#and we know obi-wan enjoys his caf and greasy food

[unspuncreature]

Anakin Skywalker and the Five Stages of Grief, Confusion, then Horniness (again) experienced upon discovering that the faceless sponlyfans creator he’s been subscribed to for years is none other than his former master

[kzesl]

Star Wars Coffee shop AU, but listen listen. 

Not a modern AU, no no. In universe one, where everything is the same except Obi-Wan never became a Padawan but ended up in AgriCorps where he, after awhile, ended up specializing in growing coffee plants. Selling coffee beans is one of Jedi Order’s main sources of income. 

Then we get plot! Stick with me please. Crack treated seriously is my jam. Don’t judge.

SO. Now I’m not familiar with wider Star Wars Universe, but according to some fics I read, Shadows are a thing (Jedi spies, yay). Let’s say a Jedi Shadow boss person notices that all the bigger cities on most planets have at least one coffee shop (caf is so so popular, okay, very popular) and that the Jedi could really use an office in every major city, a la Assassin’s Creed, and the Jedi Order is already the major producer of coffee beans and isn’t that just perfect. Not that wider public is aware of that because they would probably throw a fit if they were. For reasons. So it’s kept on the down low.

Obi-Wan ends up working in the first coffee shop of this type because coffee is his specialty (and tea, they sell that too!) and he is charismatic and it works. He moves on after awhile to establish the next one, and then when the Clone Wars begin he is on Coruscant because surprise! he networks like a mofo and that’s where he’s needed. 

He opens his shop and in the beginning it is hard because Coruscant already has many coffee shops, and his next door neighbor is the insanely popular Dex’s Diner. And Obi-Wan (who goes by Ben, because he is shh, undercover farmer) can tell Dex is shifty and Dex can tell Obi-Wan is shifty, but they both pretend that they are reputable businessmen. Rivalry that changes to friendly rivalry. One has great food and the other has great hot drinks. All is well.

Clone Wars happen.

The coffee shop ends up being one of clones’  favorite places on Corusant. When they get a bit of a break they go drinking, and after drinking all night where do you go? To get greasy food, of course. Which they get at Dex’s and oh, look there’s a coffee shop conveniently placed next door. Caf at (insert some ridiculous coffee shop name that has to be a pun) is amazing and cheap and the staff doesn’t care that they are clones (they don’t know it’s run by Jedi or that they as clones get an automatic discount). 

Aaaaand the proprietor is easy on the eyes and wicked smart and badass in a quiet, understated, way and would look amazing in some armor or at least a thigh holster and a blaster in his hands, or oh, a lightsaber, imagine that. Cody, vod, you’re staring. (Shut up, Rex, I’m not!).

Obi-Wan flirts shamelessly with everyone. Satine is his ex turned frenemy, and Bail is his bestie, and Hondo is his self-proclaimed BFF. Padme occasionally shows up but he doesn’t like her very much (I just think it’d be funny if they had this mutual dislike thing going on). None of them gets a discount. Hondo always ends up paying more. (Cody gets a muffin with his coffee every. single. time.)

Mace hears about the coffee shop from Ponds (His commander brings coffee one night, when they are going over some reports and Mace inhales his and nothing will ever top that coffee). Soon, all the Jedi know about the coffee place and they also get the discounted coffee but they are also unaware of it because they don’t really know the particulars of what the AgriCorps or the Shadows are doing. Top secret, but not really. They trust the other branches of the Order to know what they are doing and to share information that needs to be shared. Or something like that. 

No one recognizes Obi-Wan because the last time they saw him he was a kid. He seems familiar, though. Obi-Wan enjoys pretending to be absolutely clueless about the Force. Calls it magic to jedi’s faces. Asks questions about the Code (things general public doesn’t know much about, so no one finds it strange that he, who they think is a random person, would ask) that he knows like the back of his hand. Quinlan Vos knows everything, somehow, and is unbearably smug about it. But no one knows why he is so smug whenever they go to the coffee shop. He’s not telling.

Yoda shows up one day, takes one look at “Ben” and cackles, but never tells anyone either. Fun, he has. Trolling everyone, he is. Hehehe

Anyway, there is at least one clone or one jedi in the shop at any time.

The Senate members are a bit confused how clones and the jedi can afford to have such expensive coffee every day (take-away cups have the coffee shop logo on them) but they are a bit embarrassed to ask because then they would have to acknowledge that they don’t actually pay either of them which would be a bit... awkward.    

The shop has a few employees. One of them is Anakin who didn’t become a Knight but ended up in the ExplorCorps, got bored, spent some time as a space vigilante, freeing slaves (including Shmi, of course) and then ended up being approached by the Jedi Shadows and partnered up with Obi-Wan. They bonded quickly and are now bros. Obi-Wan knows Padme is into Anakin and he seems smitten, but Obi-Wan is not sure what her intentions are and he is not sure he approves. He doesn’t call her cradle robber to her face. (Anakin was sixteen when they met, and she was twenty two and blushing when he tried to flirt and Obi-Wan glared at her so hard she paled and stumbled out of the shop without getting her caf).

Han Solo is a tiny, angry, half-feral kid who mops the floors and occasionally sleeps on the cot in Obi-Wan’s office which Obi-Wan pretends not to know about because he knows the kid is an orphan and homeless and would run if Obi-Wan tried to help him directly or tried to involve the social services. Found family feels eventually happen.

Meanwhile, Shadows filter in and out and nobody notices because there is always some kind of drama in the coffee shop. And you would think that not many sketchy people would visit, since the place is always crawling with Jedi and the clones and regular people there to gawk at the jedi behaving like regular people and gasp sitting in a coffee shop drinking caf. But. But, the coffee is that good and the proprietor knows everyone and is owed a favor by everyone and if you really don’t want to go in, you don’t have to. The Solo kid is happy to pass along a message for a few credits and he is easy to find as he spends almost all his free time at the shipyard gawking at ships. 

The war goes on but we (the reader) don’t get the details first-hand. Focus is on what Palpatine says and his propaganda that is subtle, but ultimately not kind to the Jedi. Bits and pieces come through the Shadows. Jedi and clones who come to visit being more and more tired, some missing limbs, some with new paint on previously white armor; some never come back. Bounties on the Jedi, more numerous than ever. Citizens trying to belittle the clones in the shop, being more and more vicious every day  (Obi-Wan's not having it).

Obi-Wan fighting like a badass, eventually. Revelations. 

There can be some drama, but this is supposed to be a feel good story. Angst is welcome only if it ends. So maybe Palpatine gets eaten by the Zillo beast. Or dies from poisoned caf. Don’t care. Happy ending is a must.

I’m not writing it btw. I just want it. (this was supposed to be a couple of paragraphs long, wth).