#and we got married!! i didn't care if they were scripted to hell and back i was just SO entertained ahahaha

[koishua]

growing up on diff kpop gens with my younger sister this is wild bc her le sserafim/nwjns/illit/kiof was my snsd/aoa/apink/girls' day/exid/gfriend/rv :( 4th/5th gen vs 2nd/3rd gen have CRAZY different energies it's fascinating

[mysterymissteary]

Wedding Hells

Snapshots of Twin Stars au | future ph!bkdk | wedding fic | side seroroki and shinkami | long fic

Bkdk just wants to get married. Villians crash their wedding.

"This is Hanso Fujihiko coming to you LIVE at the televised wedding ceremony of Japan's beloved Wonder Duo, Dynamight, the Explosion Hero, and Deku, the Hero of Hope! If you haven't been living under a rock for the last five years, the Wonder Duo is the hottest celebrity couple in Japan! Winning hearts with their heroic deeds and clever marketing. They never seem to do anything apart and we are eating it up! And after many years of climbing the charts side by side, our beloved heroic pair is finally tying the knot!"

As the reporter continued his script, the wedding party was scurrying around to make sure everything was perfect. Izuku and Katsuki have been through so much, their friends and fellow pro heroes would be damned if they didn't deserve a perfect wedding day.

"Is Midoriya getting dressed still?" Todoroki asked. To anyone outside their group, Todoroki's facial expressions and tone seemed unchanging. But a trained ear, and close friends who knew him, could tell that anxiety was starting to get to him.

"Chill, Roki, baby. Everything's going according to plan. The flowers are perfect, Jirou's got the tunes, Mic sensei is gonna take care of the speeches and keep the mood hyped. And Kiri and Mina are getting the grooms all snazzy. Relax, gorgeous." Sero lazily slings his arm around Shoto's shoulders. Ever since third year, Sero and Shoto have been an item. Both of them were awkward at first, being as Shoto has never had anyone show interest in him and Sero's never dated a boy before. But they're still going strong, filling out the parts the other lacks.

Shoto gives a determined nod and tries to calm himself. "Thank you, Hanta. Everything is going to be fine." His boyfriend kisses his cheek before patting his back and going off to help Sato and Koda with the catering. He didn't cook anything but he sure can help taste it.

In Bakugou's suite, he was seconds from blasting this stupid suit and his stupid rock faced best friend off the face of this planet. "I'm not wearin' no stupid fucking cufflinks!" Kirishima was trying to wrestle them onto Bakugous sleeves without either using their quirks. Since that would ruin the suits and they don't have time to pick up another.

"Come ON, Katsuki! It's tradition! You wanna look nice for Mido right?"

"The shit nerd loves me just fine no matter what I wear!" What was supposed to be a threat turned out sounding much more endearing. It was enough to make Kirishima pause and then smile knowingly.

"Aw, Kats~ I'm gonna stop with the cufflinks but I am SO telling Mina how romantic you are~" Immediately he pulls out his phone. Katsuki rages, yelling as he tries to crush it. Making Kirishima laugh. It's a good thing his phone case is as unbreakable as he is.

Ping! Mina squeaks and giggles as she reads her messages. "Mido! Your man is being totally adorbs~ Kiri tells me he's in there angrily professing his love."

Izuku, who was previously pacing in front of a full length mirror, pauses to look at her. He flushes with a light chuckle. "As Kacchan does with everything. Aggressive but somehow also sweet." He seems to frown at a sudden thought. "Kacchan probably is going to look amazing. Stunning. As he always is. What if... What if I look boring next to him?" Maybe inviting the media to his wedding in exchange for the profits being donated to charities supporting homeless queer kids and heteromorphic rights organizations wasn't such a good idea. Yes it's to a good cause. And Izuku is so glad he made that ultimatum to the news network currently surrounding their venue. But... It's costing Izuku his sanity. And worst of all, he can't see his beloved Kacchan until the ceremony starts. He's getting nervous just being away from him.

Ever since they were children, they've been in each other's lives. Grew up in the same neighborhood, had the same classes, even when Katsuki wasn't the kindest to him, they were always within arms reach. Never had they spent a long period of time away from each other.

Until the war. Until his Kacchan was stolen from him. Until they fought death itself to keep the other alive. Now they can't stand even one day apart.

Mina rolls her eyes with an amused grin. "Mido... Honey.. you don't honestly think you're boring, do you? You've got a rockin' bod, and those cute freckles. Those doe eyes. You've really filled out since first year. You're a total babe." Izuku has changed a lot. He's only grown a couple inches since high school, but he's broad now. Slightly darker tan, thighs and an ass that could quite literally crush a man's head, and his hair is more well managed now. He keeps it short on the sides and curly on top. Katsuki has been sporting an undercut these days and he's far taller. Built like a house too. But as always, he's so gorgeous. Kacchan has always been so pretty. Even now, with his face scarred from the war. Especially now. Izuku finds his scars very sexy.

The door softly opens and Izuku's gaze snaps to it, hoping it's his Kacchan.

Uraraka shyly smiles. Like she knows exactly what he was thinking. "Sorry, Deku. It's only me."

Izuku suddenly looks embarrassed. But he opens his arms to accept her in a warm hug. "You're exactly what I need. You look beautiful, as always." The two good friends giggle and greet each other.

"Ya know, what I said in second year, about kicking his butt if he ever hurts you still stands." Ochaco pokes Izukus chest.

"I'll kick his butt myself, don't worry." Izuku gives a light chuckle. He and Ochaco dated for a short time in first year. Then they realized with a war going on and their feelings changing, that it was better for them to just be friends. Ochaco also has a close relationship with Bakugou, as they're gym buddies. So she's aware he'd never harm Izuku ever again. But still. It's her job as best friend to hand out threats.

When she really wants to rile the explosion hero up, she'd just brag about being Izukus first kiss. And his first date. Nothing gets Bakugous blood pumping and his muscles straining like furious pushups after being told his future husband kissed someone other than him.

"How are you holding up, Deku?" Ochaco asks while rubbing his arm softly.

Mina nods. "It's not too late to tell the vultures to back off."

"It's okay. I did make them a deal. And it's going to be helping a lot of people. I can deal with this one day. Because..." Izuku's voice starts to sound watery. "..b-because after today... I'm gonna be married to Kacchan." He sniffles as he chuckles. Mina comes over with a soft face cloth so his makeup doesn't run too much.

"Zuku, those better be happy tears. I didn't spend all that time curling your hair and dolling you up for you to wash it away with anything but happy tears." Mina scolded, but fondly smiles as she wipes his eyes.

"Happy tears... Very happy. I'm so blessed. All my friends, my mom, my senseis, and today I get to marry the love of my life. I'm very happy." Izuku smiles with such soft eyes.

Ping! Kirishima plops down, out of breath from his wrestling match with Bakugou, both having given up since they were evenly matched without quirks. They're both quite broad and muscular. With Katsuki being slightly shorter.

"Mina says Mido is crying about marrying the love of his life. He's just as whipped as you." Eijirou laughs. Katsuki straightens his tie in the mirror, scowling slightly.

But his voice is soft and full of affection. "Nerd always cries. But at least this time it's not for some stupid reason." Katsuki feels his own eyes sting but he shakes it off. He can't cry today. The nerd has cried enough for both of them. "Eij... I'm getting fucking married." He shakes his head like he doesn't quite believe it. After everything he's done, he doesn't think he deserves something as precious as this. Someone as amazing as Izuku. If Izuku knew he thought like this, the nerd would argue with him that he's made up for his past and that no matter what, they will always have each other.

Kirishima knows his best friend enough to know the meaning behind his words, no matter how hidden they are. He stands, going over to Katsuki and wraps him in a hug. He doesn't let Katsuki wiggle his way out of this one either. He holds him tight. "Kats.. whatever's going through your head, man.. it's just wedding jitters. Nerves. You and Mido will be great together. Ya know.. we always knew you two would be here. We figured it would take a while due to both of you being stubborn as hell. But you did it. And in only half the time we'd bet it would take."

"The fuck you mean you bet on it?!" Katsuki pushes out of Kirishimas grasp. "You bet I would lose??"

"Kats, it's not losing. We just bet it would take the two of you about five more years to figure out you were nuts for each other." The red haired hero chuckles, brushing through his long hair. He had it in a lose ponytail for the ceremony. When he was on duty, it was usually styled up in the front but kept long so it fell down his back. It gave him a lion like appearance. But the real Eijirou was anything but. He was more of a giant puppy.

Katsuki growls, baring his teeth. "Same shit! Not being with the nerd is losing." Katsuki seemed to realize that time just how sappy he sounded because his eyes widen and his cheeks turn pink. But it was too late. Kirishima laughs at him, hands over his mouth in surprise.

"You're a goner, bro! I can't wait to tell Mido!"

"Not if I kill you!" Katsuki reels one hand back as if he was going to punch Kirishima but before he can, the door opens.

"Kacchan! Wow, you look like a bonified prince!" Of course it's Dunce Face. "Woah, did I interrupt something?"

"Kats was just telling me how he can't wait to be married and how in looove he is~" Kirishima dodges a punch in the chest.

"Fuck off! I didn't say any of that shit!"

Kaminari seems to be amused by this. He was never scared of their explosive friend's outburst like the rest of the group. He goes right up to Bakugou and pats his cheek, which Bakugou angrily smacks away, snarling. "You're always so shy, Suki~. It's totally okay to show much you care once in a while. We already know you're literally willing to die for Mido. Saying you love him isn't something to be shy about." Kaminari taps Katsuki's nose with his finger.

"I ain't shy! And stop touching me! Of course I love the nerd! But it's not as mushy as Shitty Hair says. I was jus' sayin' that I can't wait for this day to be over already. All this shitty press botherin' us. Izuku-" he stops himself from finishing. It's bad enough his cronies think he's some sap. If they knew he was so aggravated because he was knew his fiance had anxiety and the media would only further freak him out, they would never let him hear the end of it. "I don't need this shit right now. The longer I'm out of the field, the less villains I can destroy."

"This guy." Kaminari gently elbows Kirishima, both looking amused. "Always thinking about work. It's your wedding day, dude. Chill. There's plenty of heroes that can pick up the slack-"

"None as good as me and Deku."

"-While you get hitched. Wait- you're including Midoriya now~. You're right, Kiri. He is whipped."

Bakugou's face burns, but he turns away so he doesn't blast his designer suit. A wedding gift from his parents. All of the parties outfits were specially designed for each person, fitting their personal style, color motifs and body type. Even Shoji and his many appendages. Which Shoji was over the moon about. He's never had someone actually care that much to design something for him.

"Enough outta you extras. Pikadork, didn't you bring that...freaky one? He's with Izuku, yeah?"

"He's not freaky. He's my date. And yes, Toshi is on his way to Mido's room. You've known Hitoshi since first year. Yet you still don't know his name?"

"I don't care enough to know any of your names." An absolute lie. Which Kaminari absolutely doesn't buy.

"There you go with that shy thing again. You know our names~."

Then Kirishima, the bastard, decides to betray Katsuki. "He called me Eij before you got here, Denks."

Chaos erupts.

"Shinsou! Deku, Shinsou's here!" Uraraka opens the door to reveal a shyly smiling indigo haired hero. Like mostly everyone else, Hitoshi has grown quite a bit. And that included height.

Izuku smiles wide, greeting his good friend with a hug. "Hitoshi! I'm so glad you could make it. I thought for sure you'd be on patrol all week."

"I requested a night off. Turns out the big wigs are willing to do anything for Japan's number one, and any friends he has." He jokes. Izuku chuckles, but then he's sporting a mischievous looking grin.

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Kaminari asked you to go with him." Shinsou looks away with a slight cough and Izuku knows he's won. "I think you two would be good together. He really likes you."

"He's like that with all his friends."

Mina gaffaws as she types away on her phone, checking in on the preparations. "He doesn't look at us like he does you. Denki is totally into you. Ask him on a real date already. God, this is third year Blasty and Midoriya all over again. Is it a thing with you guys that none of you realize someone is into you?"

Izuku and Shinsou both look somewhere between embarrassed and undignified. "Kacchan and I weren't that bad..." Apparently that's not the right thing to say, because the entire room erupts into snorts of laughter.

In the Bakugou suite, an alarm on Katsuki's phone goes off. Then Denki's and Eijirou's simultaneously. They all share a look of determination. The ceremony was starting.

"Go to your seats. Keep the hag out, and don't get up to any bullshit. I fucking mean it." He points to the both of them. "This day is going to go fucking perfect even if it kills me. Now get out, chucklefucks." Denki and Kirishima give mock salutes as they rush out. It seems just in time too, as they catch Mitsuki Bakugou on her way to Katsuki's room.

"Is my brat ready yet? I swear if he-"

"Mrs. Bakugou! Do you remember me? Kaminari. I'm friends with your son. Hey, why don't we catch up in the chapel, yeah?"

The two heroes lead Bakugou's mother down the hall and far away from Katsuki's room. She would only cause him more stress and no one needed a stressed out Dynamight.

With the wedding party gathering in the chapel, and everyone taking their seats, the atmosphere is starting to settle. This was finally happening. The camera crew turns to film the entrance as Yamada plays a romantic score on the piano. It seemed Mic's talents didn't just lie in electronic and hip hop beats. His husband and daughter look on proudly from their seats. Shinsou sneaks in to take his seat with his sister and guardian. When the school found out Shinsou lived in a foster home, Aizawa officially adopted him. Something about his potential and saving time. But everyone knows he loves the boy like his own son. He tries his best not to blush when Kaminari's pretty golden eyes follow him as he passes before resuming his conversation with Mrs Bakugou quietly. He's definitely gonna take Mina's advice and ask Denki out. Just not here. This was Izuku's special day.

The girls enter, glowing and beautiful, in pairs. Beautiful lace and delicate curls. Flowers of red and orange lovingly placed in their hands, vines of ivy falling from each bouquet. The two grooms favorite colors. The main flower of these bouquets were the ever beautiful and fiery Forever Susan Asiatic Lily.

