#and yes i do imagine him sounding like the engineer from tf2

[deltapelagicpetrel]

i was listening to the dark river audiobook and he sounded a bit too texan, so now all i think is this little texan cat

[fatgumsurpremacy-remastered]

Howdy! I hope that you are doing well! I was wondering if I could request yandere engie (tf2) who is trying to get his s/o used to physical contact such as hand holding etc.

Yes, of course!

Yandere engineer x reader physical contact

Tw: past kidnapping, gaslighting, threats, vague sexual undertones, forced affection, one forced kiss, invasion of privacy. Dead Dove DNE

If you want a slightly lighter version lmk

Dell was tired, more tired than he’d been in a while. While he loved you more than anything you’d been more skittish lately. He never knew you’d take a hit this hard, he understood that he kidnapped you. He wasn’t that crazy, he understood that was difficult to cope with. But you had to learn at some point that you were gonna be with him from now on. Which meant at some point, you’d have to give him affection.

He knew that right now you didn’t care about him as a partner. You’d told him several times prior you loved him as a friend, but if you could be friends you could be partners. Dell stuck to that idea with his whole chest. He didn’t need a fancy chart or nothing to tell him that. The one thing racing through this bulldogs mind was the need for contact.

You refused to come out of your room.

He’d given you enough space to come out on your own where he waited at the end of the hallway. When you moved to duck back into your room he stopped you with a whistle.

“Where you think you’re going silly thing?” You frowned at the ground, trying not to look him in the eye. He stepped forward now, threat clear in his posture.

You had to answer.

“I forgot my journal.”

“No you didnt.”

“Why do you think-“ you tried to snap before you closed your own mouth. From the satchel on his belt he procured a notebook. He opened the pages and leaned against a wall.

“Journal entry one,

Today I met the handsomest man in New Mexico. Which isn’t much to say considering I don’t have a very high opinion of anyone else. I think he’s faking the whole accent for the ladies around, but aside from that I find him.”

He smirked evily at your shocked expression.

“Charmin’.”

You lunged at him with no semblance of thought. The hidden need for privacy rearing it’s ugly head, and your lack of thought is what led you straight into Dells arms.

He dropped the book and stepped a bit to the side in an instant. His cheeky grin grew wider as he felt you come into contact with his elbow. The moment he did, he stepped behind you and constructed you. Effectively trapping you against him.

You bucked up frantically, only realizing your mistake as you felt his muscles press into your midsection. The way he was holding you felt bruising and too intimate. You thrust yourself down to now avail. He laughed in amusement before placing a small trail of kisses from your ear to your shoulder.

You whined in fear at his next move but all he did was steadily waddle the two of you to the living room.

“All that fuss over a diary honey?” He asked in a tone free of condensention. Though you imagined he made it sound that was to pretend like he cared. You couldn’t move on your own now. It dawned on you that your feet weren’t touching the ground.

“Bet it’s kinda silly, goin’ through all that hard work only to end up back in my arms? Down you go!” He set you down flat on the ground and before you could run he grabbed your hand.

The speed in which his gloved hand shot towards you hurt your fingers and you were almost certain he broke something. You held back a sob and a gasp of shock as he spun and dipped you over the edge of the couch.

In a desperate attempt to plead with him not to do what you assumed he was going to you backed up.

Dell held his hands up, big brown eyes showing clear offense at the mention of it.

“Whoa now honey, I never claimed to want and do that now.” You breathed heavily, not believing him for a second. He must’ve liked the game. At any second now he’d pounce.

“I’ll even sit on the other end of the couch.”

And so he did. On the opposite end of the room he sat, and he sat comfortably.

His legs were spread, presenting his lap freely. His arm lay on the armrest and the other on his thigh. He smiled at you like he used to.

You’d sat on his lap before but now that you knew the context you wanted to vomit.

“I’ll kill you.”

“You keep telling yourself that sugar. You’re stuck here without me, without a key to the outside, nor any other friends in the world. Ones that care- anyway.”

His voice got darker.

“So you better make a darn good choice about your next few actions.”

He was glaring now.

You wanted to sit up, but fear kept you down on the sofa.

“You’re going to let me leave if I want to right?”

“You ain’t in the position to bargain with me sug’ I’ll decide when you leave.” There was the condescending tone.

You resigned yourself, sliding off the couch that in any other circumstance wouldn’t have seemed submissive, and rather it would’ve been funny.

You tried to lighten the mood as you crawled your way over. You couldn’t get your legs to work.

“You remember a similar time at Kaseys?” He smiled warmly at the botched attempt at connection. He indulged you with a hand to help you up on his lap.

“You mean when you spilled wine all over yourself and to not get it on her sofa slid onto her tile?”

“Yeah” You chuckled awkwardly, throwing your leg around his thick thighs. Ending up only being able to sit on one with a bit of discomfort.

“When you had to take off your shirt in front of everyone because it was wet and you were drunk” he pushed your back so you were chest to chest. Your chin rested on his shoulder and his other arm (gunslinger) came around your hips.

“When I had to tell the folk to clear the room so I could get the mess sorted.”

“I-“ you wanted to ask him to stop going on. It was embarrassing. But the embarrassment made you forget the situation.

He squeezed you teasingly, reminding you of that night.

“The night you pressed against me and asked me if I’d marry you?”

You used what little strength you had to push yourself away, opting to refute before you saw his expression. He took your hands in his and stared at you earnestly.

“And if I am gong to be honest my dear, I would not want a single thing more than that.”

He pressed a surprise kiss to your lips. An action not appreciated, as you bit him hard. He only groaned against it. You flipped shit and ran, pushing him away by his face, and barreling to your room.

You slammed the door and let the tears run down freely. But he didn’t come after you.

He just smiled and sat back.

That was painful.

But it was progress.

