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zero-violence · 3 years

Text

So I guess I’m writing this because if Jon deserves closure from me I sure as fuck deserve closure from you. Please bare with me since I’ve seem to have lost the ability to write coherently. Don’t worry I’m only passing this single note to you and no one else and would prefer you not share it.

(each marked break represents a day in which I wrote here. This took awhile to put together.)

***

I wrote something here about myself. Personal information about my past that I wanted to share with you. But I deleted it. I never delete or edit or change or even rewrite things that I write. I wanted them to exist as written like paint on the canvas. Every mistake part of the greater art I had made. But you taught me something. Something I didn’t know could happen. You taught me that my words could be misheard. Could be changed and twisted to what someone else wanted. They could turn my words upside down and whiteout every thing in between. They could burn away my words. Reach into my chest and squeeze my heart from the words I put on this page.

I’m deleting the words about myself and my life. I don’t trust them with you anymore. I don’t know what you mite cut away to fit your own selfish needs.

(deleted)

***

You said it was something that always happened to her and she hated it.

You said don’t do it.

You said lay off.

I never listened to you like I should of.

I keep falling back and forth between this whole.

I had to find out on my own. I had to make my own choices.

And.

I should of buried myself deep and pretended there was nothing wrong with me and kept my friends a little longer.

Honestly.

The most honest way to word it.

I wanted... I want to

I want to hurt myself so desperately so you would never have to.

I’m going to be writing this over a long period of time and my laptop crashes a lot. I don’t know if I ever really plan on sending this to you or not. I don’t know why i want to send this to you. I mean I wanted to write a suicide letter but this seemed more productive to be honest.

Rather punch life in the face than admit defeat.

I don’t blame you for not caring as much as I did. From my side you were my longest lasting friend who was closest to me. From your side I was just friend number like 56. Just another video game guy. Just another weird person. Just another one.....My biggest regret are all the words I said during the end that you seemed to ignore. I did love you. I genuinely loved you so fucking much. I couldn’t imagine a week going by without hanging out with you. I know you had other friends and a job and a life. But but but I’m not sure right now I have to sleep soon and my emotions have been punching me in the chest all weekend. Till another day i guess.

***

I wasn’t going to write here today but someone said you were happy now and I was happy for you. I’ll try and remember this whenever I get mad at you.

***

Hi, its me again. This is turning into some kind of journal entry at this point and I’m not really sure anymore if I’m going to sneak this to you or not. I mean its going to expose my name change which is probably already known. But,. No Its going to expose anything else. I don’t even know if you’ll read down this far let alone read beyond this page and take a look what's behind the curtain. I personally wouldn’t do that its a dark place.

I have all this anger in me directed at you but if these are my last words I really don’t want them to be that way.

Maybe I’m wrong.

I mean wrong is something you know really well.. Sorry, I couldn’t segway this very well into the next point of my writing.

You told me Jon would never chase after me. Its not the kind of person he is. Jon turned up one night and demanded closure. Maybe we were closer than you said we were. We talked but I gently pushed him away like everyone else. I don’t want you to hate them because there talking to me. I don’t want you to get upset or angry. I whole heartedly mean this. I know these people want to be friends with you and her. I don’t want to ruin that for them. I unfriended, blocked, and deleted them for you. I don’t want them to lose you like I did. Its not been a good time.

You told me she wouldn’t just let me go. She would chase and cling onto me. That I couldn’t just walk away. You were wrong. She let go and pushed away. It was really that easy. I don’t know how you got both of these wrong.

You said I would be ok.

I’m not.

I’m not at all ok.

Sometimes I wonder if you can’t fathom or comprehend or even sympathize these feelings. I get that you haven’t had many bad things happen to you. But when someone says they love you why can’t you understand. I know who popped into your head just now. Because it wasn’t me. I honestly don’t think you heard me each time I said it.

My own mother would be jealous of you.

I never say those words to people.

People say them to me and I always reply back with.

“I love me too”.

If not also

“Yeah I’m pretty great”.

I used to call it self love because self love was the only love I had.

The above statements mite be confusing but I’m not here to dip into my relationship with my family right now.

I’m just here to talk at this wall in front me trying desperately to reach the other side of it, I’ve been using the word desperately a lot lately. I am very obviously desperate. Desperate to live. Desperate to exist. Desperate to avoid an end by my own hands.

