in the meta realm, I swear!”

“Had fun?”

“Well, um.”  He runs a hand through his hair, momentarily displacing his eye patch.  He has it back in place before I can get a glance at any scars it might be hiding.  “I don’t know if fun is quite the right word.  It’s not, that is, I don’t remember killing Lucio.  What I said in there, on stage.  Ugh.”  He stops and takes my hands in his.  “Dema, are you hungry?  Let me buy you dinner.  At the Raven.  And then, darling mine, we do need to talk.”

When we enter the Raven, the barkeep looks up from drying glasses and smiles when he sees Julian.  “I thought you might be here tonight.  Set aside a back table for you, view of the door and a straight shot out through the kitchen.”

“Good of you, Barth.  I don’t suppose you’ve heard -”

He holds up a finger to warn off the question Julian is about to ask.  “I take a long view in business.  You're worth far more to me alive and drinking.  I'll make three times that reward off your tab before all is said and done."  A caw from the rafters indicates that there’s an additional lookout present again.  Barth chuckles.  “Besides, I hear a certain pirate queen has made it clear that anyone who collects that reward won't live long enough to enjoy it.”

Julian runs a hand through his hair.  “A certain pirate queen is supposed to be in retirement.”

Barth snorts dismissively.  “Go sit yourself down.  Wife’s made a pot roast for the dinner rush.  Usual drinks for the two of you?”

I set aside my own questions about how I have a usual drink in a tavern I've visited all of three times now, and follow Julian to the table Barth indicated.  The raven spirals down to his shoulder and preens his hair.  Julian lifts a hand and strokes the bird’s head.  “Thanks, Malak.”

“He has a name?”

“I couldn’t just keep calling him pest.  Would have been a bit rude.  He’s been following me around for years after all.  Comes and goes as he pleases but puts up with me.”  The bird grumbles and puffs up his feathers.  He launches himself off Julian’s shoulder as Barth approaches with two drinks.  Another nasty looking cocktail for Julian and a stein of the dark beer that appears to be my historically favored drink.  Julian nods his thanks as the man retreats behind his counter.  

Julian swallows most of his cocktail in a single gulp, and I take a sip of my beer.  “I wish I knew why Nadia suddenly decided to offer a bounty.”

“I want to know why I’m only valuable alive.  I mean, uh, if she’s just going to hang me.”

“That’s her plan to start the masquerade.”

Julian chokes and not, I suspect, solely from disgusting combination of liquors in his beverage.  “What?  That doesn’t sound like her.  Not at all.  She hated public executions.  Specifically Lucio’s taste for gladiatorial combat, but she didn't care from carrying out any punishment publicly.  Barbaric.  Or so she called it back then."  

"Did you know her?  Before."

"The Countess?"  He pauses and frowns, drawing out his response.  "Yes.  Better than most, I suppose."

"What's your opinion of her?”

"Nadia?"  His lips curve into a fond smile, devoid of any irony.  "Oh, if she really believes I murdered Lucio, she'll hang me alright.  Nothing personal.  Just getting things done.  She likes getting things done.  And she's clever - very, very clever.  She almost had a way figured out the rework the aqueduct system and bring in water from higher in the mountains.  We, um, thought it might have been pure, free from the plague's taint.  I was helping some.  Checking her calculations mostly, not that she needed me too.  But it's hard to do much of anything with Lucio in the way."

"Would she have removed him herself?”

Julian guess silent and gnaws on his bottom lip.  He looks distressed at the idea.  "I, well, I'll admit I could see her taking matters into her own hands.  But I can't see her pinning it on someone else.  Not unless she knew for a fact that they had done something they should swing for.  Maybe not even then."

We’re interrupted by the appearance of Barth’s wife who slides a plate in front of each of us and ruffles Julian’s hair warmly before disappearing again.  Reward or no, I get the feeling that Julian is perfectly safe within this establishment.  Probably most of the city.  