Izuku once suggested red and green for their eye colors. Katsuki quickly shot it down with "I ain't having my wedding look like Christmas." So they went with their favorite colors. It ended up fitting them far more than their original choice. Which Katsuki will brag about on their honeymoon.

The next of the party to enter is the boys, Kirishima and Iida leading. Kaminari had left the Bakugous at some point and was entering with the rest of Katsuki and Izuku's friends. Each one of them had a smaller Forever Susan Asiatic Lily in their jacket pocket, along with a green handkerchief. Each man, and Jirou, because she really hated wearing dresses, sported their signature color on their tie. Otherwise, their suits were identical in color. Similar designs, though each custom fit for each hero. With Jirou's being a more feminine cut.

After the wedding party was Katsuki's entrance. And an entrance it was. Katsuki, as always, looked gorgeous. With his ash blond hair styled to the side, revealing his very rarely seen forehead. Best Jeanist would be proud, if he could have made it. A lovely watch adorns his wrist, his nails painted black. His crimson red eyes lined with eyeliner and the slightest smokey eye. His skin was perfect like his mother's so he didn't need much to enhance his natural beauty.

His suit was fitted to his body in just the right ways. It was a burnt orange three piece, though Katsuki argued with his mother about wearing the tie and vest. He ended up wearing them today. Not for his mother. But for his Izuku. Today has to be perfect. That includes enduring choking nearly to death by a stupid tie. The tie and accents of the suit were a cream color. A handkerchief in his pocket, a silver grenade shaped pin on his lapel, and a thin and tiny chain pinned from one side of his shirt collar to the other, over the tie.

He walked with his hand in his pocket, but kept his back straight, as instructed by Best Jeanist, whom he'd very embarrassingly asked for advice weeks ago. He was aware he had a problem with his posture. But he never had a reason to give a fuck. Now he does. And that reason had the most beautiful, hope filled green eyes and freckles like constellations. Fuck he loves that dorky little nerd so much.

Katsuki takes his place at the center of the alter. Kirishima pats his shoulder with an encouraging smile. He leans over to whisper. "I've never seen you look that happy. Were you thinking about Izuku~?" He learns a light elbow to the side.

He would never admit it, but he doesn't remember ever being happier than he is now. Today he was going to marry Izuku, the boy who always reached out to him. The man who saved his life many times. The man he saved many times in return. The love of his life. And his absolute soulmate. He's sure of that. Only fate would be so cruel as to dangle such an amazing man in front of him, then make him spend a decade and a half being a complete fucking dumbass about it. After everything, the nerd is still by his side. So he has to be Katsuki's soulmate.

Once the music shifts to a bridal tune, the room grows quiet. The doors open once more. Inko holds Izuku's arm. He's looking down in shyness but that doesn't hide his beauty. A few gasps and 'aw's are heard as he looks up and straight at Katsuki. Only ever at Katsuki. And he has the softest, most hopelessly in love expression. Kirishima suddenly understands the look Katsuki had moments before. Because Izuku has the same expression.

Izuku's suit was much like Bakugou's, only viridian in color, and with a bow tie. Where Katsuki's shirt was white, Izuku's was black. Where his handkerchief was creme, Izuku's was red. Where Katsuki had a grenade shaped pin, Izuku had an All Might pin on his lapel. He insisted. Izuku, unlike Katsuki, could be talked into the cufflinks. Green gems. Honestly, a good look for Izuku. Damn, Katsuki couldn't be more proud he could call this man his husband. Or was about to

Suddenly, Izuku is standing in front of him, with his glassy, teary eyes and his stupidly adorable freckles. "Hi."

"Holy shit. -I mean, hey. Fuckin' hot."

Izuku giggles with a shy blush.

Inko takes her seat next to Mitsuki and Masaru, handkerchief up to her mouth as she stifles her tears. Her baby was getting married. And over all, he is the happiest she's ever seen him. Katsuki will be good to him, she just knows it. She wasn't sure when Izuku called her one day after graduation and told her Kacchan confessed his feelings. She remembers how the boy used to be with her son. She never expected Katsuki would ask to meet her over dinner. And she definitely didn't expect such a polite and nervous young man apologizing to her for how he treated her son and asking for her blessing to date Izuku.

She was in disbelief this was the Katsuki Bakugou that her son grew up with. The boy that bullied him. But the then 19 year old that asked for her permission and apologized was so different. And the now 24 year old looking at her baby boy like he was the only thing in the universe? She knew she would trust him to look after her Izuku.

"I wish you could have seen this, Toshinori." Inko sniffles. "Izuku looks so handsome."

Katsuki takes Izuku's hands in both of his, his thumbs tracing the old scars. Izuku looks up at him with a watery smile. He stands on his tip toes to give Katsuki a kiss. Only to be stopped by Katsuki's voice.

"Ah. That comes later, dork. We gotta say 'I Do' first."

Izuku blushes but nods in acceptance. "Sorry, Kacchan. Got excited." He looks to the officiant. "Hurry please." Izuku was never a rude man, but he can get impatient from time to time, especially when it concerns his Kacchan.

"Dearly Beloved.... We are gathered here today.." The ceremony was perfectly planned. Katsuki and Izuku would exchange vows, then rings, then kiss. Then a private reception at a secret location, away from the cameras. Just a group of former classmates and their families enjoying themselves, celebrating the love of two of their dearest friends.

But not everything goes as planned when you're a world renowned hero getting married to another world renowned hero. On national television. You think you're going to say your vows to the love of your life. But what you get is the chapels roof being blown apart.

Screaming erupts as Izuku curses himself for being so distracted. If he wasn't oogling Kacchan in his gorgeous suit, Danger Sense could have picked up on the attack before it happened.

Metal crumples in a sickening crunch as more of the ceiling peels away. The heros of the wedding party immediately lower themselves into defensive positions. Katsuki and Izuku included.

Several figures come into view. Lead by a larger figure, floating. The leader was dressed in a trench coat over some kind of black metal armor. They seemed to have some kind of metal manipulation quirk.

"Hope we're not late!" The leader bellows. "What a lovely wedding!" The foundation beams of the ceiling rise as the leader levitates. They twist and form spear like abominations of steel and bolts. "Too bad you're going to miss the honeymoon! Say goodbye to your heroes!" The spears come raining down in Izuku and Katsuki's direction.

"Fucking figures my wedding day will be crashed by extras!" Katsuki blasts one of the spears to pieces before it can hit Izuku. Izuku's fists flicker with the familiar green lightning of One For All.

Kirishima hardens his body, bursting through his suit. "We're not letting you ruin this!" He shields the couple from as much as he can with his hardened body. "Unbreakable!"

Aizawa wasn't prepared for a fight so he didn't bring his gear, due to this being a wedding event and honestly he didn't think any villains would be stupid enough to attack a room full of heroes. But he can still help his students with his fighting abilities, even if the war took one of his eyes. He had his family and his kids by his side.

Kaminari didn't have his gear either so fighting will be hard without hurting his friends. But he was still a human stun gun if he can touch one of them. But.. he had to get the civilians to safety. "Mr and Mrs Bakugou! Come with me. Everyone! You have to evacuate and let the heroes take care of it!"

"Good thinking, Kaminari!" Izuku praises as he catches a beam in midair using Float and his super strength. "Anyone with a defense quirk, escort the civilians to safety!"

"Zuku! Tell them to go to the reception!" Katsuki goes after one of the villains head on, yelling as he jumps to attack with a blast overhead. His mom is gonna bitch at him later for the suit being ruined.

"Good idea, Kacchan! Shoto, stabilize the ceiling!" Immediately Shoto nods and coats the ceiling in a thick sheet of ice, connecting that to his Heaven Piercing Ice Wall. That should hold. Sero comes rushing to his side and reinforces his wall of ice with tape. He'd pushed his sleeves up at some point. The couple smile softly at each other before focusing again on the battle.

Izuku uses Black Whip to hurl himself at the lead villian, at the same time Katsuki has the same idea, using his blasts to launch himself. Two minds acting as one. They both rear back to punch at the same time.

"Detroit Smash!"

"Burning Fist!"

They land their attacks into a wall of metal. The villain must have set it up in the last moment.

Sero, Kirishima, Aizawa and Uraraka take on the other villains.

Katsuki was pissed. How fucking DARE these nobody losers crash his wedding. Not even someone big name like Big Nose, or even Half and Half's burnt pile of disappointment of a brother. Hell, he'll take that smiling weirdo vandalist again. But no. He's gonna fight some magnetic loser and his cronies. At least it'll be quick. These chumps got nothing on the Wonder Duo.

Kaminari comes running back into the chapel. "Everyone's on the way to the venue!"

Hitoshi's eyes are immediately drawn to him. And the world seems so glow. He's messy, his hair is messed up, and his clothes are wrinkled. But to Hitoshi, he's never looked more beautiful. Kaminari's eyes meet his. And he gets an idea. "Izuku! Bakugou! Fall back!"

Katsuki blasts a clone one of the villains to pieces. "Hah!? I ain't a coward!"

"No, Kacchan.." Izuku lands back on the ground. "I think I know where he's going with this."

"Denki." Hitoshi calls out to Kaminari. "He controls metal." Kaminari's eyes widen. His fingers spark with excitement. This could work.

"I get it! Kats, stand back!" Katsuki growls, but lands back on the ground next to Izuku.

"Current Chain!" Kaminari's electricity shoots from his pointer finger, right at the nearest metal beam, then jumps to the next, until every piece of metal was charged with thousands of volts of electricity. Including the leader and his metal suit. The villian seizes from the sheer power of the shock, then falls, disappearing among the rubble. The remaining flunkies are tied up by their friends and teachers.

Izuku sighs in relief. His wedding is ruined. And his suit is destroyed. And his arm is injured from punching a solid metal wall. But his guests and his friends are safe. Everyone's safe. He gravitates toward Katsuki and leans on him. Katsuki is in a similar condition with a similar busted arm. But they're both safe. Katsuki wraps his uninjured arm around his future husband.

Aizawa eyes Hitoshi and nods in the direction of Kaminari. He knows his kid wants to go and talk to him. Hitoshis feelings for Kaminari are very obvious. And although he was sceptical at first, not wanting a second loud blond to deal with, his kid took after him too much. There are worse people Hitoshi could have feelings for.

Hitoshi's feet carry him to Kaminari, just as Kaminari is rushing to him.

"Hey, good j-" Kaminari throws his arms around Shinsou's 6 foot tall frame and plants a kiss right on his lips. Like the hyped up firecracker he is, he breathes life into Hitoshi's lungs. Hitoshi feels himself melting, holding Kaminari's waist.

Izuku gasps, then coos in adoration. Katsuki smirks, kissing the top of Izuku's head. "Told you, nerd."

Kaminari pulls away, suddenly aware that everyone, including Shinsou's parents, are watching them. He smiles nervously. "I shouldn't have done that. That was probably really embarrassing for you."

Hitoshi smiles softly, his forehead pressing against Kaminari's much shorter one. "Strangely, I'm okay with it." He looks to the happy couple. "I really wanted to wait until after your special day, Izuku."

"It was shit anyway." Katsuki smirks.

"Oh! We should check on our guests! Everyone's probably waiting." Izuku takes Katsuki's hand and squeezes.

Their remaining classmates that didn't help with evacuation hand off the restrained villains to the police. One by one, they give Katsuki and Izuku an apologetic pat on the back before filing out. Shinsou and Kaminari holding each other's pinkies with shy smiles.

"Mister Deku!" Eri, who was supposed to be evacuated with the other guests, meets them outside. "Mister Kacchan! You're hurt!" Eri was now 14. In her first year of UA. Class A and her family couldn't be prouder. She'd decided she was going to specialize in healing and support. "Let me help." She reaches her hands out for both of them, intending to use her quirk as she did with the guests.

"Eri, it's okay. You've helped more than enough today. We don't want you to overuse your quirk."

"Mister Deku, I can do it. I've been practicing. Papa, can I?" Like everything, she looks to Aizawa for answers. He assesses the situation, both trusting Eri could physically do it, but also as her father being nervous about her overusing her quirk. Yamada had gone with the kids to help evacuate, using his quirk to give instructions and directions to the reception venue. But if his husband were here, he'd encourage Eri to help however she can, because that's what a hero does.

"Go ahead. But take it slow. Midoriya, she's been doing well. She can do this."

Izuku nods. "Alright. It would suck pretty bad if I had to dance with my new husband with one arm." He smiles. Eri places her hand on both Katsuki's and Izuku's arms. There's a glow from her quirk, then it's over. Like their injuries never happened. Izuku smiles, flexing his fingers on his now healed hand. "Thank you, Eri. You're amazing. Let's go."

"Nerd. How are we gonna get everyone there? All the cars left."

Izuku frowns. "Shit. I didn't think of that.. Kacchan and I can get there with our quirks, but... I don't know." Tears start to form in Izuku's eyes. Here it comes. All the pressure is finally overflowing. Izuku is breaking down. Suddenly, he's sobbing, and Katsuki pulls him into an embrace. "I-I just...wanted to get...married." Katsuki shushes him in the most loving tone, gently petting his hair and holding him.

"It's okay, Izu... We don't need some big party."

"The... The money..."

"We'll figure something out, baby."

Their friends start to join in on the hug, Todoroki being the first. "Midoriya, we always find a way."

"Yeah, dude. We're Class A." Kirishima adds, hugging Izuku as well. Izuku is comforted knowing that so many people care about him. Kaminari, Shinsou, Sero, Eri, and in spirit, their whole class. All of them love him so much.

"I'm so blessed to have you all." He sniffles. "You're right. We'll find a way."

Aizawa's heart aches for his kids. But logically, there's not much he or Mic would do. None of them have transportation quirks. Or speed quirks. "You kids go ahead. With Bakugou's blasts and your jumps and Black Whip, you should be able to get to the beach."