I have this deep deep deep hatred for the end of all this. I don’t believe, well anything anymore. I don’t believe your tears or sadness. Just a façade to make her not angry at you. It would never happen again because you would never let me back again. You had won. I was gone. And she stopped being angry at you one tear at a time. It must of been easy to get better knowing you would never have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Promise that you would never do it again.

What a fucking empty fucking promise.

Do you smile every day? Laugh even? Enjoy life with others?

It must be nice to not be alone.

It didn’t cost you much did it.

***

Its like venting. I really doubt that I’ll ever give this to you. Just somedays. Ok like every day. I miss you a lot. I hate how it ended. This is the part of me that wants to grab the knife and stab myself while I smile back at you. Its ok don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt that much. I always wanted one of these. Only my best friend would know I always wanted this. And usually around this point I can collapse into a fit of tears. I’m probably going to lay down and just fall apart as a person. I do that from time to time. Day to day. Don’t worry too much about it. At least times like this all this loneliness fades to the background and I’m left with the crippling pain of everyone being gone. And everything is just a a void a blur a just constant dark room with the lights off and laying in bed so long it hurt and I can’t even fall asleep anymore. I mean it got really bad. I had to force myself to goto my doctors appointment. I don’t know a lot of people are worried about me and I barely even show whats wrong with me and there just extremely worried about me. Which worries me what would happen if I actually showed how I was to them.

Sorry I’m just not not good right now. I’m sorry. I should stop talking before I start apologizing non stop till im crying. im sorry.

***

I keep having this constant thought today. That maybe your a nice people. And you removed a negative from me hoping it would create a positive. And it just left this neutral area. Like just because what’s pulling me down goes away doesn’t mean I suddenly go up or even eventually go up. I just stay where it left me. All the way down here. The same horrible place I was in a month ago. Existing at the edge of wishing it was worse so I could have an excuse to die.

***

“ Anybody can look at you. It's quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see. “

***

I want to drown

***

I’ve thought about this. I still want to drown.

***

I don’t know in what world you think its ok to just hurt someone. And that walking away from the problem you helped make will just go away because you can’t see it anymore. Someone loves you and your just this horrible human being. You didn’t just take yourself away you took everyone around you away. And left this person. Left me all alone. This isn’t how you take responsibility. This isn’t how you heal. This isn’t how you overcome. This isn’t how fix what is broken. You don’t throw it outside and hope it goes away. Its fucking burned against my skin. I’m screaming where no one can hear me. And I’m just non existent to you. I’m dead. I went off to the farm where I’ll be happy with a whole new group of friends. Right? Life will go on. Right? Sometimes I take the knife out and think about it. So many choices. I could finish it far better than you. Just a slit across my neck. And I would truly be gone. Never a worry in your life again. I could just put it back in my chest so much more painfully than you. But at times like this. Days like this. I think about removing it from my own chest. And gently setting it back where it belongs. Right back in you. I really don’t deserve this pain from you. But I think you do. I hope the lies pile up. I hope your twisted emotions pile up. I hope the fear and doubt you placed in everyone piles up. I hope you end up in this same place you put me. All alone. With a knife in your chest. And you don’t know what to do with it. And you scream. You yell for help. And it only echoes back at you. And all you ever loved is removed from your life. Because you couldn’t overcome something that seemed so small to you. But bigger than this world to everyone else. I hope it hurts deeply. I hope it hurts too much. I hope its the last thing will ever share together.

This is funny to me. Because I know your not that deep of a person to be hurt that way. And even if this happened. You would be too blind to it to even notice. And the people around you would never stab you like that. Just let you exist in vague little bit of grey life. Pretending to share in that empty happiness that you have. Pretending its real. Because they don’t know any better. And there too afraid to find out if its real or not.

Enjoy the happiness you find on the back of all this pain. I just want you to know you lied. And you’ll never be capable of telling the truth. There just words you say to make them not angry at you. Because that’s the only way you could make them happy. Or not mad at you. I think the guilt of them being angry hurt you more than you taking away the happiness. I think you only thought about your own happiness when you promised you would never do this to her again.

I think we confused you being a happy person with you being a selfish person. There not one in the same. You just suck up everyone else’s happiness around you. And enjoy life putting everyone else’s needs below your own. Even if you think I’m wrong. You’ll just be lying. But only for a little bit. Because you’ll stop caring shortly and not even bother with lying. Letting the problem drift away pretending its been solved because its gone. Forgetting so much that you won’t even know its on the back of everyone's mind when they think of you, interact with you, and talk to you.