"I don’t know,” Julian continues with a sigh.  “Maybe Valerius got frustrated and posted the reward."  He holds his drink with his pinky extended and fixes his features into a perfect mimicry of the Consul's unimpressed and pretentious expression, matching it with Valerius's overly measured intonation.  "Countess, card tricks and crystal balls are not acceptable methods of investigation."

I laugh at his impression then fold my hands beneath my chin and smirk across the table.  "Ah, but, Valerius doesn't think you're the culprit."

Julian rubs at the back of his left hand and raises his eyebrows in surprise.  "Bit late for that, don't you think."  He shrugs, a surprisingly good natured grin spreading across his face, as he picks up fork and pokes at his food.  "Eh, I'll cut him some slack.  The circumstantial evidence was not and is not in my favor.  And he was, um, a bit distraught at the time.  Understandable, really.  Given that Lucio was burning alive in front of him."

"He and Lucio . . .?"

"Yes.  Very much, yes.  As much as Valerius hated to admit it.  But he, uh, he really doesn't think that I'm the culprit now?"

"I think his words were something along the line of not able to willingly hurt a person."

"Hmm, that's kinder than what I would have expected from him.  Valerius is the only person involved that I'm pretty sure didn't do it."

"He told me something interesting about you."

Julian’s eyebrows lift.  "Oh did he now?”

"He said that you knew Lucio longer and better than most.  Better than the Countess.”

"Well, I've known Lucio longer than he's been Lucio.  How well I know him . . . I suppose he wasn't that hard of a man to know, if you're only willing to pay attention."

"Attention?"

"Yeah.  People thought he wanted all eyes on him.  He thought he wanted all eyes on him.  He didn't.  All that flash and bang?  Just something to hide behind.  And very, very few people looked behind it.  He never wanted to look behind it.  But perhaps that isn’t so odd.  It’s a terrifying thing.  Looking at your actual self."  He pushes his food around the plate.  “But enough of that.  Lucio is dead.  That much, at least, seems to be a fact.  Whatever else anyone did or didn’t do.”

“What about Valdemar?”

Julian’s entire body stiffens at that name.  The muscles in his jaw twitch and his drops his fork.  "Yes.  How do you -?”

"I've met them."

"You've met them?"  His eyes widen and he leans across the table, bringing his face closer to mine.  "Are you alright?  They're - they're the kind of person I want to keep you away from."

I ignore his protests.  "Valerius told me they were the head of research during the plague."

"If you can call that research."  He’s somehow managed to go even paler.

"Julian, what happened?”

"Don't want to think too much about it."  He taps his forehead.  "If I think about it, I might remember it."

“Julian!  I need you to remember something.”

“No.”  He covers his face with his hands.  “You need to be far away from this.  From me.  You’re only going to get hurt.”

“I’m involved already!”

He groans and looks at me through his fingers.  “This is a nightmare.”

I wrap my fingers around his wrists.  “It doesn’t have to be.”

“Dema.”  His eyebrows are knitted together in pain.  “We have to - I can’t - that is, I want.  Ugh.”  He pulls his hands free of mine and stands before fishing a couple of coins from his sash and dropping them on the table.  His appetite having clearly fled at the mention of Valdemar.  “Walk with me.”

Outside the light is dim enough that I don’t bother to cast any glamour on Julian.  Besides, this neighborhood doesn’t seem to be in any rush to turn him over to the palace guard.  He loops a long arm around my waist, matching his much longer paces carefully to mine and leads me through a maze of ever narrower streets.  He silent as we walk, and I say nothing.  It’s clear enough where his thoughts are heading, and I haven’t figured out how to stop them yet. For a moment, I think that we’re headed for the docks, but he turns sharply onto a tiny path that leads up a rocky outcropping.  He pauses at the top and carefully checks between two rock formations before extending his hand to me again.  “Path’s still here.  My memories of the plague are confused, but it was bad.”  He starts rambling as we pick our way down the narrow path.  “Really bad.  They’d closed down the port, so the plague couldn’t get out, but that also meant there wasn’t anything getting in.  Medicine.  Food.  You might hear people grousing about the palace being drunk while the city was starving, but to be honest, that’s because the wine cellar there ran deeper than the larder.  But Maz could always get things in.  Only real supply line I had.  Used to meet her at this cove when the moon was dark.  At lot like tonight.  Came here to think too, sometimes.  When I needed real quiet.”