"But... We'd be leaving you all here... Sensei, I want you all to be with me. But... I guess it doesn't matter now because the wedding is ruined." Izuku felt like crying again.

"Oi! Who said it's ruined? We're fucking Deku and Dynamight! We're getting married today if we have to officiate it ourselves. If it takes a bit longer to get there and be with our friends, that's nothin!"

"We'll do what we can, kid." Their former teacher smiles so softly, it's almost invisible.

"We certainly will, Mr Aizawa." Everyone in the room turns to the unnaturally cheerful voice. When did he get here? "Pardon me for the intrusion, but I saw you on the news and I was thinking you'd be quite upset about your wedding being interrupted. So as the former principal of our countries top heroes and a dear friend of the beloved late All Might, I've taken it upon myself to offer my aid."

Katsuki makes a 'tch' sound, but really, he's touched that their former teachers want to help. "You got a ride or what, furbag?"

"Kacchan! Have manners. Principal Nezu, we're so grateful for your help." Izuku smiles.

Nezu taps his cane on the ground. "Follow me, children. Your white horse awaits."

The group shuffle through the rubble to make it to the outside of the building. Theres three cars, all lined up and ready to be filled, drivers ready. Izuku could almost cry.

"And I have one more surprise for my number one and two students."

"I'm number one right?" Izuku smacks Katsuki's arm.

"Kacchan!" Then Izuku smiles mischievously. "you're not even number one on the charts."

"Oi! It's not too late to return the gifts, ya little shit."

"As I was saying, children. I've arranged an officiant to meet us at the venue." Izuku and Katsuki stares at their former principal in confusion and shock.

"Are you saying... We can still be married?" Izuku tries not to let too much hope show in his voice but due to his nature, it's impossible.

"Yes of course. I'm a bit of a romantic. Now go. You kids deserve happiness after all you've been through."

Izuku kneels down to hug Nezu, tears in his eyes. "Thank you, so much. I don't think we ever thanked you for doing so much to protect us."

"You don't need to thank me for doing my job." Nezu looks to Aizawa. "No matter how old you kids get, we will always be your teachers. Aizawa, you can take it from here. Eri, my dear, lovely job. You get stronger every day. I look forward to your debut." Eri gives him a bow and a grateful smile. Then the stoat like hero hobbles away.

"Alright, dweebs. Into the cars, now! Sensei, Squirt, Dunce Faces boytoy, you're with us! Stupid Hair, Half and Half and Tape Face, take the other car. Dunce Face stop giving me those eyes, you're not coming with us."

"Blasty-"

"Its my wedding-"

"Our wedding, Kacchan."

"Fine, nerd. OUR wedding. And I'm not gonna watch you two tongue each other. So for now, you're staying far away from him. You're in the third car with Cheeks and Raccoon Eyes."

Denki tips his head back with a groan. He grumbles that it's not fair that Sero and Todoroki get to share a car and they're a couple. But he reluctantly follows his classmates to the car. Everyone loads up and they're on their way.

Izuku is buzzing with excitement, waving his fists happily. He's gonna get married after all.

But then he notices. "Huh. This time of day, you'd think they'd be traffic. Or at least red lights."

Aizawa snorts. "I bet that old rodent has something to do with it. You two have always been his favorite."

Katsuki smirks, his arm around the back of Izuku's seat. "Don't act like we're not your favorites, teach."

"I don't have favorites. I care about all my students."

"Father..." Hitoshi gives him a look. "it's not logical to lie. We both know this class has wormed their way into your heart more than any other class."

Aizawa can't fight logic. Hitoshi is smiling, and so is Eri. And he definitely doesn't like the look on the problem children's faces. "Not a word."

When the cars arrive at the beach, a crowd is waiting for them. Their friends and families, the civilians they saved throughout their lives.

And most of all, they were met with a private party, on a long secluded beach very few even remember being there. The beach Izuku trained with All Might on, those many years ago. The beach Izuku cleaned top to bottom when no one else would. The beach Izuku took Katsuki for their first date and told him the story of how he met All Might. The beach Katsuki later proposed to Izuku at.

This beach was very special to the both of them. That's why they knew it had to be their secret reception venue. They had it decorated with flowers and lights, with tables set up with tons of food. Carpets made up a dance floor and a small stage was set up for music.

The centerpiece of the party wasn't some big dessert table, or ice sculpture, although Shoto did offer to provide one. It was far more special. Years ago, when they both broke through the top five, Katsuki and Izuku had the idea to install a tribute to Toshinori Yagi on the beach that meant so much to both of them.

See, the world already knew All Might. All around Japan was statues of his great, towering, muscular form, strong and unbreakable, with a blinding smile on his face. But hardly anyone cared about Toshinori Yagi. So Izuku designed the statue and Katsuki funded it. It was bronze, Toshinori sitting on a bench, with a filled bento open at his side, delicate rabbit printed cloth draped over the bento. His face old and weathered, but calm and at peace. He smiles with a warmth few saw on the heroes face. The plaque read "Toshinori Yagi: Father, teacher, and eternal hero."

When Izuku steps out of the car, he immediately goes to his mother, who of course, is emotional as always. "I'm okay, mom. It was nothing. Really, they were nobodies." Izuku laughs, trying to lean away from his mother's doting hands trying to clean the dirt from his face.

Mitsuki, was pretty much the opposite. She snatches Katsuki's ear. "You brat! First you avoid me all day, then you chase me out of the church."

"If you were there any longer, hag, you would have started burning!"

"You calling me a devil, brat!?"

"Honey... The kids have been through a lot today. Let's let Katsuki get to his wedding party." Masaru tries to pull his wife away.

Izuku manages to calm his mother down enough to escape her overbearing grasp. He finds his way to the statue at the center of the party. Just looking at it makes his heart ache. There's so much he should have done. But Yagi passed peacefully, of old age, surrounded by his many students and loved ones. Izuku and Katsuki held his hands as he took his last breath. His Wonder Duo was there, filling his heart with love until the end. Even so, Izuku wishes more than anything, he could go back to that day. That day Yagi offered him a bento and Izuku left him behind. He wishes he could-

Katsuki's kiss to his hair brings him out of his thoughts. "Whatever you're thinking, stop. He loved you, like his own blood, Izuku. You know that."

"I know, Kacchan. I know." He smiles, turning to look up at his love. "He's the only father I've ever known. I miss him so much."

"Me too, nerd."

"Bakugou? Midoriya?" An elegant voice calls. They turn to see Momo, holding two lovely jackets. Not the same as the ones Mitsuki designed for them, but theyre perfect. "I saw the condition of your suits, and I hope you don't mind, but I've taken the liberty to make you fresh ones."

"Oh, Momo..." Izuku hugs her close. As an adult, he's gotten much more comfortable around pretty girls. Probably due to all of his female classmates being beautiful. He's had time to get used to the beauty that surrounded him. Although his favorite beauty was still sharp red eyes and battle scars on his face. "Thank you. So much."

Izuku accepted the jackets and helps Katsuki put his on. Katsuki, in turn, does the same. Izuku uses his handkerchief to clean Katsuki's cheek, right where his scar rests. Katsuki fixes Izuku's messy curls. They look at each other with such love. They way they take care of each other says more than words can ever say. Katsuki turns his head to press a kiss to Izuku's scarred palm.

"Let's get married, nerd." Izuku smiles.

Yamada has reunited with his husband and kids, never doubting them for one moment. After greeting them with hugs and fatherly fistbumps, Yamada takes the stage. "Alright, alright alright! Now that the grooms are here, we got a wedding to get on with! Now, please welcome our special guest and the man who's going to be officiating the marriage of our top heroes.... Best Jeanist!" A tall, denim clad figure steps onto the stage.

"Oh for fucks sake!" Katsuki's voice is distantly heard, followed by chuckling from the crowd. He thought he'd escaped the blond menace. Sure, he invited him to the wedding, but he was told he couldn't make it due to his Number Five hero duties. Now Katsuki has to deal with him.

And he's gonna be marrying him and the nerd. Izuku bumps his hip. "He's not that bad, Kacchan. And he's taking time off to fill in. I know you respect him. You even asked him to teach you to dance."

"How the fuck-"

"I have my sources, Kacchan. Don't worry about it. The point is, we're very grateful that he's here to help. Now... If I wait any longer to get married, I think I'll explode."

Yamada hands Best Jeanist the microphone. "Thank you, Present Mic. Can the grooms come to the stage?" Izuku is very excited to join Best Jeanist. Katsuki rolls his eyes, but follows his future husband. He's only doing this to marry the nerd. That's all.

Izuku stands in front of Katsuki, holding his hands, looking at him with those big, stupid green eyes he can never say no to. And the humiliation is worth it. Because he's gonna marry this dweeb.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here..." The ceremony goes on without any more incident. The two exchange their vows to each other. They're given the rings, and kiss each other's hands as they place them on each other's fingers. They look into each other's eyes and whisper words of love.

"I hereby pronounce you wed. You may kiss." And kiss they did. Katsuki doesn't waste a moment in grabbing Izuku and spinning him in a passionate kiss. Cheers erupt around them. And the newly wed couple laugh.

Finally, as the sun sets, Izuku Midoriya and Katsuki Bakugou, Deku and Dynamight are married.

[thankchaosforspellcheck]

AU WITH SPOILERS FOR END OF ORV

Post-canon 666th turn Uriel is left alone with Oldest Dream while everyone's busy so she lets him play a dating sim game that she got from one of her former angel friends (idk if that would be a thing that could happen post canon, nor do I care).

Unfortunately, this game hits all the wrong points in OD's subconscious brain & right after he finishes the last ending, he finds himself transported to hell, just like the protagonist of Obey me! Shall we date?

Notes for this au (spoilers for Obey me: shall we date):

Since Lucifer and Michael were the same person in orv, their memories are split up accordingly. They are also extremely difficult to access because of said split causing some cognitive dissonance, making it difficult to look at OD without getting a headache.

likewise, Asmodeus in ORV is the demon of lust and wrath, meaning that his memories also get split between himself and Satan. However, unlike with Lucifer and Michael, it's not an even split (since Asmodeus didn't share Satan's name) so Asmodeus gets the majority of them (he gets more headaches too though, so it evens out).

While the headaches are suspicious, the reveal that OD's literally god would probably only happen at the end of Belphie's route, because at that point someone legit succeeds in killing Game!MC and the outer gods, who have been watching the whole time ready to intervene if necessary, Are Not Okay With That. (needless to say, OD doesn't die)

After this point, the outergods decide this game is a bit to rough for OD and they don't want him to grow into any bad habits that they know he's prone to *coughmartyringhimselfcough* but figure they should leave someone down there to fill in for him.

So they go rouse The Demon Lord of Salvation, Heir to The Underworld, and the guy that hasn't been seen in hell for over 1,000 years: KIM DOKJA (late-20s burnt out salaryman edition).

(why didn't they recognize him? Well I could go on about OD having different vibes and being 15 & everything, but tbh it's mainly because KDJ still has that fucking censorship bar & it's been 1000 years since anyones seen him so they just fucking. Didn't remember.)

KDJ had a fun time for a bit getting retconned into the story but missed his family got bored so he just fucked off back to his universe the second his story-required duties were finished (he didn't actually get married to have Diavalo btw its a biyoo situation)

So now the entirety of Devildom has to get used to an entirely new type of chaos (as KDJ no longer has to even vaguely stick to the script)

[twh-news]

'Loki' Star Sophia Di Martino on the Season 1 Finale, Working With Jonathan Majors and What She Knows About Season 2

[Editor's note: The following contains spoilers through the Season 1 finale of Loki, "For All Time. Always."]

Since her introduction at the end of Episode 2, Sophia Di Martino's depiction of Sylvie, the female variant of Loki introduced midway through her campaign of vengeance against the TVA, has been a defining aspect of Disney+'s Loki. And, as we learned in the season finale, the story of Loki isn't over yet — though what's in store is pretty nebulous, following Sylvie's betrayal of Loki (Tom Hiddleston) after what was their first and what might be their last kiss.

In a one-on-one conversation with Di Martino via Zoom, Collider asked about working with Jonathan Majors in his MCU debut, what it was like having both fight scenes and more romantic scenes with Hiddleston, and of course what the conversations around Season 2 have been like.

Collider: To start off, when did you have a sense that there would be a second season of Loki?

DI MARTINO: I mean, there'd been rumors for a while, but I still haven't heard officially if it's happening, like officially, officially. I only know what I know through reading the news. And I know, because you guys know, because of the tag at the end of Episode 6.

I was going to say, that feels like a pretty official thing, but it doesn't sound like anyone has shown up at your doorstep with paperwork.

DI MARTINO: No, nothing. Nothing like that.

Now, does that mean that when you watched it, were you given a full script of the sixth episode?

DI MARTINO: Yes. We got one episode at a time. So I wasn't given Episode 6 until like midway through shooting Episode 5.

So in that situation, what was your initial reaction to reading, especially like the last, say, 10 pages or so.

DI MARTINO: Just like, holy crap. This is massive. How exciting. Woof. And then also, "who's going to play He Who Remains, I need to know because it's such an amazing part and such incredible speeches he has. I wanted to imagine who would play him, but I couldn't have ever imagined the way Jonathan would have done it. So brilliant.

In terms of working with Jonathon Majors, what was that experience like? Just because I feel like he brought such a different energy to the role than I think anyone would have ever expected.

DI MARTINO: Yeah. He just exploded onto that set with so much energy and nothing like we could ever have imagined. It was a lot of fun and he was brilliant. You know, people were saying this is going to be something really special, whispering behind the camera. He was so eccentric and fun and kind of terrifying. Very easy for Tom and I to just sit and listen to him for a few days. Very entertaining.

Yeah. In rewatching the episode, it's still so striking to me the way that, after Sylvie stabs him, he makes barely any noise.