That you mite hurt them too.

So no one will ever push too hard on you.

And you’ll never experience a deep closeness with someone ever again.

Handling you gently. In case you throw a tantrum and decide they aren’t allowed in your life anymore.

I don’t want this knife anymore I think.

Please take it back.

***

Man, I feel guilty thinking about her as a friend the same way people feel guilty talking to me once because of you. Can’t even think about people we care about without the guilt that you mite get upset about it.

***

I really doubt you’ll do this or care or feel some deep yearning to be a better person. But I know other people have a little bit more humanity within them than you.

But if you feel some greater sense of self and feel she needs to hear something from me Just let her read this.

“Don't worry soon ill be someone you cant remember and I'll forget you easily. Ill disappear and ill never exist for you no matter how hard you try to remember. You'll have a happy life. Its going to be ok. I won’t exist in a way that you can think about. Only a memory. I refuse to be more than that. Goodbye. “

***

I was supposed to write something nice here but I’m not sure I can do that.

Maybe if I pause a moment something will come out. Something that will bring a smile to you. Something that doesn’t stab and punch at you.

Maybe not though.

I’m going to disappear. Be someone unable to be reached. In person. Online. In memory. I won’t even let her remember me. Change my favorite color. Burn my favorite books. Be someone that only exists to her in fiction. A story someone once told her. Something that was never real. Can you be jealous of a fictional character? I bet you would find a way.

She won’t even be able to remember me. Not a single person around you will ever even allowed to experience my existence. Not a word from me. Not even a sound. Something less than a ghost.

And I hope.

I hope and I pray so fucking much.

That the voice at the back of your head goes away. And you never hear it again. And if another voice comes into the back of your head I pray for the ones around you.

If this is the cost of your peace of mind than I’ll pay it ten fold for you. I’ll stab and bleed out for you. You have to live your life. You need to live your life. I hope one fucking day you realize all the things she does to chase after you. All the bits of your existence she’s been copying all this time that you never noticed. You should really try and be more healthy for her sake. Be a little more responsible. No one is going to take care of you but you. Be stronger. She follow along right behind you like a child. You mite not notice. But she’ll pick up the same weight you do and try and be strong too. She’s infatuated with you.

Be someone worth all that love. Don’t flinch before this daunting task. Stand strong. Head up. Look forward. And you walk. One step at a time.

You do the small things.

Stop ordering out less. And she will too.

Start saving money And she will too.

Exercise so you live longer. And she will too.

Be out going. And she’ll be right behind you jumping with joy.

Its time you make a life. And drown out all those demons in your head.

I don’t think you’ll read down this far. I don’t think twchh will give this to you for me. I think you’ll refuse it in a fit of rage if you even look at it. And if you even open this and start to read. A tantrum will erupt from you and my words will be lost beneath your rage once again.

Its how I motivate myself to disappear so easily. Because well.

Like you said.

You wont chase after me.

So if for good or bad. Worse or ugly. Whatever mistakes I make from here on out. I do it with the thought that I won’t exist and I won’t hurt you anymore. You’ll be happy. I’m constantly agitated with the thought of the things I need to do so I can disappear fully. Burn this, buy that, cut here, and bleed out over there. It takes a lot to change yourself. I guess you were right about that.

If you somehow read this far. I want to thank you. For what short time we spent together. I shouldn’t apologize anymore. But I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better person for you. I want you to be happy and I wrote all of these words out of love for you. And if given the option I would do it all over again. Yesterday, today, 10 years from now. I would let you stab into me all over again. Don’t be scared of hurting me. Don’t be upset that you did. I’m endless. I’m forever. I couldn’t die if I wanted too. The world won’t allow my escape. It requires more from me. Sorry this is getting so dark but this is the brightest my days get.

Goodbye who was once a friend.

Goodbye who was once more than just that.

So much more.

Goodbye

***

By the way I’m still giving you a birthday gift if I can figure out how to make it work. That’s more for me than you. I wanted to give it you before your trip so you had some extra pocket cash but I couldn’t get the money together in time. I want to do this because I’m not a liar. You were my friend and I wanted to give you a birthday gift.

Anyways I’m going to see if someone will give this to you now.

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