The stars in the sky seem more brilliant with the majority of the city lights blocked.  With no sound other than the crashing waves, it would be a good place to think.  I sit down in the sand, knees pulled up against my chest.  Julian settles behind me, legs on either side of mine.  He wraps his arms around me and tucks his chin over the top of my head.  To the north, I can just barely see the torches lighting the city docks, but here the only illumination is faint glow from the waxing moon. 

"We can't keep this up.  The longer you're around me the more danger you're in."

"I don't feel like I'm in danger."  Sitting here with Julian's back warm against my chest and his arms caging me, I feel like the pieces of my world are falling back into place, despite everything outside seeming to fall apart.     

Julian sighs heavily and pulls me even tighter to him.  “I don’t actually want to, I really don’t want to end this.”

“Then don’t.”

“I’m a disaster about to happen, Dema, and I don’t want that disaster to happen to you too.  I’ve done the calculations. Run through every possible scenario, over and over.  There’s only one way I see this whole thing playing out, and it’s not a happy ending, trust me.  Isn’t it best to cut things off at the pass - to spare you the trouble of a tragic ending.”  His body tenses up more than it already, curling around me in defiance of his words.

His words remind me of Asra.  Asra leaving me behind again and again, forever protesting that wherever he's going is too dangerous for me or protesting that if he answers my questions, I'll only be hurt.  That he can't stand to take that chance.  My temper flares.  I twist out of Julian's embrace, turning to glare at him.  “Shouldn’t I have some say in how much trouble and tragedy I can manage?”

His gaze is forlorn.  “I just, I just can’t let you subject yourself to the damage that I can do.  That I will do.”

“You’re insufferable.”  I scramble to my feet with a hiss and start back for the narrow path up the cliff.

Julian waits until we're reached the top before speaking again.  "I'd, um, rather you be angry at me and alive than dead."

"I'm not going to stop trying to prove to the Countess that you're innocent."

"Don't.  Please.  Just keep your head down.  Tell Nadia you've decided not to help her."   Julian is a dark silhouette against the night sky.  His shoulders are hunched, suggesting that he wants nothing more than to disappear into the ocean beneath us.  “I’ll, um, walk you back to your shop.  If you want, that is, but I’d feel better about it if you let me.”

I start for the shop without waiting for him.  He walks behind me, then beside me, like he can’t figure out where he actually should be, where he is allowed to be now.  At a torch lit corner he grabs my hand, pulling me to a stop.  “I, I, this, this will drive me mad, knowing you’re there, no, you’re here.  But it’s for the best, I’ll only end up hurting you.”  He looks away from me. “Worse, that is.”

“I’m not afraid of pain.”

“I’m only trying to protect you.”

“I don’t need to be protected.”

“It’s all I can offer you!”  He tugs at his hair in frustration.  “I’m not a good man, Dema.  The things I’ve done... I must have done something unforgivable.  Where else does this ache pit in my stomach come from?”

“Probably from not eating enough and drinking too much.”  I intend for the comment to be snarky, but it comes out sounding concerned instead.  I reach up and touch his face.  He leans into my palm before snapping upright and away from my hand.

“I won’t, that is, don’t, you shouldn’t come down this path with me.  You deserve better than that.”  His expression is entirely forlorn.  The urge to pull him into an embrace is as strong as my desire to shove him into the wall.  We’ve been at this impasse before, in some past that we’ve both forgotten.

“Do you want me, Julian?”

“That’s a strange question, isn’t it?”

“I’m a fortune teller, Julian.  I can sense when there is meaning beneath the words actually spoken.”