[pyraffin-drgo]

All Heavy interactions in Poker Night at the Inventory.

For you to interpret however you wish.

Video Version

(They have [bootleg movies] in your country?) "I like movies, yes." (Yeah, like what? [Lists movies]?) "No. My favorite are The Dirty Dozen and the first twenty minutes of Rocky four."

(We can talk Tetris?) "Hmmph. Tetris is baby game." (Tetris Attack keeps it hood!) "Why does everybody think I love this Tetris? It is just stacking!"

"[To Strongbad] Tiny Heavy." (What is it?) "Do you get the nightmares?" (I get the jibblie nightmares. [Describes silly nightmare, shivers].) "I am talking about the visions of endless suffering. Dead doctors everywhere. Spy can not be found. (No, but that sounds like the Jibblies.) "I do not like these 'jibblies.'"

"Strong and bad. How is boxing career?" (These. Are. My. HANDS!) "I was boxer, once. In school. We have to either box or learn to herd goats." Silence, looking concerned. "I am not good with goats..." (Too much information, man.) "At first, I do not like punching other boys... But then I learn to love it." Punches his palm menacingly.

(Find any rare drops lately?) "I do not understand." (When you get a kill, you get a present?) "When I get kill, I get honor of team." Smile drops. "Sometimes... I also get nightmares. A man does not go home to his wife and children." (So, no loot?) "Oh! You mean hat! Yes, I love hats! Sometimes, I get these. They are the best."

(Hey, Heavy. You know any hot Russian spies?) "I hate spies." (But you gotta have the inside line on some deadly minxes.) "You want hot spy?" (Am I not wrestle man?) "I have friend who gets you a hot spy. (Get em on the two-way, man!) "His name is Pyro." (Tycho, to Strongbad: The spy is hot because it is on fire.) (Oh...)

"[To Tycho] What do you do with life?" (Me?) "Yes. What is possible with tiny, frail body?" (I occupy myself with simulations... of various kinds.) "What is these?" (Struggles to explain.) (Strongbad: He lives in his parent's basement.)

(So, is there a Mrs. Weapons Guy?) "No. Sasha is my only love." (Sasha kills people, I presume?) "No." (Oh?) "WE kill people."

"[To Strongbad] Maybe you and I box?" (I can't risk my beautiful face, it's the franchise.) "We spar. For fun." (I don't think so.)

"Strong and bad. You wrestle? With mask?" (No, I'm a wrestle man, not those hack wrestle-LERS.) "Not like Iron Sheik?" (No, Iron Stake is a LER.) Heavy nods. "Hmm. This is too bad."

(So how long you been with those Team Fortress fellas?) "I do not understand." (The game's been on Steam for like 3 years. I imagine there was some audition process?) "Ohhh! Yes, I understand! I kill many men VERY quickly." (Excuse me?) "I kill record number of soldiers, and I am commissioned to join RED team."

(Mr. Weapons. I am in the market for a new firearm. [Specifications].) "Hmm, for you I do not recommend minigun then. You know, there is this fast baby man that annoys me greatly with shotgun." (Oh! Oh! What are the available options? I'll spring for leather!) "Da, this is good for you. I suggest Force-A-Nature." (I'll tell them [shop owner] Heavy Weapons Guy sent me.) "It is no need. I know guy."

"I will make hat from you, little bunny." No reply from anyone. A reference for the player to the Max hat in TF2.

"You look familiar, bunny." (How closely do you follow the Manhattan Crime Blotter?) Also a reference to the hat, Tycho then takes over conversation.

(If I need someone snuffed out, what's your going rate?) "Five hundred thousand U.S. dollars." (Steep.) "Cash." (You can do it discreetly?) "Sasha... not so discreet." (That's fine.)

(How did you guys hear of the inventory?) "My engineering friend brought me one night."

(This reminds me of the time Artie Flopshark rigged an entire poker tournament to pay off his loan shark.) "I know of this. This is respectable profession in motherland." Conversation is stolen by Tycho.

(This reminds me of [story]!) "I am reminded of time Engineer kill my entire team." (Damn Heavy, that's... heavy. Sorry to hear that.) "I search entire base for him. He tries to kill me with turret and mini turret, but I crush his toys like they are made of paper." (Sounds like crappy toys.) "Then I find him. Hiding by teleporter. I take his gun away from him. He tries to hit me with wrench! Hahohoh! So I take wrench away from him. I take his wrench and shove it down his throat, all the way down to the handle." (Christ!) Heavy laughs. "Then I rip off all his fingers one by one!" He talks while laughing. "Lets see you build toys now!" He breaks out in laughter. "There's blood- everywhere! And- he's crying!" More laughter. "I think he cries out for mother, but- but-" Crumples over laughing. "The wrench is stuck in his throat! And it sounds like-" Makes choking motions and noises then laughs. "Is this not the funniest thing??" (Horrified looks) (Head shakes slowly.) (That's some bleeped up bleep, man!)

(How about you, Heavy weapons? I'm guessing you're a vodka guy?) "Peach Bellini. But bubbles can give me headache."

(Mr. Weapons, how do you like your line of work?) "It is good. There are many benefits." (Oh! Like a free pass to snuff out bad guys or a waffle bar?) "Both. And full dental."

(I wonder if this dump is haunted.) (I hope so! Roughing up who can't die is fun!) "...I do not like ghosts..." (It's okay, Mr. Weapons. I have [extensive experience]. I can handle a few ghosts.) "...You will take care of ghosts for me?" (You bet cha!) Heavy nods at him. "I like you, tiny rabbit."

[Story including a union] "I am union. RED local six fifteen." (You guys unionized?) "Eh. It was necessity for group medical."

"Tycho. This sweater, is special equipment?" (No, standard issue.) "You have no class specific head gear?" (Got a motorcycle helmet that protects from 100% of UV rays.) "This sounds beneficial."