DI MARTINO: Because he knows that it's a possibility, I think. So maybe he's had a long time to sort of imagine every scenario. Yeah. It's kind of creepy, isn't it? The way he does that.

When you were breaking down the script for Episode 6, were you talking about Kang the Conqueror? Were you talking about the comic book backstory there?

DI MARTINO: I don't remember talking about the comic book backstory of Episode 6. But you know, to be honest, it was all very quick. Especially with Episode 6, we got the script pretty late in the day. So there wasn't that much mining to be done, to be honest. I'm not sure about Jonathan's experience, but for me, it was sort of pretty late in the day, just in the case of learning my lines and trying to make sure I didn't mess that up.

Of course — and it makes sense in terms of where your character is coming from.

DI MARTINO: Exactly. So I just need to know at that point, I just need to know what's going on for Sylvie.

In that case, in your head, what was going on for Sylvie in those scenes?

DI MARTINO: Oh my goodness. So much. I mean, so much happens in like 30 seconds. Doesn't it?

Definitely. But even before the final sequences, it's very dialogue-heavy and there's a lot of listening. In playing that, what was important for you?

DI MARTINO: To really listen and to really take on board what he was saying to us at that point, and then to choose not to believe him. For Sylvie, she's just on a revenge mission from the minute she walks into that building, she knows that she wants to kill someone. When they're in the elevator with him, she's already taking swipes at him. She just wants to get him with her machete. And I think she's just so laser-focused on that goal, that he could have said anything to her and her priority wouldn't have changed.

So you don't think there was ever a moment in that whole sequence where Sylvie was tempted, not tempted by the possibilities presented, but tempted to believe him?

DI MARTINO: I think there's a moment that he really pushes Sylvie's buttons when he's talking about you have been on a long journey and it's been really tough for you, hasn't it? And you can't trust anyone. You think you can trust him. And he starts playing mind games with them, playing them off against each other. And I think at that point, he plants a seed of doubt in her mind about Loki, but I think her mission to want to kill him doesn't change. She's absolutely married to that idea. And that feeling is so strong that she chooses it over Loki in the end.

From your perspective, where does that come from?

DI MARTINO: Just revenge. Like having her life taken away from her, her life ruined, spending her whole life on the run, this sort of anger. And if you want to think of it in these terms, her "glorious purpose." I went there.

I don't think you got to say those words during the show, so I'm glad you got this moment now.

DI MARTINO: Yeah. I'm saying it as much as I can now.

Later in the episode, this wasn't the first time you had a fight sequence with Tom Hiddleston, but did it feel different from the episodes you shot earlier?

DI MARTINO: Yeah, it did. This scene was far more emotive. There was a lot more going on for both of them. It was the breakup scene. It was the fight that you have when you are leaving someone. And it's so painful because you care about this person, but you just can't be with them for whatever reason. And that's how that felt.

Which is so interesting because of course what happens at the end of it is that there's a kiss and it's given the whole big Hollywood romantic music treatment.

DI MARTINO: Yeah. I mean, but that often happens when you're splitting up with someone, doesn't it? Just one last time, a sweet goodbye. It's kind of like a goodbye kiss in a way.

Of course. But it was also, unless I'm missing something, the first kiss.

DI MARTINO: Yeah. It was. And it had been building up for a long, long time. I think it was ultimately a goodbye kiss and a clap away for Sylvie to physically turn him around so she could get hold of that TemPad and zap him back to the TVA.

Yeah, of course. In terms of that, in general, I feel like there's a temptation to just kind of look at the Loki and Sylvie relationship as a straightforward romance, which of course it is very much not. From your perspective, what was it about that you worked hard to lean into.

DI MARTINO: I think it's about sort of self-love and acceptance as well as being a romance story. And for Sylvie, she's sort of shedding everything she doesn't need before she gets to He Who Remains so she can kill him. She gets rid of her cape, she gets rid of her horns. She ultimately gets rid of Loki. It's just not serving her in that moment. And it's so cold to think of it that way. But I think that's what was happening. That and the fact that she wanted him to be safe. So, she's kind of saving him by pushing him through that time door as well.

And if you're going to think of it as like an exploration of self-acceptance and self-love, that's also interesting because she showed sort-of, I don't know, getting rid of a part of herself that isn't serving her anymore at the same time as keeping it safe.

It's really interesting to hear you talk about it that way, because it makes me think about how the one thing that came out, especially I think in Episode 5, is the idea that knowing Sylvie made Loki a better person in some fundamental ways. And I'm wondering about the opposite of that. What did knowing Loki mean for Sylvie?

DI MARTINO: I think it's slightly different for Sylvie. I don't know if he's made her a better person. I don't know if she's allowed herself to change yet. Loki's been quite brave and he's changed. He's a changed person by the end of that series. Sylvie is still hell-bent on her mission and she still chooses it over caring about someone else. So maybe she's yet to make that change.

So in talking about the scene like it's a breakup... Season 1 ends with the characters being very separated and of course, Season 2 is very much a nebulous thing at the moment, but people break up all the time and get back together. In your head, do you see there being still some sort of future for the characters as a couple?

DI MARTINO: It would definitely be fun to see them in the same room together again, wouldn't it? I'm fascinated. Yeah. After that, I'm fascinated to see what Loki has to say to Sylvie after doing that to him. Who knows? Never say never. I'm really excited to see what they come up with because it could go in so many different directions, but surely they have to come face to face again at some point.

It's like that awkward party after you've broken up with someone and you see them again. And that first conversation, whether it's in public or not, it's sorts of awful, but such a relief once it's been done.

Something that's been kind of a topic of discussion when it comes to talking about romance on screen is a quality that a lot of leading men have — for lack of a better term, the ability to give their love interest a Look. I've consulted with others and we feel like Tom Hiddleston has the look or has the ability to deliver the look. And I'm curious what it's like to be on the other side of it.

DI MARTINO: Tom's a very charming man and he could definitely make people go weak at the knees by just giving them a look. My reaction to that is always to sort of make a joke and run away. So there was probably a lot of that on set, breaking the tension by being a goofball.

I just had to react as Sylvie. And Sylvie's got these walls up. She doesn't let anyone in and that includes Loki. So sure there's a sort of, oh, this person is not as I thought they were. I'm warming to them. But Sylvie's not an easy nut to crack.

Is it fun getting to play that kind of strength?

DI MARTINO: Yeah. It's awesome because when her defenses do come down and she's vulnerable, it's really interesting. And you start to see all of the stuff that's buried underneath and that's what makes her a great character to play.

So, how do you feel about there being a second season? Do you feel like if there hadn't been a second season, you would have gotten the closure you wanted to from the story?

DI MARTINO: Probably not. I want to know what happens just like everyone else. I'm super excited and I just can't wait to see which direction they're going because it could be infinite directions.

Do you have a sense that there might've been different aspects to it, had COVID not been an issue?

DI MARTINO: I think COVID actually probably made it a lot better. We had a five months hiatus and Kate and the producers and writers worked a lot on episodes five and six during that time. And as far as I've heard, a lot changed for the better. They could rewatch what we'd already shot and just carry on working on the scripts and developing them. So I think it was great to have that time actually, as awful in most ways it was, that was the silver lining of it.

Very. Yeah. So looking forward, I imagine if there's a second season, you're on board if you get asked.

DI MARTINO: Hopefully. Hope so.

By the way, I was really excited to see the story about how your costume was designed to allow you to breastfeed during shooting. That seems like it was a really special detail.

DI MARTINO: Yeah, really, really. I'm just so grateful that that happened. It made my life so much easier and it was important to me that I carried on doing that. So it was just the little things and it's just saved a lot of time. Practically, it was a godsend.

Of course. So looking forward, what's next for you?

DI MARTINO: Lots of interviews. Lots of being able to talk about episode six finally, and then, who knows? An infinite possibility. So yeah, I'm excited to see what happens and to see people's reactions to the series because people are still catching up. People are still watching and rewatching it and probably go on.

Yeah. I mean, I imagine that you're going to be cosplayed at various conventions over the next several decades probably.

DI MARTINO: Do you think? That blows my mind.

I mean, cosplaying has a long legacy to it.

DI MARTINO: It's so cool. The way that people are already making Sylvie horns and crafting them from scratch and spraying them. And there's one woman that's just sewn a whole suit together and it looks exactly like my costume. It's so impressive, the love and attention people put into it.

Are you getting an action figure?

DI MARTINO: I don't know. Hopefully. What would I do with it? Maybe I could use it as a cake topper. Who knows? But that would be a very cool thing to have, wouldn't it?

[veronicamarsconfessions]

Joel Silver, The Ruthless Producer (But He Wouldn’t Allow Logan To Be Killed)

This blog talks a lot about Joel Silver and his influence on pop culture (especially his role in Veronica Mars). He is well known as one of the “Bosses From Hell” in Hollywood and yet he is the lesser evil from other producers like Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin. Which is not a compliment whatsoever. But he is known as very protective with his assets such as his TV shows.

It is surprising that we hardly heard about sexual misconduct allegations against women/men (yet) especially during this decade alone. According to many, he is not interested that much in sexual hedonism as he is more concerned with being on top of the food chain. He is a married flamboyant producer who is deeply serious about his investments. He is always at the movie/tv set, watching everything like a hawk, making sure that everything is working accordingly. He dislikes unprofessional behavior from actors or showrunners, and most of the time, he just loathes writers. “Writers sometimes don’t know what works and what’s not. I don’t care if you are a brilliant writer, but I know better than anyone else in this business.”

That is the young Joel Silver, playing a frustrated director named Raoul in the movie 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'. According to interviews, Raoul was based on himself but more tamer.

Joel Silver was a type of producer who likes to change a lot of the source materials, to the chagrin of the creators. Many just saw him as this tough guy producer who is very meticulous and wants the job done properly. Sources said that he liked to yell a lot, but hardly physical towards his employees (unlike Scott Rudin).

This is why it was so shocking that he and Rob Thomas had a fistfight argument at the Veronica Mars set. Rob must’ve pissed him off so bad that he resolved to a fistfight. According to a TVGuide interview, Rob said that Joel wanted to have Tara Reid as Trina Echolls and Paris Hilton to be put in the show as a guest star while promoting the House of Wax movie. Rob hated the idea and Joel didn’t take it lightly. Their brawl was reported to many blogs and forums back then.

Joel was frustrated and furious that Rob was adamant about his vision, citing that he knows more about what works and what’s not in the industry, and that includes casting and storylines. Rob insisted that Veronica should be with the love of her life, which was Duncan Kane. Both Joel and Rob head-butted about this because Joel knew that Logan was more a compatible and popular character than Duncan. Not liking the idea of being blackballed all the time, Rob wrote Logan as insufferable in season 2, hoping that fans would turn against the character.

The plan backfired as the fans at the time rejected Duncan instead. Diane Ruggiero even admitted that they were reading the feedbacks especially from Television Without Pity and she said that they didn’t have a choice but to get rid of Duncan. At the time, they also didn’t know whether the show was going to be renewed or not in season 3, especially during the merger between UPN and WB to form The CW. The fans’ voice was clear: they wanted LoVe (Logan & Veronica) to be together. This didn’t bode well with Rob, but the fans (and Joel) have spoken. He finally got rid of Duncan by sending him off to Australia with his baby. And that was it, the end. Logan and Veronica got back together.

But season three came, and another obstacle came in a form of Dawn Ostroff (the president of CW) who wanted some changes in the show for the network to be more teen-friendly. Gone the whole Noir and mystery style, they focused more on the white teen drama and a love triangle. At this moment, Joel decided to stay behind the scene. He was no longer hovering, he had other projects, other money to pursue. He still co-owned Veronica Mars. But he was no longer involved much.

When Veronica Mars was canceled, Joel immediately snatched Jason Dohring - he approached Jason "out of the blue” and said, “There's a role, and I'm making it younger". Joel offered the main role of the CBS vampire procedural series Twilight to Jason before it was changed into Moonlight. Jason read two pages of the script featuring Josef Kostan and was interested in the character's "dark" and "sharp" personality. Jason had to go through the normal audition process and was not sure he would have gotten the role without Joel Silver, who had "pushed it through to the end". Joel noticed very early that Jason had a main protagonist charisma so he fought for him to be cast as Josef Kostan. Jason’s performance was praised by many critics and fans alike as this sarcastic manipulative vampire. Unfortunately, the writing of the show was atrocious and the rating was abysmal because of the Writers Guild strike and they had to hire ghostwriters to keep going. After one season, Moonlight was canceled and it was another money down the drain for Joel.

When the idea of a movie was pitched, Joel said the movie would NEVER HAPPEN. “There are no fans for this market. Sales of DVDs and merchandise are nonexistent.” Joel was thinking as a producer; no sales for the merchandise = no fans, which is wrong, obviously. But that was the way many producers thinking at the time, and still are. After his company severing ties with the Warner Brothers, Joel was no longer interested in any mention of the Veronica Mars movie. Knowing that Joel would not approve of the Kickstarter, Rob and KBell decided to go straight to Warner Bros head honcho Kevin Tsujihara and asked for a chance to get a Veronica Mars movie funded by the fans. The movie then was made, and Joel was proven wrong for this particular moment.

Sharks however started to circling Veronica Mars movie - a lot of producers started to take an interest in the Kickstarter when they found out that it became successful and a phenomenon — notorious producer Harvey Weinstein wanted to grab the rights of Veronica Mars and he boasted that he could make it more successful under his Miramax banner. But his rival, Joel Silver, wouldn’t have any of it. Joel might not be responsible with the Kickstarter, but he sure the hell would burn a swimming pool first before Miramax steals VMars.

Rob and Joel have a “good work” relationship - they definitely aren't friends in real life, but most of the time they avoid each other except in public events and red carpets. Their relationship is mostly being tolerant of each other. Joel didn't even bother to come to the Veronica Mars movie red carpet even though he was the executive producer of the movie and this franchise was a part of his life. Many thoughts for him not attending the red carpet were to avoid any embarrassment because he said that there were no fans of Veronica Mars. If it was allowed, Rob would say ‘fuck you’ to Joel as he strutted on the red carpet during the premiere of the Veronica Mars movie at the Chinese Theater.