“I . . . ”  He pulls back from my touch as if it burns him, and for a moment, I am afraid that he will run away.  “I want you to be safe.  I want you to stay out of this whole mess.  I want . . .  It doesn’t matter what I want.  I stole a night or two from time, with you.  And I’m scared to press my luck any further.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Tenacious, aren’t you?  It’s one of the things I like about you.  You’re like this great bright light, drawing me towards you.  I just can’t help myself.”  A moth to the flame, ever headed toward destruction.  What happened to make him think that life would always end in tragedy?  I’m working through the implications of his comparison, when he admits, softly,  “I want you.  I know it's only been a short time, but I feel like I’ve known you for years.  Is it because you put me at ease?  That’s hard to do.”  

I feel a strange reassurance from his words.  If we both feel that this has been longer than it actually has, more than two nights of frivolous debauchery, perhaps there was some connection in the past, perhaps something to be had in the future. 

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” he continues.  “That’s the problem.  I’m torn in two, Dema.  My brain tells me to leave, but my heart wants to stay.”  He looks up, staring at the torch then at the moon beyond it.  “If I think about it . . . I can see the path our story would take.  So why?”  He slumps against the wall, then grabs my hand and pulls me toward him, wrapping me into his ridiculous overcoat.  “Are you cold? You must be cold?”  It’s a warm night, and I’m not cold at all, but I humor his aside.  Besides, I want the closeness, his hand around my shoulders and the comfort it entails.  “If I walk away from you now, will I stay away?  If I drop my guard, will I find myself walking right back to you?  That’s what makes me selfish.  Because whatever we could have, whatever possibilities they’ll only lead to ruin.  That’s the kind of man I am.  Even if you prove I'm innocent.  There’s no future for us that doesn’t end in pain for you.”

“What future do you want?”

“I’ve told you, it doesn’t matter what I want.”

“Can’t you see anything but tragedy?”

“It’s what will happen.  In this world, we don’t get what we want.  Why waste time imagining something you can’t have?  I don’t dare hope.  It just makes it hurt more when you don’t get it.”

“. . . Try.  Please.  For me.”  I hate how pitiful my voice sounds.

He laughs darkly.  “What do you want to hear from me?  That I want a future? That I want to live?  That I want something with you?”  He pulls away from and begins to pace in the torchlight.  “Right now - right now, I do.  And with you, perhaps always something with you.  But you don’t understand, I try to run from it.  This darkness that has always surrounded me.  Always convincing myself that if I'm just quick enough, if I can just do something - anything - to merit an escape, it won't catch me again.  But always, always the darkness returns and, and the despair that comes with it, and maybe you won’t be enough then for me to still want this life.  We could run, like you said, but it'll hound me to the other end of the world, even if it doesn't catch me here.”  His voice trails off as he steps outside of the circle of light.  I follow him, hand outstretched, but not touching him, not yet.  He draws his hands up, shielding his face from my gaze.  “I can see a future with you when I close my eyes, but I know that it’s an illusion, that fate will overpower anything bright.  And maybe you as well.  So, if I end it now, you’ll survive, Dema.  You were fine before I got here.  You’ll be fine after I’ve left.”  He shakes his head and pauses, breathing deliberately for a moment.  The pathos in his voice, when he talks about ending it, ending it now scares me.  I want to believe he's only speaking ending whatever there is between us, but . . .

"Julian -”

He catches my hand in his, cutting off anything I might say.  “Please, Dema, let me walk you home now.”

I clutch his hand tight in mine for the few remaining blocks back to the shop.  He leaves me at the door with a hesitant, melancholy kiss to each of my cheeks.  “Believe me, Dema.  If I had what I wanted . . . You’re the first person to make me want a future in a long time, but I know . . .”  His voice trails off miserably.  “Be well, my dear.”