(Why do you keep calling me 'Tiny Heavy'?) "You are Heavy. Tiny. No? You are RED team. You have killing gloves of boxing. You earn these for being great killer! You should try out for RED team." (Hmm. Guess I could join your team of ruthless killers and lame hat wearers and watch you get grenaded by 8 year olds.) "You will take many bullets before dying I think."

(Hey, Heavy. I just finished [Russian fantasy book]. Ever read it?) "No." (Oh. What's your favorite book?) "I prefer war." (Ah, War and Peace. Tasteful.) "No. Just war." (Art of War?) "Nyet." Silence. "I like 'Tsar Hunger' by Leonid Andreyev. You know this?" (...No.) "Is classic."

"You have hands like young girl." (I keep them shits moist.) "...So you are more of sneaky, stabbing type?" (In an extreme circumstance, I guess.) Heavy looks at him suspiciously. "I keep my eyes on you." (No, no no- I wasn't implying that-) Heavy looking at him angierly. (Shit.)

(Ever listen to music while you work?) "Yes! I just buy new walkman." (What gets you in the killing mood? Icelandic death metal?) "I just get Huey Lewis tape. Keeps spirits up on battle field."

"[To Tycho] You have woman?" (Not with me) "She is pretty?" (Yeah, cute, glasses, red hair.) "She has the red hair??" (No, Heavy! She is not on the other team! Don't have to kill her!) "No. But I love the red hair!" (Well, you can't have her, either.) Re-used image of Heavy looking at him angrily. (Well, maybe we can work something out.)

(Hey, Heavyman. You think you can 'take care' of the King of Town for me?) "I can assassinate king, yes. It is expensive, though." (By take care of I meant sneak in and shave off half his mustache.) "I am not best at sneaking." (Confront him in a dark alley then?) "This is better. That way blood wash away in rain."

(You have any interest in moonlighting?) "WHAT? I am not moonlighter!" (Just a little work on the side with Sam and me beating up goons!) "Oh. I can not do this." (C'mon it's fun and free!) "No, I am sure it is." (Then what's the problem?) "I have non compete." (Ah, yeah. Lawyers.)

(All these aces reminds me of [weird dream]. You have any weird dreams, Mr. Weapons?) "I sometimes dream that I am killed. There is blood everywhere. (Tycho gives him a weird look) But then I wake up and I realize this is ridiculous! Nobody can kill Heavy weapons guy! (Riiiight...)

"[To his chips] This is good Solider. This one is good Doktor. You are demolition man."

"Saaaandvich, sandvich, I love you sandvich!" (Would you like someone to order you some food?)

"Blue man." (Tycho.) "Tycho. What college do you go to? You are educated, no?" (Actually, no.) "No?" (I studied at Gygax Polyhedral if you catch my drift.) "I do not. This is good school?" (Uh. The best.) "I went to Soviet College of Mines, Farms, and Science. I have PhD in Russian literature." (Do you.. use that in your work?) "More than you think."

"Tiny Heavy, who is your favorite to kill in war?" (Those discount three-pack green helmets.) "To kill spy is glorious thing! How about you, Max? You are killing type." (My favorite enemy? Like asking me to choose between my children!) Heavy laughs. "You crack me up, little bunny!"

(Hey, Hefty Bag, you ever play video games?) "Just one." (Oh yeah?) "It is called-" (Tycho: WoW?) "Nyet. That is not popular. It is called 'Where's an Egg'." (Strongbad: I love Where's an Egg!) "Where's an Egg is as big as Tetris in homeland."

(Concerning your firearm, whay caliber we talking?) "Big." (What, we talking 300 Weatherby Mag here?) "Bigger." (50 cal, whereabouts?) "Bigger than 50 caliber. They are hand made custom tool cartridges with classified diameter." (Why's that?) "So enemy canmot use ammunition. But Sasha can chew through theirs." (Diabolical!) "I think so." Nods.

(Alright, big pretend killer man. Tell me the most awesome story you have with plenty of senseless violence!) Heavy thinks. "When I was boy, I was at camp, being trained in many ways of combat." (Assassination camp for kids! This is gonna be good!) "There was sparrow sitting on fence. Snow falls quietly around me. Without notice, another boy jumps from behind tree and kills sparrow with throwing knife. The boy runs away." (And then??) "I pick up sparrow, and hear his last breath before digging him tiny grave..." (Tycho crying) (Max silent) (That's not even a little bit funny, man.) Heavy shakes his head solemnly. "No..." Sits back. "It's not."

(So, what do you do for fun?) "Clean Sasha. Use Sasha... Clean Sasha again." (Proper maintience is crucial.) "I also collect old coins." (A fellow numismatist!) "Which I melt down to make custom bullets." (Of course.)

"I am hungry for sandvich." (Then order a sandvich, man.) "Oh, I can not have sandvich! I become unstoppable killing machine!" (Yeah, maybe order a water.) "Is best."

"You wear blue sweater." (All the time.) "What are you?" (Haven't we went over this?) "You are not Scout. Maybe very tricky blue Spy? Maybe... new class?" (I can use a keyboard to sabotage your entire team, steal your intelligence, and have your sister delivered to my doorstep in one afternoon. Yes, I'm a new class.) Heavy, shocked, "This is true??"

(Hey, Heavyman, what's your living situ-aysh?) "I live in RED barraks. Is nice. There is foos table." (How about taking a room in the house of Strong?) "There is vacancy?" (First you'll have to dump the current person in your room.) "This is enemy?" (He won't put up much of a fight.)

Hope you enjoyed, spent most of the day copying all these down. The non-Heavy lines are paraphrased for shortness. Heavy's are full, how they are in game.