However, when HULU took an interest in a VMars miniseries, Rob asked Joel for a favor, which is to get Kristen Bell to work around NBC The Good Place contract. As HULU is a part of Viacom and also an umbrella company for CBS and CW where VMars reside, technically she couldn't and was not allowed to be working with a rival company. So Joel helped Rob by calling the NBC president Noah Oppenheim to lend Kristen Bell to HULU temporarily. No words or interview about how Joel thinks about season 4 and how they killed off Logan Echolls; a character he protected during his reign back then. It is obvious if he was in charge of Veronica Mars season 4, he would scold Rob Thomas for killing the Golden Goose or maybe already stopping him before it happened. He might have a soft spot for Jason Dohring himself, calling him a “talented actor but too quiet for this industry”.

Joel Silver seems to have moved on from Veronica Mars and its tumultuous relationship within. He has a bigger problem than handling a franchise that has crashed and burned because it flew too close to the sun; namely being sued for the death of an assistant and the fact that he was kicked out from his own company (Silver Pictures) by the company CFO Daryl Katz, and also he is a bit struggling with financial means. But no matter what, Joel Silver was a part of Veronica Mars with its complicated history. And he definitely has no problem keeping going - after all, he is one of the notorious bosses in Hollywood.

[ye4gerismarchives]

the bachelorette: after the final rose

an: the bachelorette is finally over. writing this was…wow. interacting with my followers was so fun😭 i hope to do so again in the future. do enjoy this and take a look at the poll at the end. my requests will be opening up again! feel free to drop something :)

tags: black, fem reader

taglist: @taybird

The day after your wedding, you and Jean found yourselves in Bora Bora. Once you landed, you and Jean settled down for a moment. Your ideal plan was to unpack, get something to eat at the hotel you were in and probably go to sleep. Jean had different plans in mind. As you unpacked your suitcase, he kept massaging your shoulders. His hands moved down your arms and you didn't protest. Y'all, I don't write smut. Give me a few years and I'll write everything that when down.

Despite getting married on television and the whole world knowing, you and Jean never saw yourself as a married couple. It was more like dating to you guys. There were times he's walked out on you because you were too "emotional" and you've walked out on him because he was too "sensitive". But you always found your way back to each other.

During the week of your first "wedding" anniversary, Jean flew you out to Corfu, Greece. The first six days, he recreated your first "honeymoon" night and on the seventh day, he got on one knee again and asked you to be his wife- for real this time. You immediately said yes and threw yourself at him, toppling him over. You both landed on the restaurant floor but that didn't stop you from kissing him.

Wedding planning didn't take as long and it wasn't as hectic as it was the last time. You and Jean had decided to elope. You decided not to tell anyone, except Mikasa, that the wedding was real this time. Everyone you knew had been under the impression that you were spouses.

The day you went to court, Mikasa had been your only witness. You liked the idea of eloping. It was more intimate. No camera, no scripts. Just you and Jean.

Buying what you call a 'mansion' was not on your bingo card. Before you officially made Jean your husband, you had lived in a penthouse that Levi owned. You thought it was perfect- there was enough space for you and Jean. However, it was time to put your big boy pants on.

The outside of your home looks scary. No, it was a pretty house but this was a HUGE mansion. The inside of your home was very homey, however. There were office spaces for you and Jean- which he loved because he was getting back into law again (he had to quit his job because fans and Yeagerists, Eren's "fandom", had found his place of work and harassed him in some sort of way. Jean works with an elite private firm now), a game room, an inside gym, and a sitting room. Your backyard had a pool, a cabana, a garden, and outside guest quarters.

To be perfectly honest, you both found yourself in your offices. You started your own successful wedding planning business and Jean had his cases. Sometimes you felt like a big home was a waste of time. It's not like you had people to live in it for you.

"Jean, we need to talk."

Jean had just come home from work. It was one in the morning. You were standing in front of him in one of your many bathrobes. Jean walks up to you and plants a kiss on your forehead. "What's up, babe? No hi or anything?"

"I'm afraid that you're not taking care of yourself well enough," you start. "What do you mean, baby?" Jean asks mindlessly as he removes his coat. "Oh, would you stop with the baby thing? I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you!"

Jean looks at you like you hit his mother or something. "I don't think a serious conversation includes you raising your voice at me," he answers. "Excuse me? Your thick head doesn't like to listen to anyone, so we got to yell things into it," you retort. Jean ignores you and makes his way to the kitchen. You're eyes widen- he's never walked away from you before. "Excuse me!” you call after him.

There is no response from Jean, who pulls a white wine from the fridge. "You're not drinking that. Not until you hear me out," you try again. "Well, you could have told me instead of chewing me out about calling you 'baby', y/n," Jean responds. He turns away from you again and starts looking through the cabinets for a wine glass. You take this as an opportunity to take the wine off the island counter and pour it out. Jean's head snaps back once he hears liquids going down the drain. "What the hell is your problem? I can't drink now?!" he snaps.

"I'm worried about you, idiot. You come home late, I never hear you eating, you don't take your double showers and you're always exhausted. You don't think your job is hurting you? I don't even see you anymore. Your job is hurting us!" you cry.

Jean shakes his head and mutters some nonsense under his breath before placing the wine glass he picked on the island counter. He shakes his head as he leaves.

"Are you gonna be like this when the baby is here?" You call out.

"Excuse me?"

"Are you going to be working long hours and act like a jerk when I'm farther along? What about when the baby gets here? At this point, the baby doesn't even have a father."

Jean walks over to you with confusion in his eyes. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm pregnant, Jean," you say with a small chuckle. I've wanted to tell you this whole time but you've been busy and I just got fed up tonight because I miss you."

Jean doesn't say a word. Instead, he undoes your robe and places a hand on your stomach. "We're having a baby? Are you serious? Us? How..."

You could only smile wider. Seeing Jean in awe about your very small bump was an entertaining sight.

"I'll...I'll talk to my b-boss. In fact, I-I'll q-quit my job...yeah! I'll q-quit!" he finally lets out.

"Oh no, don't do that. Just get your hours fixed and if they don't allow that, we'll find a different place, yeah?"

"S-sure," Jean stutters. "Are you hungry? Would you like me to order something? Do you want socks? What do you want?"

"I think I want you to take a bath and for you to sleep, mister," you answer. Jean still in a trance, obeys.

"I can't believe we had two. I was under the impression there was only one."

"At least they'll keep the big room you painted busy."

Jean had one of your newborns sprawled on his bare chest. You cradled the other one in your arms. A little boy and girl. Your daughter, Maia, already had Jean wrapped around her finger. Your son, Marquis, was a little independent, despite being a few days old.

"I can't believe we made them," Jean says. After your emergency C-section, Jean was back into that trance he was in when you first told him you were pregnant. "We should have one more. We have pretty babies."

"Shut up, Jean."

You never thought you'd allow a camera in your sight again. Obviously, there was the paparazzi that hounded you and your children down on the regular. But a camera allowed by you in your home? Never. Until today.

It's been seven years since you met the love of your life. You're thirty now and Jean is thirty-two. The two little menaces in your home are three. Maia and Marquis were just like their father- silly and full of life unless otherwise. But at least they look like you (except the pieces of ash brown in their hair that they picked up from Jean). You were pregnant with another. You hoped that your child would bring you peace but even if they were as colorful as your two, it wouldn't matter to you.

You sat in the family room with Jean and your twins as the camera team prepared their cameras and other equipment. Jean was trying his best to keep your children in one place, as you adjust your hair.

"Ms. y/n, are you ready?" Your interviewer asks. You nod and Jean gives you a nervous look. "Hey, kids...why don't you go into the sitting room. We'll come get you later, yeah?" you say softly. Your twins start to whine but they also start their walk to the sitting room.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kirstein, I'll count you off now," your cameraman says. You both nod, waiting for the interviewer to start asking you questions.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kirstein, I'll count you off now," your cameraman says. You both nod, waiting for the interviewer to start asking you questions.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kirstein, it's such an honor to meet you both. Seven years together...amazing. You've been together for almost a decade now," your interviewer starts.

"It's been interesting but it's been nice getting to know my girlfriend of seven years now," Jean says jokingly. "Oh stop it," you reply teasingly.

"How have you changed since the Bachelorette?"

You take a deep breath and Jean looks down awkwardly. "Well, we've been cautious. Obviously, with our privacy but also with the people we allow in our circle," you answer. "We've been in contact with a few contestants and it's been on and off. We've learned that trust is key...not only in marriage but who we bring into it," Jean says.

"If you don't mind me asking, who is in your life right now? Have you been in contact with your father? What about Levi?"

Jean clinches his fist and you take it in your hand, letting him know you were still here with him. "Well, Bertholdt and Reiner are still one of our biggest friends," you answer. Reiner and Bertholdt had a baby recently, a little girl named Gabi, but you decided not to announce that to protect their privacy. "Mikasa and I are still friends and we're still trying to get used to Eren being in her-our lives." Mikasa and Eren met up again and Mikasa was still head over heels for him. You were uncomfortable (because of his silence when his fans harassed your husband) at first but he was good to her. "The twins absolutely adore Levi and Erwin. They're their grandpas," you finish. You still hadn't answered the question about Jean's father.

"And your father? Mr. Kirstein?"

"My father is not in my life. Please stop asking."

The interviewer purses their lips, now feeling embarrassed. “I apologize, Mr. Kirstein. I’ll ask the next question: what are some obstacles you’ve faced in your relationship?”

“Well, we thought we had communication down. But we didn’t…at least not completely. But we managed,” you say.

“I think our children are proof of it,” Jean suddenly includes.

You glare at him and slap his hand, non verbally telling him to shut up. He only gives you a cheeky smile.

The rest of the questions were about hardships, what turned you both on, and your hopes for the future.

When the interviewer finally announced that the last question was coming up, you couldn’t have been happier.

“What are three things you appreciate about each other?”

You look at Jean and then back at the interviewer. “Er-well…I-“

“I appreciate how serious you get,” Jean interrupts, “ how kind you are and how dedicated you are- especially to your children and your career. I wouldn’t want anyone else but you.”

“Jean-“ your voice cracked. It always seemed like you had power over your husband and he was just your dog but he still knew how to overpower you with his words. “I don’t know what to say…you’re so dedicated to our family. Watching you play with our kids, feed them, and put them to sleep- you just prove that you're the perfect man for this job. I see how you treat your mom and I don’t worry about our children and me being mistreated. And you’re so strong. You lost the person who should have been there for you and your mom but you still worked hard and you found some peace. I love you, Jean Kirstein.

Jean takes your hand and kisses it. “I love you too, y/n l/n.”

The End.

once again, thank you for reading the bachelorette! do me a favor and rate this series! it would be very much appreciated :) see y’all soon

[fuckingfuckityfuck]

First

A/N: Originally,this was supposed to be a story but then my drafts got deleted idek why or how.I tried to write it the way how I remembered it.Let me know your thoughts on this one.✨

Pairing/s : Jeffrey Dean Morgan x reader, Negan x reader

Warning/s: mentions of sex

Tomorrow will be my second week portraying one of Negan's wives on the walking dead.

My first scene was easy.I had one line and that was it.The rest was either me walking around or sitting pretty.

Jeffrey made sure that I was comfortable with him.That's why he decided to have sessions with me before doing the actual scenes.And you were fine with it.

The other casts and staffs were very friendly and fun to work with.They welcomed me with big open arms into their family.

Since this was your first ever show,Kirkman thought it would be fun experimenting with your character.

You knew how wild his imagination was and you were pretty excited with how your character is going to be portrayed.

He wanted your character to be lively and very sarcastic.He wanted you to have that power over Negan.Your character is Negan's favorite wife.

At first,it was hard to act intimidating infront of Jeffrey.Hell,you were intimidated by him.

A knock on the door pulled you away from your thoughts.I stood up and opened the door to see Jeffrey standing there with papers in his hands.

"Time for rehearsals?" He said and I mentally face palmed myself.

"Oh god." I muttered.

Jeffrey chuckled and patted my shoulders.

"I see,you're not the only one stressed out here.Angela wanted to know if you're fine with our next scene." He asked.

And I totally forgot the most important thing.My love making scene with Jeffrey will be tonight.

"What's wrong with me and my memory today.I totally forgot that it's today." I said and Jeffrey laughed.

"I feel like you're the old one here and not me." He joked and I nervously laughed.

"Why don't we get inside and start our rehearsal?That way we can discuss our scene?" Jeffrey continued and I nodded at his suggestion,which is good.

Mostly,for our scenes,I just follow his lead.I told him that and he knows.

She couldn't believe the rage building inside her.She wasn't acting like herself but she couldn't stop the words coming out from her mouth.

For some reason,she wanted to test how far Negan would go.

Twirling around to grab the door knob,she heard a slam on the table.

"Don't you even fucking dare leave this room without fixing the shit you caused" Negan angrily said in a loud voice.

Holy shit,calm yourself y/n.Just like you practiced,you will be fine.

Breathing heavily,you slowly turned around to see Negan glaring up at you.

"Can't you just let me go?You said it yourself that if we don't feel like we belong here anymore,then we can just go.There are walkers everywhere,Negan." You said in a low voice,not wanting to increase the tension building between you two.

"That's the real threat,not me walking away from your overprotective and jealous ass.I just don't get why you have to punish every single man who comes across me?It's not like I'll cheat on you or anything." You continued explaining to him.

It was starting to frustrate you everytime you hear someone gets a hot iron on their face or a lash on their back just because Negan apparently saw them checking you out.

"I don't even know if this is marriage to you,it clearly isn't one.We're supposed to be partners.Not you owning me,telling me to just be here when I fully know that I can be out there too.Earlier,what I did,I had to prove to myself that I can do it too.And I did." You said and saw his eyes soften a little bit.