He disappears before I collect myself enough to lodge another protest.  I lean against the door, trying to collect myself, matter the tears that I want to cry - that I also do not want to cry.  When I finally push open the door, the shop is filled with light and smells like cinnamon and green tea.  Asra has returned.  He climbs down the stairwell a moment later, fluffy hair glowing in the candlelight like a halo, and embraces me.

“Back from your jaunt at the palace?  Welcome home.”  He looks at my face then steps back, eyebrows knitting in concern.  “I recognize that look.  What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”  I am decidedly not fine, and I want a bath.  I step past him and head up the stairs.  In the kitchen, I drag out our shallow tub and fill it with water from the pump.  Hands hovering over the surface heating the water through.  Clothes tossed to the side, I climb in, dunk my head under to rinse out my hair, and sink as far down as I can.

I lose track of time, and how many times I’ve used my magic to reheat the water.  Asra eventually coaxes me out, wraps me in a fluffy robe, and forces me to drink a glass of water before letting me collapse into bed.  I may complain about Asra’s lack of personal boundaries.  It’s a lie.  I love that I can count on him to know what’s on my mind, and what I need to ease it.  At least, that is, when he’s here.  But he’s here right now.  Finally, without rolling over to face him, I talk.

I tell him the whole story in starts and stops, voice cracking as I try to keep myself from bursting into tears.  The mattress sinks with Asra’s slight weight as he lays down beside me and hesitantly puts a hand on my shoulder.

“That sounds like Ilya.” He’s quiet for a moment.  “The only things he loves more than drama is his own suffering.  And he’s determined to chase both.”  His voice is uncharacteristically bitter when he speaks.  A witch afraid of commitment and a man more comfortable with suffering than without it.  And me caught between whispers of the forgotten and murmurs of the yet unknown.  How crooked and confused!  All the moreso because everytime I think I’ve unraveled part of it, the thread is taken from me again, lost in a maze of migraines and confused thoughts.  

I roll over.  I want to be able to see Asra before I ask the next question on my mind.  He’s lying on his side, Faust coiled up on his hip, watching me with those gentle eyes.  But Asra could make it less crooked, less confused.  If he chose to.  “I feel like I’ve known him a lot longer than a few days.  Just like I feel - know - I’ve known you longer than I can remember.”  After all, Julian and Asra were even involved at some point in the past, it stands to reason that I knew him at the time.  “Did I know him?  Before?”  Even as I ask the question I can feel a headache starting to stab behind my eyes.  I do my best to hide it from Asra concerned that he won’t answer my question if he knows one of my headaches is already beginning.

Asra reaches out and strokes my hair.  He frowns, looks away, then meets my eyes again.  “Yes. You knew each other.”

“Why doesn’t he remember me?”  I sit up in bed and pull my knees to my chest.  “Asra, Julian doesn’t remember the night the count died either.  And Nadia is missing years.”  The headache stabs through my temples; I gasp, unable to disguise the pain any longer.  Asra sits beside and begins to massage my scalp.  The headache starts to dissipate, pushed away by his fingers, cool like water.   For a moment I can hear a gentle splashing, like the fountain in the garden.  The fountain that I had tried to reach Asra from the other night, only to wake with one of his scarves folded under my head.  This has happened before.  I’ll get a hint of my past, some memory trying to push its way back into my consciousness.  And then a headache, excruciating, too much to stand, or so I’ve thought in the past.  But Asra is always there, with his cool hands, and his magic, and the pain fades, but with it goes the whispers of things forgotten.

I jerk away from his touch and grab his hand.  “Asra?”  His eyes flick away from mine.  Faust slides from him to me, coiling around my shoulders with a reassuring squeeze.     

"The fountain!  The other night.  I did contact you and - what the hell did you do, Asra?"

"Dema, I'm so sorry.  I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"Losing you again.  You getting lost - trapped - in a memory that is trying to fight back."

"What do you mean?”

"Sometimes, it's as if you retreat so far into yourself when you follow a memory that you're lost.  You don't speak.  You don't seem to hear.  I tried to tell you everything once and it was -”  His voice cracks.  “It was too much.  You stayed like that for days once,  not talking, looking at nothing, until -"

"Until what?"