[charlyoddsox27]

its 6am, i havent slept, im bored, so im posting a list of the mercs in order of whom i like the most and reasons why, because thats something i should do i guess?

here goes

(spoilers for the comics down below but either way i think im the only person on earth who has never read them before now)

~~~

~~1. Medic~~

reasons for being my favourite:

• fucking. look. at. him. 👌

• 'mad german doctor' is one of my favourite tropes and he is a pretty bang-on satirical depiction of it

• cute-ass german accent

• he has pet pidgeons hE LOVES HIS PIDGEON PALS THEY KEEP HIM COMPANY

• healers are the most respectable class imo and since Medic pretty much started it he's automatically the best, thats how it works right?

• he sold some random persons soul to satan in exchange for a ***ballpoint pen*** and can i just say, fucking mood??? (he is literally the "i'd sell you to satan for one cornchip" meme)

• "yes, Archimedes...I couldn't agree more." *shudders* b oi .. .

• so many more reasons to love this gross old doctor so little room in Tumblrs posts.

~~2. Spy~~

reasons for being my second favourite:

• cranky, done with everyones shit, just wants to be left alone, fucking mood

• he's a spy i mean c'mon. look at the swanky-ass suit, look at the class radiating from this asshole.

• he may be a dick but he has a soft side he's just too jaded to show it most of the time (see: Scouts death in the comics?? real tears. honestly wish they'd panned that out more.)

• masks are hot tbFH--

• he enjoys a nice glass of whisky by the fireplace and so do i (fun fact: france is the biggest importer of scottish whisky in the world so its a nice touch)

• shapeshifting is fucking cool are you serious like he can just. do that. what a legend

• "i have a cyanide pill in one of my molars, if i break it then spit some in your mouth before i die, we can avoid being tortured." *'heavy' bursts in to save them* "PFFTHBTHF--"

• "SEDUCE ME."

• arrogant frenchman is one of my other favourite tropes and this is the most arrogant frenchman ive ever seen

• he's the only fully sane Merc, maybe apart from Engie.

• people love to hate him bc he's an asshole but...come on. after working with all those other weirdos for years, you'd be pretty jaded too.

• as a gross shipper, he's the easiest and the most fun (imo) to ship with Medic (rip me)

~~3. Pyro~~

reasons for being my third favourite:

• would have tied with Soldier if it werent for that one picture of them in the comics holding a puppy over their head with the most adoring expression on their mask??? good Pyro. goodest Pyro.

• doesn't do much in the comics but makes up for it in pure charm. look at that soulless face and tell me you dont love it.

• ambiguous gender ambiguous gender amBIGUOUS GENDER AMBIGUOUS GENDER. she/he/they? trans? nb? whatever you headcanon, it'll never be confirmed so its literally up to your own imagination. fucking ace, Valve 👌👌👌

• likes to burn things. god damnit. they like to burn things, guys. but they enjoy it so much, you just cant hate them, you can only feel a sympathetic joy that this precious lunatic is having fun in their own little world.

• canonically mentally ill (schizoprenia? it could be hallucinogenic drugs but i like to think its schizophrenia.)

• pretty sure they burned a pair of pedophiles in the comics. at least i think thats what those panels were insinuating. "lets open an orphanage and have an endless supply of kids to--" sounds pretty red-flaggy to me tbh. plus they were the villains so, eh?

• bludgeoned a bear to death until its skull was pulp because it insulted their special interest. you go, Pyro.

• for a few bits in the comics they have a really cute family dynamic going on with other Mercs, Soldier for example."Miss Pauling, Pyros on my side of the car." "Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand." fuckin' cuties.

• when they start putting on like 50 shirts to keep warm in the Russian mountains. chubby.

• a gas mask that can function as both badass, and completely adorable.

• just. everything about them. how could you not love them. they're not in the wrong, you are. stay away from my misunderstood child and let them burn things god damnit.

~~4. Soldier~~

look I'm sorry, I love Soldier and he was gonna be tied with Pyro but that fucking puppy drawing sold me.

• absolute gold every second he speaks. he could sneeze and i'll laugh.

• such a dumbass you cant get annoyed at him for it. like. just agree with him and move on. no point reasoning with a boulder. "haha! silly Miss Pauling, thinking theres different types of blood." Medic: "haha yes! indeed, silly."

• HUTTAH *NECK SNAP*

• i'm not American and even i can see how blatantly his character mocks stereotypical Patriotic Americans™. but its so dumb and laughable, its adorable.

• EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ZHANNA IS A BLESSING. EVERYTHING.

• the first "meet the Mercs" video i ever saw was "meet the Soldier" so he holds a special place in my heart

• (preaches about experiencing the horrors of war; has never actually been to war. shh dont tell anyone though--) *neck gets snapped*

~~5. Demoman~~

• I'm Scottish. even though his accent is absolute garbage (no offense to the VA), any representation is very nice.

• Black AND Scottish?? i mean has a character like that even existed before TF2??? amazing example of representation right there. there are barely even any black people in Scotland, how did this happen. I love it. more of this, please.

• he's a drunk guy who blows shit up for shits and giggles and god I wish I could too, sounds like a miracle stress-reliever.

• his sassy black scottish mother. combining the stereotypical black mother with the stereotypical scottish mother is literally the best thing that ever happened.

• the bit in the comic where Medic explains that Demo can't remember what happened to his eye bc he scooped out part of his brain, and the look on Demo's face. just. the look.

• again, he's scottish, he's stereotypical, and he's awesome.

~~6. Sniper~~

• underrated

• piss jars. piss jars everywhere.

• "no dad, im not a crazed murdering lunatic, I'm an assassin. ...well one's a job and the other's mental sickness!!"

• "meet the Sniper" has kickass music

• ruffled gross old man who isn't actually old, he's just seen some SHIT

• actually given development in the comics + some really good scenes with Spy.

• so suave...so...handsome. handsome ruffled bushman. me like.

• he dies first in the comics but gets brought back and gets a cool-ass scar. and then he's just walking around naked everywhere for the rest of the comic. Medic, where the fuck did you put his clothes.

• isn't actually Australian. thats like one of the biggest twists in the comic. "no wonder i was never inhumanly strong and my chest hair didn't grow into the shape of Australia!!" Classic.

• says "bugger" a lot and i love that word

• he needs a hug, let me hug him. and give him a bath.

~~7. Heavy~~

I'm gonna be crucified for putting the big lad so low but i promise i dont dislike any of the Mercs. he'd be higher up but...ive never really liked big huge tank-men tbh :/

• loveable as fuck

• will murder you if you bully his puny little Medic

• i looove Russian accents omfg

• he like big gun. i can respect that.

• when Medic was killed and he went APESHIT on Classic!Heavy and I lost my fuckin' mind over that shit

• he probably has a soft spot for small cute animals. i love imagining him being swarmed by Medics flock of doves and petting them like "good bird...so many good bird..."

• actually smarter than people give him credit for???

• i really really wish his character was a lil more fleshed out but. that's just me. i love him but he doesn't have the same appeal to me as Medic or Spy.

• his entire relationship with Medic...ugh. yes. best friends and/or boyfriends. all good to me 👌

• he named his gun Sasha and that's adorable

~~8. Engineer~~

• gOD, FUCK, I REALLY WISH HE DID MORE IN THE COMICS. i barely know anything about his character. i like him a lot but...god, he...he doesn't...do.....anything.......

• he built a cool robot arm for himself and AI turrets and teleporter machines and guns that fire magic healing powers and immortality machines, in the 1960s. what. some kind of wizard fuckery is this.

• smoothest voice in the west

• "y'all"

~~9. Scout~~

oh god i really am gonna be crucified. i dont hate him i just. like him the least.

• shitboy

• reminds me of a shitty ex but also kinda relateable in a way

• some genuinely funny bits in the shorts.

• gross horny hetero teen boy with a god complex and serious daddy issues. also, he can't read. the "sex bom" tattoo on his chest will be an eternal testament to that. nice job, Spy. you raised him good.