Slowly,Negan stood up from the couch and went to stand in front of you.

You felt his hand on your chin,tilting your head up so he could look at your face.

You saw his eyes glimmer with humor and lust?

"So you want us to be like a normal married couple?Not this apocalyptic survival mode marriage?Do I have to bring you breakfast in bed?" Negan mumbled and you wanted to punch him right there and then.

"I can't even talk to you properly.You always have these crazy ass jokes.Am I a joke to you?"

"Oh kitten,you are not a joke to me.You are my lifeline.Jokes aside,i also happen to love your pussy.Which brings me to ask,what time does your pussy open?" Negan said as he put his hand on your waist,pulling you closer to him.You giggled and looked up at him.

And that's where you lost it.You pulled his face and kissed him hungrily.Following the script,Jeffrey held your face between his hands.You felt his tongue on your lips,asking for permission.

You moaned out when you felt his hand on your waist,going lower to your ass.

Negan growled when he felt your hand on his growing bulge.He missed her like hell.

Being able to do this with her after being gone for weeks makes him want to slam his dick in her wet pussy right there and then.

But he needs to feel her,touch her,savor every inch of her body that he missed.

"God,i fucking miss this,kitten." Negan mumbled while trying to unclasp your bra.

With one movement,he pulled down your bra,leaving your chest bare for him to see.

Negan wasted no time and went to suck one of your boobs,his left hand playing with the other one.Your hands are tugging at his hair,feeling a wet sensation pooling between your legs.

"Negan,please" You moaned out,forcing him down to your legs.

Jeffrey looked up at you,at that moment,you didn't know what to feel when you saw his face.You wanted to pounce on him,feel him between you,slamming his huge dick in a hard thrust of his hips.You totally forgot that you were just filming a scene.

"I love it when you say my name like that,makes me want to ram my big,fat,juicy cock inside your wet little cunt.Do you want that?" Negan growled while fondling with the hem of your panties.

You nodded,not having the voice to speak out.You just wanted to lay down and let him have his way on you.

"Fuck,you're already dripping wet on my fingers and that's just me playing with your delicious breasts" Negan said as he put one finger inside of you.

Good lord,as much as you wanted him to pounce on you,there were people everywhere.You can feel everyone's eyes at the both of you.But here's Jeffrey not even caring about anyone.

"Cut! Next scene we'll have you lay down on Negan's bed.Take a break for 30 minutes." Greg yelled using a microphone.

People shuffled around,leaving you and Jeffrey alone.

"That was hot"Jeffrey said as he threw you a bathrobe while putting his over his body.

You rolled your eyes and chuckled.

"I hope i looked fine.I feel like my hair's everywhere.We still have to do the main scene and that's where I'm worried most." You said.

Jeffrey shook his head."You look absolutely stunning with your hair all over the place.You look like you're about to get fucked"

You sighed.

It was hard to pretend that it's not affecting you,but it does.Every scene that you do with him,gets harder for you.You just hoped that no one would notice.Even Jeffrey.

masterlist

[unqueenlybiscuits]

K-pop hates your nasally tone.