"I, um, I figured out how to, how to make you forget again.  Dema, I'm so sorry.  It's awful.  Everything is wrong, and nothing is right, and it's all my fault.  I never -"

“Don’t take anything else away from me, Asra.  Not again."  

"I . . . I won’t.”  He sighs heavily.  “But I can’t tell you everything you want to know. What if it’s too much for you? I can’t take the chance that this time you don’t come back from it.”

Trying to hold back frustrated tears, I slump back into the pillows. “I want to remember.  To know, at least!  Why are you the only one to remember anything from that time?”

He lies back down beside me.  “I’m so sorry, my love.  I wish I could tell you everything.”

It takes a moment for his endearment to sink in.  My love.  He’s never called me that before and the implications aren’t ones I want to dwell on.  What else, who else have I forgotten?  Why should Asra be the keeper of my past?  It’s infuriating, even if the stabbing pain in my head reminds me that there are reasons behind his refusal.

“What should I do?”  I ask, because how can I possibly decide when I don’t have all the information.

“What do you want to do?”  Asra asks.  I contemplate socking Asra with a pillow, but he continues before I work up enough energy to do so.  “You want to go after him, right?  I can’t stop you.  I just . . . I want you to be careful.”

“Why did you call me 'my love’ just now?”  When the question leaves my mouth, Asra's breath catches.  I push myself up, weight resting on one arm so that I can see his face.  He averts his eyes and brings one hand to his chest, resting it over his heart. I almost feel bad for doing so, but I press him anyway.  “What was I to you? Before.”

“We . . . We were lovers.”

As he says the words, icy talons stab through my temples, creep to the base of my skull, and trace a line of white, hot fire down my back.  I cry out from the sudden pain and collapse against Asra’s chest.  Half formed images of Asra - almost but not quite memories - rush through my mind and are gone again.  A house is a desert.  Asra laughing.  Tangled in bedsheets with sweat beading along his back.  

“Dema!”  Asra’s voice is frantic as he calls my name.  I'm dimly aware of his hands on my arms, but he sounds far away.  Always so far away.  “Dema, please, stay with me, please.” The ringing in my ears grows into the roar of a fire before darkness overtakes me.

When I come back to myself, there's a damp towel pressed over my eyes.  But the memory is still there.  Asra kept his promise.  The headache is in retreat for the time being, a weight curled at the base of my skull to remind me that it can return at any time.  Asra is asleep in an armchair beside the bed with Faust in his lap.  Even asleep, his eyebrows knit together in worry.

We - Asra and I - were lovers?  It makes sense in a way.  His face, lined with concern, is the first thing I remember when I woke three years ago.  His voice talked me through the fiery, all-day consuming pain that I was in until it subsided into migraines and nightmares.  I'd never questioned why we shared the rooms above the shop and slept in this single bed; it had been natural.

But why had he never told me? In all the nights we'd snuggled together he's never done more than kiss my forehead.  He'd never said a word about any of the bad or worse relationships I'd gotten into and out of over the past year or so, since I'd begun trying to prove to myself that I wasn't just a fragile porcelain doll.  What a tangled mess, and Asra was intent on carrying the weight of it on his own.

Oh, Asra.  I reached out and pushed his curls back from his face.  He sighed in his sleep and leaned his hand into my hand.  So, we loved each other once.  He and Julian were involved once. Julian and I knew each other once.  And Asra alone knows what Julian and I may have been to each other.  When I don't even know if I'm the same person Asra loved and Julian knew?  What now? 

Faust sleepily coils herself around my arm, moving from Asra’s lap to the pillow beside my head.  Her tongue brushes softly over my cheek.  “Friend okay?”

“We can pretend.”  She bops her nose against mine before settling back to sleep.  With a sigh, I follow her lead.  

Next Chapter

Masterpost

A/N: Chapter title from Depeche Mode, ‘Barrel of a Gun.’