~~~

hoo boy there we go theres all the boys, all the beautiful boys (and Scout) in order of how much i love them. if i made any errors in my info about the canon, feel free to send me death threats 💙 (no seriously tell me though, being a newbie is embarrassing)

so uh. yeah. that took two hours to write. its now 8am. im still bored lol. bye i guess.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

TF2 Scout Headcanon(s)/Story:

...you know, it strikes me that, in all the fanfic from TF2 I've ever read... none of them explicitly state Scout takes his headset off when he and whoever he's paired with at the time say either cute things or get freaky. At some point, in some string of the multiverse, at least one of his teammates has to have heard something they weren't supposed to.

Spy would never let him live it down. Engineer would try to rewire the headset to auto-shutoff (unless otherwise activated deliberately) after the match, and gives a half-hearted 'Talk' to him without making eye-contact. Sniper keeps making smug eye-contact, winking at the kid, because it's hilarious to him. Pyro... no one's sure what Pyro thinks. Maybe they pinch his cheeks and mumble something. Or they're so scandalised that Engie has to have a 'serious chat' with the scout about keeping things PG 13+ on the airways. Demoman is waiting with a bottle of something after he hears something (once he realises he didn't imagine it while drunk), delighted for 'the wee lad'. Against Medic's wishes/pointed glare, he hands it over and proclaims, "If he's old enough to be shaggin' about, he can have a drink!" to the Scout's eternal embarrassment. Heavy claps the kid on the shoulder, and says nothing. But Scout knows that the Russian knows, and acts weird about it for a week before realising Heavy doesn't care enough to tell the others. Medic hauls him off to 'talk' about the situation. Making Scout suffer through the entirety of The Talk (TM), one that covered every angle, and utilised banana-based demonstrations + talking about consent. Why? Well, Scout had made the older man suffer through a very uncomfortable few minutes (until he could yank out the earpiece, jammed in his ear) and gott im himmel, was he going to repay the kind in kind.

-   

Oh... I have one worse...Okay but like, the Scouts COLLIDE mid-battle and get the WRONG headsets. Couldn't happen, right? Wrong. Medics keep turning up to the wrong locations, and Engineers are putting dispensers in all the wrong places, Snipers are trying to pick off the targets they're being told to take out but they can't see 'em whatsoever, and Spies are confusedly watching the opposing Scouts shout about grabbing the intelligences when they clearly don't have it to hand. In short, it's a little bit of chaos.