fuck you and your cow

You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

   You don't mess with the Zohan!  Come disco.  No, no, no.I no disco, I make the fish.  Danny, come on, go disco.  Oh, okay. Disco!  Danny, that looks good. You're gonnabe a hit at your bar mitzvah.  So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,I no see you disco.  No, no, no. I making dagim.I no disco.  A real man, he can discoand cooking dagim.  So let's go.  Go, go.  I get the hummus for you.  And for you.  Little for me, eh!  No.  No.  Kapara, what is going on!  Just some bullshit-uchen.  Let's go!  Hey, I'm on vacation here.Can't you see this!  You promised me time off.Get someone else to do it.  Are they gonna hurt him!  No one can hurt the Zohan.  - Bye, Zohan.- Take care, man.  The terrorist known as Phantom...  ...was spotted yesterday at aHacky Sack tournament in Beirut.  He may be have been trying tobait us by surfacing briefly.  We believe he's being kept in a safehouse on the Lebanon border.  How is we lose Phantom!  Didn't I capture Phantomthree months ago!  What, you didn't hearabout the trade!  What trade!  Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.  No!  What do you mean,we give back the Phantom!  Zohan, relax.  It was a good trade.We got back Etan and David.  That's all we gotfor a veteran terrorist!  Come on, we got hosed here.  They threw in a spyto be named later.  Come on, Zohan,you have to like that deal.  Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.  Ze'ev.Come on, he's not even a good spy.  He got caught, for God's sake.He's a stupid.  Our plan is to enter the building fromthe front with a team of eight men...  ...with an additional 12 menat perimeter positions.  Unfortunately, there is a highprobability of collateral damage...  ...including property and loss of life,on both sides.  Okay, here we go.  Excuse me!  Come on, is it not saferto send one man into building...  ...with minimal coverageto take out the target...  ...instead of blowing uphalf the neighborhood!  Well, who would do that!  Oh, "who would do that!"  You know you weregoing to ask the Zohan.  Zohan, why you say this!  I just laid out an entire planwhich didn't rely on you.  Come on, Yaron,you're setting me up.  All this talk of civilian casualties,then of course I end up doing it.  - But I'm not even asking you to do it.- All right, I'll do it.  Give me Avi and Koby as watch,I'll get it done without the mess.  Well, thank you. You didn't have to.  Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.  Have some Fizzy Bubblech.  "Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.  "Avalon."  Chunky cuts.  Zohan, what are you doing!The girls are here.  I know, I was watching television.  Well, if you want to have fun with us,we're right next door.  - Good with the sticky, you should do it.- No, no, no.  I am going to dinner with my parents.Just leave me alone.  - All right, all right.- It is all right!  You don't giggle at the Zohan.  You hear me!No giggling at the Zohan.  You never giggle at the Zohan.  What's the matter, tatele?  You haven't touchedyour baba ganoush.  What would you think if I tell you...  ...I want to leaving the army,start a new life!  Why would you do that!You are good at it. It's steady pay.  You can't leave,you're one of their best.  Besides, you are too oldto take a risk.  Stay in the army, play it safe.  There's other things I can dobesides war.  You don't war.  - I was in the real war.- I know, I know the story.  1967.  We were surrounded on all sides,outnumbered.  - And in six days, we...- And in six days, we won.  You won. I'm sorry,I don't have a big, fancy war...  ...that lasted all of six days...  Six days and five hours.Your generation likes to forget that.  Dad, I've done so muchfor the country. When does it end!  They've been fighting for 2000 years.It can't be much longer.  All of my friends servedthe minimum three years.  Why can't I move on!Do something else.  Something more creative.  Creative, what!  You've caught so many terrorists,it's an art.  You're like Rembrandtwith a grenade.  What will you do!  Maybe go to America.  What, and haggle overstereo equipment!  Wait a minute, Ya'acov.  Uncle Levi will set you upat electronic store.  You make money, sow yourcreative oats, you come back.  No, I don't want to doelectronics store.  Then how will you make money!  I don't want to say.  Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,who can you tell!  Come, Zohanele.  I want to cut...  ...and style hair.  You... You fagala?  He's fag... Faga...  I like hair. It's pleasant,it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.  Well, you're only diggingthat fagala hole deeper and deeper.  Hello, down there!Hello, in the fagala hole.  Maybe he wants Vaseline.  Yes, it's so funny.  I just want to make peoplesilky smooth.  You know the Phantom will try to run,so be ready for this.  - Zohan, now!- So let's go.  The Zohan.  Freeze!  I get it, I get it,you guys don't like our country.  So we are the bad ones.  I'd love to sit and discuss thiswith you, but I'm short on time.  I'm just saying.It's not so cut-and-dry.  We settled herefor hundreds of years!  Good point.  None of my ancestors ever steppedfoot in this land. No, you're right.  Hey, don't walk away!  Come out, come out,wherever you are.  Hello, jackass.  You think you can oppress my people,landgrabber!  But I will never disappear.  No one can catch Phantom!  So let's go.  Very good.  Sorry. It's for the cause.  Zohan.  Zohan, bring it.  Why you do this! I feel no pain.  No, no, no. I feel no pain.  - I feel no pain. This is too much...- No, no, no. I feel no pain.  I have told you in other fights.  No, no, no. I kill you right now.  Look, look, look.  The piranha,it looks very painful for you.  Is good, is good.  Is very nice. Yes, yes.  Fizzy Bubblech for me.  You like what you see!  Time to die.  So let's go.  Okay, game over.  Yeah!  I kill!  I kill the Zohan!  Zohan is dead.  The Phantom!  Cutting the hair,this makes something beautiful.  Instead of shooting it.  That's why I had to fake to die.  I could have captured Phantom again,but for what! They trade him.  I love my country,but the fighting, it never ends.  It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.  Coco, you bite him back.  Soon you are both having worms,eating your own poopech...  I understand. The pills.  Your parents thinkthey know what's best for you.  Sleep.  It's all about not getting recognized.  I know how great I lookedin the beard...  but I'll make this work for me,you'll see.  Rise and shine, guys.Good morning.  Is nice, huh!  It's the Avalon.  It says I care about the way I look,but I'm still approachable.  Oh, you like this!  Who wants to go next, guys!Who wants to look silky smooth!  Yes. Yes.  Oh, where are my two little babies!Oh, come on.  Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.  Mr. Scrappy. Coco.What happened!  Who gave you permissionto do this, huh!  Who did! Answer me.  Scrappy, was it you!It was you, wasn't it!  You're always the instigator.  Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.Never again are you gonna travel.  Take me to the Paul Mitchellhair salon.  - First time in New York!- Yes, my friend.  So, what brings you here!  I have a dream.  I had a dream too.  What dream you have!  My dream was to come to America...  ...and make enough moneyto send for me brothers and sisters...  ...so that we all could enjoyfreedom together.  - This is good dream.- Oh, yes, it is.  - Is dream come true!- No, man.  Me brothers and sisterswere hacked to death.  But I love the Chinese food here.It's incredible.  - Hey, you forgot these.- Those are for you, my friend.  Good morning for you.I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.  And who are you!  Scrappy Coco.I am here to take a job from him.  He isn't in right now.  That's good. So I will wait, then.  You know what! I'll takeone Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.  You know,he actually doesn't come in too often.  Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,so let's go.  - I am the best.- The best at what!  All of this. The cutting, the styling,the making it silky smooth.  I wanna know who cuts your hair.  Oh, you like this, eh!  This is the Avalon,straight from the Paul Mitchell book.  I haven't seen that stylesince Luke married Laura.  Sister, are you this Laura!  You tell Paul Mitchell,Scrappy Coco was here to see him.  If I find out he was here...  ...or you are keeping himhidden from me...  ...I will destroy you.  Believe me this.  What the hell was this, champ!I'm not paying for that!  This asshole cut me off,made me swerve into you!  With all due respect,I was in the bicycle lane.  You came like a madman.Be glad nobody was hurt.  I mean, somebody could've died.I mean, you came...  Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.  You do not want to bethrowing bicycles.  Look, stay out of my business,Mustafa.  "Mustafa"! This is not my name.Who tells you this is my name!  Whatever.Salami, bologna, apple sauce.  Apple who!  My friend, if I were you,I would change the tone.  Avoid the pain.  Listen, go back to your goddamnedpretzel stand. We got it...  - Look what I've got. It's right here.- Please!  - I've got it.- Please, let me go.  I never work at pretzel stand.You like to insult people!  Was that your feet!  Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.  Here comes the double foot.  This is good.  Smell it, smell it, smell it.Now take it.  - That's for you.- All right, let me go!  You said you wanted pretzel!  Okay, I'm good.  Beautiful.  You want some chickens!  No, no, no. I fix for you.  It's all b'seder.  What are you, bionic!  No, no, no. I only like the girls.  Thanks, anyways.  This is ridiculous traffic.  Anyway, George insistedwe have the party.  - I always get midnight shift.- Could you keep it down, please!  I no sleep,I no see World Series Poker.  Are you even watching the road!  Be nice. He could be a terrorist.  - Why Hamdi no get no midnight!- Could you at least change the station!  - Hey, that was amazing.- Oh, yes.  Where are you from, anyway!  Where am I from!  Australia.  Really!Because you sound Middle Eastern.  No, no, no. Similar accents.  - Kangaroo. You see!- Sure.  This is ridiculous. We're getting out.  - Come on, dear.- I've been working longer than Hamdi.  - You want me to get you home!- No, I'll grab a cab.  You've done enough.That was crazy.  Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?  Oh, you know you're boning me.I don't know that.  It's you.  - What is happening!- What's happening!  It's bullshaklaga.  - We have to go.- Go where!  - I'll run you.- What are you doing!  This is legal!  Scrappy, have another kneidlach.Come on.  You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.  It reminds me of my mother's cookingin Australia.  Really!It's funny, you don't sound Australian.  Yes, no, no, no.This is because I am half Australian...  ...half Mount Everest.  So this is what you're hearing.  Well, Australia,it must be really nice there...  ...since they got rid of the apartheid.  Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.  So, Scrappy,I understand you cut hair.  I will be workingwith Mr. Paul Mitchell...  ...as soon as I find outwhere they are hiding him.  Oh, Mom, Scrappydoesn't have a place to stay yet.  - Really!- Not yet.  Well, actually,there's a nice one-bedroom...  ...that just opened up upstairs.  Nice light, not huge.  And they redid the kitchen very well.  - This could be good.- Could be good.  Could be good.  Hey, Mom,do you know where the detergent is!  - That's very good.- Oh, my God!  What! What's the matter!  What's the matter! That's my mom.  - It's okay, Michael.- I know it's your mother.  She's very beautiful.  Michael, I haven't made stickyin two days.  - What do you want from me!- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!  - Or dead!- No, Michael.  You do... What's he doing now!  Why'd that happen!Why'd that happen!  It's okay. Let me talk to him.  Oh, I can't get up.  No, no. You'll feel your legs againin two hours.  Michael.  Come on, this is nothingto feel bad about.  Me sexing your mother.  It's beautiful. It's natural.  No, I didn't bring you hometo do it with my mother.  Why not, huh!You don't want her to be happy!  Did you see her! Did you look at her!  I don't thinkI can ever look at her again.  Michael, her faceduring the big bang-boom!  You did not see!  She was glowing.  Patches. What are you...!  Michael, come on.  They'll be plenty of timefor you and me.  Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!How's this!  No, why would I wanna goto a disco tonight!  Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!  You could use a little stank.  Yes, you need your penachimto take a swim.  Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.It wouldn't hurt.  Disco, disco.Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!  Come on, you get to disco.  - All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.- Okay.  I do your mother one more time,and then we go.  - Wha...!- Seconds already!  Oh, yes.  Hey. Look at this.  This is what you need, man,to let off a little steam, huh!  How many times a day do youmake sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!  How many times a day!I've had sex once in my life.  It was at tennis camp.It was awful.  You're too picky, Michael.Maybe that's the problem.  Every weed in the desertis still a flower.  Look at this. This a big one, eh!  But look at the tits.These will bounce nice for you.  Your mother, she has huge poopeh.  I mean, very wide.  But what I see are two big, strong legswrapped around my head, squeezing.  So who wants to get somepoontachen?  - I wanna get some poontachen?- Well, let's get some. Yes.  It's good for you. Nice spinning.  This is what I'm talking about.You play this.  - I ain't playing this corny shit.- No, no.  I need to set themood for my friend.  Get out,you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  Yes, hello. Hello.  Hey, Zohan.  Who you looking for!  It's okay, no one can hear mein disco, Zohan.  Can you believe the poontachatin this place!  I'm not Zohan.My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.  What!Of course you are Zohan Dvir.  They all think you dead in Israel.I'm not going to tell.  Tell what!I don't know what you're talking about.  Zohan, it's okay.Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.  The way you took outAbdullah Meda in '94.  And when you made Melami Benazireat his own shit in '97.  I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.  So, what the fachmaare you doing here!  Come with me.  Look, I couldn't takeall the fighting anymore.  - What's it all for!- Are you crazy!  If I could blow a terroristinside out like you...  ...this is all I would do.I'd never sleep.  - This is exaggeration.- No, it's not.  You made Palami Habdallah's poodlesit on a live grenade.  - You gotta show me how you did that.- I don't remember. I was young.  So tell me the truth.Why are you in America!  I no want to tell you.  What! What! Come on.  You are the best, Zohan.Whatever you say is good.  I want to be hairdresser.  You a fagala?  I can't believe it.  A great warrior, but also a fagalawith the penachim.  No, no, no. I like hair.  Come on, man, I get you real job.  You come by my shop tomorrow.  Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!  - Everyone will recognize me.- No, you don't look like same Zohan.  You have silly haircut now.  - I have what haircut!- What!  - You say I look silly!- No, no. Who said this!  - You said this.- No, no. Nobody say nothing.  I don't need your job.  I get my own job on my ownat a big salon. You will see.  You ever cut a sister's hair before!  Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,grandpa, the whole family.  I'm good at this.  Have you ever workedwith dreads before!  This is what you do.  No more. This creature slayed.  It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.He's got me. He's got me. Okay.  Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.We got you.  And we finish him.  You back away, I take hold of him.Go! Go! Go out! Go now!  Go!  This is hair. This is hair.  Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!  A big part of our job hereis making this a fun experience.  Of course, of course.  For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,and it can be very frightening.  - I can imagine.- I don't want a haircut.  Get away from me.  Let me go.  Young man, look what I found here.  A nice balloon.  Do you want it! It's right here.  You shouldn't jump around...  ...when this nice woman'sholding a sharp pair of scissors.  If you move, she could slip andslice your jugular vein on accident.  There's no way to stitch the jugular.  All of your blood will be on the floorin four minutes.  I've seen this. I've done this.You don't want this.  Well, then, at least it's a good time toshave his neck. I would get him quick.  When I was your ageI already killed seven men.  Maybe you should grow up.  I promise you you won't regret.  And come back.  "Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.It really isn't...  It's not really Fujigawa.It's Sony guts.  - Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.  - Four-hundred fifty.- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."  No, no, no. What you going to believe,me or the ad! Four-fifty.  Hello, Going Out of Business.Can I help you!  Sony, yes. Three hundred.  Come in, yes. Very good, very good.  Hi. I represent the new ownerof this building.  Good for you. Want a birthday cake!What do you want!  Yamaha is very good.  Did you receive our letterregarding your rent!  - This I don't know.- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.  No, no, no. This is too much.  Eighty-five hundredis all we'll give you.  - This isn't negotiable. We can get...- Ten thousand, that's all.  We both go home happy.  - I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.- Okay, no deal.  You come back when youwant to deal.  - Sir, you don't understand.- Go.  What you still here for! You like me!I have girlfriend. Go.  Thank you very much.  Hey, look who's here.  Come on, not so loud.  Don't worry, Zohan.I tell you, they don't recognize you.  Yosi. This is good man.This Chocolaté Coco.  - Scrappy Coco.- Scrappy Coco.  Cooking Who-co!  Yes, yes.  So you're going out of business!  No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.Is good for business.  Yeah, so you look me up, man.That's cool.  I come for job.  Job. So you not big hairstyle!  It's not really happening for meso far.  So I am here. So let's go.  No. No job.  What do you mean!You tell me to come here.  I can no let you do this.You want to be hair homo.  No, so I do this for now.It's all yofi tofi.  Is no now.  Once you start in electronics store,you never get out.  Look at Ephraim. You see!  I don't see nothing wrong with that.It's perfect.  Ephraim came to America...  ...to be racing car driver.  But he let slip away.  I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.  Pinchas wanted to bethe next Bill Cosby.  No. Is resistant, no proof.You don't understand!  But the store kept pulling him back.  Maybe you swimming with the watch.  - I'm not swimming...- Is resistant.  Yosi wanted to be a hand model.  What, you don't like this! Look at this.This is most beautiful.  But he got too comfortable here.  Press this button, it's free HBO.  The electronics storeis a dream killer.  And I won't let the Zohankill his dream.  You are a real mensch, Oori.  You the mensch.  Come.  What! What's this!  You may not go for this,but this place cross the street...  - Yes!- They maybe take you.  - Is good place!- No, is dump, but they take you.  Is on Palestinian side of street.  Palestinian!  No, no, no.Look, nobody kill you there.  Here nobody care.  First off, no one kill me anywhere.  But Palestinian, no.  I've done enoughto my parents already.  I just want job for the Zohan.  And it kills methe way Phantom bastard...  ...getting his buttochim kissedin Palestine now.  Buttochim kissed! What's this!  He have business.  He buy wives.  Him!  They say his ugly face everywhere.  Everyone is runningTo Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen  For the food the heroes eat  Kubeh, sambouesk,Delicious muchentuchen  You never know who you'll meet  You are going to get spoiled.  Phantom Muchentuchen!  Oh, yeah!  This month,order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...  ... and get action figures fromPhantom Presents: Death to Zohan.  Unbelievable.  This animal gets to live his dream.But, me, l...  I can no work Palestinian, no.It's like... I can't do this.  Yes, you can.  Is your dream to cut hair.You want fight, or you want hair!  I want hair. But I'm scared.  Is America.You can do anything here.  You never done somethingpeople thought was impossible!  So you don't want to talk, huh!I'll make you talk.  I can do this.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  So you have never cut hair before.  I have cut my own hairand several dogs.  I have the Paul Mitchell book,I have the stamina, the desire...  But you have no trainingor experience.  Would you hire someonewith experience in something else!  In what!  Can anyone here do this!  Okay. I have never seen that.  That is very nice,but that is not going to help me.  No hands.  Besides, I have no openings.  If anything, I need to scale back...  ...since they just raised my rentthrough the roof.  Out of nowhere, some guy with a tiecomes in and tells me I need to pay.  Stop it!  I only wish to learn.  I will do whatever it takes.  Fine. You can sweep up haira few shifts a week.  - You won't be...- No pay.  No, no, no.But then, I will become stylist, yes!  That could be a while.  I will wait turn. You will see.  I will get nighttime job for money.  Soon the whole worldwill be silky smooth.  Zohan.  - Carmen Electra has the best tits now.- Oh, please.  Oh, my God.I wonder how much she paid for them.  They're so perky.  You know, leave it to herto buy the best tits.  