But then, of course, they go back to their respective bases and partners/etc. And suddenly both teams are confused and incredibly awkward as they hear what sounds like their Scout with certain team members. Team members who, when subtly accosted later, have no idea what's going on. And then concerns are raised that the opposing Spies might be playing games with the Scout(s)... which sets off most of BLU team, because they all know who Scout's ding-dong-red-daddy is (Red Spy) and that makes it weird. But then Engineers try to call their Scouts in to talk to 'em about the situation... and they start to realise something's up when the youngest members can't find the Engineers. "I thought you said to come in the Kitchen?" says RED Scout, confusedly staring around the empty room. "That's right, so where are you?" responds the unknowing BLU Engie, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms folded. "Er, in the kitchen?" - "Yo Engie, thought you were in the basement?" crackles BLU Scout, looking about the empty room. "I am, son. Y'come in here and we can have a nice chat about something..." mumbles RED Engie, focused on the dispenser he's upgrading. "Er, yeah, I would if you were IN HERE!" he gets in response, making the builder pause. "You sure, I'm two feet from the door and I ain't no cloaked Spy..." "Sure I'm sure, buddy. I'm standing on your work bench and you ain't set a sentry on me yet... so ya clearly ain't here!" - BLU Engineer gives up and orders Scout to his workshop. Pausing at the doorway to realise there's a Scout in there already... talking to... someone, and standing atop his workbench. "Git offa there, ya brat!" he shouts, startling the BLU Scout into falling off. The Scout in his headpiece makes an offended  noise... as the one he's looking dead at shrieks, and falls off the table. Landing limbs akimbo, with someone shouting in his ear, demanding to know if the Scout's alright. The demand is followed by confused silence. BLU Scout staring at his Engineer, while the other kept talking. RED Engineer tries to step out of his workshop and finds himself slammed into by the RED Scout. Who rebounds into a doorway, and slams into the floor pretty damn hard. - Things are starting to piece together... the Engineers snag their appropriately coloured Scouts off the floor, and check them over. At least one of them might have a concussion from that little bout of activity. But both of them seem to have twigged that the Engineer they're looking at isn't the one talking to them. Headsets are appropriated. "Hello? This is RED's Engineer, who is this?" "Howdy, I'm BLU's Engineer... and I'm thinking that everything's making a lot more sense now." "I'll say! Although I'm not sure how in Sam Hill these two managed to switch their headsets without realising..." BLU Scout groans, smacking a hand to his forehead. "We fuckin' collided in the last battle, sent our shit sprawling everywhere..." He gets a light cuff about the ear from BLU Engie. "Language, son." Not learning from his duplicate's mistake, RED Scout adds his two cents. "Yeah, that freaking chucklehead nearly sent us both to respawn by BONK!ing it up before comin' round a corner at me. Nearly made off with m'fuckin' bat too, ya thieving bastard!" He gets a right old whack too; not hard, just reproving. "Hey, what gives? Ya taking his side over mine, Engie? He's a BLU?!" "No, Scout, I'm taking the side of common decency. Watch yer language, son." Replies REDEngineer. "Yeah, yeah, fine." Sulks the Scout. - "Well now, it ain't hard to see how this snafu came about considerin' your Scout and mine are so damn similar." adds BLU Engineer in the silence, having heard it all through the headpiece. "Downright spooky that none'a us even realised we'd switched Scouts..." confirmed RED Engineer. Throwing an apologetic at his Scout, who looked torn between anger and betrayal at the revelation. "To be fair, son, you two sound mighty close to identical, especially when y'throw in the battle noises and such." Okay, both Engineers were getting hurt, yet petulant, expressions. "Aw don't be like that, son..." BLU tried. Immediately seeing he wasn't going to get anywhere with that line of interaction. "Now, I'm mighty sorry we hurt'ya feelings, but the whole reason I was so insistent about talking ta Scout was because..." He dropped off. RED Engineer's expression was downright priceless. "I don't suppose ya overheard something... ya weren't supposed to, involving Scout here?" "Actually, yes. Me'n the rest of the team were worried he might've been, er, tricked by the opposing Spy somehow when we heard... a kerfuffle of sorts, over the headsets -and son, ya need to turn'em off after battle, I can;t stress that enough. Except the other class involved wasn't actually 'involved' if y'get my meaning. I was looking at the person we heard what we thought was our Scout, making a fuss over... so it couldn'ta been them." BLU extrapolated. "Oh, an' if I might ask, who was it?" RED grinned, taking in the horrified expression of his Scout. Who had not caught on that both Engineers, and indeed, their entire teams, had at least a vague idea who they were not-so-sneakretly seeing. "Now RED, I ain't one to go around telling others' secrets... but you might not want to know that the restraints in the- " and here it cut out because RED Scout had grabbed the headset and was shouting over him about nothing in particular. RED Engineer's expression was priceless as he let the Scout calm down, and took back the headset. "I was kidding, son... you 'n him are fine in mah book. Don't worry about it. To be honest, I'm more concerned about BLU Scout and-..." And then it was his turn to hear a verbal barrage, even though he managed to get the Class name across anyway, shrugging. "Everyone knows already, boys, no one minds. At least, I think they're more relieved y'weren't fooled by the Spies, t'be perfectly honest. Specially since Red Spy is ya fath-..." "DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" BLU Scout shouts, and it sounds like a scuffle on the other end as RED team waits. When it dies down, a winded BLU Engineer comes back over the channel. "The more pressing question is how t'get the headsets back to their rightful Scouts without Her Upstairs finding out..." "Can we just pull off the slam-into-each-otha thing from yesta-day?" BLU Scout pants. "Nah, think the ol' witch'll be suspicious of that. Once is'n accident, twice without killin' each otha is a pattern." RED Scout responds. RED Engineer fights down the urge to correct his english. "Alright, then what about we get the Spies to do a straight-up, cloaked swap of the things?" "...and tell frenchie th' whole story? Are ya freakin' insane, Engie?!"  Shouts RED Scout, arms flailing, not quite in the right direction. Maybe he should take the kid to see the Doc... or uh, not, considering... He clears his throat. "Now boy, we ain't got a lotta time to right this. She'll know if we don't get it fixed by morning, in fact I think She already has a good idea what's happenin' and is waitin' ta see what we're gonna do ta fix it. So if we gotta get the spies involved, that's what'll happen." "Awww man, but... fine." RED Scout gives in, huffing like a toddler on the brink of a tantrum. He's not as stupid as some on the teams think he is, and knows full well both Spies will (mad) milk this event for all it's worth. "Then it's settled." BLU Engineer says, relaxing. "Spah, my BLU and your RED, will have ta do the exchange..." "Oh no we will not be doing ze exchange!" cries the furious RED Spy decloaking behind his two teammates. RED Scout startles into a fight pose, and Engineer holds up a wrench automatically before relaxing. "Don't be that way, Spah..." sighs the builder. "Non, give me ze headset. It has caused enough trouble so far, and I would have a word with... the BLUs involved." It is handed over with some reluctance. Before the Spy can say anything, the BLU Scout's drawl comes through. Sounding very much like he would rather be bludgeoned to death before uttering the words. "Okay, fine. But Dad, d'ya know what might happen ta us if the Admin lady finds out we not only fucked up, but we were also fucking-..." "Oui." The words cuts the kid off pretty fast. "I am aware of who else you call 'Daddy' around zis compound, and I assure you, we will be talking about zis in depth soon enough." BLU Scout chokes off a strange sound, and goes quiet. RED Scout is laughing fairly hard in the background until BLU Engineer crackles through the open headset... "Ah, son, I'd be keeping my mouth shut, considering th' things ah heard you saying to-..." "DON'T SAY IT!" "...if y'can keep quiet, so can I." teases the BLU Engineer, as the RED one looks on the Scout in bemusement -the kid's face as scarlet as his shirt. "Oh, zis is truly 'ilarious." snorts the probably-should-have-been-expected voice of the BLU Spy. "Oh, our Spah's with us too, now. I'm giving him the headset and draggin' Scout here off t'see the Doc. Took a right nasty tumble off m'work bench, and I don't think he's seein' straight..."  BLU Engineer says, excusing the two of them as the Spy gets the headset. "Well thanks fer all'a your help with this. Mighty decent of ya, considerin'..." RED Engineer says, loud enough to be heard through the line. He turns to their Spy, "Will you be right with this? I think I'm gonna take the kid t'see the Medic too... haven't seen someone eat doorway that hard since the last time Demo got Pyro wasted." "Oui." says the masked man, dismissing the pair with a hand. "It seems once again we are forced to fix mistakes made by... lesser teammates." The BLU Spy says something in french through the line, and RED laughs. Engineer rolls his eyes, grabbing his Scout. "C'mon kid, let'em have their fun f'now. Let's get your head checked out..." "Aw, Engie, d'we have ta? Doc'll probably cut me open li-..." the complaining tailed off the further down the hall they traversed. - Alone in the room, the spies made brief plans to meet, unarmed (hon hon hon, yeah right), and exchange headsets. As if nothing had happened, at all. - And it works. Except now the opposing teams know FAR too much about the opposing Scouts and their er... class preferences. They'll never hear the end of it. But at least the dragon-lady admin didn't cotton on, right? Besides, most of the teams were okay with the wole thing... and despite some new-found respect for various members, they went back to killing each other the next day. That was all that mattered, right? RED vs BLU? Downtime was for any activity you wanted... even if it meant you had say, awkward conversations with your dad about ya relationship... or even, were unable t'look ya teammates in the eyes for a few days because'a the new taunts the opposing team were using against ya (mostly the Scouts' own words, to make it worse). At least the others involved were pretty okay with it, even if their own teams ribbed them about it for a week or so. The engineers worked together, with special dispensation from the Administrator, to make adaptations to the headsets. Only active on the field, during battle... but with a toggle for emergency activation if certain fleet-footed idiots maybe fell off a cliff during a pre-match jog outside'a base or something. The last part was a surprise. Authorisation to collaborate? Unheard of! But, not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, they did it anyway. And never again did the Scouts lose their headsets, or give away far too much information about themselves to either team. - In her underground hideout, the Administrator was smoking, trying to relax. Her expression still caught in some degree of disgust over the whole affair. "Miss Pauling..." she called, and the purple-clad young woman startled beside her chair. "Yes, you. Goodness knows there's no one else here..." She huffs, realising on some level she was being unfair. And tries again. "Miss Pauling,  I need you to double-check the Engineers' schematics and find a subtle way of getting the Scouts to test the limitations of their new headsets... one that does not require your... charms." She smirks. "I do not feel they will work anymore on those two." "U-uh, anything you say, Administrator." Miss P nods, acquiescing immediately. She turns to leave, and frowns. "Is there... any particular reason for thi-...?" "Hmph. You have grown insolent, child. Why, a month ago you would not have dared to pause when given a task... and now you backtalk?" Miss Pauling freezes, assuming this is the moment when her replacement will kick down the door and put a bullet between her eyes. Before, presumably, hacking up the remains to bury in the desert somewhere... as she had done to other employees and problematic persons... But instead, the tense air is filled with a  wry, hacking laughter. Cigarette smoke wafting around the dimly-lit room like a fog. "Oh, you are a delight sometimes, Miss Pauling. I will make a woman of you yet, but it is suffice to say, that I wish to be certain there is never a repeat of this incident. The fools may not realise that their headset channels are filtered through my base of operations, but I do not ever want to have another evening ruined by a repeat performance based upon the Scouts' proclivities towards certain classes. Do you understand?" She nods in response, knowing that even with her back to Miss P, the Administrator had seen it. The older woman waves a dismissive hand. "Then GO, and let us never speak about this again, unless we need to blackmail the pair." "Yes, Administrator." She breathes and leaves the room. For some reason, Miss Pauling can't fight the grin on her face as she heads towards the external entrance. Not only did the entire situation resolve, but the Administrator had allowed team fraternisation to continue. Which simultaneously got both Scouts off her back, and proved beyond a doubt that the Administrator wouldn't give a damn about Miss Pauling's girlfriend, as long as the purple-clad young woman continued to perform her role. It was turning out alright.