It's always first class with that one.  You know you don't have to catchevery piece of hair as it falls.  Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.One single hair is unacceptable.  As you were.  Yes. I got this.  "Did you seethe new Kate Hudson movie!  I think she is even more vivaciousthan her mother."  Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.Now, let's practice on Michael.  Michael!Could you come in here, please!  What! What is...!  Oh, Scrappy needs to practicesmall-talking.  Can we do this another time! I havea shot at keeping my food down.  Michael, I want to practice now.  I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.Why won't you help me!  Oh, honey.You are good at everything you do.  - Got it.- Thanks.  So you're making her silky smooth,huh, Claude!  - Framing her face!- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.  This is smart.  A nice layered stylewith the soft bangs...  ...is good for a bigger womanlike this.  - Coco.- Takes the eyes off the moon face...  ...and brings it toward the titzim.  Coco.  I need to speak to you.  In private.  Private. A secret!  They will never get it out of me,I promise you.  Coco, Claude is trying to work.  Yes. He's very good.  So I am ready to cut hair today.So let's go, let's get it on.  No. Let's not go.  But I am the best.  Don't tell me you're the best.  - I have the desire, the stamina.- You've been here two days.  I run this place for five years.  I think I know when you are readyto cut hair.  Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.  No, no, no.  I do not touch thiswith your penachim.  Out of respect for the working.  No, you don't eat where you shit.  Or shit where you eat.Whatever the...  The smell is bad.  This is called a comb.  - With the fingers!- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.  - Scrappy.- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.  I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.  - Okay. All right.- I apologize.  - Take him where he wants to go.- Thank you. Okay.  - Good luck.- It will be fine.  - Your limousine has arrived, sir.- You're observant, Tyler.  Thank you, Big Mac.  I am really late for a hotel openingdowntown. The Walbridge Hotel.  I understand, sir. I know theneighborhoods inside and backwards.  - We will not let them stop us.- What!  I'm not in much of a hurry.  Oh, no.  You want some coffee back there!  No!  I will lose them.  Nobody is following us.  Oh, shit!  Have a good time, sir.  Debbie, you did a good job.  You look very bangable,Mrs. Rosen.  Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...  ...when you first came in,you looked hideous.  There was nothing attractive.  But now, I must say,my schtitzel, it's about to burst.  - It could break these any...- What are you doing!  We are talking shop.  No. No.  - Look, Coco...- What!  You need to calm down now, okay!  I don't think these customerslike the way you talk shop.  Nobody say this.  Coco, remember,respect for the workplace.  I have betrayed my salon.  He's trying to kill himself.  - Scrappy.- I deserve this.  No, no. Just... Just...  Easy on the ladies.  I didn't mind.  Take care, Mrs. Paulson.  She did not mind.  Let me disinfect the scissors...  ...so someone elsecan make someone else silky smooth.  I'll just clean up.  Rafaela's Salon.  What! No.  Debbie, she quit.  - What!- Sorry.  Claude, did you know about this!  I should have told you.  She's been looking for a new jobsince those rent guys came around.  Then why you no say nothing,little bitch!  Don't worry,I'm not giving up on this place.  You're a good guy, habibi.I just... I don't know what to do.  So let's go.  Scrappy, I have enough problemsright now.  I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.  But if you screw up...  I can't afford a screwup right now.  No, no, no. I no screw up.I am the best for the job.  Yeah, but you push and push."When is my turn"!  I have to care about salon.  - No, no, no.- No, no, no.  You care about you. And don't fightin front of the customer.  Mrs. Skitzer,I am afraid our stylist is out today.  Would you care to wait for Claude!  Does he do hair!  He's not a regular.  Well, that's fine.  She say...I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.  Okay.  You will not regret this decision.  Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.  Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.I'll take care of everything.  - Oh, thank you.- Thank you.  Sexy woman like youdeserves to be pampered.  Me, sexy! Sure.  Don't be humble.  You've got the ass and titsof a schoolgirl and you know it.  And everyone else knows this too,believe me.  Yes.  Let me get your earring off.  I love it.  Of course you do.I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.  All right, Scrappy.You can cut Debbie's clients today.  If they want you.  Thank you.  I'll get to you all soon as I'mall the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.  That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!  Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.  So who's next!  Come on, Scrappy!  Thank you, dear.  - It's a lot of speakers.- Yes. Yes.  It's orgasmic.  Oh, my God.  Oh, yes!  Grab it, Scrappy!  For you. Yes.  I give this to you.  - No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.  I'll give you stock options.I'll name a shampoo after you.  No, my loyalty is to here.I will destroy you.  I heard about this placefrom Joanne.  You have to ask for Scrappy.  Yes, is the primarycardholder present!  Excuse me!  Hello, I am callingfrom Spiegel catalogue.  Are you between the agesof 18 and 39!  We're trying to talk here.  Have you ordered from cataloguein past six months!  Could you get off the phonewhile you drive!  Hey, what's the matter!I trying to make a living, do my job.  This is your job.  This is job also.  This is not Iraq.  I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.  And you're not getting a tip.  And you are a stupid cow.  Jeez.  - And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.- Thanks so much.  - I'll see you later.- All right.  I like this, the red hair.  I bet she has a pumpkin patchdown below, yes!  I don't know.  - Did you tap her tuchus?- No.  Why don't you go afterthe snatchacheem in this place!  They all want you, believe me.  Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure.  I'm telling you,you're not picking up the signs.  Come with me.I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful.  Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!You want the cut and color today!  Yes, please. Thanks.  Watch.  You see! She's going with it.It's good.  Yep.  - She has a free shoulder. Come join.- I'm good.  Mrs. Haynes,you're getting cold here.  Claude, come. Keep her warm.  Go ahead. Yes.  And gently move.Gently move the shoulder.  All you want to do is let her knowyou're here for her.  Now look awaylike you're not even doing it.  We're not doing this.  - Same rhythm.- Okay.  Push. Push. Push.  Oh, you're pushing harder.It's starting to feel good on my end.  I am trying to make moneyto start my own business, huh.  Would you say you read Spiegelonce a month, twice...  Would you just get usto the hair salon!  We're gonna miss our appointment.  I curse you, and I curse your hair.  What is big dealabout this hair place anyway!  They get worse every year.  Okay, we'll take them to the truck.We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a...  Did you throw this shoe at me,my friend!  No!  Sure looks like it was you.  Then who threw it!  Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.I'll let you off the hook.  Nobody spits on me.  Thank you for the goat, my friend.  Yes.  Goat!  Goat.  Goat!  Goat!  Goat.  I said, "Can we have the receipt!"  Yes. Die in hell.  Welcome.  We'll color your hair Bling-BlingBlond. This is what you need.  You know what else they go for!  The... I don't know what you have,but mine is the biggest.  This...It does not get bigger than this.  It's enormous. Scary. I mean:  What!  I have the biggest. It's the biggest.  Take a look at this.  Look.  - It's not that big.- It's not that...!  No, no, no. The bush.  The bush is the biggest.  And the girls like thisbecause it's cushion.  It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.I never forget a face.  So, what do you want I do!  Wait. I conference you.  Hello!  Nasi, emergency meeting.You're on with Hamdi as well.  - Hello, Nasi.- Hello, Hamdi.  Can you believehow much they pay Delgado!  Yes. Why Mets do this!  This is serious. We meet!  I explain why is emergency.  This is not just manwho take my goat.  - Zohan Dvir.- Yes.  Everyone think Phantom kill him.  Phantom not kill him.  We will capture,then make trade with Israel.  We will be heroes.  But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. Wedon't know for sure that this is him.  Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.Let them handle this.  - Leave it to the pros.- No.  Hezbollah shmezbollah.  Hezbollah will take all the credit.This is our shot.  Why not let Phantom capture him!  Screw Phantom. He hero already.  Where's my chainof muchentuchen restaurants!  Salim, don't make thisabout yourself.  This is about me.  And about him.  And about my goat!  Come on, let's go!  This is nice,the walking inside the outside.  The park, the people,the horses, the kid.  Well, you're always downtown.  You should seea little more of New York.  Yes, yes, this is good.  The talking is good...  ...to get to know each otherbefore the bang-boom. I like.  Oh, no, no, no.There will be no bang-booming.  I just wanted to thank youfor saving my business.  - This isn't a date.- No, no, no.  I feel you have helped me so much...  The right thing to dois to tap you so hard...  ...my schtitzel will come outyour poopech. That's what I think.  Look, why don't wejust enjoy the park!  No, no, no. This is what we do.  Hey, look, softball.  - You like softball!- Of course, I love softball.  What is softball! Teach me how to.  I learned softballwhen I came to the States.  When you're Arab, it helps to fit in.  Yeah, how long you move here ago!  Just a few years ago.  I couldn't take it there anymore.All the hate, on both sides.  Yes, especially yours.  Why you say this! You don't know.  No, no, I don't. I read this.  The Australian-Tibet mediais very biased.  Look, both sides crazy.  My own family...  My brother...  ...if he knew I work cross streetfrom Israelis, he would lose it.  - Really!- You have the hardcores on both sides.  They just want to fight and fight.  Nobody will win this way.It has to stop.  When will it end, eh! Yes.  Okay, so you must be thirsty, no!  Here.  Where you get this!  This! From specialty shopon West Side.  This Middle Eastern drink.You know this! Fizzy Bubblech!  No, no, no. It looks pretty good.  Oh, try, try. It's very good.Try, have a sip.  It's not for me.  No! Really!  This is his shop.  Here is photo for compare.  For how long this take!I close the newsstand.  Make sure you ask himif he ever hit by shoe.  And about the prize goatthat can fetch a bowl of onion soup.  Look in his eyes when youask him this, for they will be suffering.  - You know, I just got haircut.- Go.  Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefnerwith all you little bunnies around here.  Okay, okay,let's see who is going next.  "Jorge Posada," where are you!  That's me.  Okay, good-looking guy,you take a seat there. You're next.  You know, you look likeyou already just got haircut.  No, no.  So I guessing you're looking forsomething in the silky smooth area!  - Well...- Because I see you have nice curls.  You don't want tocut into those curls.  We will talk about this over there.  Okay, Scrappy, I wait.  Is not like I have a shoe to throw.  Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever.  I don't have time to go watcha goat fetch soap.  - What!- What! I don't know.  Listen, my friend...  ...you want to talk, it's good,but you have to wait your turn.  First I have to cut and bangMrs. Greenhouse.  - That's right.- Okay.  Well, I'm ready for it.  Oh, dear.  I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.I am not man enough for you today.  Oh, Scrappy, it's fine.  I don't know what the problem is.I am going to lose business.  Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable.  The screwingwas really just a bonus.  You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse.  An angel with a magic throat.  Oh, Scrappy!  No, that could work.One more, please.  Let's see what we got.  And we're still nothing.  Well!  He was very cool.  Idiot. What did he say!  He think I have nice curlsthat go well with a full face.  - But was it him!- Well, it looked like him.  But hard to know.  I tell you this: he didn't seem to carewhen I talk about goat fetching soap.  Soup. The goat fetched soup.You ruin everything.  Soup! This makes no sense.  Screw you. It's him. I know it's him.  The goat fetched soup!This is unbelievable.  Go to hell.  You said it was urgent!  It's an emergency.Please, take a look.  Yes, yes.  Well, that's not a real problem.You can always shave it.  No, not the bush.  No, inside the bush.Look deeper. Him.  - I see.- He lays in there all day long.  Maybe it needs some more oxygen.It looks like it's being strangled.  So the Palestinian says to the priest:  "Okay, but let's skip the bath."  Why, are they not clean!  No, is good joke.  Honey, are you all right!You've been in there for over an hour.  What is this stuff! I mean, I took onesip and I repainted the whole toilet.  Is Fizzy Bubblech.You'll get used to it, relax.  I don't wanna get used to it.My car couldn't.  - All right, that's it for me. I'm done.- What! What!  Is everything all right!  - Is it about the pee-pee!- Stop it.  - The pee-pee!- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.  Really!He's usually as hard as trigonometry.  - Mom. What...!- When did this happen!  The last few days.  Of course. It's ever sinceyou went out with that Dalia.  Your hog is telling you something.She must be the one.  The one!  Is this possible!  Of course it's possible, man.  All the beaverim in the worldand he falls for Palestinian muffich.  Why should Scrappy careif she's Palestinian!  He's from Australia and Tibet.He's not Israeli.  - No, no, no.- Oh, no, no, no.  Exactly.  What was that, a motor boat!  You know, Scrappy...  ...a special woman is specialno matter where she's from.  Listen to your hog.  Someone special.  Maybe is good.  It's good! It's terrific!  I mean, you know,you guys won't be together anymore...  ...but Scrappy is in love.That's great, awesome.  Thank you for your support.  - Is a good boy.- Good boy.  This is fun. Let's celebrate.Where's the cat!  Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.  - Got you.- Let's play, man.  Take it, Michael.  Look at you.  I wanna try it.  Is good.  Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.  For membership information,press one.  For negotiation update, press two.  For bonus mile information,press three.  For terrorist supplies, press four.  We have currently suspendedour terrorist supply service...  ... as we are engagedin negotiations with Israel.  We will resume service as soon asnegotiations break down. Thank you.  Great.  Come on. Just think of a bomb.  They say you can make bomb fromeveryday's material. You combine.  Yes, okay.But what we combination!  Just think of chemicals.  Chemicals, like in science class.  Yes.  Who remembers this stuff!  Hello.  Well, can I help you fellasfind anything!  Yes, do you have...  ..."liquid nitrogen."  You need what!  Liquid nitrogen.  Yeah. Well, I supposewe have some of that.  Now, just a moment.  - This is it!- Yes, and that's the large container.  This works!  Oh, it works quite well. Yes.  You use!  From time to time. Sure.  We'll take 12.  Look, you can turn off the water...  ...but we will find a wayto keep on going.  Oh, you like when I spray you,Mrs. Skitzer!  Where's the $ 14,000!  I have your rent right here.There is no getting rid of me.  We don't wanna get rid of you.  Mr. Walbridge would actually like torelocate your salon in our new mall.  You mean the one you want to destroythis community to build!  It is not our intentto destroy this community.  I'll take the community, Pancake.  My name is Gray, and I'll be back.  Nice to meet you, Pancake.  Why Pancake!  Just for fun.  You were amazing right there.  Oh, my God.  What!  I have one.  What!  I have zikpah.  Look at it.  It is you.  Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.I cannot make sticky with anyone else.  You are the special one.  I will only be stiff for you.  Who is Steve!  Stiff, with an F.  - Stiff. Stiff.- Yes.  Okay...  ...I know you meant thatin a good way...  The best of ways.  - so thank you.  Thank you.  Is crazy.  This has never happened.  One woman...  ...one zikpah...  ...one life.  You see his face!Scared Israeli son of bitch.  Salim, this is not bomb.  What you mean "not bomb"!  It's grade A liquid nitrogen.  Guys, I really need to go home.  Inaz have a soccer matchin the morning.  - I am hero.- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:  Well, just go with it.  I scraped some off the window.  Maybe you know what is!  It's Neosporin, it's nothing.I use it for cuts and genital sores.  We're beginning to thinkmaybe someone out to get the Zo...  The Scrappy.  You mean like a competing salon!That's heavy.  Don't be afraid, honey.Don't be afraid.  Well, I...  Yeah, lick this.No, she likes the tongue in the ear.  Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.  Close with the brenski.  Come on, get some salivaon those bad boys.  - She likes it, huh!- Of course she likes it.  Okay.  I could look for clues. It's my shiftfor community night watch.  The what!The communism tight crotch!  Oh, it's the communitynight watch program.  You know, people in the neighborhoodpatrolling it, keeping it safe.  We kick some ass.  Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Cocotake your shift tonight!  - I bet he'd be good at this.- Oori.  What! For clues.  I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,but you are gonna be just fine.  Maybe I can manage one night.  Maybe you can pretzel some people.  - Thank you for getting the hummus.- The hummus.  Where's Patches!  Patches.  I'm terrified right now.I'm totally terrified.  "Shitting my pants"doesn't come close.  I wish I was shitting my pants.  It's just a patrol.  What if something goes down!  I don't know if I'd have the courage.  What if something goes downand someone got killed!  I would have to live with that.I'd be happier shitting my pants.  Much happier.  - Let's go.- We're supposed to call the police.  No. No time.  No, no. No. It's good.  Drop the paint.  Get out of here, Ahab,or I'll cut your eyes out.  - Maybe we should let him finish.- No, no, no.  What you cut my eyes out with!The Neosporin!  My blade, camel jockey.  My friend, the beating I give youif you stop the spraying...  ...is much less than the beatingI give you if you try to cut me.  What are you laughing at!  That was just with everyone.  They had it coming to them, right!  Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.  - Okay, you take it from here.- I got it.  Everything's gonna be okay.  What you gotta say about that, huh!  You're telling meour guys can't handle...  ...some neighborhoodnight-watching losers!  We can't even put a scareinto these people!  The main guy who got in the way...  ...is the same one who's bringingold biddies into Rafaela Salon.  My aunt goes there.  She says besides the sex,the guy gives a pretty good haircut.  Don't talk to me about that dump.  I've got a huge,classy hotel standing there...  ...and it's staringat that cheap garbage.  I want it staring at the Supercuts.  Now, has anyone made any headwaywith any of these foreign people!  I spoke to the manager of GoingOut Of Business again yesterday.  I stated our priceand the urgency of the matter...  ...and he offered me two-thirds lessand a Toshiba DVD player.  The people at Everything Must Gowere just as difficult.  They offered me a Blu-ray discand a jar of hummus.  What's hummus!  It's a very tasty...  ...diarrhea-like substance.  Grant Walbridge has a vision.  A vision for Lower Manhattanto have the first indoor mall...  ...with its own 300-footroller coaster.  You know, you're lucky I havea world-class superhot girlfriend...  ...with a perfectly proportionedass-to-breast ratio...  ...or I'd be furious.  She is smoking, sir.  I'd payto spend an hour with her, sir.  Let me in on that.  Well, thank you.  But if you bitchescan't get those people out...  ...I will find other peoplewho will get the job done.  However, whenever.  Walbridge!  This is where I find them.  But I don't know if it's same peoplewho try to Neosporin salon.  But you caught them writing this crap,so, what do you do!  - You don't mess with the Zohan.- Check it.  - Disco.- Disco.  - Good.- Good.  Why did you do thisto Naseef's store, huh!  Why you blame the Israelis!  We come to work,go out of business.  No, no, no.Is not Israeli who do this.  I do community watch.Don't worry, it's all taken care of.  Not Israeli! Who else would write"Arab go home"!  Oh, I don't know,just maybe 99 percent of the world.  - You see what he says!- That was joke.  Come on, come on.You guys get along here, stop this.  Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,the war is never going to end.  You know, we were so close to peacebefore the asshole shot Rabin.  Bush, he see the big picture.  Bush no want peace,he set it all back.  What about Bush's wife!This is a wife I would get sticky with.  I would do this. I would do this.  - Yes, yes.- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.  The big legs.  Yeah, she look strict,like she's going to teach me a lesson.  - Yes, discipline.- You know what's funny!  I like Chelsea.  You're crazy.  She has beautiful legs.  If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.She has legs.  This is what happenswhen they talk politics.  No, no, no, wife of McCain!  She has the ass,and you know she's not getting any.