[calvinwatchesstuff]

Calvin Reacts to Overwatch: Gameplay trailers

Well, in the absence of any feedback, I guess I’ll be continuing in the stated order. Next up, we have the gameplay trailers; I feel like these are less important for me as a whole, since I don’t actually have a system capable of running the game, but it might be nice to familiarize myself with the combat. Alright, here we go! 

Gameplay Trailer #1

Oh wow, another almost six minute video. I seriously need to budget more time for these.

Alright, so we have an Egypt level. Neat.

I’m getting a bit of a TF2 vibe from this. (Some people reading this are probably going to flay me alive for saying that, but it’s just the impression I’m getting.)

Oh hey, there’s Winston! And he got new glasses!

There’s Tracer, Widowmaker, I think I saw Reaper, aaaand a bunch of people I don’t recognize.

WAIT WHAT

Ah, okay, so they’re showcasing the characters one at a time. It looks like Tracer has some kind of rewind ability; that’s actually really cool, and I can barely imagine what online gamers could do with it.

I’m just going to take this by character at this point, since otherwise this is going to be a mess.

Symmetra: Well, aside from the fact that my Duel Disk keeps autocorrecting her name, she appears to be able to create turrets and other machines. So she’s kind of like the Engineer of this game, I guess. I like her design, too.

Pharah: Another autocorrect name. She can apparently spam rockets as some kind of powerful attack, and she can jump really high.

Hanzo: The autocorrect is getting ridiculous. He has a bow and arrow and can climb things. Very cool.

Oh, okay, I guess that thing the robot was guarding was the objective.

Ah, so Hanzo also has some kind of zoom ability and OH HELLO THERE

Reaper: Two guns are better than one. He also has some kind of shadow ability which I guess impacts gameplay in some way, but I’m not sure how.

Winston: Yeah, I know about this guy. I like his slam attack.

Torbjörn: Well, that one’s just a pain in the ass to spell. Anyway, this guy looks like another engineer-type character, except this one’s clearly inspired by dwarves. I guess he’s got different types of machines, or else uses different materials maybe.

Ah, so I guess one team has to stand on the objectives for a certain amount of time in order to “capture” it. Makes sense to me.

Bastion: A robot that I happen to know was overpowered as fuck during the first week or so after release. Kind of interesting that they give players the option to basically turn into a stationary turret; it’s a mechanic I’ve not really seen anywhere else. (Also, him with that bird makes me think of Android 16. You guys know why.)

Oh hey, we’re on a new map! I guess we shifted earlier when we moved from Egypt to Japan, but I didn’t really notice at the time because I wasn’t expecting it.

Mercy: Well, from the design and name alone, I can deduce she’s a medic. Though she seems to have a gun too, which is nice; I don’t enjoy classes that are pure support, because it basically turns the game into an escort mission for the other players.

Widowmaker: Okay, now autocorrect just splits it in half. Anyway, she’s obviously the sniper, and she also has that grappling hook-type ability. Sounds fairly fun.

Zenyatta: STOP IT, AUTOCORRECT. Okay, I have no idea what this guy’s powers are. I like his design, that’s for sure, but I’m not at all certain what he’s doing at any point here. Though I think I saw him throw a grenade at one point, and I think he self-destructed at the end.

Reinhardt: He has a warhammer. That is awesome. Also, I almost thought I heard him say “Hammertime” at the end of the clip.

And now we just have a showcase of all the different maps and some general gameplay. I guess the rest of the characters are in the next trailer. As an aside, the environments look REALLY damn good.

OKAY AND THEN THERE WERE HOLOGRAPHIC DRAGONS 

Alright, that was pretty cool! Definitely not regretting the decision to react to this. Let’s keep this rolling with the second gameplay trailer! 

Gameplay Trailer #2 

And right off the bat we have some new maps. Looks like we’ve got a robot manufacturing plant in somewhere that looks like it might be Russia, with a GIGANTIC robot moving around in the background.

Okay, and we’re not fucking around this time; let’s jump straight into the characters!

Zarya: The autocorrect is back. Looks like her gun also doubles as a shield generator for her teammates.

Junkrat: Okay, THIS guy scares me. Although I will admit, his gameplay style looks VERY cool: he seems to be themed around explosions, which not only creates a lot of potential for traps but also seems to have been designed specifically to accommodate rocket jumping and other similar styles. (Also, this time autocorrect waited until like four words had passed to screw up the name. I have no answers.)

Oh, we’ve shifted again! I don’t know enough geography to guess where this place is, and I won’t humiliate myself by trying.

Soldier: 76: This guy has some kind of auto-lock system to home in on opponents. That seems…kind of OP, but I assume they have ways of balancing it out.

Roadhog: Okay, that autocorrect was my fault. But yeah, this guy is…big. He’s also got a machine gun; never a good combination. Though I have to admit, I find his walk animation pretty amusing; it’s like he’s skipping through the new map that we’re also apparently now in. (Looks like the Old West; sure.)

McCree: And now we just have a fucking cowboy out of nowhere. I can’t wait to hear the explanation on this one. But yeah, his gameplay looks pretty cool.

Oh, okay, this is like a soundstage or something. Makes sense now. Sort of.

Lucia: He has what can only be described as a Bass Cannon. (Thank you to Hobbes for that term.) Seems pretty cool and destructive.

D.va: Okay, aside from the grammatical nightmare that is her name, I like the mechanic here; I guess the idea is that you can play her either with or without the mech, and each has different abilities. Also, I like how she’s apparently a gamer.

Met: Two words: “FREEZE RAY!!!” (Yes, that is a reference to exactly what you thought it was.)

Oh wow, ice wall; very impressive.

Genji: I had to replay the scene twice to catch what happened here, but I think he just deflected that arrow into another guy. That is as cool as it is incredibly improbable.

“We shall see…brother.” OH SNAP

I have to say, I like this music.

And of course we end with a shot of Tracer.

And I believe that’s the complete cast! (Well, aside from the fact that I know at least one more character was announced later.)

Man, I made the right decision. This was definitely an easily accessible way to get introduced to all the characters. As for the game itself, all I can say is holy shit the gameplay looks hectic. Well, I’ll be back tomorrow for the cinematic trailer; in the meantime, keep an eye open for tonight’s Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V reaction and that special surprise I keep promising...